EP 47: Dating Mistakes Women Make with Jaya

Today we dive in deep and point the fingers at no one but ourselves. We discuss the mistakes women commonly make in dating and how to actually fix them. We hold nothing back and call each other out on habits we both need to fix. Get cozy and take notes.

Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:00

Today's topic is not something I necessarily want to talk about, but I think it's something we should talk about. It needs to be said. Mistakes women make in dating. Mistakes we make frequently. More specifically in dating. I think one of the biggest mistakes everybody makes, this is like across the board it has to be. Yeah. Ignoring red flags because of chemistry or physical attraction. Yeah. Getting emotionally invested too fast because you see the future. You go on one date and now you have three kids, house. This man has been known to be a serial cheater. His best friend told me, Jaya, don't do it. Don't do it. I'm like tolerating the things I shouldn't be tolerating. I'm like not speaking up for the things that are bothering me because I'm a people pleaser and I don't want to like scare them away. That's the whole thing. You have to be careful because being easygoing shouldn't mean being like easy to disrespect and easy to walk on and easy to like manipulate. That's the cycle of our generation of marriages today, of marriages out of the church. You keep giving chance after chance after chance to the literal bare minimum. And then when the bare minimum happens to you, like getting a bouquet of flowers, yeah. You're like, oh my gosh, when that should just like be a regular thing. Hey y'all, welcome back to another episode of Cozy Up with Reagan and Friends. I'm Reagan. And I'm Jaya. It's been a minute. It has. When last week when Maddie and I recorded, I said the exact same thing, but it's just like been a minute. We like pre-recorded and then we had things going on. And then we had your story. Yeah. Um, feels good. Yeah, it feels good. Yeah, the studio. We stay at the studio every day, and then we're like, dang, we just want to record. I love, I love recording, like yeah, recording days. Yeah, and we've been having like such good combos. I'm like, we need to just like plug in the mics. I know. It's I wish it was that easy. I know. I hear it.

SPEAKER_01 2:09

It's a much more of a production plugging in a mic.

SPEAKER_02 2:13

For sure. Um, last weekend was Coachella, weekend one. Yeah. Let's just briefly touch on that. I thought it was fabulous. Spectacular. Um, some of your faves. Gosh. I mean, okay, we'll just jump right into it. Somber. People are saying Somber had the best set of the weekend. And he absolutely did. And he did. Our little Booshko. Oh my gosh. I like literally love him to pieces. He was so good. And he, I think what I love about him is that he is like so organically himself. Like he is just like, he doesn't act like a famous musician. Like he is just an absolute goofball who loves his Capy Baras. He loves his Capybara. And he is just so funny. I like I love him. Like if you guys need just a laugh, a pick-me-up of sorts, like look up Somber on TikTok or Somber Funny Moments or Somber Capybara. Literally anything, and it will brighten your day. No, I like love him to pieces. No, I love him so much. And okay, another standout was Subtronics. Okay, yeah. Oddly enough. Have I ever gone to a Subtronics rave? No. Have I ever watched Subtronics in Length? No. Have I listened to Subtronics in Length? No. No. But did Subtronics have like great electrifying stuff? Electric. Like we and we just like stumbled across it. We were like eating dinner or something, and I was like, oh, Subtronics is on in five minutes. Like, let's go watch the live stream. And we literally sat there for a whole hour and 10 minutes and watched the entirety of the like the whole thing. It was great. It was so good. Jaw on the floor like the whole time. No, it was it was absolutely amazing. And very like out of nowhere. Yeah. You know, those are the best. Um, Serena Carpenter was great. Um, I love her. She's just like a good girly pop. Um, I think her ending though, like with like the water and the cars, and like that was that was epic. No, she her. Whether you like her hair, her like production was insane. Absolutely insane. She brought out Will Farrell, which is super funny. Speaking of Will Farrell and bringing out people, like people have been bringing out pulling all the stops. Yes, pulling all the stops, like Young Thug bringing out um Camille Cabello. So random. So random, so good. Um, yeah, who else brought out some people? JB brought out Kid LaRoy, which was really good. Who brought out there's there's like so many. I mean, whoever Samber brought out was random, but I don't remember who that was. From the Smashing Pumpkins, the guitarist or the bassist, one of the two. Who someone else brought out someone like so odd and random, and we're like, what the heck? But I can't think of who it was. Oh, uh Serdronics brought out Oliver Tree. Well, that was one, yeah. That's another one. If you need a little pick-me-up, go look up on Instagram, Oliver Tree. His content is hilarious. 10 out of 10. No, it's so good. Um, and then of course, let's let's like jump really quickly down to JB. Bibercella. Biebercella. We still have our setup. We do.

