What you're really working toward with mismatched libidos

Most people think the goal with mismatched libidos is making the lower-desire partner want more of the sex you've been having—or making the higher-desire partner want less. But that's not it. 

And it wouldn't work anyway. 

I walk through the actual goals when you're healing a desire gap. They boil down to maximizing sexual compatibility, emotional connection, and quality of communication, then deciding how to manage whatever gap, if any, is left over. This means focusing first on better quality sex, real emotional connection, and removing what's blocking desire. Then making clean decisions together. Plus, we'll talk about why magic bullets or quick fixes don't work, and what does. 

Get my free guide: 5 Steps to Start Solving Desire Differences
(Without Blame or Shame), A Practical Starting Point for Individuals and Couples, at https://laurajurgens.com/libido

Find out more about me at https://laurajurgens.com/

Transcript

0:01  
Welcome to the desire gap podcast. I'm your host. Dr Laura Jurgens, and whether you want more sex than your partner or less, you are not wrong, and your relationship isn't doomed. You just need better tools to solve the struggles of mismatched libidos. That's what we do here. So welcome and let's dive in. Hey everyone. Welcome to today's episode. I am really happy to be talking about what we're actually working towards with mismatch libidos today. So we're going to talk about what is the actual goal, and I will start with something that may surprise you. When I work with couples under or individuals, which is half my practice as individuals on desire discrepancies, the goal is not to make the lower desire partner magically want more of the exact same sex you've been having, and it is not to make the higher desire partner magically stop wanting sex. And I know that might sound confusing at first, because, like, isn't the whole point to, you know, quote, unquote, fix the gap. And here's what I really want to convey today, that the goal is actually not to fix your partner or magically align your libidos. The goal is actually something much better and much more feasible and likely I'm going to walk you through what we're actually working towards when we address desire discrepancies today, because if you don't know what you're aiming for, you'll probably keep trying things that don't work and getting frustrated. And I also think it's hard to get your head around how to sort this out when you don't have a sense of what is actually possible and what you're working towards. And I'm going to be really upfront with you about all the stuff that doesn't work and the problems and pitfalls with having goals that are just like to fix your partner or make them different. There are a lot of people out there who are going to cater to those ideas that that's possible by selling you like idea, like this idea of a magic bullet that somehow just gonna, you know, fix everything, fix your partner, fix you, if you think you're the problem. But you know, even though those things can sound really good and sound really tempting, they usually miss the point entirely. So we're going to talk about that today. So first up, let's talk about what the goal is not right? So a lot of times people come to trying to sort out this problem with sort of a fantasy goal and some sort of version of this fantasy, which is like, if we could just fix the lower desire partner, then they'd want the exact same sex we used to have, or I or the sex I want as often as I want, and everything would be fine, Right? Right? Or we could just magically go back to the first, like six months of our relationship, when they wanted sex like all the time, and that is somehow going to be exactly what we try to force them to do now. Or the Lord is our partner sometimes is thinking if I could just make myself want sex the way I used to, or the way I think I should, then we'd be okay. And I want to just be really upfront about why this doesn't work. The problem is that you're trying to create something or recreate something that wasn't actually sustainable or working for both of you for the long run, or you're trying to force desire for sex that one person's body has decided it doesn't want. If your body is a no or a myth to the sex you've been having, that's information. It's your nervous system telling you something important. And we don't want to just try to force override that there's actually really important information there about how you can have your best sex life, but it's not forcing you to like stuff that you already don't really like that much. So I used to be stuck in this fantasy myself. Actually, I thought I just needed to want sex more. It didn't even occur to me that maybe I just wanted different sex than I was having. And honestly, it didn't occur to me that that was available like I knew other people had different kinds of sex, but I didn't think I could have different sex with the same person. One I just, like, sort of assumed, like, this is what I get with this partner, and it was really limiting, and it was really unfair to both of us, to be honest, and it kept me stuck for way too long. So the real goal is not to override your body's information. It's

