Why do I want sex so much (or so little)? Understanding your desires

If you're dealing with a desire discrepancy, you probably think you know what you want: more sex, or less sex. But what I've learned is this: there's always more under the surface. And that information is gold for figuring out the way forward together.

If you're the higher-desire partner, what are you actually seeking when you want sex? Is it validation? Connection? Reassurance that the relationship is okay? If you're the lower-desire partner, what are you really trying to avoid when you don't want sex? Certain sensations? Emotions? Pressure? Memories?

When you dig deeper and get honest answers to these questions, everything shifts. You can communicate what you actually need, you stop putting invisible pressure on your partner, and you find other ways to meet your real needs.

This episode walks both partners through the questions you need to ask yourselves—with curiosity, not judgment. Plus: how to stop asking yourself crappy questions that make you feel worse, and start asking empowering ones instead.

Your brain will answer whatever you ask it. Let's ask better questions.

Check out Emily Nagoski's latest book here: Come Together: The Science (and Art!) of Creating Lasting Sexual Connections

Special Course Announcement: limited time, last enrollment:
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A Groundbreaking 6-Week Live Online Workshop
with Dr. Aline LaPierre & Dr. Laura Jurgens starts February 1, 2026

https://neuroaffectivetouch.com/thriving-together

Get my free guide: 5 Steps to Start Solving Desire Differences
(Without Blame or Shame), A Practical Starting Point for Individuals and Couples, at https://laurajurgens.com/libido

Find out more about me at https://laurajurgens.com/

Read The Desire Gap Blog at https://laurajurgens.com/the-desire-gap-blog/

Transcript

0:01  
Laura, welcome to the desire gap podcast. I'm your host, Dr Laura Jurgens, and whether you want more sex than your partner or less, you are not wrong, and your relationship isn't doomed. You just need better tools to solve the struggles of mismatched libidos. That's what we do here, so

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welcome and let's dive in. Hey everybody. Welcome to

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why do I want sex so much or so little understanding your desire, aka, what do you really want when you want sex or when you don't? So as we head into January 2026 Welcome everyone. I'm so glad you're here, and we're going to talk today about something that could completely change how you navigate your desired discrepancy, asking yourself better questions. And side note, we're actually also going to talk about how asking yourself better questions in general could just make you, overall, a much happier person in this year. And this is my New Year's gift to you, is how to ask yourself questions that actually do help you feel better rather than worse, which is what most of us do, and what I used to do is ask myself lots of questions. That made me feel horrible. So before we dive in today to this episode, two quick things. Last episode was our 100th yay, and I walked through the 10 biggest mistakes people make with desire gaps, and if you missed it, just want to invite you to go back and listen. I also just launched the desire gap blog at Laura jurgens.com backslash the desire gap blog, or you can just go to the homepage and click blog in the menu. So if you're someone who likes to read and revisit concepts instead of just listening. Check it out, especially if you're like me, and you really enjoy actually reading to digest but you like listening while you're in the car or something, but then you wish you had a pen, or could possibly write notes. Go the blog is for you, and it will give you the notes from the podcast in a format that's easy to read and understand, so you can kind of go back to them easily. All right, so today's episode, this is for everyone, whether you are even in a desire gap or not, and whether you are a if you are a person who is at all a sexual being an adult who is sexual, whether you are somebody who wants a lot of sex or someone who wants very little sex, it doesn't matter. This is for you. And if you are someone who wants a medium amount of sex, this is also for you, because here is what I've learned working with tons all my clients forever, is that and myself is that most of us don't actually know what we really want, what we're really trying to get, when we're trying to get what we want. And this will be, if that's confusing, I understand, and it will become clearer in a minute. But basically the idea is that we think we know why we want something, just because we want that thing, but we often haven't dug deep enough to really understand our own motivation in order to really make good decisions for ourselves, but also to communicate with our partners, to find alternative ways to get what we want when that one thing isn't available, right, or to support ourselves and really understanding who we are, how we're made up, how our needs Express and our desires express themselves in Our life. And how do we get more fulfilled, right? Well, we can't get more fulfilled if we don't really understand what fulfills us, and it's not just the act of sex. So today we are going to talk about this. If you don't know what you really want or what you're actually trying to avoid when you don't want sex, it's really hard to communicate that to your partner, right? And it's really hard to get your needs met. So today I'm going to walk you through the questions both partners need to be asking themselves, or anybody could be asking themselves, no judgment, just curiosity. And that is the theme for today that I want to invite you to consider that the questions we ask ourselves often have judgment embedded in them for us or for somebody else, and when we ask questions with judgment embedded in the question, we will always get answers that you. Either shame us or shame someone else, and that is actually really not helpful, and it's incredibly counterproductive and not necessary. So asking empowering questions requires swapping out judgment for a wonderful dose, a big dose of curiosity. And so that's what we're going to do today, and I'm glad you're here to join me. So in a nutshell, higher desire partners, we're going to start with you or anybody who just wants to understand and this is actually also for the lower desire partners, if you're in a desire gap situation, but it's also for anybody who just wants to understand their own sexuality so and actually, side note, I want to say the core questions I'm exploring today, a few of them are coming from the latest book out by the wonderful Emily nagoski. Come together the science and art of creating lasting sexual connections, and I highly recommend it. Her work is generally just wonderful. It's very D shaming, science based and helpful. And these questions, what do you really want when you do want sex, or what do you not want when you don't want sex? If you're working with a good coach or therapist, they are always going to help you dive into these questions or some iteration of them, because what you you specifically you, the unique individual that you are actually want and don't want, is fundamentally critical to understanding desire. And I mean beyond orgasm, what you are seeking has layers. It has emotional layers of what fulfills you and so to truly understand what you're seeking or what you're avoiding, that is at the root of everything, understanding our own sexuality. So these questions are just one formulation. I loved how Emily put them in the book. So I'm going to link her website in the show notes, and it's also in the blog, and we're going to dive in. We're going to talk about these questions. We're going to talk about some other questions today too. So what do we really want when we want sex? And the answer is different for everyone. It really is, and there's a lot of commonalities out there, but there's also a lot of differences, and they're all normal. And if you are a really high libido person, I really do. I want you to pause and really think about this and not try to just answer sex.