SPEAKER_04 5:05

Going down, down, down, down. And I just can't believe my first love will be running down my favorite, favorite, favorite.

SPEAKER_05 5:15

Oh, like baby, favorite, favorite. Oh, like, baby, baby, favorite. Oh, you always be mine. I will never stay never. I will fight you forever. With if we knock me down, I will not stay.

SPEAKER_02 5:56

It was like a roller coaster of emotions. I would say I I did genuinely hate the first hour. Because it was all swag one and swag two, which I did not know. And I was like, I'm I'm all for artists playing their new music, obviously. But you gotta mix it in.

SPEAKER_03 6:11

You do, you know.

SPEAKER_02 6:12

But you had in sorry, in the kind, I like how he did it. Yeah. It's just like at the beginning, like you have to keep people engaged.

SPEAKER_01 6:19

You do, and he was losing, he was losing the people.

SPEAKER_02 6:21

He was losing it, but like everybody went to CoTella for Justin Bieber. Like, let's keep it a buck. Like, they see that Bieber's coming out of retirement for a concert, like, everybody's going and give the people what they want. We all want to hear baby, we all want to hear and it was getting spooky, it looked it was starting to look like we weren't getting those things. But I found out why he had to play all the music on YouTube was because his label owned it and he wasn't allowed to perform it. That's like not true, but I did see that. Oh, it's not it's kind of true. He can play whatever he wants, he just doesn't make money off of it like he does for the other stuff. Oh, I thought he just didn't own the rights to it. He doesn't, he can do whatever he wants with it though. Oh, okay. Because he still at the end of the day played the copyrighted music. No, he did. But yeah, not to debunk you on live TV. But do it. He doesn't own the rights to that music anymore, which is also why he didn't give a lot of time to that music. That I did see. He's like that's why he's playing swag one and two, because that's his. That's it, yeah. At the end of the day, it's JB. JB came out of retirement. It was great. So good. Happy if he's happy. That's all that matters. Yeah, he looked like he was enjoying himself. Yeah. So everybody um who said he was being lazy, I think you're just a hater. So I mean, he's just like, but he's not like a performing. Is there a lip gloss in here? Oh what? Yeah. Where's our emergency lip gloss? Speaking of JB and Hailey Bieber, she's saying uh literally, and that is a perfect advertisement. Where's my emergency lip gloss? On the back of your phone. On the back of your phone. Thank you. Shout out to Road by Hailey Bieber. Thank you. So today's topic is not something I necessarily want to talk about, but I think it's something we should talk about. It needs to be said. Um, today's topic in question is mistakes women make in dating. Mistakes we make frequently in dating. Um, I think this is gonna, I'm very excited for today's episode. I think it is so real, so relatable. Very, so just like these are original experiences. These are these are like everybody, but sometimes you just need to hear it for the 900th time to finally be like, okay. Things should change. No, absolutely. Um, because at the end of the day, like we are dating. Everyone knows, like, I Jay and I just had this conversation, and tell me if I'm wrong. I was like, we started this podcast as being like anything, like girls in their 20s, but I'm like, I fear that the podcast is a dating podcast. It is, it is completely like that is what this content people want to hear. It's a content we're well equipped to speak about because that's all we seem to be doing is dating, and like that's okay. Yeah, but I was like, you know, at this point, let's just embrace it, let's lean into it, let's just give the people. Let's uh divulge and dive in. Yeah, okay. Because whether you're a girly pop or a dude, it's like some people won't find it interesting, our struggles and our triumphs.

SPEAKER_03 9:13

It's just relatable.