5:19  
to listen to it and to figure

5:21  
out what would actually feel good for both people, so that both people are having the best possible intimacy that they can have. And you know, there's another fantasy that sometimes people come in with, which is kind of almost the opposite, which is like, if my partner could just stop wanting sex so much if they could just lower their libido, we'd be fine. And it's just sort of the flip side of the same thing, like somebody needs somebody's broken in some way, or somebody needs to be different, right? And that's also not fair, because everybody's desires are valid, right? And the goal isn't to shrink anyone's sexuality, it's to find a way forward where both people can be happy and satisfied in the relationship. So let's talk about the actual goals that really do make a lot of sense. So what are we working towards? And here's the thing, so this very specific goals will really be specific to you and your relationship, and because they depend on each of you, on your needs and your wants and your deal breakers. And you're allowed to have all of those things, needs, wants and deal breakers, right? But there are some common goals that show up for almost everyone, and so I'm going to walk you through those. And you may have a lot of these also as core goals for the relationship, whether you're working on it individually or with your partner in the beginning, you may have additional things kind of around it, or just nuances of these, but these are kind of the major ones. So number one is improve the quality of sex for the lower desire partner. And what this means this is often, I mean sometimes this is just it. This is like, takes care of everything, but it is a really important goal, so helping the lower desire partner discover what they really need in order to have sex feel like maximum pleasure for their current body, not their body of 20 years ago, not their body when you first got together six months, you know, less than six months into the relationship, and You were both totally high on those, like, new relationship chemicals, but like, what really feels good to them now, and what is the sort of maximum pleasure for them? Because I often see almost all the time. I mean, really, really frequently, the lower desire partner has not been having sex that feels great to them, which is one of the reasons why they're not that into it. Maybe it's tolerable. Maybe there's nothing wrong with that sex. It doesn't mean that the high their partner is like, quote, unquote, performing badly. It just means that it's not exactly what their body needs and what their sort of psychological arousal process needs. It's not their jam. It's not amazing for them. And when sex isn't amazing for you, why would your body want more of it? Right? It's nobody's broken. It's the body responding in exactly the right way to something that's not quite right. So what we do to accomplish this goal, it usually means learning some new things, trying some different approaches, being willing to do things differently. And that can be hard for the higher desire partner, if they like the exact sex that they're having, they might have to be challenged to learn some new things and be willing to step outside their existing sort of, this is the way I do it, right? And that's that can be scary, but that's okay. That's why you need help. And it can also be really amazing and super fun for you. And stepping out, even if you love the sex you're having, stepping out of your comfort zone and learning what your partner really loves usually is going to open up some new stuff that you really love, too. And so it's just a huge gift all around when the lower desire currently lower desire partner is having sex that feels incredible to them. What I see oftentimes is the script sort of flips, and all of a sudden they want way more sex than their partner has ever been prepared for. And their desire often, even if it doesn't go above their other partners, which it sometimes does, their desire usually then increases naturally because they're just really enjoying what they're doing. And so that's. A really big shift that's often just super pleasurable for both people, as long as the higher desire partner is willing to get on board. And I've had a couple, mostly, well, one or two where the higher desire partner just like, didn't want to do that, didn't want to have that kind of sex, didn't want to put the effort in to be frank, and we found out what really turned on the low desire partner. They were really turned on by it. They loved it. And then their higher desire partner, who had been higher desire before, just didn't really want to do it. And so that was we got into a sticky point, right for that, but at least the bare minimum, the lower desire partner walked away knowing exactly what they wanted. In fact, everybody knew exactly what to do in order to have more sex in that relationship. And so that was really empowering for both people. And then they had to just sort of figure out, like, well, how often are we going to do it that way? And it really is, like, it can be subtle. It can it's not necessarily something that you're just going to be like, Well, I'm just going to try this new lingerie, and that's going to magically be exactly what I want it, you know? So for one example, you know, sometimes it's an energy shift, and not very many people know how to spot that or how to do it, so that's why it helps to work with a professional who does specialize in that kind of thing. So I had one client who just really needed a totally different energy from her partner in order to feel turned on. And it turned out what she needed was a very grounded presence, and he was kind of bringing more of an excited teenager energy that just was not doing it for her. And once we figured that out, which didn't really take very long to figure that out, when I was working with her, then I could help him learn how to bring that and they were totally sorted out in like 12 weeks. It was really easy on my end, and it was super fun to watch and super fun to help them with. He just hadn't known about this, and he hadn't known what to do, and she hadn't known that this is what she needed. She didn't have words for this. She just knew something was off, but she couldn't explain what she needed, which makes total sense, because the world doesn't teach us or show us like movies don't show us the difference between different kinds of sexual energy, right? And so there was no narrative that she could grab onto about like, this is what I need. And it felt amorphous and strange. But once we actually did it, and we showed him how to do it. It was night and day. It was super clear. He totally understood exactly what he needed to do and how to get there. And actually, it felt great to him. He loved bringing that energy, and he loved how turned on she got by it. So that was super fun. This is what I mean about quality, increasing the quality, it's not about doing more of what's not working. It's about discovering new things that totally shift, things that make everything feel better.

