Sash & Soul
Welcome to the "Fearlessly Authentic: Sash & Soul Podcast," the show that goes beyond the stage to prioritize mindset, wellbeing, and triumphs in the pageant journey. Each episode explores the power of embracing authenticity, sharing mindset tips, self-care strategies, and inspiring success stories to help you navigate the pageant world with confidence and resilience.
Sash & Soul
#36 Beyond the Crown: Cierra Nalani Richards, Miss Royal United Universe
Cierra Nalani Richards, Miss Royal United States, joins us for an engaging discussion on mental health and wellness, sharing her compelling journey from military life to the world of pageantry. She opens up about her experience in the Air Force, offering a candid look into the emotional challenges she faced, including her hospitalization for mental health issues.
Her story of resilience and the support she received along the way is both powerful and inspiring, shedding light on the importance of setting personal goals and maintaining mental wellness.
About Cierra:
Cierra Nalani Richards is a doctoral student, United States Air Force veteran, and current Miss United Universe. With over two decades of dedicated service to the American Cancer Society, she exemplifies a mission-minded and servant-hearted approach in all endeavors. Her background reflects a lifelong commitment to leadership, service, and community impact, consistently driven by her passion for making a difference.
Instagram: @uniteduniverseprod and @missroyaluniteduniverse
Facebook: Royal United Universe Pageants (United Universe Productions) and Miss Royal United Universe
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Socials: @sashandsoul | @fearlesslyauthenticcoach | @raeannajohnson
Websites: www.fearlesslyauthentic.com | www.sashandsoul.com
Email: info@fearlesslyauthenticcoach.com
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Hey, sash and Soul Fam. Before we dive into today's episode, I want to give you a quick heads up. We'll be discussing mental health, which may include conversations about anxiety, depression and suicide. If you or someone you know is struggling, help is available. You can call or text 988 to reach the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, or visit 988lifelineorg for free confidential support 24-7. Take care of yourself and if this episode feels too heavy, it's okay to pause or skip. You're not alone and your well-being matters. Now let's get into it.
Speaker 1:Hello everyone, welcome back to Sash and Soul. I am so excited to welcome a guest today on the podcast. Sierra Richards is Miss Royal United States. She has graciously said she would join me to talk about like a really powerful topic. Today we're going to talk about mental health, mental wellness and receiving treatment for your mental health and wellness, no matter what goal you're going for. So let me give you a little background before I officially introduce Sierra here.
Speaker 1:I hosted the January masterclass at the end of January and Sierra was one of the attendees in the masterclass, and during the masterclass, we were talking about our 2025 vision and setting goals. I talked about some of the experiences that I've had in the past that have led me to where I'm at today and really influence my vision for myself, no matter what goals I'm setting, and one of the things that I've experienced is being hospitalized for mental health, and so, after sharing that story in the masterclass year, I had reached out to me. We connected just in a DM and I started going down the rabbit hole of looking at her Facebook page or Instagram and everything, and she had a pinned post about her experience with mental health treatment and being hospitalized, and so we hopped on a call and had a really beautiful conversation and decided, like this is such a valuable topic that we wanted to bring it to all of you as well. So, with that, welcome, sierra. Thank you for joining me.
Speaker 1:I'm super excited to dive into this with you today, just to have a really genuine, authentic conversation about, kind of a serious and stigmatized topic. So why don't you go ahead and introduce yourself?
Speaker 2:Thank you so much for having me. Yes, as you said, my name is Sierra Nalani Richards. I was born in Hawaii, but I grew up in Washington State and currently I hold the title of Miss United Universe. And I actually have this title for two years. So this is my second year and it's been a really beautiful experience because my director has been so supportive throughout the hospitalization and the different things that I faced being in the Air Force, where I wasn't able to do some of the appearances I wanted to or be as involved as I've been in the past, so she has been wonderful in working with me through all of this. I'm currently a doctoral student and just really my biggest thing is being mission minded and servant hearted, so anything I can do to help others, that's why I'm going into medical, that's what I did in the Air Force and I just really want people to feel better.
Speaker 1:So, okay, let's dive into a little bit. How did you get to the military to begin with?
Speaker 2:Of course. So it started out when I was in high school. Of course the recruiters were coming into the lunchroom and everyone had always had this stereotype that the most intelligent people go into the Air Force right, just like how the strongest people go into the Marines. So I always wanted to go into the Air Force and it was something that I was trying to pursue, but it wasn't wholeheartedly at that point because I didn't know what career path I wanted to go into. At that point I was like a lot of people where I kind of assumed that the military was just going to be more of that almost infantry style job. I didn't realize that there's so many career opportunities in the military. So everyone was telling me get your degrees first and then go in. So within those nine years from high school and joining because I joined- much later than most people.
Speaker 2:I earned my master's and I had all of these wonderful opportunities, studying abroad and having all this vast career experience. And then it was right before COVID that I thought okay, this is a dream that I had and I want to fulfill it. And so the Air Force, unfortunately, wasn't calling me back, and so I tried to sign up for active guard and reserve. And of course, there is the stereotype that the Air Force isn't the most communicative because it's one of the harder branches to get into. And so at this point I knew that there was a Navy recruiting station just about 30 minutes away and I put in an interest form online and I was just so eager that I ended up calling them right after I put the interest form in and I told them ship me for anything, I don't mind what job, just whatever leaves the soonest. I'm so excited to join. I think this is really the next step for me. And we went in there. We spent hours, me and my dad, talking with my recruiter and they were just very fun, loving and real, and that's what I think I love so much about the Navy side is it's so authentic.
Speaker 2:And so I ended up going through a bunch of tests. I think it ended up being like 22 tests. I was qualifying for everything that I possibly want to do and it was the I believe he's a chief petty officer. He told me oh, why don't you try aviation? And at that point I was terrified to fly so I thought, absolutely not, I have no interest in that. But he really encouraged me, saying well, you have really excelled in all these other categories, don't cut yourself off from an opportunity. And so I started studying aviation and just absolutely fell in love with it. And so it was three days before I was about to ship for Naval flight officer and the Air Force finally calls me back after nine years, that's so wild.
