Alcohol Free For Year: Claire's Journey

In this week's episode I - James, am joined by someone very special - my wife and co-founder of The Midlife Mentors, Claire - as she marks one year alcohol-free. 

We dive into the real, raw, and uplifting story behind her decision to stop drinking, what the journey’s been like, the unexpected challenges, and the powerful benefits she’s discovered along the way. 

So, whether you’re sober-curious, considering cutting back, or just intrigued by what life looks like without alcohol, this is a conversation full of insight, inspiration, and honesty. 

We hope you enjoy listening.

Join our Ibiza Retreat in October: https://themidlifementors.com/retreats/

Transcript

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The Midlife Mentors: Hello, and welcome to another edition of the Midlife. Mentors with me Jane edition edition this time. Why, why, why, why, it's an episode, people, isn't it? It's not an edition. An. Ep. Oh, my goodness! How are we all what we've been up to, Mr. D.

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The Midlife Mentors: I think, since we recorded the last one we had. We had a spate of interviews, didn't we? We just released the excellent one about the serotonin myth. Yeah, we've got some others coming, but I think in the meantime I went paddle boarding around Oxford, didn't I? Yeah. And ended up having to get a tetanus jab?

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The Midlife Mentors: Yes, my friend Jonathan, if you're listening. I did really enjoy my day out, but we we traversed. We went from like Oxford. There was a lot of punts out on the water, you know, but we were paddle boarding around the punts under the Magdalene bridge. It was it was amazing.

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The Midlife Mentors: But then Jonathan found this little culvert to go down shopping, trolleys, chairs, the water kind of dried up. And yeah, I picked up some sort of gash on my leg during that that part of the exhibition, but you know we managed to stop at a riverside pub for Pyms as well. It was very nice. We're going to repeat it definitely before the summer is out.

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The Midlife Mentors: Can you imagine what it was like when he came back home, really, really late? And he was saying that he's gashed his leg, and he needs to go to A and E and get a tetanus jab the next day. Hilarious. But

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The Midlife Mentors: today we are, I think that's about it, on what we've what we've got going on. And today you are interviewing me. I am. So you might remember, listeners, that a while back I interviewed Claire about her alcohol free journey. Well, since then we've hit a bit of a milestone. We

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The Midlife Mentors: I feel like I'm in it with you. No, you have, you have, bless you! Every time I pick up a beer, and you scowl at me. No, I don't. I don't. I don't. I go to pubs with you and everything. So Claire has now gone actually well over a year, alcohol free. So her technically her alcohol free

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The Midlife Mentors: annual anniversary was the end of June, and we went to Ibiza for a few nights to celebrate. I don't have the irony that we went to Ibiza for alcohol free anniversary. Everyone was like, you're going to a party island to to celebrate your alcohol free. And I was like, Yeah, I think it was. We'll probably get into this, but I think it was the relevance of it, and obviously I used to live out there with James, and I used to drink out there

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The Midlife Mentors: and go clubbing and all that kind of stuff. So it was a really perfect place to celebrate being alcohol free. So we thought people would find this interesting right because it's a year is a big achievement to do. It's actually 400 days yesterday. By the way, wow, there we go, 400 days.

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The Midlife Mentors: So I've got a lot of questions. I'm going to quickfire them at you. How does it feel to say one year alcohol free out loud?

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The Midlife Mentors: Well, it's weird, isn't it? Because we were talking about this a little while ago? I mean, it sounds amazing. I think I've just adopted it as who I am now, and it's so part of my everyday existence. I suppose that it doesn't really

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The Midlife Mentors: the fact that I hit one year. Some people said to me, Oh, was it a bit of a anticlimax? It was a bit of a letdown, and you've got a goal to go for, and did you feel a bit flat afterwards.

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The Midlife Mentors: I didn't feel flat at all. Actually, I felt I felt proud, very proud. But it's not really been about. I didn't know this at the time beforehand. But I realized afterwards it really wasn't about hitting a milestone. It's actually about changing my life and my mental health and all that kind of stuff. So yeah, how did it feel amazing when I celebrated with you? Because if you saw on social media.

