Sash & Soul
Welcome to the "Fearlessly Authentic: Sash & Soul Podcast," the show that goes beyond the stage to prioritize mindset, wellbeing, and triumphs in the pageant journey. Each episode explores the power of embracing authenticity, sharing mindset tips, self-care strategies, and inspiring success stories to help you navigate the pageant world with confidence and resilience.
Sash & Soul
#26 Post-Titleholder Life & New Sponsorship Announcement
It's a journey, and sometimes a difficult one when you go from competing for years, becoming a titleholder, to leaving the pageant world and planning for the future. It can come with identity shifts, insecurities, and a lot of comparison.
We always see the titleholder in the spotlight, but what happens when her year is over and the crown is put away? Lila opens up about redefining success, navigating major life changes, and finding balance between personal and professional ambitions. We talk about the challenges of leaving behind a competitive world, managing comparison, and the importance of self-empowerment and taking control. We'll also cover the pitfalls of unknowingly seeking external validation and the joy that comes from focusing on how your life feels rather than how it looks.
We're proud to introduce a partnership with USA National Miss Wisconsin & Minnesota, a national pageant organization that provides scholarship opportunities, mentorship, confidence building and life-long skills in young women ages 4-25. We are excited to provide support and coaching opportunities for the newly crowned titleholders and all the girls competing in Wisconsin and Minnesota this year. Lila talks about her insights as a former teen titleholder and how you can register for the competition this October.
USA National Miss:
Website: https://www.usanationalmiss.com
Email: info@usanationalmiss.com | wisconsinunm@gmail.com
Register for USA National Miss Wisconsin/Minnesota: https://www.usanationalmiss.com/wi-mn | wisconsinunm@gmail.com
Free App Download: Click here to download the Fearlessly Authentic App!
Socials: @sashandsoul | @fearlesslyauthenticcoach | @raeannajohnson
Websites: www.fearlesslyauthentic.com | www.sashandsoul.com
Email: info@fearlesslyauthenticcoach.com
April Masterclass: Volunteerism & Service Click Here to Register
If you’re looking for more than just surface-level prep—and you’re ready to prepare with strategy, support, and confidence that actually lasts—I’d love to be part of your process.
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Welcome to the Fearlessly Authentic Sash and Soul podcast, the show that goes beyond the stage, prioritizing a healthy mindset, overall well-being and triumphs in the pageant journey.
Speaker 2:In each episode, we dive into the transformative power of embracing authenticity fearlessly From mindset mastery and self-care strategies to success stories that inspire. This podcast is your go-to guide for navigating the pageant world with confidence and resilience. Join us as we embark on a journey of self-discovery, empowerment and celebrate the stories of those who fearlessly embraced their authenticity on the path to pageant success. I'm Lila Sherry and I'm Rihanna Johnson.
Speaker 1:Welcome to Sash and Soul. Good morning. Welcome back everyone, hi Lila.
Speaker 3:Hi Rih.
Speaker 1:I'm over your cheese and cheesing because I have a dual monitor and my top monitor. Like I just like, opened up my social media and look who I see. Who do I see? But Lila, sweet Lila, and it's time for you to share with everyone. Wives.
Speaker 3:Yeah, me and Logan are engaged. I feel like it's, I'm like not surprised and I'm like I don't think many people are surprised, but it's just fun, it's finally official. And I'm like I don't think many people are surprised, but it's just fun, it's finally official and we've talked about it.
Speaker 1:Stop downplaying it. It's huge. It is huge Having been someone that has been engaged. It's huge. It's so much fun.
Speaker 3:It is, but it's also like it was kind of the natural progression of where it was all heading anyways.
Speaker 1:So the comfortability of it. That's what's beautiful.
Speaker 3:Yeah, exactly. Yeah, I like that. Like the day was a surprise to me, but the proposal was not, and that was really important to me. So, yeah, it's all great, it's all good. Me and Logan are in our love little love bubble and having a great engagement for the last three weeks.
Speaker 1:We waited so long. You just announced it last night, right?
Speaker 3:Yeah, I wanted it to just be us yeah.
Speaker 1:Okay, will you share, like the like cliff note version of the day.
Speaker 3:Yeah. So essentially he proposed on our anniversary which was really fun because we didn't we unknowingly started dating on the 8th of August, and eight is a really lucky number in the Chinese culture, and so I remember just being like we got together on a great date, this is so good. And he totally played it off by being like there's no way I'm going to get the ring in time and whatever. So let's just last minute. We'll just go to Chicago and for those who don't know, chicago is a really important city for us.
Speaker 3:Logan lived there for I think three years, almost three years, and while I was still in school, that's where I would go and take the bus, like, or whenever I could, to go see him. So we were long distance for a little bit and he was there and we had like our first official date there. I mean, we met at a wedding but then actually started like really dating in Chicago and all of our like early memories are in Chicago. So, yeah, he just took me down kind of a boardwalk type thing next to Navy Pier it wasn't actually Navy Pier, thank God, and it was just like a little dock, basically a little platform that juts out into the. Was it Lake Michigan, lake Michigan, and you could see the skyline and it was simple, and that's. I just wanted it to be simple, I didn't want it to be too much and it was perfect. It was really nice.
Speaker 1:It's beautiful, and our friend Jess Hammer of Blue Iris Creative was sneakily hiding to take these gorgeous photos that y'all can see on Lila's Instagram.
