S2 Ep10. Maryem Biadillah: Mindfulness, Yoga, and the Power of Community

In this episode, Aderonke Bademosi Wilson engages in an insightful conversation with Maryem Biadillah, a mindful yoga practitioner and community advocate. Throughout the discussion, Maryem shares her personal journey to mindfulness, highlighting the transformative power of yoga and the critical role community plays in navigating life’s challenges. Together, they explore practical techniques for staying present and cultivating inner peace in today’s fast-paced world.

The conversation begins with Aderonke introducing Maryem as a yoga practitioner and a dedicated advocate for mindfulness and community. Early in the episode, Maryem congratulates Aderonke on reaching the impressive milestone of the podcast’s 50th episode and nearly 1,500 downloads.

Maryem then delves into the concept of mindfulness, defining it as the practice of being fully present in the moment—observing feelings and interactions without judgment and allowing them to pass. She shares that her personal journey into mindfulness began in 2006-2007, when she turned to it to help slow down and find peace during a challenging period in her life.

The discussion transitions to how Maryem’s mindfulness practice evolved through yoga and meditation. She offers an explanation of mindfulness meditation, describing it as a process of preparing the body, focusing on the present moment, and gently redirecting the mind when distractions arise. Maryem shares that focusing on her breath has been the easiest way for her to stay present, emphasizing how the act of noticing the breath connects us to the here and now.

Maryem also highlights how mindfulness can be integrated into everyday activities. Acknowledging the challenge of what she calls the monkey mind, she explains that mindfulness can help maintain balance in situations like waiting in line or delivering a speech. These small moments of awareness can help ground us amidst life’s distractions.

Yoga, she notes, has been particularly beneficial in her life. In her intellectually demanding job, which involves extensive research and writing, yoga serves as a way to reconnect with her body and break free from the mental overload. Through yoga, she learns to slow down, prioritize tasks, and let go of unnecessary mental tabs. She also explains that yoga helps her maintain balance in strength and flexibility, which is vital for her as she ages.

In addition to its physical benefits, yoga helped Maryem recognize that her identity is not solely defined by her job. This realization led her to pursue certification as a yoga and mindfulness teacher, and she further explored her interest in spirituality by studying different religions. This allowed her to gain a deeper understanding of the human mind and spirituality.

The conversation then shifts to the importance of community. Maryem emphasizes that no one is an island, and that we are all interconnected and interdependent. Community, she believes, helps us navigate life, reminds us of our core values, and provides a network of support. She reflects on the heightened significance of community in the wake of the shelter-in-place phase of the pandemic, when many of us were reminded of how essential human connection is.

As the conversation progresses, Maryem shares some personal insights. While her friends may know everything about her, she reveals two interesting things: she has taken up coloring as a way to practice mindfulness, and after years of studying, she finally graduated and became certified as an inter-religious, interfaith spiritual companion.

In the final segment, Maryem explains the role of a spiritual companion. A spiritual companion i

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Transcript

Aderonke (00:01.057)

Welcome to another edition of ABWilson's Heart of the Matter, a podcast that uses overwhelmingly positive questions to learn about our guests, where every episode uncovers extraordinary stories of triumph, growth, and empowerment. Hi, I'm Aderonke Bademosi Wilson. My guest on today's show is Mariam Biadillah. Mariam is mindful, yoga,

Mariam, welcome to the show.

Maryem (00:35.704)

Thank you for having me, Aderonke. And may I say congratulations on your most recent milestone.

Aderonke (00:41.173)

Well, thank you. Thank you. So any listeners who may be, anybody who may be listening, we just hit our 50th episode of the podcast. So thank you for that. And believe it or not, as of today, today's recording, I'm getting ready to hit another milestone. But so by the time this is aired, we would have hit it. And that is 1500 downloads. So I'm just poised waiting for

a few more people to download for us to get to 1500. So thank you for giving me an opportunity to highlight that, Mariam. And so I wanna get into your descriptors. Tell me about being mindful. What does that look like for you?

Maryem (01:29.806)

Thank you for that question. Mindful, well, the dictionary definition of mindfulness is that you are here now and that you live your life and, you know, you have your interactions interpersonal or otherwise, being in the moment, noticing what's going on, how you're feeling, what's going on in your body, what's going on in the interaction without judgment.

and then letting things go. I learned about mindfulness.

Maryem (02:05.87)

2006, 2007. And I was going through some things and it definitely helped me. It helped me slow down because I was starting to notice, you know, and just noticing what's happening in the moment. And ever since then, I haven't looked back. It's been quite the tool for me. I have tons and tons to learn yet. I'm not all there, but I'm on my way and it's an exciting journey for me.

Aderonke (02:35.243)

So somebody who's listening and may not know how to be mindful, what do you do? What practice do you use to get to that space?

Maryem (02:35.263)

Thank

Maryem (02:49.67)

for me, it was a progression. guess there's a different story for everyone. For me, it was a progression. when, and I think, you know, this story, I just happened to be at the gym one day and I saw that they were offering yoga. So I went in and I took the yoga class and, something happened. It wasn't just physical. Something happened. And, and I found, the space and the freedom that I needed. My mind was quieting down and I thought, Ooh, okay. This is interesting.

what's happening here. And so I kept going and it was every Sunday morning and I kept going and I kept going. And just because, you you find something that you enjoy, you get curious about it and you look things up. I found out that yoga helps, you know, clear your head and all of that through mindfulness. And so that was my journey to mindfulness. And then through that, I found out about meditation and that was the key.

So meditation, especially mindfulness meditation, is when you physically take a moment, you you prepare your body. And yoga was originally invented, let's say, unquote, to help with sitting in meditation so that your body can be comfortable. Mindfulness meditation is when you sit, you feel where your body is, you feel how you're supported by your chair or by your mat or the floor or your bed.

You notice where your head is as relative to your back. You notice that your hands are on your knees. So you're here now and very slowly bring yourself to the present moment. So you're not wondering about the shopping list. You're not wondering about tomorrow's emails. You're just here. And so then you begin to focus on something. Some people focus on a candle or a drawing or a picture of somebody they love or on the sunset.