SPEAKER_02 9:14

Like, we all know that today's world dating is like truly impossible, and I am like so envious of the ones who find it so easy because when I tell you we are in the trenches when it comes to the dating world, like these are the absolute trenches. So we are the trenches, we yeah, just wear it on our sleeve and we'll talk about it. We'll be the voice of the girls who don't want to talk about it because we're just gonna keep it a buck. Yes. And I think it's important today's episode, I think is important, particularly because we all talk, we always talk about like men are bad, men are gross, men are the scum of the earth, whatever. Like, but truthfully, like we're also bad. Are we any better? No, really moral of the story, no, no, we're not any better. No, and I think like I do take some accountability because when a relationship doesn't work out, like you know, talking stage ended, got ghosted, uh, something just like isn't like vibing. I do ask myself, like, what am I doing? Yeah. Or like when a man like suddenly is like, you're great, but you know, the typical, I always do want to know, like, what was it? Yeah, what did I do? It was something I did specifically to them. It might not be anything that I should feel guilty about or like something I should be bummed out about, but I still want to know what did I do. No, yeah. And I feel like men too. It's like it's gotta be something. It's not that it's just like they're gonna be like, nah, I'm okay. I'll just go. It's like men seem that they are so easy that it's like they're not really gonna notice these things and like take into account like certain things that like the qualities you have. I feel like usually they'll just like brush them off, but like I'm like, no, like tell me what it is. I would think love things be brutally honest. You do and you don't, you do and you don't, but no, and it's like yeah, but I wish I could just hand like slide you a survey after like you're like done. I'm gonna email you. Yeah, fill this out for me and like let me know. Because it's like time's a ticket, man. Time's a ticket, and one's gotta go. Like one's gotta, it's gotta happen. Yeah, I always like one of these has gotta stick. That is that's like my saying. Someone's gonna stick. And I feel like we have done so much self-reflecting that it's like, what is it? I need them to tell me, like, what is it? Because I have changed so much about myself without losing like who I really am, but I have changed a lot of people. Self-improvement is an amazing thing. Being able to look within yourself and change some of the not-so pretty things, I think, isn't a beautiful ability to have. Absolutely. But it's like, okay, yeah, I've done all this and it's still not working. Maybe in today's episode, we'll learn something or about sort of you know, yeah. Um, so yeah, let's just jump right into it. I think one of the biggest mistakes everybody makes, this is like across the board it has to be, yeah, is ignoring red flags because of chemistry or physical attraction. Yeah. I mean, like rose-colored glasses are so real. So real. So real. Especially when you want it so bad. So bad. And it's like the red flags we're talking about are like bad texting, inconsistent texting, love bombing, which is like such an icky situation. Um, and then like someone who's like not able to have like real conversations and you just like very surface level, and you're like, oh, maybe they're just not comfortable, they gotta warm up, or oh, this, or you just make excuse after excuse after excuse. Like if you have to explain their behavior to everyone, or you have to like make excuses on their behalf constantly, like there's a problem. There is a problem. Like if you're constantly having to speak for them to others, like there, yeah. You shouldn't have to do that. You shouldn't have to explain their behavior. No, you shouldn't. Their behavior should just be so good that everyone's like in awe of and that's like also such like a frustrating thing, too, is that like so like explaining the behavior to other people, that also ties into like I need my man to like get along well with my friends and like the people I surround myself with. And then it's like you do introduce them, and then it's like the vibes aren't there, and then you feel like you have to be like, no, they're really like this and they're really like that, and then instead of like, no, that's how they're always gonna act around the people you're with, you know what I'm saying? It's kind of like standoffish, quiet, like not really like first impressions are everything and everything and women men also know that, not just women. Like when I meet a guy I'm talking to who's like people, I'm like, I want to put my best foot forward, I want to talk to them and do this, this, and this. But like I feel like men, at least the last one, did I don't know, like just like very standoffish, and I'm just sitting here making excuses, like, no, like they're really not like that when it's just me and them. Like, we don't you and you guys don't see the um behind closed doors. Which like when you say that out loud, like it sounds very valid, but it does also still suck because it's like if okay, you say they can be like that behind closed doors. Well, like half of your life is only only half your life is behind closed doors. The other half is out with your friends, is out with your family, is out with coworkers, you know, and it's like you don't want them to just like sit there on their phone or twiddle their thumbs when they're out in public. And I know maybe that'll get better with time, and that's what you think. Yeah, you think it'll get better with time, the warm up with time, but like how are they gonna warm up if they're not like making any because then it's only yeah, anyway, no, and it's yeah, but then you have to just like you can't deal with like you can't settle for the fantasy of the person. No, that ties into like the next part where is like getting emotionally invested too fast because you see the future. Yeah, you go on. You go on one date, and now you have three kids, house, and birth, and getting married, engaged, like the whole night. And you're also like not only are you creating the story, but like you're giving relationship effort and treatment to someone who truly hasn't earned it yet. No, exactly. And I feel like that has been my flaw. You jump in quick, which is crazy, you jump in quick, I do, but it's so exciting, it's so exciting, and like I am such like an empathetic lover girl that like I if there's a flaw in them, I like feel for them. That's like so horrible to be in. Fixer upper. I think that I can fist absolutely not. Example, there is a man that I was talking to that I had met through mutual friends. Okay this man has been known to be a serial cheater, been known to be a horrible person, and his best friend told me, Jay, don't do it, don't do it. Like, you can't fix him. Bestie boo is saying, like, get away. Yeah, and I'm like, no, I can do it. I'm the I'm the cream of the crop. I'm gonna fix him up, I'm gonna do this, do that, and he's gonna be fine. He hasn't stirred me wrong yet. And I'm like, guys, it's been four weeks. It's been four weeks, and like I'm not seeing the vision. And this was like a while ago, but like even now, I'm just like, dog, what were you doing? You know, but you live and you learn. But you can't like get stuck on the fantasy, you can't be the fixer-upper because at the end of the day, everybody is responsible for their own happiness, their own mental, their own emotional, physical, spiritual well-being that like a person's not gonna fix that. No. And you can't like live in this fantasy land of like, well, they'll get there one day, you know. Yeah, one day, maybe, maybe not, though. And it's like the clock's a ticking. Yeah. Like it it is really, really, really crappy. Yeah. Because maybe one day. Maybe, but I don't think we can stay to be there to see the maybe. Because what if it's not? No, because you can't. And we're 55 years old and we're at such an odd age. But we're like 50 years old and we're just like in the pits. And you know what sucks more than restarting at 25 and 27 is restarting at 50. Yeah. You just need to learn to be attached to the reality, not the fantasy. Yes. I would say the next mistake that I potentially struggle with. I'm not even gonna say potentially, we're just being completely blunt honest, is like definitely I've started becoming this person where I'm starting to confuse, like, I'm chill, I'm low maintenance, I'm like, it's whatever. We're going with the flow, with like just like simply like not having any standards. Because I think I've tried so many different avenues and so many different things, and now I'm trying to play the game that I feel like men play with us, which is like the same thing where they're like, chill, it's whatever. Like it's like what's and I think I'm trying to do that. I'm trying to be chill, trying to like, I don't know. Um, but then it really at the end of the day, it's like I'm just not putting my foot down standing on business. No, I'm like tolerating things I shouldn't be tolerating. I'm like not speaking up for the things that are bothering me because I'm a people pleaser and I don't want to like scare him away. That's the whole thing. And that's what sucks is like I feel like I have always given you such big props for being able to be like stand on business, say what you need to say. This is how I feel. If you don't like it, goodbye. And I think I can do it, and I try, and I am getting tiny bits harder every single time I need to do it, but I am like just such a people pleaser, and I have such the mentality of I would rather a piece of them than none of them, and it like sucks. And that's a big mistake. And yeah, I would just say, like, you just have to be aware, and that's a hard thing to be aware of in a moment.

