THE MILK
Welcome to The Milk- the podcast that pours it all out: the messy, the magical, & the mildly unhinged moments of motherhood and womanhood. Real talk, honest stories, and reminders that none of us really know exactly what we’re doing- and that’s kinda the best part! I’m Tayla- your host and mom of soon to be three. So let’s laugh, learn, and milk this season of life for all that it’s worth.
THE MILK
Ep. 17 Why Good Relationships Struggle After Kids with Licensed Psychologist Dr. Bahaur Amini (Pt. 1)
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Today we're getting real about relationships after introducing a new bundle of joy. Having a baby is truly magical- it's a love you've never quite experienced and comes with so many of your highest of highs- but it would be a disservice not to acknowledge some of the lows that can come along with it. A baby can turn a “power couple” into two exhausted teammates who can’t stop bickering and don’t even recognize themselves. It can be one of the loneliest feels because not many people want to admit when their relationship is hitting some road blocks- why is there still so much shame around admitting our struggles when we so freely speak on our wins? Today I'm committed to unearthing all of this by sitting down with licensed psychologist and new mom Dr. Bahaur Amini. In this episode we dig deep discussing WHY conflict arises post-baby, how to navigate these challenges, the reality of disconnection & intimacy changes, & just how normal most of these experiences are.
More Of What We Discuss:
• why relationship stress spikes after a baby: sleep loss, identity shifts, higher tension and less intimacy
• how stigma and secrecy make conflict feel heavier than it is
• the way childhood family models shape parenting expectations and create new friction
• gender roles, paternity leave realities and the mental load that fuels resentment
• control struggles and why letting your partner learn matters
• feeling like strangers and using simple gratitude to rebuild connection
• hyperfixation, postpartum anxiety and social media comparison spirals
• communication templates that lower defensiveness and surface the real need
• signs conflict is stuck and how to take a break without avoiding repair
You can find Dr. Bahaur Amini at Aminipsychology.com to schedule a free consultation and to explore virtual sessions. (Mention her episode on The Milk!)
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Welcome And Why This Matters
SPEAKER_01Welcome to The Milk, the podcast that pours it all out. The messy, the magical, and the mildly unhinged moments of motherhood and womanhood. Real talk, honest stories, and reminders that none of us really know exactly what we're doing. And that's kind of the best part. I'm Taylor, your host and soon-to-be mom of three. So let's laugh, learn, and milk the season of life for all that it's worth. Hi, ladies, welcome back to The Milk. This episode, I'm gonna go out on a women's say, is probably going to be one of the most informative and helpful episodes that I'll probably have on the show. Honestly, I've been looking forward to having this guest. She is a new mom and she happens to be my previous therapist slash psychologist. I've been dying to have her on here just because she helped me navigate so many of my own challenges after becoming a mom and just learning how to navigate our relationship and just that whole identity shift so much that I was like, I have to share her with everyone in our community. And today we're really focusing on how to navigate the challenges that can come up in relationships after having a baby. I feel like as much love and joy that babies bring to our relationship, it's honestly not talked about enough some of the challenges that also come along with it. And I feel like there's so much shame and maybe it's embarrassment that we hide thinking that maybe our relationship isn't right or we shouldn't be feeling this way. We have a new baby, like we should be so happy. And a lot of the time I feel like we keep these feelings from the people that are closest to us, most likely out of embarrassment or not wanting people to think differently of our relationship. But I guess today my goal is to just really reduce shame around some of those challenges that can come up, why they happen, and how to work through them in healthy ways, and just get the tools to really understand how to work through all of those different situations because nine times out of ten, we've all been through challenges that arise. You're probably sleeping less after having a baby, you're connecting less, your tension is higher, and there's so many emotions, and you're probably having less sex. Let's be real about that. And intimacy and connection and date nights, all of those things just it take on new legs and are probably not prioritized enough, rightfully so. You have this new life that you're giving so much of your time and attention to, but um, it's hard to kind of become get back to being afloat again, I guess. Um, so we have Dr. Bihar Amini here. She is a licensed psychologist, therapist for couples, individuals, and she also works in the ADHD space too, right? Yep, that's right. Did I introduce you well enough?
SPEAKER_00Yeah, that was great. Um, no, I'm so happy to be here. Thanks for inviting me. This is very exciting. It's very new for me to do something like this. Obviously, being a psychologist, a lot of the stuff that I do is private. I work um predominantly with individuals and couples, um, specializing in interpersonal trauma. So anything like relationally challenging, relational wounds from childhood, um adolescence to adulthood, anything that's getting in the way. And then another subspecialty that I have that I'm really known for is my ADHD specialty and working in therapy with people with ADHD. And that also comes up a lot in relationships. Um, when one individual has ADHD or both individuals have ADHD and it impacts the relationship. But I know that's not the topic for today, but that's another subset of my specialty. Um yeah, I'm really big, big topic to talk about. Um, I do want to like give a disclaimer just because I feel like we have so much to talk about that I am a psychologist, but to everyone listening, I'm not your psychologist. So I won't be able to capture all the nuances and the uniqueness of every single couple. Some things will totally resonate, others might not. Um, so what I love about my job is that it's not a cookie-cutter situation. And I get to work with couples and individuals and just honor their own challenges with unique resolutions. So I just want to put that out there because it's really easy to like listen to podcasts and be like, that does maybe sometimes apply or doesn't, or how do I make this like tailor it to my relationship? And if you're looking for that, seek your own care. Um, but hopefully, like whatever we share today and whatever I talk about will be helpful for people listening.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I always stay on here with everything just because we do have so many guests that obviously they have specific opinions. I'm always like, take what you like and leave what you don't, like this is not information that will resonate with everyone, and obviously, I feel like it's kind of like finding a relationship, finding the right psychologist or therapist for you. Um, but if you love everything Dr. B or Dr. Meanie, I call her Dr. B stands for today and just shares, you're also you you have openings for clients too. Like, do you do virtual?
SPEAKER_00I yeah, most all my clients are virtual, so it makes it really easy because I have clients from like here all the way to the Bay Area. Um, yeah, just reach out. Like my schedule flows and it just depends. But if you're interested looking for someone, if I don't even have availability, I have tons of really credible psychologists, network, friends that I can refer to. Um, but obviously if I do have the availability, happy to support someone if it's a good fit.
SPEAKER_01And we also can't ignore that you are a newish mom to a baby girl, Donya.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, yeah. So I have a six-month-old Donia. She's yeah, um, definitely taking a lot of our energy at this time. The first six months, as we know, are pretty brutal in terms of just like needs. But yeah, we're getting to that stage where she's a little bit more independent, she's like sleeping better. So we're getting, I'm getting my pink back. Like I love that. I love that phrase when I learned about it. Um, but yeah, so a lot of this, a lot of this is very like relevant to even like my own experience and just um, you know, the experience of people around me, my clients, people I know, family members. Um, so hopefully, if I get to share some stories too, that they'll resonate with other people, some of my own and some for other people.
