The Wound of Responsibility: From Avoidance to Control

In Episode 39 of The Intuitive Health Podcast, Dr Anthony Rafferty delves into the wound of responsibility - an energetic imbalance often rooted in childhood experiences, ancestral patterns, and trauma. This wound deeply impacts the solar plexus, our centre of self-worth, value, and personal power, and can manifest in two key ways: under-responsibility, characterised by avoidance, denial, and victimhood often stemming from neglect or overprotection, where accountability was never taught or taking responsibility led to punishment. And over-responsibility, where people carry the weight of others, driven by parentification, enmeshment, people-pleasing, and a perceived need to control outcomes. 

Tune in to learn about how both extremes of this wound can lead to burnout, exhaustion, emotional depletion, gut issues, weak boundaries, and nervous system dysregulation, creating a distortion of self-worth and personal power. 

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Transcript

Welcome to the Intuitive Health podcast. I'm your host, Dr. Anthony Rafferty, medical doctor, PhD, Reiki, and shimanic intuitive healer. I'm here to bring you on a journey of holistic healing that explores the science of the physical body combined with mental and emotional well-being, energetic, and spiritual health. And I am so excited to have you here again. Another week under our belt as the number of podcasts grow. goes and we continue to explore our inner world of energy and emotion and connection to what lays beyond. Um, so I'm so excited to have you again here with me. We've been doing lots of pods recently about energy and we have had fantastic feedback. It's just so intriguing the more that people get into into this deep awareness of what's happening in their body. It just expands our awareness of ourselves and our relationship ship to others and the universe around us. And I really have been seeing something showing up so regularly in my practice recently with my friends and within my own sense of self that I was like, I need to record an episode on this. And it's all about the wound of responsibility of people stepping into responsibility for themselves, but also acknowledging where they're holding responsibility for other people's stuff that's not theirs. So, you know, this can really cause a deep energetic imprint within the solar plexus. And this is our center of self-worth and value and personal power. And I've recorded a couple of episodes specific to this energy center previously. However, I wanted to really look at this specific core energy and um how it kind of links into our our journey with selfworth and value and how, you know, when we have wounds with responsib ility. It can strip us of our personal power. You know, responsibility is quite sacred in so many ways. It's how we claim our life force and how we steward our energy. Uh so, you know, responsibility can come with a wound and we can either avoid it altogether. We can avoid responsibility or we can take on more that we than we actually can carry. And this can cause so many issues uh in your energy field. and it can just lead to such a sense of burnout, a feeling of dejection.

You know, there's just so much that can happen in response to these wounds. So, I really wanted to explore today. Um, so we'll just kick off, I suppose, with regard to looking at um what responsibility looks like when it's actually balanced, when we have a healthy relationship to responsibility. And what does that even mean? That means that we're accountable for ourselves, you know? We stand in our power when it comes to our choices. We are we have a healthy responsible uh relationship with our bodies, with our energy, with our mental and emotional well-being, with our healing journey, you know, and you know, it's not about perfection or control when it comes to uh all these aspects of our being. And I know that sometimes I can find my way into this space where I try to take responsibility in a perfect way or responsibility like verges into kind of control and how I can control the environment around me. But you know, it's not about that. It's actually about showing up with integrity for what is truly ours to hold. You know, what do we need to take responsibility for within our world? And when we are in balance with this, when this energy is balanced in the body, you know, we feel so empowered because we're taking responsibility for our stuff. And I know myself when I create a lovely um sense of structure uh within my world, whether that's my home life or my work life, you know, stepping into that responsible space, I just feel so empowered. It gives me great clarity. It gives me a really clear direction in which I I feel I need to move. And it gives me a really strong sense of selfworth that I'm really taking responsibility for myself. I'm eating well. I'm out moving my body. you know, they're my physical responsibilities. I look after my mind um through my therapy work and my deep inner uh inner child work and I mind my energy through my energy hygiene practices. So, that's generally what I tend to go on a journey with.