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I want you to push yourself further and don't even just answer an orgasm. If, here's the thing, if all you wanted was an orgasm, you would take care of that yourself and you can and if you're really just trying to masturbate with your partner's body, well then I can understand why your partner might not be super on board. So what is it that you're really seeking? And here's some ways to explore this question, Are you seeking to feel wanted or desired? Is it the validation that your partner finds you attractive? Is it the wanting itself? What you're craving, like the feeling of being pursued or needed or chosen, right? And understand which of those it is. It's really useful to understand what are the feelings you're craving. Do you want to feel pursued, or do you want to feel chosen? Those are slightly different. And understanding that for you actually will help you. If you go to my episode on psychological arousal and core desires, this is what we're talking about, right? What are the feelings you really want to have? For many people, the desire to be desired is actually stronger than the desire for the physical act of self, sex itself, and if that's the case, then there's so many more ways that we can help you get that experience of feeling desired, even if your partner doesn't actually want to have sex tonight. So it's really wonderful to get under the hood and understand the details of what you're what the feelings are that you're seeking in order to help you get them met more often and get fulfilled more often. And also not to just try to use sex to do everything for us, right? Because it's not always the thing that's available. All right. So another question to explore, are you trying to feel worthy or loved? A lot of people use sex to feel worthy or loved. Have you tied your sense of worthiness to whether your partner wants to have sex with you? It's really important to know that if that's the case, is sex the primary way that you. You tell yourself that you are loved, that you let yourself feel that you are loved, if your partner says yes to sex, does it mean you're valuable, and if they say no, does it mean you're not is it mean that you aren't good enough, or you haven't done good enough, right? This is really common, and it puts enormous pressure on both of you. It's really at the end of the day, your worth as a human being cannot hinge on whether your partner wants sex in any given moment for you to feel emotionally at peace and ease in your life, if your worth hinges on whether your partner wants sex. It is, it is a challenge in a relationship. It will always cause problems, so it's really important to know that. And it also isn't that fun for you. It's not fun for either of you, actually, because if your partner, your partner, can sense this, that your worthiness like hinges on them saying yes or no, it'll feel like a lot of pressure to them, and it generally will shut down libido for your partner, but it also doesn't feel good to you because you're waiting for somebody else to validate your worthiness. You have to have that in order to function. Most people need a solid sense of self worth in order to function in their lives really well, and so this is really important to know and uncover so that you can solve that wound and move forward allowing sex to be a fun thing you enjoy together for pleasure, not for your fundamental sense of Identity. Another question, are you wanting sex for emotional regulation. This is also really common and can cause a lot of problems, but it's worth knowing if this is the case. Some people, in fact, quite a few people, use sex to manage stress, anxiety or difficult emotions. This can be really important to understand and acknowledge if you think this is you. Is it something that helps you distract from worries or from feelings that you don't want to deal with? Do you tend to feel calmer, more grounded and more settled after sex than you do after any other activity? So there's nothing wrong with feeling calmer, more grounded or settled after sex at all, but it's useful to have other activities that you can also go to that help you feel calm, grounded and settled, right? If this is the only way you can feel calm, grounded and settled, then that can be a real problem. There's nothing inherently wrong with sex being soothing and connecting. That is good. That is actually humans are designed to have sex, feel connecting, and we get a bunch of yummy chemicals after we have orgasms, and even just from the closeness of skin on skin. But if it's our only tool, or our primary tool for managing difficult emotions, then we have a problem, right? Your partner will feel the weight of being responsible for your emotional well, being that pressure generally kills desire, kills libido, and can be one of the actual in fact, oftentimes the only reason that there is a desire gap, but it also just means that, like, you don't have the emote, the emotional skills, yet that you need in order to feel calm and regulated in your life without access to your partner's body. And so that is that's a problem, because your partner is not just gonna be like hanging around

