S2 Ep8. Choosing Love Over Fear: A Recipe for Community Change and Self-Care with Wendy McAdams-Flores

In this inspiring episode of ABWilson's Heart of the Matter, Aderonke Bademosi Wilson is joined by Wendy McAdams-Flores, a passionate community activist, grandmother, and soon-to-be author. Together, they delve into Wendy’s remarkable journey of giving back to her community, emphasizing the crucial roles of family, forgiveness, and self-care in her life. Throughout their conversation, Wendy shares her personal experiences and reflections, offering valuable insights into her work and the values that drive her.

One of the central themes of the episode is Wendy's dedication to community activism. She discusses her approach to making a tangible difference, particularly through her work with the homeless. Wendy highlights a special Valentine's Day outreach initiative that has become a key part of her efforts, underscoring her commitment to improving the lives of those in need.

Wendy also opens up about her upcoming book, which explores secrets in African-American families. She emphasizes the importance of open communication within families, encouraging listeners to understand and appreciate their heritage while fostering connections that can heal past wounds. Her focus on family is a thread that weaves through many aspects of her life and work, illustrating how deeply she values these bonds.

Self-care and personal growth are additional topics Wendy touches on during the episode. She reflects on her journey of learning to prioritize her own well-being, something she believes is essential for being able to serve others effectively. Wendy shares how yoga has been instrumental in understanding her health needs and managing stress, emphasizing how crucial it is to take time for oneself.

The conversation also touches on mental health advocacy, with Wendy sharing her plans to organize a mental health symposium aimed at addressing trauma and breaking the stigma surrounding mental health within the African-American community. This initiative reflects her belief in the power of open dialogue and the need to address these important issues head-on.

Faith and church revitalization are also discussed, with Wendy offering insights from the book Autopsy of a Deceased Church by Thomas S. Rainer. She discusses the importance of adapting churches to engage with all generations, emphasizing the need for churches to evolve in ways that make them relevant and welcoming to everyone.

Throughout the episode, Wendy offers several notable quotes that capture the essence of her message. She shares her philosophy: "Instead of complaining about what's happening out in my community, I make a difference." Wendy also speaks to the personal importance of self-care, stating, "Self-care became very important for me this year. I'm really taking the time to take care of me." Finally, she offers wisdom on forgiveness, saying, "Forgiveness is for yourself. You're blocking your blessings when you don't forgive."

Listeners will walk away from this episode with powerful takeaways. Wendy reminds us of the importance of taking action in our communities, addressing family secrets and trauma, and prioritizing self-care as a foundation for helping others. She also underscores the need for greater mental health awareness and support, while highlighting the transformative power of forgiveness in personal growth.

https://www.abwilsonconsulting.com

https://abwilsonphotography.com

Transcript

Aderonke (00:01.272)

Welcome to another edition of ABWilson's Heart of the Matter, a podcast that uses overwhelmingly positive questions to learn about our guests, where every episode uncovers extraordinary stories of triumph, growth, and empowerment. Hi, I'm Aderonke Bademosi Wilson, and my guest today is Wendy McAdams-Flores. Wendy is a grandmother, community activist, author. Wendy, Welcome to the show.

Wendy McAdams-Flores (00:34.056)

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Aderonke (00:37.506)

And so Wendy, I want to understand your descriptors a little bit more. Tell me about being a community activist. What does that look like for you?

Wendy McAdams-Flores (00:48.27)

Community activists for me looks like I go out there and I fight. Instead of complaining about what's happening out in my community, I make a difference. Let's try to find a solution. So I'm constantly going to different schools and different events trying to get other community members involved in just fixing up our community, doing things more for the homeless, doing things that can bring our community up where we can all.

come together as a family.

Aderonke (01:19.61)

And I note that you're an author or as you said, a soon to be author. Tell me about your book.

Wendy McAdams-Flores (01:28.096)

My book is based on family. I actually changed the title of my book three or four times, and that was due to family losses. And at the end of the day, it made sense for me to just dedicate it just to the family. So I talk about my upbringing and I talk about, I actually talk about secrets in the black community. And I found that to be very important in my life because

We do carry a lot of secrets and I realized that a lot of my ancestors carried a lot of secrets or they did not want to discuss it. So I discuss it in my book. I talk about it so we can be stronger African-American people that we can strive to conquer anything in the world, knowing our basics, knowing our history, knowing where we come from.

Aderonke (02:18.756)

So can you give me an example of a kind of secret that you unveil?

Wendy McAdams-Flores (02:24.046)

Well, one big secret was my name, maiden name was McAdams. And I found out it really wasn't. Back in the 60s, they dropped, well, they added M S to the end of our name. So it was really supposed to be like McAdam and not the S, but no one ever corrected it. No one ever corrected it.