13:15  
All right. Goal number two, so help both partners feel truly seen, understood and emotionally connected. Is really important, whether you're working with me or whether you're trying to do this on your own or whatever. Please don't skip any of these like really sit with these goals and see which ones you have for yourself and your partnership. Right. Number one is make sure everyone, including the lower desire partner especially, is having amazing, the most amazing amount of pleasure possible for them in their in their body. Number two, right? Don't skip this helping both partners feel truly seen, understood and emotionally connected, because that's great, regardless of what else is going on in your life or relationship. So what I mean by this one so much of desire discrepancy is actually about emotional disconnection showing up as sexual disconnection when both people feel truly seen and understood. When you can talk about what's really happening for you without defensiveness, without blame, when you feel supported and nurtured by your connection, everything softens. And a lot of times this is a prerequisite. Emotional connection is often a prerequisite for sexual desire for many people, not for everybody, but for a lot of people. And for a lot of situations that I see, the lower desire or partner is not feeling fully connected. They're not feeling that sort of emotional safeness, and this really helps them feel more turned on it all. So matters for the higher desire partner, because they need to feel emotionally safe too. And this goal is really about building the kind of attunement, mutual attunement, attunement to self and the other person, and communication where both people feel like they can really be honest and vulnerable and real with each other, and that foundation just smooths the way for intimacy in a way that absolutely nothing else can do. So, you know, I worked with a couple where one partner was super into sex once they stopped being so emotionally disconnected. She actually really wanted to be sexual with her partner, but she was totally shut down and really distant and locked away because they had just not been emotionally connected for a while, and her wife was really wanting sex, regardless of how they were behaving towards each other, and that was not working for her. So when we worked on the emotional connection, and when we did a lot of like, repair and increasing safety and, like, a lot of nonverbal connection, a lot of work on how they talk to each other, how they showed care outside the bedroom, her desire came roaring back, and that's the foundation for intimacy in general. Whether that's the case for you or not, that you need emotional connection, it's still emotional intimacy is the foundation for really great sexual intimacy. In the long term, you don't need it for like a one night stand, you don't? I mean, it kind of helps sometimes to have a little emotional connection, but you don't have to, depending on who you are, some of us actually do have to. And so solving this is really great for helping work on a desire gap, but it's really a goal in and of itself. All right. Number three, solve the issues that are turning on the brakes. This is a really important goal, the goal of solving the issues that are turning on the brakes. And what do I mean by that? So this is a term I often borrow the term gas pedals and brakes from Emily nagoski, because I just love it so much, and it's so useful, and people get what it means right away. So she talked in her book, come as you are, about gas pedals and breaks of desire. And most people, a lot of people, focus on just the gas pedals on, trying to, like, turn their partner on more. But actually a lot of times the brakes are when the you know, the brakes are all engaged. No matter how much gas you put on, you could have the pedal to the floor that car is not going anywhere. And this is often really important, and something that people don't want to deal with. And a lot of times I see this is really like a place where you need a lot of support, because people get shamey about it. A lot of times, shame is a big part of breaks so and if you've been contributing at all to your partner's breaks being on, then you can feel ashamed about that, and it can shut you down, and that's not good either. It's okay. We don't always know what somebody else's breaks are, and they're often different than ours, and so we can't really imagine them. So we need to work to identify what's activating your breaks, your partner's breaks, what makes sex feel unsafe or unwanted or like a chore, right? And there are so many common breaks, I cannot list them all in a podcast. It would take me so long, and I would still miss a ton of them, because I haven't met every human on the planet, and everybody's got different breaks, but there's a lot of really common ones, so some are feeling bad about your body generally, or shame around your genitalia, performance anxiety, shame around erectile dysfunction or premature ejaculation, orgasm challenges and shame around orgasm, or focus on orgasm so much that it's actually hitting the brakes, or like your partner not really caring about your orgasm, which also often hits the brakes. Shame around your desires or kinks, general shame around sexuality, which you may have inherited from religion, family, etc. Being stressed. Being stressed at work is a really common one. Fear of your kids hearing you, or your grandma who lives with you, hearing you, feeling like the only adult in the relationship. This is really common. So feeling like you're the only one taking care of the house or kids, that is a really common and big. Break. And the reason that some people have some wonderful sexual fantasies about their partner, like cleaning the house and that, just like turns them on so much, it's because they feel like they're the one who has to be responsible for everything, and that's not sexy. Being overtired is a really common break, and that can get pushed when your partner wants to have sex. For example, if they're like a night owl and they want to have sex really late at night and you're really tired, that's often pushing that break insensitive initiation styles. This is really common. So jokes like or just asking for sex out of nowhere with like not having flirted or done any foreplay with your partner and just being like, want to bang or something like that, can work for some people in some situations. But if you you're just like, initiating out of nowhere with no foreplay and no flirty it often lands really badly, and that can really hit a break past bad sexual experiences or trauma, emotional disconnection with your partner, like we just talked about your partner not being sober or not taking care of themselves, right, or not listening to you. Even the list is enormous, and it is different for everyone. So it's really important to think about, what are the breaks? And one of the goals that we have in solving desire gap issues are really figuring out how to solve the issues that are turning on the brakes. So I had a client, just for an example. You know, we'll call him Sam. I always change my clients names, and we've discovered that his breaks, they were just running the show. And there were two things. First, there was massive shame about his penis, which was an absolutely average size penis. His partner thought it was absolutely fine and totally normal. She did not mind it. She liked it, but he thought it was way too small.

