THE MILK
Welcome to The Milk- the podcast that pours it all out: the messy, the magical, & the mildly unhinged moments of motherhood and womanhood. Real talk, honest stories, and reminders that none of us really know exactly what we’re doing- and that’s kinda the best part! I’m Tayla- your host and mom of soon to be three. So let’s laugh, learn, and milk this season of life for all that it’s worth.
THE MILK
You’re Not Broken: Why Sexual Desire Shifts Postpartum And How To Find Your Way Back with Karly Ryan I Episode 10
We know it can feel like it...but desire didn’t disappear after having a baby—it just changed shape. I invited intimacy and relationship coach Karly Ryan to unpack why postpartum libido shifts, how maternal brain plasticity and hormones like prolactin reroute attention, and what it really takes to feel sensual again when you’re tired, touched out, and navigating a new identity. Using the lens of the maiden and mother archetypes, we talk about honoring both energies without pitting them against each other, and how small rituals can help you reclaim the parts of you that felt lost in the fog.
What We Discuss:
- maiden and mother archetypes explained (so relatable!)
- postpartum brain changes and hormones affecting libido
- surrendering the void and reframing identity
- sensuality as daily practice and pilot light
- gentle self-pleasure without toys to reconnect
- practical ways couples can reconnect without forcing sex
- intimacy beyond sex through touchpoints and timing
- midday windows for desire and reducing pressure
- tantric options and fantasy play
- simple rituals to call your energy back
If you’ve wondered “Who am I now?” or felt guilty that old rituals no longer work, this conversation offers science-backed reassurance and compassionate tools. Expect clear takeaways you can try today to reduce pressure, create safety, and let desire rise at your pace.
More From Karly:
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Her Offerings on her website Ritual Return
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Welcome to The Milk, the podcast that pours it all out, the messy, the magical, and the mildly unhinged moments of motherhood and womanhood. Real talk, honest stories, and reminders that none of us really know exactly what we're doing. That's kind of the best part. I'm Taylor, your host, and soon-to-be Mom of three. So let's last, learn, and build the season of life for all that it's worth. Hi, ladies. Sorry, we've been giggling over here while starting. Welcome back to The Milk. Happy Tuesday if you're listening the day this comes out. Thank you for being with us again. Today I have another special guest, a good friend of mine, Carly Ryan. We are here to talk all about why intimacy changes after relationships and what we actually need. We're going to be talking about intimacy, pleasure, and identity, the identity shift that comes with after having kids and how that can kind of play into intimacy and your relationship, right?
SPEAKER_02:So beautifully said. I'm so happy to be here. Fellow mama, you look radiant as always. Thank you. I don't feel radiant right now. You know. You're doing your best. Are you doing your best? Well, I'm so excited to talk about all of this because we are just, we're learning so much about the maiden and the mother, I feel like, in real time being new mothers. Um I have a nine-month-old at home, and it's really, it's a work in progress, and there's so much practice, and it's daily. Um, but it's really something that I think is just illuminating so much about the shadow and the self and losing yourself, and there's a funeral without there's a death without a funeral, as I like to say for the maiden and mother.
SPEAKER_00:Love that. Okay, so let's tell listeners who may not know you, like just give a little spiel on who you are, what you do, and then kind of what like what's brought you to this work.
SPEAKER_02:Absolutely. So I am an intimacy coach and relationship coach, and I specialize in somatic self-pleasure and um sexual healing. So, what that looks like as far as our culture is we are super over-sexualized, but we are not connected to the sensual self. And the sensual self very much is about creation and our connection to our purpose, our soul's purpose. And we don't think about the act of sex being so deeply rooted to our souls, but it really is the foundation of all life. All movement forward is connected into that sensual energy. So we're taught from a young age, especially as women, how to downplay our sexuality or upplay our sexuality, but we're not taught how to connect to our sensuality. Same with men and boys, um, especially men and boys, I think really get bypassed when it comes to how to connect to your sensual self. So I help individuals and couples reclaim and come back to their innate sensual primordial selves.
SPEAKER_00:I think that's so important because especially as new moms, like first-time moms, even second-time moms, I feel like I've felt this each time. It's almost like you feel intimacy just disappear. Like you're you're navigating a new body. You're figuring like your boobs are no longer just for like male pleasure or like to like look good in a push-up bra. Like they are now being suckled on by these kids as like a form of nourishment. And it's like you just you're trying to navigate this newness. And I think you you get lost in feeling like your libido's gone, and like you're just like your body's just like your vessel for the this the these children now and not your own. Where it's like that intimacy doesn't disappear, it just takes on new legs and a different format, I guess. Right. Like I'm interested to hear your perspective on this, especially like now going into my third time around. I think we have like amnesia, and like I'll, you know, I'll be right back to the same thing where I'll feel I'll feel the same way, which is why I'm so excited to have this conversation and just reframe my mindset and everyone else that is listening of like intimacy doesn't disappear. It's like you just have to navigate it differently. Um, and also give your time yourself time and grace. The six weeks is how about six years? Like, can I have six years, please?