Aderonke (02:43.79)

Uh-huh.

Wendy McAdams-Flores (02:51.118)

our family just kept going with it. This is on my father's side. They just kept going on with the name and then finally just went to McAdams and everybody knows us as McAdams and that was not truly our real name. You know, it was McAdam and it was pronounced a little different. Coming from the South from my family, they all had a little slang. So I could never understood what they were saying when I was a child growing up. We just knew that we were taught it was McAdams and later on in life,

As an adult, I found out it truly wasn't our real name. And no one ever, it was on our birth certificate, on my grandmother's birth certificate, and no one ever changed it.

Aderonke (03:24.747)

wha-

Aderonke (03:30.23)

Okay, well, thank you. Thank you for sharing that. And being a grandmother, what does that mean to you?

Wendy McAdams-Flores (03:37.462)

It means the world. I get to see in the eyes of the young ones and turn them back over to their parents. But the best part is they bring so much nurturing and they're so innocent and they ask so many different questions. And I know, I remember growing up and I remember some of our elders would tell us, you don't ask adult questions. You just listen to what they say.

And as an adult and as a grandmother, I love to hear them ask me questions because they're curious. Even at the age of one and four, they're curious and they're super smart and they're very innovative and they sit there and they think about things. think as a child when I was growing up, yeah, I thought about things, but I also remember a child stayed in their place. You never ask questions. You just go with the flow. And in today's society, you don't have to do that. You can change it.

Aderonke (04:08.9)

Hmm.

Wendy McAdams-Flores (04:31.874)

to where it works for you and your family. And I love the fact that I get to spend time with my grandchildren and I'm actually thriving and learning from them. It keeps me young.

Aderonke (04:41.93)

absolutely. And so, Wendy, thank you for sharing your descriptors. Now let's go to the next question. Please share three interesting things about yourself that our listeners may not know and your friends will be surprised to learn.

Wendy McAdams-Flores (05:03.618)

Well, I'm a crafter. I love to design different things. I learned that as a teenager from my mom, but I never really got into it until I became an adult. When I have an eye for things and I can sit there and just create magic, as my husband says, create magic. And a lot of people don't know that about me. They know that I'm creative, but they don't know the things that I can create. Anything, a book.

a picture. I just put my all into it and I always, if I'm doing a gift for someone, I kind of watch their behaviors and kind of find out where they come from and I kind of interlock that into whatever I'm creating for them. And the other thing is, I love going to the beach, but I don't get in the water. I'm afraid of the water.

Aderonke (06:02.404)

Can you swim?

Wendy McAdams-Flores (06:04.172)

cannot swim. However, last week, I started swimming lessons because I'm pushing my grandchildren to swim. And I said, okay, I have to do this. I have to model this for them. Mind you, this is my ninth time learning how to swim. But the difference with this time is that I have a person, personal person teaching me. So I'm not in a group. My philosophy was like,

How can you save me and there's three or four other people? I always thought that in my head, but in reality, I was talking myself out of learning. And that was out of fear that has been kind of a tradition in my family. My grandmother was afraid to swim, so then she didn't teach my mom. My mom was afraid to swim, so she didn't teach me. But it stopped with me because I made sure my daughters were able to go and learn at a young age how to swim. So I wanna do the same thing

for my grandkids, teach them how to swim. So I said, it's time for me to put on my big girl shorts and go out there and learn. And I'm telling you, I used to be afraid to just get in the water. It's refreshing. I have a young man that's training me. He actually took my daughter to the junior prom and we just didn't realize that until recently. And he's very thorough and he's very compassionate of me having a little fear. So.

Swimming, I'm not going to let that hold me back. I'm going to learn how to swim. This year, I call this year a year of rejuvenation, relaxing, joy and happiness. The last four years has been tough, but this is a new year and self-care is on my priority list. Taking care of me first. And the third thing is,

I love to cook and I love to compete with my husband. He loves to cook and together it's a competition in this household constantly. But we enjoy it. We enjoy it. So most people know I love to cook, but they don't know the competitive piece of me with cooking.

Aderonke (08:22.092)

So what's your favorite dish?

Wendy McAdams-Flores (08:24.524)

You know, macaroni and cheese with a spin.

Aderonke (08:28.356)

Tell me about the spin. And I don't know if you know this about me, Wendy, I don't cook. So tell me about the spin.

Wendy McAdams-Flores (08:34.401)

to.

