THE MILK
Welcome to The Milk- the podcast that pours it all out: the messy, the magical, & the mildly unhinged moments of motherhood and womanhood. Real talk, honest stories, and reminders that none of us really know exactly what we’re doing- and that’s kinda the best part! I’m Tayla- your host and mom of soon to be three. So let’s laugh, learn, and milk this season of life for all that it’s worth.
THE MILK
Ep. 18 Free Couples Therapy: Relationship Questions, Answered by Licensed Psychologist Dr. Bahaur Amini (Part 2)
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We're back with two episodes this week babes! We're here with a Part 2 with licensed psychologist, Dr. Bahaur Amini. A couple of weeks ago you ladies submitted your (anonymous) relationship questions and struggles in hopes of getting some professional insight. So today is the day- Dr. B dishes out some freebie advice and valuable tools to help talk you through the situations so many of us go through yet feel so alone in.
We dig into high-stakes parenting disagreements like vaccines and medicine, how to stop "keeping score", what to do when resentment is the big elephant in the room, how to rebuild intimacy when you're constantly too tired, & so much more.
More Of What We Discuss:
- clarifying shared values before making high-stakes parenting decisions like vaccines and medicine
- the impact of banning “always” and “never,”
- making invisible labor visible with the Fair Play cards and dividing tasks more objectively
- a simple boundary rule for dealing with in-laws issues
- date night expectations
- navigating one partner wanting another baby and making it a true joint decision
- exploring loss of attraction
- trying a reset code word to stop escalation and take a break
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Welcome Back And Q And A Setup
SPEAKER_01Welcome to The Milk, the podcast that pours it all out. The messy, the magical, and the mildly unhinged moments of motherhood and womanhood. Real talk, honest stories, and reminders that none of us really know exactly what we're doing. And that's kind of the best part. I'm Taylor, your host, and soon-to-be mom of three. So let's laugh, learn, and milk the season of life for all that it's worth.
SPEAKER_02Hi ladies, welcome back to part two. We decided to split up this episode because there was just so much goodness that we wanted to get to everything. If you listened to the part one, or maybe you hadn't, we have Dr. Biharamini with us today. She's a licensed psychologist, and we've been talking about navigating challenges in relationships after having babies. If you haven't listened to part one, 100% go listen to part one first, I would say, and then come back to this QA. So this episode is solely dedicated to getting questions from our audience regarding this topic, and we're doing a little freebie with Dr. B where she's giving free therapy advice, and your questions will be answered by a licensed psychologist. So welcome back, even though we've been sitting here for over an hour.
SPEAKER_03There's a lot to talk about.
SPEAKER_02Yes. As well. Because we got so many questions. It was so hard to nail all of them down and make sure that we kind of tried to answer as many as possible. I tried my hardest to incorporate some of the ones that aren't answered in this in the previous episode.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
Big Parenting Choices Without Compromise
SPEAKER_02So we're trying to get through 10 right now. Yep. And if we have a little bit more time, we'll add some in. But I feel like these are such great questions. And I tried to make sure that we highlighted the ones that I got the most common. So if it isn't specifically your question, it is probably very similar, just stated in a little bit different of words. Okay, so let's get started. The first question that we got from our audience is what to do when you disagree about choices where you can't compromise with your partner. So the examples that we got were vaccines and medicine, like one is pro-tylenol and one is totally against it.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, this is probably obviously one of the biggest challenges. Like if you guys can't agree on something and you're forced to agree, like you have to come to a decision, it's really tough. It could create a lot of conflict, especially if you're like time limited. Um, also, as a precursor, I'm gonna do my best to answer these questions. Of course, can't address all the nuances of every relationship, but I'm gonna do my best and hopefully give some ideas. So when it comes to like a decision like vaccines, like I'm thinking about here, like what are the values that the couple has maybe identified um together that they want to like live by, right? Are we a couple that is going to be like