Building HER with Katja Lillian

Mastering This Skill Is A SUPER POWER!

• Katja Thacker

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In this episode, I discuss the following: 

  • The Simon Sinek interview that changed my mindset
  • How asking for help builds trust
  • Questions to raise the awareness on your story
  • Limiting Beliefs exercise
  • Why asking for help is actually a strength

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Simon Sinek Interview


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Customer Testimonials

Hello and welcome to this week's episode. Of the building, her podcast. I'm your host Katia, Lillian. And if you've been loving this podcast, go ahead and rate the podcast five. Five stars and DM me on Instagram when you do that, because I want to connect. And I want to personally thank you. If you are new here, hit that subscribe. Subscribe button. It really helps the podcast grow and that way. You will never. Hey, my name is Katya Lillian, and I am obsessed with all things mindset, personal development, and helping you build the best version of yourself. I'm a women's life and mindset coach and an entrepreneur who started a fun hobby of posting hashtag sweaty selfies, grew a successful side hustle, and now I run a six figure coaching business. I teach you the secret of building a life that aligns with your deepest values and one that you wake up excited for. This podcast is designed to expand your mind and channel. Challenge the status quo. So get ready to uplevel your life and let's start building her. All right. Welcome. Welcome. Welcome to this week's episode, asking for help is. Is your superpower. So before I dive into it, I guess I should give you some. More context. Of why I decided to devote. An episode to the subject. I was watching a YouTube video and yes, I will. We'll link it below. But it was Trevor Noah. Interviewing Simon Sineck and if you're not familiar with assign. Simon. He has several books. He studies leadership. He has a book. Start with your, why? And. He's just a very, very like philosophical thought leader. Of our generation and I just love, love, love everything about him. But he's getting interviewed by Trevor and Trevor. I shared a story about how he had recently gone to Japan. he brought all his friends with him, like 16 or so. And I guess what they do around like a dinner table. Is they ask everyone the question, the same question. Of what are you struggling with? And he. He finds that such a powerful exercise within his friend group, because you. Normally it could be surface level conversation or. You know, you're, you're poking fun at each other or you're laughing, cracking jokes. Jokes, right. Everyone is having a fun time and everyone. Seemingly seems okay. But when you asked. This question. It's like everyone is struggling with something. And you find out through their response and then Trevor. Trevor. Got a little. Hmm. Disturbed or annoyed or shocked of like, Like, why didn't you tell me you were struggling with this depending. On, of course the severity of what they're struggling with. And usually. Usually the response that he finds is most common. They. They say, well, I didn't want to burden you. Am. And that one response, that one statement he thought. Was crazy and outlandish because he does not have an issue. Telling people, what he's struggling with within his friend group. And so Simon chimed in and he was like, well, that is a miss. Conception, but, but it's very common. That. We feel like when we ask for help. We are burdening. Someone with that request with that ass. Ask. And he said a statement that I felt was so profound. And he said we don't build trust by offering help. We actually build trust by asking for it. I'll say that. Again, We don't build trust by offering help. We build trust by asking for it. It. And I feel like that's so backwards for a lot of us, right. Because I feel like I offer help a lot. Like. My friends, my family, or I actually think of. The recent. Hurricane. Milton was the last one that we had experienced. And of October last year. But. But. Everyone's like, oh yeah, let me know what I can do. Or let me know if you need help or, you know, we're so. So generous with offering our help. But it's like, What about the people that actually really need help? Are they asking for it? Even if someone says, yeah, let me know. No. It's like, yeah. Okay. I will. But we don't actually ask. Ask for it. You see what I mean? And so a reframe. The frame that Simon offered was it's, it's actually an. An honor. To help someone when they ask. For it, when they open up to you when, when they're vulnerable and they say like, Could you help me with that? Because what happens is that. We all want to help, right? Like Insta. Instantly we're like, oh my gosh. Yes, absolutely. Because. We've been there before. And anytime. Someone is struggling, you know how lonely it is, you know, how scary. It is, you know how isolating it is. And so the minute someone asks. You for help? You're like, oh my gosh, of course, like just from a, a human. Human. Like automatic response that that's just. Just usually what we go to. In a business sense, which. I will touch on a little bit more towards the end of this episode. But let's say you're looking for a mentor. The mentor was. Wants to teach you wants to help you. I can't speak for those that. Like to gatekeep and whatever, you know, their ego. It was getting in the way. But typically people. People who have figured something out, absolutely want to pay it forward. And absolutely want to help you. But again, it's like, do you have the. Courage to actually ask for help. Right. So I just found that conversation. Fascinating. Again, I will link it in the show notes below. And it made me just