Chemo Curls and Uncomfortable Conversations

The emotional landscape after cancer treatment catches many survivors off guard. What most people don't anticipate is how something as seemingly benign as a comment about growing hair can trigger a cascade of complex feelings. 

My experience walking down that cancer center hallway—gray, curly hair growing back after chemo, feeling like a stranger in my own body—revealed just how unprepared I was for the emotional aftermath of treatment. When that nurse called out "your hair looks great" and responded to my ambivalence with "just be glad you have hair," I was thrust into a whirlwind of shame, anger, and confusion. Why did I feel so sensitive? Why couldn't I just be grateful?

Through therapy and reflection, I discovered what many cancer survivors eventually learn: healing involves giving yourself permission to feel everything. The anger at what cancer took from you. The sadness over changes to your appearance. The frustration when others expect you to maintain a perpetually grateful attitude. These feelings exist alongside moments of joy, relief, and genuine gratitude—and all are valid parts of the recovery journey.

For anyone supporting someone through or after cancer, remember that asking "how are you feeling?" creates more meaningful connection than commenting on appearance. And for fellow survivors navigating this complicated terrain: your feelings are valid, your journey is your own, and you're doing remarkably well navigating a path few truly understand until they've walked it themselves. The real healing begins when we acknowledge the full spectrum of our emotions without judgment.

Chapters

• 1:01 Sensitivity During Cancer Treatment
• 1:48 The Hair Growing Back Experience
• 3:00 The Hallway Incident
• 4:30 Learning to Feel All Emotions
• 5:22 Lessons on Commenting Appropriately
• 7:50 Permission to Feel After Cancer

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:31

I thought I had pretty thick skin before cancer, but during treatment I became super sensitive to even the slightest comment that seemed to be rude or insensitive. If you've been through cancer, let me know if you felt the same way. Imagine being at a cancer center. You've finished radiation treatment but are headed back for your monthly checkup. Your hair is growing in and it looks so weird. It's a different color, it's curly, the texture is gross. You thought you'd be happy to have hair again, but you still want to keep wearing a head covering because when you look in the mirror it's like you're looking at an alien being, not yourself. Can you relate to this?

Speaker 1: 1:18

So I'm walking down the hallway at the cancer center. My hair is completely gray, it's curly, it's short, it's gross and I hate it. I look like I'm 82 years old, not 42. And when your hair starts growing in after chemotherapy, everyone thinks they need to comment on it. Nobody means to be insensitive or rude, but it's just an easy thing to comment or compliment. People say, hey, your hair looks great. Or wow, was your hair gray before chemo? Or has your hair always been curly? Or, my personal favorite, wow, your perm looks nice Perm. Are you serious? My hair is coming in curly because every part of my body, including my hair follicles, was damaged during chemo.

Speaker 1: 2:13

Imagine being surrounded by your medical team and other cancer patients in a place where you've received such good care and felt such kindness and compassion, but also being in a really angry place that you didn't quite but also being in a really angry place that you don't quite understand, because no one talks about this part of life after cancer. So I'm at the cancer center, I'm walking down the hallway following the lab tech to step on the dreaded scale to check my weight, when, all of a sudden, a nurse who wasn't ever one of my chemo nurses and when, all of a sudden, a nurse who wasn't ever one of my chemo nurses and when, all of a sudden, a nurse who wasn't ever one of my chemo nurses and I got really close to my chemo nurses, I felt like we really bonded every single morning. Anyway, this nurse, who I don't know very well, yells down the hallway your hair looks great, thanks. I don't really like it. I yell back Just be glad you have hair. She replies Instantly.

Speaker 1: 3:22

I feel like I'm an asshole, because this conversation happened in front of people who didn't have any hair. I felt ungrateful and I felt ashamed. When I left my appointment, my emotions were all over the place. I had been talking to my therapist about feeling my emotions and not suppressing my emotions, and that conversation brought up a lot of emotions. But I was trying to do what my therapist had taught me to do. She said that when you're feeling sad, feel sad. When you're feeling angry, let yourself be angry. When you're happy, feel happy. When you're thankful, be thankful. So I thought I am angry that cancer invaded my body, that it stole my health, my strength, my lean, athletic body and my long, blonde, beautiful hair. I don't need to have anyone else telling me how I should feel or embarrassing me for feeling how I feel. I felt annoyed, I felt angry and I felt confused. Here's what I learned from this experience and maybe it will help you if you've ever been going through something similar.

Speaker 1: 4:42

First, it's never okay to comment on how someone looks. We don't know how they are feeling about how they look. It's much better to say how are you, how are you feeling? I'm so excited that you're here. What's been going on? Hey, want to go for a walk, want to go to lunch and catch up. If I genuinely want to comment on how someone looks, because sometimes I do I try to find something like their outfit or a piece of clothing or jewelry, because if they didn't like it, they obviously wouldn't be wearing it Like wow, I really love your sweater, where did you get it? But, in general, commenting about somebody's hair or but in general, commenting about somebody's hair and body are off limits for me. But, in general, commenting about someone's hair or body are off limits.

Speaker 1: 6:00

Next, if you're in cancer treatment or if you've been through cancer, I give you permission to feel all the feelings. I give you permission to feel happy, to feel angry, to feel sad, to feel frustrated, to feel scared, to feel overwhelmed, to feel stressed out, to feel annoyed and to feel disappointed. But I also give you permission to feel joy and to feel relief and to feel calm and to feel present and to feel relief and to feel calm and to feel present and to feel connected to your new body. Please, please, feel deeply and know that people are going to say things that feel rude and insensitive to you. It's going to happen because we are humans, but you don't have to respond. You can walk away and give yourself permission to feel whatever the hell it is, you can walk away and give yourself permission to feel whatever the hell it is that you're feeling.

Speaker 1: 7:23

Now, when I go back to the cancer center, I don't go out of my way to say hello to that particular nurse. Now, when I go back to the cancer center, I don't go out of my way to say hello to that particular nurse, but if she says hello to me in oncology are quite sensitive with their language. I think that most people who work in oncology are quite sensitive with their language. But until you've been on the cancer side of the fence, you just don't understand. I think that most people who work in oncology are quite sensitive with their language and I imagine it's such a challenging job because you just don't know. You just don't know how that individual patient is feeling until you actually talk to them, until you actually talk to them. Anyway, I'm just here talking about life after cancer because I feel strongly that someone needs to start talking about it and if nobody has told you today, I think you're doing a great job navigating life after cancer.