Rage, Predatory Men, and How Beauty Standards Condition Women to Surrender Their Power

By the time Lauren Bernick was six years old, two different women had already told her she was "fat as a house." They weren't seeing her; they were projecting their own inherited fear and shame, expecting her to swallow it and pass it on. That's how the cycle works.

In this mini episode, Lauren traces that conditioning to its roots: beauty standards largely set by men with a vested interest in keeping women chasing an impossible ideal: the body of a teenage girl. The media and beauty industry flood us with images of youth while aging women are rendered invisible. Men get to grow old in public. Women are told to fight it, fix it, hide it.

Lauren's message is a rallying cry. Stop getting distracted by the noise telling you to look younger. Take your rage and use it! Protect the young women coming up behind you from predatory men and impossible standards, to demand that images of real, aging women are seen and celebrated, and to show up for each other the way bonobo monkeys do: fiercely, collectively, without leaving anyone behind.

We are perfectly imperfect. It's time to act like it.

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Transcript

Lauren Bernick (00:01.346)
Hi friends. In this week's mini episode, I want to talk about something kind of serious. It's a little departure. With all that's been going on in the news lately about rich, powerful men abusing young women, I've been thinking a lot about how we're conditioned. And I can see that other women are thinking about it too. I feel like something's bubbling up. And I want to tell you how I think we've been conditioned.

So by the time I was six years old, I swear this is true. I was called fat as a house by not one, but two different women. The first time it happened, I was at my friend's house. I won't say her name. You'll see why in a minute. Her mother was like always trying to quit smoking and she'd tell anybody about it with ears. And I had recently,

as a little child got in the flu. And apparently I lost a bunch of weight because when I went back to school, my pants were hanging off of me. All the girls, all the kids at school were like, my God, you got so skinny. And all the parents were commenting about my weight. And so I remember going over to this girl's house after school. She was real skinny. She always had good snacks at her house. We went into her kitchen and we each got a piece of Wonder Bread and a Twinkie.

and her mother who is cranky as shit, because she was trying to quit smoking, I think, but also just cranky as shit, came in, saw what we were eating, charged past my friend, came straight to me, ripped the Twinkie and the Wonder Bread out of my hands and said, my God, Lauren, you can't eat this, you're gonna get fat as a house again, and threw it in the trash. I was so mortified and so ashamed

And yet I was still thinking about my Twinkie in the trash. And my friend was like, yeah, don't worry about her. She's just really mean. And especially when she's trying to quit smoking. And then, you know, the second time it happened was very shortly after that. I still, think I was still six years old. We went over to my mother's friend's house. This lady was terrifying. She, God, she was just really skinny and really mean.

Lauren Bernick (02:30.13)
And we were eating dinner and I guess I was just enjoying what I was eating too much. I don't know if I was eating too quickly or just had a look of enjoyment on my face or if I went back for seconds, but whatever I did, this woman put her silverware down, looked at me and said, you need to stop eating so much. You are fat as a house. And with that, I just burst into tears. She had teenage kids and I was so embarrassed.

to be called fat as a house in front of these kids. And my mother came over to me and she didn't say anything like we're leaving, but she just got me up and she said, come on, let's go in the teenage daughter's room so you can watch TV and just be by yourself and collect your thoughts. And I remember walking past the teenage girl and as I was walking to her room and past her, sort of get, and this girl is bone thin.

She gave me sort of a knowing look and then cast her eyes down in her lap. I'm sure her life was not easy with this woman. And so really by the time, can you believe by the time I was six years old, I had been called fat as a house by two different women. And the truth is looking back at my pictures, I was a little bit chubby. wasn't fat. Look, even if I was fat as a house, there is no reason to ever shame a child like that. I just couldn't believe it.

And I realize now that they were projecting their fears about being fat onto me. And I was supposed to take this with me. And I was supposed to use this and infect other women. But really, I just internalized it my whole life. I did a great job of that. Kind of, you know, hating myself anytime I wasn't thin. And I spent most of my life being overweight.

