Hello and welcome to Mama Island where we travel away from the noise and the pressure of real life to a safe and quiet place where we can spend time figuring out how to be great mamas without losing who we are and what we love doing and how to get the mama life we really want.
Not everyone loves being a mama.
That's the plain and simple truth and that can be a difficult thing to admit, so you don't admit it and you struggle on alone because you think you're the only one. But that's just not true.
It's much more common than you think and that's what this episode is all about.
On our island today, we are welcoming all the lost mamas with open, loving and supporting arms because it's always safe to be vulnerable here and we're going to make sure that you are seen, heard and understood and that your struggles are acknowledged openly so you'll never feel alone again.
Lost mamas are the ones who aren't enjoying being mamas right now at this moment, or every now and again, or every day, or every week, or all the time.
Many of us have felt lost or trapped at some time in our lives, maybe professionally or personally where we end up playing a part or fulfilling a role just because it's expected of us or because we feel it's our duty or simply because we don't know how to change things or we don't have a choice and exactly the same thing can happen when we have a baby.
According to everyone around you, having a baby and being a mum is supposed to be exciting, wonderful, fulfilling your new purpose in life and there is never any discussion about feeling shocked, afraid, disappointed, bored, lonely, unhappy, indifferent, resentful, trapped, invisible, unseen and unheard.
But this should be discussed more, because motherhood can cause you to feel some or all of these things.
It's bad enough feeling this way, but the bigger problem is that you can't even talk to anyone about it. It isn't talked about openly enough because women are too afraid to be honest.
They don't feel secure enough to say what they're really feeling and experiencing because of all the airbrushed, Disney -fied, insta -perfect social media crap that is everywhere, literally everywhere.
So you keep quiet and pretend it's all wonderful when inside you're screaming.
It's bad enough feeling lonely when you're on your own but it's many times worse if you feel alone when you're with other people.
Feeling so different, feeling like there's something wrong with you for not being like other mamas means you end up feeling lost and alone, even when you're surrounded by other people, family and friends.
You feel like a fraud for pretending, like somehow you don't belong and this disconnect can have a devastating effect on your physical and mental wellbeing.
If you're out there listening to this thinking, this is me, this is what I'm feeling, I'm hoping you're maybe feeling a bit relieved that finally someone is talking to you, seeing you and hearing you and that someone understands. The thing is, there are a whole lot of other women out there who do understand because they are just like you, feeling the same things, going through the same things and hiding it just like you. And I'm going to prove that to you before the end of this episode.
The other thing women think is that there must be something wrong with them for not enjoying motherhood, and that is also not true. In fact, your feelings are totally natural when faced with such a life -changing event as becoming a parent.
If you think about motherhood rationally, like it was a job description, you'd soon realise there is a whole list of things that make motherhood a bum deal because of all the crap that society expects and demands of you, because of what they dump on you and because of what they take from you.
Motherhood is a very difficult job.
It can be stressful, exhausting, demoralising, boring, relentless, confusing, scary, triggering, painful, physically exhausting, isolating, lonely, pressured, messy, chaotic, and you never get lunch breaks or days off.
You can lose your job, your career, your hobbies, your friends, your social life, your health, your freedom and your identity.
You can lose the feeling that you are you, that you matter and that you are respected and valued.
So really, is it any surprise that some people just don't enjoy it or worse, hate it?
When I decided to talk about this, I wanted to make sure I had a real picture of how many women were feeling like this and what they were going through, so I did something I think you should all do as soon as this podcast is over.
Go and Google
'I hate being a mother.'
'I don't enjoy being a mother'.
' I regret becoming a mum, a mom, a mama, a mother.'
And you will see how many women out there are brave enough to admit their real feelings
As soon as someone starts a thread on Quora or Reddit, Instagram, Mumsnet, anywhere, there are mums just desperate for the chance to talk about their less than wonderful experience of being a mother.
Reply after reply, real lost mamas being seen and heard.
It was a real eye -opener for me because it's on a much bigger scale than I realised. Seriously, go and Google as soon as this episode has finished.
Some of the more easily identifiable reasons or situations that meant that these women were struggling to enjoy motherhood included unexpected pregnancy, unwanted pregnancy, trauma from previous pregnancy or birth, or a loss.
They had no money, no partner, poor housing, no room.
There was illness or disability in parents, children or grandparents.
There were too many children already.
There was bad timing for their health or their career, or it was too close to their last baby.
There were multiple babies like twins and triplets, mental health problems, lack of support.
The list was endless because people's situations were endlessly different and challenging.
Another factor in their experiences of becoming a parent was the lack of honest, reliable, unbiased information in today's antenatal education.
Everything focuses on the birth with little or no practical preparation, so many women felt like they got a nasty shock when they were left holding their beautiful new baby with no clue what to do next and little or no help from hospital staff.
This lack of preparation meant that for many new mums, motherhood was not what they thought it would be.