SPEAKER_02:Six months at least. At least the weeks, the fact that we as women are are really kind of trapped into thinking that we need to be back in touch with ourselves enough to be sexual after six weeks is not taking into account the whole woman. It's taking into account the woman as a physical vessel. And that's all we're connected to in that moment. But we're our our sense of self is blasted to the universe when we give birth. We pretty much are calling back pieces of ourselves through our postpartum uh period, which can last two years. I mean, that is what other cultures that's the grace period that women are given in other cultures is two years. That they are reclaiming, they're mourning the maiden, they're reclaiming the mother, they're living in the void. Like I was just sharing with you before we started recording. Eight months, I feel like I was actually able to see my son for the first time because I was suddenly out of the fog. And imagine trying to navigate being a sexual being within that. You're women are not meant to have a sense of self in those first months. We are other self-centered, we're not self-centered any longer. And the maiden is all about self-centeredness. Um, it's about creating outward and the other um the other-centeredness that mothers go through is very much internal. And we're just trying to figure out who we are in this new, in this new place and sphere that we're in.
SPEAKER_00:I love that. So to clarify or define like going from maiden to mother, that essentially to you just means maiden pre-kids, mother, your transformation after kids, or how would you define that for viewers listening? Because I feel like we'll be using those terms quite a bit, this conversation. Love that. Yes.
SPEAKER_02:So maiden and mother are archetypes, they are with us our whole lives. So you you and I will always have our maiden archetypes, um, even though we have children, but you don't need to be a physical mother to be in that mother archetype. Um, maiden is very much about the self, energy, fire, um, sexuality, exploration, but there's also this sense of subservient, you're not quite sure who you are in the world, you're looking for answers maybe outside of yourself. And the mother archetype is very much that rooted, grounded oak tree for lack of a better term. But the oak tree is very much grounded in one place, but it's not as outwardly exciting as the maiden is. So if you're used to being, most of your self, um, your self-worth is coming from those outside validations. The maiden can be a really fun place to be, but then when you do move into the mother archetype, it feels even more like a void.
SPEAKER_00:And what's the goal here? Like, is it balancing the two where being able to tap into both freely, or is it stepping into one specific and staying there? Like, what is the goal? I love that question.
SPEAKER_02:The goal is to look at both of them as sisters and not enemies. They are constantly giving and taking from each other. The mother archetype will take over usually in the beginning of postpartum, but the maiden is also there to give her that fire, to give her some more purpose. Um, but she is taking a backseat. The maiden is very much in the backseat until really it's usually when you start ovulating again that you are starting to call in that maiden energy once again to be on a walk with you, to feel seen, to feel excited about being touched again and not feeling touched out. But she definitely takes a backseat throughout most of the postpartum.
SPEAKER_00:It's interesting, it's almost like having one on each shoulder. Not to compare it to like devil and angel, but it's almost like there's been so many moments in just being a mom where sometimes I'm like, I'm listening to this, but then this one pokes in. It's like that voice in my head. Yep. And I it's almost like a little bit of confusion of like sometimes I feel like one side, but like I yearn for the other side. And it's like you feel that tug-of-war. Yes. And without even knowing what the maiden and mother were before knowing these archetypes. It's like I've just internally and intuitively felt that. And I'm sure so many women can relate where it's like sometimes they're in the mother, they're like, Oh, I miss the maiden energy. And sometimes they're in the maiden, they're like, wait, I kind of want to go back to feeling grounded and motherly again.
SPEAKER_02:And it's it's really about finding the balance and integrating both of them into your daily life and honoring that both of them are going to step in at the right moments, and really rituals are such a huge part of honoring both. So in postpartum, honoring that your maiden is dying in some ways and doing rituals to honor her, and then allowing the mother archetype to come back into a bigger part of your like identity through through rituals, which is great. And we can talk about that later.
SPEAKER_00:And knowing that I guess like my goal with going into this the third time around is just not resisting that the maiden's gonna take a back seat for a bit, more like hibernating. I'm not gonna kill her off, hibernating, but just a perfect word for it. Hibernating, and I'm gonna step into this motherly time and focus on nesting and not trying to rush back to integrating the maiden. And I think that was the hardest part of my first time having a child with Aspen, where it was almost like, where's this other side of me gone? Like, why don't I have this? It was the resistance, which I think was the hardest part of that identity shift. And so many women can really, I want to talk about this identity shift that happens when you step into motherhood because a lot of the time we're not prepared, or we're just not, we don't talk about it enough. I had no idea that my identity was gonna change. I thought I was just adding on to my identity rather than it completely transforming on its own without my say. Yeah, it was whether I liked it or not, I was going to evolve into this new person. And now I'm so grateful for who I've stepped into or just evolved to. I'm like, oh my gosh, I don't even remember the past version of me before kids. I don't want to remember. And like, yes, there's parts of it that I still am, but I just feel like a completely different person. But it takes a little bit of time to get there. Yeah. And there's a lot of like guilt and confusion and sadness sometimes. It's like that morning the mourning period. How would you describe this identity shift? Like, what are your thoughts on it? What would you give someone who the like kind of advice on maybe someone who is in the thick of maybe having their th first kid and being like, who am I? Like what happened to who I I'm just I'm just someone's, I'm just something to someone. I'm not my own person anymore.
