The one thing you haven't tried for mismatched libido

You've read the books. Maybe you've done therapy. You've tried scheduled sex, date nights, "just doing it." And you're still stuck.

Here's why: you've been trying to fix a layout problem with decorative solutions.

In this episode, I break down the kitchen remodel analogy— why desire gaps need something very different than what most people try. You need a comprehensive, body-based approach, not another book, toy, date night, or conversation about the problem. I'll walk you through what most of you have tried, why it hasn't worked (not your fault), why it feels so deflating, and what actually does work for real human beings.

This is for people who are exhausted, at their wit's end, and starting to wonder if it's even fixable. Spoiler: it is.

Get my free guide: 5 Steps to Start Solving Desire Differences
(Without Blame or Shame), A Practical Starting Point for Individuals and Couples, at https://laurajurgens.com/libido 

Find out more about my offerings and read the blog: https://laurajurgens.com/

Copyright notice: All content in this podcast is copyrighted and copying, scraping, data mining, or using the content to train AI is prohibited. 

Transcript

Hey everyone, welcome to today's episode. We're gonna talk about the one thing you haven't tried yet for mismatched libidos. So if your kitchen layout was all wrong, if you couldn't open the fridge without doing ninja moves to get to the oven, if the sink was on the opposite wall of the dishwasher, if absolutely nothing is where it was supposed to be, would the most beautiful countertops in the world be the best?

choice to fix it. Of course not, right? But that's essentially what's happening when you try to solve a desire discrepancy or libido mismatch with the tools that most people know about to try. And what actually we need here is we need a comprehensive remodel of this kitchen, right? Not a band-aid superficial solution, which is all most people find on the internet. So

Today we're gonna look at the things many of you have tried from this lens of the remodel analogy. And I think that will help the solution become a little bit more clear for you and a lot more feasible. So some of the things a lot of my listeners have tried with great intentions. Books, you maybe read Esther Perel or Emily Nagoski books, Lovely, Scheduled Sex,

can be problematic depending on how you do it. Date nights. All this stuff has made sense and none of it's bad in terms, it's not a bad tactic. It's just not sticking and it's not really solving the issue. And there's really good reasons for that. But the problem is everybody's getting, you know, trying all these things and then getting exhausted and feeling like nothing's working.

Therefore, nothing can work. And that's not true. That's just like this kitchen remodel situation, right? It's you start to wonder if it's fixable at all when you're, you know, decorating the backsplash, but you have this functional issue going on. Why is my kitchen still not working for me? And so here's what I want to invite you to understand.

Laura Jurgens (02:27.413)
You don't have bad intentions or lack of effort. You just have the wrong tools for the job. Right? So the fundamental problem, like in the kitchen, right? It's that the layout is broken. Nothing surface level is going to fix that. Nice countertops, new paint, right? It can, you still can't cook in there. The flow is broken. The function doesn't work. And desire gaps are really a

similar in a lot of ways. The fundamental design is off. Not because you are broken, but because the conditions for desire are not there. And the conditions for authentic connection for both people are not there. So there's a lot of well-intentioned solutions that just don't address the layout issue, the lack of those conditions, right?

and nothing surface level.

It might not even seem like it's surface level that you're doing, right? But it oftentimes it sort of on inadvertently is. So reading a book, for example, there's nothing wrong with reading a book. I highly recommend a bunch of books. I don't particularly recommend some of the ones that most people tend to go to because they have this idea that they're somehow going to fix the problem. But for example, you may read a wonderfully use like insightful Esther Perel book.

And it gives you some inspiration. It may help you understand why your layout isn't working. It may not because it's general, right? It's written for a general audience. But that's not addressing the fundamental layout problem. More date nights. It's like setting the table nicely when you can't use the stove, right? Buying toys and accessories. It's kind of like buying new kitchen gadgets.