A little, but still, you know, it's probably like the high end of a normal weight, but I was supposed to feel shame about it. But then good news, when I was a teenager and young woman, men started leering at me and cornering at me and making lewd comments to me. Yay, maybe I'm not fat and ugly after all. And so that's what we do. And I think something really important is happening right now. It's palpable.

Lauren Bernick (04:54.146)
You know, on Instagram, I saw this woman post a reel and she was asking other women, when was the first time you remember someone commenting on your body? And every woman was able to answer the question and they usually said about six or seven years old, which was when it happened to me. Men either couldn't remember or said, I don't know, I don't know if people comment on my body. I saw Stacey Abrams talking about how we're supposed to

Take self-defense, don't wear short skirts, don't walk alone at night, don't be somewhere you're not supposed to be. But then if we're attacked, people don't believe us. What were we doing? What were we wearing? Not telling the men, don't attack women. And then I saw a sub stack from Jamila Jamil and it was called, maybe you've seen it too, it was called, Shit, We Let the Pedophiles Decide Our Beauty Standards.

And it talked about the prescription is for grown women to be hairless, smooth, curve-less, and ageless. It's a response to a pedophile dominant media and entertainment industry. And they have found a very smart way to exploit the very young because they've set a standard that's so difficult for grown women to achieve that it's just easier to put, you know, 14, 15 year old girls in the spotlight.

And this is all coded to say erase all signs of womanhood, age, body hair, autonomy, motherhood, thighs, creases, adopt girlhood as the forever norm, girlhood good, womanhood bad. And that's what she went on to talk about. And then she said, this is the part that really just blew my mind. She said, then they made the quiet part acceptable.

to say out loud the minute that they put 16 year old Britney Spears in a schoolgirl outfit and in her underwear at 17 holding a teddy bear on the cover of Rolling Stone magazine. And it was pushed so hard by the media that it became acceptable overnight for men to openly fantasize over little girls. We have to stop buying into this endless youth, perfect body bullshit. We have to burn this down. That's what she was saying. What I'm saying is,

Lauren Bernick (07:16.086)
We have to revere older women. We have to protect young girls. We have to be like the bonobos monkeys. I hope you heard this podcast that we did a couple of weeks ago with Dominique de Bru, a filmmaker. She did the documentary, Wise Women, Humanity's Untold Origins, where she talked about how women in ancient civilizations were revered leaders after menopause and

That's when they came into their time of power. And then she talked about the bonobos monkeys. They have a very distinct call whenever a female is in distress. First of all, it's a matriarchal society, the bonobos monkeys. And they have a very distinct screech whenever a bonobos monkey is being.

threatened by a male, especially sexually, they make this sound and all the other women, female bonobos monkeys come running to her her aid, no matter where they are, they drop everything, they come running to her, they protect her and they drive the male off. Now, if he can learn to behave, he can come back to the group. But if he doesn't, he's outcast. I told Dominique during the interview that I started tearing up, it made me cry.

And I've been thinking about it a lot. I guess it has seeped into my psyche and got me fired up because recently we were on a road trip. We went to, God, we went to Vicksburg, Mississippi. My husband wanted to see this Civil War site. Vicksburg, you know, I expected to see like Confederate flags and all kinds of things like that. And it was a cute little town. It was fine. And we went to this little

brewery for dinner where they serve some vegan food, Key City Brewery, I'm gonna give them a shout out because they made me something nice and oil-free and vegan. And there were these two young women working at the hostess stand and I had a clear view of them from my seat and at one point this older man, he was probably in his late 60s, early 70s, came over to them, was chatting them up.

