Situationships and Friends with Benefits - What Works and What Doesn't

Are casual-sex relationships always problematic, or can they actually work for some people? In this episode, we break down the key differences between "friends with benefits" (clear boundaries) and situationships (confusing lack of clarity). Learn why catching feelings during casual sex is completely normal and healthy, when these arrangements can work, and crucial signs they're not right for you. We'll explore attachment styles, discuss why some people naturally bond through sex while others remain detached, and provide practical guidance for knowing whether you're built for casual relationships. Plus, we address the long-term implications of consistent emotional avoidance, and answer the question: is it possible to  prioritize my emotional well-being while having casual sex?

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Transcript

0:00  
Welcome to Sex help for smart people. I'm Dr Laura Jurgens, I'm here to help you have better sex, intimacy and relationships. So let's get at it.

0:09  
Hello, wonderful people. I am so glad you are here. Welcome to Episode 84 we are talking today about situationships and Friends with benefits, what works and what doesn't. So we're going to start off with defining some terms. And actually, first, I want to make a quick mention for anybody who's listening to this. When it comes out, it is August of 2025 and for the next month. So for last week of August and the month of September, I have a very special offer for you, which is, if you have been on the fence about working with me and you are not sure you want to commit to a full package of 12 sessions three months, which is typical, to get started with me, you have a chance right now to do a trial three pack. I don't always do this because I'm usually completely booked up and I don't have space in my schedule to do trials for people. But right now, I have a lot of clients on vacation at the end of the summer, you know, and just like kids going back to school, and so a lot of people are out of town right now, and I have a little bit of space, so I want to invite you, if you have been wanting to just try out a session or two or three, now is the time, and you should go book a consult right away, which are free, by the way, to see if it might be a good fit for you. And we will just talk about your situation and see if coaching is the right fit. And if not, I will recommend whatever other resources I have for you. So go to my website, Laura jurgens.com, and click, book a consult, and that's how you do it. And tell me that you want the three pack in our consult you have until the end of September 2025 and if it is in the future, and you're listening to this and you are not 100% sure about a three month commitment, it is also still okay to book a free consult, and we can talk about it all right. So let's talk about situationships and Friends with benefits. These are sort of the catch all terms today for casual sexual relationships. So we're going to talk about what works and what doesn't. If you are thinking about getting into one of these, or you are in one and you are wondering if this is working for you, or a good idea I got you today, today is what this is all about. Or maybe you have a friend who is in this situation, or you are thinking about whether you want to transition a relationship to a friends with benefits situation. So first off, let's define some terms, friends with benefits, abbreviation FWB. This is a situation in which you have clear boundaries that are established up front through discussion that you are friends who sometimes have sex. Now, look, not everybody is completely descriptive in their discussions about this, right? But in terms of, like, having very clear boundaries, but for generally, what we're thinking is both parties understand that this is not a romantic relationship. Typically, people are saying, on purpose, that this is what they're doing and what they're looking for. And you'll see it in people's dating profiles, though, that is what they're looking for. This typically involves no long term commitment expectations, no expectation of romantic gestures or regular texting or calls or those kinds of things, some sort of casual sex or casual flirting. It doesn't necessarily have to involve any sort of like genital sex, but you have some sort of casual sexual contact. Could be make outs, for example, and a clear understanding of what it is and what it isn't is kind of the defining feature of friends with benefits. It is not a romantic relationship, right? We are friends. On the other hand, situationships, this is where there's a lack of a clear conversation about what's actually happening. It generally tends to be characterized by some confusion and ambiguity, at least on someone's part. It usually involves sex, but there's an unclear trajectory for where that's going, and at least one person is confused about that, where it's headed, right? So by definition, a situationship is like, somebody doesn't know exactly what's going on, not clear where the relationship is headed. Okay? So that's that clear distinction. Friends with Benefits has boundaries and situationships lack them. It's not... and what I mean by boundaries is a definition, defined container of the relationship. 