Laura Jurgens (04:31.969)
when your major appliances are broken. And a lot of solutions, quote unquote solutions you'll see on the internet, actually make it worse. So any sort of just do it advice, my God, that's like using a toaster that actually lit the ceiling on fire. It is going to make everything worse. Scheduled sex without addressing the underlying obligation sex dynamic is like using a pressure cooker with a broken lid.

basically signing up for a disaster that could be very dangerous. And blaming anybody for any of these things is about as effective as blaming someone for the kitchen layout. It's not going to solve that either. And a lot of those things are actually not just ineffective. They're creating new problems. And they're reinforcing obligation. They're killing spontaneity. They're building resentment. And so

I wanna just say it's not your fault for trying them because there's a bad sex advice on the internet. It is not your fault that that's what's there and that it's hard to find good stuff, which is why I do my entire job, right? That is why I'm here is to help you not make things worse and to help you know what does make things better for when you are ready to do that. And I get, you might not be ready to do it right now and it may take a little while for you to be ready to...

really do the kind of remodel that needs to happen. Fair enough. But at least let's look at why the other stuff isn't working so that you don't feel like nothing can work. OK. Why that other stuff isn't working actually makes a lot of sense. And also let's look at what does work and what's needed here. So a ton of my listeners have been to couples therapy, like traditional talk therapy. And.

or like couples counseling. And I just, this is like hiring the architect to walk through and discuss why the layout doesn't work. So you might both understand the problem better at the end of that. Whether we're talking about the architect or we're talking about the couples therapy, you might both understand the problem better at the end of that if you've had a good couples therapist and you know, they vary just like any profession, just like coaches.

Laura Jurgens (06:57.303)
just like lawyers, just like surgeons, right? Just like mechanics. Quality varies with every profession. But if you've had a good one, you may understand the problem better. That's great. You may even be able to think about together how it should work, right? How you want it to work. But that doesn't mean that you're actually moving the walls or rebuilding anything. You're still living in the broken kitchen. And most

therapists are not trained in sexuality almost at all and even the ones who have some sexuality training a very little training in desire arousal dynamics or to how to actually build the nervous system conditions for desire because talk therapy addresses the mind and desire lives in the body and so we have a fundamental issue here

right, that talking about isn't gonna fix. So what does a full remodel actually require, right? We need a comprehensive assessment of what's actually not working. And in this case, it would be both partners, needs, desires, nervous system patterns, shame, past trauma, including attachment trauma,

Right. And how your dynamic is functioning. So the relational dynamic. How are you talking to each other? How are you touching each other? Does your body actually like that? What conditions does your body need to find arousal and to move along that pathway? Are you getting it? There's a good chance that at least one person is not getting those conditions met. So we need a comprehensive assessment.

of what's actually not working. And it's not either of you as people. Nobody's wrong as a person. And you're not bad or undesirable or broken or any of that. There's just some dynamics that aren't working. So comprehensive assessment. We also then need to do some foundation work first. We can't install new counters on a cracked foundation. So if the floor or the kitchen

Laura Jurgens (09:25.535)
is collapsing, that's the first thing to fix. And so rebuilding, that's a lot of times that's like nervous system safety, Cleaning out the resentments and the shame and stuff like that so that we can actually figure out what it is that you do like and allow you to feel entitled to have things that you do like specifically for you, right? What helps you feel alive and sparkly, right? What helps bring, light you up.

We need to find those things. We need to rebuild the systems themselves that are going on in the dynamic between you. The communication, the boundaries, the types of touch, right? All of the process of arousal. Does anybody understand their own arousal needs, right? And their partners. And we need to do body-based practices. So not just understanding through talking, not understanding in our

brains intellectually, but actually creating new neural pathways through practice. And practice is what works for all animals, including humans. Right? That's why babies practice crawling before they can practice walking. Right? Practice is what works. And it gets it in our body where it needs to be. And then both partners, it's useful if at some point,

doesn't have to be in the beginning. Both partners get involved in some way. And that may be through one partner being ready, going first, changing the dynamic, understanding their own needs, starting to change the communication and the boundaries and all that stuff from their side, which you can absolutely do on your own. And then the other person starts being like, this is kind of cool. This feels better. Let's do this. And then they start participating too.

and you need professional guidance just like with a kitchen remodel. Trust me, I live in a house where our previous homeowner was a lovely sweet man who is the worst DIYer you have ever seen in your life. You should see the backsplash. Looks like it was installed by a two year old on crack. It's amazingly bad. So.