What I find easiest is to focus on my breath, because my breath is always with me. I don't forget it like I forget everything else. And so mindfulness meditation is when you focus on your breathing, you connect to your breath. When you breathe in, you know you're breathing in. When you breathe out, you know that you're breathing out, which we don't usually. It's just an automatic thing that happens. And by noticing your breathing, by connecting to your breath, you're fully here with yourself.

Maryem (05:14.542)

And of course, you know, it's difficult to control the mind. You people call it the monkey mind for a reason. And so you get distracted, which is completely natural because your brain's got a function and its function is to protect you. And so we will say, what is this? Did you hear that noise? And so when you find yourself distracted, you notice that there are some other thoughts going on. And without judgment, you say, OK, I noticed that I got distracted. Let me focus back on my breath. And you go back.

focusing on your time. Some people do it for a few minutes, some people do it for an hour or two, some people do it a couple of times a day. And that's basically what mindfulness is. That's what did it for me, is the sitting down initially. And then as you train your body and you train yourself, you don't necessarily need to be seated to be mindful. You notice that you can carry this throughout your day when you remember.

right, because we're all just going about our day, we're just doing our thing. And then when you remember, you set the intention, I need to bring myself back in here. I'm too far in the past, I'm regretting things, I'm too far in the future, I'm anxious about this meeting, let me come back to here now. And so that's how it works. And bit by bit, you start being more more mindful on a daily basis, whether you're standing in line at the store,

waiting for your turn to pay for your groceries or whether you're in a meeting or you're delivering a speech at a conference. Mindfulness can be everywhere. And for me, it was definitely the tool to keep me sane and balanced.

Aderonke (07:03.507)

And so you've described, you've added yoga as a description and you touched on yoga as you talked about mindfulness. So I know they go hand in hand. What else do you want to say about yoga in terms of what it does for you, how you are feeling and how it helps you to show up in the world?

Maryem (07:27.15)

That's a lovely question.

So the answer to this makes sense when you know that like most of us, I have a job and I have a nine to five that I love very much, that I enjoy, and that keeps me busy. It's a very heady job. There's a lot of thinking, there's a lot of research, there's a lot of writing. And so I'm usually all up in my head. What yoga, I realize, has done for me,

is that it helped me get out of my head and back into my body. And that's through mindfulness, right? So I can think. I can get out of thinking and then what ifs and the planning and the multiple things going on. You know how to describe the 21st century professional worker as just like a computer with a lot of tabs that are open and you don't even know where the music's coming from and all that. That's exactly how my brain is. And so with yoga, I can...

look, I don't need this tab. Let me close it. I'll open it again tomorrow or let me focus on this one tab because yoga has helped me slow down and through yoga I have found mindfulness. Now, yoga as a physical modality for movement is this kind of tries to strike a balance between, you know, increasing your strength, increasing your flexibility and increasing your balance.

It's not all you don't have to be flexible to do yoga. As a matter of fact, that's it's quite the opposite. Yoga helps you become more flexible. But more importantly, it helps you be balanced or balanced between flexibility, strength and balance. Because what I'm working on, initially you work on, you join yoga because you just want to do these crazy postures. And then you realize there's so much more to it. And you begin to not only

Maryem (09:23.906)

have the mental benefits that I talked about, but also you start becoming more reasonable and you say, let me work on my 80 year old body so that I can reach up. I can still maintain my full range of emotions. So I can reach up for that, whatever is on that shelf, or I can bend down and play with my grandchildren without needing any, any help. Or in case I'm, I'm walking and something happens to the shoe.

and something happens to my ankle, it is not a sprain. Now it's just because I've strengthened the muscles around my ankle and then the soft tissues, et cetera, I'm able to just go back instead of going to the hospital, you know, things like that. And so that's the yoga part of it. And then eventually through this journey with yoga and then mindfulness,

I just was able to kind of slow my mind down and notice that your lovely job that keeps you busy and connects you to so many people and so many wonderful things does not have to define you. You can have hobbies and yoga became my thing. And so I got certifications as a teacher in yoga and I got certifications or certified as a mindfulness teacher. And then I went into that other.

other thing which is now let's study religions and study spiritualities and get to understand the human mind a little bit more than than what I thought I knew.

Aderonke (11:01.685)

So the next descriptor that you use was community. What does that mean?

Maryem (11:01.966)

Thank you.

Maryem (11:12.206)

That no, women is an island. We're all interconnected. We're all interdependent. We've all been in similar situations. We're all just trying to make it in one piece. And so community is what helps us get there.

Maryem (11:33.912)

Somebody once said that the next profit is the community. Because as a community of, know, the community members are all working towards the same goal. And it could be in many different ways, but that just reminds us of what our sets of beliefs are, what our most prized values are. We're all working together. We can rely on each other.

There's the other thing that says, you know, it takes a village to raise a child. It also takes a village to keep everybody functional. We are social beings. We need each other. And we realized that during the shelter in place phase of the pandemic, right? And so it's just when you said three words, that's the third word that came up because I've been noticing how much more important community is than I used to think.

Over the past few years, it really has increased in importance and I've become a little bit more intentional about building community and surrounding myself with those who I feel fit properly in there.

Aderonke (12:46.325)

Thank you. Thank you for sharing your thoughts around community. So let's get to the first question, Mariam. Please share three interesting things about yourself that our listeners may not know and friends will be surprised to learn. And let me just say for our listeners, oftentimes, well, all the time I send the questions to my guests beforehand so that they can prepare or not prepare.

And so Mariam, I know that the questions will come as a little bit of a surprise to you. So take your time and think of your answers.

Maryem (13:24.458)

So I have been an avid listener of the podcast, so I am familiar with this question. And I try to stop myself from thinking about the answers because I really want this to be.

just in the moment, what comes up in the moment. Speaking of community.

My friends have a very important role in my life, and that is to keep me sane and functional. And in order for them to do that, they need to know everything. And I give them all the information. So there is nothing I would tell you now that my friends wouldn't know.

Huh.

here's one thing. I have taken up coloring. So as I'm sitting here at my desk, listening to a podcast or taking one of the zillion classes that I take, I have been coloring and that has been really, really helpful for me in practicing mindfulness actually, because it just, focus, what you're hearing is working in the background and you focus on how do I color this fish? Which colors would work best? How about this plant?

Maryem (14:37.528)

and you're completely in the moment focusing on this one piece that you need to color before you move on. So that's been an exciting thing for me that a lot of people wouldn't know because this is just something new. My best friend got me this coloring book for Christmas. And so I decided I'll just take her up on the invitation.