Speaker 3:It was funny because I had dropped multiple hints that and if it were possible that I wanted Jess to be our photographer, because, a I just wanted somebody that we were comfortable with, because I just know that if it was already kind of in a public setting, but, b if I didn't know who the photographer was, I feel like it wouldn't have been as real of a moment. Like, if you look at the pictures, I'm literally like screaming in Logan's face and I don't know if I would have done that, if I, like, wasn't as comfortable with the photographer, and so it all worked out and just did a beautiful job. Like there's some gems that I haven't posted yet that I'm still so excited to post for the next. I don't care how long, I don't care how annoying I am, I'm going to post them all.
Speaker 1:You don't even need an engagement shoot because this is basically like your engagement shoot, but you should. You should still definitely do an engagement shoot because they are so much fun, especially when you have a great photographer. Like, that was such a fun day for AJ and me, but what did?
Speaker 3:you do for your engagement shoot.
Speaker 1:We we rented an Airbnb because I wanted it to be like a at home shoot, but not at my home. I wanted it to be like a cute, like super, like artsy, adorable, like cozy place. So we found this perfect place on the East side of Milwaukee, like downtown Milwaukee, and yeah, it turned out. It was really, really fun. It was perfect, so fun, so yeah, but yeah, definitely like take this is. I'm so excited that you've waited a little while to just knowing you and knowing Logan, to like have that time just for you and like the closest people in your life to know about this, because our lives are so public, right, like you were just Miss Wisconsin for a year. Now we host this podcast, you're coaching, like we're all over social media and it is really important to take those times where it's just you guys.
Speaker 1:I did that with AJ when we got engaged. He proposed to me at Disney World and it was very similar in that I didn't know when he was going to propose. I had an idea. I didn't know when exactly, but I knew a proposal was coming. I knew there was a ring. That was important to me too.
Speaker 1:I think, similar to you, where it's like I want it to be a surprise and I want it to be fun and be giddy about that whole moment. But I need to have those serious conversations with you about what is our life going to look like and all that. So he proposed to me in Disney World right away when we first got there, and then we literally just spent the whole day just being kids running around. We didn't tell anyone, we just had a blast going on rides and eating all the food and all that stuff. And we finally started calling our closest family members the very next day when we were ready for that. But yeah, we took some time. But yeah, we took some time. Yeah, it is a beautiful thing to do.
Speaker 3:It is crazy how many people not my closest family and friends. So, yes, similar to you, we had like that day. And then I took probably another 24 hours before we started telling like his parents, people get so and this I'm talking about social media, not like our close family and friends that we told Immediately, even like the Uber driver was like so when's the wedding? And I was like it's been two hours, like this is nuts. Nope, I don't know if I'm going to have doves next to the Nile River with like pink butterflies. Like nope, I don't know that.
Speaker 1:Oh my God, you should. That sounds amazing.
Speaker 3:But we're also not traditional wedding people. I'm trying to find all of the options possible that are just not super traditional. Half of my family is in China, so I don't know what I'm going to do there and how travel is going to work or if we're going to do something over there. Also, next to what we're doing here. It's all just going to be. We're going to just figure it out. I don't mind having a longer engagement. I'm not running to this finish line of getting married Like it's awesome and we're together, but we've also been a unit. Like it's not, like our relationship has changed. It feels a little different, yes, but I don't know. I just people just like the wedding stuff and I'm like I don't know what I'm doing.
Speaker 1:No, and I think and this is actually going to lean into what we wanted to talk about today of like life after you're done competing and how just things just kind of slowed down and it's kind of a beautiful thing to not have to be rushing into something and I, I think too, like wanted that longer engagement, wanted to be able to take my time and really enjoy things, because we just went through how many years of things just kind of like compounded on top of one another, like local competition, get ready for state local competition, get ready for state local competition, get ready for the state, go to nationals Like it's just all crazy and you just kind of want to take some time to breathe and enjoy and live your life.
Speaker 1:And so I can completely relate to a lot of that, and I think too, especially for many of us that grew up and have gone through trauma and have witnessed our parents and other very close family members have unhealthy relationships, and I'm speaking for myself like I really wanted to make sure that I spent my time, that AJ spent his time really, you know, getting to know one another and making sure that we were on the same page with things. So I mean we've been together for. It'll be eight years in December and our one-year wedding anniversary is coming up next month. So if that says anything to any of you, about just take your time. And I'm 34, right? So I've spent 15 years of my life, for sure, 15 years of my life feeling like I was running out of time. I remember being 19 and already feeling like I was running out of time, and now I look back and I'm like man, I feel like I have time, like I'm already 34, but I'm also like I'm good.
Speaker 1:I'm good, I can breathe.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I'm like you only get engaged once, I mean intentionally once Like.
Speaker 1:that's the intention, right, that's the point right.
Speaker 3:We try our best to do that. Of course, no-transcript. After I was done with Miss Wisconsin and done with my like competition career as a whole, looking back I realized that, like the moments leading up to it and the fun of imagining it and thinking about it was almost I don't want to say more fun, but there was just a different excitement to it and I'm just I'm taking that lesson learned into here, into now, because, yes, a wedding is going to be incredible and amazing, and that's the whole point of all of this. But the anticipation is not not fun either. I'm enjoying what it is.