SPEAKER_03 18:54

It is because you don't want somebody who is like, you need this, this, this, and this, and we're doing this, this, and this, and you better act like this, or I'm not gonna be this, and I'm gonna blah, blah, blah. We want a leader, we want a manly man, okay?

SPEAKER_02 19:07

The chill and nonchalant, like, I don't want a nonchalant man. You you don't, and but you also like a chill man is like a chill man that stands on business, absolutely.

SPEAKER_03 19:19

Somebody's like, I have a really strong personality. I would love my man to be like a little tamer, a little softer, like you know, but like still mainly stand on business. But it's also like the chill and nonchalant, they're not gonna make me grow as a person. They're just gonna be fine with whatever.

SPEAKER_02 19:36

And they're not gonna push you to the best of your potential, you know? And sometimes we think that we do want the chill guy because it seems easier. I don't want it to be completely easy. I want a challenge because I want you to, I want us to be able to push each other to the best of our abilities. And I feel like a chill nonchalant man is not gonna do that. No, because they're exactly that. They like don't really care. And you're more of just like a companion.

SPEAKER_03 20:04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 20:04

And it's like, yeah, you love with the go with the flow, and it's like, yeah, maybe we'll do something. Yeah, I don't want like an overly emotional man. No, I don't know. I know we've talked about that briefly, but that comes with a whole different can of worms. Because I don't want to feel like the man. No, I that's that's where you have to find the balance, is I don't want to be the strong part of the relationship. Yeah. I can be strong when I need to be strong. You're allowed to have your moments, you know. 100% everyone's allowed to have their moments. But I don't want to feel like I have to constantly reassure and help you through life. No, exactly. Like, I need you to like, we need to have the foundation. I need you to guide me through the rest, you know. I'll be there and like help you become the best you can be. But like you need to be mentally strong enough to like get us to where we need to be as like a couple and as a family. Yeah. At the end of the day, like with the whole nonchalant being chill, trying to be like low maintenance, is like you have to be careful because being easygoing shouldn't mean being like easy to disrespect and easy to walk on and easy to like manipulate because it gets twisted very, very quickly. It does. And then if you like stay in that too long, then that's just like them taking advantage of it. Yeah. And there's there is like you have to have mutual respect for one another. You that's like just uh yeah. And so, like with that, like the next point we're gonna make is that like how long is staying too long? Like exactly like how much do you deal with? Like, when is it the when you realize like it's time to step away? Because you have that's balance is so impossible to find, I feel like, but that's another thing where it's like you have to find the balance of being like gracious and understanding in certain situations. Like, we're not we've talked about this before, like, we're not exactly where we want to be, we're not perfect, nobody is, we're not exactly happy with where we are, we don't feel like we've reached our full potential, so it's only understanding and fair to. Someone else that same grace, but like to what extent? Yeah, you know. And I think too that like do we reach a point where it's like we make an excuse as saying, like, oh, we've invested all this time as like a reason to stay? Like, you know, well, like I was in a horrible toxic relationship for like two years, and I'm like, but that's just like two years wasted.