Maryem (15:06.838)

Another thing that others wouldn't know necessarily, but that my friends definitely do because they've been through it with me through all these years is after all these years of studying and practicing, I was finally able to graduate from this program and get my certification as an inter-religious, inter-faith spiritual companion. And...

a very, very fulfilling event, very fulfilling kind of mission that I've taken up. And we can talk about that if you want, but this is something that a lot of people don't know. Like it's not on my LinkedIn profile or anything. You have to know the other side of me and, you know, and take, you know, look me up in terms of yoga and mindfulness to find that little tab on my website that talks about spiritual interest, faith and inter-religious spiritual.

companionship. Some people call it spiritual guidance or spiritual direction, but I like the word companion a lot.

Maryem (16:15.094)

And the third thing...

Maryem (16:24.034)

I'll get back to you on the third thing. How about that?

Aderonke (16:25.569)

Okay, we can always come back. We can always come back.

What is an inter-religious interfaith companion, spiritual companion?

Maryem (16:42.2)

That is the question, isn't it? That's a person who walks alongside you as you explore your relationship with the divine or as you work to strengthen your relationship with your spirituality. Or as you're making life decisions or decisions that are important to you, this is somebody who provides a safe space, whole space for you as you explore the different options.

Practice is deep listening, really listens to what you have to say without rehearsing what they're going to say next, without trying to find the answer for you. It's very much that figurative somebody walking by your side, just giving you the space to make the decision that you need. And the reason why it's important is because increasingly people are connecting to their spirituality in different ways and how they were brought up for different reasons.

or they curate their spirituality. So I grew up in this church or in this masjid or in this temple, but I heard something or I found out something about this other spirituality that really appeals to me. Or I heard about this faith tradition that has this other practice that I really want to adopt in my life or that I have adopted in my life and I found useful. And so by having undergone all this studying for a few years now,

the interfaith or interspiritual or interreligious portion, ecumenical portion, is what has allowed me to literally study world religions one at a time, or the most common ones, or the most commonly found ones one at a time, in order that when I am in companionship with that person, I understand their reference, it's easier for them.

to relate to me because they know they don't have to explain every single thing. when somebody's, excuse me, when somebody is really in touch with their spirituality, it guides their life, it guides their decision one way or another. And there's a whole different set of ways that it does that, that they wouldn't have to explain. Very often what I've learned is that people will need somebody like that. And I did that, I did the same thing.

Maryem (19:05.442)

by seeking a spiritual companion that's from a different tradition because the world is getting smaller and smaller and we're not necessarily geographically and socially with the people that share our spirituality anymore. A lot of us travel and move and go to different places as I have. And so it's, find it useful to work with somebody from a different spirituality or different religion because

I get their perspective and it widens my view and it opens my mind to things I may or may not have noticed or even considered before. So that's the work of an interfaith spiritual companion. And I just have clients that I meet with usually every three to four weeks. Sometimes they come into companionship because they have a question. Like I had somebody who really needed to decide on something. It was a yes or no question.

And we spent 11 months meeting once a month, just kind of going through the different things, getting to, and by me getting to know her, I started noticing some things and some patterns that she did not notice before, for instance, or I asked her questions that people in her environment weren't really asking her and she hadn't asked herself. And so I provided this other kind of perspective of somebody just getting to know you. And then there's a heavy emphasis on the non-judgmental part of it all.

when somebody's going through the conversation, you know, we're talking for an hour and I always imagine that we're walking. Let's imagine we're walking on like a railway trail or alongside, along the beach. We're not sitting across from each other, gazing into each other's eyes and trying to figure something out intellectually. We're just walking and talking. And so sometimes I'll say, tell me more or...

Aderonke (20:54.367)

Hmm.

Maryem (20:55.97)

just kind of facilitating very much like what you do, just facilitating the thinking process. Or I'll say, you mentioned this. What do you mean by that? Or every time you talk about your child, you put your hand on your heart, you know, just noticing things. And very often what that did for this person specifically is that it just kind of made her realize a lot of things that she hadn't before. A lot of people also go into

spiritual companionship, and I have a client like this who is not, who are not really linking themselves to any faith tradition or any spirituality. They identify as nuns, which is none of the above. You know, when you're filling out the form and it says, are you this, are you that, are you that? And at the bottom it says none. So they're like nuns. But very much enjoys talking to somebody who has a connection or feels a connection to a certain spirituality or to a group of spiritual.

And so as they have the conversations, again, it brings so many other things into their view as they're going through life or as they're trying to make a decision or determination. And then you have the other group who doesn't necessarily have a question. They just really want to continue to explore their spirituality. And so we just meet on a regular basis, like I said, every three or four weeks. And whatever has come up for them is what we're discussing.

There is no agenda. Sometimes it's a question. Sometimes it's an encounter that they had. Sometimes it's a suggestion that came to them. And so we're just, again, just kind of walking along, figuring it all out, exploring that. And I act as a companion, a soul friend, a mirror, just kind of being there for them as they go through their process.

Maryem (22:55.086)

Thank you.

Aderonke (22:55.891)

And so you've described your role as a soul friend, a mirror. How does this impact you going through the certification, learning about different world religions, and then listening to people's questions around religion, around the things that they have been taught and have probably been ingrained in their, in their makeup, in their, in their lives as they grow up. This is all they know.

How does that impact you? How does your learning and your listening impact you?

Maryem (23:35.758)

In a couple words very deeply, but I'll tell you why. For a while I thought maybe I was just scattering across too many things. I'm interested in yoga, I'm interested in gardening, I'm interested in meditation, I'm interested in spiritual companionship. And then I realized it's all actually converging into what obviously what I am now or the person that I am now. And what they say about yoga is it's the...

It's not about, you know, touching your toes. It's about what you learn on the way there. You learn so much from conversations. You learn so much from listening to people and just listening to them, untangling a thought.

You know, it's been said that the longest journey or the longest trip is the trip from your head to your heart. You start thinking and you begin to feel and you begin to know. All of this, it's made a huge difference in my life. The reason why I decided to go for this course actually three years ago, after I had studied several other religions for another three years, was that I come from a place

that is very close to, that is very political, right? Very close to Southwest Asia or as people call it in the Middle East and the conflicts there and the wars and the occupations and the violence and all of that. And very passionate about, I try not to use that word, but it came up very passionate about just trying to figure it out. Why can't we all get along?

and at the time.