Speaker 1:To me it's so wild and like, and two, I just I keep thinking like man, like it's like the second, that you kind of release the thing that you want the most and you start kind of going in a different direction, exploring other options. It's like that opportunity pops up. It's like when you lost your keys and you feel like you've searched everywhere, and it's like when you finally give up and stop looking, then they just like show up on the countertop. It's like when you lost your keys and you feel like you've searched everywhere, and it's like when you finally give up and stop looking, then they just like show up on the countertop. It's like. To me it's that kind of a concept and I don't know if that sounds crazy, but for me that's like law of attraction, manifestation, kind of energy of like. Let it go, release it, it'll come to you.
Speaker 2:Absolutely. And I think that with people too like if we have that anxious energy trying to attach to anything, that's when we're going to have that opposite magnetic repelling right, you really want to just say if it's for me, it'll come to me Going into the Air Force side. Really, I didn't want. My biggest fear was that I would feel that I was settling if I didn't go for what I wanted first, and so I didn't want to have whether it be a great or a negative Navy experience. I didn't want to constantly be comparing it to what my Air Force experience would have been.
Speaker 2:So I went into it thinking, okay, the Air Force is giving me a chance, let's go Air Force. If I don't like the Air Force, I can always join another branch after. And so I switched to Air Force three days before shipping for the job that I really wanted, and I just told them I want to go open general, whatever you want to ship me for. And so I actually went through all of training and by graduation day I think it might've been maybe the day before graduation, because they were supposed to tell us a couple of weeks beforehand, but they didn't know, so it was like the day before graduation, they finally told me my job and they told me I'd be going into aerospace medical services and I thought that sounds amazing.
Speaker 2:Of course I want to do that, like this is great. And of course there again is all these stereotypes about how medical is the best job. Everyone wants medical and so I was excited, but it was also, I would say, almost serendipitous that I had avoided medical my entire education leading up to that, because I have so many friends and family members that are nurses in the medical field and I think I just had that thought that like I wanted to be different, right, like I didn't want to do what everyone else was doing, I wanted to forge my own path, and so I really avoided medical and then the air force brought it to me, which, like we're saying, once you release it, it'll come to you.
Speaker 1:Yes, a hundred percent. Well, and it just, I think, from the short time that I've known you and the just, you know, brief conversations that we've had, like this desire to be different definitely seems like it is, is a part of who you are and it's such a beautiful aspect of who you are and probably we're going to dive into this too but like, probably one of the reasons that you dove into pageantry and continue to, you know, strive for that self-improvement and, like you said, like forging different pathways for yourself on your journey. So I, yeah, I think that's beautiful, I think you, you definitely need to like own that, that part of who you are.
Speaker 2:And I appreciate you saying that, because of course it can be very hard when you feel like you're not necessarily fitting in like that perfect puzzle piece, right?
Speaker 2:And that was one of my struggles, I would say, in the Air Force is I became such a people pleaser because I wanted to fit in so much and I feel like my personality almost changed 180 from who I was before the military just because, even though in certain aspects I feel like I was supported, for example, when I was in training you're not supposed to be able to take leave for anything but they allowed me to compete at nationals.
Speaker 1:And so there yes, right, okay.
Speaker 2:So there was certain aspects of great support and wonderful people that I met that of course, wanted the best for me. But then there was also a lot of fighting the negative pageant stereotypes. I mean, when I came into my first station I wasn't going to tell anyone of my title because of course I didn't want them to think that I wouldn't be stereotypically not strong enough or you know that I'm just here almost as maybe here not for the right reasons is what I was scared of. And so I came in. I was just trying to be this very humble, people pleasing nurse and what happened was, I think a lot of people once they saw, like my social media or I was open about what I had done and what I was really. I think in pageantry we are excited to talk about what we've accomplished because we know how hard we work for it. But on the outside people just see, maybe, the crown and they think we just get these opportunities Right.
Speaker 2:But the truth is we have to work so hard. So of course I'm going to be so excited to share these things and I think there was that disconnect there in that if I was coming in being so excited about something I'd accomplished, people were seeing it more as arrogance or seeing it as me trying to distinguish myself from them.
Speaker 1:And so then I would backtrack and try to people please and try to really just fit the mold and try to hide all the parts of myself that made me who I was before the Air Force is so crazy that you are talking about this right now, because last week's episode was about humility versus confidence, and no, yes and like and try trying to figure out how do we disconnect our our perception of what we think other people might be thinking of us or the way that they react to us and and then have to, like, change ourselves and change the way that we are talking about ourselves and and like becoming more of that like, I don't know.
Speaker 1:It goes beyond humility when you have to really close off specific parts of who you are and, yeah, that's super unfortunate. I wanted to ask you do you experience the reverse not reverse stereotypes, but vice versa stereotypes as a pageant title holder being military at the same time, like within the world of pageantry, do you feel the same level of stereotypes against you as a military member that you did as a pageant girl in the military?
Speaker 2:I would say like when I went to nationals during training, I was so proud to be in the Air Force.
Speaker 2:I wanted every single aspect of my pageant journey to really highlight that, because not only did I think that it made me a little different in a standout type way because of course we've had Deshauna Barber, we've had many military pageant title holders at this point but I think I was so proud going into the pageant side to be military, but I didn't have that opportunity on the military side to be proud of being the pageant side to be military, but I didn't have that opportunity on the military side to be proud of being a pageant girl Interesting. Yeah, I think that really came down to. I put a lot into what is my identity and what makes me worthy. And of course you know, if you're trying to earn your worth, it's never going to work out. But I thought, okay, if I can get this job, if I can get this rank, if I can get this title, then I'll finally be worthy. And of course it never works out like that and I think that's honestly what led to everything that led to my 104 day hospitalization.