So these arrangements can work and they work under the right circumstances. So a few examples of circumstances where they can. Can work. And I'm not saying this is an exhaustive list, but this is a pretty good place to start. If you're thinking about it, you've got say, let's say you've got two really attachment avoidant people who are not seeking any sort of romantic entanglement, either because they are attachment avoidant generally, that is their disposition, or because their life situations make them temporarily unavailable for a deeper commitment. So examples of some good candidates are, you're recently divorced and you're just really not ready for commitment. You need a chance to get your head on straight, right, like, get out, like, disentangle from that marriage. Another example is you're coming out of a sexless relationship, and you really want physical connection, but you're wary and not ready for an emotional entanglement. Or you are a Roman. You are an A romantic person, so that's not asexual. So you are a sexual person, but you are a romantic which means, and I mean that as one word, it's like you are. This is so confusing when it's not written out. I didn't realize that until I tried to say it.

6:18  
So there are... people have heard of asexuals, right? There are people who are not sexually oriented. They don't desire sex at all, ever. There are also people who are just not romantically oriented. So just like you can be asexual, one word, you can be aromantic, one word Okay. And you could also be a person who is just emotionally avoidant of human attachment. And that may not be a state of being that is permanent for you, but that may be a response to attachment trauma, for example, or a protective mechanism that you have come upon throughout your life. It is one of your coping strategies, is being avoidant of human attachment, and in that case, especially if you're with somebody else who is in a similar boat, that can work. Other situations in which Friends with benefits is a useful structure for many people: non-monogamy situations where both people have other partners, or if you are exploring threesomes or moresomes, but not planning to have ongoing romantic attachments with these folks. 

But it's really important to have realistic expectations for everybody, right? It's helpful if both parties genuinely, genuinely, is the key word here, genuinely want the same level of involvement. If one person is pretending they want it in order to have access to that other person, hoping they will change them. This is not advised, at least by me, it is generally just unless you just want to sign up for a lot of pain and disappointment, that is kind of what you're signing up for there so realistic expectations include both parties genuinely wanting the same level of involvement and attachment, with neither person hoping for more and very Clear communication about boundaries and expectations. So I generally recommend that you clarify a friends with benefits situation, not hang out in a situationship without having those conversations, because it just creates anxiety if somebody doesn't know what the what's going on, and it doesn't allow people to really make a clear decision about what they're signing up for. So problems can arise in these scenarios, which is why I made this podcast in the first place, because people have so many questions. One of those, like common search terms, right? Is like, are situationships bad? Is it always bad? Well, it's not always bad to be in a casual sexual relationship, but I would maybe argue, from my perspective, that it's not super helpful to be in one where somebody doesn't know what's going on, right? If you have defined it as friends with benefits, then I don't think it's too bad. But there are problems that can arise even in that situation, even when everything is clear and defined and it is very normal for problems to arise in a friends with benefits situation, and certainly in a situationship. So because, first of all, catching feelings is human. We are. It is completely normal to develop feelings for someone you are intimate with. And in fact, sexuality for humans, is a bonding experience. It is like that is part of the psychology, psychology of sexuality. For humans, we are a socially sexual species, so it's very normal to develop feelings for someone you're intimate with. It's also totally okay if you don't, it doesn't necessarily mean that there's anything I mean, first of all, there's nothing wrong with you. And even if there's something that you're kind of hiding from yourself, or you might need, want, want to examine or change, from a an emotional wellness perspective about your attachment patterns, it still doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you. Chances are your coping mechanism. Problems are very understandable given your personal history. So it's completely normal to develop feelings for someone you're intimate with, and it's also normal to not develop them. Sex is just a natural bonding experience for humans, and having feelings doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you. Your heart and your genitals are connected, and that is healthy. That is not problematic, but I want to just say it's I don't want to shame anybody. I'm not saying it's not healthy. If you don't have feelings for a particular person, maybe that person just isn't your person. They don't do it for you, or you've got something blocking you, which may mean that you want to examine it, but that's totally up to you. Okay, so catching feelings is human, and that's one of the reasons why problems can arise with these situations, and that's normal, right? The second thing is that there's going to be some disappointment to navigate for a lot of people, that's partly related to that whole catching feelings thing, but sadness and disappointment are normal parts of life. You do not have to avoid friends with benefits or casual sex in order to try to protect yourself from having sadness and disappointment. You could sign up for it. It's okay. You could say, actually, I think having a temporary sexual relationship might be great for me, even if I'm going to be sad and disappointed in the future, and I'm just going to have a plan for that and how I'm going to care for myself through those emotions. That would be totally okay and very brave of you, and you are welcome to do that, and I do not have any doubt that you are strong enough to handle that humans are strong enough to handle sadness and disappointment. You do not have to avoid all potential for sadness in your life. If you try to do that, you will make yourself absolutely nuts. But when feelings do develop, it's important to be onto yourself assess whether you can continue the relationship without hurting yourself further, or without hurting yourself past a manageable level at which you will still be functional for the other things you want to do in your life, and you might consider then transitioning to a platonic friendship. If it's not working out for you anymore to be friends with benefits, you can just go to friends without benefits, sexual benefits, or if it's too painful, you can choose to end contact entirely, if need be. And none of those outcomes are quote, unquote bad or wrong or mean anything about you or the other person. It just means that this isn't working for you anymore, and it's time to transition out in whatever way you feel you're up for all right? The next part here is knowing yourself. It's really important when you're thinking about getting into a casual sexual relationship, or you are in a casual sexual relationship, to figure out, am I built for this? Does this work for me? Right? What might work for somebody else might not work for you. So here's some red flags that this is not for you. Number one, you feel extremely anxious right away. That's not gonna get a lot better magically. So if you are extremely anxious, it's like distractingly anxious from the get go, this may not be the best situation for you. Another one, you tend to get heartbroken quickly, and you're just like, you feel deep sadness. You feel like your heart's really tender. And you are a person who tends to get heartbroken quickly. This is probably not the best idea for you, even if you're one of those people who's like, say, just gotten out of a 30 year marriage, and you want to just date casually? Okay, fine, but you might want to keep it in the friends without benefits land because your heart is already tender and mending. It may not be the time to actually jump in to a casual sexual relationship or a situationship in which it's ambiguous what's going on, another red flag for you, you tend to attach easily to sexual partners that is nothing wrong with you, that is absolutely normal, but it does mean that a casual sexual relationship is likely To be extra hard on you, on your attachment. You consistently, if you know that, you consistently, develop feelings when you have sex with people, that's actually a pretty great thing. That's good one. It means, well, hopefully,