Maryem (25:26.656)

I decided that I can't exactly answer any of the questions that I had until I had dialogue. And in order to have dialogue, you have to have an open mind and you have to understand people's perspectives, people's backgrounds. Like you said, what's been ingrained in people from when they were little, like it was with me, which guides their decisions and it guides their arguments and it guides, you know, their actions, thoughts, deeds, right?

And so it was kind of like a reverse engineering thing where I went from, okay, I just need to talk to people. I can't just be talking into this echo chamber and just to people that agree with me. I need to understand what else is going on. To reverse engineering it to saying, I really need to understand all these centuries of religious history because so much has been done in the name of religion when really very often religion didn't say to do that.

and obviously you're nodding your head to this. There's plenty examples. We don't need to go through that. And that was the first step for me. And of course, in the cohort, it was a cohort system and there are people from all over the world. And in cohort, was plenty of people that I had to learn how to have conversations with, or I would have had to learn how to have conversations with, had I been in that program, because they came from...

diametrically opposed views, or so I thought. We assume a lot when we hear somebody's name, or when we know where they're from, or we know what religion they're in, or which religion they practice. And so it's really, really had a drastic, made a drastic difference in my life. I understand more what I thought I understood a little bit of.

I feel a lot more open to differences and to discussing things and to listening, just to listen to somebody who is talking without having to, without rehearsing my answer, just practicing deep listening and just being there as the person spoke. I also feel a lot more grounded in my own views, paradoxically, right? Because now I'm like, okay, I've looked at

Maryem (27:47.906)

these things from different perspectives and I had to come back and say, no, this is wrong. This was wrong. It's been going on too long. need to do something about it. I've also discovered, which I wasn't aware of, you know, I was just kind of aware when you see something on TV or in the paper, but the power of non-

nonviolent action, nonviolent and interfaith dialogue, efforts that so many people in so many groups all over the world are making to just make this world a better place for themselves and for our children and for the next generations. I've learned that really a lot of the faith tradition, not just the three Abrahamic religions, but across the board, a lot of them have just these universal values that

really just, let's just be nice to each other. But it goes deeper than that. And there is a lot of overlap. And when you look at it historically, there's a lot of swishing back and forth. And so this prophet would have been a saint in another religion or this messenger actually traveled and went into this other place where they found or interacted with leaders in that religion. So you realize that religions from the actual age,

before and since have been impacting each other. And so what we're doing now, when we think that we're looking at a book and quoting somebody, we're actually not doing that. We carry the results of centuries and centuries and sometimes millennia of intermingling of ways of life, traditions, religions, philosophies.

Some have gods and some don't. Some have one god, some have many gods. Some focus on human interactions, others focus on the hereafter. But there's also lot of similarities between them. Once you realize that it makes the conversation easier, you can reference certain things that are common across the board. So that was a long answer to your question, and I hope I made some sense, but that's basically the impact.

Maryem (30:04.97)

on me for a time.

Thank

Aderonke (30:10.123)

Thank you, Thank you. Thank you for sharing that. Thank you for explaining what your certification means and the work that you are doing for others in different parts of the world as they examine their own faith and their own spirituality.

Maryem (30:33.71)

Thank you.

Aderonke (30:34.091)

So I want to move on to our next question. Can you tell us about a recent accomplishment or success that you're particularly proud of?

Maryem (30:45.464)

This besides my kid, the young man I call my kid. So a of my life, the best thing that ever happened to me, he's 22, I can't believe he's almost gonna be 23. He's gonna be 23 in May.

A source of light. Can't speak highly enough of him. He's such a lovely young man and watching him grow and evolve and watching him interact and get to know himself and get to know human nature and how he treats others is just beautiful. It really is. It's not my accomplishment, obviously. I just happened to be there, you know, with the rest of the family. But it's definitely something.

You know, having him in my life is definitely a highlight.

Maryem (31:38.894)

In terms of accomplishments, I can't really think of anything that stands out. I've been very busy accumulating all kinds of diplomas and certificates and whatnot and got to a point in my life when I realized none of that mattered until you integrated the knowledge from having it in your head to acting through it, using it in your behavior, using it in your day-to-day life. And that's kind of...

made me turn over the page and say, okay, what do do with all this now? Which culminated in that certification that I told you about, kind of allowed me to just see in relative terms that you don't know everything that you think you know. The fact that you've got that degree doesn't mean anything until you practice it or unless you practice it. But also what does that all of that mean in terms of

how you move in the world, how you treat people, how you treat yourself, how you treat the planet. So I'm looking forward to this achievement. I'm not definitely...

nowhere near near it but I'm looking forward to eventually answering this question with a satisfying answer.

Aderonke (33:00.477)

I will accept your answer that you've given today and look forward to if and when you have a different answer. And so there lies, I think, an open invitation to come back and explore that question. Please tell us about a time when you made a difference in another's life. What were the circumstances? Paint a picture for me.

Maryem (33:09.902)

Thank

Maryem (33:35.414)

I would like to think or to move from pinpointing one moment or one person to going back to the realization I had that I was just telling you about that everything is incremental. Right. And so you can have a little bit of an impact a little bit at a time and it adds up. And in some cultures, they call it merit. You're accumulating merit like water in a vase.

Chirp, chirp, chirp until the bass fills. That's when there's a significant difference. But also you don't always know what impact you have on others. We all have that one teacher that kind of stayed with us, right? And they said something or they did something or the way they were in class. They don't know. They had hundreds of kids. They had hundreds of students. But for us, they were the person that either guided us in a certain way or said something that stayed with us and that...

became a guiding light for us. And so that's what.

These are all elements to the answer. I'm not giving you good answers today. I don't know what's going on, but that's basically it. If I do believe that a lot of the impact of our presence is unseen by us unless somebody tells us. And our job is to make sure that when we catch ourselves and when we can, because it's not always possible, to leave a positive impression in our interactions. And who knows where that goes, right? The usual examples you read and you know.

see are, you know, smiling to somebody in transit or letting the car, you know, that's trying to get to merge into traffic, letting the merge into traffic or saying good morning with a pleasant face or a pleasant facial expression. These things can make a difference and these are your stereotypical ways that you do that. But I like to think that you have to remind yourself to be intentional.