22:04  
So his partner reported to me that his penis was absolutely average, totally normal, and she didn't have a problem with it at all, but he was convinced that it was inferior, and it was shutting him down. Second, so that was a big break, right? Second, he was overworking, so much that he was seeing sex as another thing on his to do list. And it was like a to do item for someone else. And the overwork was also preventing him from, like, getting back into his body after a long week. So he just, like, was crashing out, wanting to sleep. And a lot of it was just like massive overwork. So they had tried all kinds of stuff. They had tried a lot of quick fixes, and none of them had worked. And she was feeling really rejected, really alone. But the thing is, these were absolutely solvable issues. His breaks were solvable, but they weren't something that the testosterone that they tried, or toys or Tantra classes, or any of the other quick fixes out there were going to solve. We had to one. We had to remove shame, right? And that took some work. We had to we also had to reframe sex as like no obligation, relaxing fun for him, not another performance or task, and we were absolutely able to solve these issues, but it did take some practice, and actually having someone there to support him rewiring his brain around these things, right? It was not at all impossible, but it wasn't going to come out of your cookie cutter, like magic bullet type of quick fix, right? We have to identify and address the individual breaks so that desire has room to show up. You can't just, like, ignore them and hope for the best. So that's the third goal, I think, is really common to almost every situation, is addressing the brakes, all right, number four is getting a lot better at emotional regulation and alternative connection, and so what do I mean by this? So this goal has two parts, right? It's first, it's to help the higher desire partner learn to manage feelings of disappointment so they're not so overwhelming and also often the lower desire partner too might be disappointed in the relationship. In other ways, we want to help everyone learn how to manage what is normal, healthy disappointment, because it happens in every single adult life. You will have disappointment, right? But when disappointment feels catastrophic, or it feels like massive rejection of who you are as a person, as opposed to just like I just don't happen to want to have sex right now, when it feels catastrophic, it creates pressure on the other person to, like, fix that or solve. Of that for you, and that activates, tends to activate the lower desire partners breaks even more so learning to manage feelings of disappointment so they don't feel so catastrophic, and so you don't feel rejected is really wonderful. It's also so empowering, and your life will feel so much better when you don't feel like the experience of disappointment feels like a catastrophe, right? And the second part here is alternative connection, helping both people know and be able to do other ways of connecting when someone doesn't feel like a particular type of sex. Maybe someone just doesn't feel like penetrative sex, or maybe someone doesn't feel like oral sex, or maybe someone just wants clothes on make out session. Or maybe there needs to be an alternative way to emotionally connect when someone's not feeling sexual at all, but having some other options, so that it's not like sex or nothing, so that no one feels rejected or abandoned, and that both people feel cared for even when sex isn't happening. So this one, this goal having increasing emotional regulation and alternative connection for both people, it's really about building resilience and flexibility in how you connect, so that sex isn't the only way that you have to feel close, and when you have a lot of different options, pathways to connection, when both people can handle disappointment without catastrophizing, everything just relaxes, and everything feels so much easier for both of you, and you can stay connected, and it keeps that pilot light lit too, so that when you when someone is more available for sex, it's like they're ready, they're want they want it, as opposed to when you get into a situation where disappointment spirals or rejections spirals into disconnection between people, or you don't feel like there's any other way to connect besides sex, then it typically will make it a lot harder to get back on the sexual intimacy horse, so to speak. Okay, the last one I want to say is the last goal. Like, what are the actual goals here? The last goal is to help both people decide really clearly about the relationship, about what they want to do and how they want to be in the relationship, or if they want to be in the relationship. And sometimes this surprises people, that this is a goal, but I think it's really important to have it be clear and on purpose, because look like it's important to make the choice of staying with someone cleanly and with a whole heart, and so you actually like your decision, and you know what you're signing up for. And if you don't want to make that decision if you want to make a different decision, which is to leave to be able to do that with a clean outlook, right? Like feeling good about it, and feeling like this is close closing a chapter. But it's not like you have to burn the whole thing down, and sometimes after doing a bunch of work, a couple realizes that they're just not compatible, and it's better to decide that on purpose together than to sort of go through this like miserable, slow death, where everything gets, like, more and more entwined and more and more hard to pull separate, and It just becomes more and more miserable for everyone. So smoothing the way right by deciding on purpose, like I want to be in this relationship, I know exactly what I'm signing up for. This is how we're going to do things together moving forward. This is how we're going to talk about things. This is how we're going to work things out.