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all the time available for you and so, and they shouldn't be that's not their sole purpose in life. They need to live their life, and they need to have autonomy, right? And so if you're using sex as your primary way to regulate emotions, that is something that generally you will want to address, and I recommend addressing it before it becomes a giant problem in your relationship. But usually people don't, and they come to me later, and that's okay too, but the earlier you can get on it, the better. Another reason is that people you know. Another why sort of like, what are you really wanting when you're wanting sex? Is, Are you seeking reassurance that your relationship is okay? When your partner says yes to sex, does it mean to you that everything is fine between you? And if they say no, does it then cause you to fear that there's something wrong with the relationship or that it's failing. So if you're using sex in this way as like a barometer for relationship health, then no's become like an existential threat to your relationship security, and that can create a lot of pressure on your partner to keep you from spiraling into fear that is. Not a good dynamic either, and can really contribute. Are you craving physical sensation and connection? So what do you, you know, and you can want many of these things at the same time. So it's not like a one or another. This isn't a sort of a, you know, you can. This is a multiple choice, where you can, you could select all of the above, or A, B, D and F, right? So one of the things that you might be seeking when you're seeking sex is physical sensation and connection, or connection and or right? Do you may be craving the feeling of your partner's skin on yours, the physical closeness, the touch, the intimacy of your bodies together, maybe about sharing pleasure for you, experiencing sensation, feeling connected to your body and through your body to your partner. And that is a very common again, all these are actually really common, the ones that aren't helpful, and all the ones that are don't have any negatives to them. So this may be a primary thing that you're looking for in sex, and generally, if you're craving physical sensation and connection, it's not necessarily going to cause any relationship problems is just sort of, if this is the only way that you connect with your own body, if it's the only time you're not up in your head, or if it's sort of like goes back to that, are we using it for emotional regulation? Then that's when it becomes a problem. But if you're just enjoying the pleasure of physical sensation and connection with your partner. That is not something that's going to cause relationship problems per se, or desire gaps, another reason that you could have another sort of underlying desire right is to express love and to receive it is this one of the ways that you show love and that you feel loved. Now it's important to distinguish sex and touch. So if sex is the only way that you can express or receive love, that can actually be challenging in relationships and really problematic unless you happen to be paired with one of the other people who sex is the only way they express and receive love, and that's actually not super common, especially in heterosexual partnerships, for both parties to be on board with that. But sex may be an aspect of touch, and that touch in general is how you express and receive love. And if you're open to also expressing and receiving love through other types of touch, that's not necessarily going to create as much pressure for your partner, because you can do other things, right? It doesn't always have to be sex, per se, and so understanding that at a real fundamental level, and where you're at on that spectrum is really helpful for understanding whether it is contributing to any sort of pressure on your partner or any sort of disconnect in your relationship. But understanding all these things, these really, these questions, what do you really want when you want sex beyond orgasm, right? Because you can do that for yourself. It matters, because one you can find other ways to meet that need when sex isn't available, right? If you need reassurance, you can learn to ask for it directly. Hey, I'm feeling disconnected. Could we talk? Or could we cuddle? Or could we gaze into each other's eyes for a while? Or could we have a date night? If you need physical touch, you can ask for non sexual affection. If sex isn't available, right? If you need to feel desired, you can explore what makes you feel that way. There's going to be certain things that work for certain people and other things don't work for other people. Don't assume that what works for you is the same thing that works for your partner, because it's almost never the case that that's true. So what makes you feel desire might be compliments, and maybe what makes them feel desire is a sense of like energy, right eye contact, initiating conversation or doing acts of service for them, right might make them