Speaker 1:Yes, yes, oh, I love that and that just bodes well into like I think everything that I've experienced since giving up my title of Miss Wisconsin like there was definitely some discomfort and some growing pains of like adjusting to not working towards something as like significant as Miss America. But now I really love, I really love this idea of like I we leave, the countdown is on 11 days, we leave in 11 days for Italy, and I'm almost like it's this weird sensation of like okay, time needs to slow down, because I've just like I'm so excited about it, but I know that like we're going to get there and then two weeks is going to fly by and then it's just going to be a memory and we'll have fun like looking back at the memory, but like it's going to be done. And I think it's the same thing for, like when you get engaged, there's like an anticipation of getting engaged and then you're engaged and then there's like the whole and I wanted a longer engagement too. I think I spent two years engaged before we had our wedding and it was like the anticipation of the wedding and planning for it and all and dreaming of it. It's the dreaming, you guys right, like even thinking about competing, it's the dreaming of being that title holder, whatever your aspirational title is. It's the dream of it. That's so much fun and sometimes, when you get into it, it's nothing like what you dreamt it was and that's where, like, there's more work and stuff, but it's, you know, it's just that anticipation of that dream, and I think it's the same thing for me and AJ right now too, of like dreaming about being parents, you know, and like we like our dream home and the next, all the next places we want to travel to, like we haven't even gone to Italy yet and we have a list right. So it's, it's so fun to take your time and to dream. So I think, some of the perfect, perfect segue and intro into our conversation today.
Speaker 1:Okay, so, before we get into our topic of life, after you're done competing, I want to really quickly chat about a brand new partnership that we have, fearlessly Authentic and S partnership that we have with USA National Miss for Wisconsin and Minnesota. I'm so excited. I spoke to the director last week and we mapped out all the ways that we're going to be able to support not only their 16 title holders that they're going to crown in October, but also anyone that is preparing to compete for Wisconsin and Minnesota USA National Miss. So really, really excited. But I wanted to first start chatting with Lila a little bit about, like, because you are a USA National Miss title holder, former title holder so I wanted to hear about your experience. We've never actually talked about this?
Speaker 3:No, we haven't. It was actually one of my more fun pageant experiences. It was okay, so it was pretty small when I had competed, at least in Wisconsin. I think it's grown like exponentially since then, which is really cool now to see, but I was they said last year they had 40 some contestants, which their goal was 40.
Speaker 1:And so it's under new ownership. So they've really been doing a lot of really cool stuff with it, and now this year their goal was around 80. And so they're climbing rapidly towards that, which is really so fun to meet all of those women from across the two states here in the Midwest. That's awesome.
Speaker 3:I'm so sad I won't be here but maybe, maybe you can zoom me in or something. But yeah, I was the Miss Wisconsin teen, I believe, for the, for the organization and honestly so locally it was smaller but it was still so much fun. The people there are just fun Like people are having a good time. And when you go to nationals I met some of the best people that I still talk to in pageantry at USA National Miss Nationals, former Miss Oklahoma from that year I still talk to. It's been like four ish years. That's when I met Maddie Miss America too.
Speaker 2:Right All those years.
Speaker 3:Yes, so so it. It all is just it's cool now to now be a sponsor, but I had a great experience. I think it's definitely more of like of like a USA vibe and style and how Ashlyn was saying on our get coached live episode where she was talking about how how it's like the super fun parts of pageantry you get through USA, of just the glam and like the oh my gosh, the events at USA Nationals was so much fun and again, the people really made the experience for me that year as well and there is a sense of family that they try to create. And I love this about certain organizations in pageantry is that some of them put a lot more emphasis on the family aspect, whether it's bringing in your own family and having events like with your family while you're there, or they really create a sense of community while you're there and will have events specifically to bring people together rather than just, okay, we're competing, okay we have rehearsals, like it wasn't just that, and that.
Speaker 3:I think that's what made it really fun. So lots of community aspects. The people were great. I loved just the elevated production and the stage and all of that. You normally get that at nationals, but I just remember that being really cool, just a great experience. It really was, and I'm excited to be here now for them, for these girls experience.
Speaker 1:It really was and I'm excited to be here now for them, for these girls. Yeah, I think this is a really great program to do, especially if you're starting off, because, like, like Lila was saying, the family aspect when I was talking to Susan the director last week, she was like we really want to make sure that this is an empowering and fun experience for everyone involved. So it's even one of those where she's like we don't even like we're probably going to cap it at some point, because when you get too many people involved, you just kind of lose that intimacy of getting to know everyone. And I was like I love that because I actually really value that within Fearlessly Authentic as well, keeping groups small and making sure that I only take so many clients so that I'm not like maxed out on my ability to serve every single one and meet their unique needs. So this is a great program, I think, especially if you're getting started. So they have six different age divisions, starting at age four and going up to age 25. So definitely check out. More information is on their website. It's usanationalmisscom. We're going to drop the links in this episode description as well.
Speaker 1:The competition required. Competition is interview, runway and gown. And then there's a list of optionals that are fun to. The competition is October 18th through the 20th in Fond du Lac, wisconsin, and the nationals will be held next July 13th through the 19th in Orlando, florida, and there's over $160,000 in cash and prizes paid, trips, wardrobe, all the fun stuff that you think about when you think about winning pageant competitions and being part of them. So I'm really excited. I'm going to be joining the state competition on October 18th for their Friday night luau party to chat about mindset and get everyone really pumped up for interviews and competition and everything for the weekend. So really, really excited about being part of that.
Speaker 1:And we are excited, as Fearlessly Authentic Lila and I as coaches in partnering with this program, to be able to offer discounted coaching for those that are competing and then, of course, the 16 winners that are going on to nationals in July. So super excited. Definitely check us, check it out. Let them know that we sent you for sure. We would love to hear that that some of you are are listening and getting involved in some of these organizations that we feel really strongly about partnering with. Like that's one of my values too with my business, with coaching. I know it's Lila's as well is partnering with really like-minded, value-driven and oriented organizations, and USA National Miss is definitely one of them. So, all right, go check it out. But let's dive in to our conversation today. I'm so excited.