science-based? Like, are these decisions medically gonna be based off of science? Is it gonna be faith-based? Is it, you know, so kind of coming back to like what are our values as a couple in terms of like how are we gonna make decisions moving forward broadly? If we said science, like we gotta kind of come back to that and have a really in-depth conversation of like what are the anxieties that we're experiencing that are making us doubt science and just and talk through it. I think a lot of these um difficulties when we can't compromise is the fear of the unknown of what could happen. And so talk that, play that tape forward. You know, what am I so afraid of happening? I'm afraid of like the my child's gonna. I mean, the Tylenol thing was like, God, that was hot for a minute. Um, you know, what if our kid gets autism because they took Tylenol? And it's like, okay, so we're afraid of autism. Why are we afraid of autism? Like, just talk it through. But if we can address it by like attack, like, you know, identifying the value first, that can often just like make it itself. Now, do I think that the one partner who is like, I don't want vaccines and we decided to do vaccines gonna feel a hundred percent confident going into that? Probably not. So I would also say that like be prepared to not feel a hundred percent confident in these decisions when one partner feels you know opposite in the other. Um, but that you've but just keep reminding yourself of why we're making the decision that we're making. Um but I think those are the examples that really came up, right? It was like mostly like the vaccines and the medicine, but this could be the same thing with like private school and public school.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, something that it made me think about from going back, I would get a lot of anxiety around vaccines, even though I'm I I mean, I guess I would say pro-vaccines, as in like we do give our kids vaccines, but there's different methods you can follow. And there are specific vaccines that are like absolutely necessary and ones that they just lump in there, they lump in there and they're not 100% necessary. So asking questions with your doctor of like, is this making sure you trust your doctor, right? Like having one where you trust their method, spacing them out with something that reduced a lot of anxiety for me, where you don't have to get three the same day. I feel comfortable getting one at a time. So I know if something happened, we know what it came from. And then there were ones that we put off for a while where maybe you know one of us were like, oh, we'll just do that one today, and the other was like, let's just wait a little. What's the harm in waiting? And then we'd be like, okay, let's just wait. There's 100%. Or same with Tylenol, there's homeopathic versions of a Tylenol that maybe one partner would maybe consider over Tylenol and making those compromises.
SPEAKER_03If there's a way to like, and that's that kind of comes with like what's the fear, right? Like, is the fear like it might be too many at once? Okay, so then no, we're not anti-vaccines, but maybe we can, like you said, space them out. So, what are our options? You know, what are all the options and what is our goal? The goal is to make sure the baby's safe, right? So, what can we do to make sure the baby's safe and talking through it? Um, but you know, if you can't, if you can't compromise, just maybe accept the fact that you're gonna have a lot of conversations and go into it without like feeling like you need to like debate with the with your partner, like you're not fighting them, you're not like two lawyers in a courtroom, but like really go into this with curiosity and openness of like let's really we need to make this decision and we can only do it if we work as a team.
SPEAKER_02And I guess understand why both people feel the way they do. I like the curiosity thing. I think so much of the time we go into things if the diff if our partner has a different point of view, it's like we go into defense mode rather than curiosity mode.
SPEAKER_03I hear that like I want to win, right? Like, I feel like I want I need to win this argument. And it's like if if you're winning and one's losing, then like that's not a collaborative decision.
Resentment And The Keeping Score Trap
SPEAKER_02Yeah, that's already feel good about it. It's like you both of you against the problem, not you two against each other. Yes. Okay. That makes sense. Okay, next question What are ways to avoid keeping score and systems or code words to put in place when you need a reset?
SPEAKER_03Ways to avoid keeping score. If you're this is like the first thought that came to my mind when I saw this question was like, if you're keeping score, you're feeling resentment.
SPEAKER_01Yes.