feel desired. So number one reason here right to understand what you really want under the surface. Besides sex, what is it that you want through sex is to help you find other ways to meet your needs when sex isn't available. The other reason is to understand the pressure you might be putting on your partner, and this is really equally just as important, because if you're using. Sex to manage your anxiety. Your partner feels that if you can't feel worthy or loved any other way, your partner feels that, and it's a lot of responsibility to put it, put that on someone else's libido. They may not be able to put their finger on why they feel that way, or that they even feel that way, but they're going to feel a sense of obligation and pressure that to them might feel inexplicable, but it's literally because they are subconsciously reading what's going on with you, and that happens when you are in close relationships. So many times, we don't even consciously understand what it is like that's going on with somebody, but we know something's wrong, and most people, many people, don't actually want to have sex with someone who needs it for their emotional regulation or validation. It doesn't feel like mutual pleasure, it doesn't feel like connection. It feels like too much pressure and like their body has to be a tool for somebody else's well being somebody who's not taking their own responsibility of taking care of themselves emotionally, right? And so none of these needs are wrong. They're very human. But if sex is the only way you're meeting those needs, then that becomes a problem for both you and your partner. Okay, so your action invitation here is to sit with that question, what do I really want when I want sex and I want to invite you to get out a piece of paper or open a Notes App if you're not driving, write down everything that comes up. Be really honest. Please don't judge yourself. Just get curious. This is just information. This is useful information for you, and you might discover, you know, I want to feel like my partner finds me attractive, or I want reassurance that we're okay. Or what I really want is I want to feel calm and grounded, or I want to connect and feel close, or I want to feel desired and pursued, right? I want to feel like I'm a desirable person. All of these are valid. The goal is just to know what's really driving your desire so that you can work with it consciously, instead of having it unconsciously, like putting pressure on your partner running the show and and you kind of not be feeling really out of control with this. And that can happen for a lot of people that are having some of these emotional needs met only through sex. Is it can often feel sort of like uncontrolled desire and like, you have to have sex, and you sex is one of those desires that's like, it's nice to have, and it is built into a lot of humans that we really do enjoy it for pleasure, but it is not a fundamental need for survival. So if it feels like it's a fundamental need for survival. Chances are, there's another need, or multiple needs, emotional needs underneath that. Okay, so if you're the lower desire partner, or a person who who doesn't experience a ton of sexual desire at this stage of your life, at this phase that you're in, right? Then we have some we want to ask what you want when you do want sex, also, right? When you do enjoy sex, and when you want sex, what is it that you're looking for, and are you getting it? Are you there's a good chance that you might not be, you might not be getting the thing that you're really wanting through your sexual connection. So it's really essential to ask those questions as well. What is it that you want? Do you feel like you're actually getting it? But we also want to ask a very special question for you too, which is, what do you not want when you are not wanting sex? So to put that another way, is, what are you trying to avoid when you are trying to avoid sex, or when you don't want sex? What is it that you are trying not to experience? And this is really important, because a lot of people who have lower sexual desire, or like lower libido at this wherever they're at in their life, are asking themselves a very shitty question that is making them feel awful, and it is, why don't I want sex? And they often followed up with what is wrong with me, both of those are horrible questions. But when you ask your brain those questions, it will try to give you an answer. That's because that's how brains work. If you ask it a question, it will literally try to give you the answer, even if the answer makes you feel like ass. Yes. Okay, so the question should not be, why don't I want sex? That's the wrong question. The better question is, what is it about sex, or the context around sex that I'm having, that I don't want? Do you see the difference? The first one so is like, an there's an a judgment embedded in it, like, why don't I want sex? Like, I should want sex. And that's usually the way people ask it to themselves, is with the little should flavor in there.