Lauren Bernick (09:37.708)
I started kind of watching to see what was going on. Something about it made me uncomfortable from the beginning. And he was like touching them and I could see them. I could read their body language. They were like backing up a little bit and they were not, they were trying not to be rude, but also like they look like what can we do? We have to stand here and let this man, you know, chat us up and touch us and you know.

just get real close and talk in their face. And he was laughing. He was having a great old time and they were just like, God, please help me. And at the time I was still, this was still bubbling up and I was still really thinking about it. was, I was still forming my opinions and finding my words, but it made me so angry that I got up, my husband's like,

after the man left. got up, my husband's like, where are going? And I was like, I need to talk to these girls. And I stormed off and I went up to them and I said, look, I'm really sorry if I'm overstepping here. But I was watching that man talk to you and it seemed like he was making you feel uncomfortable. I was like, do you know him? And they were like, yeah, he comes in here all the time. And I was like, was he making you uncomfortable? And they just looked at each other like they didn't want to admit this to me like they were being rude. And they were like,

Yes, ma'am, a little bit. And I was like, look, I know you're young and you feel like you have to let these men touch you and you can't be rude and you have to be polite. But I was like, you don't have to take that. And I know you think you do because you're worried like, I'm going to lose my job if I'm rude to the customers. I'm like, you can do this in a way. And I was like, look, maybe you will lose your job.

But I was like, you have to be able to stand up for yourself. You have a right not to let these men paw at you and corner you and make you feel uncomfortable and make you laugh at their stupid jokes. It's ridiculous, you don't have to do that. I said, you can just stand up tall, back away a little bit, and if he touches you in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable, you can just say, excuse me, please don't touch me.

Lauren Bernick (11:54.762)
And back up, you don't have to be rude, but you can stand up for yourself. And they just looked at each other and they were like, yes, ma'am. And I was like, look, don't you don't have to be polite to me. I was like, I'm, I certainly want you to be able to say what you want to say. And the, and the one girl said, you've read this situation completely, right? He comes in here all the time. He makes us uncomfortable. And I was like, I just,

I've been through it. Every woman has been through it and you just have the right to stand up for yourself. I was like, you should talk to your parents about this and maybe get some advice from them. But I was like, you just, you know, and maybe even talk to your boss about it. But I was like, you have the right to stand up for yourself. And they were like, thank you. And then I can't believe, you know, it was such a Southern town and they were like, yes, ma'am. Yes, ma'am. And

It just brought out that I said, OK, be sweet. And then I turned around. I was like, oh my God, what am I saying? I'm conditioning you. I'm like, don't be sweet. Do not be sweet. I was like, I can't believe I just said all those things to you and then told you to be sweet. was like, God, we're so conditioned. And they started cracking up. And I was like, all right, we all need to work on ourselves. But we have to be like bonobos monkeys. And you know, some women report rage during perimenopause and menopause.

Well, let's find a good use for that rage. Let's use it to protect young girls and other women from predators. I mean, I'm starting to find my inner rage and look the fuck out. God help you if I see you pestering a woman or young woman. And I'm mad at myself that I didn't talk to that man directly, but I promise you, now that I've been thinking about this and mulling it over, I'm gonna say something to the man the next time. So.

Let that estrogen drop, that's the hormone of accommodation. Let these feelings wash over you, embrace your rage. you know, we've got to band together. We cannot get distracted about messages about our looks. That's what they want to happen at this age. Do you know why that the same men get more distinguished and more handsome as they age? Because we've been told this, we've been shown this.

Lauren Bernick (14:11.572)
We see old grizzled men in the media. We're used to it. Men are allowed to fucking age while we are only shown that women are beautiful when they're teenagers. What if we start showing the world what beautiful aging women look like? What if we got to see women on TV who were aging? What if that was the norm? What if God forbid we saw women with wrinkles and cellulite and we got used to it?

What's gonna happen to the diet, beauty, cosmetic industries? What's gonna happen when we each stop spending thousands of dollars every year to look younger? Billions and billions of dollars will disappear from our economy. We hold the power. Don't you forget that. Don't get distracted from your job as an elder, as a crone, we're gonna take back that word, as a strong, beautiful, powerful woman at this time during your life.

You

Lauren Bernick (15:15.606)
I'm sorry. It is time for us to undo that conditioning, to accept our beauty, to accept our power.

Lauren Bernick (15:29.642)
And to use that rage for good, my bonobo sisters.

Lauren Bernick (15:38.701)
Okay, wish I wasn't such an ugly crier. turned bright red. But that's it. That's what I have to say to you today. You are beautiful and you are powerful. And you can speak up for yourself and for others. Have a beautiful week. Bye.