Speaker 3:Can you tell we're excited about all this stuff Like? This is a fun episode. We got a lot of stuff on the roster.
Speaker 1:I'm vibing today. I'm vibing so hard I don't know what it is. We've been talking about doing this episode for months now and we know that a lot of you have requested can you talk about what it's like on the other side of competing? And so I know like Lila is still fresh off of that. We wanted to give her some time to just breathe and really figure out where she's at now. So no, it's been a couple of months of that. She's still got a lot going on with moving and getting engaged and launching coaching stuff and all the things. I feel like it's good timing now to be talking about this.
Speaker 3:I agree this is kind of why it took a bit, because people had started talking about this episode even before I had gave up my title and I don't want to say that I need to be an expert in anything, but I really wanted to at least have some experiences under my belt to be able to speak on something like this, rather than still being in the space that I know many of us are and I sometimes continue to still be without having those experiences, that kind of help, the conversation, and at least give me a sense and an idea of like yeah, what does it look like? So it took a bit, but I think for a good reason, and I kept telling people like it's on the list. I promise I was like I got to live my life, and then I'll let you know, okay.
Speaker 1:So my first question what is the biggest shift or aha for you in the past couple of months, since giving up your title in June?
Speaker 3:How I define success has completely changed, and I know that we had talked about this very recently in one of the most recent episodes, maybe the most recent one in one of the most recent episodes, maybe the most recent one, and it was really just, it was more so, how do we define success? But for me, I realized like and we have talked about this you're not getting to a graduation, you're not, there's no, say, deadline for paperwork or there's no deadline for picking out an outfit, and you're not in a competition space, so to speak. It's weird, because life can kind of feel like a competition on social media and people are always trying to one-up each other with blah, whatever it is, and I'm like, wow, I A don't have to view life like that anymore and, b I'm not putting myself in situations where I'm actively competing against other people. And, number three, I think the biggest difference is there's not as many people that are waiting for your next move or wondering what you're doing next, or waiting for your next post on social media, or trying to text you about certain things, like directors or people on your team, or like scheduling things. It just becomes really quiet in the best way, though I've loved being able to just listen to what I want and that's not selfish.
Speaker 3:I love being able to sit with myself, look at my life around me and decide okay, I like this part, we're going to keep this. I don't like that, I'm going to throw that out. It's a really comforting experience and I don't think I realized I was lacking that through the competition title holder life, because you're just go, go, go constantly, that you don't really have the time to not put your needs first, because I was many times putting my needs first as much as I could. But there's just a different level of you're putting a lot of other things in front of yourself to an extent, when you're competing and being a title holder and servicing and doing all of these things, that all of a sudden it's like you don't have to do that anymore. I don't know. It just becomes quiet. That's the best way that I can describe it. It's just it's it's a little bit more quiet.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I think you had a unique experience in that that quiet partly came from some of your decisions to I'm so sorry, my dog needs me for some reason.
Speaker 3:Oh my God, she's leaning next to the microphone. I wish you guys could see this right now.
Speaker 1:Do you have some true sense to share, gracie, I think part of it for you was that you had some time to breathe and that you were taking a step back from your career in media and broadcasting and in journalism and I, you know and stepping into role as coach, which is a very unique thing to be working for yourself and being on your own schedule and actually being able to like. Yesterday, I had a rotting day. I don't know if you don't know what that is Like. I learned it from my clients. I never actually understood what it was either, but I literally was just in bed all day, and so my husband made me like come downstairs on the couch with him later and I just kind of needed that day to veg. And I hopped on a call with Lila for like 15 minutes when we usually have like an hour and a half call on Mondays and I was like, yeah, I'm just not doing well today, so we're going to make this quick and then I'm going to go back to bed and we have the luxury to do that. I remember when I gave up my title of Miss Wisconsin in 2015,. I didn't have that luxury because I had started a full-time job already and it was a be there by 8.30 at the latest and you cannot leave until five kind of situation Monday through Friday. Plus I was salaried so I had extra hours on top of that. I know I know Lila's like gagging over here, yeah, exactly Like I still have nightmares about having to go back into that environment. It just doesn't work for me and I know that about myself now because of how heavily I burnt out and struggled with it back then.
Speaker 1:But for me, one of my biggest struggles, I think after giving up my title, was feeling like I didn't know my identity anymore. So when you're talking about this, like, how do I define success? It was similar to that in that I felt like I wasn't working towards anything, felt like because I wasn't traveling and doing all these cool, unique experiences and doing the public speaking thing and trying to make a difference through my platform and all that stuff. And, like you guys, I worked at a food bank in Milwaukee where my primary job was to help, you know, promote, collect, organize food drives and fundraisers and coordinate all the volunteers over 5,000 volunteers a year for this program and yet I still just didn't feel like I knew what my purpose was. It was such a weird identity shift for me and I really struggled with that, and I think that that can be a very similar experience for a lot of girls when they're done competing.
Speaker 1:The problem is we don't see that. No one really saw that of me on social media. I was still posting fun, cutesy pictures with my sister and with my boyfriend when we were going out at night or really cool work events that I was doing. I'm still posting all of that. So everybody on social media may have seen my stuff and thought, man, like she's got her life together, she's doing these cool things. But I didn't feel that because I in turn was looking at all of the girls that I had just competed with at Miss America doing really incredible things and feeling like they must be so happy and have their life together and I just felt stuck. It was a whole mess of comparison. That is different than when you're competing, if that makes sense.