SPEAKER_01Love it. So um to kick us off, I really wanted to touch on obviously, like, we will dive into a lot of the most common issues that relationships experience through having kids. Um, but before, I wanted to get your opinion on why you think these challenges arise after having kids and why this time can just be so emotionally charged and reactive when it comes to couples experiencing this newness.
SPEAKER_00Why they come up? I mean, this is a loaded question. So, like, why challenges come up for many, many reasons. And I think, like you said, like we have a bunch of like other little subtopics to talk about and what um and why they arise, but it's such a new like way of living. Like when you go from like a a two-pod to a three-pod and you add that additional person. I mean, we we are talking about babies here, but this is also relevant for anyone. Like, if you have a like a family member moving into your home and you have to caretake all of a sudden, right? When you become like a caretaker for another human being, the relationship dynamic shifts and it has to shift because you have to now accommodate this third, fourth, fifth individual into your life. Um, so that in itself is like why these challenges arise. I think like it's really hard to talk about, you know, um, and like why, like, why do people like have such a hard time admitting like relationship challenges? I think stigma is one thing. We don't talk about hard things. We've learned to like just put a smile on, go about your day. If you talk about it, maybe you're viewed as weak or you're judged and don't want to be judged. You don't want people to know that, like, oh, maybe our relationship is not as strong as it once was or people thought, like, maybe some I mean I hear this all the time with like we were a power couple and now we feel like we're falling apart and people still look at us as like a power couple. Um, and so these these shifts in how you view yourself, how your relationship is viewed, is vulnerable. And so when you think about like why is it so act like emotionally charged, why is it so activating, is because your identity is shifting.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. And just like hearing you say that, a lot of it I think comes from and the reasons why we don't tell the people closest to us, which is why like you you seek help, is because you don't want to feel almost like a failure in your relationship or like show the cracks because you know, you all know those people that gossip, like, oh, did you hear their relationship is having issues or this or that? Where why can't we all just be very honest instead of having to put on a front? Like, how are you guys doing in the news? Oh, everything's great, yeah. We the baby's great, we're great. It's like be so for real.
SPEAKER_00It would be so nice.
SPEAKER_01It's and it's exhausting having to try and put on that front. And I feel like I've talked about within reason with Scotty and I, like we've been like, oh yeah, we've gone through hardships, especially, you know, with multiple surprise blessing pregnancies that issues came up because a lot of it like we weren't prepared in that phase of life for, or we had so many other things going on, and so I feel like I've tried to be really honest on here to help people understand that like they are not alone in that. Yeah, and this is a safe space to be like zero judgment, like we all have issues, we all, you know, there's such highs with having kids, but then it's a disservice to not talk about the lows. Like, why do we talk about the highs so freely? But then the lows we have to hide and suffer through them through them alone.
SPEAKER_00Honestly, I think I would even go as far as saying like it's equal amount of highs and lows. Yeah. Like it's not even like mostly highs and mostly lows. Like, there's a balanced amount of highs and lows, and there's no way to not have challenges. I think like to be able to try and give off this impression that we can handle this 100% with no issues is unrealistic. It's irrational, it's delusional, actually. You know, I think it's so normal to have conflict. Disagreements are meant to happen. I don't think having disagreements is a problem. It's how you resolve the disagreement that is the challenge, right? And like it's normal to have four or five disagreements in a day, but how you work through them is what matters. And I mean, it's fair to say that like people don't want to air all their like dirty laundry. Totally. You know, like, no, I don't think you need to go and tell everybody like these are like the really vulnerable, intimate pieces of our lives that we're having issues with. But I do think it's really important to have a small group, even if they're not like in the same group, but a few people that you can like really trust and feel like understood and supported with, because it can be it could lead to isolation. And if we're talking about relationship challenges, if you're isolated, it can often lead to like worse problems and harder to resolve issues.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, you almost need a couple people in your circle that you can lean on during those dark hard times. Because also sometimes when it's all in your head and you're not talking through it, it feels 10 times heavier than talking it out loud. That was one thing that I learned so much from my sessions with you, is like, okay, I would go into it with this massive, massive issue in my head, and it would be the end of the world. And then you would teach me just like, okay, let's talk through it logically. Yeah. And then by the end of it, you'd be like, Well, how does this feel now? I'm like, oh, okay. So my world isn't crashing down and I'm not dying, and I'm not like a depressed ball of a mess.
SPEAKER_02No.
SPEAKER_01And so it's nice to have those people to share personal parts of what you're going through with. Um, just to kind of like unleash some of that weight that we carry from holding on it, holding on to it ourselves.
SPEAKER_00Oh my gosh, sounding boards are so necessary.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. You can't do this alone. No. And if you don't have those trusted people or people that you feel like the advice that they would give or the support that they would give is helpful, I mean, that's why like it's so I mean, I encourage every new mom or every new parent to seek therapy. Not just because I'm a psychologist. I'm like, don't even go to me, whatever. Like, go to somebody because you need the right support.
SPEAKER_01And what I love too is that you don't have to go to find a therapist or seek help just if things are bad. I remember coming into some of our sessions and you'd be like, what do you want to talk about? I'm like, I don't know. Everything sounds like feels fine. And you're like, wait, but I'm gonna teach you these tools. And we'd learned so many tools, and those were the sessions that I loved the most because I went in and I didn't feel like I had problems, but I gained so much more.
SPEAKER_03Oh, it's good.
SPEAKER_01It's like instead of talking through problems, I learned tools to apply to like all different aspects of my life. So you don't have to be going through issues to seek help. I loved the sessions where I went and thinking I have no issues and nothing to talk about. And I think that brought out things that I that weren't even on my radar.
SPEAKER_00Well, even talking about like what's going well.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Like what's going well, what did I do differently? What did I let go of that's helping me? You know, and a lot of that is like just for every individual. Like, what is it that's holding me back? What is it that's keeping me down? Am I happier because I let some of those things go? Or that I'm looking at them differently. And so even evaluating like what's working is so is so helpful, it's so beneficial.
SPEAKER_01It's like a life audit. Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_00Oh, I like I'm gonna take that. I love it. Yeah, it is okay.
Family Backgrounds Shape Parenting Conflicts
SPEAKER_01So to dive into some of the different like challenges or I guess bumps in the road that we may face, I wanted to start with kind of like the baggage that us as individuals might have that carry into a relationship. Kind of discussing, like, okay, who how you were brought up or how you viewed parenting based off of your parenting, like your mom and your dad, and maybe the traumas you had or the things you didn't get or the things you did have. You know, not every mom and dad relationship is amazing, and some people, you know, some come from divorced households, some come from where one parent wasn't really in the picture as much, or they weren't loved how they felt like they needed to be loved. All those things most likely impact their relationship and when they bring up their own kids. Sure. How how does I guess like different dynamics in their parenting past impact the relationship when they have kids?