14:34  
hopefully, hopefully. It doesn't always mean that you're choosing great people to have sex, but

14:39  
it could mean that you're developing feelings through the sexual connection, because sex actually releases a bunch of bonding hormones for humans, but you've chosen horrible people to have sex with. If the people you are choosing to have sex with are not people who you respect, their values you like, the way they treat you, right? Be really careful. Careful about having sex with them. But let's say you are a person who chooses people who you do. Like their values, you do like the way they treat you overall, and you know that you consistently will develop feelings for those people. It's going to be hard then for you to feel good in a casual sexual relationship if you want more and the other person doesn't. So remember, we're going back to those questions about, you know, realistic expectations. Does neither person hope for more? If you know ahead of time you are going to be a person who does hope for more, because that's generally your pattern of who you are, then it should raise a red flag for you. Okay, so in those situations, don't fool yourself into thinking it's going to work for you, recognizing your own attachment patterns is self awareness. It's not weakness. It's actually wonderful, and there's nothing wrong with you. The recommendation I have for you in those situations, unless you are wanting to challenge yourself in learning how to process a lot of sadness and disappointment, you may want to save sexual relationships for when the attachment feels safer, and instead focus on Friendship first before adding any sexual elements, and really wait until you can establish trust with the person that you can feel like you Can Be your authentic self, and they are their authentic selves, that you create safety and be sure that you like what is on offer in terms of the structure of the relationship before you go into it. And that's one of those weird things about situationships, is a lot of times people have sort of slid into them. They haven't really thought about what they want or been willing to communicate with the other person about it beforehand. And look, if you can't talk about what relationship structure you want with someone, then do you really want to be having sex with them? That's a really intense level of intimacy for someone who you can't even talk to about what relationship structure you want, so be careful about that stuff. All right. The flip side of this is if you are the person who doesn't attach, right? And I have a few questions for you, and there's also not necessarily anything wrong with this, but it's useful to have the self awareness right? So if you notice that you have consistent emotional disconnection from sex partners, if you don't have feelings in these arrangements really with anybody, or if you consistently leave relationships or distance yourself in other ways, like start dating other people or stop really reaching out to them, or ghost people, or whatever, when you start having feelings that any of these might indicate some avoidant attachment patterns.