SPEAKER_03You're building resentment, you're feeling resentment. Talk about it. Talk about it. If you're keeping score, learn to communicate it, learn to say these words out loud. Because if you're already getting there, a need's not being met, and you're not communicating that need, you're not already re-evaluating, you're not working as a team. So that's where the communication skills from like the last episode. I think I I can repeat them, but really just like I need a moment, I need to talk to you about something. I'm feeling overwhelmed. I need you to just like hear me out. Can we work together on this? Um, how do you feel about code words? I mean, code words, if it works, you the couple has to remember the code word, right? Like, and I think that's like I mean, if you're more about keeping score and the code words like, hey, remember that you're gonna do this. It's like you have to this is gonna be unique for every couple. Like, what is the code word? What does the code word signify? Like, what does it mean when you say it? What does the other person have to do when it's said? I think it's perfect. Like, if it works, use it. But you it takes practice to like instill the code word.
SPEAKER_02What is what was the code word that we Okay, Scotty and I were thinking about this a couple days ago. We cannot remember Was it penguin? Okay, no penguin was our form of currency for kisses if we're ever in an argument that you have to if he says if he has five penguins stored in his tank, that no matter how mad I am, he can say penguin and I have to kiss him. That was our playful way, and so we kind of it was a bird. I don't remember our code word, but we would for an example, we would use our code word if we were trying to have a conversation and things started to escalate and get a little heated. It was our way of like checking ourselves to almost reset of like we'd say our code words like okay, yeah, no, we were escalating a little, or if it would get too much of like code word, okay, I'm gonna go take five and we'll come back to it. Yeah, it was a way of almost like snapping us out of what we were in, and that's why I really liked it. Um, we haven't had to use it for so long, which is a good idea. I can remember, yeah. We don't we don't remember, but it was it saved us in a time when we were going bonkers with two under two.
SPEAKER_03It has to be something that both both couples can buy into.
SPEAKER_02It could be anything, like flour.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, I feel like it was like pelican or something, anyway, regardless. I think the other piece that I want to mention here in terms of keeping score, because like there's also this perception and this idea, like I feel like I'm doing more, like I'm and it's probably valid, right? But if there's a couple, some couples like work really well when we can make this more objective, and there are strategies and like tools that you can use to be more objective and like actually see and categorize individual tasks and responsibilities. And I'm thinking about the book Fair Play, and Fair Play comes with like this box of cards.
SPEAKER_02I was gonna bring this up. Yeah, have you seen it?
SPEAKER_03I literally bought it just because I I was using it with couples and I love it.
SPEAKER_02You like split, you you pull out the cards that that uh apply to your lifestyle, yes, and then you divide them up, right?
SPEAKER_03Yeah, and so like how I've used them with couples is that like which ones apply, because there are gonna be some that don't apply yet or don't apply anymore. And then what I do is like list which ones that you're responsible for, and like look at the piles objectively and see like, and some of them go in the middle because it's like well we both do that, right? So it's like and and who wants, and then reevaluate, like take the cards, like and then there's like a method though, because it's like what if it's like feed the baby, right? And it's like there's a minimum standard of care, so you have to like do like a minimum of like this task and like whatever.
SPEAKER_02I haven't used it in a while in a couples, but like I I think it's a great way to like objectively see, and it's not just about how I feel, it's tangible, you can actually see because if the mom is being like, I feel like I'm doing everything, and the partner's like, No, you're not now I'm getting defensive, you can almost see. It's like okay, well, if the cards are maybe just slightly, maybe it's 60 40. Okay, you're not the you're not doing everything, yeah.
SPEAKER_03And then sometimes it's like, whoa, like you really are like yeah, doing so much, but then also like what is the weight of each card? So I think it's just a really cool way to like look at it externally. I love that. Um I'll link it too, I'll put it in the description. I mean, people you can have the book um and and read the book as well, or you could just get the cards, and the cards will come with instructions and follow it.
SPEAKER_02One thing that you taught me in the past was limiting certain or or removing certain words from your vocabulary. What were those words?
SPEAKER_03Always and never.
SPEAKER_02Always and never. I always feel this way, or you never do this.
SPEAKER_03Yes, you always assume, you always like sit on the couch, or you never, you never feed the baby, or you never do diaper change, whatever. And it's like it's like and the minute you say those words, your whole argument or your whole like whatever you're gonna say after goes down the drain because the other person's on the defensive and it's like never, always no, I don't.