Laura Jurgens (11:49.452)
Professional guidance for some things. Yes, there are some things you can DIY and you are gonna need to do your own practices, but it really helps to have somebody there helping you figure out what it is you need to be doing at what time and how to do things differently because you've been trying to do it on your own and it hasn't been working, right? This also takes some time and it's useful to have that understanding. Just like if your kitchen's really not functional,

you need the contractor, the remodeler to come in and say, okay, here's how long this is gonna take, right? And hopefully they give you an honest assessment so that you can plan your life around that, right? And so a full remodel for a desire gap situation typically takes a good solid six months of consistent effort. Okay, it doesn't have to be your whole life. It's maybe like an hour a week, right?

gotta be consistent effort because we do have to get that practice in our bodies and we have to try out new ways of relating so that we can work together in a new functional way. And so after this you get a kitchen or a relationship that actually functions and feels like a refuge and feels good and where you can nourish yourself. Right? And

Unfortunately, sometimes and you know, I have a whole podcast about this sort of love should be easy belief because it really, man, it really keeps people stuck. It's as if we imagine that every single, you know, house that you walk into should just be perfectly set up for yourself without any effort whatsoever. And it's not realistic. Right. And why should it be easy? This is the most important relationship in your life for most of you. And

I don't understand why that should be easy, but there is this cultural myth that, you know, if it's meant to be, it will magically be easy and they will be happily ever after. And you notice that in all the rom-coms, it stops after they really finally get together. Right. We don't see the long term relationship progression in most of those types of films, but it goes into our subconscious mind and we subconsciously.

Laura Jurgens (14:17.143)
through nobody's fault, believe this myth that is absolutely false, that love should be easy if it's quote unquote meant to be. And if it's hard, that means we must be wrong for each other, which is not true. Now, look, some people are wrong for each other and they have fundamental incompatibilities. And it is very useful to figure that out. But you can't decide whether you have a fundamental incompatibility unless you've tried the right

things first to figure out whether your partner is on board and wants to meet you and whether you changing changes the dynamic enough that they show up differently. If you don't even try to renovate the house, then just saying like, well, there's nothing I can't live here, right? Is not practical and you're just going to have the same problem with the next house because

it's not gonna be exactly you, right? Nobody is ever gonna be exactly you. They're not gonna be just like you. They're going to be a little different. And that could actually be wonderful when you learn to navigate those differences in a way that's functional for both of you, right? So getting help is not evidence of failure, just like it's not evidence of failure to need your kitchen to be remodeled, right?

It's evidence that you care enough to fix it, that you care enough to put the effort and the investment in to do the work that needs to be done, right? So what does that look like, right? I want everybody to have all the information. This is what it takes. You need to do the nervous system work, the safety work, the desire work, right? Understanding arousal, communication, all that stuff. You do have to do that. Just like in a kitchen remodel, you gotta do all the parts.

You gotta do the appliances, you gotta do the cabinets, you gotta do the flooring, we gotta do all those pieces to make it all feel whole and good and wonderful and work. So a good focused coaching program in any field typically runs about five to $15,000 and up because people are charging all kinds of things. Whether it's business coaching,

Laura Jurgens (16:42.805)
Relationship coaching, health coaching, financial coaching, it depends on what you're working on and how big the shift is going to be, right? Determines how long it takes. And of course it depends who you're working with and what their general approach is to pricing, right? That's not unique to relationship work. It's just what comprehensive transformation costs. Just like,

having a kitchen or bathroom remodel, having you know a landscaper come in and redo your whole landscape. It depends on what professionals you work with and there's a general sort of ballpark, right? And transformation does require investment. You are not paying for someone. So this is very different from a therapy model. You're not paying for someone just to listen to you spout off for an hour a week.

and maybe hope that someday that's gonna be transformative. You are paying for the expertise, accountability, personalized guidance and measurable results that you actually want. And so that's why coaches are results focused. We are actually focused in getting you the outcomes you came in for in a reasonable amount of time.

I don't want to see anybody for 30 years to just listen. That's not my job. I am not a therapist. And the difference, right, is that most results you buy, like a kitchen remodel, is actually a temporary upgrade that you need to redo in 10 or 15 years. But the wonderful thing about skills-based transformations where you actually come out on the other side where you are different, you have new capacity that you didn't have before.

When you invest in your own capacity, it doesn't expire, which is so awesome. And one of the things that I love about coaching and love about getting coaching for myself is that when I invest in me, that learning stays with me for the rest of my life. And when you invest in your relationship and you have a relationship transformation, it benefits you forever because now you can do the remodel yourself the next time.

