S2 Ep42: Teaching Yourself to Fly: Ebony Fray’s Guide to Joyful Living

Welcome to this warm and inspiring episode of ABWilson’s Heart of the Matter podcast, where host Aderonke Bademosi Wilson engages in a heartfelt conversation with Ebony Fray, a radiant voice of love, joy and peace. Ebony shares the meaningful tradition she began of choosing a guiding word each year, illustrating how love led her journey two years ago, followed by a year dedicated to joy and now a focus on peace. Through this practice, Ebony invites listeners to embrace intentional living, fostering self-awareness and personal growth.

Listeners will be charmed by Ebony’s humorous and candid personality, her unabashed love for chocolate and how she uses humor as a powerful tool to connect with others and uplift the spirit. Ebony recounts her transition from her role as a learning and development specialist to becoming a joyful female MC, bringing celebration and laughter to events, while also stepping into the challenging world of compliance with enthusiasm and determination.

The episode offers deeply relatable reflections on life’s crossroads, including the courage required to leave a job that no longer aligns with one's passions. Ebony encourages everyone to trust themselves to take leaps, even when uncertain, sharing her mantra, teach yourself how to fly, you’ll land on your feet.

Ebony’s approach to self-care is refreshingly authentic and varied, ranging from reading and long drives to prayer and spending time with her godchildren. She highlights the importance of rest and joy as vital parts of sustaining energy and motivation. The conversation ends with Ebony’s favorite book recommendations and a hopeful reminder of the contagiousness of joy, demonstrating how small ripples of positivity can profoundly impact families, communities and the world.

This episode is a heartfelt celebration of resilience, intention and joy. It offers practical advice and inspiration for anyone navigating change, seeking growth or simply longing for a more joyful and peaceful everyday life.

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Transcript

Aderonke Bademosi Wilson (00:01.164)
 Welcome to another edition of ABWilson's Heart of the Matter, a podcast that uses overwhelmingly positive questions to learn about our guests, where every episode uncovers extraordinary stories of triumph, growth, and empowerment. Hi, I'm Aderonke Bademosi Wilson. My guest on today's show is Ebony Fray. Ebony is love, joy, peace. Ebony, welcome to the show.

Ebony Fray (00:33.283)
 Thank you, thank you.

Aderonke Bademosi Wilson (00:35.66)
 Ebony, why did you choose love as one of your descriptors?

Ebony Fray (00:40.759)
 Love. Truthfully, trying to embody that, having tried to embody that, the greatest of these is love. I like words. I am a words person. And a couple of years back, I actually decided to pick a word that I'd kind of focus on each and every year. It could be something I wanted to hone in on or develop, something I wanted to experience more of, understand better. So yeah, two years back now, love would have been the word that I picked.

And again, the greatest of these is love is why that was there, just trying to experience the many facets, many versions of love and giving it as best as I could to those that are around me and those that I encounter. It's not something that has stopped since then, but it was a focus for that year. Joy and peace are very similar in that regard. So just last year, I came off my joy journey.

And it doesn't stop there, but that was the word that I selected and I was at my, I call it the Joy Junction. I was a joy seeker and very intentional about that last year. And this year's word, the third word I selected was peace. Those three words were just easy, given I have a word per year. There are a lot I probably could have chosen, but right now I'm just on that peace journey. I'm not letting things...

Get to me personally, things that are beyond my control. I find that even the advice that I give to people, how can you remove yourself from that? If it's not you, don't take it on. So even the advice I'm giving to people is around just assuming a posture of peace. That's where I am right now, but love and joy are still there.

Aderonke Bademosi Wilson (02:28.536)
 Thank you. And as you select your words, what do you do? How do you find the words that define your year?

Ebony Fray (02:37.103)
 So there's no science, no formula around it. It's usually something maybe that I've read, something that keeps just depositing itself or showing up in my life, in my spirit, something that I may feel I'm lacking and need to do some more development on. So it's really no, I have no idea what next year's word will be, but yeah, it's usually a...

December exercise as I try to wind down the year and plan for the next—it's like what do you want to focus on this year? What do you want to learn more about, experience, or just have at the forefront? Sometimes it's just changing your lens on things and so having a word does that for me.