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The Midlife Mentors: we got up at sunrise. So every the 3 mornings we were there in Ibiza, celebrating this monumentous occasion. We got. We set our alarm to get up and watch the sunrise at 6 o'clock in the morning. So it was incredible to be on a deserted beach.

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The Midlife Mentors: watch the sunrise on that day and then go for a naked swim. Yeah, it was amazing. The naked swim especially was so take us back to the moment when you decided to stop drinking. What? What prompted that change?

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The Midlife Mentors: Well, I've been trying to do alcohol free for about 4 years, so I kept reaching around 100 days, alcohol free, and then I would just fall off the wagon.

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The Midlife Mentors: So I guess part of the the journey to becoming alcohol free on that 30th of June 2020

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The Midlife Mentors: 4

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The Midlife Mentors: was a spiritual journey for me. Really, actually, I wanted to know who I was without alcohol, and I had also

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The Midlife Mentors: come to faith. So going back to church and all that kind of stuff, and

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The Midlife Mentors: it was. It was a bit like a supernatural

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The Midlife Mentors: moment on the 30th of June, where I woke up, and it's something in my head just completely. If I could bottle that pardon the pun, but if I could bottle that absolute, knowing

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The Midlife Mentors: that that was it for me, I would, and I'd be a millionaire. I know I would, but it was. It was kind of a supernatural thing I'd been trying for so so long. And then something just clicked, and the want and the need and the desire to know who I am without alcohol was more than the desire

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The Midlife Mentors: for alcohol.

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The Midlife Mentors: Okay, does that make sense? Makes sense? Does that make sense? Everyone? Yeah, and you've had a lot of support. I'm gonna talk a bit about that. You have a lot of support. But usually like one of the things that's come up as you've got to the year, mark you say. Oh, I'm a year alcohol free is some people have gone. Oh.

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The Midlife Mentors: you know do you have an issue with it? There was there a problem. And, in fact, when we were on the plane to Ibisa we sat with a group of like 2020, something lads that were

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The Midlife Mentors: clearly in full party mood, and then they were like, Oh, you can have a drink, and Claire was like, Oh, no, I'm alcohol free. And one guy was like, Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Yeah, sorry. Sorry in front of you. And then Claire was like, no, no, I haven't got a problem with it. But how have you? How have you found that? That kind of reaction that some people have of like, oh, was that? Was it problematic for you? Well, yeah, so this is really interesting. My mom and dad, my brother, if you're listening to this I don't know.

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The Midlife Mentors: Would you listen to all the episodes, or indeed any of them? But sometimes I know you do. But my brother apparently said to my mom and dad declare, have a problem with alcohol. So when I was about to hit my one year, my brother was like, declare, have, like some secret problem with it that we didn't. We didn't know she was just a high, high, functioning alcoholic

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The Midlife Mentors: and it's really interesting, isn't it, that

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The Midlife Mentors: that people have, that when you, when you give up alcohol, they think that you must have had a problem with it. But what I am starting to realize. And over time, looking back.

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The Midlife Mentors: my concept of what a problem with alcohol is has changed. Did I have a problem with it where I was thinking a bottle of wine a night, and having massive withdrawals. It was really affecting my work and and and everything. You know my life in general. No.

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The Midlife Mentors: but I realize now that anything that

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The Midlife Mentors: has a hold over you and alcohol did, and I'm going to explain why in a minute anything that has a hold over you, I believe.

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The Midlife Mentors: is a problem actually something that feels like you can't give it up very easily. And I'd struggled and struggled for 4 years. So I think for me.

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The Midlife Mentors: That has made me reassess what I think a problem is so

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The Midlife Mentors: I can understand why people say, Oh, does she have a problem. Was it a problem? No, it wasn't I didn't have an addiction as we might think of it, but I would get to the Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, and think, Woohoo! It's the weekend head down to the pub and have some apparel spritzes, and that would drive me, and I would be very excited about that, and I'd get the dopamine hit from it.