reflect. Reflect on my personal life and my own friendships. And. The dynamic it's like, yeah. Are we actually being. Aloud about the help that we need. And do we have. The courage. To ask for help. And if we don't. Why is that? So that's what I want to dig into a little bit. Sit here today. So again, as I talk, maybe just reflect on your own. Own friendships and relationships and, and try to see, like, do I typically isolate. Isolate myself when I struggle or do I have. No problem asking for help. So. To dig into this and we're going to go back in the past a little bit. But let's say as you were growing up. You got messages. That. Taught you reaching out for help was. Cause unacceptable. Or it would cause. Cause more pain. Or you need to stay private. But maybe people don't need to know or shouldn't know. Your business. If that's your upbringing. And that's what you've been taught. And that's. That's what you've experienced, then it makes sense. That you. Typically go at things alone whenever possible. You just try to figure it out yourself. You don't ask for help. You don't. Send a text. You don't. You don't call. Family. Family members loved ones. You're just like, I'll figure it out. I. Got this. And so through. Through the actions of your parents, older siblings. Flings. It could be other students. It could be. Teachers. Right. Like you model this behavior. if that is what is shown to you. Because. At such a prime age. I mean, I know we build our subconscious from. Year zero to seven, but just think of your formative years, right? All through school. You. If you are around all of that, and those are your examples. Then yeah, not asking for help or asking for help is. Is unacceptable. But think on the other hand, Hand, if you had family members that did ask. I asked for help and had community and had network that came together. Together and people didn't know when you were struggling and they came to help you. Well, Then of course. Asking for help is acceptable. For you. So everything is always coming back. Back to your upbringing. And how you. We're nurtured into society and belief systems. That were passed down. To you. And as you grow. And as you evolve and as you experience things on. Your own, let's say now you're in high school. Maybe. You leave home, you go to college, maybe you get your first job. If you already have this belief that asking for help. Is unacceptable and should be avoided at all costs. Then. Life experiences really just reinforce. That. That notion. It just deepens. And further proves your existing belief system. System, especially if you're not really aware that it's your belief system, right? It. Just seems normal. To you. However. If on the other side you were raised with. No, you can ask for help and please speak up when you're struggling and. You don't have to do this whole thing called life alone. Then also. Also your experiences throughout life reinforce that. Right. Help is available. And it. It is consistent and it is predictable and it is. Is safe. And it is okay. But if you didn't, it's like, well, then there's some pain. Pain attached to it. Right. Especially if. Maybe you did ask for help once and it went. Unheard. Or it went unanswered. Or there was no solution. So. So in those cases yeah, probably feels better and less. Yes. Rejection to just simply stop. Asking for help. Then to ask and. Get. No response or don't even get a supportive. Of response. So you. Really need to reflect on your upbringing. But then also. If you can't, you know, remember certain situations, it's more of like, Well, who's my dad. Does my dad asked for help. Or does he always go at it alone? Does he have like network and community of people that he can call up and. You know, shit hits the fan. He has someone. Or my mom ha. Does my mom have that? Or does she feel like she needs. To do it all alone. Like study them. And maybe even older siblings as well. And. And then try to understand, okay. Maybe, you know, what did I learn? From them, what have I adopted from them? And maybe subconscious. Consciously. Right. Do I go at things alone? A lot? Is it a pride thing? Is it an ego thing? Does it make me feel uncomfortable to pick up the phone and ask someone. For help and be vulnerable. About my struggles. That's what you need to consider and that's what you need. Too. Process because. All. Although these experiences, and again, whoever your loved. Loved ones are and how they are. Absolutely. These are formative. Experiences and therefore a belief system is created. but it doesn't mean you have to stay. There and live with them forever. Like, oh, well this is it. This is me. Right. We, we know that's called a fixed mindset. But over here on the building, her podcast. We live with a growth mindset. So start to challenge these. Thought pressies. Start to poke holes. And point out the gaps. Of what you. You. Usually do. You should consider the fact that you don't. I don't need to keep. Super imposing. These past events onto the present. It's never too late. Late to learn, to ask for help and reframe. The frame it. As a sign of strength. And that's what I have reframed it as, because back in. The day. Yeah, I had that chip on my shoulder. Shoulder. And I was like, Nope. I can do it all. Very still. The stubborn. With that mindset. I did. And not view it as a sign of strength. I actually viewed asking for help as a. Sign of weakness. Where did I pick that up? Along the way I have. No idea. But I realized that there was a habit and. A pattern coming up. In my life when I first started. My side hustle. Right. Right. So interesting. When you first start a business, all of your. Limiting beliefs, all of your insecurities come up to the surface. It's. A lot of fun. And so I realize. Wow. This feels really hard. Why does it