29:00  
Or, you know, allowing it to have to be done and to be closed, that's okay too. That's not failure, but staying in like this, like resentful ambivalence thing, that's like the worst option. So this is a about helping people make a choice to either be in or get out, but not stay stuck with like, one foot out the door. And I think that's a really important goal of this work also, and often gives, like, some really beautiful clarity for both people. Like, when you do decide to stay in and you're not having one foot out the door, you're like, No, we're here. We're doing this right, and I get to stop worrying about maybe I should leave. So what often happens when people don't have these goals clarified, or their particular goals clarified? If they're not these ones, which is totally fine, is that people really fall into this sort of magic bullet trap. And this is. Reason I'm spending a whole episode on this because if you don't know what you're actually aiming for, it's really easy to fall for these sort of like quick fixes that people are trying to sell out there that sound really good, but actually miss the point. And that can get really demoralizing after a while, and it can really hurt people and hurt the whole situation, make it worse. So you know, seductive shortcuts, right? Like I'm going to take a class on polarity or BDSM, or I'm going to buy a toy, or go to a Tantra workshop, or get creams or pills or hormones or something like that. And that's not to say these things can't help. Some of these things could help absolutely under the right circumstances, if that particular thing turns out to be your jam or your kink or your thing, right? Amazing. Go for it. I do not have anything against any of these particular things, but they're not necessarily going to do what you think they're going to do, right? Unless they happen to be just the right fit for you or your partner. If it's not exactly the right fit, the sort of like magic ingredient that was missing most of the time, it's not the magic ingredient that was missing. There's a lot more nuance involved, right? It's not necessarily solving the brakes, right. It's not necessarily the exact thing that that's going to turn that person on. And if you haven't solved the brakes, even if you do hit that right gas pedal, it's not working cars not moving forward, right? So if it's not the right exactly right thing. It's not going to solve underlying relationship and connection problems. It's not going to magically fix the sex that you're having to be exactly the maximum pleasure for the person, because they tend to be kind of cookie cutter and, like, one size fits all kind of approaches. So remember, like, Sam, right? Testosterone wasn't going to fix his shame about his body or his overwhelm from work. Those were the actual issues we needed to solve. And you know, my other client who really needed a different energy from her partner, they weren't she actually, they had been to a Tantra class, and she enjoyed it, but she didn't get turned on because they didn't really teach him this specific thing, right? So it's just really important to find the right thing for you and your partner. You can't really, like no one can sort of hack their way into desire for sex that doesn't actually feel good to them by just sort of, like sprinkling on some, you know, BDSM, or toys or whatever. Every now and then the right toy is really the right thing, and every now and then just the right type of BDSM is really the right thing. So it's not that they're not valuable, but it's just that they're not the whole picture. And there's, unfortunately, no magic bullet or shortcut to actually doing the work to figure out the picture for you and your partner and your relationship, doing the actual work to understand what both of you need, building the real connection, addressing the breaks, discovering what sex could be like when it's actually maximal pleasure for both of you that actually takes some time and vulnerability and some willingness to try different stuff. So the good news, though, right is that when you actually do all that, it's so much better than having had a quick fix. It's so much better. You get to grow into the best possible sex life for both of you. You get to have the best communication of your lives. You get to have something radically different than you've ever had before in terms of a relationship that feels sexy and comfortable and comforting and close, right? And you get to feel good better about yourself than you've ever felt before. You get to know more about yourself than you've ever known before. But we don't get that from just like going and buying sort of like the latest toy, right? And