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The Midlife Mentors: All, you know. Were all of my social situations really centered around alcohol at the weekend. Yes. Did I feel like it would make a situation or an experience better? Yes. Did I? Yeah. Look forward to that 1st sip of that beer wrappers. Yes, and when I was trying to give up watching James drink. Was that painful? And did it make me really angry? Yes, so so you've got to, I suppose. No, I didn't have a problem

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The Midlife Mentors: and a massive addiction where I needed to go to therapy and all that kind of stuff. But I think anything that's got a hold of over you like that. Personally, this is just my opinion. Anything that has a hold over you like that

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The Midlife Mentors: I don't know. Don't think that's good. Didn't think that was good, and my mental health was suffering the next day with hormones changing her menopause and stuff. The anxiety was real man. It was real, and I just I didn't like myself

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The Midlife Mentors: as much as I knew I could. There was a real enlightening moment which I hit, which was, there is a version of me without alcohol that I want to know that I want to know, and I want to experience, and that desire is more than all of those other things that I just mentioned. Okay, you mentioned there, like

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The Midlife Mentors: that thing of the weekend and the dopamine release, and looking forward to it, and it being challenging when you're seeing me have a drink. What were the biggest challenges in those early days and weeks? And yeah, it was.

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The Midlife Mentors: It was feeling like I was missing out. I felt very emotional. I would swing between feeling quite emotional and then angry. And that's what always made me go back to it after the 100 day stints that I would do, and everything I really felt like I was missing out.

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The Midlife Mentors: And so and so sometimes I would say, and you were really understanding. And I think it's taken. It took James quite a few years really, to to see the version of Claire. That was alcohol free, and see how amazing she was. I hate speaking in the 3rd person, but you know, see how amazing that version of Claire was and could be. And so I think James really started to buy into that, and

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The Midlife Mentors: took you a little while to understand that Claire was that drunk with you was

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The Midlife Mentors: going to go going, going, gone! But actually the benefits of the new version of Claire was far outweighed those things, and I was a much happier version of myself and all those sorts of things, so I think it was less difficult in the early days, this time round, because I felt like James had accepted more, that this was something very positive for me and for our relationship, for our work, for our life together. So that made it easier this time.

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The Midlife Mentors: But and I was yeah. I was less angry. I was much more peaceful this time, because I knew I knew I was doing it. I just knew I was doing it. So

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The Midlife Mentors: I mean. Still, I know you might ask me this question in a minute, but still, you know I see a glass of wine that we went out for dinner with friends the other night. I see a glass of wine. I'm like I really fancy that. But now I have time behind me, and experiences of those situations behind me. I know that they pass.

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The Midlife Mentors: That's the thing, isn't it? Once you've had that over and over again, you know they pass, and you know, the next morning you're going to wake up, and you're going to be damn damn happy that you didn't have a drink. So that's interesting, because I guess when you'd given up alcohol before for long periods. That was my adjustment period, because I kind of lost my drinking, buddy. So I guess when you came to it this time, like I'm doing a year.

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The Midlife Mentors: I already was used to it and could accept it. Yes.

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The Midlife Mentors: whereas I think that you know the 1st time, or maybe the 1st couple of times you did it. I found I struggled with it. Quite a lot. You did, you did. And there's that guilt. Okay, so hear this. If you're if you're thinking about going alcohol free, I hear you, and I see you. There's a guilt and a sense of grief.

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The Midlife Mentors: a sense of grief for that other person. So if you're in a relationship where you're drinking buddies, and you sink a glass of wine a night together, maybe, and at the weekends there is there is a process of grief around that there really is. But if you like to sit on a park bench, a bottle of supermarket brandy every weekend. That's what James and I used to do doubting it passes by.

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The Midlife Mentors: But like, I really want to speak to that, because there is a sense of guilt and worry that it's going to really impact negatively impact your relationship with your partner. If you go alcohol free, and there will be a lot of communication that you will probably need to do with your partner around that. But what I would say is honestly, this comes across so powerfully. This is your life.

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The Midlife Mentors: this is your health, this is your mental health, your sleep, your everything, your beautiful existence.

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The Midlife Mentors: And so there has to be a point where you put that as a priority, where you put that 1st and not other people, and what they think and feel about you, because once you step into that version of yourself, I guarantee that they will start to reap the benefits of that new version of yourself. If they're a kind, good person, they will start seeing that eventually. And it took James like he just said a few years and a few runs

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The Midlife Mentors: at it to realize that the version of me without alcohol is actually a lot more fun.

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The Midlife Mentors: a lot more grounded, a lot kinder, a lot more relaxed, a lot more peaceful than the one he was experiencing when I was drinking.