Um and you know, when you're in a lovely balanced state with all of this, it just allows your solar plexus energy to radiate with this gorgeous steady unwavering confidence and just keep it in mind the solar plexus just sits at the center of the top of the tummy just below your um rib cage and you know I see so many people that come into me with gut disturbances or pains in that space and a lot of acid reflux and stuff like that it's all about anger and frustration um and um kind of issues in how the energy circulates and moves in this space and When we have kind of imbalances within the energetics of responsibility, it can really put a strain on that energy center and worsen some of our physical body symptoms. And you know, things like acid reflux, it's literally the burning, the anger that's rising because we feel we're we're being pushed to the limit. We're taking on other people's stuff sometimes. Um, so it's really good to kind of tune into the body and if you're having issues in this upper part of your tummy. Any digestive issues, I tend to find that potentially this is one of the energies at play and it's not in balance. Now, I just wanted to speak uh with regard to um discernment and judgment um because there are two sides of the same coin that can impact our sense of responsibility. So, first of all, I want to speak about discernment um because Discernment is this uh beautiful energy of truth that lives within us. You know, it helps us to know what is ours and what is not ours. And it's often grounded in neutrality and clarity for kind of what's happening in the world around us. But in contrast to this, judgment is the flip side of the coin. And this is often a mental and egoic driven process that occurs. is within us and often judgment comes with criticism and comparison and sometimes shame and that can either be directed outwards to others or it can be directed inwards upon ourselves. So usually kind of this journey with responsibility it involves tuning deeply into our energy of discernment you know and when we can sit within a lovely discerning space and actually recognize actually this belongs to me. Um perhaps this does not belong to me.

Um we're using discernment as we navigate our our our world of responsibility. However, when it comes to responsibility, if judgment or the egoic mind gets involved, you know, it tends to kind of sound a little bit more like if I don't do this for them, I'm a bad person. So, it's really important to really tune in to your body to learn the differences of what discernment feels like over judgment. And that's the key to finding balance in responsibility in our lives. And I love this. So I really try to challenge my clients and I challenge myself all the time that when I kind of feel this activation in my solar plexus, when I actually sit down and I feel, oh my god, something is weighing heavy on me here. Have I taken on a responsibility? for someone else's tasks that aren't mine. I will sit and tune into whether it whether my gut's trying to tell me something in a really discerning way. Uh and if the voice of judgment is loud within my head and it's linked in in some way to to my sense of selfworth or value, I know that it's potentially that I'm carrying someone else's uh load on their behalf. So, I absolutely love reading sitting with discernment versus responsibility when we are on this journey or discernment versus judgment when we're on this respons uh journey with responsibility. Now I want to go a little bit more into the actual wound of responsibility and this can be really interesting when we begin to go into the depths of some of this stuff because sometimes we can become under responsible and that is bas basically a reflection of a solar plexus that is blocked or stagnant and and the energy isn't moving in the way that it should or we can end up in a space of over responsibility which is a hyperactive energetic center or a hyperactive solar plexus space. Now first of all I want to speak into under responsibility and this often entails or includes avoidance or denial. Um Now, we've all been there. And I just laugh when I think about this because there were several people in my life when I was when I was younger that used to just say, "Don't worry, darling. Denial and repression. Denial and repression." Uh, and that's how they used to navigate their world.

Um, and the thing is, as kids, we pick these we pick these phrases and and uh and things up uh and then we take them on as our own as we navigate through our life. Now, generally speaking, under responsibility, this tendency towards avoidance and denial, it often has emotional or traumabased roots that arise in childhood. And that potentially can be from uh neglect or potentially a parent that overprotected you from the world. You know, a child who is never held accountable for their actions when they're younger or who who learns that taking responsibility leads to punishment or shame may actually grow into an adult who avoids ownership and this is the avoidance piece. So really really interesting. You can see both ends of the spectrum there um really playing out in this wound. So if you feel that potentially you have um an energy of under responsibility and that you have a tendency more towards avoidance or denial that things are really happening the way they are. Have a little sit and think about your child. hood. Did you feel emotionally neglected potentially um physically neglected um or potentially you were overprotected where you didn't actually have to take responsibility for anything? I tend to find that if we have this energy within the solar plexus, I see within um some of my client discussions kind of trying to shift the blame away from our actions onto other people rather than actually sitting in it and being like, "Oh, God, I need to take responsibility for the fact that I was a bit of a s*** in that moment, you know. Um, and one thing I tend to see quite readily is an energy of victimhood. Like we are the victim of the world and the people around us rather than stepping into a place of responsibility and accepting that sometimes our actions may lead to some of these circumstances. Also, some folks uh refuse to make decisions.

