Ep. 96: Softening Is the Upgrade: Let That Sh*t Go

In this episode, I’m talking about what it actually means to “let that sh*t go," not in a bypass-y, pretend-it’s-fine way, but in a deeply human, nervous-system-level shift that can change how you feel in your body, your relationships, and your life.

I share personal stories, simple practices you can use immediately, and a shift in perspective that might just make everything feel a little lighter.

What I Cover

• Why so many of us are stuck in a chronic stress state (and don’t even realize it)
• What “softening” actually looks like: emotionally and physically
• How to shift out of fight-or-flight and into calm, connection, and clarity
• The surprising lesson we can learn from our dog
• How softening can transform your relationships, especially with family
• The role of forgiveness (including forgiving yourself) in letting go
• Reframing hard situations as something you chose

This episode is sponsored by Grand Teton Ancient Grains

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Websites, Cookbook, Classes, and Merch

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Transcript

Lauren Bernick (00:01.614)
Hi friends, welcome to this week's mini episode. This episode is presented by Grand Teton Ancient Grains. Today I wanna highlight their pastas. They are so delicious because of the way that they're made. The sauce truly sticks to the pasta. I had some spaghetti and I made it into macaroni and cheese or spaghetti and cheese.

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The result is genuine einkorn flavor, better texture, and a lighter, more satisfying bowl you can feel good about. Try their fusilli, linguini, spaghetti, or angel hair. Go to ancientgrains.com and you'll get free shipping when you fill a box. Their free shipping policy will be in the show notes. So if you love pasta but want it to be the most healthful it can be, go to ancientgrains.com.

Okay, I wanna welcome our new listeners. We have so many new listeners and welcome. If you don't know me very well, if I don't know you very well, feel free to drop me an email or message me on social media. If you wanna learn a little bit more about me, there's a couple of episodes that maybe you could listen to. Meet the Host, episode 14. I kind of go through,

Just some of the highlights of my life, it's kind of funny. How I overcame my heart disease, that's kind of a big one with me. This is the reason I started eating a whole food plant-based diet. That's episode 48. And then if you wanna meet my husband, Andy, we did an episode on our anniversary celebrating 35 years of marriage, that's episode 65. And then of course,

Lauren Bernick (02:20.61)
I tried to lower my LDL cholesterol naturally with food with Dr. Greger. That episode is 82. You can listen to that and see my results. Okay. So, this week I want to talk about the softening. This is one of the chapters in the book I'm writing. I keep telling you I'm writing a book because I want you to hold me accountable. So this episode is about the softening and

Really, you soften physically and emotionally. And maybe the issue is that your life is stressful because you resist what is. You fight with people, maybe you blame, you feel that you need to be right. You're too hard on yourself and others. You cling to a story that makes you right instead of letting go. And your nervous system is in constant fight or flight mode, wreaking havoc on your health.

And the root cause may be because you feel that you need to win or be right at all costs. Maybe you have a scarcity mindset. You don't want to extend yourself to others in love because maybe you've been hurt. Maybe you're really hard on yourself. Maybe you don't accept what is. You worry about the future. You ruminate on the past. You don't enjoy the present. And so I'm gonna...

give you maybe some solutions that I've learned from my own life and from the podcast. Okay, so the first thing we need to do is soften up by retraining your nervous system. Our society has created this perfect storm that keeps our nervous system in constant overdrive. We're overstimulated, we are supposed to be reachable all the time, never off the clock, we've had our attention hijacked,

We can't put down our phones. Our sleep is disrupted. We don't have time for relaxation. Our community is shrunk, so we don't even have people to help us shoulder our burdens. And then we have, you know, social media images of perfection reminding us constantly that we're not measuring up. So, you know, really it's not a wonder we're so stressed, right? And when we allow ourselves to just be, our nervous system resets. So one of my guests,

Lauren Bernick (04:48.182)
This is back. This is episode 10. If you want to listen to it, Dr. Matthew Liederman. He was one of the doctors from Forks Over Knives. We also interviewed his fantastic partner in crime, his wife, Dr. Alona and Dr. Alona Poldate. They were both in Forks Over Knives, but Dr. Matt Liederman explains that most of our lives were stuck in fight or flight and

We're chronically like that now. And the consequences show up as disease, exhaustion, burnout, and emotional softening is really about learning to retune the guitar, to strengthen what he calls safety physiology. And that means shifting from fight or flight into calm, connection, and repair. And...