Wendy McAdams-Flores (08:39.096)

So as I became an adult, we all took charge in the kitchen. Everybody made something. And everybody would come to me about this macaroni and cheese, macaroni and cheese. And my grandmother would tell me how to make it. And I would make it, but I always throw something extra in it. And she was like, what did you put in there? Because she said, I could taste every ingredient. What else did you put in here? That's not what I told you to put, but it became a hit. So I showed my brother how to make it, and other people how to make it. And people actually called me and asked me,

Can you make me some macaroni and cheese? How much do you charge? I said, listen, get the ingredients, I'll make it for you. I enjoy cooking. So macaroni cheese, always have a little spin. Can't tell a spin, I can't tell you what the spin is. However, I'll tell you, I use multiple different cheeses. And it doesn't, of course I use sharp and I use mild, but then you throw an extra, it gives that extra flavor.

Aderonke (09:22.05)

You know, that's my question. I need to know what the secret...

Aderonke (09:30.744)

Mmm.

Wendy McAdams-Flores (09:39.534)

And of course, paprika doesn't have a taste, it's the color. A lot of people don't like to put paprika on their macaroni and cheese. I do, it draws people to it, because they're like, oh, that must be a southern batch of macaroni and cheese. Yes, yes, yes.

Aderonke (09:54.01)

Well, thank you. I have to try and sample. I don't think I've sampled your mac and cheese. We've got to find the time that I can do that.

Wendy McAdams-Flores (10:01.87)

Absolutely. Absolutely.

Aderonke (10:06.232)

So can you tell us about a recent accomplishment or success that you're particularly proud of?

Wendy McAdams-Flores (10:14.478)

particularly proud of what I've done recently as two weeks ago, applied for an LLC in honor of my brother that passed away in 2021. That had always been at the forefront of my mind, but my heart wasn't ready. And I could never talk about my brother without crying. It's a new day. So now I'm able to apply for it. I got approved and I'm going to work towards

everything that my brother dreamt of. His biggest goal was what he called Christmas Spectacular. And it was held in Henderson, North Carolina, where my cousin is the CEO of Gang Free, Inc. She also is the current first African American woman mayor of Henderson, North Carolina. And that is from encouragement from my brother. So he used to give

thousands of dollars to this organization to allow them to buy special treats and gifts during the holiday season. And she used to go online and would ask for donations and he would stop her in the middle. Don't ask for donations. I got you. Tell me what you need. He loved children. So I want to continue the legacy. And I'm going to go beyond that. I'm adopting a park in his honor where I will clean the park.

and whoever is on our board, mostly family, will clean the park once a month just to show how much we care about the community. And that park would be dedicated to my brother.

Aderonke (11:56.878)

And can you tell us where the park is?

Wendy McAdams-Flores (11:59.214)

Well, the park is in North Carolina. We don't know the exact park yet. It's gonna be in Fayetteville, North Carolina. We are waiting for the approval of the park because there are several parks and there are several families who are already existing in those parks. So they have to find where there's an open park where I can adopt that park. So I won't know that it says six to eight weeks.

Aderonke (12:22.274)

Okay. Well, I look forward to getting an update and I'll put it on the website once you have the park with the address so people can find you. So Wendy, tell us about a time when you made a difference in another's life. What were the circumstances? Paint a picture for me.

Wendy McAdams-Flores (12:27.349)

Absolutely.

Wendy McAdams-Flores (12:31.597)

Yes.

Wendy McAdams-Flores (12:43.608)

Let's talk about homelessness.

That was dear to my heart when I in, when I lived in New Jersey. And as I came to North Carolina, not knowing many people, but seeing lots of things, I had to really go out there and meet people. And I did that through becoming the PTA president of my daughter's knocking on doors, contacting different Congress people, representatives, just to see how we can do or do for what the

the children needed in the community and the teachers. Education was a priority. But I would see homeless people all over and I could not understand why they were so populated, especially veterans. And as I am getting more involved, I'm learning more of the needs of the veterans. But they're not only veterans, that's what they show you.

So I started going around to different areas and started linking up with people who actually, they kind of have a relationship with a lot of the homeless people. And some of them are by choice. And I didn't know that. As a child, I was afraid of homeless people. I didn't know. No one ever taught me. No one ever explained to me, you know, until I became an adult and realized I could be one of them, a paycheck away. So I always vowed and said,

Anything that I can do I will do so in 2019 I Did the first Valentine's Day? Homeless heart day and I did it in the parking lot of a library called headquarters library in Fayetteville, North Carolina and I made about 80 sandwiches and then they had candy bags fruit Water and they were about maybe five people that helped me to pass out

Wendy McAdams-Flores (14:43.874)

And then I had one individual that came up to me and asked me to videotape him. He said, I want you to spread this out in the community because people don't often listen to us. He said, you came here with sandwiches, with mayo and mustard packets. He was very specific and you had real meat and I didn't understand what he meant. He said, no, you had real meat, meat that we can really eat and it didn't bother our stomach. And you did not.

tell us that you can only have one bag. You said, take as many as you want. He said, often we don't get that opportunity. And he said, I appreciate that. And I want you to show social media and let them know because people don't listen to us. And you are listening to us and you don't know us. And he thought I was doing this on behalf of an organization. And I said, no, I belong to several organizations, but I'm doing this because I want to. On Valentine's Day,

I don't go to a restaurant and I sit and eat and wait hours and enjoy a meal or not enjoy a meal. I take that time to spread love to people who are without addresses that need a little love for that day. So on this Friday, February 14, I'll be doing the same thing. I will be making a hundred hot spaghetti meals for the homeless.