Speaker 3:Oh, it does. I'm glad, because that was kind of. The next point was the comparison aspect and what that feels like post title holder, and especially when you've been competing for a long time, because there are some people that compete for a few years and it was fun for them and they did it because it was something new for them. And it was fun for them and they did it because it was something new for them. And you have those people and then you have the people that have been doing this since they were kids and one is not better versus the other. Before my year was done, after Miss Wisconsin, they had the best interest. But so many people would be like what's next? As in, are you competing again? And I would always be like, no, respectfully, I'm retired, I'm done, I'm good after this.
Speaker 3:And I had gotten kind of frustrated with somebody because they had kind of insinuated well, what do you mean? You're so successful in this world, why wouldn't you want to keep continuing and competing? And looking back, that's such a great compliment, right, but I think in the moment I was like I haven't known my life without competition like this continuously for 10 years. I'm in my early 20s, I have to find myself outside of this. I have to step away. Side of this. I have to step away. Looking back again like a great compliment, right, like I'm flattered, but at the same time I was like, wow, I mean, I just couldn't A okay, there was at one point where I couldn't imagine my life without it, but now it's like I couldn't imagine going back. You settle into the moment that you're into, because I think I didn't trust the process of when this was all going to be over. It would feel like an ending of an era and I wouldn't be trying to grasp onto these last minute straws of oh, I just want one more time on stage. Trust the fact that when you feel like your season is ending and that season of life is coming to an end, that is okay and that could be a good thing, because it was that hop over the fence that was really scary of not knowing what's on the other side and then being like, oh well, it makes total sense now that I'm here. So I had a point to all of that.
Speaker 3:But I guess the comparison aspect it could be difficult because you see the people that are still competing and in some sense I'm like, should I still be there?
Speaker 3:Should I still be thinking about that? And then you have the people that haven't competed, like I remember some girls that were big names and big title holders when we were junior teens and teens and haven't touched pageantry since, and so I don't know like the comparison comes in when you're looking at the people that you competed with, I think, but at the same time, who is to say that somebody else's journey was better or would have been better for somebody else, or you're not doing what is exactly right for you? Because I always thought, if I fell off the face of the earth after this, I don't care, who cares, you know what I mean, I could be in Timbuktu for all I care after Miss America. So I think I've kind of gotten to that point of, yeah, that path totally makes sense for that person and this path totally makes sense for me right now. But what is it that makes us fall back into the comparison? I guess is my question, because it still happens.
Speaker 1:I think, to your point. I think part of the reason that we compare is because everyone has such a different unique experience. So I think part of the reason that we compare is because everyone has such a different unique experience. So I think there's two parts to this. Number one you already mentioned it and I had said it before like we don't know what people are going through behind the scenes right, like I don't, people probably thought that I had all my stuff together, you know, living my best life here in Milwaukee after I gave up my title of Miss Wisconsin just because of how and what I was posting on social media. But you don't really know that that person that's posting all that stuff might actually be struggling on the other side. Lila, I see you, I see you going through all these changes, I see you through the growing pains and all the stuff, but the world doesn't, and so I can't imagine it being any different for me and any different for anybody else that we're watching on social media, and I don't think that means that we need to worry about people necessarily or pity people by any means, but just to keep that in mind for ourselves and keep ourselves in check when it comes to that comparison piece, if we could stay in our own lane and stop focusing on the crap in the corner I'm just always go back to that theme Then maybe we won't struggle with the comparison so much. But it's also again back to the growing pains. I don't.
Speaker 1:I think that, as we're talking about this topic, it would be so easy to just think, okay, guys, easier said than done, or okay, like you're so far removed in Lila is certainly less removed than I am at this point but like no, we get it. Like I want to acknowledge it's not easy, it's really difficult anytime and you know we have talked about it on the show, we've talked about it together in private that anytime that you're going through any kind of significant change, it throws you off balance. It's so uncomfortable, it's so scary, your nervous system goes into overdrive of fight, flight, freeze or fawn. It's not easy. So I think that's one thing to just keep in mind is, anytime you're going through change, you're going to be feeling that, and just because you're seeing something on social media, it sounds so cliche, it really does.
Speaker 1:But I'm just going to tell you from lived experience that just because, know, just because we see other people like doing all this cool stuff doesn't mean that they have it all together or feel amazing. Maybe they do, and good for them. That's great, because on the other side of that, just because they're living their best life and they're having a great experience and a great time, that's the path they chose. The universe laid out things for them based off of what they wanted and what they were passionate about and the opportunities that they had, the people that they met. You can't compare apples to oranges, because that's what you're doing. You're in a completely different space. Even if you have some similarities, you're different, and so comparing at that point is just it's just self-harm, really. It's just causing yourself to feel even more bad about yourself, and I wish I would have had someone to tell me that.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I think I just think social media is a beast because you'll even hear it for and this is why I felt I started to feel a lot better with the changes and the things that I was going through and all of the transitional periods and whatever it was figuring out my identity. Yeah, it was crazy. For a second I was like do I even like avocado toast? Did people just tell me that I liked avocado toast?
Speaker 1:It's like Runaway Bride when Julia Roberts is trying to figure out what kind of eggs she likes. The best.