SPEAKER_03 22:23

And it's like, I have all this history.

SPEAKER_02 22:25

A lot of people's problems.

SPEAKER_03 22:27

Yeah. And like they just let history repeat itself, which it's known to do.

SPEAKER_02 22:32

Once that person does that to you, more than likely, like 90% that's gonna happen again. Yeah. And again, and again, because you're enabling it at that point. And there like comes a point in time where you have to take accountability for like, yes, if you were in the wrong, or if you were not in the wrong and it was happening to you, you do have to take accountability, you know?

SPEAKER_03 22:52

And as women, I feel like men think of us as like we're so easy to just like like sway it over that, like, oh, I can do it, and she'll just let me.

SPEAKER_02 23:03

Because once you let it happen once, it's gonna happen again and again and again. And but then it's like you put your foot down and all of a sudden I'm masculine and you're not feminine, and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I'm like, where's the happy medium of like I don't tolerate this, or I like am a forgiving person? You know what I'm saying? Like, I've been told that so many times, and like by a man, is that like they do something and then I have to come at them aggressively, like, why'd you do this? Like, you're crazy. Like, why would you ever put me in that situation to begin with? And they're like, you need to chill out, like you're acting like a grown-ass man right now. And I'm like, don't make me act like that. I'm like, don't like you want a submissive and sweet and dainty woman. Make me feel as such. Yes, I like we've said this a lot, and they'll say it again. Like, I want to be submissive to my husband. I want him to be the leader, I want him to guide my family, I want to follow in his footsteps, truly, a hundred percent. But they have to be worth and worthy of that title or of that action. I still need to be respected. Yes, like we are a unit without me as the woman, as the caretaker, as the lover, as the homemaker, you can't have the man who's gonna be like the leader, the income maker, or whatever, you know, however your dynamic is. It's like you have to have both parties and you have to have mutual respect because both of the jobs, both of the roles are so-equally is hard as well. But then that's when it's like you both have to be able to stand on business because it's like if you think about a 50-year relationship, there's gonna be a lot of times when it's you needing to chirp in and him needing to chirp in. But you have to be able to do it properly, and they have to respect when you speak up and you have to respect when they speak up. One thing that I notice as like I'm getting older is that I see all these like really toxic and very unhealthy relationships, but it's like, oh, well, we've been together for this long, and like it's just easy. I just and I'm like, yeah, and I'm like, so if it's already this bad for like out of like three years, imagine in like 40 years, and then you're at 43 years, then you're at 50 years, and then you're like, you are in well, your body's in like a your nervous system is like shot, you're like on fight or flight all the time, you're like not healthy, no, and it's just like why would you ever want that for yourself? I yeah. Well, I think what happens more often than not is they don't make it to 50 years, they make it their three years, their four years, their five years, and somehow they're engaged, then they get married. And if right after marriage doesn't break them, then they unfortunately probably have a child and then get divorced, and then that child suffers, and then it sucks, and that's just that's the cycle of our generation of marriages today, of marriages out of the church. I think that that is the vicious cycle of just yeah, I'm gonna leave it at that. Yeah, that's just like a good enough point. No, it is. It just comes down to respect yourself, respect your partner, have grace, but like stand on business. Stand ten toes down. Like, if I'm gonna raise my hand about anything I don't do, I don't stand on business ever. I literally always have to tell her, I'm like, stand on it. Like, do this, say this, stand on it. Because then it's like we're talking about these things, and that's why this this episode needed to happen. Because when we're like saying it out loud and putting it out there, then it's like they're gonna or 30 followers are gonna hold us accountable when they see some go left when it's supposed to go right. Ten toes down, stand on it. Stand on it, stand on it. How do you actually be better? We've talked about the mistakes, and now it's like, all right, here's here's the part of the episode where it's like, this is where to take notes. This is how all of us gals and guys and girls and everyone, uh-huh, we're gonna be better. It's 2026, we're four months in. The next eight months, we're gonna be better. We're gonna do better, dating's gonna be different, and we're gonna make the shift. No, we are gonna make the shift. Um, I thought I made the shift, and now I'm like back to square one. Um, and that was only two episodes ago. What a devastating blow that is. Yeah, um, it's out there for the world to see. Yeah. Um, but that's okay. I'm like holding myself accountable by the virtual diary. Yes, you know, so you guys can hold me accountable. This is how we do actually do better. Okay. You know, we talk about it, we say a lot of things, we gotta put our words to action. And the first thing to do that is slow down your attachment. And I think this is really hard, especially Dave mentioned earlier. Like, she likes to like go full force in your life. Slow down the worst. And slow down your attachment does not mean slow down your interest. Um, you can still like him, but you don't need to like decide anything right away. I think that's like once again, like two or three dates in. You don't need to be like, is this my husband? Is he gonna be the father of my children? Are we a match made in heaven? Or you know, like, yeah, you don't need to figure that out after three dates. Um, you don't need to fantasize, fantasize about the future too fast. I'm like trying so hard not to do that these days. But it is like so hard when it feels so good. And it's like, this is like my first, I say my full name with their last name.