SPEAKER_02:Right. I mean, it really is about surrendering to the void, and that is you're in between who you were and who you're becoming. You're in this liminal space. Um the advice at least what was helpful for me, I'm not usually one to go to the scientific side. I'm much more how does this feel? Where is my soul? But I realized I was so tapped out and disconnected from any part of myself that actually looking at what was happening to me on a biological, structural, cellular perspective actually was incredibly reassuring and helpful for me to know that I wasn't going insane. I mean, I've never felt so dislike you said, so disconnected from myself. None of the old rituals were working, journaling wasn't working, even going on a walk, just nothing was hitting the right way. Essentially, because you are your vessel is completely shattered. And you are putting there's nothing to put yourself into. You're slowly putting pieces back together.
SPEAKER_00:It's I'm gonna interrupt you really quick just because I can relate to that so much. It's like the scariest feeling. Oh, it's terrifying when you are doing everything that used to self-regulate you or bring you back to yourself, and it's not working anymore. Like I remember doing my first hot yoga class postpartum, and I felt so weak. I felt so disconnected. And at the end of it, when we were in Shivashana, I literally just balled my eyes out in a dark black room, and I was like, why did that feel so different? Or I would go on walks or journal or try and clear my head, and I just could not climb out of this place where I'm like, this used to make me feel so whole. Why do I it almost makes me feel less more broken because it's not working? I know, I know, but it's normal, it is, it is and it's not forever. No, you find new ways of bringing that from it's like what like old keys won't open new doors. Is that the saying? I kept like it is I pulled that out of my back pocket. I remember telling myself that back.
SPEAKER_02:You want different results, you need different moves, essentially. And that's I mean, I don't know about you, but journaling still does not do it for me, and that's okay. But yet I'm able to regulate my nervous system in new ways. Yeah. It's essentially it just means that you've upgraded. Like you have upgraded so much as a mother. Your cells are completely different, your gray matter in your brain is different. There's something called maternal brain plasticity, which essentially when you give birth, the gray matter in your brain shifts. So it is turning away from um connection with your spouse or with yourself, and it's completely overrun with and from a hormonal from hormones, your prolactin and your dopamine levels completely shift so that you are wanting to completely live your nervous system's living for your child at that point. So, of course, journaling doesn't help your baby, so it's not gonna help you in the same way. Wow. I've never heard that. Yeah, that's so fascinating. So your nervous system is completely enmeshed and you're reading signs for your baby as much as you're reading signs for yourself. But what's cool is then you get to be a baby again in a way because you're regulating your system from the perspective of your baby.
SPEAKER_00:I love that. So what would you recommend people doing to, I guess, nourish their maiden verse mother archetypes during the postpartum phase?
SPEAKER_02:I think it's a it's important to not do a verse, just because we women are taught to segment themselves throughout all parts of our lives, really. And this is a time that you can actually really touch the mother and touch the maiden and they're dancing, they're sustainable.
SPEAKER_00:So it's okay to still not focus, but it's it's still okay to incorporate maiden during the postpartum phase. It doesn't have to just hibernate. No. Okay.
SPEAKER_02:She's definitely taking a back seat, but she is she's their rooting mother on. So I think it's it's just a beautiful thing to think about that you are collecting pieces of yourself and the maiden's gonna be reflected in some pieces, the mother's gonna be reflected in others. Um and you even have some crone energy in there too, which is like the grandmother. Unfortunately, our culture we don't have as much grandmother energy around our villages, usually. And we look can learn so much from from older generations, but with that said, the crone energy just really balances. She's kind of like the she's the wrestling coach, if you will, between the mother and the maiden. But she's just like, okay, you can stay here, play nice, yeah, it's cute.
SPEAKER_00:Okay, let's get into desire and intimacy. Yes, my okay. This is where I'm like, I know you're itching to get into it after kids. Like it's no new news that desire is not the same after having kids, and intimacy changes completely. Sometimes it does take a massive backseat where it's non-existent for a while. Why does this happen after having kids? How do you balance, I guess, giving yourself grace, like not forcing things, but then also still trying to like what are the best ways to still try to fuel that when you're ready? Yeah.
SPEAKER_02:Love that. So there is a few different things. The reason this happens is from a biological perspective, your prolactin is your mothering, your mother bear um hormone, and it floods your body, especially if you're breastfeeding. And it completely shut doesn't completely, but it really diminishes testosterone and dopamine, which are the two things that you need to have. Libido. So you're not broken, you're not doing anything wrong. Your body is completely shifting.