And all I have to do is pull up. They know my car now. I pull up, they come from, you don't see them. As soon as I pull up, they come from everywhere and I'm ready. I have hot chocolate. have, and then they say to me, you have hot food. Like you really took time out. Are you, do you do event planning? Are you, this is your business? I said, no. I'm giving you what I would like. If I want a hot meal, I want you to have a hot meal.

And that's what we're going to do Friday. I'm getting a lot of volunteers coming out from churches. A lot of volunteers are coming out from D9 organizations, friends, and what they're doing, they're going to be there to support me. They're going to help pass out because we have allotted from four to six. Safety is always first. And we're going to have ministers out there praying, inspirational messages, and just inviting them to come to different churches that are in the area.

Wendy McAdams-Flores (17:06.208)

Many of them have already gone if they went to for a meal plan. We just want to let them know that people do care and people care and they look just like you. No office. I'm not holding a particular office. I just have a big heart that God gave me and I have the gift of giving and God gave that to me and I'm going to share that out in the community.

Aderonke (17:35.364)

Thank you, Wendy. Thank you for sharing that story.

What were the key strengths and qualities you relied on to make a difference?

Wendy McAdams-Flores (17:47.673)

observation. I did a lot of observing and then I did a lot of, and I currently still do a lot of volunteering feed in the homeless at different locations. So I get to talk to them. I get to hear their wants. I get to hear their needs and I bring it back to the sorority. I'm on economic development. I'm a co-chair. So what I do

I present different things to them and to the chapter and said, these are the needs of the homeless. We keep talking about doing for them, let's do what they need. They're asking for certain things, let's do that and do it on an individual level. And we have done that with the organization called Operation In as Much. We go there once a month. The community now has gotten involved. So now they are overwhelmed with a lot of volunteers. And what we do, we go and we help them. We help them build their closet.

We get to see from start to finish what happens when they come in the morning. They come in the morning, they're lined up and they come and have breakfast. We serve them. Then after they have breakfast, if they don't have other appointments, they have a chance to go take a shower and go through the closet and get everything that they need. And then they start their day. And usually starting a day is trying to find another location where they can go for lunch and where they can go for dinner. And they share this at all the different locations.

And then some of them are working and they'll go out and work and come back and they'll tell you what the needs are. There are many homeless people that I realize that have a little money that they can afford an apartment, a small apartment, but they choose not to. And when I asked that question, they said they have built their own community within a homeless community. And that's their family, especially when they don't have family members.

So they stick together no matter where they are. They can be in a lot. They can be, it doesn't matter where they are, but they will not go and get an apartment. And that's something that I'm starting to investigate more on the whys. Why not? And a lot of that has to do with mental health. And that's my next project, bringing a mental health symposium here, not only for the veterans. They focus a lot in Fayville because of a military town.

Wendy McAdams-Flores (20:10.2)

We want to focus on mental health for all people, children, young adults, adults and seniors. They often are the forgotten ones, you know, or the counselor just talks to them. Don't allow them to express their feelings. I've learned this through my walk, through grief, how people, counselors in particular, some will listen and some will not. And then you're stagnant and you're trying to figure out what do I do next?

I was blessed to have a great counselor that I'm still involved with and she encourages me and I'm a Christian. So we pray about everything and that works for me. It may not work for everybody else, but it works for me. I have a way about me where I can talk to people and just said, let me just say one word. And I do that to the homeless people. So I have made a network of friends.

And my husband says to me, I don't care where you go. I've been here from the military over 20 years. Everybody, Ms. Flores. Hey, Ms. Flores, how you doing? He's like, how do you do it? Sometimes I wonder, but that's because I hit the pavement hard when I came here because it was hard to find employment. You had to be connected with someone or military connected. So I had to find my own way and make my own path. And that's what I did. And that's how I got the name.

Here's their community activist. Yes, I'm going to do whatever it takes to try to make a difference. One person can make a difference. I may not cure everything, but at least I'm not going to complain about a situation. I'm going to say, what can I do to make it better?

Aderonke (21:52.686)

So Wendy, can you recall a situation where you overcame a challenge that led to personal growth? What did you learn from that experience?