Speaker 1:Right right, because, oh my gosh, there's such a contrast between the two. In pageantry, you are celebrated for the uniqueness that you bring and you're celebrated for these other experiences that you bring to the table that make you dynamic and diverse in your experiences. But in the military, from what I understand, you are in many ways another number and your uniqueness is not celebrated in the military, because you are all there for this very humble purpose to be a team in defense of our country and our freedoms.
Speaker 2:Yes, I would say that is probably the biggest thing I've struggled with in the Air Force is I came in with so many aspirations, like when I was in family medicine I wanted to be in pediatrics. When I was in pediatrics I wanted to be in immunizations and I was going to like, hopefully, go to immunizations. I was also wanting to put in this package for the rated preparatory program so I could fly, and it's because I knew from my pageant experiences that I could do everything right. Like I'm very, I would say I don't stop myself from any opportunity because, even if it doesn't go how I hoped, at least I know right. So I'm not saying that I'm extremely talented or anything like that.
Speaker 2:I just know that once you try things that you may not have, that's where you find your passion, and that's exactly what happened with aviation, that's exactly what happened with medical, and so I think my yeah, biggest struggle was when I was on the civilian side. I could always make things happen right, like I could work for it and I could attain it, but in the military it's really tough having just a bunch of no's with no explanation. It's like I have this opportunity. I lived about three hours from LA and I told my supervisor I have this opportunity to do this amazing photo shoot in LA and it was just a no, no conversation, no explanation, and that was always, I think, the hardest part for me because, coming from the pageant side, I think we're just movers and shakers and we make things happen.
Speaker 1:That had to have been such an exhausting and daunting experience for you, and the other thing that I remember you mentioning was that you were bunking with a lot of people that were younger than you.
Speaker 2:Air Force journey, joining later because of course I'm in a spot where I want to work on my doctorate and I'm just at a different spot in life and not to shame or blame anyone else for their different spots that they may be in but I didn't want to be partying late into the night. That was never my scene. I wanted to go home and read a book and go to sleep at eight because I knew I was going to wake up at four. I was not the kind that wanted to constantly be going out with people and there would always be these barbecues, these loud barbecues, outside my window. And it was a challenge because I could appreciate why people wanted that more social and fun atmosphere. But my mindset was I have things to accomplish and I need to stay focused. So if I'm coming home, I want not complete silence, but I want a peaceful environment so that I can study and so that I can learn, so that I can be better for my patients.
Speaker 1:So you're in the Air Force Feels like Groundhog's Day. You are, you know, trying so hard to climb the ranks and to be the best that you can be within the Air Force and for the Air Force. What happened? Like what? How did things kind of start to head towards that? The hospitalization.
Speaker 2:Yes, absolutely so. I think that, because my worth has always been based in achievement, I doubled down and burnt the candle at both ends, because for every no that I received, I would just try to find a new avenue to accomplish something else. So if I was told, oh, you can't be an immunizations backup technician at this time, totally fine, I'll come back to it. But I still have to be working towards something, because that's just my personality. I can't stay stagnant, because that's when I get in my head. But as long as I'm constantly working towards something, that's when I'm really able to just put all of that, what could potentially be negative energy, into something productive. And so, goodness.
Speaker 2:I think that what went wrong was because I wanted to fly, because that was my main goal coming out of medical to fly, going back to my Navy roots was I didn't want anything to be charted.
Speaker 2:So when I started feeling very anxious or started to experience those depression symptoms, what happened was I doubled down on.
Speaker 2:We're just going to internalize that and we're going to try to be productive in other ways. And what I found was, the more I ignored it, the worse it got, and I tried to do everything I knew to do? I would be watching all kinds of self-help videos, listening to every podcast I could find on self-love, reading every self-compassion book, just doing everything I could. That wouldn't alert the Air Force that I was having issues, because I didn't want them to think that I wasn't in a duty-ready condition just because I was working so hard to be the best that I could be. It was during that time that I'm still trying to do some of the things I love, like I would go flying all the time, not through the Air Force, but just on my own time civilian side. But what I do when I'm doubling down on achievement and productivity is I really do put everything that would make me happy or feel fulfilled to the side and just hone all in on being as productive as I possibly can.
Speaker 1:And it was a recipe for disaster.
Speaker 2:Yes, absolutely. I know. That's even how I am now being in school. I will tell myself things like well, if I watch 30 lectures a day, then I can be ahead and I can take the test by this date. And it's not realistic. But in my head it's all about getting to that finish line and I really struggle with being mindful in the present moment.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I think that's such a common, common experience for anyone that is driven, anyone that is goal oriented, anyone that you know values achievement so much for themselves, like that makes perfect sense. I don't think there's any shame in that by any means. It's just a matter of really understanding that aspect of yourself and figuring out how to find that balance and prioritizing that balance, which is just something you know we all learn as we go through it.
Speaker 2:Yes. So I started speaking with the chaplain and it was mainly because there was supposed to be full confidentiality and so, again, I didn't want anything charted. So I figured, great, let's get a spiritual perspective. And, and so I figured, great, let's get a spiritual perspective and let's find almost a counseling type service, but not in a way where it's going to be marked on my record oh, she was seen by mental health, because then of course they would assume that you're a flight risk, and then why would they send you to a rated preparatory program or anything of the like?
Speaker 2:So it was actually a day, it was a Sunday, because I had went to church that morning. I had just messaged the chaplain and I told him like I'm just feeling completely hopeless, I don't know what to do, like I feel like everything that's worked for me for 26 years before that wasn't working, where I doubled down on working harder or just trying new avenues. And his idea was okay, well, let's meet up, let's talk, and we did. And then he said why don't we just go to the ER? We'll see if there's a physical reason that you're feeling this way, and then you can go back to work tomorrow. It was a Sunday night, and so at that time I was thinking, yes, of course that makes total sense. Like my labs could be off or anything that would be causing this, like I trusted wholeheartedly that I was going to go to work that next day and it did not turn out that way.