They weren't feeling like they thought they would and it was so much harder and more confusing than they thought it would be.
The lack of conversation about what it's really like meant that women were going into parenthood with unrealistic expectations that got trampled into the ground by difficult feeding, sleeping, reflux, toddler's reactions, overwhelmed exhaustion, the crushing responsibility.
And on top of dealing with all that, these women all talked about guilt and shame and the pressure of trying to keep it a secret.
They felt isolated like they were a failure nd that's a huge mental, physical and emotional load to bear alone.
One common theme was that if they spoke about how they were feeling, people were going to think they didn't love their baby, when really they just didn't enjoy being a mumma and that's a totally different thing.
Most of the mums I've spoken to directly all told me they did love their baby, they just didn't like or love being a full -time mama. It doesn't make you a bad mama, it makes you an unhappy mama and that's different.
You still deserve help and support and understanding, and you know, just because you aren't loving it now doesn't mean you won't love it later.
It seems totally acceptable for men to say they don't really like the new baby phase or they like it when baby's older, like six months or a year or a toddler or talking or when they can play football.
But guess what? Women feel like this too and it's totally normal and more common than you think.
Unlike the men though, we don't have the luxury of having someone else take care of our baby until they are at an age when we feel more comfortable.
We just have to get on with it and do the best we can and I can tell you hand on heart from experience that you are doing an amazing job.
Think about it, how many people do you know who are really good at their jobs, really successful, but that don't enjoy it or even hate it and would give it up in a heartbeat if they could.
Not liking something doesn't mean you can't be fantastic at it.
I had a job years ago with one of the most loathsome women you could ever imagine.
I was placed by an agency as an emergency stopgap for a couple of days until they could find somebody else because they knew I could cope with difficult situations.
But this woman was so awful they couldn't actually find anyone willing to take over, and I didn't feel right leaving the tiny twins because I was worried about them so I ended up staying for five weeks and at the end of that time, the client was begging me to go back with them to their home country because I was so amazing.
I'm telling you, I hated every minute, every second apart from the times I was alone with the babies and the internal dialogue in my head would probably have got me shot had the mum heard me but I dealt with it by switching my mindset.
She was demanding and micromanaging and everything had to be just the way she liked it, so I pictured myself, I imagined myself as one of those downstairs maids in period dramas, you know, with a little white mob cap and an apron who got ordered around like she wasn't even human.
I figured out exactly what the mum wanted to see and hear and I did it and said it on cue.
Everything was ready before she needed it, just the way she wanted it and every time she barked an order in my head, I bobbed a little imaginary curtsy and said, yes, maam or no maam or right away maam, and believe it or not, it made it bearable and sometimes even fun.
The other thing that made it bearable was that at 10 o 'clock every morning I took the babies out for a walk and as soon as I got out of sight of the house, I called the agency that placed me there and they had someone waiting to talk me down, let me get it all off my chest, have a good laugh, so I was able to go back again without my head exploding.
Basically, they recharged my sanity battery and that made all the difference.
Now, I know that was an extreme situation, but those same strategies can work for you. Change your expectations. Stop trying to make yourself feel differently. Accept the reality. Don't judge yourself. Respect yourself and get on and find ways to cope with a difficult situation. You can totally do this.
I hope I've helped you realise that you aren't alone and aren't a bad mama and that you can still do a great job caring for your baby, and now I want to start thinking about practical ideas to help make life better for you in as many ways as we can.
Let's start with your support network if you have one.
Knowing now that there is nothing wrong with you and that you are doing a great job for your baby, is there someone you can talk to?
It might be a scary thought, but now you can talk about it differently.
Instead of saying to your partner, I hate being a mum, you could say, I'm not actually enjoying this baby stage. I think I'll be happier when they're a bit older so can you give me more support for the next few months?
Or you could ask them what they are finding difficult about being a parent and when they tell you agree with them let them know that you understand them because you feel the same way.
Even if your situation in life means you can't change anything at least you can have a good mutual moan and recharge your sanity battery and so you aren't feeling alone or different or isolated.
If you can't do this with your partner or you don't have one, who else can you talk to?
A family member? A friend? Another mum?
Now, with other mums, it is difficult knowing who might understand because everyone's busy pretending they all love it, but there are clues.
Look for mums having a hard time with feeding or sleeping.
And sometimes it's not what they say, but what they don't say
.
Look for the mums who are quiet and don't go on about how wonderful things are, then get them on their own and get a conversation going.
Be careful not to say anything judgy or to be too gushy about how wonderful mama life is. Give them an opening to show that maybe they feel the same way as you. Maybe say, how nice it is to have some adult conversation because you're having a bad day and need a break. Just drop little things like that into the conversation, it gives them an opportunity to speak openly.
Things that you wish people would maybe say to you to give you the chance to open up. You never know, you could be throwing them a lifeline, a chance for them to be able to talk openly.