SPEAKER_00:Shutting down that side of you for a little bit. Talk about hibernation. Like that is hibernation. That's gonna be like my excuse. Like, sorry, I have a lot of prolactin in my body. I can't have sex right now. If you don't want me to stab you in the face, get your penis 10 feet away from me at all together. At least 20.
SPEAKER_02:Come on, let's be real. And so that's that knowing that is very helpful. And did you have would you say you had a high libido before before kids?
SPEAKER_00:Yeah. I feel like it's pretty genetic in my family with the women. Like we are not super high libido gals. Okay. It's interesting. Yeah, no, I mean, it's like a running joke between me, my sisters, my mom, and even my grandma. It's like interesting. We're just like, yeah.
SPEAKER_02:I wonder, I feel like you all have very much like queen empress energy. So I wonder if that's like you're able to connect with your male partners in a different way.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, like it's almost like like we'll do it, but we don't need it. Like there's like, okay, like sure, like we'll want it, we don't need it. Interesting. I don't know. It's yeah, I mean, it definitely keeps our males, you know, wanting more. Hey. Because we're not the ones begging. Hey. But right now, being pregnant, I am. I'm thinking I'm sitting so horny. Yeah. I'm like, why? Yeah. Like I will be having sex and feel my child kick inside of me. And I'm like, that's not sexy, but why am I wanting this right now?
SPEAKER_02:I know. It's crazy. Again, hormones are completely are fluctuating and just yeah, you gotta get it in.
SPEAKER_00:But safe to say, after kids, my libido was all kinds of effed up where I was like, I was I felt broken for so long.
SPEAKER_02:I know. Did you have so a big a big um tool is self-pleasure? And that's kind of your gateway back to yourself and back to your libido, especially with motherhood. So sexuality and sensuality, I like to say, is like a pilot light, and you always kind of want to have it on. It's much harder to have it completely off and then be expected to turn it on. And that's what we're expected to do at six weeks when you're cleared to have sex, which is so insane to me. So insane.
SPEAKER_00:I still had stitches inside of my vagina at six weeks, and my doctor cleared me. I was like, Oh, you're good to go. I'm like, Do you want to stick? your fingers up inside of me and still feel those stitches because I'm not good to go. And I remember I gave myself like an extra two weeks and I was like, okay, like we can try. It was the most painful thing. Like my body was not having it. And I was like, just because you say I'm good to go, like it took such a long time for TMI, my vagina to heal.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah. Of course it just got blasted open and a human came out of it. Of course it's going to take a long time to heal.
SPEAKER_00:And I think there's like some guilty component to that too, what makes which makes you like resent sex too. I feel like oh I don't feel ready. Like it's like almost feeling forced to do something, not by your partner, but just like by yourself or like everyone tells you you can have sex now. So why am I not ready? Why don't I feel ready? So then it's almost like this resentment towards intimacy and pleasure. And you're exhausted. Your boobs are leaking your baby's crying you're not sleeping. It's like I don't feel like being pleasured right now.
SPEAKER_02:Or that's how I felt I I think most women probably feel that way. But think about I love that you said should I should be having sex. I'm being told that I should I can have sex now. We women when you get your first menstrual cycle that's when you are supposedly you can start having sex. Most women are not ready to have sex at that point in time. The same thing is going to happen in all of these different portals. So this is a portal. Sure a doctor is saying you can have sex but you're not ready on an emotional level a soul level a physical level and you have to honor that I really want them to change that rule. It is insane to me.
SPEAKER_00:It really is who made that rule probably a male doctor probably a male doctor yeah I want to I want to hunt him down you should sir let's let's talk about this let's chat yeah let me know when you have a whole blasted open and then have something shoved into it. Yeah maybe we'll rip his ball stitch it up and then six months later six weeks later be like knock knock knock you really do have an Aries inside of you she's coming she's coming out I appreciate this I'm feeling spicy.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah I love it but that is a huge it's a huge indicator um for women to not an indicator but it's a huge invitation for women to reclaim themselves first. You have to be in connection with yourself first and I think what you're saying about being tapped out and your boobs are leak I mean six six weeks your boobs are leaking I mean you have milk spraying everywhere it's just not it doesn't feel sexy.
SPEAKER_00:You just dealt with a blowout and then you want me to be like sexy for my 20 minutes of time before the baby cries again.
SPEAKER_02:Exactly there is a component of doing it for your partner I don't personally subscribe to that. I think that there's so many other ways that you can connect with your partner that actually will serve you and him.
SPEAKER_00:This is also what I wanted to get into our conversation too. It's like you don't just have to have sex it's like intimacy is also it is so much yeah so we'll get into that too much mental reminder.