SPEAKER_02And it's yes, I do. It's actually shocking how difficult it is to fully remove it from your vocabulary. You have to be so conscious. Like, I used to do that all the time, and you would teach me, Taylor, does he always not do that, or does he and I would sometimes be like, I just said that just because it flows, and I wasn't, you know, you don't mean to say it that way. Yeah, but that was something that helped me so much was removing always a never and just replacing it with frequently, often, most of the time, much of the time, rarely or infrequently.
SPEAKER_03And I think because it's so hard to remove that from our vocab, it's not expected to be like not say it, but like as long if you get to the point where you're like, you never hold on, sorry, not never, you don't often, even that is good enough. You know, you don't have to stop saying it altogether, but when you catch yourself, and and sometimes a partner can help, like if you say all you never like never, and then the person's gotta be like, let me take it back. You infrequently, or it feels like most of the time or some of the time, to be more accurate.
SPEAKER_02It makes you a little slower with the attack where you're like, I have to be a little more tactical. What am I allowed to say? What am I not? Yeah, but it does help.
SPEAKER_03Yes, because it there is never it's never a never and it's not it's never an always. Yes.
SPEAKER_02So it just it's I'm always like, you're you're better off, like your point will be heard much better if you don't say those words, and it'll just be more credible because the what you taught me is that the other person hearing that will immediately latch on to the always and never, and that's where their argument back will come from.
SPEAKER_03Flops, yeah, and then you're now you're like, now you have to be like, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to say always and never, and then it means it slows things up.
SPEAKER_02But my point is still valid.
SPEAKER_03Yes, yes, yes.
SPEAKER_02Okay, next question: how to not hold on to resentment, especially as the mom will always do more. Yeah, I think this comes from like be feeling like the default parent, and it and it happens.
SPEAKER_03We fall into these roles subconsciously, we fall into the roles because of hormones, we fall into the roles because of society, because of culture, because of our own identity. Um you know, sometimes either and and moms feel like they're doing more and they want to feel seen, but sometimes both partners don't feel seen. You know, like the other partner can also build resentment when they feel like they're being um, I guess like criticized over and over again, too, and they feel like you're not seeing the work I'm doing. And it's not about who's doing more and who's doing less, but to appreciate both partners for what they are doing and then working together to make things more functional. Um, speaking it again, the other way of not holding on to it is by speaking it. You're probably being feeling more resentful because you're just thinking about it and you're holding on to it. But just share, like, I'm I'm starting to feel resentful of this. Like, even being able to say, like, I'll say this by my own experience. Like, I came back to work, obviously, um, because that was always my plan and I I really wanted to. I love what I do. Um, but I I felt resentful of my husband who did go back to work earlier because I wanted to go back to work. And I would say, like, I'm I'm jealous of you that like you get to like go up to your office and like I get that you have to do that, so this is circumstantial. It's not even like that you could do anything differently, but like I'm jealous, and like I want to go back to work, and I want to be able to like feel like I can just go into my office and I can see a client and not have to worry, and I'm just you can't do anything about it, but I just need to tell you that this is how I feel, and he'd be like, Yeah, I know.
SPEAKER_02Just naming the feeling, yeah.
SPEAKER_03Like, so sometimes resentment can be related to like an issue that you can resolve and modify together, and sometimes it's just like circumstantial and it's not about that person.