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The Midlife Mentors: and I guess one of the ways giving up alcohol impacts people is on their social situations, can maybe just talk to how that changed for you and how you navigated it.

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The Midlife Mentors: Yeah, it's weird, isn't it? Because, I actually feel like I was a relationship drinker more than anything like with you. It would be

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The Midlife Mentors: the points because we work together and live together. It was one of those things that I suppose we marked as okay. This is where the boundary between our working relationship ends and our loving partnership relationship begins when we had those 1st drinks together. So I think that was much more

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The Midlife Mentors: difficult for me than going out with friends and socializing, because actually, here's the thing. I don't really go out late at night with groups of people that's not actually, it's never been my style. I'd rather go for coffee with someone during the afternoon with friends, and go and do something in the day, and I've always been like that. But you know, like networking things that I went to, or

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The Midlife Mentors: or in environments where you've taken me along to parties, or whatever I don't. I haven't felt the need to drink at those anytime. Actually, no, I don't like. When we went to the cocktail party

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The Midlife Mentors: About 2 months ago, everyone was drinking cocktails. There was a cocktail maker there, and there was not one part of me that thought. Oh, I wish I was drinking nice nice cocktails, because he made me a decent cocktail that was alcohol free. And I like the version of myself. Actually, when I'm not drinking in a social situation, in a social situation, when I'm drinking. I can get very pissed very quickly.

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The Midlife Mentors: and then become very tired, and I don't think my chats is good. I mean, my chat might not be very good, anyway. Some might say that. Not you, not you. Chat's amazing, especially the more I drink.

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The Midlife Mentors: That's

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The Midlife Mentors: amazing. I find you much more interesting. The more I drink. There are times you've referenced that already when you, when you found it tough. So what could you fall back on there? What strategies or habits really helped you when you found that it was tough to stay the course. Yeah, I mean, I did have. And I do have a really wonderful group. I think I've spoken about this on the last one. But I had an amazing

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The Midlife Mentors: alcohol free group on Facebook, who, you know we would. There are meetups fairly often. So it's not just online. You'd go and meet people in person, which is always nice. And those people were really, really supportive. And there was actually a lady in that group that was doing it at the same time as me. So she's the day ahead of me. So that was always quite nice to have like a buddy. And I do think that's really important. People that are cheering you on that are going down the same path and experience

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The Midlife Mentors: all the same emotions and stuff as you are, so that really really helped. But I would honestly say that.

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The Midlife Mentors: you know, with this is really hard for me not to share this. So I'm gonna I'm just gonna have to my relationship now with my Creator. My God! My version of God

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The Midlife Mentors: is is so it's so much deeper. And so I have a lot of safety in that. I have a lot of peace in that.

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The Midlife Mentors: It's like I became quite a new creation back in August last year, when I went away for those 9 days. I know I always talk about this, but those 9 days that I had in Devon, where I had no devices, and I was literally it was me and God it was. I was called there to go and and seek

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The Midlife Mentors: and hopefully find. And that's exactly what happened. And it was a life changing situation for me, I mean, honestly, I feel like my entire DNA was resequenced, and I don't think it was a coincidence that that happened in August. I'd gone alcohol free at the end of June, so I was only a month in, and I feel like my clarity of mind without the alcohol allowed me to connect spiritually

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The Midlife Mentors: a lot deeper. So anytime that I've had those moments now in the last year, where it might have been a bit difficult. I have an inner strength.

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The Midlife Mentors: emotional and inner strength, that I didn't have before.

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The Midlife Mentors: I didn't have it before. And I can't not mention that in this podcast I can't not mention that when I talk about being alcohol free because I do feel like. It was a supernatural strength that I had never been able to find or manufacture on my own. It was, I believe, from God that I had this strength and this peace over it. So whenever I found it difficult.

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The Midlife Mentors: I would just, I suppose, look to him, and I would think about what my day

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The Midlife Mentors: my next day, would look like, and how my mental health has improved, and how my spirituality had improved, and I was never going to want to do anything that disrupted, that I never wanted to do anything that was going to give that up. That's really beautiful. Answer. It's a long one. Sorry. No, that kind of my next question was like any positive changes, like improvements, you notice mentally, physically, emotionally. Oh, my goodness! Like everything.