doesn't mean the latest toy isn't part of it, but we want to really understand ourselves so we know what we need, and it is so worth the effort to do all that stuff. It is absolutely wonderful, and it's so much better than a magic bullet. And so I want to just share some words from one of my clients, because I think she describes exactly what I'm talking about really well, and so this is my client, Randy, who gave me permission to use her name, so I'm going to use her actual name. And she said, when I started with Laura, I did not have a sex drive, and I was feeling less like a woman with every day that passed. The lack of sex drive also caused multiple issues in my marriage. Laura. She said every session with Laura was a deep dive into how I can start to love myself and my body. She helped me feel valid in how I felt and I had a lot of trauma stored in my body that needed to leave to help me have healthy relationship with sex in my body. Each exercise we did worked, no matter how small, and with each week that passed, my relationship with myself started to get better. It was also helping my marriage, as I was able to have better communication with my husband, which helped him understand when and why I either wanted to have sex or didn't. And after just three months, my sex drive was increasing, and communication between my husband and I was much better. My husband also started seeing Laura for himself, and that has made things even better. Our marriage is better because we found Laura, and we are forever thankful. So I just want you to notice what Randy talks about. She doesn't say Laura fixed my libido. She says, I learned to love myself and my body. I released stored trauma, my communication got better, my husband learned to understand me, and we both grew. That is the work, right? That is what creates lasting change. It's not some sort of switch that anybody can flip to magically match your libidos together. But they did wind up having a way better sex life, and they did wind up being so much more connected, and she felt so much better about herself. So here's what I just want you to take away. The goal isn't fixing your partner or magically aligning your libido so they match exactly. So everybody wants to have sex at 3pm on Tuesday and 4pm on Thursday, and I want to have a quickie on Saturday at 715 right? That's not the goal. The goal is better quality sex for both of you. Real emotional connection, removing those breaks that are just like feeling so crappy, learning to feel okay with disappointment and not feel rejected, having other ways to connect that feel really great, that help you both keep that pilot light lit, and help you both feel ready for physical intimacy when it's available, and making really clean decisions about your relationship. And so this is all absolutely possible, but it is does require some actual effort, and not just like, we can't really be stay in the fantasy of just like, wanting to fix our partner right? Instead, what we need to do is, like, really learn how to build something new together. So if you are ready for that kind of thing, you know, I'm here, please feel free to reach out. You can always book a free consultation with me, or you can keep listening to this podcast. I have a ton of episodes that will help you understand your sexuality, what you need and how to get there, but please, just like my request is, just don't stay stuck, kind of hoping for some sort of magic bullet, because there, unfortunately, there isn't one. If there was, I would give it to you. So what?

38:15  
But I'm not, I'm not here to sell you something that doesn't exist, right? I want. I think the reality is actually so much better. I actually think the future is so much better than just something that kind of makes the status quo more tolerable. That doesn't sound that great. So we want to have a radically different future that is just like beautiful, authentic connection that feels great to both of you and that involves both of you really like understanding your sexual selves and aligning them creatively in playful ways that feel fun and connected and supportive. All right, my dears, I hope that's been helpful, and I'll see you here next week. Hey. So before you go, I have some more free help for you. If you are okay with sharing your email, I will send you my free guide, five steps to start solving desire differences without blame or shame. This is a practical starting point for individuals and couples. You can opt out of my emails at any time, but I think you'll want to stick around. I am not a spammer. Go get it at www.Laurajurgens.com/libido -- Make sure to spell my last name right and the link is in the show notes.