Aderonke Bademosi Wilson (03:22.926)
 Thank you. I will say I also have a word of the year. I started doing it last year. And my word is belonging for this year. Several years ago, actually, one of my first guests told me about a book, One Word, I think it's called One Word, and it helps you think about—

Ebony Fray (03:33.761)
 Okay, what's your word?

Aderonke Bademosi Wilson (03:51.183)
 Okay. How you want to select your word for the year. For some, it's meditation, some it's prayer, some it's just letting it sit quietly and wait to see what bubbles up in your soul. And for me, just, I did some meditation. I just let it sit with me. I was, I thought about it consciously to see what happens and then I let it rest. And my word belonging came.

Ebony Fray (04:17.867)
 Mm-hmm. Okay. Challenge accepted. Go for it. I'm going to actually look at the book now maybe and see if there should be a better way to select words. But good to know that someone else is being guided by one word one year. I like it.

Aderonke Bademosi Wilson (04:20.93)
 Yeah.

Aderonke Bademosi Wilson (04:33.58)
 Yes, yeah, and I'll confirm the name of the book for you, but I believe it's One Word. So thank you for sharing how you came about your descriptors. I'd like our listeners to learn a little bit more about you, Ebony. Please share three interesting things about yourself that our listeners may not know and your friends will be surprised to learn.

Ebony Fray (04:40.246)
 Okay.

Ebony Fray (05:00.11)
 Friends, surprise to learn that is not possible. I am an open book. So hello listeners. Those of you who don't know me might be surprised to learn that I'm a chocolate lover. I will admit that. Houston, whoever Houston is, I have a huge problem and that is chocolate. I am a chocolate lover. I don't tolerate caffeine as well as I should for being a chocolate lover.

But whenever there's chocolate, you will find me. I often say people start with an A in my book, right? I don't make people prove themselves. You already have an A for me. You work your way down after that. If you have chocolate there, you start with an A plus. So you're already above the crowd if you come with chocolate.

Aderonke Bademosi Wilson (05:43.212)
 You okay? Do you have a favorite type of chocolate? Favorite brand?

Ebony Fray (05:52.079)
 I don't. A Who or Not Cadbury will get me on any day, good or bad, but I do not discriminate. I love good chocolate and cheap chocolate, so trust me, as long as it's chocolate and it's edible, you're pleasing me on that level. But that's one thing that your listeners may not know. Secondly,

Hopefully we've started, but it usually doesn't take me long to get some laughs from other people, so I'm not a self-proclaimed comedian at all, but just talking to me, just being around me people tend to smile and laugh—it's a most personal challenge that I have and that I want people to smile and laugh when they're around me. Life's hard, right? And so that's different for everybody.

The moments that you're with me, I want you to smile or laugh and so that's something that I think is interesting about me and I think you'll learn that rather quickly. And the third thing, punking out here I guess a bit—I've never been on a podcast before so that if I sound professional, yay me, but it's not something I've done before. So I'm excited about what today will sound and look like. And I hope to not just entertain and impart some knowledge maybe, but I hope to enjoy it myself.

Aderonke Bademosi Wilson (07:15.47)
 Well, welcome and I sincerely hope this first experience on being on a podcast will be super enjoyable and help you to get onto other podcasts.

Ebony Fray (07:33.771)
 All right.

Aderonke Bademosi Wilson (07:37.292)
 Ebony, can you tell us about a recent accomplishment or success that you're particularly proud of?

Ebony Fray (07:45.582)
 Accomplishment or success that I'm proud of—I think I'm probably happy to share and talk about vacation. May not seem like an accomplishment or a success to some, but it is to me because it was a conscious decision we made about a year ago and planned for it. A friend of mine was turning 39 and wanted to do this Mediterranean adventure and so we went for it. It gave me the time to kind of wind down, separate from the normal, what is constant, what can sometimes become mundane,

and gave me the ability to recharge, right? I had some really good food. I met some nice people. When there were trying times, the group that I was traveling with made that so much more enjoyable. Even giggled about it to this day. Went to some countries I've never been to before. I guess it's a cliché, but they say you can't pour from an empty cup. It was really an opportunity to be poured into so that I can give out.