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And that's why it's so bad, because it will just your brain will start going into like, well, here's all the reasons that I don't I'm like, wrong, right, or I'm broken, or I'm bad, or what's wrong with me, kind of stuff. None of that is true most of the time, almost all the time, there's actually nothing medically or psychologically wrong with you. Sometimes you have medical condition and that can be solved. No problem. It's usually even that is usually part of a much larger context and whole in which there's but there's nothing wrong with you or who you are, but there's something going on with the sex that you're having that you don't want, and that information, when we ask it that way? Do you see it's like there's something going on with the sex that you're having? What is it about the sex you're having that you don't want? There's nothing wrong with you in that question, right? We're just getting curious about what's happening that you don't want, and that makes sense that you don't want, because chances are it makes a lot of sense you don't want it. So the questions here for you to explore that can help you answer this sort of meta question, what is it about the sex you're having or the context around it that you don't want? Am I avoiding specific physical sensations? So things like penetration might hurt certain kinds of touch but don't like it speed. Is it too fast? Is there certain types of pressure on your body that don't feel good? Is there something that's uncomfortable, or is it that you start getting overwhelmed or bored, right? Have you actually tuned in to what your body is experiencing, or are you just checked out? Many people have been having sex while dissociated for so long that they don't even know what they're actually feeling. And I used to think that was just me, but nope, it's a lot of people. It's a ton of people, lots and lots of people are having sex while dissociated, especially women having sex while dissociated, so you may not really know what is going on for your body, and so we need to actually ask what's actually happening. Another question to ask yourself, you know, maybe there's memories. Are memories intruding? Do past experiences come up during sex? Are there are associations that feel unsafe or uncomfortable. One of the reasons that people can often have an aversion to sex is because associations, because they have associations of judgment with themselves, or they have some sort of anxiety or trauma response. So even if you don't have clear traumatic memories. Your body might be responding to things that your conscious mind doesn't remember, so pay attention to what comes up. Or there may be thoughts intruding or judgments intruding that you've had for a long time about yourself that you may not have acknowledged. It may be that there's certain body parts that you don't like. There may be that you feel inadequate in some way. It's really important, and this kind of crosses over into the next question. Are you dealing with judgments about yourself? Are you thinking I should be into this, or am I Are you worried about how your body looks or smells or sounds? Are you worried about performing instead of actually feeling, are you worried about your partner's judgments of you, which is usually means that you're judging you? I would tell you, nine times out of 10, it's the person themselves who are judging themselves harshly, not their partner, but they project it onto their partner. So if you're worried about your partner not liking your penis. For example, it's probably you not liking and accepting your penis, not your partner. If you're worried about not having a constant erection, as if you were 14 years old and you're supposed to be erect when the wind blows and maintain an erection like magically forever, that's probably pressure coming from a judgment inside you, because the vast majority of partners are not going to expect you to constantly have a teenage erection. Are you watching yourself from like outside your body, critiquing your performance? Are you thinking you should do things differently? Or look sexier or look like a porn star. Okay, these are judgments about yourself. Or are you judging? Are you dealing with judgments about your partner? And a lot of times, these are less about sort of physical things that people make up in their head, that tend to be about their own judgments about themselves, and they're more about things like resentments and obligation pressure, senses that somebody else wants something from you, or that somebody is not caring for you in the way that you want to be cared for outside of the bedroom or inside of the bedroom. Are you angry or hurt about something unrelated to sex that makes being vulnerable and intimate feel really impossible. That makes sense. It totally makes sense, right? Like, for example, I've seen a lot of people have, like, zero libido, because at the end, like, they feel responsible for everything in their household, they feel responsible for taking care of the kids. They feel responsible for knowing what groceries need to be picked up. They feel responsible for, like, making sure the counters are clean and that like, everybody is fed and alive, right? And they are fucking pissed about it. Of course, they don't want to have sex with this person. That's like, not doing anything in their minds, right? And that's not saying that's necessarily absolutely the truth, but that's what's happening in our in when we have a whole pile up of resentments, of course. So it's really important, if you are we can often avoid sex because we avoid, we want to avoid having the resentments actually like, stare us in the face. We want to avoid feeling how angry we are at somebody. So instead of actually acknowledging that we're angry at them and working it out, we're actually just, like going through life pretending it's all okay, but then we just don't ever want to have sex with them. And so it's really important to get underneath the hood here and look and say, What am I trying to avoid? So there may be also emotions that have arisen that you're trying to avoid. If you've had experiences in the past when you were being sexual, where you felt like you were failing or disappointing someone, you can have dread or guilt or anxiety, right? Is there some sort of lack of context that you need or safety that you need? Does the timing feel wrong to you? Does the way that does your stress level feel just absolutely unmanageable? Is the environment wrong? Do you need more emotional connection first? You need more foreplay. Does your nervous system just not in a place where pleasure is possible because you're so activated and so stressed out, right? Maybe you need to feel seen and heard in conversation before you can actually be with someone physically. Maybe you need to not be exhausted. Maybe you need the house to be clean. Maybe you need a sound machine so that the kids can't hear you, you know. Or you need your to do list to be smaller, or you need just burn it, which is, maybe what you need