Speaker 1:What influenced like your decision to go along with going to the ER.
Speaker 2:He actually brought up like what if this was physical? I don't think that I was really thinking that that could be the reason. I really did think that it was more mental health. But when he said what if there's a physical reason, I thought this is perfect. If I'm getting checked out for a physical reason, it doesn't stop me from doing what I want to going forward.
Speaker 2:There's no line across my application of oh, we can't have her because she has a history of mental illness or anything like that, which is still so stigmatized in the military. Of course we talk about how it's gotten better on the civilian side, but there's a lot of problems that I guess snowball once you start seeing mental health in the military. But that's the other side of that is. It stopped me in the way of okay, now I can't fly. But it also is something that if you need that help, you need to seek that help and I think that's the best thing is keeping yourself safe and healthy over anything, because I was completely ready to just give up my health completely for the opportunity to fly and that wouldn't have been beneficial. Even if I would have earned that opportunity, I wouldn't have been in the proper healthy space to thrive like I wanted to Right.
Speaker 1:So so your, your trip to the ER had everything to do with.
Speaker 1:Let's look at everything you know from the inside out of what could be causing you know the elevated stress, the you know other you know mental health things that you were experiencing. My experience going to the ER had everything to do with I was suicidal and I was in a very dangerous space for, you know, being at risk to myself. And so it's just, it's fascinating to me the differences in the urgency between our two stories, that it was dire that that I receive support immediately. But when I hear your story I just get brokenhearted because it just adds to the stigma and the fear of talking to someone to seek that help. And I can understand and appreciate if you know, within the military that just it's a lot of well, this could be really catastrophic because of the rates of PTSD and suicide that we see amongst veterans that you know the response is, you know, maybe a little heightened because of that, but for the circumstance that you were in, I just that's so disheartening to me that that was your experience. So, okay, let's dive back in.
Speaker 2:So you go to the ER yes, and at this point I had no reason to believe that I would be having this extended stay. So I asked the chaplain to stay with me the entire time, and he did. He was wonderful, and where everything changed was I remember him telling me that he was finally going to go home, because like I said, it was a Sunday night.
Speaker 2:He had to work the next day and it was late, it was probably around midnight or something, I can't really remember and so I thought like, okay, yeah, totally fine, I'll be home soon or in a couple hours.
Speaker 2:I'll be going to work the next day too. And then, as soon as he leaves, they're escorting me out and I'm thinking my car is this way. I brought my car because I'm thinking I'm going to work. They're escorting me out the other side of the building and what they're telling me is that for any mental health concerns military side, not only are you going to have this 72 hour hold, the 5150, but you also have to go into basically an inpatient program. And so it's not like the civilian side where it's just like the stabilization and then you get to go home and be with friends and family. Like I was absolutely shocked that when I went in I'm absolutely shocked that when I went in I didn't feel like I was exhibiting any signs of needing immediate help. I mean, I knew that it was more of a chronic thing at that point. It wasn't an acute that I'm like, like you said, disassociation or anything that was very like. In this moment we need to stabilize.
Speaker 2:It wasn't critical you weren't in a state of crisis, you weren't at risk to yourself or to anybody else. Yeah, it was just this, I don't even know how to describe it. It was a whirlwind because, yes, I knew that I was not in a healthy place, but I didn't think that the action they took was beneficial, in that it was more traumatizing to me to be taken away from my car. Of course, when you're going into inpatient, like your strip search, you have no access to your phone.
Speaker 2:You don't have anything, anything. They put us in um scrubs, which was funny, because I thought like, oh, okay, well, I guess this kind of lends to my job, right? I was trying to make any kind of connection familiar, yeah, and I just kept thinking like, okay, so I'm fully compliant, I'm fully emotionally regulated, they're going to let me go. This is just like gone way too far. There was a misunderstanding, and so basically what happened was when I first received care at dignity, it was going to be a 72 hour hold and they told me that they would speak. I would speak with the doctor in the morning and then they would decide what happened.
Speaker 2:At this point I still didn't know the whole inpatient side of things, so I just thought, okay, I'll speak with the doctor, then I go to work. I just wanted to get to work, I wanted to see my patients. I really just did not want to be in that situation anymore. And so when I spoke with the doctor, I was very, very, very surprised how curt he was with me, because I was thinking, if you're speaking with a patient that is struggling more than anything, why would you be so harsh and critical and just the absolute opposite of empathetic and I remember calling the chaplain and I was sobbing. It was the first time I had shown emotion throughout this entire thing, and it had probably been I don't even know just a day at that point and I told him like I got to get out of here. This isn't what I wanted, this isn't helpful, this is making things worse. And basically what I was told was you're going to be sent to a place called Rio Vista and it's going to be like a vacation, it's going to be someplace where you can relax and recuperate and learn skills. And I did not want to go, but I also thought, okay, I'll trust the process. This is terrifying, this is not what I wanted, but let's see how it is. And I get there.
Speaker 2:And again, just the immediacy of it was, I think, the most traumatizing, because you're getting searched again, you're having I didn't even get to pack my bag my first sergeant packed my bag, so I didn't even really necessarily know what was in my bag and, of course, you can only have your three outfits and like one book, that's it. And so I'm in Rio Vista and I remember just going into this big day room because throughout the day, we were only allowed to be in the day room for safety reasons, and I was just beyond shocked, sad, confused, like just so much fear, and I didn't know what to expect. And I just remember again, this was the second time throughout this whole process I just started sobbing. So I was at this lunch table, surrounded by everyone.