SPEAKER_00Oh, in every way. In every way. So we're all different people. Even if like you have in a relationship, if both people come from divorced families, the divorce is still different, the relationship with the parent is different, gender roles are different. So different people come to a relationship with different backgrounds, different models of what a family looks like, or what a family like, what I want a family to look like, what I want a family not to look like. And they have this like idea of like, okay, I'm going into this, like, this is what's normal, this is what's not normal, this is what I want different. And it's really easy to kind of assume that like other people would also kind of have that same experience or same like idea of what a normal family is. And so that's what I see the most is like, well, in my family, like we did it this way, and so that's why I would assume that we would like do Sunday dinners, right? Like that was really important. Someone's like, We never ate Sunday dinners, like we we had dinner every night, like it wasn't just one, you know, whatever it may be. And so we bring those models, or some families, like they'll be like, I never had a family dinner, and whenever I envisioned a family of my own, I wanted to only do family dinners, and that's really important for me. And so your past is gonna always bring these like models of interaction to your future, to your present, to your future. And what couples like have to navigate and honestly like cooperate with each other is to bring those in and like collaboratively kind of create their own new normal, their own way of like how do we want our life to look? Um, and I hope I'm like getting at your like.
SPEAKER_01This is exactly what and when you're saying all of this, I'm like, oh my gosh, this is something that every couple needs to do before having kids. Yeah. To try and avoid some of these issues, but obviously more will come up during it because there's so many things that we don't even realize are built into our thinking of like what just perspective of like how we think we're gonna parent or how we're gonna be a family, and then we like bump heads over what like, oh well, I wanna do it. This perfect example, Scotty and I are talking about like public versus private school. I went to private, he went to public. We're putting Aspen into school soon, and it's not like this big topic of discussion, but we kind of like laugh about it. We're like, oh, well, is she going to pi private or is she going to public? Like, who's gonna win this? And so it's one of those things that I never thought about before, but it is something we're gonna have to make an agreement on eventually. Thankfully, it's like one of those more like light-hearted ones, but it's something.
SPEAKER_00It's actually a big one right now, especially with like all the pressures. But I think like this is where disagreements and conflict can arise like the most, is like when there's like this different persona of like, and there's no right or wrong. Like that's the thing, is like, is it is public school wrong? Is private school wrong? There is no right or wrong, they're just different and different perspectives. And so it really requires a lot of mental energy that a lot of parents probably don't have a lot of to use um to like really look at okay, why, why is it important? I'm gonna use your example. Why is it important to do a private school for me? Why do like what's my reasons for this? What are my reasons against it? And the same with the other one. What are my reasons for public school? What are my reasons against it? And like really looking at what may and then what makes sense for like our current circumstances.
SPEAKER_01Mm-hmm. Financial Exactly. Financial stability comes into it. Like, what can we afford? Are we doing it because we can or we can't?
SPEAKER_00Yep.
SPEAKER_01Even also like religion is probably a huge thing and celebrating certain I came from a family where my dad was Jewish or is Jewish. My mom was Christian, but she converted, but she still, you know, she also honored Christianity, also. Yeah. So they came up with we are celebrating all of the holidays, and I love that because I I felt so open-minded to all of that. And then we also went to a Catholic school, like we were like a hodgepodge. I took world religion, I learned about all religions. Um, but that's another one that comes up if they come from two different backgrounds, and they may think it works or they've talked through it before having kids, and then things shift and change.
SPEAKER_00Um because they really do like you might feel like a certain way, like, okay, we might have an agreement before the baby comes, and then you might feel differently. And it's really important to like talk about it. I I've I've had couples or individuals be like, I feel like I I promised this, but now I feel differently and I I can't take it back because now they're gonna, you know, they're gonna be like, You're a hypocrite for blah blah blah blah blah. And I'm like, no, thoughts and feelings can change, they're fluid, yeah, right? New information comes in, we can reevaluate our decisions, but these backgrounds that we come to relationships with impact every single decision that we make when it comes to caretaking, whether it be who takes care of the baby, how do we spend wake windows? Like, even something as simple as that, someone else might be like, just let them independently play. And someone's like, no, we need to like nurture their development, right? Like, well, they all of these things impact every single decision. And and then of course, like the traumas, like if you're coming into a relationship and into like parenthood with like past traumas, or if you have anxiety or depression or any sort of mental health issues, like that's gonna be amplified during pregnancy and postpartum for both. There's hormone shifts for both parents, and so that's another thing to really consider is like those are differences within each individual, too, like those those challenges, those mental health challenges and those like um historical wounds that come to come at play when a kid comes into the picture. Um, just expecting them to be amplified.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I feel like a lot of the issues that arise after having a kid are cracks that have been there before.
SPEAKER_00Yes.
SPEAKER_01And then they just crack bigger and bigger after having a baby, like you said, amplified.
SPEAKER_00Because you add a stressor, a baby, like you said perfectly, like in the beginning, it enhances in so many ways your identity or your life, and you know, like it's a beautiful thing, but also like your relationship was probably working well enough, and then you add a stressor, which is a baby, another stressor can be like the death of a loved one, um, a major like life transition, job loss. Yes, exactly. And when you add that stressor, it starts to highlight the things that weren't working well in the relationship because you don't have that, you've now passed the threshold of being able to handle it because now this added stressor just like puts you over the top and things start to crumble. And so you now you start to see those cracks. And the thing that like most parents, like they're like sometimes they want to like brush it under the rug or be like, where are these problems coming from? It's like, no, they were there, and maybe you were dealing with them okay, but now you need new ways to deal with them.
SPEAKER_01It makes you face everything instead of just kind of hiding it or like sweeping it under the rug, like we'll deal with that later. Yeah, it's like no, no, no, like you actually have to deal with it now, it's not going away.
SPEAKER_00And it makes sense to like want to sweep it, you know, you don't have energy, but just like it's kind of like that, like it's like mold, like it'll just kind of keep growing if it's unaddressed.
Gender Roles And The Resentment Trap
SPEAKER_01Yeah, you know. I want to dive into gender roles, okay. And sometimes let's let's maybe define some of the common gender roles or maybe the issues that you see when it comes to that.
SPEAKER_00Man, like the most like basic, right? Like it's traditional, like mom feeds, mom does the caretaking, father's the provider, um, you know, mom does all decision making when it comes to like most things related to carrying the baby. Maybe father is like making the decisions financially for the home. Um, those are probably the most like basic, but we see it in all sorts of ways. Who changes the diapers?