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The Midlife Mentors: everything, everything! I don't go and spiral into anxiety or worry or concern again. I think that has a lot to do with my faith now as well, but I don't spiral into negativity.

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The Midlife Mentors: I

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The Midlife Mentors: I wake up every morning, even if I'm knackered, and I've had a bad night's sleep. Thank you very much, hormones. I feel fresh. There's this sense of feeling fresh and knowing that there's no question that every Saturday and Sunday morning, or every morning you're going to wake up without a hangover there is. There is no second guessing yourself, like I've seen you do this sometimes I hope you don't mind me sharing this. I've seen James do this sometimes where he's second guessing whether he should have like another drink.

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The Midlife Mentors: and whether that might affect his training the next day, or how he might feel about that the next day. I don't have that anymore. So that assurance that absolute, knowing that you don't have that monkey, mind you don't have that chatter going on.

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The Midlife Mentors: It's just what it's not. I know the version of me tomorrow morning is going to be this, and you're anchored in that, and the strength and resilience you start to get, and and the sense of pride, and the sense of self-worth and self-trust, it deepens and deepens and deepens. Over time.

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The Midlife Mentors: So how has it changed? How do you think how you show up day to day in your work, your relationship, your life? I'm much happier. Yeah, I feel well, you tell me I think you're much, much happier, much calmer.

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The Midlife Mentors: much less shouty, anxious.

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The Midlife Mentors: Yeah, I mean, I think I get. I respond to things better in my external world. So my responses to things. I feel more gentle, I feel more loving, I feel more kind. I feel.

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The Midlife Mentors: I still have. It's really weird. There's a funny thing going on for me right now. I'm stepping into new territory, but I don't know what the new territory is so. That kind of knocks my confidence a little bit. But there's a deep, deep, deep seated confidence rooted in

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The Midlife Mentors: something else that I sense every day, and I do think that alcohol is played, or the the lack of alcohol has played a massive, massive part in that. Yeah, I can see that I can see that.

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The Midlife Mentors: What surprised Shouty, you little monkey! Everyone's going to think that I'm a right. I was a right shouty. Oh, yeah. What surprised you most about being alcohol free.

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The Midlife Mentors: how? I shouldn't say this, but how easy it was this time. Wow, yeah. And it wasn't a struggle. Yeah. And that plays a big part. It does people it really, really really does when that desire to know yourself without alcohol.

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The Midlife Mentors: and what what life might be like. And there's a real respect and a love for the preciousness of your life and your relationships and your health. When that starts, it just needs to be one tiny millimeter more than the desire to please other people or experience the dopamine hit or have a great party when that's a tiny, tiny bit higher. That's when the scales completely tip. And then

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The Midlife Mentors: and then for me, it was what surprised me was, it's it was so much easier

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The Midlife Mentors: this time I'd already become on June 30th I'd already become the version of me. That was alcohol free. I'd already stepped into it. I'd already visualized it and stepped into it in my heart.

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The Midlife Mentors: Okay.

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The Midlife Mentors: And how do you think it's affected our relationship? Oh, wasn't expecting you to ask that

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The Midlife Mentors: Oh, well, I absolutely think it's deepened it again. You'll have to. I think everyone will want to know how, because it's not just about me is about you as well. So I think you should share how you feel like it's affected our relationship and impacted our relationship. But for me.

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The Midlife Mentors: as you asked me, I feel that there's it's weird. Actually, I feel like there's less codependency. Yeah, I feel like that that kind of ritual that we used to do and go to the pub. It didn't necessarily make either of us feel that great the next day. And so for me to say, actually, you can go to the pub on your own. You can go off and do those things on your own that was massively healthy. And James does do that.

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The Midlife Mentors: and I go off and bimble around. Do my own thing, go for a walk or go for a swim. So I found other things to do when James is doing that. And I do think it's yeah, I think it's breaking broken that

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The Midlife Mentors: that ritual that wasn't actually that healthy. We weren't getting anywhere with it. We were just sitting there getting pissed.