Speaker 2:My first impression was me sobbing, and I don't remember a lot of specifics from when I was inpatient and I think that's just because it was so overwhelming and the issue I had was it was a higher level of care than I felt like I needed, and so we I was in a space where people were detoxing or experiencing active psychosis or these other issues that I wasn't suffering from, and so it was really scary to be put in a situation that I had never been in before, because maybe if I had worked more on the mental health side of things, I would have understood more, because I think I did learn a lot. Like before I went to Rio Vista, I knew absolutely nothing about psychosis, and now I have just the most immense empathy because I would be speaking with these patients and they would be just as sad and frustrated because they're saying I'm here for this issue, but I don't believe I have this issue. But then you're almost feeling like you're being gaslit to a certain extent because everyone else is telling you what your problem is, when you don't feel like it is. And then, yeah, they're telling you like, basically, that you're in denial if you don't just take the diagnosis. And that was really frustrating for me because it felt like there was no agency or autonomy. It was just we're telling you there's something wrong with you.
Speaker 2:And so at that point they had just said that I had an adjustment disorder, which was frustrating to me mainly because, yes, at this point I do think I did to a certain extent, because I wasn't fitting the mold of, maybe, the person who came straight out of high school and, you know, I didn't really fit the key, like the key factors that would have maybe made me mesh better. But what was frustrating to me was I didn't feel like the issues that I was facing were my fault and I I always wanted to take almost too much how would you say I wanted to take the blame for things, because then I felt like I could fix it. Right, right, right, yeah.
Speaker 1:Take ownership, you take accountability and then somehow that that gives you the sense of having some kind of control over it, kind of control over it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so I was thinking like, okay, even though I don't feel like my at this point, my sleep was interrupted because of the environment I wasn't eating as much Like there was a lot of other concerns that were compounding, and I think that that's something that I've always struggled with was when I, if you think of Maslow's hierarchy of needs, when I'm focusing on those top levels, I completely neglect the basic levels I'm not focused on. Did I eat today, or did I get adequate sleep to watch all these lectures I'm just focused on. We're going to accomplish Right, right, yeah, and I think that's that's a common conflict.
Speaker 1:Right, right, yeah, and I think that's that's a common common thing. Right, like I could. If I'm really zoned in on something, I hours will go by without realizing it.
Speaker 2:Absolutely yeah. So I spent my time at Rio Vista. Unfortunately, I felt like it made things a lot worse just because I didn't feel like I received necessarily therapeutic care there. I felt like in that specific situation they were more focused on heavily sedating people than actually helping them with the issues that may have brought them there. And so I came back to base. And so I came back to base and at this point they were having me go to the hospital in Santa Maria, about 30 minutes away up there, like Monday through Friday, just to make sure that everything was good. They didn't want me going back to work because they said that would be more traumatizing. But I don't think that they understood again, because I didn't fit that stereotypical mold that going back to work would have been the most healthy thing that could have happened to me, because it would have given me some semblance of normalcy.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and the stability.
Speaker 2:Yeah, Instead of something happened and now everything's changed.
Speaker 1:So so this program that you were in was like an intensive outpatient program. Okay, yes.
Speaker 2:So that's when I was going to Balanced Treatment Center and I met some of the most incredible people there. I can't even say enough about the patients there, because most of them were actually from my base. We had like maybe two civilians, but I was just shocked at that point on how everyone that I met throughout that situation they felt the same as me where they're saying this was taken way too far. Yes, there are concerns and they should be addressed, but it really didn't need to be to this level. And so, at this point, need to be to this level. And so at this point, most of them were saying that they were getting med boarded, and that was my biggest fear. I didn't want to get out of the Air Force at all.
Speaker 1:That was not my goal. Okay, define what that means in layman's terms for those of us that don't understand what med board is.
Speaker 2:Yes, Basically, it's just the military's way of saying that you have a medical condition that makes you not necessarily fit to fight. So if they're saying and it could be physical, it could be mental, it could be any kind of medical condition that basically will impact your service. And so my whole goal, of course, was to get back to work. I did not want to get out of the Air Force, so it really scared me hearing all these people, but it also, oppositely, gave me peace in the sense that they were very pro getting out because of all of the things they had suffered throughout their service. That it did give me for the first time the perspective that getting out wouldn't be the end of the world, right, that even that if it wasn't what you wanted, there were benefits, like you would still get your GI bill, you would still get all of these benefits, but it would just be very different than being active duty. And so it wasn't even a month into being into balance treatment center.
Speaker 2:That again I spoke with the chaplain. He knew everything that happened at Rio Vista and I told him like I'm experiencing, like these flashbacks I'm experiencing where just certain things are so overwhelming, like I would walk into the commissary, and everything would be too colorful and it would just literally take my breath away, like I was just overstimulated, overwhelmed, and I kept thinking that I was still in Rio Vista and I was going to wake up and still be trapped if you can yeah?
Speaker 1:Yeah, so basically in a, in a space that didn't feel safe or helpful to you but that you had no opportunity to to get out of it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I mean being medical, I knew about AMA, so leaving against medical advice, and so of course, when I was at Rio Vista, I asked like, can I leave? What do I need to sign, what can I do? And basically I was told you don't have agency here, because you are government property. They decide when you leave.
Speaker 2:And so I just had this reoccurring fear, because I wasn't in that normal space of being back to work like that. I didn't know where I was. It was such a limbo and so basically I had, just how we were talking about disassociation, just this moment where all the like sadness and anger and fear and everything, I just shut off. I felt nothing, I was just I don't even know how to describe it. I think it's almost worse than when I was sobbing or anything like that, because when you're in those moments I feel like there's a greater chance, that you feel like you'll get through them, but when you're shut down, you just think there's nothing you can do, there's no logical thinking, because it's all emotional even though you feel no emotion.
Speaker 2:You're so far on the emotional side exactly.
Speaker 1:You're so, so dysregulated that, yeah, it doesn't when, yeah, when you're, when you're sobbing, when you're sad, when you're angry, there's still some semblance of power in that, that sense of autonomy in your sense of self. But yeah, when, when you, when you are in that dissociative state, it can very much feel just kind of stuck.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 1:And empty.