Maryem (35:39.394)

And so when I catch myself, I'm intentional. Doesn't always happen. But when I catch myself, I am intentional going, especially in interpersonal relationships that I'm aware I'm engaged in. Because sometimes you're not even aware, right? You just say, good morning, pay for the groceries. You say thank you when you move on. But when there's sustained conversation or sustained co-presence or you're co-creating a space.

then the intentionality is there. And that's what I'm teaching myself to do is to really be intentional about what I do. So if I'm walking into a class and I'm teaching yoga that day, there's making that effort. I'm making the effort to be there for all of those that are here because they're here for a purpose and I'm the guide or the conduit for them to achieve that purpose. And so incrementally, if they come back to class, day after day or week after week, a month after month.

that difference will start to show up. And so not looking for the short term, but looking for incrementally making that difference long term in others' lives.

Thank you.

Aderonke (36:50.973)

What are the key strengths and qualities you rely on to make this incremental difference, to show up and be present for those that you support in the work, all the work that you do?

Maryem (37:03.918)

Hmm.

Maryem (37:09.974)

I have found that there is huge value in self-awareness. Self-awareness is a necessary tool for a lot of what we do, or a lot of what I do.

You have to work on yourself for a long time in order to realize that, but also to cultivate it eventually. None of us are perfect, obviously, and many of us are trying to understand ourselves and work on ourselves in order to present that helpful tool or that helpful presence to others. The other thing, in addition to self-awareness, is suspending judgment.

You don't know what somebody's gonna say. You don't know how they're gonna finish their sentence. You don't know what day they had yesterday. You don't know what's going on in their lives. Non-judgment or suspending judgment is, I have found, saves me a lot of drama and a lot of wondering what's going on or why that interaction was a certain way. Suspending judgment also widens

my view, right? And so I'm getting to know and to interact with people that otherwise I wouldn't interact with because there is no judgment. Come as you are, talk to me as whoever you are, obviously. And so you learn so much and what you learn, if you're able to integrate it, then you can give it back. And so that's the cycle that I'm working.

to continue in my life, learn and then present, and then learn and then present with plenty of self-awareness and humbling self-awareness. There's a lot of humble pie involved in all that work.

Maryem (39:11.148)

but also not judging and continuing to accept people as they are.

Aderonke (39:18.631)

And does that part of that accepting people as they are and self-awareness mean accepting ourselves as we are as well? Like learning to look at ourselves without judgment and, continue the cycle of improving. And I guess I'm grappling with that because if I'm improved, if I'm accepting myself as I am, should I be improving or should I?

Am I okay as I am? And if I'm okay as I am, do I need to improve? And I don't even know if this is making sense. Is this making any kind of sense?

Maryem (39:58.732)

A lot of sense. Yes. You're making a lot of sense. First things first, you cannot pour from an empty cup. You can't be nice to others if you're not nice to yourself. So in a lot of our work, actually my meditation classes every week that I run now, at the end of it, I guide a loving kindness meditation or a goodwill meditation, as you know, called in Sanskrit meta. And so your meta meditation begins with you. So you say, may I be head?

May I be peaceful? May I be free from harm? And there's an entire list. May I be healthy? May I have peace of mind? You begin with yourself and then you start widening the circle and then you say, you think of somebody who you adore. Like I was talking about my son earlier. And so would say, may you be happy. May you be blessed. May you be free of harm. May you be free of injury. May you live in peace. And then you move on to somebody who you encounter, but in a neutral way.

like the young man is helping you at the gas station or somebody's helping you at the airport, somebody who's making a delivery, you think of them and you send them the same thoughts of goodwill. And then you think about somebody who's difficult and presenting you with difficulty and you work to send them the same amount of goodwill. And eventually you think about the entire world and then all beings, but it starts with you. You can't function at your best if you're injured and if that injury has not been tended.

to. And so in that comes acceptance that I'm not perfect. The difference is I'm not beating myself up for not being perfect. And so I am flawed and I will fail. And if you noticed earlier, I said when I catch myself, when I catch myself, because it's not something that it's something that I have to remind myself to do in terms of my behaviors and my interactions and my practices. And so

Maryem (41:59.026)

I, you know, if I presented in a way that I don't find satisfactory, I recognize it. You have to recognize it. And then you have to detach from it. You have to let it go. And you begin again. is a beginning again is a key component of a lot of Eastern traditions, especially a lot of the Buddhist schools. And so you begin again because you can't carry

that luggage, thinking about the past, know, thinking that you're stuck in the past, thinking about the future, you're stuck in there, but be in the present. so recognize the mistake, recognize the unsatisfactory nature of humankind and the flawed nature of us as humans, and then do better. When you know better, you do better. And so that's, I don't know if that made sense in terms of your question, but that's how I see it. So you begin with yourself.

And that's how, you know, that's the self-awareness part. Some of us will have an unsatisfactory, let's say, interaction that you didn't notice. But you notice, because you have awareness and you've been working on something and you're like, okay, that's a lesson learned. Next time, I'll do better.

Maryem (43:18.316)

And you might and you might not. It's a lifelong learning journey. You might or you might not. Or I know that I haven't or that I have failed multiple, multiple times. But it serves no purpose beating yourself up. It also serves no purpose batting yourself on the back and saying good job. So you just, it's non-judgment. There's no assigning of good or bad value. There's no value assignment. It's just, it is what it is. Next time I'll do better.

Aderonke (43:43.777)

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because sometimes you get into a situation, I should have said this. I shouldn't have said that. And so you go, I'll go through a thought process. OK, I got to try. I got to do it differently next time. And then try and let it go and try and remember when the next time comes what I had indicated that I wanted to change in a particular

sort of circumstances or a particular situation. So thank you. Thank you for that. Maryam, can you recall a situation where you overcame a challenge that led to personal growth? What did you learn from that experience?