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The Midlife Mentors: So we weren't really getting anywhere with it in another way. I suppose those moments

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The Midlife Mentors: we thought that we connected more because we both maybe let our guard down our work down. And so there was that that connection between. But I actually look back now, and I think that was probably a fake connection. I think I feel like I'm much more connected, spiritually and emotionally to you now than I ever have been. Great answer. What do you think?

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The Midlife Mentors: Well, I think it's been interesting. I think definitely, it's

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The Midlife Mentors: It's affected my alcohol consumption because I drink far less now. Not again. Not that we were ever drinking a lot. It's kind of like at the weekend we drink. But yeah.

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The Midlife Mentors: it's maybe more independent. I think I will take myself off and out, which is good. I think that we have deepened our connection because we, you know, we don't have those hungover mornings

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The Midlife Mentors: more, I think, on a deeper level. So yeah, I'd agree with what you said. There, yeah, man of many words, man. Well, I'm asking the questions. Here, Claire, this is an interview

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The Midlife Mentors: people want to hear. Let us know, you also probably want to hear right how it affects the partner. Yeah. So I think it's good that you share this stuff, because from relationship to relationship, you know, if if you're both heavy, I mean we're not in a position where we were both heavy drinkers. So, and I imagine in that case it can be quite hard.

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The Midlife Mentors: particularly if if there is that codependency of the drinking as well. If it's like a ritual that you both sit down and drink a bottle of wine together, or more every night. If one of you suddenly stops and withdraws from that.

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The Midlife Mentors: I can imagine that could put a strain on it. Did. It affected us at the beginning, like you said for the 1st few times I was trying that did affect us. And I

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The Midlife Mentors: yeah, I think it's helpful to really speak to that from from the partners, not my side being alcohol free. But how you experience that now I think I felt, because again, because you've done it before, I think I felt secure in myself. It's like, Oh, well, Claire's doing her thing. I'll just do mine, which is, I'll just take down myself down to the pub. How did you feel the 1st time? 1st few times I did it 1st few times I felt difficult because you were my drinking, buddy.

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The Midlife Mentors: and it's something I looked forward to that something we do together, you know we'd like. I'll finish on Friday, or you know, if it's Saturday, and in the afternoon we go, and you know, go to the pub and have a pint, or if it was the summer Spritz in the garden, so

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The Midlife Mentors: the 1st couple of times it was hard, because it was a big adjustment, but then I got used to it. I think I kind of pushed myself a position of going to the pub more on my own initially, so that I would make connections and get used to it. Yeah. Did you feel like you'd lost me a little bit?

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The Midlife Mentors: Hmm, no, I'd lost

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The Midlife Mentors: the part of you that did that activity with me, but not lost you if that makes sense. Yeah. Yeah. And can you see the benefit of it now for? Yeah, yeah, absolutely glad I've done it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I am glad you've done it. I'm glad you've done it, for it was your journey, and you needed to do it, and I can see the massive benefits it's had for you. Yeah, I was interviewing him then. Yeah, were there any myths about going alcohol free that you think you busted along the way?

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The Midlife Mentors: Yeah. But it's boring.

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The Midlife Mentors: Oh, my goodness, my alcohol! Free life is anything but boring. It is way more exciting way, more playful way more hopeful.

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The Midlife Mentors: My alcohol free life is, but I feel the emotions rising. I see everything in a very, very different way, like when I went to Ibiza at the end of April early May, so we've been twice this year very lucky. That was my 1st time on holiday alcohol free, and it was my 1st time in Ibiza alcohol free. So that was end of April beginning of May, and I didn't know how that was going to feel. And the 1st

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The Midlife Mentors: paella we had where you had your beer, and I had my alcohol free beer, which wasn't very nice. There was a real sadness, it was a grief, there was a loss, and one of the things I want to say to you is, every time you do something new you are going to feel like that. Okay, you are going to feel that sense of loss that what I said to my friend is

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The Midlife Mentors: alcohol gives you a false sense of dopamine, of happiness. Right? So when you go to the pub, or you're in an environment that you have memories from

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The Midlife Mentors: that involved alcohol. When you don't have that, you won't get such a high, because we know that it creates that dopamine here, so you won't be as high, and that can make you feel sad, and that can put you off, and that can make you want to have a drink. But the lows aren't as low, either. You're just more even. You're more stable. So people give up when they're not getting the high.