Default Parent Guilt And Asking Permission
SPEAKER_02Okay, next question: why do we feel the need to ask for permission to do something for ourselves as a mom? I always catch myself thinking my husband when he watches our daughter as if she isn't his as well.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, that falls into gender norms, you know. I think like that internalized a lot of that internalized sexism um of feeling like we are expected to do this work and do these things, and that like we're we're being gifted time, you know, by our partner because like this is our role and this is our identity. Um but then we get mad at ourselves for like doing that. I I might have like a little bit there's two ways to do this, and I I come from one other like branch, but when I would ask someone like how would it feel to instead of asking, just say, I need you, and I'll use my my baby's name, I need you to watch Donia for the next two hours while I go take a shower and and nap. Instead of saying, can you watch? Like, how would that feel? What would what would like what would happen um if you did that? The other thing I like the other part where I would say like I don't think there's ever an issue of like asking your partner, because I think like building a culture of appreciation and consideration is really important, and to not assume on either end, like you do this, you do that. Like it's okay to be like, can you watch her for two hours while I do this? And likewise, hey, can you do this while I do that? And and just like build it into more of like considering the other person and then also showing gratitude for doing so on both ends. Thank you so much. Like my husband would be like, Thank you so much for taking care of our baby today while I was at work, you know. So if you feel like you're always having to ask though, um, instead of being able, I would practice the language of I need you to do this, I need I need to go get a massage or I need to go drop something off at UPS, I need you to watch her, you know. And and once you do it enough times, I think it feels a little bit more natural, but it probably feels bad and weird in the beginning because it doesn't feel natural, it doesn't feel familiar and it's new.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, it it's the gender norms because gosh, I felt this way so many times where Scotty travels a lot for work, as you know, and I'd feel so jealous where he'd be like, I'm going on this trip, I'm going on that trip, I'm working late tonight, I have a meeting in LA, I won't be home till this. But anytime I had to schedule something, I would have to cover all of my bases in order to make it happen rather than just to announce it. And I know that just some of it just comes with the territory of being a mom, but it would cause so much resentment. And I'd be like, I wish you would just understand for one moment like what a luxury it is to be able to just tell your partner what you're doing rather than the mental load of okay, I need to plan who's watching the baby, what food they're gonna be getting, who's doing nap time, what happens if this happens. And it was, it's just it's the mental load of it that causes that. And but I I like I think it's almost like we have to ask for our needs to be met. Um, if we want to go to get our nails done that have outgrown for four weeks or our hair done that we haven't done in six months, where it's we have to ask for our needs to be met rather than just tell someone, well, schedule it.
SPEAKER_03Just yeah, you know, I I'll tell someone like schedule it and then make sure your partner's home. But some of that, like you said, like just the overhead of thinking about what snacks are they gonna eat, what is some of that comes from the fact that like you're doing that 99% of the time. So the partner doesn't know how to do that. But it the more we allow the partner to take that time, though space to be the caretaker, they'll learn the same things, and then you don't have to have that overhead.
SPEAKER_02That's so true.
SPEAKER_03It's almost like we we do it to ourselves in a way, and it's not in it's natural to happen that way, and it takes work to like unwire it, but if you really want to, it's possible. It just takes some discomfort, some shift, some newness, yes, some patience. It takes a lot of patience. I there's another piece here that I want to mention in terms of like how to speak to your partner, because I think that like a lot of the time, depending on the like the healthiness of your relationship or the stability of your relationship, it can feel some partners feel nervous about talking to their partner about this, whatever be the resentment or like taking time or whatever. And if you don't feel safe enough to talk to your partner about a need that needs to be met, that needs to be addressed first. It's very valid and it kind of deflects like or it makes us feel like we don't we want to avoid any sort of conflict, we don't want to ask because we don't want to fight. But if I don't feel safe enough to be able to tell my partner like I need I need time, that's that's a red flag to me. Yeah, you need to be able to communicate, you need to feel like you can safely communicate with your partner first, and if you can't seek seek support because that otherwise none of the other stuff is gonna work.
When One Partner Wants Another Baby
SPEAKER_02Okay, next question. I want another baby, he doesn't. What do we do?
Sex After Babies And Scheduling Intimacy
SPEAKER_03Like, okay, liked this one. We don't have another baby. You know, I think it needs to be a joint decision. It needs to be. Um you can't coerce somebody into having a baby, but if we're really gonna unpack this, what is the resistance? Why? And really, with an open and curious mind, why does he not want or she not want another baby? We need to like first hear that out. What is the reason for wanting another baby? Does it make sense? Like Really talk it through and then see if you can come to a joint decision. Even if it's like, okay, I see it. Still not my like 100% like I'm not like totally about it, but I I do think if we worked through X, Y, and Z, that was my reasons for not wanting it, that we could do it. Let's do it. Or the person who really, really wants it starts to learn and understand the reasons not that it's not the right time. We'll need to like accept that. But it needs to be a joint decision for the sake of your relationship, for the sake of your own mental health. If you because you don't want that to like be dragged on, like I never wanted this child, you wanted this child, and then you're then you're already not a team from the get-go, and that's not a good foundation.