Wendy McAdams-Flores (22:04.78)

what I learned, assuming an appearance of someone on the outside that they were homeless and they weren't. They actually love to dress that way. They were actually a millionaire.

just out in the field, living the life like a homeless person. But they had a choice. And once I realized that, I wouldn't say a judgment call, I just assumed. So I was always trying to help them and they would always receive it from me. But then one day they pulled me to the side and said that I really enjoy what you do out here. And I see that you go to any and everybody, whether they dressed up or whether they dress down, doesn't matter, but you never wavered.

You never wavered. But I said, but I assumed. And I took responsibility for that, that I assumed that you were homeless. And she said, a lot of people do. And I said, let's just talk about it. Why do you stay out here with them? Like, what is your purpose? What is the reason why you're doing this? And she said it was her choice. She said to know them better and to know herself better.

She said, a lot of times we have money and we have so much money, we don't know what to do with it. But in order for me to do something that's going to be impactful, I have to be in the mix. And that was the biggest lesson I had ever learned. And that's what made me want to go out there and really engage and talk to them. Cause some of them are very intelligent and some of them are really working hard. It just,

Just they just fell on their luck, but I constantly tell them, don't give up. Don't give up. It's ironic because you find a lot of them in the library reading and that alone is a blessing.

Aderonke (24:07.898)

Thank you, Wendy. You are listening to A.B. Wilson's Heart of the Matter podcast.

Welcome back to Heart of the Matter. My guest today is Wendy McAdams-Flores. Wendy, you mentioned self-care earlier in our conversation. What self-care practices or strategies help you to sustain your energy and motivation while navigating your journey?

Wendy McAdams-Flores (24:35.04)

Interesting enough, self-care was always last for me. When it came to family and very close friends, if they need me, I would run. But I've learned over the years, I have to put the mask on me first before I help anyone else. And doing that, I have to take care of myself. I can't help someone else and then I'm ill and I'm not feeling well, then who's going to help us? So I've learned to take care of myself and even

pencil in time for myself and just say, I'm in a meeting. I'm not available. It's okay to say no. And that was hard for me to say no was hard for me because I just like to help people. But sometimes you have to help yourself first. So self care became very important for me this year. And we only in February, we only, and I'm being very selfish about it.

I'm really taking the time to take care of me. So I have more energy, more life, more to give others. Can't give them on an empty vessel. I have to be able to be on a full tank of gas in order to provide for them. And in order to do that, I have to make sure Wendy Joy is good. And that means proper rest, eating properly, and even meditating and praying.

before I get involved in anything. And I'm doing more of that now. And I'm seeing things just turning over. I'm seeing how God is just broadening my horizon.

Aderonke (26:16.164)

Thank you. And I like the idea of penciling in time for yourself. And how are you able to say no? How are you able to, so like, as a person who is a continuous giver, and you always assume, well, at least I always assume I have more time to get this done. I could do this, this, and this. How do you say no? How are you able to say, okay, I need to stop?

Wendy McAdams-Flores (26:39.191)

Right.

Aderonke (26:45.72)

and actually say no to this. Tell me about that.

Wendy McAdams-Flores (26:49.506)

What I've learned to do is when I'm working with different people and we're working on something together and they're constantly asking me to lead something, I turn it back to them. And I said, you know what? You're just as good as me. We've learned this together. So you take the time to do that and I'll take the time to do this. And the next week it'll be your turn for you to have self care. I have to do that. I do, I do that with my own family because we all so busy with life.

that we forget about ourselves. Sometimes we forget about our family and it's not intentionally, it's just what happens in life. So we have to say, no, my biggest thing for this year is family unit. Bringing families back. So Sundays is very...

Not only emotional for me, but very family oriented for me. After church, kids come over. I said, we sit down, take your phone and put it over there. I don't want to see no phones. I want us to just talk. Talk about your week. Talk about what's going on. My daughter started a new job working for 911. That's a stressful job. How are you going to unwind? So we share best practices with seasoned people.

and the young people. And we're learning from each other. Now, is it perfect? No, but the attempt to get the family unit back is important to me. And I share that when I'm out in the community because there are a lot of families that are out there together. No matter how it look, you still can share the family unit together wherever you at. It's important for you to take charge, which you are capable of taking charge of. Sometimes you're not able to take charge.

But you can take charge if you just sit down for a moment and say, okay, right now I'm not taking no calls. That's a no for me. But I can do, I can call you back next week. It may not be an infinity, no, but it is a no saying for right now I need to take care of me.

Aderonke (29:07.044)

How might sharing your experiences of success and growth create a positive ripple effect in your family, community, the world?