Now, I have been an absolute devil for this in my life um with regard to decision-m and you know sometimes uh I used to think about it and reflect on it and think oh but it's okay you know I I I'm happy if the other person is happy you know and this kind of peopleleasing mentality coming in but actually ultimately the deeper I get into this in my own journey and with my clients everybody has an opinion everybody has an opinion opinion, but you may not feel safe to actually share that opinion. And sometimes by basically shifting the decision-m onto someone else, it allows you to actually avoid identifying what you really want and speaking your truth in that moment, you know. So that's really really important. In addition to that, some people expect others to step in and rescue them. The universe will rescue me like other people will step in and rescue me. But the reality of it is we are here to rescue ourselves. We are here to rescue ourselves. And you know sometimes the universe and uh the people around us they're waiting for us to step into our own power. You know sometimes I see this on on some deep um spiritual and energetic journeys. And I know this has happened to me. I'm like please come and save me in this moment. Spirit guides come to me. Um and it feels like they're not stepping in sometimes and you know that's a hard lesson that I've had to learn that I think re in reality the the space has been left there for me to find my own power and actually take responsibility for things that are happening around me on an energetic level like I say this uh avoidance of responsibility causes a almost like a collapse in the solar plexus energy that leads to a leakiness in your person power. Now, with regard to over responsibility, what does that look like? That essentially looks like you carrying the weight of the world of other people on your shoulders. And where does the emotional and traumatic roots of this tend to come from? So, typically speaking, we can end up sometimes in childhood um in a state of parentification. And uh what does that mean? That's when a child was forced to act like a parent.

And sometimes we um haven't been in a home where potentially our parents were responsible themselves and we kind of stepped into this this space in which we became a parent uh and we grew up very quickly at a really young age. Potentially you were caring for your siblings, you know, potentially you were managing the emotions of one of your prim memory caregivers. And this is so so evident and I see it all the time. I think sometimes in the generations that came before us, they didn't have these healing tools that we now lean into. They didn't have access to therapy. They didn't have access to the tools that they could potentially have used to regulate their emotional bodies. And their nervous systems were just shot. And ultimately, it forced their children to step into a parental role from a very, very young age. You know, some children um that kind of experience this parentification are also um conflict mediators in the home. Potentially, you regulated people's nervous systems and mediated conflict between um siblings. It could have been caregivers. So, really, really interesting, very deep rooted uh energetic uh imprinting that goes on during these circumstances over a responsibility can also arise from inshment in which we have a lack of boundaries between our self and our caregiver. So it's this kind of um codependency arrives. So the child ultimately learns in those circumstances to take on other people's emotions as their own. Now this is fascinating because when people come into me and I put my hands on their energy fields, you can immediately feel these energy cores and even sometimes when I call the energy she's in of loved ones, people who have passed away, various different circumstances in the world um around these people. There's an overlap in the energy fields and it's fascinating because ultimately our journey here in this world is to become sovereign in our own energy. And we we when we go on this journey where there's a lack of boundaries um it we become inshed in other people's circumstances, their dramas, you know, You know, and other people's emotions are taken on by our energy fields.

And that can be so tricky because some people become so inshed, they don't know where their emotions end and the other person's emotions begin, you know, and in these circumstances, it can be it can be really really hard to really define and discern what's yours and what's someone else's. In these uh c circumstances. Sometimes I see that love is conditional. Um, and this is where the self-worth piece comes in. You're only safe or worthy if you meet everyone else's needs around you first. Um, and that can be so draining. It can be so so draining. Now, patterns that I tend to see in folks that carry this energy of over responsibility is that they rescue people. They step in to rescue people left, right, and center. They are people pleasing. They're perfectionists and you know and and I'm I have I'm going to put my hand up here and say I have gone through all of these things. I'm definitely definitely have navigated all of these things. Still am let's be honest. And you know when you step into rescue and people please when people come to you with their problems you then because you are in this state of over responsibility you to try to control the outcome of their life circumstances. And then people get really bloody frustrated because they're like, "I didn't want you to tell me what to do." Like, and they feel like you're kind of dictating what the outcome should be. Um, and that's really confusing for people, you know, because it's like, well, you came to me to take on this burden of responsibility and then then you don't want to hear how I'm going to fix it for you. So, it can be tricky. And I tend to find in these circumstances, one really lovely way that we can actually navigate this wound with people when when they come to you, you can actually ask them, "Are you here for me to listen or are you looking for advice and support around this?" And you know what? That really gets people to sit and think because sometimes they just want you to have a an open ear and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. They don't want you to step in and control their outcomes. So, it can be really actually a good tool for both parties involved in really teasing out this energy of over responsibility.