Speaker 2:And so it was about one week until my birthday and my mom was going to fly down. We were going to watch Miss USA in person because it was in LA, and I was so excited because, again, I was like this is some semblance of normalcy, like I can go into this, like I love pageants, this is something I want to do, this is fun. And so this whole entire time they had approved my leave, saying that this would be good for me because this was something I loved before the military. And then what happened was I went up to my first sergeant's office thinking, yes, things are turning around, I'm going to get to go back to work, and basically they said that there was a concerned coworker and that this person had said that they believed that I was going to take my life Not something that I had told any concerned co-worker. They wouldn't tell me who made this comment, they wouldn't tell me necessarily why this was coming up now.
Speaker 2:Like I thought that things were going in a positive direction and then I got hit with this and there was a lot of things that I feel like the Air Force handled extremely poorly in that situation, because if they truly believed that that was the case. I don't think that I should have just been sent off on my way to go to balance that day, and they did. They just told me that they said my leave was retracted, my mom can't come, I'm not going to miss USA because of this comment by someone that they won't tell me who said it. And basically they just told me go to balance. Like it is what it is, I went into that complete overwhelmed state and for about the next four hours I don't remember anything that happened. I find myself in Monterey, which is very far from Vandenberg, and I remember calling the chaplain and I told him like oh, my goodness, does this mean that I'm AWOL? Like what does this mean? I'm like so freaked out Like I don't know what's happening, like this is just gone.
Speaker 1:You drove yourself there.
Speaker 2:Yes, okay, yes, yes, yes, yes, in this complete state of overwhelm where I just I don't even remember it. I wasn't I mean, it might've been racing thoughts, but I just feel like I wasn't even thinking honestly. And so, basically, that whole situation again was handled so poorly because they were like, well, you have to come back. And so, rationally, I was thinking, of course, yes, I have to come back, but the fear in me kept me from wanting to go back because I was so scared of the consequences, so they weren't telling me what was going to happen. When I came back and of course I'm already in this state of overwhelm my mind is going a million miles per hour. That anything could happen because of what just occurred, like things were only going to get worse, was my just spiraling thoughts. And so anytime I would start to drive back to Vandenberg, I would either stop or I'd turn around, just because I was so fearful, just absolutely overcome with fear. And so at one point I remember I did start driving back. I was about halfway home, I had been up there most of the day, and so I was driving home, and that's when they actually had California Highway Patrol detain me and sent me to Navidad for treatment, and that was scary within itself because, of course, I've never had any kind of experience with law enforcement or anything like that. So I went to Navidad and I just kept asking like can I call my first sergeant? Can I call my mom? Can I call like anyone Like can I just speak with someone? And they kept saying not. Until I was seen by the provider. That took about 24 hours where I was just sitting in a completely empty room with nothing. It was just a bed, nothing else. And so, um, finally they said, like you'll be transported back to Santa Maria.
Speaker 2:So I actually ended up back in dignity, which was the place that started it all, and they told me that they were going to send me to Utah. And I just kept telling them I can't go inpatient again. I can't. That experience made things so much worse. I cannot go back. And they're like telling me that this place is so much different and so much better. But cannot go back. And they're like telling me that this place is so much different and so much better. But at that point I had no reason to believe it and I go into strong hope. So they had someone from base come and fly with me and I go to Utah, and my first couple of days were really rough, very, very rough. It was, I would say, a 180 from Rio Vista, in that it cost less but the impact was so much greater and I don't know. It was just the difference of being in a place for what you actually needed that, I think, made all the difference, because Rio Vista was so different than what I needed at that time.
Speaker 2:And then Strong Hope I found just, oh my goodness, the most amazing curriculum, the most amazing people. So we were able to do this amazing programming. We'd go to the National Ability Center where you could do anything from hiking to archery or obstacle courses. It was incredible. We would do CrossFit every week, we would do yoga, we had, I think, like five textbooks that we would work through and we would have these lectures, lectures with therapists, and we would have homework. It was amazing. We're actually doing the work and I actually voluntarily extended when I was at Strong Hope because I just loved it so much and I felt like I was getting so much out of it.
Speaker 2:But unfortunately it was on my birthday that the Air Force called to tell me that they had decided my condition was too bad to be rectified and so they were going to be separating me and so, as much as I wanted to use my last amount of time at Strong Hope, just like loving the girls and learning as much as I could, I was again in that like state of panic and overwhelm and sadness and everything, because I was just trying to fight this discharge, because it was never my goal to leave the Air Force. I just wanted to be the best I could be for the Air Force, and so do you think if you had gone to Strong Hope right off the bat, things would have been different.
Speaker 2:I think that it's easy to say yes, but I also think that knowing how horrible it was to be at Rio Vista made me appreciate Strong Hope more, because there were people at Strong Hope that, of course, it's their first time not having any of their belongings and having to be watched while they're in the restroom, and all these things that come with being in an inpatient psychiatric facility while they're in the restroom, and all these things that come with being in an inpatient psychiatric facility, and they didn't have the same appreciation for it that I did, because they didn't really know how much worse it could be. And so in that case, I would say I am grateful for Rio Vista for that, because I feel like I really saw the worst and the best.
Speaker 1:Yeah, absolutely. I mean, I think that just goes to show for for any situation that you're in. When you're going through it it could be absolutely horrific, but at some point you reach a state where you can look back and find some appreciation for what you went through, whether it is expanding your, your perspectives, if it's, you know, providing you opportunity to develop more empathy for people, to develop a greater understanding for the world, to build relationships that you never would have had, to gain a deeper understanding about who you are and how you handle stress and how you handle change. It's from those places where it's, you know, feels like catastrophe. It feels so dark, feels lonely, feels traumatizing.
Speaker 1:It's those experiences that, once we get to the other side, we realize how much we've gained from that experience, whereas you know, if you know when you're going through something that feels easy to you, you're you're not growing as much.