SPEAKER_01Well things are changing now too, you know. Women used to be the homemaker and the main caregiver, and now and and not saying it's everyone, you're if if your purpose and passion is still to be a stay-at-home to be a stay-at-home mom, that is I I would argue, and Scotty says the same, he's like, that is a harder job than most out there. 100%. He's like, I would rather work than be 100% responsible. It is so much work. So not to discredit that whatsoever. I I feel like if you put it's funny, it's like if you put uh we did it one time where it's you put like a salary on it where it's like full-time caregiver, but then also the chef and doing the laundry and housekeeper and all those were like, oh my gosh, it and chauffeur driver. Yes, no, it is it's no joke. Yeah, yeah. But now things are shifting where a lot of women are working. And there are situations where there's stay-at-home dads and the moms are the breadwinners. And I think in especially in those situations, there can be some tension where like the men don't feel they feel a little more emasculated, and or at least from what I've heard in situations of when the women kind of take on the career goal, yeah.
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_01But gender roles, I think everyone's situation is so different, but it does bring up some tension in the world.
SPEAKER_00It does totally do. Some of that's just like because of the society we live in. I mean, with maternity leave and paternity leave, it's already kind of handed to you that like moms have a longer time at home, and so naturally they're gonna do a lot more of the caretaking, they're gonna gain that experience that the fathers don't have that same time. They're like super time limited with the baby, and therefore, like we fall into these default roles because of just the way the society has like outlined it for us, and then it stays that way because that's just like now it's what's become familiar, and then it'll continue that way until someone's like, hold on, I'm doing too much. So we fall into it so easily, even when we go into thinking we're gonna do this equally. We can't, we can't do it equally just because of the way society is. If both parents are have the same amount of time off, which like I'm seeing more and more like paternity leave being longer, still not very popular, but I'm seeing it more often, like even just two months or three months instead of like the regular two weeks. Parents can be really intentional about like dividing and conquering tasks because they want, they said beforehand that we're not gonna be like falling into regular gender roles or normal gender roles, but then they go back to work and then mom's suck with the baby at home, or like just yeah, doing more.
SPEAKER_01Um that's when resentment builds. It does. We have we're if I didn't address this yet, we're doing a big, we're calling it Free B with Dr. B. Um, and we're doing almost like a three free therapy session where you guys submitted questions and Dr. B is gonna answer them. And this this is one of them is a topic of resentment, so we'll get to that. But I feel like a lot of the time when moms feel like they're just doing more, like they have help at the beginning, the it seems more 50-50, and then when you kind of have to go back to quote unquote like normal life, yeah, more weight gets put on the mom, and it causes a lot of feelings of overwhelm and resentment, and it's tough. I mean, the gender roles of and especially also moms, like I think we just intuitively know how to do things more, or if the baby's crying, it's biological, it's biological, it's survival, it's how men kind of somehow sleep through the baby crying, but the moms jump up because they, you know, and then it's like, well, why didn't you why couldn't you get up? And it's like, actually, there's a biology. It's totally made that way. Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, it's totally made that way. So there's like that piece too, right? It's like we are wired to be attending to this child to keep this child alive, and like the male figure is like wired to like protect the family, you know, and like to provide. So we can't ignore biology. And so some of that's like I tell clients, like, yeah, he's not gonna jump up, but you can also be like, hey, yeah, now now it's your turn, right? Like, don't expect him to be a mom. Yes, don't expect him to have that genetic, you know, predisposition to like attune to the baby. But if you've made an agreement, yeah, you're gonna have to be like, hey, go do this.
SPEAKER_01Sometimes I think us as women just expect our partners to read our minds and know exactly what we want. Biggest position. And I think that's when we get into the biggest little tiffs because we're like, well, I would just assume that you would wake up because I've been doing it every single night. Like you could just do it one night. But a lot of the time we just have to like, what's the harm in just like the nudge, or like, hey, you got it this time. But for some reason it's so hard for us. We just expect that they will handle something for us when we want it silently.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, it's the mental load, right? Like, it's just like the mental load of like feeling like I have to remind them. But like, that's where like communication is the number one piece. And I say this because people are like, oh yeah, communication, communication, blah, blah, blah, blah. Like, as therapists, we're constantly saying, like, you need better communication skills. We're not taught how to communicate, we're not taught how to listen. So, like, this is a learned skill and one that like I think we take for granted. So, really, it's gonna come back down to how are we communicating needs, how are we communicating the roles and responsibilities, and like when we're feeling overwhelmed and flooded. But this will take work. And one thing I would I kind of want to say, like, even to listeners, like, if you want your partner who doesn't get much time with the baby because of work or because of something else, to learn how to do things, you have to let them learn how to do things, they have to do it to gain the experience and the confidence that they can do it without you, and that part is like one of the hardest parts for moms.
Control, Mental Load, Letting Them Learn
SPEAKER_01Okay, that was my next like subtopic that I really wanted to get into is control, which leads to resentment. And I think all of us moms have been in this situation at least once, especially in the early days, where we are so used to doing things the majority of the time, like changing the diapers or feeding the baby, all those things that we expect our partners to do it exactly like we do it. Otherwise, we go, we see red and we get so frustrated, like you're doing it wrong. And it leads to fights, and they're like, I'm just feeding the baby, the baby's being fed. What am I doing wrong? Right? Or I just changed the diaper. How would you like me to do that? Yes. And I fell victim to it, especially your first baby. And it's kind of like you're a little territorial, you want them to do it, but then they're also not doing it right, so it's not good enough. So then you're like, I'm just gonna do it. And then you're mad. And then you're so pissed.
SPEAKER_00Because you're like, I had to do it, I ended up doing it.
SPEAKER_01And then you hate them breathing. Yep, but they're just trying to help. One, are these feelings valid or not? And then two, how do we navigate getting out of that?
SPEAKER_00Yeah, feelings very valid. It's very I and I think about this as like, when is this happening? Is it like, why is it so important for our partner to do it the way we do it? Like, that's step one. Like, why do I feel so strongly about the way they're holding or rocking or soothing, whatever this baby? Is it because that tends to have the most success? Like, if we're having feeding challenges with a child, and I've learned that like holding her this way and feeding her with the angle that like a 45, whatever the hell, like 43 yeah. Just like that, is the best way for her to like stay latched to a bottle and you don't do it that way. I'm afraid that she's not gonna eat, right? But it is like physically impossible for my husband to hold the baby in this because he's I'm 5'2, he is six two, and he's bigger. Like, you just can't, you can't like expect things to be the like he has different hands, he has different body. My eye twitch voice.
SPEAKER_01Oh, literally, it's like nails on a chalkboard. I have to leave the room.