Laura Jurgens (19:07.189)
You have the tools to do the maintenance so it never needs it again. But both the kitchen remodel and the relationship remodel require temporary disruption, professional expertise, and a substantial investment. Neither should be done on an impulse or half-assed, but it's also not wise to avoid

them either one of those kinds of things if they're necessary. If you have the issue where you need the remodel, it's not wise to avoid it forever either. And generally, doing it earlier means you get to enjoy the benefits and the results earlier, which is just wonderful. And also means things don't get worse, which is typically what happens with relationship dysfunction. So if you are living with broken kitchen that affects everything, right? Meal prep,

family time, daily stress, get a kitchen remodel when you can, right? If you're living with a desire gap that affects everything, your connection, your intimacy, your mental health, your sense of self-worth and safety in the world, get a relationship remodel, right? And that's why I created my program. But you have the framework to really

Assess the solutions now that you see on the internet. So I want to invite you to ask when you see something as a purported solution, does this address the fundamental issue underlying our disconnection pain or is it cosmetic? know, books, podcasts, including this one.

They can help you understand the problem, which is a necessary first step, but it is not a solution. Apps, scheduled sex, like sex accessories can be helpful after you fix the foundation. And traditional therapy is really valuable for understanding some things. It is not often usually sufficient for actual transformation.

Laura Jurgens (21:30.722)
desire and arousal challenges. And if you've been trying well-intentioned solutions and wondering why nothing's changing, that's why, right? Now you know. So real transformation requires comprehensive body-based work. And in my experience, given the results I see with actual people who share this problem, and I've put...

some of their actual results and numbers so that you can see them on my information page for my program because I think it's really powerful to see numbers. I'm a numbers person, I love numbers, I mean I was a scientist for many years and a pretty high level statistician. So I really like to see the numbers and these are numbers where people have said this is what my goal is, this is what my current level of fulfillment is.

And we check in at three months, we check in at six months, and they score those same goals again with their current level of fulfillment. And you can see the difference that people are getting in their specific goals, right? So if you're curious about numbers and you love that stuff too, it's at www.laurajurgens.com/bridge, and you can read about the program and then you can see some real clients actual numbers.

So that program is the full remodel. You may not be ready for that right now. You may be in an exploratory phase, totally legitimate, right? I am not here to push anybody who's not ready into it because to be honest, I have a guarantee and I really need people who are ready to do the work and not people who aren't because otherwise I will be giving you your money back. Actually, what will actually happen is I will just say that we're not a good fit in our consultation. But.

People when they are ready, this is what you need. I think based on my expertise and my work with many, many, people, this is what works. And we don't cut corners, right? We actually need to get in there and work with what's going on in your body, in your nervous system, and in your dynamic between you and really actually build some new.

Laura Jurgens (23:52.97)
a whole new kitchen there, right? A whole new way of being so that you get to feel that wonderful sense of this feels great. This feels absolutely wonderful. Right. So my message here today is, really just you're not doing anything wrong in most cases. Well, sometimes people are doing things wrong. I want to total I don't want to lie to you. There's a lot of things you could be doing that actually are not helping.

And if it hasn't gotten solved, then chances are what you've been doing is not helping. But that doesn't mean you are wrong. You're not a wrong person. You're not a bad person. But you've been doing well-intentioned quote unquote solutions that aren't actually solutions. You've been doing things that you've been told might work, but it's like throwing darts at the wall, right? Like you have no idea if it's actually gonna.

really change the situation. And most of the time when you've run in when you've done that and it hasn't helped right we we start feeling like nothing can help and that's where I really want to challenge you on that part because evidence that pre other things haven't worked in the past is not a prediction that nothing can work in the future.

but brains do tend to look at it that way, right? If you have never gotten into college before and then you do, right, all of those previous rejections don't actually predict the fact that you'll never get into college. They just mean you haven't gotten into college yet, right? And then when you do get into college, you conveniently forget that you were totally worried that all of those other...

colleges not taking you meant that you would never get into college, right? It doesn't mean that. Just because a baby has never walked before, it doesn't mean that they never will walk, right? Thank God none of us had that mindset when we were babies or we'd still be crawling around, right? So there are good solutions. It is possible, but it does require something different than most of what you're gonna see on the internet.

Laura Jurgens (26:15.596)
And when you're actually ready to dive in and do the remodel, then I'm happy to talk with you and see if we're a good fit. And you can always reach out to me. And right now, at least you have the information you need to start critically assessing some of these quick fixie kind of stuff that's out there in the world. All right, my friends, I'll see you here next week.