I also see sometimes that there's this constant guilt if they're not doing enough. Oh my god, if this doesn't speak to my soul, I don't know what else does. But um yeah, this guilt, the guilt of not doing enough. Oh my god, that is so real. And I'd love for you to have a little think to yourself. Is that something that you feel yourself sitting on the couch at night? Do you feel you should be doing something? If you get a precious five moments by yourself, are you thinking of things that you should be squeezing into that space? Now on an energetic relation uh or on an energetic level um this over responsibility like I say creates a hyperactive uh solar plexus in which the energy tends to to spin within that space very very quickly and it burns out quickly you know and it can also pull energy um in from other energetic centers and that leads to exhaustion. It leads to resentment. of other people and it leads to emotional depletion. It's not something that we can continue to do on an ongoing level and it can really ultimately impact your friendships and your relationships because sometimes when we take on the over uh responsible role, we develop all of these hidden expectations because if we've taken on all of their crap, why aren't they stepping in to take on my crap when I need them to? So, So you become silently resentful in those moments. But ultimately a lot of people can't step in to take on what you have cuz you're carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders. Um so it's all about finding a nice balance with all of this stuff. I do want to highlight that we get actually hold both extremes within our energy body, you know, and many people that I see hold both wounds simultaneously. So potentially at work you may overfunction. and carry everybody's needs and responsible uh and responsibilities within a work setting. And then at home, you get in, you completely collapse in the evenings, and you avoid your own responsibilities. You can't make yourself a healthy meal. You're not going to the gym, and you're not washing your clothes. So, you can see how you can kind of eb and flow between these two um energies uh on the dayto-day.

And you know, when we're ebbing and flowing in this space, can feel like our energy is confused. It leads to these circles uh or cycles of you know these bursts of energy. We take on all the responsibility and then we enter into this space of complete burnout and shutdown because actually we can't we can't operate on that level for long you know and both of these extremes tend to stem from the same wound. I'm going to be completely honest with you here. It's a distortion of our sense of selfworth and power. It's a distortion of the fact that potentially we don't value our own time or energy. We give our power away and how do we relate to our own sense of worth? So something to be really really considerate of. Now what is the energetic cost of these things? And like I've touched on they drain us of our life force energy. So for people who are un are responsible who tend to go into a space of avoidance and denial. Sometimes they can become passive. Life can become very stagnant because we're not actually avoiding what we need to do in order to take the next steps on our path. Um and in some circumstances we become dependent on other people's energy and I have seen this um in some of my uh gorgeous clients and this happens unknowingly. You know we feel we need people around us or we feel comfortable when we're with them. It's almost like we're absorbing their light. Um and for those that heir on the side of over responsibility, we tend to end up spreading ourselves too thin. We live in a constant state of overdrive and we are unable to replenish our own cup. And one lovely analogy that I tend to give to uh my clients when they come through, if you are a beautiful porcelain cup sitting under a tap. Every drop that comes into that cup, you then pull the cup away and give the drop of energy to someone else. That's the energy of over responsibility. But what I tend to say is you're better off popping that cup onto a saucer before it goes in under the tap for replenishment. Give yourself the time and space to say no, to not take on the responsibility of others, and to let that cup be becomes so full from every drop of pure energy that it begins to overflow.