And so maybe not an accomplishment to some, but to me it was. I rarely followed my own advice. I'd tell people you just need a trip, things will be better. If you just take a trip, things will be better. So I took my own advice, did that, and so it feels like an accomplishment.

But if I think a bit harder, maybe over a year ago, I actually launched myself as a female MC. And that was simply because I love to talk, in case you can't tell. I definitely was that child on every report card that talks too much. So I thought it would be a way for me to kind of channel some of that energy. But turns out I got so much joy from it. It's sheer joy when you're at events and able to interact with people, celebrate with people, honor God.

Ebony Fray (09:44.11)
 Sometimes tell people what to do, even though you're just the figurehead as an MC. It teaches me about being creative and how to quickly navigate to plan B. That's something I'm really proud of because one, there are not many female MCs. It was, I guess, a positive thing for me to kind of go and do and use this Talk Too Much energy. And yeah, I'm pretty proud of it.

A couple of gigs, a very diverse gig, so I get exposed to things and people and again it seems to bring profound joy so far. So that's probably something I'm proud of as well. That's rather recent.

Aderonke Bademosi Wilson (10:28.025)
 So how did you start? How did you know that that's what you'll want to do? Because even though people may talk a lot, that doesn't mean that they can get up in front of a crowd with a microphone and start talking. So tell me about how you started.

Ebony Fray (10:44.589)
 Yeah, so true story. I mean, outside of always getting that on my report card, I worked as a learning and development specialist. So my job was to train and instruct people. So kind of used to being in front of a crowd. I'm a Toastmaster. So shout out to Toastmasters. So I kind of train and develop in public speaking. And I really am that kind of person that like you just... you just have to try it.

There's a saying that I kind of live by from a book I read that says, what did it matter if it scared you when it simply had to be done? And so oftentimes, I just found myself being behind a mic. I found myself being that person that they gave that responsibility to. So it really felt like more of a natural transition than anything for me.

Aderonke Bademosi Wilson (11:36.505)
 So if people want to find you for an event, how can they find you?

Ebony Fray (11:40.845)
 Find me, please find me. I am available on Instagram. That's kind of the only social I'm using these days. And I'm simply ebonydmc. So if you go to Instagram at ebonydmc, that is me. It's an open page. You can message me from there. But my contact details are there as well. And I'll bring you back.

Aderonke Bademosi Wilson (12:02.776)
 Thank you, I'll make sure that that is on the website so people can find you. Ebony, please tell us about a time when you made a difference in another's life. What were the circumstances? Paint a picture for me.

Ebony Fray (12:17.963)
 That's a great question as well. That could be a deep question. I am not CPR certified, so please don't need that around me. But making a difference in another's life. Truly, I'd like to think that every time and in everything, every day, in every way, I'm making a difference, right? So it doesn't matter if I'm giving advice on a particular situation or sharing myself in any sort of capacity, letting you out in traffic, who knows? I mean, I'm just striving to be a good person.

It's a lot associated with being a good person, but I'd like to think, at least hope, that giving of myself and being a good person is making a difference in someone's life. I can't really pinpoint one in particular, but you know, every time I mentor a young student that comes to work, every time I write a reference and you get the job, every time you get that thing, said, "Abinie, you did this," I hope that I'm making a difference. But again, not doing it for the accolades or applause.

I'm really not even able to, again, pinpoint one in particular. But I'd like to think that every interaction with me is kind of just what you needed in that moment. It could range.

Aderonke Bademosi Wilson (13:40.992)
 And given the work that you do helping others, what are the key strengths and qualities you rely on to make a difference?

Ebony Fray (13:53.774)
 For me, a big one is humor. I think that's an instant connector for people. And so I was always taught that everyone smiles in the same language. And so that's just a symbol of joy and happiness. And that's what I like to share. I think that's one of the strengths that I rely on. And then people ask, I'm like, how do you do it? I'm like, I really don't know. So if you're not funny, don't try to be funny. Like find something else that you're good at and use that.

I'm quickly able to build rapport with people. A lot of that comes from the humor as well and builds trust. And I think that that's important in times when you're making a difference or trying to make a difference, impacting someone's life. Trust is another big one. I think I listen well as much as I talk. As a child, my mom would always say, listen and silent have the same letters, Ebony. You got to do one to do the other.