Speaker 1:I think there's a time and place for both. We need to have those experiences where we are learning and growing and we need to have the respite of those times when it's calm and that we can just heal and recover and appreciate everything that we've gone through in the past and where we are at now. So, yeah, it's a wild journey that you went through and I really appreciate you being vulnerable and transparent to share these experiences that you've had. How I mean looking back now on the other side, how do you think you will approach experiences in the future that come with really big lifestyle change or challenges, or being in a space where you're kind of stuck, where you're not able to have that forward motion, that development, that aspirational climb that you thrive on? Having been through this, I mean, what do you think that experience would be like in the future?
Speaker 2:I know that I still need to work on self-compassion a lot. I would say when I was at Strong Hope, my therapist actually gave me a book on self-compassion a lot. I would say when I was at Strong Hope, my therapist actually gave me a book on self-compassion and I told him I didn't even know that that was a concept I know about compassion for others.
Speaker 2:I didn't know about self-compassion, and so I think it is all about balance, having that grace for yourself, because of course you're going to be overwhelmed if you're trying to go a hundred miles per hour every single day. And I think that there's like a lot of value in when you are driven, having those moments where you're going a hundred miles per hour, because that's when you feel most productive and excited and you're making progress towards this big goal. But it can't be all the time, and I think that's something that now I realize more, so that if I give up on the things that I love to try to focus in on a goal so much, I'm going to be in so much more stress, I'm not going to enjoy the process whatsoever. But if you can find that balance where it's like, okay, I just took this really big test, but maybe I'll go flying for an hour, because it's kind of like a reward, it makes things fun, it gives you something to look forward to.
Speaker 2:I mean, I know, even when we would take our PT tests, a former chaplain that I had in Texas he would tell me that he would always schedule a massage for right after the PT test, because the entire PT test, he would just be thinking about that massage. And I think we do need to focus on that reward aspect. When you're so driven because we live in a culture of treat yourself right and some people take it overboard but I think when you're so driven you're like well, I can't treat myself until I get the doctorate and then you're for five years just so stressed out and burnt out. But finding those small wins where you can say, wow, that cardiology exam was so hard, I'm going to take a break because it's well-earned.
Speaker 1:Yeah, absolutely Finding the things to celebrate along the way, not just, you know, the the award at the very, very end, because, as we know, like there's so much joy in the journey and once you get to that end it's like, okay, what's next? Like it's so short lived to experience the joy of accomplishment before now we're onto the next thing, because it's not about the accomplishment itself, it's about the journey, getting there and the experiences that you have along the way. So, taking those moments to pause and to celebrate and reward yourself it's like so powerful to help you maintain that momentum so that you don't burn out and fizzle out. For sure, this whole conversation and the negative experiences of behavioral health, mental health treatment can perpetuate stigma and can perpetuate the fear of actually getting help, and it's something that I've called like treatment fatigue, when, when trying to find a therapist that works for you, it can be daunting and to the point where, like, you procrastinate or you completely avoid because it feels so overwhelming.
Speaker 1:And then you know, in those moments when, like I remember being in such a state of depression that I had no energy or interest or willingness to even start looking for help for myself, even though those were the times that I needed it the most, looking for help for myself, even though those were the times that I needed it the most.
Speaker 1:Avoiding treatment is you're putting off. Feeling better is ultimately what's happening, and so, for me, getting into treatment and maintaining that treatment and keeping up with my appointments has been everything for me in order to maintain my ability to do everything that I love in this life. So what would be your advice, having been through everything that you have and the trauma of it, the stigma of it, even the shame of it, like not wanting to share with other people what you've been through, and now you're sitting here with me sharing your entire story in such a powerful way? What is your advice to someone that may be in a space where they know they should probably seek treatment, but don't really know what to do, or they have that fear?
Speaker 2:Absolutely. I think you make a great point with finding your right therapist, because I would say my first therapist what I struggled with was that even if she was mid-sentence, if our time was up, she'd cut off much as I could before the time ran out. And you need to find a therapist that really is going to make you feel better, not make you feel like you have to even be a certain way. I know with my last therapist when I was in the Air Force, when he would give me all this praise for getting better, I felt like I couldn't be honest about the moments where it was worse, because I didn't want to maybe let him down or seem like there was any backsliding, because up until the day that I was separated, I still had hope that my rebuttal would mean that I was still in. So I would always go into mental health like everything's great, there are no problems, and I think that my best therapist was actually at Strong Hope and I honestly hate is a strong word but I hated this man in the beginning. I think what I really came to just absolutely love about him was he challenged me in a way that others didn't and I think a lot of time when you're high achieving people feel like they maybe can't challenge you. I don't know if that makes sense, but he would tell me like no, you're wrong. Or he would just be very blunt with me. And for some people of course that wouldn't work, but for me it kind of got me out of my perfectionistic mindset where it's like, whoa, hold up, okay, wait, why? And then I would want to go into that inquiry with him instead of.
Speaker 2:I never felt supported by, like at Balance, the therapist. They're very much, yes, therapists. So you could say anything and it would be just validating it, but you weren't getting different perspectives or feeling like you were growing. It was weren't getting different perspectives or feeling like you were growing. It was just kind of honestly to me, feeling like I was talking to a wall. So I think you need to find what kind of therapist is best for you Because, like I said, I don't think that everyone would want that direct kind of communication like I had at Strong Hope. That could be very traumatizing if you're already in a bad space, but that's what worked for me.
Speaker 2:A lot of the psychologists I listen to they say there's different kinds of therapy, of course, but there's different ways to be a therapist. Are you going to just listen to them because they need someone to speak to, because that's very valid. Maybe you don't want the advice. Or are you like me, where you want an action plan, like if I can tell you my problems and you can give me a one, two, three. That's what I want. So it's gonna be a process. You can't just assume that the first one's going to be the right one and you really need to find what works best for you.
Speaker 2:And if you think of it, like we were saying, as a journey, it's actually kind of exciting because you get to think, okay, this didn't work for me, why? And this is great, but why do I resonate with it? And why did this other thing make me feel worse? Or I think it's just a very interesting, almost like a study on yourself of. Of course, I'm coming like from an educational perspective, but I always want to know the why more than anything. I want to know, okay, so if what is this? Emdr works for some people, but the one time I did it I felt so uncomfortable and I just really didn't like it. And so there's different things like that where I would say don't just go with something because maybe it's popular, like you heard about DBT, so you're going to try it and you think that's the only way. I love DBT, so do I.