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is, so is it about sort of do you? Do you have sensory needs that you're not getting met? You know? Do you? Is there just stuff that is just bothering you, right? Is there an obligation or expectation where sex feels like a chore, a duty, something you should do? Has sex become associated with pressure instead of pleasure? And if you've been having obligation sex, your body has definitely learned that sex equals disconnection and pressure and discomfort. So that might be really important to acknowledge right that that is you're trying to avoid a sense of obligation and pressure. And so when you know what you're actually avoiding you can do a few things. You can communicate it to your partner and say things like, Hey, I'm not actually avoiding sex with you. I'm avoiding this specific thing, and that is so much clearer and less hurtful than like, I just don't want you right? Which is what your partner interprets if you don't communicate anything. So if you just avoid them, then they're going to imagine, I just don't want you. I don't want to connect with you. I don't want sex with you. But if your partner can understand that there's a specific thing that you're avoiding, it can help them, especially if they're willing to be open to your experience, it can also help you start addressing the actual problem. So once you know, for example, if it's physical discomfort, you can work on that. You can try some different positions. There's some tools out on the market that can be helpful, more foreplay, lube, pelvic floor therapy, all kinds of stuff, right? If it's. Emotional safety that you need, you can start learning how to build that through rebuilding trust, learning new ways of communicating, and if it's context, you can change those things right, different timing, different setting, different approach, okay, and this is really important, because it lets you reclaim your own sexuality, your own desire, your own sense of aliveness in your body and your power that way, because when you actually address what you're avoiding, then space will open up for what you really, truly do want. Your authentic desire doesn't have room to emerge when there's all this pressures on it, but you might discover that you actually do want some sexual connection, just not the kind you've been having. And that's okay. So remember to also know for low desire partners, what it is that you do love when you do want sex. What are you wanting? Connection, pleasure, playfulness, feeling certain types of emotions. Which emotions right? Do you want to feel powerful? Do you want to feel desired? Do you want to feel naughty? Do you want to feel you know, like risky? Do you want to feel Beloved? Do you want to feel worshiped? What is that for you? Do you want to feel alive in your body, right? Knowing what lights you up is so personally empowering, right? But you can't get there. None of us can get there when we have all of these things that we're trying to avoid. So what I want to invite you your action invitation for lower desire partners is to really sit with this question. What am I trying to avoid when I don't want sex? What about sex? The sex that I'm having? Do I not want? And get really specific. Write it down. Be real honest with yourself. And again, no shame, no judgment, just curiosity, and you might discover things like, I'm avoid, avoiding a pressure I feel to perform, or I'm avoiding feeling like I'm letting my partner down by not performing right. I'm avoiding the physical sensations that hurt or feel uncomfortable. I'm a feeling, avoiding feeling like my body is a tool for someone else's needs. I'm avoiding the guilt and inadequacy I feel when I can't get aroused in the way in or the time frame I expect I should, or the way that somebody does in porn. I'm avoiding touch because every touch has become a sense of obligation for sex and expectation, and so all of those things, those examples and those may not be yours, but those are just some examples. They point to real, addressable problems. Is addressable a word I don't know I'm making it a word here today, planting my flag. Once you know what you're avoiding, you can start addressing it. So in general, this is all about asking yourself better questions. And you know, we I mentioned before that your brain, it will always seek to answer whatever questions you ask it. And so I want to just invite us all as we move into 2026, and I want to continue doing this. I started doing this a few years ago, probably five years probably five years ago, and it really changed things for me. Like, dramatically, seriously, dramatically changed things for me. So I want to invite you to do it, and I want to double down on doing it this year so you can join me. But it's actually just stop ask, like, catch yourself when you're asking a crappy question and turn it into an empowering question, a way better, more curious, less judgmental question. So if you ask yourself, you know, why am I so stupid? Your brain will give you five reasons that you're stupid.