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The Midlife Mentors: But what I want to say to you is, you don't get the down so much, either. It's not. You're just more in the middle, and that once you've grabbed hold of that is so precious and so amazing. And over time it develops and it unfolds. And you can have those experiences that you used to have in a different way. You can be a different version of yourself. You notice different things when you're not tired or hungover.

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The Midlife Mentors: You can get up at 6 o'clock in the morning and watch the sunrise and go, for naked swims without feeling like you're groggy. It's so amazing if you stick with it.

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The Midlife Mentors: and you can go past those that need and that desire for the massive dopamine hit. Because, believe me, you're not going to get it. I want to say right now you won't feel as amazing in those situations as you did with a drink for me. So it's about playing it forward in those situations. Yeah, I mean, now it does. Now, those situations do feel as amazing. But when you're doing it for the 1st time. It's not going to feel as amazing. And that's where most people fall off.

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The Midlife Mentors: So let's talk about other people for a minute. Someone else they're considering going alcohol free, and they're not sure where to start. What would you? What would you advise them from your personal experience, get accountability for? Sure? Read some books. There's some really good. I'll actually put some links to some of the good books in the show notes, because I can't remember them off the top of my head. But there are some really good, I mean, like I.

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The Midlife Mentors: For some people it's really good to understand the science behind the addiction and alcohol. There's something called alcohol explained. That was really good, because I did quite like the geeky science behind it, but understanding that there are physiological reasons that you are addicted to it. This is not that you're weak, you're pathetic. You just can't. You just can't get your your shit together. It's

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The Midlife Mentors: it's it. This is something that affects all of us, and we're in a society where alcohol is is constantly publicized. And it's what's the word I'm looking for. You're constantly given messages. That alcohol when you're down makes it better. When you're up it makes it better. So we see on TV all the time someone's depressed. They have a drink. If there's a party, they have a drink.

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The Midlife Mentors: so it's glamorized. That's kind of the word I was looking for. It's glamorized. And so we've been brought up thinking that it's really it's all okay. And for some people listen. It absolutely is. Some people don't have any negative effects from having the odd drink here and there, and that's fine, but

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The Midlife Mentors: but it it's not. Your fault, is what I'm trying to say. Understanding

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The Midlife Mentors: what's going on for you physiologically and then mentally, is really, really helpful. So get yourself some quick lit books. Get, you know, listen to some podcasts. Get yourself in a really good alcohol, free group. Life beyond booze. There! I'm giving you a shout out there. Life beyond booze is really good. He's a friend that we met in a bigger group.

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The Midlife Mentors: He started because of his amazing experience. He started this other group. So life beyond booze is really good and lots of wonderful people in there. I'm in there, so you'll see me popping up sometimes and having a conversation with your partner or with your friends, saying, This is really important to me. This is why it's important to me, but always playing it forward and writing out a list of what happens when you drink alcohol. This was really good for me

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The Midlife Mentors: writing out a list of what what happens when you do drink alcohol, how you feel about yourself, and then write out the version of you that you want to be without alcohol and keep looking at that every single day. Journaling really helps.

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The Midlife Mentors: So every morning getting up. And I am the person that isn't a drinker, you know, really trying to keep affirming that you are alcohol free. Keep diving into the pros and the cons of the life that you're going into

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The Midlife Mentors: and just avoid, if, honestly, some people just need to avoid social situations and the pub and everything all together. And you know what if that if that's a bit isolating for a while, go and knock yourself out, do it, do it, do it, do it well. This is what leads me to my next question. There's been a rise recently of what they call gray drinking.

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The Midlife Mentors: Yeah. So do you think it has to be an all or nothing? Or is there a space for people to experiment and moderate? No, I wouldn't think so. I don't. I don't think for most people, if you go on to any of the alcohol free groups, and if I don't think this idea of gray drinking, I don't know about it enough, because it doesn't seem to me. It doesn't relate to me, but I know that as soon as I had taken, when I hit those 100 days, as soon as I'd taken my 1st drink. It was game over.

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The Midlife Mentors: It's game over. You're back to drinking

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The Midlife Mentors: like every weekend again. It might be a month or 2 months. It takes you to build up to where you were back to, but every single time. And I'm not someone that had a massive let's inverted commas problem with it, or an addiction with it, and still, within a couple of months I was back. If you want to know yourself without alcohol, which was my desire, then there's no, there's no space for gray drinking. I just I don't. I don't see that for me.