SPEAKER_00Him reading a book sounds different, like everything is different, but it's so hard because like for very and this is where like every mom's gonna have a different reason. Why, why is it so important for them to do it that way? Is it because I'm worried that they're gonna miss something? Okay, and if they do, what could happen? Like, let's play the tape forward, let's play the tape forward so how to navigate play then what will will everyone be okay? Is the goal for him to like learn how to do this? Like, is the goal feed the baby? Okay, the goals feed the baby. You find your way to do it because you're not gonna be able to do it like me. And the more I step in and try to make you like me, the more we're gonna fail.
SPEAKER_01That's such a good point.
SPEAKER_00But it is so hard in practice.
SPEAKER_01There's also not one right way to do everything. And I remember in my early days of parenting, um, I would get so upset the way Scotty held the baby. Like he would, no matter what the age was, he'd hold it like a subway foot-long sandwich. And I'm like, dude, that baby is almost a year old, like you can hold it upright. He's like, I just like holding the baby this way, the baby's just like a little like meer cat, and I'd just be so pissed. And um, but anyways, like I also realized a lot when it came to soothing that I would try to tell Scotty to do it one way, that I would always just try to hyperfixate and do it that way. And then, like, there's also the magic of the dad's touch at the same time when you stop trying to control every situation, there were mo so many moments that Scotty would do things way better than me and would get the baby to stop crying quicker, would get the baby to sleep better, would get the baby to feed better. If I just let him work his way, absolutely, and I would have never figured that out if I didn't just like chill the heck out for a second. Yeah. And I was like, oh, okay, so his way actually does work, and I need to stop like harassing him over that. And so I it does take practice, and I mean, there's still things that come up where I'm like, can you just get our toddlers to freaking eat and not do it that way, just do it this way?
SPEAKER_00And sometimes it's not about who, like how you do it, it's who's doing it. Like, yes, babies are gonna have preferences, toddlers are gonna have preferences, and it can be really frustrating too. Like, sometimes they're just not gonna want like there's moments where Donia like doesn't want me, like she just wants my husband, and I'm like, What happened? You just wanted me like all day yesterday, but at the same time, like I'm fine, like take him, like go. Yes, just just you know, do it. And he does a lot of things that I can't do. I mean, she's stronger, he's got more stamina. And I'm like, great, like there are things that you can do, I can't do. You can hold her, put her on your shoulders, flip her around, like whatever. Like, I'm not doing that, like, yeah, and it doesn't have to be a conversation.
SPEAKER_01And it intervenes her, yes, and I love it, it gives us a break, yes.
SPEAKER_00So, but it is, I think it's especially hard in the beginning in the newborn stage to relieve, like, relinquish that control, and just going back to why is it so important for me for him to do it this way? And am I willing to accept the fact that I'm gonna do all of it if I don't let them do it their own way?
SPEAKER_01Not me. I can't, yeah, not with three. I think that's like the biggest part of this whole thing is okay, you fighting them over that control or the way it's just gonna put more on your plate. So there needs to be some give and take.
SPEAKER_00And understand that like no one wants to put the baby in danger.
SPEAKER_01No, and they're not gonna die if they're fed a separate way. No, it might take a couple minutes longer.
SPEAKER_00That like nails on a chalkboard, like crying for a little bit longer. Yeah. Just walk out of the room.
SPEAKER_01Yes, yes.
SPEAKER_00Just leave.
SPEAKER_01Okay, so it is valid, but there are ways and reasons why, or or I guess like questions we should ask ourselves of like why we're feeling this way and what's the worst or the best thing that can happen out of it.
SPEAKER_00Play the tape forward. Yeah, play the tape forward, what happens, and and be really honest with yourself. Like, and am I willing to then just like deal with it if I don't? You know, like sometimes you might just say, screw it, I'm I'm gonna be the one to do this for all of them, and eventually this is all temporary and it'll end. So play it forward, learn to regulate. A lot of it's our own emotion regulation.
SPEAKER_01I love that advice. Okay, so next I want to get into feeling disconnected as a couple after having a baby. There's so much more on our plate, we're so tired, we're juggling so many more things. Why do people why do couples feel like they are two ships passing by each other at night? How do we work through that? How do we get out of that phase of feeling disconnected, like we are somewhat strangers? Yeah, it's a really lonely and isolating feeling.
SPEAKER_00It is. It's a sad part. When I would say, like, just know that it's gonna happen. Like it's gonna happen in the beginning. Everyone's sleep deprived, everyone's hormones are like dysregulated, everyone's anxious. And especially like the two ships passing the night thing is like when you see most and like you're taking shifts, like right, like when and you're doing that because it's the only way to survive. Because if one person does it all, they're like a shell of a human, and the other person's thrive, and then resentment builds, right?
SPEAKER_01It's supposed to be easier and create a little bit of relief for each other.
SPEAKER_00Exactly. So the disconnect is coming from a place of like collaboration, you know, if that's why we're doing it. And recognize that that's temporary. Just like really hold on to like this is temporary. And if you're noticing that that's happening, like I don't know if anyone, if you watched Avatar, like what, but like I love the phrase like I see you, and something as simple as that to just be like, I know we don't get the time together, I know we're not like cuddling in bed, like because we're so exhausted, but like I see you and I appreciate you, and this is temporary, yeah. But it is it is part of it when you have a newborn, like the disconnect is gonna happen.
SPEAKER_01It feels no, it's not yeah, like absolutely. I remember I'm such an early bird when it comes to like going to sleep, and Scotty's a night owl, so I would go to sleep at nine, he'd take like just say the 10 feet, and then I'd wake up at at midnight and hopefully he'd be asleep by then, and it's like you'd never see each other, and or if we did, it would either be zombies, or I just remember us walking down our like lonesome hall and just being like, Hey, hey, you good, you good? Okay, bye. And one thing that really helped us that I think you taught us was just like reminding each other that you're doing a good job, or reminding one like picking out one thing that they're doing well of like, hey, thank you for this, thank you for this. Yeah, and for some reason, every time we would do that, it was almost like a boost of energy, almost like oh, I feel seen. Like you're like your your quote, I s I see you. Yeah, and I think that's one of the hardest parts. When couples are feeling so disconnected, are there simple ways that during that phase to reconnect a little bit, even if it's a couple minutes fitting it into their days?
SPEAKER_00I think that's it. Like what we like what I you know shared and like what you do is just gratitude. Like, take that time, pick a pick a time of day if you can, whether and it's something that you're always doing, whether it be like when we're eating, when we're brushing our teeth, whatever, at the end of the day, just say, like, this, you know, this went well today. I really appreciate thank you for doing this, or just, or even if it's like not even a thank you, it's like, hey, I saw you do X, Y, and Z, and I just want to say, like, I really appreciate you for all the work that you're doing, even if it's the same phrase, it doesn't have to be new, like, oh, I have to come up with something new every day. No, say the same thing. I appreciate you for all that you do for our children today for did and I appreciate you for all you did for our family today. Thank you. Um, so like I just say, like, just do that. Like, I don't I don't know if we need a bunch of different strategies because that in itself like works wonders for any couple.