Speaker 3:Yes, there were bigger life changes. Right Now, with this engagement, I'm a fiance. That's a whole transitional thing, and I started to feel a lot better when you realize that some of the people that we view as the most successful in this world, when you watch documentaries Simone Biles, taylor Swift, big names and you watch documentaries of them behind the scenes and there's always a moment of them either flat out saying or insinuating like I had no idea what I was doing, I didn't know if it was going to turn out well, but you know what? I just freaking did it anyways, and if I failed, I failed, and if I succeeded, awesome. And we move on to the next thing.
Speaker 3:I kind of had a moment, oh, and then I saw a quote that I think I reposted. That was like when nothing is certain, everything is possible, and I was like oof. That was really impactful to me too. So I hope that this helps not trying to say like, wow, I have it all together now and I feel great about all these transitional parts in my life. No, it's not easy. I wish you guys could see my apartment right now and the state that we are in with moving.
Speaker 1:Oh, it's organized chaos, it is chaos.
Speaker 3:They're like my couch is my desk and I like don't have a stand. We don't have a desk, like we don't even have a chair in this place. It is nuts and I wish that. Yeah, behind these beautiful engagement photos, that was one of the most special moments of my life, we're currently in the middle of a crazy move and don't have furniture. You know, like there's always this back end to it, and I was even just talking to my coworker the other day from the news station and and she will even mention like it is crazy, how, when you work in a public figure setting, like she does, she's a weekend anchor and people love her. I love her.
Speaker 3:And we were just talking about at dinner the other day about how social media hides so much, and we'll even talk about how, like our friends, acquaintances, whatever you call it that are kind of micro influencers or or influencers, and they'll be making these beautiful videos of them going on vacation with their families or whatever it is, and sometimes behind the scenes, it's like that was the worst vacation of my life or this, all of these things went wrong, and then you just see literally just the picture, perfect views. I don't know. I think this is more of a conversation now about social media, now that I'm thinking about it, but that is just a beast in and of itself, and I think that's why it's important to turn to a lot of different other platforms, whether it's books, whether it's documentaries, whether it's podcasts. I think that you just get a certain different level and perspective of people and humans in general, and so that's my spiel.
Speaker 3:I think I had a point to all of that again, but, like you made it, yeah, it's just social media. You guys, like I, I just I want to drill that into girls' heads, because I can't imagine being being a like even younger person, being a teenager or a preteen girl growing up in this generation and seeing all of this. I ugh.
Speaker 1:How about this Food for thought? It's pretty difficult to struggle with comparison when you don't have something to compare yourself to, so maybe remove the avenue for comparison. Remove the avenue for comparison more often than not and the struggle might dissipate a little bit.
Speaker 3:Just a thought yeah, this is kind of a philosophical question and I don't think we have to answer this, but again, food for thought. What are we comparing ourselves to?
Speaker 1:Yeah, and when we're feeling some sort of way, are we jealous? Is it a jealousy thing? Is it a lack of self-worth that somehow we feel like we're not good enough, we're not worthy enough? Yeah, because, okay. So this brings me to the next point. Yes, so a couple of things here. Yes, so a couple of things here.
Speaker 1:When you get done competing, you go from busy, type A personality grinding to make a difference in the world, to build up your resume so that it looks good, so that you have plenty to talk to the judges about, so that you have this impressive brand that you're putting out there. You go from that to well, now, what am I working towards? What's my purpose?
Speaker 1:I know that was the driving factor for me behind my pseudo identity crisis when I was done competing, because I didn't feel like I was working towards something. I didn't feel like I had anything to show for my time or for my life, and I went through a lot of like I feel like I need to be working towards something. Maybe I should like apply for an MBA program, or maybe I should join the Peace Corps, or like maybe I need to figure out how to move across the country, or all these things that was running through my mind of like I was trying to maintain that mentality, that mindset of a competitor that is constantly on the go, constantly trying to figure out how to improve. It wasn't even myself. I wasn't even focused on improving myself. It was improving the way that I look to the world, based off of what I was doing and also feeling like I needed to be doing something incredible, to somehow be worthy.
Speaker 3:Yes, I'm ready to jump in here. Another quote. I don't know about quotes today. I love it. Be more focused on how your life feels rather than how it looks. There's that part.
Speaker 3:And then this makes me think of when we as humans or maybe we as women and this is why I'm so passionate about working with young women, and I think a big reason why you are too is we want to empower you, not just because it's a buzzword, but because when I felt there wasn't anything laid out for me in my life, or there wasn't, like you said, something specific that I was working towards or some measure of success by other people and what they were seeing, all of a sudden, yes, you're kind of having an identity crisis and you feel out of control, but what I really think it is is that you have so much control over your life now that we almost don't know what to do with it. We're not really owning the fact that we you talk about this we create our experiences. We don't get to choose the circumstances in our life, but we get to make decisions for ourselves that can change parts of our lives, and they might be difficult decisions, but we have this control over our lives and I think for me, when I realized I had all of this control in my life, that I was an adult that could make all of my own decisions, and frankly, like I look around and I'm like, oh my God, like nobody's going to stop us from moving across the country, we can do that and obviously there are different factors and means and whatever, but like you, can make decisions in your life and the job that you're doing and quit your job to start your own business. Like you, I had the control to do that Craziness and I think there were times when I felt the most insecure as I was lacking the empowerment to actually own the control that I had. That, to me, is kind of the biggest thing post-titleholder life is that, as empowered and as amazing as you felt on stage as a title holder, competing at nationals, all of these things you don't lose that when you leave the world of pageantry.
Speaker 3:And I think we feel like we do because we're not thrown into spaces where it like smacks us in the face.