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The Midlife Mentors: Yeah. And and you know, when people I've seen it over and over again. In the last 5 years, 4 or 5 years I've been part of these alcohol free groups online. I've seen it a time and time again people hitting huge milestones like one year, 2 years, 3 years having a drink. And then oh, my goodness! They've skidded back worse than where they were, because they're making up for lost time back worse than where they were in the 1st place.

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The Midlife Mentors: So for me, it just ain't worth it to even entertain

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The Midlife Mentors: moderation. Well, I think you answered my next question, then, which is like, do you see this as a permanent lifestyle shift? Or are you open to the idea of drinking again one day. It's a permanent lifestyle shift right now, because I'm just never. Gonna I'm never willing to give up this version of myself that I am, and that I'm becoming. And I can sense the woman that I'm becoming because I don't have it in my life, and I love that I'm stronger than I've ever been

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The Midlife Mentors: fitter than I've ever been. I would say, yeah, I just. And I do feel I do feel so much healthier than I did mentally as well. So this is a permanent thing for me. Never say never. When I get a little bit older, you know, I might want to have a little

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The Midlife Mentors: apple spritz here and there, as I'm reclining in Spain with wrinkly skin

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The Midlife Mentors: and saggy boobs. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know but the way where we're at in life right now, where we've got lots of potential, lots of opportunities, lots of things that I want to do with my life that are very different to what I've already done. I need this version of myself intact 100%. This Claire needs to be on it, and free minded and strong

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The Midlife Mentors: and courageous, and alcohol bringing alcohol back into the mix. Just doesn't sit right.

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The Midlife Mentors: Good answer is your final question. Now wrap it up. If your past self, just before going alcohol free, we're listening.

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The Midlife Mentors: What would you say to her? Make me emotional again? I'm very emotional these days. Some might say, it's a great interviewer getting my own bad for saying you saying I was shouty

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The Midlife Mentors: What would I say to the version of me beforehand. I would I would be gentle. Actually, I would say, the right time will appear to you.

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The Midlife Mentors: You yeah, don't force it. Don't try so hard.

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The Midlife Mentors: Actually, I think sometimes when the expectations are really really high, it can. It can just make it so so much harder. I would say that there's a life beyond alcohol.

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The Midlife Mentors: and you just have to stay the course. You just have to stay stay through it. And the version of you that's going to come out is going to surprise you.

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The Midlife Mentors: Lovely!

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The Midlife Mentors: Thank you for that cliff. You started staring up into space as I was reply.

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The Midlife Mentors: Thank you for sharing that. I think that people are going to find that really useful to listen to. We know from the last time we did this it generated a lot of comments and questions and people emailing in. So I hope you have found it useful. Listers. Yeah, I would like to say, I'm not unusual. There's nothing special. There's nothing, nothing, nothing special. I haven't got more willpower, because willpower has got nothing to do with it genuinely. It's not that I'm more special. I've got more willpower or anything. I think I was just ready to expect.

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The Midlife Mentors: It was exactly what I've said loads of times.

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The Midlife Mentors: It was me wanting to know life without it, and see and see if I liked it. Actually see if I liked it. That was the version of me. I was like, yeah, I'm going to do it. I'm going to do a year, and if I don't like it, then I can always go back to it. But it's a year of my life

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The Midlife Mentors: like, what's that in the grand scheme of things? A year of my life where I might have to avoid social situations, I might have to do things a little bit differently, but it's only a year, so give it a go and see what happens. And obviously now I wouldn't turn back and change it.

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The Midlife Mentors: Thank you for sharing your experiences there. Your wisdom. It's been an honor to be part of your journey so far.

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The Midlife Mentors: Thank you all. Thank you. Listeners for listening. In hope you found that useful guys. Yeah. As always, send send your questions to team at the midlife. Mentors like share. Tell people all about this podcast and we will see you next week. And I'm here if you need me. By the way, so just message me, Claire at the midlifementors.com. You can email me directly if you would like to, with any questions or anything you're struggling with specifically around this area because I'm here for you all right. Lots of love.