SPEAKER_02How to get sex back into a relationship after we're so tired at the end of the day, slash I have zero sex drive.
SPEAKER_03Yeah. Again, very normal, so normal to not want to have sex right away, um, or even soon months after. So, so, so normal. The timeline for like when intimacy comes back into the relationship varies in such a wide way. Like, I've had I've had a couple that said that they like they've gone a year postpartum and still haven't had sex. And I have another couple that's like six weeks in, like, as soon as they got cleared, like they had sex. So it's just like such a wide range. Everyone's hormonal shifts are different. Why aren't you feeling like, you know, is it is it the fact that I'm not attracted to my partner? Is it the fact that I had I'm attracted to my partner, but I'm just so exhausted or we're exhausted? Whatever it is that's like preventing the intimacy from happening, like that needs to be explored. Um, so again, this is one of those like situations where it's like gonna be the nuances of each couple because if their relationship satisfaction is also low, then you're not gonna wanna, yeah, like you're not like, hey, turn me on. Like, yeah, you're like, I don't want to look at your face. Yeah, like that's not fun. But assuming that like the relationship's fine and it's just about being tired, find other ways to be intimate. Like, can we just like cuddle, let things happen naturally. If we really want to have sex, then just like name it. Like, I want to have I'm so tired, but I want to have sex and I want us to do this. Let's just like do it tired, you know.
SPEAKER_02I also loved your advice on finding a time where both partners are the least tired and available to like schedule it in, which sounds not sexy, but like if you're able to do that, if yes, yeah, I remember that actually.
SPEAKER_03Like, don't wait till end of day then. If if if we're so tired, end of day, but you have more energy in the morning, then do it in the morning if you have the space to do it in the morning.
SPEAKER_02Like, I'm a blob at the end of the day. Like, I'm sorry, I will not have sex with you at night. Like, there's no way. So, okay, when do you feel the best? Yeah, and when are you available?
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_02And we figured it out that it was midday on weekends when the kids are napping.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_02And it solved a lot of our issues when it came to like feeling disconnected.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_02And that was the best advice you ever gave us. We still follow that advice.
SPEAKER_03Because I think end of day previously looked very different. You're not as drained end of day in your relationship. But you're just the kind of assume, like, well, that's when we used to have sex, so that's when we should have sex. But if sex is really important, then find a different time to have sex.
Date Night Without Unrealistic Pressure
SPEAKER_02Yes. Okay. Date night. At what levels should this be prioritized?
SPEAKER_03I I struggled with this one because I think it again depends on the couple and what date night looks like, and if you have access to help.
SPEAKER_02Let's say even if it's a date night at home, once the kids are asleep or doing something, like a cooking dinner together. Yeah.
SPEAKER_03So what is what is date night? What is the purpose of date night? Is it to have time to connect? Is it is the purpose of date night to get space? Like that's what I'm saying. Like it's different, it's dependent on each couple. What is the goal that we're trying to achieve through date night? And then let's think of how to do it creatively. I do, I do think that it's really, really hard to try and prioritize that on top of everything else in the first few months. Um, so I wanted to like set like really realistic expectations for couples of like when when is it that we should do it? I think when you start to come out of that fourth trimester, I would that's what I would recommend exploring it more. If you're able to do it more easily before that, great. But don't be hard on yourself if those first three months, I would say honestly, those first four or five months, especially if you have a challenging baby, for it to not be called date night, but moments of connection.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_03Just like have moments of connection, like brief moments where you're just like spending time together, watching a show, like at the end of the day, or you know, at some point, having lunch together if you both work from home. Um, but don't don't set yourself up like to think that we need to be like going out and leaving a child with a babysitter if you don't have the means for that.