Wendy McAdams-Flores (29:18.818)

You know, I always invite my family, community members, always invite them to come with me, come along with me. When I first did this, my husband was like, what are you doing? Why are you doing this? Like, what are you getting from it? I said, I'm not looking to get anything from it. I just want to do something that got placed on my heart. I'm being obedient to him. And what my husband does, he watches. My kids watches.

my friends and neighbor, watch me. Next thing I know, when are you doing that next event again? What time do you need me there? So action speaks louder than words. By them watching what I do is like the biggest gratification I could ever show or give to someone because they see me in action and they see me in action in a different light.

Because when I go out there, I'm a different person. I'm all about the ones who are here helping me. Don't ask me no questions. They need my help right now. Cause they'll soon be moving on. I'm going to see y'all later. So I, they watch me in motion. I'm just, I'm on fire. I'm on fire. And when I'm, when I'm looking, I'm like, what else can I, what else do you need? I'll provide that next time. I'll have these resources for you. Contact this number.

I try to bring some type of resources with me so if they do have questions or they do need help with something, I can give them something to start with. And people watch you when you don't even realize they're watching you. So I can just let my action speaks for myself. I've always been that way. As a child, I always wanted to hurry up and do this so my mom could be proud of me. But as an adult, I'm not looking for any accolades.

I just want to do what's on my heart and I have so much joy in my heart. I haven't had that in a long time that now God is starting to just fulfill his promise to me that he said nothing was done in vain. He was preparing me for an assignment and that's what this is.

Aderonke (31:38.202)

And so when you look to the future, what exciting opportunities do you see on the horizon? How do these opportunities align with your passions and your aspirations?

Wendy McAdams-Flores (31:51.192)

I spoke about earlier mental health. That's a big piece for me because it goes along with homeless and it goes along with a lot of communities, things that are happening in the area that sometimes get looked over. So I just want to make sure that our mayors, our Congress people, our locals are engaged and know what's going on because a lot of times they don't see what we see or they don't want to see what we see.

And sometimes you have to bring examples. So I come strong. I never sit back. I'll email the mayor. We're like this now. Every time he see me now, he's like, hey, Ms. Flores. I hey. said, what about my, you didn't respond to my email. Now he's starting to send other people my way. And now people are starting to understand I am going to get this mental health symposium here, whether the mayor helps me or not. Because my pastor already told us we can have it at the church and it holds 500 people. We need to get something.

here and include the people in our area, the counselors, the doctors in our area to be a part of this forum so they can go to people right here and get help. There's a lot of service here, but they're only given a limited amount. So I want them to be able to see, and even the children, want them to be able to see, understand what mental health looks like.

It can happen to everybody. We all have some type of mental health in the African-American community. They do not wish to talk about it. Back in the day with our elders, you never talked about what happened in the household. You go out about your business and you bring the business back here and you leave it here. If you're having a breakdown or whatever, you never share it with anybody, but no one talks about the traumas in your life. No one talks about

what happened in the household that caused you to feel this way. We have to talk about it. And if we talk about it, more people will get help and they just wouldn't be out here lingering, trying to figure out what's going on. I'll tell you, with all the deaths that I had, I thought I was having a nervous breakdown and I wasn't. It's just that nothing like this has ever happened to me before where I lost 15 family members in four years.

Wendy McAdams-Flores (34:16.384)

Not many people have that. They may have it two or three close people, maybe in a lifetime. And I can't even say COVID prompted, but it did. But then other things happened along the way. But God prepared me in each step that I went through. Even with my paternal grandmother, I had no idea I was going to be moving her out of her home and bring her to my house to live here under hospice care.

No one prepares you, but God knew what he was doing. He prepared me to become stronger. And no matter whatever else I ever went through, he knew that I needed to go through this cycle of life to get to the next phase. Even when I didn't understand what was going on, he said, keep your faith strong. Trust me. Even when I was mad at him and didn't understand.

He kept coming to me and kept saying, I have never left you. I'm here.

So I'm grateful for everything that I've gone through. It made me stronger.

Aderonke (35:27.674)

And so this mental health symposium, do you have a date for it yet?

Wendy McAdams-Flores (35:33.334)

I don't have a date, but I do have an organization that I link with. It's called Sound Minds with the S. They're on YouTube. They're out of New Jersey. They travel around the world. They started this organization in 2021. I had received an online invitation and I said,

not getting involved with this because we see here mental health and then we get all frantic. People don't want to come near you talk about mental health. They don't understand it. Educating the public is very important. They need to know what it means. It's nothing bad. They need to know how to get the resources. They need to know how to survive it. And this organization had to fight for their son.

to get the proper care and they created this organization. And for the first time, they saw the connection and they started getting other organizations involved. So they show you on this panel, how doctors, nurses, people that look like us have mental health, anxiety, depression, and have a successful life. Identify the problem, identify the traumas. And for the first time, I spoke on the panel in July of 2024.