feel so hard? Hard. And so to, to shift over. Into. Asking for help is actually a sign of strength. I want to offer you here. Three questions. To raise the awareness. Let's bring it up to the surface for you. To see and understand. What's going. Going on with my belief system. That is preventing me. Me of seeing it. As a strength. So the first question. While you were growing. Up. What kind of messages did you get about asking for help? So again, Dad mom's. Mom's sister, brother, aunt, uncle grandparent. Fronts. Who in your close network and community? Unity. What were they saying about it? What kind of messages did. You receive. As an example, this is different subject, but. Money. Right. If your dad always talked about like penny, Pinching or money doesn't grow on trees or whatever. Right. Those types of phrases down. If anything comes up. Up for you like that with asking for help. That's what we're talking about here. And. Again, if you're driving or walking. You can always come back to this episode. And do this exercise. Question number two, did your family. Place more value on doing it yourself. Or letting others in. That's a really powerful question, because again, if it is. Is doing it yourself. If that one holds more value. then that would explain why it's hard. For you to ask for help. But on the flip side. Side. If they place more value on letting others in. Then you have no problem asking for help. So that question alone should bring a lot of clarity. The third question, when you did attempt to reach out in childhood. How did the people in your life respond? So think like, Hey, I have a question I need help. Help on. I don't know this homework assignment. And if your dad responds, we'll figure it out. You got this? Maybe you have a. A hard time asking for help. Because there's a certain pain attach. Tached to. That question because of your past experience. Variance. Right now we all try to avoid pain. Payne. We always run towards pleasure. So these. Few questions can shed a lot of light on to whether you go. Through life, you know, self-reliant, I would say overly self. Self-reliant or you feel comfortable turning to others for. For guidance, feedback, support. Or comfort. One more exercise I want to go through and then I want to switch. Switch here over to more of how. You know, the. The business side of this and how it can help you. So a few questions to think through in terms of limiting. beliefs. So first we're heightening the awareness. To understand, where does this come from? Where do the belief systems. Originate from. And now it's like, okay, we're aware. Of them. And so we need to start poking holes. We need to start. Challenging so that we can shift them. And to much more empowered. Powering beliefs, right? That's support. Asking for help is. Is actually. A strength. So think about what you wrote or, or what came to. To mind. And you have to think, does this belief empower? Power me. And support. Where I'm going. And what I'm trying to build. Okay. Okay. So for example, the first limiting belief that. I had asking for help is weak. So the first. First challenge is a question. Where did that come from? Why do I believe asking for help is weak. Week. And when you do this, it's so wild. Wild, because usually the answer. Is it came from. From someone in your life. Whether they believed it or they said. Set it or. I don't know, a movie scene. It's always, usually rooted in people. And that's so, so powerful to recognize because. With limiting beliefs in general, by the way. Typically. 90% are from a pin. Opinions. They are never fact. So to break that down, asking for help is weak. Week. That is not a fact. That wasn't written. In some book that we all just praise and. Believe, and that is absolute. Like the sky is blue. Blue and the grass is green. Right. It's all an opinion. Someone, some. Somewhere at some time. Believed asking for help. Is weak. And it was passed down onto you. But if it's just an opinion. Here's the cool thing. Do we want to continue? You agreeing. With that opinion. Or. Or because it's just an opinion. Do we choose. To disagree. With that opinion, we agree and disagree. Agree with the opinions all day long. So, this is just another. Other example of that. So asking for help. Is weak. Instead of saying that. I'm saying, asking for help is strength. Or asking for help is brave. That's my new opinion. Because I chose to disagree with the first one. So now my opinion is that it's brave. It's courageous. Jus. And then to deepen that belief system, because. Because sometimes when we do this, we might feel like we lie to ourselves because we. I don't fully believe it yet. You have to support it with evidence. So it's like, okay. Asking for help is brave asking. And for help is courageous asking for help is strength. Why? Why might that be true? I view vulnerability as strength. So if someone has it. Acts. It's like they have it all figured out and they don't have problems. And. And they don't have struggles and they don't have insecurities and worries and fears and doubts. I. I know they're lying. I know they're covering shit up. Because. We're all human and we all experienced the same emotions. Actions and we all have struggles. We all have battles that no one knows about. And so if you're not vulnerable, I just know you're keeping it a secret. I just know, you're not asking for help. But if you're vulnerable, I feel like that does so much.'cause now. Someone can trust you because they. Have relate-ability they feel more connected to you? It also just makes you more real, more human, like. Like. Because you don't have it all figured out. And we all. No, we don't have it all figured out. But it also gives permission for others to also be vulnerable. What can deepen. Evidence is also key