Maryem (44:48.326)

a long, long time ago, I should have read the questions for sure. But anyway, a time ago, several lifetimes ago, I worked in a quite a toxic environment. And,

What I learned is that you're, you know, some of us are, but some of us are not. And you're rarely presented with a set of circumstances that you can't work with. And also you will continue to get the same test until you've studied for it and passed it. And now it's a lesson. You can, it just keeps coming back to you and you can move, but you know, you can go somewhere else. You can work somewhere else. can.

stop talking to this person and whatnot, but you'll keep, the test will keep coming up until you've passed it and until you've learned the lesson. And what that taught me, which I've carried with me is that there's something to be said for resilience. There's something to be said for taking a step back and saying, wow, this really beat me up. Let me just regroup and decide how I'm going to move forward.

And then you move forward with having thought about things, having examined things, having examined yourself, and also having exercised discrimination, what is real and what is not real. I think I shared with you a little while ago that somebody who's dear to both of us taught me that lesson on a trip once. What is real and what is not real. Not everything is real. Not everything matters. You don't have to react to everything.

what really is an obstacle on your way, what do you think is an obstacle that really isn't? And so in that, I mean, I can't really share the specifics of those circumstances, but I did not leave, I didn't go, didn't resign. I just decided that I was gonna work on that situation.

Maryem (46:58.85)

garnered the support of management and we did some things. And eventually a lot of the miscommunications were cleared and it's important to see people as humans. And when that begins, the healing begins, right? And so instead of identifying people by their behaviors, those conversations that we had helped us get.

you know, get past it and get to know the person. It's a process and it's not always 100 % successful with everybody. But what it taught me is that I don't always have to run away. I can stay there and I can make this into a productive situation as opposed to stewing in the toxicity or leaving.

hoping I'd never encounter it again, because guess what? It'll always come back until you know how to deal with it, right?

Definitely an important lesson, very empowering too. I'm like, look, I did it. But it's an important lesson.

Aderonke (48:16.339)

Indeed it is. And as you've said, it's going to keep coming back to you until you take the test, until you learn what the lesson is and you've studied for it. Because that's how we get better. That's how we grow as individuals and know that we've overcome, as the question says, a challenge that has led to personal growth because you will grow from it. You will become, as my mom used to say, a better person.

Maryem (48:46.872)

Yeah, better, stronger, more empathetic.

Aderonke (48:51.361)

Indeed. You are listening to A.B. Wilson's Heart of the Matter podcast.

Welcome back to AB Wilson's Heart of the Matter podcast. My guest today is Mariam Beodeah. Mariam, thank you. This has been a really enriching conversation and it has given me a lot to think about. And as you do the work that you do with, for yourself and for others,

What self-care practices or strategies help you to sustain your energy and motivation while navigating your journey?

Maryem (49:42.104)

Thank you for that question. Let me preface it by saying what I should have said first, which is thank you for having me on your show. It was just a lot of conversation without Aronka. I love our chats. I always enjoy our conversation. It was just one of them. I just realized, my word, I never said thank you. So thank you for having me.

Aderonke (50:00.949)

Well, and I didn't say thank you for being here. Thank you for saying yes, but also thank you for being very specific and deliberate about what your yes meant and when you would appear. I know that we talked last year, maybe in the middle of the year. I know it wasn't towards the end of the year. It was many months ago. And you were very clear about when you would be in a space.

to have this conversation. And I appreciate that deliberateness because...

Sometimes we say yes, there's this lady, many people in Bermuda would know her name, her name's Martha Dismon, she has passed now. But one of the gems that I took away from the conversations that I had with her was what is the quality of your yes? And that stays with me because many times I just wanna say, yes, I wanna do it.

but I don't have the time and I can't commit. So I may come to one meeting, but can't make the others. And so what is the quality of my yes is important to me. And I recognize that in you, when you said, yes, you would come on the podcast, but this is when you want to be able to show up. And so I appreciate that. I appreciate you taking the time that you needed in order for your yes to be meaningful.

Maryem (51:37.166)

Thank you and thank you for your flexibility. Now what was the question?

Aderonke (51:41.697)

I truly believe we were still on self-care practices. I don't think you answered that one yet.

Maryem (51:47.906)

Yes.

Maryem (51:54.446)

engaging in my love languages. And I have a few. So quality time, enriching conversation, spending time with loved ones.

gift exchange. love giving gifts. love exchanging. love receiving gifts. It's always a big deal. It could be a pen. I always, my God, it makes me so happy. And I thoroughly enjoy picking, seeing something and saying, this would look great on so-and-so, or I think so-and-so would enjoy it. Not waiting for the birthday or for the anniversary or for Christmas is just because I saw this and I thought of you.

and words of affirmation. My son taught me that. He is generous with compliments that are from the heart. From very young, he would say things. And I learned through him to...

practice that. I mean, at the time it wasn't a love language. wasn't that the book wasn't out yet and you didn't know what it was called and or I didn't know what it was called. But I learned from him to give affirmations as they come up. Don't wait and say why don't you know, you know, there's obviously value in being thankful and saying thank you. My son will always add something that specifically even points what it is.

And so that's what, these are the things that help me in terms of self care. I did mention earlier that humans were social beings and I'm definitely one. I definitely rely on my community. definitely, it's, you know, when I need a break, that's where I go. When I need to source myself, that's where I go. There across the planet, this is not somebody's house that I go to here necessarily. There I have.

Maryem (53:57.208)

tribes people here, but also they're all across the world. And thankfully, the internet and video calling has made it easier. And so that's where I go for taking a break and for taking care of myself. But that's also where I go for reality checks, which are equally as important. And for mirrors.

It's not always fun, but it's always welcome. And so that's the community that I rely on.

Aderonke (54:39.649)

I look back on our conversation and I think about this question, I want to...

Maryem (54:57.026)

It's amazing.

Aderonke (54:58.049)

Excuse me, let me start over again.

Mariam, thank you. Thank you for sharing your self-care and the mirror. The mirror is often tough, right? When you have to see the rawness, but the beauty as well and everything that is reflected back on us. And as a self-care tool, think I've never heard it quite like that. So I appreciate you bringing that to the fore. And my next question,

is how might sharing your experiences of success and growth create a positive ripple effect in your family, community, the world?

Maryem (55:50.414)

So I have two sisters. They're much, much younger than me. They're twins. They came up. They showed up after I thought I wasn't going to have playmates. And then they showed up. And they're the best thing, best thing for sure. We didn't come up together because I was a teenager by the time they showed up. But we always had the kind of relationship we could talk about anything. And as they got older and they matured,

and now they're full grown, amazing adults. We do a lot of talking and lot of processing of all kinds of things. And I realized a few years back that we hadn't really talked about this, but in our own way, all three of us had decided I'm going to be a cycle breaker.

breaking cycles of things that happen generationally, sometimes without even a thought, right? That's just how we do things that we realize that's not gonna work anymore. And this is where it stops. And so...