I know the thought of opening up to someone can be difficult, but being able to say how you feel out loud is very important, because it means you aren't always internalising it, which is very, very bad for you because that means everything is building up inside you like a volcano.
You are running on stress hormones, which is OK short term, but really messes up your whole system long term.
Remember the term sanity battery because it does what it says, keeps you sane. If you really can't find anyone to talk to, then write it down somewhere. There are journaling apps that you can lock so no one will ever see them or write it on a piece of paper, then tear it up or burn it.
Or you can go on places like Reddit where you can have an anonymous account and join in talking to other people like yourself.
Just don't bottle it up.
So how else can we make life better for ourselves if we're feeling like this?
Well, how about making life as simple and easy as possible?
Remove pressure, reduce crying, get more sleep, sort out as many problems as possible and the quickest and best way to do this is to get a gentle flexible routine in place and by that I mean gentle on you as well as on baby and flexible for you as well as for baby.
I will go to my grave telling people how routines give you stability, predictable, freedom and sleep !
It means you know what you are doing when you're doing it and how long you're doing it.
You know when you are busy with baby and when you have time for yourself.
That means you can plan to do things or go places that make your life more bearable, enjoyable and fun.
So something else that might help is trying to pin down exactly what you don't like about your momma life as it is now.
Are you missing the stimulation and challenges you got from your career?
Are you intellectually bored?
Do you miss the camaraderie and support of work colleagues?
Do you miss your hobbies, your exercise, your friends?
Do you need time to yourself, space for yourself?
All these are very valid reasons to be unhappy and once you've identified what you're missing, you can go ahead and try to get them back in your life, and they may have to be in a slightly different form so get creative and think laterally.
But what if it's not something missing, but too much of something?
Too many children, too many demands on your time and attention, too much stress, too many things to juggle, too many activities, all the responsibility.
Well again, the right routine will help simplify and stabilise things for you.
But you could also have a look at what you can drop to make life easier.
Stop press... Babies don't need lots of baby classes.
It's fine to drop some or all of them.
It's also fine to drop any mums groups online or in real life that stress you or make you unhappy. Cut them out.
Can you reduce your laundry and other housework by people reusing clothes that are still clean or washing their own dishes? or sharing housework or shopping or school or activity runs?
Or can you relax your normal standards just enough to allow you some time to relax?
If you have other children, how can you simplify their routines and activities to reduce pressure on you?
What you have to remember in this sort of situation is that relaxing standards, asking for help and prioritising your needs is not failing or being a bad mama !
It's the most positive thing you can do for yourself and for your whole family.
They need you to be happy and healthy and you deserve to be happy and healthy.
Other things you can consider. Get more time away from the baby. Use childcare, a child mind, a nursery, a relative, a partner, a crèche.
Make more time for yourself.
Stop putting yourself last on the list all the time.
Go back to work early.
Educate yourself about your baby so you know what really matters and what you can safely let go of.
Learn how long they will be at this stage, what the next stage will be and when basically so that you know it will end and it will change for the better at some point.
Spend more time with good mama friends or non -mama friends, and don't talk about babies all the time !
Get a better routine that gives you more structure and more freedom and then make better use of time when baby is asleep or with somebody else, not chores or housework.
It's so important that you find a way to externalise your thoughts and feelings by vocalising them. Tell another adult and if you can't do that, tell your baby.
They love hearing anything you have to say and they won't snitch on you and it stops it building up inside you.
Remember, there is nothing wrong with you at all.
You are a good person doing your best in a very difficult situation.
Those first few months at home with a new baby are hard work.
If you were paying a team of carers to do the same job, they would insist on good wages, breaks, support.
It cost my family £4 ,000 a week to get 24 -hour care for my dad last year that included cooking, cleaning, shopping, etc. because it's hard work and a huge responsibility.
And you are doing it for nothing.
Plus, those carers worked in shifts, so they got respite.
They got to go home to their families and friends.
They got to go out and have fun.
They got time to themselves and they got professional respect and our constant thanks.
You get none of that.
You're expected to just get on with it.
You're taken for granted, unappreciated, and on top of that, you get judged, criticised, patronised and abused by strangers in the street.
Now do you understand why it's totally reasonable to not enjoy being a mama every now and again or every minute of every day?
You know, every week I struggle to keep these episodes less than 20 minutes and most of the time that's a total bust and this week's no different so I'll leave it here for now, but we will be revisiting this topic a lot because it's such a widespread problem.
But in the meantime, I hope something I've said has helped you in some way, and if you need someone to talk to, please just email me or DM me. It won't cost you anything to be seen or heard. I'm here for you.
Take care of yourself and see you next week.
That's it for today and I hope you found something to love about our time together. If you did then please take a second to hit subscribe and share it with anyone you know who could do with some time on our lovely island. And if you want to check me out on Instagram I'm at The Baby Detective. See you next time!