One of the easiest ways that you can just start practicing right away is prolonged exhalations. You can try box breathing. That's where you inhale for four, hold for four, exhale for four, and repeat. But what I'm interested in is like, why do we need to do this? Why are we stuck in fight or flight mode? And from all my reading,

from all my listening to podcasts, from listening to my incredible guests, we've kind of moved away from our purpose here on earth. And I'm not talking about procreating, that's biologically what we're here to do, right? And one can argue that's not even really happening as much these days, but I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about that we are here on earth to love one another.

Period, seriously, it sounds so simple, but that's what we're here to do. And a lot of us feel really awkward extending ourselves in love. So how do we get back to our natural and loving state?

Lauren Bernick (06:59.564)
What I think we should do, one way to start, is look to your dog or a friend's dog. Your dog knows the meaning of life. She rests when she's tired. She enjoys her food when she's hungry. She takes time to play and enjoy nature. She baths in the sun. She sniffs all the magnificent smells. You can skip that part if you want. And she extends herself in unconditional love.

You can yell at her for eating your shoe and like she'll cringe for a moment, know, shrink away for a moment, but two seconds later, she's gonna come back and lick your face. She's not thinking, is my human still mad about the whole shoe thing? I wonder if I should go up and lick her face. Like, I wonder if she's forgiven me. Maybe I'll give her a few minutes. No, she's not like that. She's not thinking about the past. She's not worrying about, you know, coming at you and showing you love.

So you need to start softening up by extending yourself in love. I have an example of how I did this. So I have four step siblings. I got them when I was six years old. Three boys and a girl. My three younger brothers are younger, obviously, I just said that, and my sister's a year older.

So when I was introduced to them when I was six years old, I was an only child. And let me tell you, the thought that I was gonna have four siblings was like the most exciting thing you could have told me. I was so starved for siblings. I mean, I thought we were gonna be like the Brady Bunch, you know? So when I met them, I like charged at them. I was hugging them. I was all over them. I was like a dog.

I was a damn Labrador retriever. And they all just kind of stood there, not really, you know, soaking it up. And I couldn't understand. Well, years later, I kind of started figuring it out. The reason they were a little standoffish, they weren't always, I mean, we had a lot of good times. We definitely played and we had our share of mischief and, you know, acted like siblings a lot. But there was always a little bit of standoffishness.

Lauren Bernick (09:25.978)
especially from my sister, who's the oldest because their mother was left with four children in this divorce. I think they were all under seven, four children under seven years old. And my stepfather was a wonderful person, but he had some shortcomings. One of them, he was not a great business person. And the other one was he really did not defend his children.

as he should have. And also he should have, I don't know what he should have done in his divorce, but I get the feeling that he didn't leave his first wife in a great way. you know, I don't know what went on between them, but I know that it was very difficult for her to raise these four children on her own, which she did mostly. I mean, really on her own. And so she had some anger and she let her children know.

that it was unacceptable for them to show any kind of, know, closeness with us. And it affected them. And I didn't think that I really understood this until I was getting married. They all lived in New York and they would come to Texas where I lived in Houston for summers. And some of them lived with us, you know, a year on and off here and there a couple years.

But when I was getting married in Texas, she was refusing to let them come from New York. And they were, you know, probably like, I was 21, about to turn 22. So my sister was like 23 and all the boys were younger, probably in college. So I thought I had a great idea. I'll call her up and I'll charm her and I'll talk to her. Well, she let loose on me with all the rage that you can imagine. She had pent up all these years.

I was sobbing when I got off the phone with her and I was like, well, damn, now I have a slight idea of why these kids are a little standoffish. I just couldn't understand what had gone on with them their whole life. So fast forward to my stepfather's 60th birthday. The four of them got up and made a toast and

Lauren Bernick (11:50.978)
They excluded me and it broke my heart. And after that I was like, I'm hardening towards these people. you know, I'm not going to, I'm not going to take this anymore. Even though I understand where they're coming from, the hurt that's just gone on for years and years and years, I'm done with it. Like I can't stand that they still, after all these years, I was in my late twenties at this point, that they still think that they're separate from me. Like they're a unit and I'm separate and I'm just done.