As the saucer becomes full, you then can give from the excess, but you never deplete from the cup again because to remain replenished means that your power and your life force is taken care of. Only give what you can from the surplus. Now, over time, both of these energies can lead to weak boundaries and difficulty discerning what is mine versus what is someone else's. And often times the nervous system goes into such a state of disregulation we end up swinging between the this kind of hypervigilance and collapse, you know, overactivity and burnout. These kind of two extremes are it's just so painful to navigate that on the dayto-day. Our soul also tends to get really fatigued. You know, this feeling of never being enough or na never being able to actually rest and replenish. This creeps into the soul energy. Now, the true healing of this means that we need to learn how to reclaim our energy and draw it back from others. And you know, this involves taking radical ownership over our own path um without carrying what other people people bring to us and that is so so hard. So for both extremes for the underresponsible avoidant um soul that tends to kind of act in a space of denial and also for the overresponsible soul that carries the weight of the world on their shoulders. This can be really really tricky to take radical responsibility. It means learning how to say no. It means setting boundaries with people that we have never done that before. with setting boundaries with ourselves and getting really bloody honest with ourselves and also going on a journey with handing back energy that is just not yours. Now I want to speak a little bit um just before we uh move into some of the steps for healing and integrating this uh this awareness um I just want to step a little bit into kind of the egoic mind and how trauma based creates these egoic thought patterns within us. Now, the ego I tend to say to people is a trauma response. You know, it develops survival strategies linked to responsibilities that tend to keep us safe. And you know, the ego gets a terribly bad rep, but essentially it's a survival mechanism. That's what it is. And it arises from trauma.

Um, so an example of this in relation to responsibility might if I take everything on, I'll stay safe and people will love me, you know. So, you can see there that uh that that survival mechanism to be safe and loved um it's actually given rise to this kind of desire to take everybody else's things on. Similarly, if I avoid responsibility, I won't be blamed or hurt. I won't be blamed for something going wrong. So, we tend to avoid. And that is again a coping mechanism because potentially when you were younger when you took responsibility and did something you got blamed for it, you got into trouble and you were emotionally or physically hurt um as a response to what you did. Now keeping in mind these are not moral failings within us. They are protective mechanisms but they do keep us stuck in cycles and behaviors and patterns that aren't for our greatest good. So, it is important to go deep into yourself to acknowledge them and to become aware of them. And in addition to this, I also like to highlight the ancestral patterns because you know I'm all about our ancestral lineage. Um, if you've been listening to podcasts for a while, like there's so much stuff that we inherit from people without even realizing, but many of us carry inherited wounds of responsibility. So, thinking out are the generations who came before us. Many of them survived famine, they survived war, they survived hardship. And often unconscious passions um or limiting beliefs were passed down such as I must sacrifice myself for others or life is unsafe unless someone else provides for me. And these are really really important things to tune into because we can heal these inherited wounds when we identif ify and become aware of them down the family lineage. Are there repeating patterns in how people show up in your family and back through the family line? That is the key to kind of identifying some of these things. With regard to taking some steps to healing these wounds of responsibility and to integrating a new way of being, the first thing I'll say to people is go on a journey of awareness. Begin to really tune in to the body and to identify am I over cararrying?

Am I not claiming responsibility for what I should or potentially do both of these facets of this wound show up in my world? You know, ask yourself what emotions arise when you consider letting go of responsibility that's not yours. How does that make you feel? Is there guilt there? I can tell you for most people there is, you know, or what rises when you consider consider stepping into your own power. You know, cons consider stepping into a new sense of responsibility for your physical health, your mental or emotional health. How does that make you feel? Does it feel like hard work? You know, really tuning into it. Again, I just want to touch on discernment. You know, discernment is a really important part of identif identifying and healing these wounds. So, question question yourself when it comes to um things that arise on the dayto-day and if people are asking you to do things, if they're contacting you and putting all this heavy emotional uh turmoil on your shoulders, you know, ask yourself in quiet contemplation, is this truly mine to carry? And the body will give you the answer. The body will absolutely give you the answer if you give it the time and space to answer. Generally speaking, I tend to find that heaviness when you ask the question results in um results in a sign that essentially that energy belongs elsewhere and it's not yours. And sometimes when we actually ask is this truly mine to carry you get just a deep sense inside that's light and soft and it's like well yeah actually it is and that's the realization you need to own. I also think that uh that healing on this journey should really involve a deep journey of boundaries, you know, and I've recorded a podcast episode on boundaries before, what boundaries look like with yourself and others. And this is the key. I actually feel like boundaries is probably one of the biggest topics um that I continuously speak about day in and day out with people this journey of what boundaries looks like. And it's just so important, you know, and when we actually can create boundaries, it gives us freedom to operate. You know where you stand. People know where you stand. And this is so good. It's actually very freeing to have boundaries.