Maryem (57:04.682)

there's that deliberate effort among us to be the cycle breakers across the family. We have a huge extended family, very tight-knit family. Everybody loves each other. Everybody's on top of each other. And I grew up that way, and I miss it a lot being here. I've been here actually most of my life, more than half my life here, and I try to go back as much as possible, but it doesn't always work. And so I miss that. What I...

What I think we add to it is that intentionality of breaking the cycle. Now we have, you know, people all over the world, the families, you know, when people go to school different places and stay there, people decide to be nomads and go far and wide. But there is that deliberate effort to talk to everybody, to keep in touch with everybody and to break the cycles to...

speak up when necessary and my sisters do that a lot better than I can. They're a lot more outspoken and a lot more eloquent when saying, this is how I want to raise my child or this is how I want to interact with my baby niece or my baby cousin or something in a way that makes it very visible to those around us that this is how we're going to do this now. This is how we're going to treat the young generation now.

And a lot of it has to do with there are some things that served us over generations because of the situations where we were because of the circumstances and they served us and they were important and those behaviors conserved a lot of the vitality of the family or of the traditions or of the culture. But things have changed and what used to serve us no longer does. So we need to let go.

And that's been, since I realized it a few years back, that's been definitely something that we kind of quietly add to the agenda when we're talking. And just making sure that we're still where we need to be when it comes to supporting each other, brainstorming solutions, brainstorming different ways of doing things, bringing in resources, all.

Maryem (59:31.276)

or a lot of it has to do with the next generation has to have all the chances to be better, brighter, shinier than all of us combined. So that's definitely a work that we do. I didn't tell them I was gonna talk about them today, so I'm gonna have to get their permission retroactively, but yes.

Aderonke (59:58.901)

What exciting opportunities do you see on the horizon? How do these opportunities align with your passions and aspirations?

Maryem (01:00:12.334)

So ever since I started school at preschool, I've always been in school. Always been in school, always studying, and you know that about me.

quite a few people around me because I'm never available for a lot of things that I should be available for. But I decided that this was going to be the last of it. This certification was going to be the last of it. And I'm nearing 50 in a couple of years and I decided by the time I'm 50, I need to take a break. I need to relax. There's so much that I will never know. And trying to study at all is not going to resolve that.

It's about really digesting what I already have learned and making it into something that I know. And, you know, like we said earlier, translated into behaviors and interactions and thoughts and deeds and words. And so when I finished, when I got this last certificate was in January on January 14th. Remember I said, let's do this after January 14th. And I'm still signed up to a few.

courses here and there, but they're at your own pace. They're not, I don't have to read books and do reports and I don't have to present, cetera. So a lot of the, a lot of the weight has been lifted and I found myself not knowing what to do with myself.

I've been studying and I've had deadlines and I've had to do something for something as long as I can remember. And so I asked my son, was like, what do think I should do? I don't, this is not, this is not good. This is, need to be, what do you think I should do? And he said, create, create something. And so this coloring book is part of it I'm creating, like taking baby steps into,

Maryem (01:01:58.22)

discovering and enjoying my own creativity. But I think maybe the next thing that's crystallizing itself more more in my mind is maybe writing.

I'm not sure what it's going to look like,

Maryem (01:02:18.552)

I mean, there's content creation and there's writing, sitting and deliberately writing a message for the next generation.

I mean, the indigenous people of North America and Turtle Island say that what you do today impacts the world seven generations, throughout seven generations after you. And so it's just something about the continuity of what I've learned and transmitting what I've in practical ways. And I'll explain why. A lot of the...

Maryem (01:03:02.798)

you

How does what I learned translate into my day-to-day life? If I'm talking about being mindful, how does that influence how I move in the world? What have I learned that now, that had I learned before, would have saved me a lot of pain? What have I understood now that was right in front of me the whole time, but I just had something?

had some kind of filter and I had to remove the filter to see things. So like kind of answers to these questions. And I think at some point I was like, you know, was kind of noting them down on my phone, all these like little sentences that I called my keys to freedom. Because once I understood these things, one at a time, it's like I was a little bit freer to be me and I was a little bit freer to kind of evolve.

and so that's something that I'm looking forward to. don't know what it's going to look like. might be, you know, I might be inspired by you and have it as a podcast. could be a calendar, could be a book. really don't know. but that's, I think that's where we are and what I've, you know, I'm trying to use the tools that I have.

and the tools that I have are.

Maryem (01:04:35.64)

For instance, teaching something is the best way to learn more about it. And so if I'm talking, when I'm talking to my sisters, when I'm talking to my son, when I'm talking to my friends, and I'm trying to explain something, I understand it better.

And so that's probably also selfishly another part of why I want to write or why I want to transmit the little knowledge that I've accumulated. I mean, the obvious reason is because I want to help others. But the other reason might be that I want to really go back over all these notions that I have and sift through them and figure out what's real and what's not. What do I want to stay with me? What do I want to let go of? What did I think I understood?

that I haven't understood or what did I neglect looking more deeply into that now that I have the time, I can dive in. And I find that, or I realize that one way to do that is just to go back over my notes and go back over just thinking about all this stuff and kind of narrowing it down into these simple ways that, simple lessons.

simple sentences that, like I said, would be like my keys to freedom, or maybe they could help somebody else.

Thank you.

Aderonke (01:06:01.931)

So, your Keys to Freedom could potentially become a book, could potentially become a podcast. What book recommendations do you have? It could be a book you've read recently or something that has stayed with you over the years.

Maryem (01:06:27.126)

I'm trying to look and see, I'm trying to cheat and look at the books. But the one that's, I mean, I've read, so much as a child, I was an avid book reader. I was reading what they call the chapter books from really, really tiny.

Maryem (01:06:46.99)

One that has stayed with me that I read just a few years ago and as part of my giving back to this program that I'm studying with I now teach or I now facilitate is called Bright Dawn by Reverend Koyo Kubose. Reverend Koyo Kubose is a, he's passed on now, but he was the head of the Bright Dawn Center for Oneness.