And I thank them because they helped me see things that I didn't realize that the trauma of my dad's murder in 1976 stayed with me all this time. The deaths just triggered it. We got to talk about the traumas. And those are the secrets I'm talking of, I'm speaking of when I talk about our ancestors keep things secret.

Aderonke (37:28.09)

And what are some things that you do to support your own mental health?

Wendy McAdams-Flores (37:35.882)

I started yoga. I started yoga. Me started yoga. I don't want to be in a room. It's just quiet. And I'm looking around like somebody say something. I started yoga and it helped me to just relax. I did not know how to relax my body at night. I suffered from insomnia ever since my brother died and we could not figure out the reasons why. Last year I had a fall and realized that

Magnesium levels were low, like almost definitely low. When I fell in front of my house, I don't even think you know this, they had to revive me. My husband revived me. And that was from magnesium. Doctors don't check for magnesium. They check for potassium and everything else. Magnesium all these years was low and no one ever checked. No one knew why I couldn't sleep. It was because of the lack of magnesium.

And now I'm on magnesium around the clock. And now I feel better. I feel stronger. My heart, it affects your heart. And my heart has gotten stronger. I used to have palpitations, maybe on a good day, 140 per minute.

We had to get that down. And when we identify what the problem was, thank God that I was okay. But it took that incident for them to run a full panel of tests to realize that that was the case. So we need to know our bodies. We need to know, can't trust the doctor for everything. You've got to research, see what's going on with you. Learn about yourself, learn about other things and don't be afraid. Don't be afraid of it. And that's some of the things I do.

I start researching on different things to see how I can help myself and people in my family and help the community. People have all kinds of different things, but at least have an area where they can go and research if they don't get the resources that they're looking for. So I spent a lot of time meditating. I'm not a writer. I never was a writer. I read books if I have to. I'm reading a little more.

Wendy McAdams-Flores (39:50.666)

But as to write, I just write things down and I met this young lady online who has written about 10 books and she said, just write anything, just write it. And then once you write everything, then you read what you wrote. Nothing has to be in sequence. You can do that later, but write what you're feeling. And oftentimes we write what we feeling, but we don't write everything. We don't write our true feelings. We write what we think we want people to hear.

And that's not necessarily what we should do. Write what you feel. And that's what this book is. I'm writing how I feel. Even though people may not understand, it's my story and I'm writing it.

Aderonke (40:41.55)

So Wendy, you've touched on books. What book recommendation do you have? It could be a book you've read recently or something that has stayed with you over the years.

Wendy McAdams-Flores (40:45.442)

No.

Wendy McAdams-Flores (40:51.5)

I'll tell you what the book is now. I have it here and I swear by this book. Okay.

Wendy McAdams-Flores (41:06.808)

We've gone all over the place, haven't we?

Aderonke (41:09.114)

We have definitely covered a lot of ground today. And thank you. I thank you. I truly appreciate you sharing.

Wendy McAdams-Flores (41:18.094)

It's my pleasure. So I'm a Christian and my book recommendation currently is Autopsy of a deceased church It tells you 12 ways to keep you alive to keep yours alive It is by Thomas S Rainer r-a-i-n-e-r

This book is amazing because we talk about the church. The church as we knew it, the church as it is today, and where the church is going. We see a lot of young people not in church. A lot of churches refuse to move where society has taken them. They get stagnant. You have a lot of churches closing, and this book talks about

implementing different things to get the young people, to get the older people, to get everybody engaged on the same page. If you want to revive the church, then you have to be willing to revive it. You can't be stuck in the past and expect to be successful. You have to go with the flow with society. And what I'm finding in my church, which is interesting because I've only been a member of this church for about four years.

I was a member of a larger church. And although I tried to get involved, I was a number. I did not want to be a number. I wanted to be heard. I had to audition for different things, like to be an announcer, to sing in the choir. I like, I want to do this for God. Why do I have to audition? So this is where we're going. And some churches are big mega churches because of it.

There's a church in New Jersey that I love and that's Pastor Danielle Brown. You might've heard her, Pastor Danielle Brown, Dr. Danielle Brown. She is the first African-American pastor in Plainfield, New Jersey at Shiloh. She used to go to the church that I used to go to called the Cathedral in Perth Amboy. She was highly trained.

Wendy McAdams-Flores (43:47.638)

She's now has her own church. Many members left that church and they came with her. She's overflowing with members, all ages. She has something for everybody in the church to do. And that's important. Come as you are. Don't worry about what you look like. Some churches are still stuck on that. she wore that? Listen, I don't care if you came in with pants, sneakers, and that's it. You come and serve the Lord, you want something, we gonna be here for you.