Though some people have a a hard time actually setting them. But generally speaking, if you can set a boundary for yourself, you can allow yourself to expand into the space that the boundary holds. And usually lovely visualization practices like imagining the solar plexus in at the top of the tummy as a radiant sun expanding into a beautiful space to hold your power and creating a protective shield around it like an energetic boundary um of that radiant sunlike energy. It can be really really powerful. Try it for a couple of minutes every day. Other work I tend to recommend on this healing journey is healing your inner child. So I have recorded a couple of podcasts previously on guilt and shame and fear. And it's really important to go on a journey with these dense kind of emotions and you know go on a bit of a path with this younger gorgeous version of you and affirm to that child, affirm to that inner part of you that embedded this wound in the first place. Say to them, you don't have to carry this. You don't have to carry what isn't yours. You are safe. I am going to keep you safe and it's okay to stand in your own power and your own light. So healing inner child work can be really really important. I also like to recommend that people go on a journey of the soul when it comes to responsibility. You know it's all about stepping into sovereignity. It's about independence of soul where you embody all of these beautiful energies um and reclaim your power and come in a divine balance in both your yin and your yang energies. So, you're looking for a lovely sense of balance internally that gives you a sense of strength. You're aligned with your soul's purpose, you know. Um, and what I love to say to people on this soulled journey when we really tune into the energy of the soul, we are here learning with each other. All of the souls that come to be with you in this world. We have this karmic dance with all of them. And you know, if you allow others the dignity to carry the weight of their own lessons, you are doing that soul a favor. You are doing that soul a favor. They can't heal from their own karmic wounds. If you continue to actually do this dance with them, you remain in your wound.

They remain in their wound. And you do the karmic dance of the wound. Essentially, when you learn to set good boundaries and you actually take responsibility for what's yours and hand back what's not yours. It enforces this kind of this um this energy of I'm standing in my power here and actually I trust your soul can handle the weight of this itself. And you know sometimes that can be sticky because we haven't shown up as that person in our life or in their life. So it can ruffle a few feathers but I really think it's about honoring the the power that these other souls have to actually carry the weight of their own lessons that we don't need to fix it for them. If you're in that space of um over responsibility and you know stepping into a more powerful um state of responsibility for your own sense of self and your own emotional well-being actually relieves the burden from other overresponsible people in your life too. So you're all learning lessons together which is beautiful. Now, some lovely practices that I tend to recommend on this journey are things like body-based work. Um, so breath work, breathing deep into the solar plexus can be amazing. I absolutely love it. I spoke in a previous episode into cord cutting, cord cutting rituals. So cord visualizing, connecting with the burdens um within your body that are linked through energy cords uh in visualization. practice, you can go into that connection and sever the cords. I also love to do some really beautiful energetic work in practice when I have people on the plinth, imagining the energy of what isn't theirs coming up to the surface of their body and then physically handing it back to whoever it belongs to and through visualization and energetic healing practices. It is so so so powerful. I also love grounding practices, walking barefoot connecting with the earth. It's an amazing stabilizing power for us. You know, it's really, really powerful. And like I spoke into previously, a lovely solar plexus visualization meditation, healing the solar plexus with golden light energy, with the energy of the sun, that heat and that warmth is all going to be so so lovely.

So, just to finish up, I think this is such an important topic that I see around me every single day and hopefully you've uh been able to kind of sit and have a little think about what responsibility looks like in your life, whether you need to step into a more responsible space in certain aspects of your life or potentially hand back the responsibility to others if you've stepped into an overresponsible role. And essentially, responsibility is the bridge between personal power and love. And I just love that bringing it all together. And if you want some journal prompts in your life to take away Have a little think about where you avoid responsibility in your life presently. Where do you carry stuff that isn't yours? What are you responsible for that's not yours that you need to hand back? And what would balanced responsibility feel like in my body and my energy? Have a little think about have a little think about that. And you know, as you go on this journey, honor what is yours. Release what is not. Stand in your power and your truth and your responsibility. And with love from my heart to yours, we'll talk to you again in two weeks. Dr. Anthony