It broke my heart. And so I pulled away. They all went their separate ways and years passed. Our stepfather, our father died. He always had a lit cigarette dangling out of his mouth. And I guess, you know, that can give you lung cancer. And he died of lung cancer a few years after his 60th birthday party. And, you know, there were some texts, some exchanges of sorrow and so forth. But that was it. And then some more years went by.

I had kids, they had kids, but when they started having kids, I think they softened a little bit. And it just kills me to think, I'm not gonna know these kids if I don't make a move. If I don't stop being an idiot, like why am I being such an idiot? I have to let this shit go. So I started reaching out with baby gifts and little notes were exchanged here and there. And we started all talking again.

And we were grownups. We were full grownups by this point. And then we really, really started talking and we really started explaining our points of view and why we acted the way we acted. And we got all that hurt out in the open. And we were really able to get some generational shithouse stuff out of the way and move on. And I am really proud to say that

My kids know them as their aunts and uncles. Their kids know me as Aunt Lauren. And we were really, really able to let that shit go and get back to our loving natural state. So I extended myself in love and look what I got in return. Instead of just carrying grudges that make you feel anger.

Lauren Bernick (14:13.046)
I got a real relationship with the people that I always longed for, longed for in my life. And I'm proud of that. And then you can soften by realizing the way that people act makes sense to them. So they were acting in a way that made sense to them. They were trying to protect themselves, they were trying to please their mother, they were trying to please their father, they didn't know what to do, you know, but.

Doctor, I had on Harvard psychologist, Dr. Ellen Langer. She was in episode 27. You should go back and listen to her. She is amazing. But she really drives home the point that people act in a way that makes sense to them. So she gave the example that she's just extremely gullible. She's a really smart person, but she is gullible. She said that she has been taken by not one, but two psychopaths in her life.

but she's never not going to be gullible because she values being trusting. So there's always a good reason that we act the way we do. It's rooted in some kind of characteristic that we value. In her case, she valued being trusting over being gullible. So if you can remember that, you'll have more compassion and more understanding. So then you have to soften by realizing all humans have been hurt.

Don't let hurt harden you. So I just gave you an example of that with my siblings. But I have another story with my dad. My parents got divorced when I was really young. I wasn't very close with my dad. He kind of had a bad temper when I was younger and he was younger. And it was a nasty divorce and the whole thing. We didn't live close to each other, but we weren't really close.

But one day I found out, we were on the phone and I was kind of shitty to him, I have to say. I was never, I was kind of shitty. So one day I was on the phone with him and I'm just kind of going through the motions. you know, now I had kids and he was kind of showing up and I led him, but kind of kept him at arm's length a little bit. And we were on the phone and I had by accident, just this weird,

Lauren Bernick (16:40.256)
you know, random things happened and I found out that his mother, my grandmother, was adopted. And so I was telling this to my dad and he got so flustered and he said, no wonder my grandfather never loved me. I'm so upset. I feel like taking his shaving mug and throwing it against the wall. And it just broke my heart. I was like, my gosh, I've been just such a jerk to this man.

Even as a grown up, mean, I had my reasons when I was younger, but I had carried a lot of just, you know, shittiness around even as an adult. And I thought, you know what? He was once a child and he was once hurt. And he's carried around that hurt in him for a long time. And it's just time to let all this go. What am I doing? This is my dad. He's alive.

He wants to have a relationship with me now. He wants to be a good grandfather to my kids. And I'm just still being a jerk. So I'm going to stop doing that. And I, I had like a real talk with him that day, you know, talked to him, him about his mother and his grandfather and all the things like, we just had a really deep conversation. And ever since then, we've really started rebuilding our relationship from scratch. And it's so beautiful.

to have that relationship with him now. And so we have to realize that all humans have been hurt, but don't let that harden you. I talk about like, you you get hardened by something and it's like, do you remember that magic shell ice cream stuff, that like chocolate you'd pour on your ice cream and then it formed that hard shell? So every experience is like another layer of that chocolate coating. It just keeps adding on.

harder layer and harder layer and harder layer until you're just this really walled off person and that chocolate coating is not serving you well. And so the way to break free of that is just to realize that everyone's been hurt. Don't let that harden you. One of the most important ways to soften is by not being so hard on yourself. my God, okay, this is the hardest one, okay?