SPEAKER_02:Yes okay check check but the self-pleasure is a really great way to reintroduce sensuality to your body to re even just like you said you still had stitches inside of you. I mean I self-pleasure can just look like you're massaging your like in between your legs you're not even getting yourself to orgasm. You are just reclaiming yourself and that's the clearest and cleanest way back to wanting and desiring intimacy. The goal of any of this is so that you innately truly desire intimacy with your partner again. It's not shortcuts it's not I'm just gonna get it over with but there are things that you can do to help bring closeness and it's not like a chore anymore.
SPEAKER_00:You don't want it to be clever. Okay so you're saying that self-pleasure is a way so it's like I don't I'm not gonna do it with you right now I'm gonna reconnect with my own body which is gonna lead me into that with my partner. Exactly and I do feel like when I go a long time without having sex and I'm like I don't need it. When I do have sex I'm like oh I want it more exactly right. It's like practice you have to keep you got to keep it going.
SPEAKER_02:Exactly desire and intimacy is it atrophies just like anything else. So that pilot light you want to keep on you want to keep it on self-pleasure is a great way to do that. And even again the difference between sexuality and sensuality being in contact with sensuality in your space so even taking 15 minutes to just ask yourself questions like what do what scent do I want to smell right now? What do I want to touch? What do I want to taste?
SPEAKER_00:Doing things like that to reclaim who you are you're repainting who who you are as a person and not just a mother so it's like paying attention to your needs and wants and desires outside of like the sex part.
SPEAKER_02:Exactly the sex is the it's really the dessert it's the dessert it's the dessert and also it's the way you do everything. So sensuality is the way that you drink your water it's the way that you make tea in the morning the way you brush your hair but you're as a new mother you're so tapped out you're not you're not paying attention to that. You're not probably even brushing your hair. I need to be honest on how I drink my water you do essentially essentially if you did that for a whole day I would be so curious to see if you what would come up from that I do feel like you can tell the people that pay attention to their sensuality of like how they do things.
SPEAKER_00:And sensuality is chic. You can tell like you can sex you can just notice like I also get that vibe from you like you're very in touch I love sex and chic. You love sex okay I love it. Let's talk about like self-pleasure your tips your tricks do you love toys like what do we don't have to get into like your nitty gritty yeah but like what would you recommend to clients?
SPEAKER_02:So no toys postpartum it's very much your back to analog you're back to primordal you want to your body should be the only thing touching your body in the beginning. So your hands and again it can be like massage you can give yourself a nice massage with oil you can take a lovely bubble bath maybe you're hugging yourself maybe you're brushing your hair it does not have to be and it it honestly shouldn't be anything that's artificial. You need to really strip it back to be as natural as possible.
SPEAKER_00:My bubble baths are my jam like that is my way of getting back to feeling good about myself like when I'm stressed if I need a a beat from the kids whatever it is it's just bubble bath and I'm just laying there I love that oh that's my vice.
SPEAKER_02:Good amazing I mean you can add in a little a little touch here and there and see if that invites any desire in so desire desiring helps more desire come into the picture.
SPEAKER_00:I feel like just the heat of a bubble bath even oh just like being like you know when your body's like warmer I don't know I've also heard that this is so random but I'm just throwing this out I've also heard that wearing socks while having sex makes you're like spitting out your water already socks okay apparently it heightens orgasms and it helps you reach orgasm quicker.
SPEAKER_02:Interesting like the warmer feet I don't know interesting look I have not heard that look it up I have not heard that one but I do know that if you put the soles of your feet together when you're about to have an orgasm it creates like an a more intense one. No way. Well there's so many there's so much feeling in your feet so try it next week wow did you hear that ladies we all have homework to do socks and put your souls together.
SPEAKER_00:I love it. I love it I love it. Okay so we've gotten to the self-pleasure yes how do you talk to your clients about issues with intimacy after having kids like what do you recommend what do you normalize what do you encourage couples to do?
SPEAKER_02:Yeah well again the main thing is you have to reconnect with yourself you have to have a sense of self you have to rebuild yourself up because there's no libido there's no desire if there's no self. So I give couples honestly a good six months that they get to reconnect as friends they get to reconnect as partners and lovers without sex being on the table. Women especially in that very vulnerable postpartum phase you don't want to we're very we have this immense brain plasticity so any new patterns that we're introducing into our sphere can start to make actual deep grooves and patterns that we can kind of carry forward into the rest of our postpartum experience. So I try to have clients not not make it a chore not make it something that's expected. It's a mountain that you and your partner are climbing together and you can only climb the mountain as fast as the slowest person. And a postpartum mother isn't gonna be rushing to the top of that hill to be intimate. So the practice I also invite them to do um tantric experiences and touching each other touching but without reaching orgasm or like seeming semen retention. So you if a man can create or have an orgasm but without expelling semen that can work for interesting I've never heard of that yeah I thought you were going blue balls and just we're gonna blue balls our our men but there's so much that you can do with breathing I mean there's different ways that you can reach ecstatic union which is essentially what an orgasm is so broadening what that looks like for you and for your partner.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah. One thing that so when Scotty and I were in couples therapy like I'm sure all men they were like oh yeah like we could up our sex game a bit like we were in the thick of two under two and one thing that our therapist was talking about was like stop putting so much pressure on the act of sex which is like exactly what you're saying is like tail asking me like okay well what makes you feel good that has nothing to just like do with sex and it's it was essentially for me I was like oh like I love cuddling and she's like amazing cuddle more. Yeah like if you love cuddling that makes you feel good and there's more likelihood that that's going to lead to you finding the desire to have sex. Exactly or like oh like you like playing footsey under the table at dinner or like holding hands across the t table like things like that that just like make you feel good with connecting with your partner that like your clothes are on you could be in like a public place like focusing on those to get to the act later on was something that just popped into my head again. I'm like oh yeah like I love that now like we I love cuddling even watching TV like brain rot at the end of the day.