And that's what this book talks about. Meet them where they are, bring them in, start programs to get the youth, start programs to interlock the youth and the elders, let them understand. And sometimes they don't understand because they're not open to and vice versa. But when you start mixing them together, start doing programs together, there's a new change. And then people are understanding each other. So this book,

I get excited about it because we're studying it in Bible school and we talk about it and I try not to raise my hand so much, you know, but people they're looking at me and they're like, you, you, go ahead. I'm like, no, no, no, no, no, I'm getting somebody else a chance. I started to get passionate about it because I have young people, lots of family members, kids growing up, grandkids. I want them to be excited about coming to church. Malia loves church.

She calls our pastor, we were friends with our pastor and his wife already when we first moved here. And then he got the calling to be at this church. She calls him Uncle Pastor.

He hears that, he melts like butter. She loves him. She had a birthday gift that she wanted. She noticed, she's very observant. You know when you preach and you get all excited and you start to sweat. Why are they wiping their face, asks. I said, well, they get excited. Dreadiness start pumping, it causes you to sweat. So she's wiping, he said, he's wiping with a napkin. I said, yeah, that's gonna take it off. She said, he needs a towel. I said, well, we're gonna get him a towel.

Wendy McAdams-Flores (46:02.19)

We bought him a towel and we had it engraved Uncle Pastor. She didn't sleep all night long. Is it time to go to church? I said, Malia, it's five o'clock in the morning. Go back to sleep. Church don't start till 10, 15. When she, cause I had to leave early for the choir. When she got to the church, I'm in the choir stand. I see her just running, running. Uncle Pastor, Uncle Pastor. Church is getting ready to start. I have a gift for you. And she gave it to him.

Aderonke (46:07.61)

You

Wendy McAdams-Flores (46:29.984)

She loves it. She's starting quiet this week. These things are important. They gotta see you doing it. When they see you do it, then everything is cohesive. It's not like you just telling me what to do and you don't do it. No, we're all gonna do it together. So that's what this book is about. Bringing the family unit. That's why family is so important to me. Bringing the family unit back together. Worship together. Do things together. Create those memories. That's what's important.

Aderonke (46:58.17)

Wow, Wendy, wow, what a passionate perspective on how to bring the family together and how to revive churches. Do you have any other thoughts? Do you have any final thoughts? This is my last question for you.

Wendy McAdams-Flores (47:19.256)

final thought is for people to learn how to forgive. That's a big one for me. People don't realize forgiveness is for yourself. You're blocking your blessings when you don't forgive. I don't care what the situation may be. I don't care what you're going through.

We all go through situations and we all have a moment of explosion where we may be so upset. We don't want to deal with you anymore. We don't want to talk about it. We don't want anything to do with you, but see God is a loving and forgiving God. want to be just like him and being like him is to be forgiving. So we have to learn how to forgive. There's no discussion. When you forgive, you see your life turning around. You see the blessings that God has.

store it up for you, because he's going to put them on hold because you don't know how to handle it. Until you learn how to handle forgiveness and forgive, you're missing a lot in life and even the people that you have chosen not to forgive.

Aderonke (48:32.218)

Wow, wow, Wendy, wow. Thank you, thank you so much. This has been a really rewarding conversation. And some of the appreciation nuggets that I'm gonna take away from our talk today. As a creator, as a crafter, you create magic.

That's one. And one thing I didn't say is I love crafting as well. So we have to compare notes. I don't get to do it often, but when I do, I truly enjoy losing myself in that activity. A thing that I learned about you and I didn't quite appreciate until this conversation is that you have the gift

Wendy McAdams-Flores (49:04.44)

Yes.

Wendy McAdams-Flores (49:08.546)

Yes.

Aderonke (49:27.99)

of giving, of truly giving from your heart and your soul to others, to helping others, to supporting others, to finding ways to help others in their own walk, whether it's through homelessness, whether it's at the church, whether it's your own family, being able to give of yourself. And this one quote,

that I really like. And so I'm going to give four nuggets. I usually give three, but I want to share this nugget. When you spoke about self-care, I have to put on the mask. I have to put my mask on first. I like that because it's such a powerful visual. And for many of us that fly often, they tell you, your own mask on first before you go and help others. And so that as a philosopher,

Wendy McAdams-Flores (49:58.614)

Okay.

Aderonke (50:23.246)

philosophy for self-care is quite a powerful visual. And then the last one, learn how to forgive. Forgiveness is for you. So Wendy, thank you so much for your time today. Thank you for being a guest on my show and sharing such wonderful aspects about yourself.

I appreciate you taking the time to join me on A.B. Wilson's Heart of the Matter, a podcast dedicated to asking overwhelmingly positive questions as we uncover incredible stories of people you may know. Wendy McAdams-Flores, thank you so much.