I have the ability to listen and speak at the same time. I'm a magician, right? But I think good listening, that's a part of communication, but I think good listening is another strength of mine that people often comment on. They're surprised that I heard that. Like, yup, I heard that. And that helps me to, I think, survive or strive or even thrive in the area of trying to make a difference.

Aderonke Bademosi Wilson (15:19.663)
 Thank you. And can you recall a situation where you overcame a challenge that led to personal growth? What did you learn from that experience?

Ebony Fray (15:34.509)
 Can you repeat the question? Sorry.

Aderonke Bademosi Wilson (15:36.025)
 Sure. Can you recall a situation where you overcame a challenge that led to personal growth? What did you learn from that experience?

Ebony Fray (15:46.893)
 Mmm, fun times. Don't want to say it, but I'm going to say it. It was leaving a job. It was no longer aligning with my passions, what I thought was my purpose, or going to be providing the growth I needed to move on in that purpose. And so I had to make the decision to leave. It wasn't the easiest. I often tell people who are weighing that—

leaving a job or leaving any sort of situation is often the people that tie you to that. And so I'd made some great connections, great colleagues, great friendships that have all lasted that leave. But that was a pretty, for me, a challenge at the time. What I learned from that was that you can do it, that the good friendships will last. You teach yourself how to fly.

You will land on your feet, even though things may be uncomfortable for a bit and not what you're used to. It teaches you humbleness, whether you like it or not. It will do that to you, but most of all, I'm grateful to gratitude, but I think it was a confidence booster because it lets me know in other realms that you know what, you might be scared, you might be uncomfortable for a bit, but if this is what you think in your heart of hearts, then go and do it.

And then see how you fly.

Aderonke Bademosi Wilson (17:20.025)
 What advice or guidance would you give to somebody else in a similar situation who may not necessarily be happy in their current job, who may be just looking for new challenges, new opportunities, new something? What guidance or advice would you give?

Ebony Fray (17:36.268)
 Mm-hmm.

Ebony Fray (17:41.817)
 I tell them to try. 100% of the shots you don't take you are sure to miss. But you really do have to have some self-reflection and look within. See what you can, if you can, be doing anything better. Like the answer isn't always to leave or to leave right away when something doesn't go your way. But if in your heart of hearts and after evaluation you feel as though this is what you need to do,

then I say go for it. But yeah, check in with your loved ones, check your responsibilities. Don't let this be limiting, right? But just kind of make note of them. What are the pros and cons of me, of us having this move? And I definitely, I say go for it. I'm the kind of person that wants to kick you off the ledge. Like I've heard enough complaining, enough benton. You're not yourself anymore. Go for it because you...

You will actually surprise yourself.

Aderonke Bademosi Wilson (18:38.095)
 And should you have a direction in mind as you're making this decision or make it up along the way?

Ebony Fray (18:46.54)
 I'm hoping that self-reflection was some thought. You know what you don't like, which is why you're trying to leave, right? So that's part of it. But you also should know what you like and know what you're good at. Know your capacity for growth and development if you're pivoting to something new.

Or what you're already good at if you're looking to just do that somewhere else for someone else, for yourself even, right? You might want to pivot to entrepreneurship. So I'd say go for it. But yes, just think about it a bit. I don't say go for anything. That would never be my advice.

Think about it for a bit. But again, just have some faith in yourself because believe it or not, you will measure up. You have no other options. So you will measure up.

Aderonke Bademosi Wilson (19:41.391)
 Thank you for sharing your guidance.

Ebony Fray (19:44.288)
 No problem.

Aderonke Bademosi Wilson (19:49.176)
 You are listening to ABWilson's Heart of the Matter podcast. Welcome back to ABWilson's Heart of the Matter. My guest today is Ebony Fray. Ebony, we have talked about your word of the year, well, and your previous words of the year. We've talked about your love, your undying love for chocolate. We've talked about having the courage and finding the strength to leave a job.

Ebony Fray (20:08.79)
 Yep.

Aderonke Bademosi Wilson (20:17.487)
 Even though it was a tough decision, but making the decision to move on and having confidence in yourself to be able to do it. What self-care practices or strategies help you to sustain your energy and motivation while navigating your journey?