SPEAKER_02:Real housewives yeah like we watch trash TV and then sometimes like back in that butt up like see that's the thing do you feel like your do you feel like you your libido rises quicker when you're the one initiating through this postpartum experience?
SPEAKER_00:I think so, right? Because it all m it I think when they initiate and like you're so tired after a long day or something it's pressure instantly comes over your body like oh the pressure oh they want it but I don't want it right now or like oh like do I have to where it's like if you're the one that instigates it you're coming out of a you're not being in service once again.
SPEAKER_02:You're being sovereign.
SPEAKER_00:Yes. And then also um I think I've talked about this on like another podcast episode from the previous podcast but it's for me it's all about doing it at the time I feel the best and it's like finding the right times for him to even make his bid to having sex. Like your partner, you know it's like don't catch me at the end of the day at 8 p.m when we're in bed like I want to pass the heck out. And no one touched me. And no one touched me. I I don't want to be touched I want to have my pregnancy pillow around me. I sleep with it being pregnant or not every it's like my barrier. I've had it since I've had it for like over four years. Not the same one. It's like you're stuffed animal oh yeah I'm like no one touched me no one just leave me alone. But like we found that it's midday when the kids are napping when we have a little time to rest like I'm still energized because we've only taken on half the day and like that's our time and like you're gonna have the big best success rate if it's during that time. You know what's crazy about that?
SPEAKER_02:The middle of the day when the sun is highest is the maiden time of day. No way. And the maiden is very much connected with our sexuality and our libido so it makes perfect sense that you're being that's when your maiden energy is the highest.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah have sex in the middle of the day. It's amazing. Get your maiden on yeah love it. So like that's just where like we've found that like I'm most likely to say yes or yeah be receptive or like be into it on my own. Um so yeah that's what's works for us. But like just finding things outside of sex that feel good with your partner. Yes. Because once you feel those you're more likely to like it it builds desire right exactly and the building is what's most important.
SPEAKER_02:You're building that muscle and it can't just be if you're working out the gym you're not if you haven't done it in months you're not gonna go deadlift deadlift I don't know 150 pounds. You're gonna start small. So having those little things that you can do with your partner is huge and just for the relationship and just connecting and we women need a lot more touch points no pun intended we need more like data points of how we connect with our partner that aren't just zero to a hundred you know in the bedroom or the public bathroom or whatever you want to do. Where's the craziest place you've had sex the zoo the zoo wait I was not expecting that I was like maybe like a movie theater bathroom or in the in the very back of a movie theater the zoo the zoo the zoo okay like whereabouts at the zoo oh gosh um we're gonna expose you right now this was like I was next to the gorillas next to the gorillas no we snuck into the zookeeper lounge oh my god and the zookeeper walked in a sweet little zoo keeper walked in and it was like balls to the wall legs up it was poor thing this is gonna go viral god this is when I was very young I was very young hey no shame the maiden was really flowing we love her we love we really do she's fun we look back at our maiden days we're like dang I know I used to do that what happened the public places I don't know what it was it must be the Aries in me but it's like it's a challenge I'm like okay great looks good the other thing with that too is is um like fantasy play like that's a huge one that we lose touch with when we're moms yeah because we're so tired but that's a great way to rev up your libido is okay let's talk about this yeah okay dive into let's talk about fantasy play what do you love what do you recommend are you a porn fan never been yeah literally never been the same I'm not a big fan but Tumblr have has amazing little gifts so if you just need a little something to get you started and you don't want a whole production of like being invested in porn because porn really is just to open up the floodgates for you to see like put yourself in the position of someone else I think it's very overwhelming and it kind of you're not actually fully connected with yourself if you're just watching porn like couples that watch porn together or individuals?