Lauren Bernick (19:04.128)
Look, I've talked about all the things that could have really hardened me to be really shitty to myself. the times, you know, I was told I was fat as a kid or just whatever these dumb adults told me that I took in and I had to unravel and unwork and unbelieve. But, you know, this is the thing. Don't be so hard on yourself.

Every time you catch yourself saying something crappy to yourself, you have to stop and replace that thought with a good thought. So I've learned that I'm mostly a good person. I'm still working on it, but I am worthy. I'm a loving person. I deserve good things in life and I have good things in life. That's not an accident. I believe that I deserve it. I am not really a hard person on myself. I have a lot of self-compassion.

And I've stopped letting that relentless critic in my head dictate how I view myself. So, you know, like, let's say I miss a workout. Great. That means I spent time doing something else or nothing. If I screw something up, great. That means I learned something. If I accidentally offended someone, great. That means I got to apologize and hopefully had a meaningful conversation with them. And hopefully that brought us closer.

If I feel slighted by somebody, great. Another real conversation that will hopefully lead us to more closeness. If I'm tired, great, I take a nap or I go to bed earlier. I definitely don't push through. Remember, I'm looking to my dog. My dog takes a nap when she's tired. If I look in the mirror and I start criticizing my looks, not great. I stop and I immediately tell myself, hey,

You're perfect the way you are. You are a beautiful woman in her late 50s. You look the way a woman your age should look. And then I think about my friends who died young and I have a few of them and they didn't get the privilege of aging and seeing how they would evolve. And then I thank my radiantly healthy, beautiful body for allowing me to grow and birth three babies and nourish them from my body.

Lauren Bernick (21:23.03)
I mean, what an incredible gift. Did it take a physical toll on me? Yeah. I mean, if that's the way I choose to look at it, but I prefer to see a woman who was privileged that her lush body did what it was meant to do. So I can't control society. I can't control what other people think about me. I can't control any of that, but I can control how I talk to myself and I'm gonna be damned if I'm gonna say some mean shit to myself.

You shouldn't say mean shit to yourself either ever. So start catching yourself and replace your unkind thoughts with kind thoughts. Another way you can soften is by accepting and imagining that the circumstances that are bothering you that you don't want to accept start thinking that you chose them. Imagine that you chose this circumstance, whether it's

your husband leaving you or you getting fired or you know, something like that. Maybe it's a health crisis. I know that sounds crazy, but just changing your thinking and imagining that you chose it because there's always something that could come out of it that's good even in a health crisis. I mean, if you guys know Chef AJ, I think a lot of you know me through her. So you might be familiar with Chef AJ. If not,

you know, look at her incredible YouTube channel. She's battling lung cancer. She has said incredible gifts have come out of this horrific experience. And so by accepting and imagining that you chose this situation, it can really, really soften you. I have a daughter who lives in Australia. And if you think that I'm happy she lives in Australia, you're trippin'.

No, but you know, she moved there. She basically went away for a study abroad. I don't, it's probably been like 12 years, 10 years. I don't know. She's been gone a long time. She's lived all over the world. She's had an incredible life. She's just such a, I'm so proud of her. She's just such a little adventurer, but she's made a beautiful life in Australia. But when she was first living there, a guy broke up with her.

Lauren Bernick (23:48.652)
And it was for the best. He's a nice guy, but he was not the right guy for her. But she called me, FaceTimed me, sobbing hysterically. And I felt so helpless. Look, all you wanna do is put your arms around your child when they're suffering. And there was nothing I could do. I just stayed on the phone with her. We were FaceTiming, and I just said, go make a cup of tea, come sit back down, and if you just wanna cry, I'll watch you cry.

There was literally nothing I could do. You know, we talked here and there, but mostly I watched her cry and my insides were churning. I'm sure you can imagine. And finally she was like, you know, it was probably two hours or more. And then she's like, okay, I feel better now. I'm going to get off the phone. And we got off the phone. Well, then I started sobbing. I was like this.

I can't, how am I gonna do this? Like what if she, God forbid she really needs me. I can't get to her in less than 24 hours. And I just started spinning out and then I was like, okay, you need to calm down. Because she lives there and let's think about this rationally. Okay, she had her heart broken in the great realm of things. This is not that big of a deal.