Speaker 3:But now it's up to us to own the control and the empowerment that we have over our own lives and that's why I'm so passionate about working with young women, because I wish more people knew that, because I was just control and the empowerment that we have over our own lives, and that's why I'm so passionate about working with young women, because I wish more people knew that, because I was just talking to a client A lot of people are going through this to the aging out and the different changes and the different divisions that are happening with Miss America, and we were just talking about how can this just be a good experience for you?
Speaker 3:Can we just focus on you having a good time owning who you are in this process and also as a coach for me? I want you to get things out of our program that you can take with you for the rest of your life, not just what's going to benefit you from this last year that you're competing and that was a really beautiful conversation too, because now we're talking about life post-pageantry, before we've even really started diving into coaching, and that's awesome. So that's a perfect example of owning the experience and then knowing that you have the tools and you have the ability to empower yourself after.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I love everything you just said and love it so much because so often the biggest thing that I'm focusing on with my clients especially like the go-getters, the ones that just really have had it drilled into them that they need to be doing something and going constantly I mean the thing that we work on the most in those cases is balance, self-acceptance, focusing on the joy of it rather than the productivity of it. Focusing on the feeling rather than the outcome. Focusing on the why, on your big picture, on your lifelong goals rather than just a means to an end. Being like I'm going to do X, y and Z so that it looks good on paper and it sounds good in interviews, so that maybe they'll pick me, so that maybe I'll win this title. It's so much deeper than that and once we can look at the depth, I mean I think what causes some of this disruption in our identity in such a drastic way is when we have been focusing on some of the more shallow things and the things that like the doing instead of the feeling, because then, when you're no longer doing and, like you know, you haven't learned how to focus on like the feeling and the joy and the like doing things just because it, you know, builds your vibes up, like like what we're doing on this podcast right now, doing it literally just for the joy of it, lila, and vibes up like like what we're doing on this podcast right now, doing it literally just for the joy of it.
Speaker 1:Lila and I have been like have you looked to see how many like downloads or like how people are feeling about like the episodes? And both of us were like, nah, it's been a bit, we should check that out. But we're literally just doing it like hitting record just to have a fun conversation together and knowing that, like, whoever needs to hear it is going to hear it. So it's not about we're not focusing on the outcome, we're focusing on the joy of it. And I think that is the disservice of so often. When you're being told to push, push, push and grind and like do X, y and Z in order to succeed, when you're not focusing on the balance, when you're not focusing on the joy, when you're not focusing on the feeling of it, then you're building yourself up for this huge letdown in your identity shifts and it can be kind of catastrophic for a little while in your life.
Speaker 3:I wouldn't care if three people listened. I just find this fun. This is just fun. Number two this also makes me think of another Get Coached Live conversation that we had and we were talking about comparison, specifically when it comes to like during pageantry and paperwork, and then comparing yourself to other people who, quote, have really successful jobs that society views as really successful and maybe you don't.
Speaker 3:And I remember talking to her and being like would you still go to this event or would you still do your organization and be a part of this program if you weren't going to post about it on social media? Or if there was not 100 people in the room? Like what if there was five people? Or would you do it if you didn't have the connections with the people that you talk about that you don't see on social media? No, we wouldn't do that media. No, we wouldn't do that in all of these events and the things. If A there weren't any people there and we weren't making any connections, I would still go to an event or do something cool if somebody said you're not allowed to post about this on social media. So we're still doing these things anyways, and we naturally gravitate towards these cool things and the things that we love to do, and these programs and the service because of the feeling that it gives us. But we just have to recognize that If you were to take all of the social media part away, or all of like the glitz and the glamour of it, like would you still do it just to make connections with people? And nine times out of 10, people would say yes. So that just kind of proves that like, it is just the feeling of it. And you're right when we're not focusing on the feeling of it and when it is just about the honestly, the temporary, like physical, worldly stuff. I'm going to go there we're focusing on the stuff that doesn't last and it is temporary and it is very surface level and shallow. And that's when we feel empty, because we've been putting all of ourselves into this temporary thing. And I don't know how spiritual people are, but I think for me it's recognizing that, like, what am I actually going to take with me Sorry, this is morbid, but like to my deathbed, what? The last thing that I'm going to be thinking about is that social media post, like I can't even say it without laughing, but it's true though. And then that really does take out the comparison, because then I'm almost done, but then we have, like, what I do, what this person is doing, and would it give me the same feeling? Probably not Right. But we have teachers, we have doctors.
Speaker 3:Would I be in the military because it looks cool to other people, if I didn't find fulfillment through service in that way, if I didn't find fulfillment through being a teacher or a doctor, would I do that, just so I could say that I did it? No, I didn't even stick around in the news right now because I didn't find fulfillment in that right now and that's something that I thought would be my service work for life. And so take that as an example, because I studied in school and I still love the job of journalism. There's a lot of outside factors in play, obviously, but what I thought that was in my entire platform competing. That was crazy to me. That was my whole platform competing, and now it looks a little bit different. I physically could not keep going because I wasn't fulfilled in the way that I needed to be in this part in my life right now.
Speaker 1:Absolutely, and I find myself in the same experiences too in terms of, like the things that I decided I didn't want to do anymore. There were still parts of it that I'm doing today. It was just there were certain aspects of it that just didn't work for me, I think you know, as we wrap up this conversation, I think a good just just check, just a self check, for you is like so I was just thinking about how little I post on social media, but how much I actually do in my life that you guys don't see because I'm not posting on social media. I went to a Brewer game on Sunday and I caught a ball and I have a cute picture with me and this ball, but I still haven't posted that.