SPEAKER_02Um and it can look like such so many different things, even if it's like one night you're both feeling not completely exhausted, like maybe we take a bubble bath. Yeah. We Scotty and I used to be on a date night every two-week schedule when the kids were way older. But now that we're going back into baby phase, and now that I'm in my third trimester, we haven't gone on a date night in so long, and I know we're not going to in the you know newborn days. Maybe we'll get back to schedule and maybe it'll be like goal setting of once a month, and then maybe twice a week if we can, but just like being aware of when we feel like we need a date night and not forcing it, yes, yeah.
Sleeping Separately And Making It Work
SPEAKER_03Like, what is the purpose? But at the same time, like, yes, prioritize it if you notice that if you probably feel really good after doing it, you know. So, like it should be something that you do be in your intentional about eventually, so that you can also have time for yourselves as a couple. But there this requires a lot of creativity and a lot of like you know, just navigating what's possible with each couple based on their unique situation.
SPEAKER_02Okay, still sleeping separately 14 months postpartum, and we like it. Dot dot dot.
SPEAKER_03I wondered like what was the question?
SPEAKER_02I think like is it a problem?
SPEAKER_03Or like is if you're if your relationship is fine and you're connecting in different ways, and I get this all the time too. Like, I have clients who they will be sleeping separately because like one snores and one doesn't, and honestly, they get better sleep, and so they're better humans. That's fine. And who says that you need to? This is one of those traditional, like, oh, you're not sleeping in your bed with your partner, like that's a bad sign. Like, you should be sleeping right next to each other. But if we're not getting quality sleep, we don't need to. Maybe we cuddle for 20 minutes before we say goodnight and then we go into our separate rooms. But if we're sleeping better and we're better, like we're more sharp in the morning and we're able to like tackle on the day with like more energy, I I vote that.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, I vote to the point. What to do if you're no longer attracted to your partner?
Attraction Issues And Partner Depression
SPEAKER_03Why? Why? I think that's a really tough one. What's like what's the underlying route? Like, what is it that you're no longer attracted to? Is it something that they're doing? Is it something that's going on with you? Is it again, is it the postpartum depression?
SPEAKER_02Is it resentment?
SPEAKER_03Is it resentment? Is it like why? My biggest question there is like why? And then let's dig that, let's dig dig deeper. Take time to explore that. Um it's probably really hard to if you're like you can't really talk to your partner. I mean, a lot of people would feel uncomfortable talking to their partner about that because they might not want to like bash their confidence, um. Is that something that you'd recommend seeking professional help either individually or if they're unable to figure it out on their own, if they're not able to like identify like I'm not attracted to you because I'm resentful, then yes.
SPEAKER_02So this woman followed it up with what to do, um, how to support your partner who has depression while also caring for the kids in the home. I feel like she's probably overwhelmed, has a lot on her plate, and maybe the partner has depression.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, so maybe that's leading to I mean, in your partners, and we just do have yeah, like I mean, it's hard to see. Depression's not sexy, okay? Like it's none of the no mental health issue is a really sexy thing to see and to experience. So if someone's depressed, they're down, they're sad, they're probably looking at the negative side of things, like they're not confident, they're insecure, like that's gonna take a toll on how we feel towards that person. And yes, you want to be a supportive partner and like try and help your your other half through these challenges. I mean, there's my question is like, are they seeking their own help and treatment so that they can also like work through that so that it's not another like you're not their therapist, and you're not no partner should be their partner's therapist and work there. You don't have the the the knowledge and the the skills and you're not equipped to do so. Um so if they're not seeking treatment already, like really encouraging them to do so and be like, I need you to do this for yourself for us as a family. Um, and then like the goal and the hope would be like as they start to feel better and come out of that and they can be more involved in helping with the family, then maybe the attraction will grow again, right? Then you'll start to see like you have your partner back, and but take take address the depression first.
In-Laws Boundaries And The Partner Buffer
SPEAKER_02Yeah. Okay, I'm gonna squeeze one more in. Okay. How to navigate issues with in-laws.