SPEAKER_01Um, we also don't have 30 minutes in our day to try to reconnect every single day. Sometimes it's only a couple minutes, or if you are two ships passing at night, one thing that Scotty does is he writes me a letter that he and puts it next to my coffee mug, where in the perfect world he'd sometimes make me coffee in the morning, but he has works till two or three in the morning, so he can't. So his way of improvising is putting the note next to the coffee cup that he knows I'm gonna make. So every morning, even if we don't have time to say it face to face, I'll wake up to his gratitude.
SPEAKER_00And that's super sweet. Like, you know, like they some partners are really good at stuff like that, you know? And some partners are just not.
SPEAKER_01Oh, it's taken us years, yeah. Like literally years like to get to this.
SPEAKER_00So it's not like someone just naturally can do that, and I think it and it's different strengths, but just that I see you and I appreciate you is so helpful, but also just naming that this disconnect is temporary, and when we feel and just kind of keep coming back to it, because I think the other problem is like, well, we've been disconnected, we're no longer in the newborn stage anymore, but we're still disconnected. And so I think like it's like kind of like every month reevaluate like, are we do we still need to be as disconnected as we are? Like, should we maybe now be more intentional about connecting? Do we have the bandwidth to do so? If we don't, let's talk about it. Why don't we? Like, if you're at like six months or a year and you still don't have bandwidth and you don't have another child, another newborn, and you still don't have the bandwidth to like attend to your relationship, something's up. Yeah, someone's needs aren't being met, and or they're taking on too much, and things need to be reevaluated.
SPEAKER_01I think that's a great point because I think it's more expected to have that disconnection at the beginning. You kind of go into it being like, totally get it. We have this newborn, but it's almost heightened when you're out of that phase, but it's still there. It's like now what's wrong with us? The baby's sleeping through the night, yet I still feel farther away from you than ever before. And it almost becomes, you become almost like immune to it. It's just like it takes on just like normal life. It's your new normal.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_01And then someone at some point, like the bubble has to burst, and someone loses it, or is like, I miss you. I miss you. That's really what it is. I miss you. My needs aren't being met. Or it's like, I miss you in the form of like anger and frustration.
SPEAKER_00Yep.
SPEAKER_01But it's it's masked as that. But if you were to unravel it, it is like I miss you and our what our relationship used to be.
Hyperfixation, Postpartum Anxiety, Social Media
SPEAKER_00That's exactly it. It's like I feel like a lot of couples don't have those words to say, like, that's what it was underneath, is that I miss you, or I miss what we had. I miss our previous life. And there is a grief component to that. Like, we do have to grieve and like let go and say goodbye to that chapter, like pre-children, yeah, or pre-caretaker. It's not gonna happen again, but we can create a new, a new relationship. Our relationship will look different, but yeah, it's not gonna be the way it was. Yeah, we do have other things to consider.
SPEAKER_01It's true, and it kind of leads me into the next topic I wanted to talk about because sometimes one partner is in agreement of that, and one's like, this is our new normal, this is our baby. A lot of the time moms become hyperfixated on a baby, and it can lead to issues in the relationship. Do you want to describe how hyperfixation on like just focusing on the baby and kind of not ignoring the relationship, but just deprioritized how that becomes an issue in a relationship or maybe why it is unhealthy for a relationship?
SPEAKER_00You know, I see it more and more now, and I think a big contributor, because one, there's already the hormonal shift like that makes you do that, two, you're doing at the whole newborn stage, so like you just kind of continue the hyperfixation throughout if no one stops you. The isolation will continue that if you're like in your own head and people aren't there to say, like, whoa, I think you're obsessing over like the baby's rash, you know, like this is normal. Um, so it happens when and for multiple reasons, a lot of it is like the postpartum anxiety. I think people underestimate the power of postpartum anxiety and postpartum depression, and also just like how common it is. Even when you're like so headstrong, and I and I can say this like as a psychologist, I see people all like across the spectrum of resilience and just like emotion regulation, you can't fight your hormones. Yeah, if they're happening, it's the roller coaster is happening, so it's so easy to hyperfixate and to not seek help and to not get yourself out of that bubble. Biggest challenge. And when you're in that stage, yeah, it's like everything else is it's just tunnel vision and nothing else matters, and it's like me and my baby, and you all can go die, like go to hell. I'm I'm gonna just focus on this one thing. But if you're neglecting the relationship as a result for a prolonged period of time, it's gonna suffer. And then it's not really anymore, like the issues aren't about like who's feeding the baby or how you're feeding the how much milk the baby's getting. It's about the parent who can't seem to like let go of the anxiety related to feeding. And so when I see the hyperfixation, we have to address the anxiety first and Regulate. Am I getting at the question? Absolutely. It's it's like went on a tangent.
SPEAKER_01Triggering um my postpart of anxiety and a lot of depression after bash where it's just all consuming. It's all you can think about, and you're not even aware that you're distancing yourself from friends, family, your partner, and you're isolated. Like it is so isolating. It's so all-consuming. And it's interesting because after my issues mentally with aspen, I went into it with bash, feeling knowledgeable and feeling prepared, being like, I I know how I felt when I got into this phase, I know how to handle it. No. No. The second time was 10 times worse and 10 times harder. Where I my anxiety, I couldn't get out of bed every single morning. I was, I'd wake up and I would just be like another day.
SPEAKER_00I don't want I like you'd wake up and I'd just be like and it's like Groundhog's Day because it's like the same thing every single day, same feeding, same napping, same chai baby, like it is different baby, different circumstances. Like, sure, there are things that get easier as you like learn and you're no longer that first-time mom, but the hormonal shifts, so hard to control.
SPEAKER_01I mean, like you're being brainwashed by your hormones.
SPEAKER_00The other, that's the other piece I was gonna say is like what makes it even harder, I think now that's worse is media.
SPEAKER_03Mm-hmm.
SPEAKER_00Like, I know we're like on media right now, which is like funny, but like the media that because if you think about like what media advice is giving you, of like the biggest one I'm seeing right now, and and I I hear constantly is this freezer stash of milk, right? And the need to have a freezer stash of breast milk. And if you don't, you're failing as a mom, or like your supply is not enough, right? And people hyperfixate now on like pumping enough to have a freezer stash. And I think this is a media issue more than anything, because if when media wasn't showing you like this mom has a deep freezer of like, you know, 200 bags or ounces of milk, whatever, you wouldn't have thought that like that was what I'm aiming for.