SPEAKER_03 28:07

I'm like, does this flow?

SPEAKER_02 28:08

In my little notebook, um it's also like not only fantasizing and getting super attached, but that comes down to like communication, weirdly enough. It's like the texting, constant communication. I like am such a big fan now of I don't want, I think I just talked about this in every I don't want like text back and forth all day. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom boom, boom. Because then when you do see each other, you have nothing to talk about. Talk about and like I don't know. I'm just like busy, it makes me anxious. Like, I don't want to always have a text to respond to, truly. Yeah. Um, and I used to, I'm like starting to get that way as well, too. It's just a lot. There is like nothing better than like consistent texts, but just like once a day, especially in the early stages, once every other day. Like I can't do that. I need at least a breakfast and a dinner. Sure. Like a good morning, good night. Like I don't need like all throughout the work day. Like, I don't need that. But like it's fun and it's if it's or it can happen organically, but then but that just does give you a false sense of attachment, and it gets that that I think is what skyrockets attachment is when they are like, Like, why don't you have a life? Why don't you have a life? Yeah, why are you texting me all day? Truly, truly you had some like impeccable textures.

SPEAKER_03 29:21

Have you I'm thinking of no, I'm talking about um oh and he was like paragraph, paragraph, paragraph, and like you're like letting bring bringing it up.

SPEAKER_02 29:33

Like when I tell you guys, I was looking at this girl's phone, and it was truly. I swear one of the text messages you had it like went all the way to the bottom, there was like an arrow, and then it like shows you the whole screen. Yeah, and there's like five other paragraphs, and this dog is calling her, texting, not calling her, texting her all the time. I'm like, I don't want that. That's a lot because then it's like, what am I doing? Like, I don't even know where to reply because you talked about 60 different things. Yeah, like just like this is such an in-person conversation.

SPEAKER_03 30:05

It does not need to be done over time.

SPEAKER_02 30:06

Um, and then the last thing I think that's so important to remember when it comes to slowing down your attachment and just like letting things be and to progress organically is like keep your routine, keep your life you have with your friends, with your family, go into church, go into your workout classes, like just incorporate them and allow them to enter in and be incorporated in your lifestyle. But like the last thing you should be doing, especially in early dating stages, is like stopping this life and just like only focusing on because then of course you're gonna get attached because you have nothing else going on over here because you cut everything off. Yeah. And I think that like correlates with like setting standards like early. And I think that you know, if he flakes, I'm not gonna like make a deal about it and like reschedule because he flakes, or I'm not gonna like or like be like super eager. Because like I'm not gonna go against my routine.

SPEAKER_03 31:01

Like you, I put you pinned you in the schedule, and that's your slot. And because you be like last minute, oh name, like I'm not gonna like rotate you in to like disrupt what I got going on. Like you can't, I will fit you in where you need to be, and you get one chance, but you get two chances.