SPEAKER_03Which issues, so many issues can arise with in-laws. Was there any follow-up to this?
SPEAKER_02No, I think it's like how to maybe do you talk, is your partner the one who tries to deal with it so you're not the bad guy? Or how do you bring it up to your partner so they don't get defensive because it's their family?
SPEAKER_03One of the like more template things, like something that's like my standard, is that if it's an issue with like my mom, I deal with it. If it's an issue with his mom or his parents or whatever, his side of the family, sister, sibling, whatever, he deals with it. We need to be able to talk about it. I need to be able to say, I really don't appreciate it when your ex, y, and z person, whoever family member, does this does this thing, and I really like it's awkward. I don't want to be the one to say something. Like, I need even if it's uncomfortable. This is where I also fall into the line. It's like, well, it's uncomfortable for me to tell my mom that, right? And it's like, but better you than me. You have that rapport and that relationship. Like, you we need maybe I can help you figure out a way to communicate it, and maybe we deal with it, but the repercussions of not like what happens, what happens if we don't address it? Things might get worse, you know, whatever. So each person deals with their own side of the family. That's my number one recommendation. But issues within laws are constantly coming up, um, especially when it comes to the baby and stuff like that. And so a lot of open communication around it and a lot of non-judgmental like hearing. Like, I think some other times like partners can be like, well, my mom just really means well. Like, she's not trying to like upset you, she just really cares about the baby and she like really wants to like you know, but she's like, but the advice is like too much. The person who's the descendant of that family is the buffer.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, and they need to understand, like, it's not helpful to hear, oh, but they mean well because then you feel invalidated, like, oh, so me feeling this way just because they mean well means it's okay.
SPEAKER_03Both can be true at the same time, they can mean well, and it can be really activating and frustrating because I'm tired of hearing advice that I'm not gonna follow. Like, I get it, and then sometimes some of it's like learning how to navigate someone, like I remember telling my husband, like, you can tell my mom no. He's like, But I like, yeah, but if I'm not around to say, like, and I will when I'm around, I'm like, mom, because I I'm I'm Persian and my mom's a very strong Persian mom and she has a lot of opinions, and you know, and my husband's like comes from more passive family, um, so he's just not used to it, and I'm like, no, but she can handle hearing no, yeah, and she's gonna give a lot, and so it's coaching, some of it's coaching too, like coaching him, um, coaching the partner on like how to say if I'm around, I'll be like, no, mom. But if he he's learned to do it, and it's become so much easier, yeah, you know, um, and resentment then doesn't build as much, as much.
SPEAKER_02It's hard. I think it's yeah, it takes time and practice. But I think we'll always have little headbutts with in-laws, like those, you know, even the best of in-laws you're not gonna see eye to eye about. So I do love the the buffer of the partner, they're the ones that address it with their family as like a we thing, and so it eliminates us being kind of like the bad guy.
SPEAKER_03It's another one of the bigger issues that people come to couples therapy too, is if they're really struggling to navigate that as a you know, and um even in individual therapy, but as a couple, then they can like really start to like learn how to work together as a team around that. Um, but it's it's super common, especially when there's different cultural dynamics at play.
Where To Get More Help
SPEAKER_02Okay. Well, thank you so much for this part two. You're welcome. Time flew by. Thank you. Um, hope you guys enjoyed the QA. And if your questions were answered, or if they weren't, feel free to reach out to Dr. B if you're looking for further support. She's all virtual, she can take clients from anywhere. Um, and now she's just recently gotten back into work after having her baby girl. What's your website one more time?
SPEAKER_03Aminipsychology.com. So am I niceychology.com. Super easy, easy to find me.
SPEAKER_02Well, thank you so much for making the trek here and taking some time away from donating.
SPEAKER_03Yes, this was so fun. Seriously, thank you so much. I hope that listeners get a lot of uh useful information, and if anything, just feel validated and understood and seen.
SPEAKER_02Amazing. Well, thank you guys for listening once again, and I'll see you next week.