Ebony Fray (20:36.972)
 Motivation and energy, those are two words that stand out. Self-care is a big thing and a big one for a lot of people. I love the fact that it's personal, so do not judge me for what I may share. But when it comes to self-care and things that I do consistently because they bring me energy in whatever way, shape or capacity, I love to read. I know that's not something that everyone loves, but...

Admittedly, I'm a nerd. I love to read. That does fill my cup. And I will read anything. I don't necessarily love everything, but I will read anything. That's something I do as self-care. I go for long drives. For some reason, that works for me. Sitting off by the water is a big one. That's a real big one. I do that regularly.

Sometimes your problems seem insurmountable and you get surrounded by a body of water and you see how big God is, how little you are, and it all goes away. It literally just melts away. So I love sitting off by the water. I have dedicated prayer time. That's something that I take seriously around self-care. A good cup of coffee on certain days.

Sitting and reflecting becomes self-care. I love to be around my godkids. I have seven. And so rotating my time between these developing persons and personalities is always fun for me. They do energize me, but they also exhaust me because some of them are little. I don't know,

sometimes aimless scrolling on Instagram, finding memes

Ebony Fray (22:41.391)
 Sometimes aimless scrolling on Instagram, finding memes, things that are funny and sharing that becomes self-care and the balance I need.
 I say I'm kind of a comedian, so I love stand-up comedy. So if I've had a bad day, then I'll tune into a stand-up comedy to lift my spirits. I know that's a lot, and they're probably very random, but those are the things that I probably do on a pretty regular basis to energize and motivate me.

Aderonke Bademosi Wilson (22:56.258)
 Excellent. Thank you for sharing. How might your experiences of success and growth create a positive ripple effect in your family, community, the world?

Ebony Fray (23:14.107)
 So what comes to mind is a lyric by Lauryn Hill. She might be quoting somebody else, my favorite artist. She said, "It takes one drop of purity to clean a cesspool." And I could be interpreting this another way, but for me, I think joy is contagious. And so what you do will have an impact on those that are around you. I don't think it has to be grand gestures or huge things. I think a little good goes a long way or produces impact for something big.

Yeah, I think that pertains to family, that pertains to community, that pertains to the world. It starts with you. And again, I do think that positive good energy is something that is contagious. And so the ripple effect is there. You do have to be vulnerable enough and okay enough to share not just the fun, not just the good, also even the struggles or the challenges. So being transparent is huge, but I do think that it is a ripple effect, like you will see the impact and you may get comments on it, you may not, but I think what you do will impact those around you, be it your family, be it your community and ultimately the world.

Aderonke Bademosi Wilson (24:29.296)
 And what exciting opportunities do you see on the horizon? How do these opportunities align with your passions and aspirations?

Ebony Fray (24:42.439)
 So I'm an easily excitable person. Yay me. I love to stay on the side of optimism and hope. I've recently transitioned industries, so I'm looking to learn and grow a bit more in that new industry. As I mentioned, I am an MC, so I'm looking forward to the gigs that are to come that again, is shared joy, right? I'm providing some joy, but I get joy when I'm part of those events.

I'm looking for any opportunity literally to share myself, share my giftings, share what joy I have, anything to make someone smile or laugh. I really do welcome those opportunities with open arms.

Aderonke Bademosi Wilson (25:26.272)
 And you've said you've just transitioned careers. Tell me about where you are right now. Tell me about this latest transition.

Ebony Fray (25:34.859)
 Alright, so I've actually pivoted into the wonderful world of compliance. Compliance is a very in-demand career, not just in Bermuda, but globally. And it's something I had experience with from an education basis, from working in a bank for so many years, you have to do compliance courses.

But it's something I decided to jump in with my two feet and just try it out. So far, so good. Definitely looking to do a bit more development in that space. I'm working with a more conservative organization now, but I'm also working in compliance, who are those gatekeepers or at least that first line of defense. So I definitely am looking forward to it. I definitely am welcoming everything that comes. Nothing has been too hard so far. So I'm still happy. I'm still in the honeymoon phase.

Aderonke Bademosi Wilson (26:31.354)
 Thank you. And it sounds like you're enjoying it.

Ebony Fray (26:35.411)
 Yep, that's a big thing for me if you can't tell. Joy is very important. Yep, I'm enjoying it.