SPEAKER_02 31:21

First time, sure. Second time, you're cut. I mean, there's reasons for everything, you're cut, but yes, I agree. I also think with that, I think it's important like set your standards, but you don't always need to like announce them or shout them to the world. Like just stand on business. No, just stand on business, and that's what he flakes. Just take your time rescheduling. Yeah, you know, if he doesn't want to text you much, then don't text him much. Like, yeah, give the energy he's giving. Match it. Um, and then if he's like avoiding, like once again, like the tough conversations or committing after months, you know, like that's that's a sticky situation that I feel like we're all getting stuck in. Is like, say we do make it to like three, four months with these people, and things still aren't like what are you waiting for? Yeah, I refuse to have another situation ship. Yeah, I left that back in college. Like, I'm not doing that, but it's like just stand on business. You don't need to have a conversation with him again and again and again and again. Because if you are, then like that's like you gotta go, darling. Um because you're just enabling it, you're enabling all these things. You have to set the standards in because I ref we are so grown and we are looking for husbands that I refuse to enable anything that I do not consider healthy for me and I think is disrespectful. One thing we always talk about on this podcast is that our time is our most valuable thing. And if I am making time for you, that means a lot. And if you do anything to jeopardize that time, cut, cut, like you're cut, unless there's like a truly, truly valid, valid reason. Like, there's always situations and instances with everybody. Like if it's like happens. I took a nap, and like I'm not like my stomach hurts, and like no. And I think that is another another point to make on that is like believe what they're showing you earlier than later. Like, believe the things, like the patterns and the characteristics and the the not so pretty things that they're showing you. Like, yep, that is who they are, especially we've talked about this before, especially when you're talking to 25 to 35-year-old men. Like these are grown, developed men. Yeah. If they are oversleeping and snapping through your scheduled date at 30, what? Get a grip. Get a freaking grip. Get a grip, dude. You're a grown ass man. Get a grip, grown ass man with no no kids, no nothing, and you're while you were up late with the baby all night? Like, no, like you're not. Like, it's like actually crazy. And when that happens, I know we've both been guilty of letting it slow. Guilty. Guilty. But it's like, believe what they're showing you early on. Like inconsistent texts be at the beginning, he will be inconsistent. That he is just an inconsistent person, and inconsistent communication is just inconsistency overall. Yeah. Like him canceling plans or him oversleeping or him whatever, suddenly ghosting you, forgetting. It just shows that like you are a low priority. Yeah. You he doesn't care. Like, when I care about someone, you best believe like I am moving mountains. Yes.

SPEAKER_03 34:26

And like men are such simple creatures that they will genuinely do whatever, especially in the beginning. They will do whatever for the person they like. If they truly like you, they will go above and beyond, do things that they have never done for another woman.

SPEAKER_02 34:40

They're easy to read. They're very easy. But then they just, yeah, it's making me hot right now. It's just like it's it's easier said than done, though. Like it all comes down to we see the potential. It's like we say walk away early. We say stand on business. We say give them two chances. But then it's like we're like, well, what if, what if in four years they finally get it out? Yeah. No, they finally treat me how I should be treated. Like, no, absolutely not. I've dated people who have treated me right from day one. Yeah. You know? And it's like, was that I don't even have to question or think about anything. No. And then I've dated people where it's like on day 200, I'm still like, do you do anything? I'm attractive. Do you like me? Are we friends? Are we like whatever? It's like, no, that's just like, no, no, it's exhausting. And I think that comes to like the final point is that you need to know when to walk away.

SPEAKER_03 35:35

Yeah. You need to know when enough is enough and you just know what the ending entails, but there's a little glimpse of hope that's like, well, maybe it turns out a different way.

SPEAKER_02 35:46

Yes. And I think that like I struggle with this immensely and like fixer upper attitude. Yeah. And like people pleaser, fixer upper. And like the the thing that you said earlier about I would rather have a piece of them than none of them. Than none of them. And that is like because it's like so degrading to us too when we say that. Because I'm like, why? I'm like, why? They don't want a piece of me. If I can't have a hole enchilada, then I don't want it. I know. All easier said than done. We're gonna co episodes. We're gonna make a mistake literally, probably within a couple days. Probably hours. Run back the episode. No, it is, but it's just like we just want you guys like trust and believe, like, just because we're saying all these things, they're like, we are not perfect. We do all of these things, but like we want to let you guys know that like you're not the only ones feeling this way. And that no, and I think also you're not the only ones feeling this way, but it's not also just not always on the men why dating's not working. Exactly. We're the ones who keep going back to these people. It's like respectfully, like sometimes the reason your dating life is not improving, maybe the fact that we are still single, maybe the fact that like nothing's clicking, isn't because men are every man is bad, bad, bad. It's maybe just because like our standards are bad. Like our our our ability to stand on business is bad. Or the whole fact of the matter is that like, at least for me, I have a pattern that every guy I talk to has a similarity, and they all could be different similarities, but they're all similar. And it's like, why do I choose to not break that pattern? Exactly. And it's like you keep saying, Why does this keep happening to me? You're still answering the texts that are late at night. You keep giving chance after chance after chance to the literal bare minimum, so bare bones minimum, it's like and then when the bare minimum happens to you, like getting a bouquet of flowers, yeah, you're like, oh my gosh, when that should just like be a regular thing. Yeah, when that like, yeah, it should be, and it's not, unfortunately. And then it's like you're just getting attached before the man has showed you any sign or any sort of worth to be attached to. Like, yeah, he said hello, he paid for a $30 dinner, and you're whipped.