SPEAKER_01And it's a comparison of like, well, she's doing that. Is she a better mom? She has more milk. What is she doing that I'm not doing?
SPEAKER_00And anxiety will look for anything that it can grasp onto and be like, you're not enough. You're not enough, you're not enough. So I think the hyperfixation is biological in some ways, right? Like, it's just like the the hormonal shift and then just trying to keep the baby alive. But then these other influences that are happening and and contributing to that, it'll it'll hook on and it makes it even harder to manage and it becomes overwhelming and overstimulating. And so, and what's tough is like some partners, but I think you're you're it's all phrasing, right? Like, I think you're exaggerating or you're overreacting, or you need to calm down. God forbid. God forbid. You hear you need to calm down.
SPEAKER_01Calm down is like saying F you to someone's face in the mom world, and then it's like you don't understand, right? So you don't feel heard no or understood. You're like, why are you taking how I feel almost as a joke or like rolling your eyes at it where it's such a big issue to me, but not to you. Yes, and then it just spirals, yeah.
SPEAKER_00So, and then that contributes to the hyperfixation because now I don't feel supported by my partner, so now I feel even more alone in this. So big things are like just learning how to um how to communicate with your partner when they're going through a hyperfixation in a way that will help them come out and see the light, like kind of help them come out of that tunnel. Because I think every woman is capable of being rational and being taken out in a supportive way, in a way that works for them. But when they're in isolation and they're all they're doing is scrolling because they're like they're nursing the baby, and so all I can do is scroll and just like keep getting that information, it's super hard.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, and ever it's all about delivery too. I feel like exactly like don't say what is wrong with you is not gonna work, but like, hey, I see that you're getting really wrapped up, really wrapped up, or like very big emotions on this specific thing. Can we do you want to talk through it together so we can think of a a plan that makes sense or figure out why we're feeling this way and if that's valid? And yeah, no, in the moment though, poof.
SPEAKER_00Well, and even if like, and I think it's like the pressure to feel like you have all the right answers, and partners don't always have all the right answers. Like, I think I had a similar like, I don't even know, like, what is this nap schedule right? Is that not? And and my husband would be like, Who can we talk to about this that has the right information that's like not your media, yeah, that can actually help answer this question? And so he didn't have to come up with like the answer or tell me like no, like it's fine, we should just do this. He's like, Who can who can you call right now or today to get the right the quote unquote right answer or like the most I don't know, we're we're science-based, like the most scientific answer, right? Um, and that way, like you can feel like you and then make a decision.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, you know, it's like just help us find a pathway to the solution. Yep. And it's it's so hard because there are 50 different ways of getting a baby to nap, or or 50 different schedules, or when it comes into introducing solids, where it's purees versus um baby-led weaning, and what do you introduce first? And this, like there are so it's it's it's information overload where you will read 10 different things on the same subject and why their way is right. Yep. And it makes our heads spin and it causes so much anxiety of like, are we doing this right or are we not? Or then when maybe partners have different opinions on how to do things. That's another thing that I mean we can touch on hopefully I think in the QA, but it's like when two partners don't want to compromise and think their way is right, what do you do there? So we'll bite our tongue for a second because I know that's coming up later. But there's just so many things that cause hyperfixation and anxiety.
SPEAKER_00Like, you want to be the best parents. It all comes from a place of love. You want to be the best parents for the baby, you want to do whatever you can to help the baby thrive. But the most important thing for the babies to have healthy parents, um, that's that's gonna help the baby most is for mom and dad to be or mom and mom or dad and dad to be healthy and to be more sound. That's gonna be that's gonna lead to like the best outcomes, not which puree can be like you know, brand did I give my baby. And I'm I might get pushback on that because I feel like there's definitely a lot again. I think it's all marketing.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_00I'm I'm much more about like let's be real humans. Yes. Instead of instead of falling traps to like the marketing practice.
SPEAKER_01Refreshing. It's what all of us people should do from a logical standpoint.
SPEAKER_00Which formula to give my baby, like the goal is feed the baby.
Communication Tools And Cooling Off Fights
SPEAKER_01Yeah, you know, focusing more on the end result than how you get there, I guess. Yes. Um, okay, well, why don't we dive into kind of some practical tools? Okay. Um, with how to navigate challenges, I guess. These could be from maybe tools to discuss with your partner before having kids or tools to discuss when you're having kids. Yeah, where I guess my question is do you have any healthy tools that help couples navigate challenges before resentment gets too deep?
SPEAKER_00Communicate. This is where I'm gonna sound like a broken record. Communication. Communicate early, and if you didn't and you notice resentment's building, communicate right away.
SPEAKER_01How and what I guess like communicate could mean so many different things where are you lashing out like I'm frustrated?
SPEAKER_00It might be, I mean, it might be, but I think this is where like the foundation of a relationship needs to be strong. But there's a need not being met. If resentment's building, there's a need not being met, or like someone's needs aren't being met, or they feel like overwhelmed. And so learning to just be able to say, like, I'm like state how you're feeling. I'm feeling overwhelmed. State your intentions first. If I say like in terms of being a healthy way and ways to like disarm the other person so it doesn't feel like you're like attacking the other person is saying You're not helping me enough. Yeah, like that, that you can get there, right?
SPEAKER_01Like, well, I'm saying that is like I we could rephrase that, right?
SPEAKER_00But instead of can I can I have a like a moment with you? I'd like first always ask, like, do you have a moment? I think one of the biggest challenges I see is like when couples decide to like drop a bomb on the other partner. Are you in a space where you are able to receive the information that's about to come to you or are you distracted? Even like with moms, like if if the dad comes and says, like, hey, you know, and tries to tell you something, but you're like consumed in something else, like it's not a you're not gonna respond well. Hey, do you have a minute? Can I talk to you about something that's been on my mind or really bothering me? It's coming from a place of love, and I'm just looking for understanding and support. Can you hear me out? I sometimes have to like write that template out, and I don't care if they say a verbatim, but that's what they're trying to say, and that's what sets the tone. So communicate early and say, I'm feeling really overwhelmed by the fact that I've been doing all the feedings, I've been doing all the diaper changes, I've been doing all the putting down to bed, like to sleep. I need I don't have a minute to myself. Like, I really need some help here. And that's where then the other partner has to like learn this listening skills of like I hear you. That does sound like a lot, like validate, right? Sound like a lot. Is there a space that we can like let's reevaluate and see if there's anything I can do or what we can bring in do differently to give you some more time? Sometimes the overwhelm is also like something that the partner can't do anything about. Like, I'm like, if you're exclusively nursing, I'm just so overwhelmed by the fact that I'm so overstimulated physically, I'm touched all the time, my boobs hurt. Like, I just feel like I'm a milk machine and I just feel really like frustrated by this. Partner can't like you can't put a boob on your partner, right? Like that it's not like they're like, let me hey, I see you, you're right, that is a lot, you're doing a great job. Just that appreciation can help mitigate some of that resentment.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, sometimes you just want to vent, sometimes you don't, you're not even looking for them to help solve the issue.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, you know, so that's like the practical tool is just communicating early on, and then okay, do you want to see if you can pump and I can feed the baby and you can go get a massage? Like, whatever, or like maybe I could do more diaper changes, or and this is where again the relinquishing control, like if you want them to do more, like let them do more. So another practical tool is like let them ask them, tell them.