Everybody gets their heart broken, it's bad right now, but she's gonna get over it. But she loves Australia, it really agrees with her. It's a great place, my husband and I have been numerous times now. And let me think about this, if there was a real emergency, she has a posse of friends there, she has people that would take care of her until I could get there. But in the meantime, I have to have some.

level of acceptance around this or I'm gonna go nuts. And so I started thinking, what if I pretended I chose this? What if I pretended I chose for her to move to Australia because it's an incredible city. She lives in Melbourne. Melbourne is a crazy great city. It's safe, it's clean, it has fabulous public transportation.

Lauren Bernick (26:07.272)
It has, you know, she has an incredible job now. She also has an incredible partner now. She has a great dog. She has a great place to live. But back then I was just like, okay, what are the pros here? And you know, all the things, like it's a great city. She's happy there. She could get a good job. She feels safe. She has wonderful friends, you know, all the things. And I was like, okay, let me just pretend I chose this.

And as I started pretending, it's kind of like fake it till you make it, as I started pretending that this is what I wanted for her, I really did start believing it on some level and then started being so happy she lived there. And of course she got through that little bump and has made such a lovely life for her. So.

Practice the idea of imagining that you chose whatever challenging situation you're in and that will help you soften. There's a lot more, like I'm just gonna go through these quickly now. Soften by practicing the idea that you don't have to be right about everything. One of my great guests, Joan Moran, she's been on twice, but this one is episode 51. Yeah, 51. She's an 81 year old author and she talks a lot about

you don't have to be right, but you do have to be vulnerable for emotional connection. So there's a lot about that. And there's a lot of exercises that you can do more than just box breathing. But Candice Thomas was also an incredible guest I have. I don't remember offhand what episode she was in, but she does this great exercise about softening.

recalling yourself at different ages and hugging them back into your heart. So she says, start with five-year-old you. So can you imagine yourself at five years old, all the challenges you have in your life, whatever was going on? Like for me, like I said, my parents were going through an ugly divorce when I was five years old. And I had those terrible women that I've talked about in other episodes telling me I was fat, fat as a house. Those were the words.

Lauren Bernick (28:26.254)
You know, all these, and so I felt so down on myself, and my parents were divorcing, and there was just so much turmoil, and I was five, I felt so out of control, like I didn't, not out of control, I felt like I didn't have any control over my life. So I thought about five-year-old Lauren, and I just hugged her and thought, what a sweet girl, like, let me just love you into my heart.

And then you imagine yourself like at 11, what were you going through at 11 and all the problems and issues and you hug that person into your heart. And what was I going through when I was 18 and 21 and 35 and just, you know, imagining all those scenarios and hugging that person into your heart. And that really helps you soften to yourself and to have more self-compassion. And that's really one of the biggest ones.

is self-compassion and just softening. Another exercise is here's a really low stakes one. When I'm driving, I just let everybody in in traffic. I am just like, come on in. I don't care if you cheated. You didn't wait in line to whatever. Just, I'm not gonna be a jerk. Just come on in. Let's all get to where we're going safely. And then I send love. I send love to that person. I send love to all the fellow people on the road and just say,

let's all get to where we're going safely. That's the main thing. Let's just all be safe, you know, in our cars, get to where we're going, hopefully have good interactions when we get there. Let's just be safe. And that's a really low stakes exercise. If you don't want to jump into the one like where I talked about with my siblings, just really getting to the bottom of, you know, our issues. If you don't feel ready for that,

and you just want low stakes, just send love to strangers. I mean, it's a bonus if you could say things out loud, but if you're not there, it's okay. Just send love to strangers. Just send it with your mind. Then send love to people you know. Maybe even send love in your mind to people you're having issues with that maybe one day you want to reconnect with. Just start by loving them telepathically. I mean, it sounds cuckoo, but...

Lauren Bernick (30:46.37)
Look, we're all connected. Maybe they'll feel some of it. And even if they don't, it's for you. It's for you. Soften your heart. Let that shit go. So I hope this has been helpful. I appreciate every single one of you. If this has made sense to you, I would love if you would share this with somebody. And I'm sending love to you. Not telepathically, I'm sending it with my mouth because I really do.

appreciate every last one of you. So thanks for listening.