Speaker 1:DBT works for me because it is the type of therapy that is specifically targeted towards the issues that I have with the most emotional dysregulation and and things. So, yeah, you know, there are certain therapies that work, based off of whatever your circumstances are, and the thing that I find interesting is like, yeah, like wanting to dive into the why and how powerful that can be, because you learn so much about yourself. But what I also learned and gravitate towards is not just the why and how powerful that can be, because you learn so much about yourself, but what I also learned and gravitate towards is not just the why but the how. Okay, so, understanding why I experienced this or why I may react this way is helpful to an extent, but what's more helpful is how do I cope? How do I build skills? How do I recognize which tools I need to be using in certain situations?
Speaker 1:The how has been the most impactful aspect for me when it comes to therapy is having a therapist that literally said to me yeah, the why is intriguing and yeah, we could sit here and do a nosedive into your history and your trauma and like why you are quote, unquote the way you are today, but that's not going to actually help you live the life that you want to live. It's all about the how. What is it that we need to be doing to be moving forward? And I just thought that that was the most empowering thing for me in that time. And I'm still with that therapist. But yeah, I went through a lot of therapists. I think, too. The other downfall and thing that I would advise against is sticking with a therapist if they're not working for you.
Speaker 2:Absolutely. You need to find your match. It's like I think of it almost like a friendship. Don't stick with someone just because they're in proximity, right. Really find the person that's going to click with you and they're going to make you better, because they're going to make you think differently, or not even that they're changing your perspective, but they're giving you different insights. And there's just so much power in finding the person that you feel comfortable with, because if you're going to a therapist you're not comfortable with, you're not going to make progress.
Speaker 1:Yes, okay. So, as we're wrapping up here, I need to know what's next for you in the pageant world and in life.
Speaker 2:Yes, so my title, miss Royal United Universe. We will be having our pageant this summer, and so I'm so excited to be crowning the new girls. I'm just, I'm so proud of the work they've done. We're such a small system still and just these girls are so incredible and I think I go into mom mode because I just want to give them everything. Like I'm just so proud of them. Like when you see the mom at the sports game taking 100 photos that's me with our girls I think I'm really, really excited to finally meet people in person and just I haven't been on a stage. In goodness, by the time summer comes, it'll be three years. So, even though I won't be competing, I think it's going to be just wonderful, wonderful to be in front of an audience again, of just being around these girls that are so highly motivated to be not only better for themselves but for their community, like they're just doing so much for the world and I'm just so proud of them.
Speaker 1:Yeah, absolutely, for sure. Okay, and then are you planning on competing again after you give up your title?
Speaker 2:Goodness, I would say after, most likely, I earn my doctorate, I will be competing again. But it's just such a heavy workload and of course there comes a lot, I think, of internalized shame, of always feeling like I'm not doing enough, and so I want to be able to be in that place where I'm able to give everything to my title because I love it and not out of a sense of obligation so much as like, with this system, I would do anything for this system. They've been so good to me. But of course I want to be able to do more and I feel like, because of my experience with being hospitalized and being in the Air Force and holding this title the next title I have I really want to be in a place where I can give more of myself to it.
Speaker 1:Sure yeah, and in giving yourself more to it, you're also receiving so much from the experience too. Ok, so you said that this organization is pretty small, so tell us a little bit more about it and how you know how to find out more information or to get involved as a participant.
Speaker 2:Absolutely, so you can connect with me, miss Royal United Universe, on Instagram or Facebook. Or, of course, you can add me, sienna Lonnie Richards, on Instagram or Facebook.
Speaker 1:And I will add those links to the show description so you can click right there.
Speaker 2:Thank you, and you can also just look up United Universe Productions. It talks all about what we really stand for. And I think what drew me to this pageant in the first place was there was such a broad range of categories. It wasn't just necessarily the age divisions that you expect. It was really a system where they said you can be anyone and we want to support you in that. Oh, I love that At a time that we need that the most.
Speaker 1:We need so much more inclusion and opportunity for people of diverse backgrounds. So so cool. Well, sierra, I'm so excited to see where you know your doctorate journey takes you and your future in pageantry and in leadership opportunities and service opportunities, because you absolutely do have so much to give, and I know you've been told no quite a few times in the past, but it's just making you stronger and you clearly have gained so much wisdom about yourself and about the world through that. So thank you so much for being here, for sharing your heart and your story. I know that it's not an easy thing to talk about I absolutely know that but you share it so eloquently and it's in a way that helps others learn and navigate and empower themselves as well in their own mental health journey. So thank you so much for that. I appreciate you.
Speaker 2:Thank you and I appreciate you. Thank you for being open and vulnerable, because I would not have been had I not been on your Zoom call that day.
Speaker 1:Yeah, absolutely. Which, speaking of Zoom calls? I would be remiss if I didn't remind everyone that our next masterclass is coming up on Tuesday, the 25th, from 7 to 8 pm Central Time. Click the link to register. This masterclass is on confidence and mindset, so we're going to be talking all about the skills and tools that you need to develop that winning mindset as you head into whatever next venture you are going towards, whatever your goals might be for this year, to really set you up for success.
Speaker 1:If you can't make it, I will be sending out the recording of it so you can at least access it later. With that, that's all I got. All right, sierra. Thank you again for joining us and to my beautiful Sash and Soul community, thank you for listening, for tuning in and for your continued support. I'm pretty sure this episode may bring us to 5,000 downloads, which is incredible. I know I'm so excited. Like, just keep hitting some of these aspirational accomplishments, just oh, it just gives you so much motivation to keep going. So thanks for listening. Everyone, be well, take care of yourselves and until next time, bye.
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