experiences or key people. That you have met in your life or have in your life still? Currently. And they asked for help. How has that courageous within them? How do we. We see them in a different light in the most positive way. So really, really powerful reframe. And I remember when I did this too, I realize. Ally's, I don't have to do it all by myself. Right. I realize asking for help is also just a way to speed. Speed up time. In terms of building a business. I mean, I. If. If I go back and rewind. I tried. So. So hard to do it by myself for years. And this was when I was more. On the influencer side and building my brand and. Working with a brand partnership so much more. Of that direction and that lane. And I tried for. Two years, three years, and I have fun. Don't get me wrong. I. I love the experience, but it wasn't really moving the needle forward. Forward in a business sense in a financial sense. And so. So it took years to figure out what I don't like. And what I don't want to do and what doesn't work before I file. I finally hired my first life coach. And so when. When I hired my first life coach. She just sped up time. Time for me because I come to the call. I have limitations. I have insecurity. Cities, whatever it may be. And she squashes them. Or she challenges them or she makes me think about my own limiting. Limiting beliefs. And so I get to go through them. Much more quickly because that person, that coach is. Is like. It's like a mirror to me. So I realized once I. I first hired my coach. I was like, okay, this speeds up time. Got it. There's also an analogy that. I love, I'm sure I've talked about it before, but the crawl. Walk and drive, or you could do the walk, run and drive, whatever. But when you try to do things yourself yeah. Yeah, you're going at a slower pace because you don't know everything. And. So you could be walking to your goal. You'll make it, but you're walking. Versus someone else who chose to get help. Okay. Now they're running. And then hiring a coach or whoever. Depending on what you're doing, you could drive. To your goal. And so when I made that connection of, oh, We're just speeding up time here. Like defer. Different woman. Let's invest. And so as you change this asking for. For help and reframing it. I mean, maybe this is the year. I mean, we're still early enough, right? It's. It's February. Or almost February. But it's like, okay, well, do I want to, do I need help? Help in some areas of my life. Maybe, maybe this is where you. Invest and you do get a coach or, or you get. A therapist and you practice that vulnerability and just being open and. Honest, are you a mom and you need help. So you hire a nanny. Nanny or, or at least a babysitter once or twice. Nice a week. If you had new year's resolution. Aleutians rooted in weight loss and building. Strength and really taking care of your health. Also. So with nutrition. But it's end of January and you're. Like damn, it's been a month and nothing really seems. To be helping are working. And if I'm being honest with myself, I haven't really. Been doing much and I haven't really stuck with my goals and yeah. I'm finding excuses and it's like, okay, well then let's hire someone. Someone are we going to hire a nutritionist and we're going to follow a plan. Are we going to hire. Higher a personal trainer where we're going to go to the gym and meet them. Are we like, what is it? Let let's get someone. To help us. If you're a business owner. Owner and you're doing it all yourself and you're stressed the fuck out. So, all right. Do I need to delegate some of these projects? Do I need to hire a graphic designer? Do I need to. I get someone off of Fiverr or. Upwork. Or they can write my blog posts or help. Help me with my social media. Do I need a VA. VA a virtual assistant where they can help just offload. Some of my day-to-day tasks. You have to. To start thinking it from it, from that perspective, because the. More you grow and the more you learn. You can't do. All by yourself at a certain level. You'll you'll, you'll hit a glass ceiling. Ceiling and you'll be like, oh, I can't do this all. So. Make. Make a decision. Get help. I understand that help is a strength. And saves time. Time. And his courageous and brave. And if you don't fully believe that. Go back to my. The exercise journal through those questions I gave you go through the limiting. Beliefs. With the challenges and poking the holes. I think that's a really good starting. Point for you. I'm also really excited if you are. Are a business owner out there. Or a coach. And early aspiring coach. And you feel like you have been doing it alone for. For a long time and now's the year where you're like, okay, I'm ready to get some help. I'm offering my business mastermind here in the. Beginning of March she E oh. Doors are not. Not open yet. Doors will open later in March, but you can join. The waitlist right now, click on the link in the show notes below. You'll. You'll find it super, super easy. You'll get an email confirmation. And then that way I also have your name. I'll add it to the list. And. And you'll be the first to know when doors are open. But it's a four month. Month business mastermind it's designed to do exactly what I just. Talked about here is you get help. Show up every week. With your questions with your hurdles, with your mental roadblocks, whatever. It is. And let's move past them quickly. So that you can keep moving the needle in your business. So. So that is what I got for you this week. If anything. About this episode resonated with you. Please do me a favor and. Take a screenshot of this podcast and post on your stories and tag me. At Katia dot Lillian, I would love, love, love to connect. With you. So thank you in advance and I appreciate you until next time.