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It's not, it's like, no matter like, if I ask myself that I'm gonna be like, Oh,

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okay, here's all the reasons I'm stupid, right? You're if you ask yourself, Why am I a terrible partner, your brain will give you compile evidence for you, basically about why you're a terrible partner. But neither of those are true. You're not stupid or a terrible partner. Your brain is isn't trying to hurt you. It's just doing its job. It is a pattern finding machine. So if you give it a question, it will find patterns and answers. And so if you ask yourself these like shitty disempowering questions, you will feel terrible because your brain is confirming all your worst fears about yourself, right? So don't let yourself ask yourself fear based disempowering questions, right? And like, if any, if it's like, why am I so fill in the blank with something bad? Or why can't I just fill in the blank with something good? That those are all disempowering crappy questions, and they will all undermine your mood and make you feel like crap. And if you ask them a lot, you can actually drive yourself into the ground with those. So we want to ask better questions instead. Examples are some of the ones we asked here, right? What do I really want when I want sex? Or what do I really want when I would I want to not have when I don't want sex, but also things like, what would help me feel more blank, right? What could I do to do blink so? What would help me feel more connected to my body? What would help me feel more connected to my partner? What would help me feel more interested in physical touch? What do I need? Is another one? What do I need to feel safe enough for desire to emerge? Or how could i How could I? Questions are wonderful. How could I honor my needs and my partner's needs and again, pro tip needs. Do not let do not let this turn into obligation sex, right? Apart. Your partner doesn't actually technically need sex, but they may have emotional needs. In fact, they surely have emotional needs that you could honor, right? So how could I honor both my needs and my partner's needs? Or what's one thing that's always a great, empowering, curious question, what's one thing that I could do today to enjoy my body more or make physical affection feel better to me? What's one thing I could do today to feel closer to my partner? What's one thing I could ask for them to tell me, to help me meet some of my needs. How could I? How could I write another How could I, how could I show up more authentically in my relationship? How could I find ways to creatively get my needs met right? The difference is that these questions are all open, and they assume you're capable of figuring things out. They don't start from a place of shame or brokenness. They start from a place of there's something to learn here, right? So that's my invitation for you. For 2026 join me asking better, more empowering questions, and what you can do for yourself as an exercise is, you know, take a moment to write down all the crappy ones you ask yourself and how you feel about them, and for each one, write a different version, write a better version, and then practice. You won't, you won't, sort of like, catch them all beforehand. But what might happen is, you'll catch yourself feeling badly, and you can ask yourself, what crappy question Am I asking myself? And you might be like, Oh, there I go again. You know, what's a better reframe for me? And over time, this becomes a habit, and it changes everything. So I just wish for you in this year that you will really help yourself understand under the surface what you're looking for, what you need, and how could you create that together? Because most relationships where people are asking these questions curiously and are open to the answers, that is where we can start solving challenges. And instead of expecting yourself to sort of like, magically find the right the the other person that's going to like be, you know, solve all the problems and be exactly perfect for you, which doesn't usually happen. Typically, what happens is, if people get to a point in their relationship where they're they break up with their partner, and then they go just repeat their patterns with the next person. Yep, sorry. Generally, happens. Now there are, of course, exceptions to that, and there are, of course, cases where you do need to get out of a relationship in order to find fulfillment and joy, absolutely, absolutely but there are also a lot of situations where people are assuming that something is intractable or can't be changed or can't be solved, but it's because of the way they're looking at it. And so I want to invite you to look at things more curiously and openly with less judgment for both yourself and your partner in this coming year, and I hope that this has been helpful for you. And welcome to 2026 everybody here we are. Take care. I'll see you next week. Hey. So before you go, I have some more free help for you. If you are okay with sharing your email, I will send you my free guide, five steps to start solving desire, differences without blame or shame. This is a practical starting point for individuals and couples. You can opt out of my emails at any time, but I think you'll want to stick around. I am not a spammer. Go get it at www.Laurajurgens.com/libido. Make sure to spell my last name right and the link is in the show notes.