Aderonke Bademosi Wilson (26:42.008)
 And so what brings you joy?

Ebony Fray (26:45.259)
 What brings me joy? So I told you last year joy was my word. So I was a joy seeker. A lot of their self-care things, I guess, I talked about bring joy. People bring joy. I probably shouldn't be saying that on a podcast that people can hear, but people do bring me joy. I love to interact with people, hear their stories, hear their perspectives, again, make them smile or laugh like genuinely, not as a front. I love that.

What else brings me joy? I mean, honestly, seeing people smile. People smiling and laughing honestly brings joy to me.

Aderonke Bademosi Wilson (27:29.032)
 And we're coming near to the end of our conversation. And you said you're a reader, so I'm looking forward to hearing your thoughts. What book recommendation or recommendations do you have? It can be a book that you've read recently or something that has stayed with you over the years.

Ebony Fray (27:48.875)
 Yeah, so there are so many. Shout out to the Big Bow Tie Bookmark Book Club. None of these come from that reading, but a book that impacted my life at maybe the age of 17 was called, is called rather, The 21 Irrefutable Laws of Leadership by Dr. John C. Maxwell. That's an amazing book that I have read several times since I was 17. That was only two years ago, though, but...

Aderonke Bademosi Wilson (28:15.342)
 Hahaha.

Ebony Fray (28:18.599)
 I'm challenged by it. I'm refreshed. I actually find joy when I see the laws in action, when I meet people. Not just people that are managers or in leadership capacities formally, but those that are displaying those qualities and don't have title. That was a book that I read as a part of a leadership program and then had the opportunity to teach it to the cohort after me. And it's one that I... I rely on a lot in my professional life and giving advice to coaches and things of that nature. That's a book that I turn to. So that's one. And it's not everybody's taste, but that is one of mine.

And then the second one I recommend is, I kind of like self-development. Sorry, I'm a nerd like that. So the second one more recently would be The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins. So that... That was a recommend actually. I went to lunch with a friend and she said you might like this since you like self-improvement. I was, I wouldn't say I was challenged by that book. I'd definitely say I was validated by that book. So it's a lot of things that you know and you, she backs it by science and she backs it with more examples and they're very varied examples, but they feel like they're talking to you.

So let them is let people be and do as they please and it's beyond your control. So stop trying to control it, but the second part is about let me. So what am I gonna do and how are my actions gonna change to that one that doesn't bother me? But also I prosper or progress. I really like that book as well. So there are lots I could probably recommend again. I'll read anything at any day you have please send them my way, but those are my recommends today.

Aderonke Bademosi Wilson (30:08.272)
 Thank you for sharing. Ebony, is there anything else? Do you have any final thoughts or comments you want to share?

Ebony Fray (30:19.53)
 I made it! Yay! Through the first podcast! Any further thoughts? No, I mean, I'm excited by this. I've listened to a couple of the publications that you've put forward and have enjoyed them. Hopefully mine transfers as well or transpires just as well once you play it back.

I think it's good. It's healthy to have conversations. It's healthy to talk about positive stuff. It's healthy to impart what you know to somebody else because there could be someone listening that relates and needed to hear it today. So I appreciate the work that you're doing and I'm thankful. Thanks for the ask and thanks for having me. Thanks for tolerating me.

Aderonke Bademosi Wilson (31:06.192)
 And thank you, you for thank you truly for saying yes. I appreciate you taking time to talk with me today. And here are some appreciation nuggets that I'm taking from our conversation. You said.

And I love this quote and I say it even if it's just to myself every so often, and the greatest of these is love. I really, really love everything that that embodies. You also said, everyone smiles in the same language.

And another thought that you shared is...

Aderonke Bademosi Wilson (32:01.082)
 Teach yourself how to fly, you'll land on your feet.

And so Ebony, thank you. Thank you so much for joining me today. I am excited that this is your first of what I'm going to assume will be many, many podcasts, interviews.

Ebony Fray (32:19.156)
 I'll receive that, thank you.

Aderonke Bademosi Wilson (32:22.635)
 And thank you for joining me today on ABWilson's Heart of the Matter, a podcast that uses overwhelmingly positive questions to uncover incredible stories and wisdom of people you may know. Ebony Fray, thank you so much for joining me.