SPEAKER_00:Both okay both usually yeah I'm like I'm not the kind of person that like I get guys watch porn I think I don't think Scotty does I really he doesn't have time to watch porn I'm exposing him on this he's gonna be he's busy like he's a busy busy but like I thought of in like previous relationship like I don't think I get like jealous or I mean if they're watching porn every single day for hours I'm like okay that we have an issue. Sure. But like here and there like I get it I don't I don't see it as like a massive problem. Yeah but I don't know I've just besides that I've never really been into it or I don't foresee us ever being a part of it. Being yeah I don't know but I some couples watch porn and they love it and I'm all for that. So I love that idea for others.
SPEAKER_02:There's also I find that there's some really beautiful historical art that has erotic like erotic art that's kind of fun especially if you're feeling very disconnected from your libido just a little a little something to get you going. There's an Instagram called History of Art and they do all kinds of art but sometimes they do erotic and it's interesting. I'll send it to my husband and he'll be like cool.
SPEAKER_00:What about like dressing up do you have time and energy? No no no no no no no but like you see in the movies like sometimes they're like a nurse or like is that something that you know it it works for some people I feel like most men and women want just the real thing. I'm not even a lingerie girl. Same. I like can't take myself seriously like I've never bought lingerie or like the thought of being gifted it and like walking out for Scotty I'm like I would just laugh. Yeah like I'm just I don't know it's not for you I've always thought about it I'm like I mean I guess maybe I'm five too I don't look like a Victor like a Victoria's secret model like they look like in in those outfits.
SPEAKER_02:We just gotta give you some wings maybe wings that's what you need and like a$10 million necklace you'll be good. But the dressing up is it's not for everybody. It definitely can be fun. Is that the fantasy? It is more of the fantasy and sometimes it actually means that there's a bit more of a disconnect in the relationship because you're wanting someone to be different than they are. Yeah of course there's a great kink app that you can get and you can see where your kinks are and it kind of gives you like what's your prominent kink and it's really great because there's things it's not very obvious. Like I'm a I love um like imagine like a caveman like very primal like that's what makes me very excited. So it's having my husband's pheromones and maybe he doesn't put deodorant on like it's the more primal connection. I think dressing up is just something that Hollywood has made accessible but there's actually so many different kinds of desires and kinks so I will send that to you and you can let me know what you get.
SPEAKER_00:Interesting. Yeah this might this is probably a really random kink but have you heard of the toe suckers I always say the worst thing right when you're taking a sip of water toe suckers? Well I don't know I'm not part of this community but when I was in high school there was a guy who was dating my friend who was a toe sucker and he was the toe sucker he was the toe sucker interesting apparently like as like foreplay like he wanted to suck her toes that's what turned him on and I think they like immediately broke up and this big rumor was going around for this poor guy. I mean but like apparently that's a kink. Yeah sucking sucking toes. I mean have you like I don't I don't know where I don't want to suck a a man's toes.
SPEAKER_02:I don't know where those have been yeah I I think sucking a man's toe would be a different experience. But think about our babies they we have our oral we have oral fixations from a baby I want to eat my my kids' feet. Of course of course not sexually but the little empanadas they're so cute But I mean I to have oral stimulation and vaginal or penile stimulation at the same time definitely amps up your desire. So that makes sense to me. Oh, poor guy. Shout out to the toe sucker. Yeah. Those are great. Keep it up.
SPEAKER_00:Keep it up. I get it. Okay. I want to play a fun little game. It's like a rapid fire. Okay. It's called True Confession. So essentially, I give you a prompt and you answer in like five to fifteen seconds. Very quick formula here. Love it. Okay. So the first one. The thing I miss most about my maiden energy is my super high libido.
SPEAKER_02:Miss her. She was a hoe. Don't we all? She was a hoe for show. She was a hoe for show, you know. Loved her. The craziest thing, I know we're doing rapid fire, but the one, if anyone is experiencing this, just know that this is completely normal and it will come back. I I was a big fan of swallowing. Like loved, I loved, especially my husband has it's immaculate sperm. Oh, it tastes like honey water. Thank God. Thank goodness.
SPEAKER_00:So this is there's a lot in here that I never anticipated, but this is incredible. I had a whole Hopefully no one's listening with their kids.
SPEAKER_02:I know.
SPEAKER_00:Turn this off. Turn this off. Well, I've heard pineapple helps with that.
SPEAKER_02:And just a clean diet and just lots of water. It tastes like honey, you said? It's like honey water. Wow. Yeah, God bless him. But I since having a baby, I do not I can't do it. I literally cannot do it. But apparently, if you do enjoy it, it does come back online, but not until you not usually till you're prolact, and it's very it's like get this out of here. Come on. Keep me updated. Okay, I will. I'll let you know.
SPEAKER_00:I'll let you know. Okay, back to the rapid fire. Okay.
SPEAKER_02:The hardest part about intimacy after kids is feeling like you are the last priority on your list.
SPEAKER_00:So true. I feel like intimacy also just decreases because our focus on ourselves decreases. We like lose ourselves. That is exactly right. That's the whole thing in a nutshell. Beautifully said. Yeah. Yep. Okay, next one. The first ritual you tell your client to try is to do a sensory walk where you are really focused on all of the senses.