17:55  
Now sometimes

17:58  
that is where you want to stay, and that's okay, but there are some long term risks of avoiding attachment. We know that there's increased loneliness later in life, which can be a major risk factor for health and longevity as you age. That there's also can be developing trust issues. Not letting yourself be known also means not letting yourself be truly loved. And people with these patterns tend to have some depression and anxiety associated with them. That's not to say you necessarily will, but being aware of avoidance is really important so you can decide if you really want this on purpose. And I will say, beware rationalizing avoidant patterns with things like blaming a lack of quality partners available. I mean, it's challenging to find a quality partner, but that doesn't mean none of them exist. Self blame is another one. Like, I'm not something enough, I'm not hot enough, I'm not skinny enough, I'm not young enough, whatever. I'm not smart enough, whatever it is. I'm not successful enough. All that stuff is a way that some people use to rationalize, attaching to people, getting mad at a whole gender of people. So for example, all men suck, all women suck kind of things or and here's a subtle one that sneaks in for a lot of people these days, spiritual bypass. So looking at detaching as if it is some sort of spiritual goal or something that we can laud as a an amazing quality that we're looking towards like we're cultivating detachment from other humans and detachment in our sexual relationships as some sort of like higher level, if you are using anything, any religion, if. Any philosophy to justify not having attachment to your sexual partners, that is a spiritual bypass. And you can, we can talk more about spiritual bypass on another episode. In fact, I think that's a great topic, but it's essentially just using sort of spiritual excuses of whatever sort some sort of spiritual seeking to validate either disembodiment like dissociation patterns, or some sort of like lack of self awareness, or going into the pain, basically avoiding the pain of being human by spiritualizing it. Okay, so just be aware that persistently avoiding emotional attachments with sex partners might be worth exploring, and consider whether you want to work on healthy attachment patterns so that you get to have connections throughout your life that feel really nourishing to your soul and help you feel enlivened by people. All right, so some decision making about going into these relationships, you know, one, just be honest about your needs. Don't enter into these arrangements hoping they'll become more. Be aware if you start hoping that that it's not likely to happen. Second, recognize your own attachment patterns and also consider your current life circumstances and whether they can really fit with this. Whether your life circumstance kind of pulls you in the direction of friends with benefits or casual sex, doesn't mean that it's a good fit for your heart, right? So you make your mind might think it's a good fit, but Maybe, and maybe your genitals think it's a good fit, but your heart might not think it's good fit. So some alternatives are, if you're recovering from a difficult relationship, consider focusing on building really beautiful intimate friendships first working on developing healthy attachment patterns during that recovery period with close friends can be really great for your long term success at getting the kind of relationships that you want, and sexual relationships can wait until you feel emotionally safer. So with that, I just want to say that you know you get to choose what you want for your own long term, well being and in general, self knowledge here is way more important than judging what's right or wrong, as if that applies to everyone. Different people and life situations will have different needs at different times, and the full range of desires, both attachment and avoidance actually have their place. So I would just say that neither situation ships nor Friends with Benefits are inherently good or bad. They work in some circumstances for some people, and they don't work in others. And so being really honest with yourself and not trying to force yourself into arrangements that consistently cause you pain is a good idea. But also not judging yourself for whatever your needs in the moment tend to be, and being aware that your partners or someone else's may be different, and trying to be as thoughtful and upfront as possible so that you can be clear with them is a really good idea. All right, my dears, I hope that was helpful. And if you find yourself in one of these situations and you don't want to be in this situation, or if you're thinking about it and you're not sure if it's for you and you need some help, please feel free to reach out, and I'll see you here next week. Want to come to Hawaii with me. If you are a woman or you know any, send them right to my homepage. www.Laurajurgens.com the Maui retreat info is there and it is open for Early Bird registration. Don't miss it, and I get to see you in Hawaii.