Speaker 1:Ask yourself, how much joy am I experiencing in this, and will I still experience the same level of joy if I don't share it with the world that I did it?
Speaker 1:I know that there are times when I sit back and think I feel like I really should be here's the should that's the judgment should be posting these things because we have this following. I think people might be interested in what I'm doing with my life, but then at the same time, I'm like I'm not really an influencer in that way and I don't find joy in posting and I like it's just not part of my experience that brings me joy. So like ask yourself, like, would you still have just as much fun doing this if you weren't taking pictures and posting it all over social media to like show the world that you're doing it? Are you posting just for the fun of posting, cause you really enjoy posting, and it's kind of like you building a record and kind of like a digital um, like a digital scrapbook of your life and it's fun for you to look back on and for your family and friends to see?
Speaker 1:or are you doing it because you're trying to be impressive and show off like that? You have a life outside of you know, whatever. I think that's probably a good just self-check and analysis for yourself, and I think for me it's also just helpful to remind myself it's okay that I'm not posting and still loving my life and living my life and having fun with my husband and building these memories Like that's. That's what's important to me. Now I've had people specifically request that I post on Instagram when I'm in Italy, so you'll probably see more of that.
Speaker 3:I hope you do. I really hope you do. Travel photos are so fun. I love living through people and their travels focused, and I think we were. I wrote down three words supposed to be. I think that we need to stop. Like you said, the shoulds. It's something I talk about with my therapist a lot too, because I am somebody that grew up in a household with lots of expectations and what is the supposed to be supposed to be? I ask myself that a lot too. I say that I'm supposed to be doing this. Now. It goes back to that control and that empowerment over your own life. Who's saying that besides me? And if I really give myself that empowerment that I preach and that I try to teach other girls and give them the same tools, I got to practice what I preach too. So those three words supposed supposed to be? I don't know. Take that with you, and that's something that I have to remind myself of is like what is supposed to be?
Speaker 1:powerful. I think that just felt very much like a conversation that needed to be had and I hope I don't have a takeaway for myself personally. I just have a hope that that if you're listening, if you made it this far, that you found some nuggets and some takeaways that are going to be helpful for you in your day to day. And just know that it's not linear.
Speaker 1:Grieving the ending of any kind of chapter, era or season of your life is not linear. Grieving in general is not linear and change is going to cause an upset in your nervous system. You're going to feel that if you can understand and recognize that that's what's happening, you don't have to like it but not fight it. That might be more helpful for you than scrolling through social media and feeling bad about yourself because you're not living your life like somebody else is, or multiple other people are, from your perspective. Stop scrolling, look away from the crap in the corner, figure out what it is that brings you the joy and lean into that, and if you need a rotting day, that's okay. I had lots of shoulds going on in my head yesterday during my rotting day, but I also kept thinking to myself everything's working out for me and I will feel better tomorrow and here, I am.
Speaker 1:I cleaned my house, did a really good workout, had a great conversation with all of you, and I have a consult after this and I'm really excited about it.
Speaker 3:Yeah, me too, actually later today. I know that there are and I want to acknowledge this that there are circumstances where people feel like they don't necessarily have control over their lives or their schedules, and I understand there are factors at play when you are figuring out life and finances and your career or family or whatever it is. But there's always a choice that you can make. Logan always tells me this too you always have a choice and that's kind of my. I guess hope, like you said, or takeaway for this episode, is that there are always going to be factors at play and there are always going to be things that happen in circumstances that we cannot control.
Speaker 3:But don't do yourself the disservice or the disjustice or injustice of not giving yourself a choice in situations to take care of yourself or to find a new identity or to find a new hobby.
Speaker 3:Or I'm thinking about now when we talked to Maddie Miss America and how she was like I was known as the astronaut girl growing up and all of a sudden I just didn't want to be an astronaut anymore and I thought that it was going to be like the ending of the world and nobody cared.
Speaker 3:So give yourself that choice to fail, to mess up, to make the wrong decision, but at least don't sit in the space of feeling paralyzed, like you cannot move in any direction or wherever you want to be, because I think this is what it all comes down to. Post-titleholder life is we don't have that structure anymore, we don't have something that we're working towards, and I think we can often feel paralyzed in all of that. So remember that you have a choice. Remember that you have times and moments where you can make decisions and you always have some control over your experience not your circumstances, but the way that you experience things. And that's what I want to leave on, and acknowledge that it can be difficult, but we all have that empowerment. We're allowed that and we're allowed to give that to ourselves.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and with that, take what works for you, you guys, and leave the rest for now, because we're all at different spaces right now, emotionally and mentally, and just take what works for you and don't feel like you're failing if something isn't hitting right now.
Speaker 1:So there you go and, as I say to my clients, onward and upward, yeah, I don't know if I've said that on Sash and Soul yet, so that felt good, it's been a minute, all right. Well, congratulations, lila. Can't wait to see more of your engagement photos and to just kind of be witness to the anticipation and the joy and the excitement of everything you've got going on right now. And yeah, with that, you're welcome. Be well everyone.
Speaker 3:Check out UNM. Yes, all of the things will have that below an amazing organization, and we'll talk more too as we lead up with all of the updates and how it's going. But, yeah, kind of a big episode that I didn't realize was going to be so big and so fun. But there's that. We'll end it here.
Speaker 1:Cool. We will talk with you next week. Everyone Bye, see you. If you aspire to be as confident and accomplished as the women we talk to on this show, then this exclusive opportunity is tailor-made for you. I'm offering a complimentary, fearlessly authentic coaching consultation designed specifically for women like yourself.
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