SPEAKER_03 38:07

My wife can do that for me. I can do that for myself, I can do that for you.

SPEAKER_02 38:12

And it's like your dating life changes, and maybe this is what we need to like focus on is like your dating life changes when you stop like giving everything and giving access and giving access to your heart to the people who like just like don't deserve it. Like people who like right off rip. It's like, why are we doing things right off ripped? Yeah, why? Like, I know you're supposed to step foot one your best foot forward and like whatever the f you're saying. Whatever the I know what you're saying, and it's like, but we don't need to give it all. No, like our best foot doesn't mean give it all. Right. They don't need the whole enchilada. No, but then why are we asking for the whole enchilada? What was your what did you say about the whole enchilada? Like, I don't know. We're like, we're right now we're just talking about like we don't always need to put our whole enchilada out into the relationship. We don't. We don't need to give them girlfriend and wife uh treatment. But why are we looking for husband and boyfriend material? Because there is a little bit of a give and take. Like if we expect them to act in a certain manner, then we also do too. We do when they do. When they do. If you are you and I are doing it without them. Yes, that's very correct. If they are off rip opening my door, paying for my meals, calling me beautiful, complimenting my talents, like buying me flowers, taking care of me when I don't feel well. Yeah. Like, yeah, they that is when you give them the girlfriend and the wife the enchilada. Yeah, you give them the enchilada. Yeah. But when they're not giving you what you need, and we are giving them what they don't deserve. Yeah. That just sets such like an uneven precedent or an uneven playing field for like the rest of the relationship. It shows that they don't need to do anything. So yeah, yeah, loving it. Like that is the point, is like when we give them all of our tricks and hacks and love and attention and whatever, yeah. Right off rip, and they don't give us anything, then they're like, perfect, I don't have to do anything, and I I get the best of the best. And that's that's the issue. That large and that goes to so many things. That goes, this is like such a rabbit hole, but and we're gonna end it here. But like that even goes down to like sex before marriage or sleeping with people before we should is like taken advantage of if you don't if they don't gotta do anything for it, if they don't have to commit to you, if they don't have to like even treat you nicely for you to, you know, open yourself up that way, then like why they why would they? No, it's make their life a lot easier. They don't gotta do nothing. No, they don't have to put any energy into it. And that I think that just like going down to the bare bones of just like relationships think it's the same thing. I think all of those points are so valid. And it's like, I hope you guys watch this whole episode and I hope you do think about the things because we struggle with every single one, and we don't do any of the things we should be doing. Like we we are growing and improving, and I think with every situation and every man and every unfortunate, unsuccessful relationship. I mean, I am growing, I am getting better, I am learning things, but then we fall back in old patterns. Yeah, and then we learn, then we fall back into old patterns, and everyone's guilty of it. And it's charged. Yeah. So give yourself grace, but also like it's okay, it's there's times to be hard on yourself. You know, you don't always want to be hard on yourself. I think I'm good at that. I'd be like, all right, now is the time. Yeah, it's okay to talk down on yourself when you're making stupid choices. No, it is. When you're making stupid choices, so you can't like thumb yourself out because another one bites the dust. No, but it is like a time for self-reflection. And like I said, sometimes maybe like the reason my relationships aren't working is not always because of them. No, it's because we're letting stuff slide. Yep. And we're not standing ten toes down. Oh, we're not all. I'm like at about four toes. That's it. You don't even got a whole foot. I would okay, I would say six and a half toes. Oh, yeah. I would do like a little bit, like the left foot and the right big toe. Big toe. Pinky toes don't even count. Don't. Yours don't. Mine don't. That's what I'm saying. But yeah, we're gonna wrap it up there. I hope y'all enjoyed this episode. Yes. I thought it was great. Yes. Thanks for tuning in. We miss you guys. Love you guys. Love you guys. We miss you. And yeah, we'll see you in a week or so. Peace out, Girl Scout. Peace.