And it's a Buddhist center. He comes from an ancestry of Zen Buddhist practitioners and leaders, but also on the Pure Land side. his father had come, was born in the US, but the grandparents had come from Japan, and they had gone through the internment camps in World War II, et cetera. And then he was born in Chicago. He opened the first temple in Chicago and then moved everything to California.

his whole history and I'm saying his whole history because it gave him a really unsettling kind of levity to how he sees life and to how he talks about his very or he talked in the past he passed away a years ago talking about these very heavy sometimes complex matters of Buddhism

and sutras and complicated texts that have been translated through the ages and through different languages. And so you think this word means this, but it means that. And what he wanted to do is he wanted to teach Buddhism in a way that it was practical, that you didn't have to wait until you went to temple on a Sunday. It's something you could do every day. And that's something that I, you know, I talked about, I mentioned to you earlier, like what we believe is the right thing to do.

Can we just practice it as we move through the world, as we're driving our cars, we're standing in line, as we're going into meetings and not waiting until we go to church on Sunday or we go to the Masjid on Friday to reconnect? Can that connection stay top of mind or in the back of our heads maybe throughout? And in Bright Dawn, it's not a very big book, it's not very thick, it's maybe 80 pages or so.

Maryem (01:09:06.742)

he just kind of takes you on his morning run. Now by then he was 80. And so he did say that, I know I'm not running, I'm shuffling. And you know, and he has a good time with that. But he gives examples all throughout the book about how from when he wakes up at 5 a.m. to get ready to go on that run around Lake Michigan.

how he sees opportunities to practice his religion, which was Buddhism. And so one example is his washing his teeth. And it's all in sequence. I don't know how I can remember exactly how it starts, but there's the example of washing your teeth. And so he's saying, washing my teeth, I remind myself that it is my responsibility to say loving words and expressions of love and kindness and made me washing my teeth clean all of that and make sure that I do.

Then he goes to put his shoes on, his running shoes on and he thanks them in what's called gassho, like the Anjali Mudra, the hands together in front of the heart. So he bows to his shoes and he thanks them because without them he wouldn't be running, it would hurt too much. You know, the rocks and the, you know, the little twigs and whatnot. And so, you know, using these very simple daily examples, he just takes you on this walk. And like he talks about, like, you know, going...

getting ready in the morning and going to the bathroom and you have to be thankful because your body is functioning right. You can actually go to the bathroom. It's a privilege to deny too many. And so he called it, know, being thankful for the movements. And, you know, he goes around there and then he talks about this tree that he sees. He talks about the circle and what it means in his religion. know, circle in Buddhism has to do with beginning again, you because you're always...

There's no beginning and no end. if you fail or if you flail, you can just begin again. You just continue going, continue learning, continue developing. It's a circle. It's an unending line. And there go the examples all the way, all the way until he finishes his run. And that book, very simple, but very profound concepts. And I've facilitated it.

Maryem (01:11:26.638)

In this program, people read a book and as a facilitator, you just kind of meet with them and help them if there's anything that's unclear. But really the job is for these participants to develop their own wisdom. So you're not teaching, you're just facilitating the learning. I've done this twice already over two years. And I always see something new. Because it's just so simple, getting in my car and being thankful for the wheels that are going to get me there because it's cold. And if I were to walk,

it's gonna be uncomfortable, know, stuff like that. He just gives examples. And, you know, he pulls in from, you know, he is spiritual leader. So he pulls in from his congregation and all of that to give real life examples. But he really reduces it to very simple ways that you can practice what's called the Dharma, you know, the wisdom of Buddhism, simple ways you can practice it on a daily basis and not wait for the big.

moment where you can show yourself that you are now a good a quote-unquote good Buddhist.

.

Aderonke (01:12:35.283)

And so as we come to the end of our conversation, Maryam, is there anything else? Do you have any final thoughts?

Maryem (01:12:49.582)

Hmm.

Maryem (01:13:00.294)

Just emphasizing the importance of community and mindfulness and also renewal. Renewal in terms of interactions with others. Renewal in terms of kindness to yourself. know, the things that we talked about is if you who wasn't satisfied the first time around, begin again. There's always quality in renewal.

and really hoping that...

Maryem (01:13:37.614)

through what I see going on in the world, all these nonviolent resistance movements and all these interfaith exercises that show up or have shown up over the years in all kinds of places, that they gain strength and that they make a difference. They're all...

very often based on what we talked about, was kindness, kindness to self, kindness to others, self-awareness so that you may help the other, non-judgment so you may understand the other. I mean, in Islam, there's in the Quran, God said, I created you as, and it's a loose paraphrasing, but I created you as tribes and groups of people that are different so that you may know each other, so that you may get to know your differences and accept them.

And so hoping that through all this studying that I've done, this stuff has become very clear to me is that at the crux of it, kindness and compassion and wisdom to self, towards self and others are the keys to saving the world. And when you read the news, you do realize that the world might need saving. And so I guess this is just a...

call or hope or an ode to these three tools in the hopes that we will together as we realize the importance of just being kind to each other. We realize the importance of it becoming cross boundary and cross border and going from person to person to community to community to country to country and getting us there one day eventually.

Thank you.

Aderonke (01:15:30.977)

Mariam, we started with community and you have ended this conversation with community. I must say thank you. Thank you very much for your deep introspection and thank you for your time today. The appreciation nuggets that I'm taking away from today's talk are no woman is an island. We're all interconnected.

Maryem (01:15:34.488)

Thank

Aderonke (01:15:59.915)

community helps us get there. The longest trip is the trip from your head to your heart. And this one that particularly resonated with me, you will get the same test until you study for it, learn the lesson and pass the test. Those are the nuggets, just three of the many nuggets.

that I'm taking away from today's conversation. I appreciate you taking the time to join me on A.B. Wilson's Heart of the Matter, a podcast dedicated to asking overwhelmingly positive questions as we uncover incredible stories of people you may know. Mariam, thank you for being a part of my conversation today.

Maryem (01:16:51.79)

Thank you so much for having me. I always enjoy our interaction and thank you for keeping me as part of your world and for inviting me into this lovely podcast that I thoroughly enjoy. I thoroughly enjoy listening to the episodes and I look forward to seeing you again.

Aderonke (01:17:08.769)

Thank you.