SPEAKER_02:You touch flowers, you smell flowers, you feel the sun on your skin. You just are calling all your power and all your energy back to yourself. So reclaiming yourself. Ritual fat. Is that kind of the same vibe as like color walks for like anxiety type of thing? Have you heard of that? Love a color walk. Yes. But this one's much more sensory connected, but exactly. Cool color in there too. Love it. I actually did a color walk on the way here and I got greens. No way. Do you walked here? I walked from my car. Okay.
unknown:Okay.
SPEAKER_01:Very short walk. Very short walk.
SPEAKER_00:But I saw a lot of green. Yeah. I'm gonna walk to my car and do a color walk on the card. Great.
SPEAKER_01:Let me know what you what you decide on.
SPEAKER_00:Okay. I didn't realize how important this was until I became a mom. Hmm. Positive self-talk. Very true. You can't talk badly about yourself when you're a mommy. One thing every mom should give herself permission to do is I know this one's probably on a lot of people's lists, but saying I need a break and you're allowed to take a break. Yes. More breaks in 2026. Same end to that. Yeah, lots of breaks. The most surprising thing about reclaiming your desire is that it's fun and that it's normal and natural.
SPEAKER_02:And it is it feeds into itself. The more that you reclaim it with ease and joy, that the more that it starts to seep into other aspects of your life too. Like chores are more fun when you're you both just orgasmed and you have more space and patience for your partner and for yourself.
SPEAKER_00:Talking about chores, I know we're in the middle of a game, but chore play? Chore play? Have you ever heard of that? No, I have not. What is chore play? Essentially, when your partner does household chores and it like turns it makes your life easier, so it turns you on. Oh, there yes. Like if Scottie were to like handle the dishes or take the trash out, I'm like, mm-hmm. Get in bed. You know, like chore play is my foreplay. When like acts of service. I love this. It makes your life easier. Yes.
SPEAKER_02:You they do it themselves, not being asked. Nothing's a bigger turn on. Exactly. Okay, chore play. I love it.
SPEAKER_00:This is fun. I love a good rapid fire game. It's good. Yeah. I wish someone had told me this about motherhood and intimacy. Hmm.
SPEAKER_02:That you do not know who you are, and that that's completely okay. I love that. There's no way around it. You have to go through the void in order to get to yourself on the other side, but there's no way to avoid the void. Only way out is through. Amen to that. I remember saying that to myself during birth of like, oh, I actually have to go through this. Like the only way I can get out of this is going through it.
SPEAKER_00:It seems obvious, but yeah, in that moment I knew, okay, let's drop in. It's like my mantra and anything I do with the kids. If it's like a crazy travel day or getting through a tantrum, it's like you can't avoid it. You gotta go through it. I love that.
SPEAKER_02:I love that. You're I feel like you've been doing a lot with your kitties, so you must be throwing that mantra around. Oh yeah.
SPEAKER_00:Wow. It's okay. And it's working. The more you do it, the easier it gets. So true. Yep. The number one myth that moms believe about desire is that it's going to be different forever.
SPEAKER_02:Like you can reclaim it and it can be even better than it was before kids.
SPEAKER_00:And what is the one question that moms should ask themselves about intimacy?
SPEAKER_02:Who am I? That's gotta be your question always when it comes to intimacy is who am I and what is my connection with myself? And then that will lead you to know what your connection to intimacy is.
SPEAKER_00:Perfect. Perfectly said. Yay. That's it. Done. Done. Thank you so much. Thank you. You're the best. So for anyone listening, where can everyone find you? And then also your coaching services. Of course, I'll list everything and link in our description. But perfect.
SPEAKER_02:So Instagram, I'm at CarlyCakes, and you can also find me on my website, Ritual Return, and I offer couple coaching, couples coaching, and intimacy coaching, relationship coaching, dating coaching, anything to do with the heart, and the root chakra. Love it. All the things.
SPEAKER_00:I'm going to end with one question because it just popped in my head. What is one thing that you want every mom to hear and know leaving this episode when it comes to intimacy, pleasure, and their identity?
SPEAKER_02:Your kids want you to be the fullest version of yourself. And they are not going to judge you for how long that takes. They are just going to feel it if you are avoiding it. So take it day by day. Try to be a sexual being, being a sensual being, having a good relationship with intimacy is a part of being a fully functioning human. So don't be afraid of that part of you. Don't feel ashamed about it. And the more connected you are with yourself and that part of you, the more that you are able to share with your kids how to have a sex a healthy relationship with their bodies and their sensual desires and just recreating more healthy boundaries around that.
SPEAKER_00:Beautifully said. Thank you so much. Thank you. And thank you to everyone listening. Hope you enjoyed and laughed at this episode. Um, go maybe do some self pleasure. Go get your man to do some chore play, whatever it takes, get in the mood. Love it. We'll see you next week.