SPEAKER_01On the flip side, what are some signs that a couple is handling conflict in an unhealthy way?
SPEAKER_00If the conflict continues to arise, if the same problem is arising over and over and over and over again, I wanna say unhealthy way, it's an un unproductive way, like inefficient way. Like, or they're not getting at the right, the root of the problem. So if you have the same argument over and over and over again, we're not addressing the underneath. Like it's I'm gonna say this again, like it the issue isn't like how much we're feeding the baby, the issue is like maybe the underlying anxiety around feeding the baby, you know. So if the same argument's coming up and we haven't found a way to like resolve it, then we're not f solving the right problem. And unhealthy and there's there is no perfect, like it's normal for couples to be frustrated with each other and like separate and be like, we're not communicating well right now, we need to take a break. The unhealthy thing is to take a break and never come back. Always come back. Always talk about it.
SPEAKER_01That made me think of situations where sometimes I think partners avoid conflict resolution because when they bring something up, it always ends badly because of defensiveness or the other person kind of being like a hothead where it just escalates the situation. You taught us some tools of like what to do if it just get like the conversation just keeps getting more heated and more heated and more heated of it taking a step back. You need to take a step back. And how wasn't it something about like a certain amount of minutes? And then if it's like a text of like, are you ready? Are you ready? If not, then more what is your situation for when emotions are so heightened and the conversation is just getting worse and worse.
SPEAKER_00Just you need a break. This is gonna be specific to each couple, like this is where like some of those nuances, like what is gonna work for each couple, is gonna maybe differ. And so some you have to catch it. First, you have to catch the fact that you've escalated beyond. Like, if you're seeing red, you're no, you're no longer being rational. You're not saying things that are productive, you could actually say things that are harmful. So you don't mean to and I say, like I tell my ADHD clients this all the time like, don't make decisions when feeling strong emotions. Because whether it be joy, sadness, anger, whatever, when you're feeling strong emotions, you're making decisions that are like probably not well thought through, right? Whether it be deciding to, you know, buy something or say something. So when you're feeling really activated, it takes a lot of restraint. But like when couples agree to say, when that happens, we're gonna take a space, you come up with a code word and you say, or or not, you say, we need space, and both need to agree that this is the time to take space. If someone else is falling, like walk away, like leave the space. Nothing productive is coming from that. You need to calm down and you need to come back and say, What was the issue at hand? Let's try again.
SPEAKER_01It takes a lot of practice, especially when I feel like one person wants to take a break and what like when they fight differently, I guess, where one wants to solve the issue right then and there.
SPEAKER_00Because they can't regulate on their own. And that's where like individual regulation is so important. Like, if the one person's like, I can't let you walk away until because I'm not gonna be able to go on about my day, then I'm like, we need to work on your regulation skills. This is just an argument.
SPEAKER_01So that would be like individual work of okay, yeah, that makes sense.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, I mean, most couples I usually try to encourage them to like see an individual therapist.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_00In addition to, um, and that's where like I see a lot of individuals who are also in couples therapy with another therapist because like you have your own stuff to work through, and then also you take that stuff individually and then bring it to your couple sessions as well. Like, whether it be insight that you've like learned and now you want to bring it into the couple session, or like you learned something in the couple sessions that you need to unpack and practice on your own in your individual work.
Hope, Gratitude, And Closing
SPEAKER_01Okay, so we've been talking a lot, and I do want to get into the QA's, the freebie with Dr. B. I think we're gonna turn that into a part two. I'll make it come out 24 hours later, just to make sure that each episode kind of ties a bow on its own thing and isn't information overload. I feel like we've talked about a lot of dense, serious things, and it's so important that I don't want to just overwhelm everyone in one episode. So to leave us here, what is one piece of advice that you want couples to hear from you that might currently be feeling like they are in the thick of navigating issues with their partner and it feels never ending, and they're just kind of losing hope a little bit. I know that sounds so sad, but I think we've all felt that way at one point where it just kind of you you lose hope in where you're on, like, is this ever going to end? And I kind of want it to be like this is so normal still. Like you are not, you know, you are not at the end of your road. There's always a way to climb out of it. What do you want to tell that person listening?
SPEAKER_00Uh man, it is so sad, and it is so true that like it is so normal to feel this way. Um, I mean, we I've been in it, anyone I know has been in it, where you're just like, is this when is this gonna end? Like, when am I gonna when are we gonna feel normal again? And I think like if there's one thing I could say is like rema constantly remind yourselves together that this is temporary. Keep checking in, keep showing gratitude, keep reevaluating how we can work together to survive this stage. And this is gonna happen not just in the new, but there's gonna be different stretches and periods of time where like you're gonna feel so withdrawn. And I think I've shared this with almost like every couple and like even clients and relationships and individuals is like a relationship isn't about just like staying connected all the time, but being in a relationship is making a commitment to disconnecting and reconnecting over and over and over again. So the disconnect is normal, the feeling like we're just depleted is normal, but then there's a commitment to then reconnect and the commitment to like refuel over and over and over again, not just once, not just twice, but like so many times throughout your life in your relationship. And so if you think about it that way, it can feel less like we're failing because we keep you know feeling like we're just not where we want to be. Um, but we're actually doing the right thing for our relationship, which is the commitment to continue and the commitment to keep trying.
SPEAKER_01We're not broken, we're just finding our footing again. Well, thank you so much. Yeah, you guys. This this episode and this conversation was so informative. So fun. I feel like it was just so real, and I love having these real conversations and just being able to even like anonymously be in the ears of our female listeners and males, if you want to share this with your partner, I feel like that would be beneficial as well.
SPEAKER_00Probably helpful, yeah.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. So you can find Dr. B on her. Is your website the best way?
SPEAKER_00Probably the best way, yep. Aminipsychology.com.
SPEAKER_01I'll put it in the show notes as always. And if you are listening on a Tuesday when this comes out, tomorrow the part two will come out with this QA. Otherwise, if you're listening to this later, it's probably already available. So stay tuned for episode two where we do a QA freebie with Dr. B on navigating challenges in relationships after having babies. Thank you guys.
