Building HER with Katja Lillian
Do you want to build the best version of yourself and therefore life? If so, you’ve come to the right podcast! Tune in every week for inspiring conversations and unfiltered stories that will leave you feeling empowered and excited so that you can build a life that aligns with your deepest values and one you wake up excited for. Your host, life coach and entrepreneur, Katja Lillian, will draw on her years of self-education, her experience building a business, & lessons from her mentors to deliver helpful advice, actionable steps, and next-level mindset hacks. Are you ready? Let’s go start Building HER!
Building HER with Katja Lillian
Dancing with Her Demons: A Story of Healing, Growth & Transformation w/ Samreen Khan
In today's episode, I am joined by Samreen Khan, one of my 1:1 clients that I have worked with for 2 years now...
Samreen was born in Doha, Qatar and majored in Economics and received her Master's in Economic Development at the University of Glasgow. She currently works at Georgetown University in Qatar. She is an introvert quietly disrupting the world through her writing, loves reading books, painting and is busy building her.
We discuss the following:
- When we met online & how the IG Gods connected us
- Her darkest days & what pulled her through
- What dancing with her demons felt like
- Navigating societal and cultural pressures
- How she talks to her inner critic
and so much more!
Connect with Samreen here:
Today on the podcast, I have a very special client of mine. I have been working with her for about two years now. I think. That's so cool to say. Two years. And what's even cooler is that she is across the globe. She actually lives in Doha, Qatar, and the gods of Instagram put us together and connected us.'cause she saw a reel of mine. She engaged somehow. I think it was a like, and then I started a DM conversation and that led to a consultation call, which led to us working together now for two years. So I wanted her to come onto the podcast today because her story is just incredible. The version of Submarine that I knew when we first started, to the version that she is today. Is just unrecognizable and the way she speaks and the way she goes about life now with so much peace and ease and confidence. I was like, I need to get you on the podcast so more women can hear about your story, your transformation, where you started, where you are at now. I just think it's so cool. I could go on and on, which I do in terms of my own personal transformation, but what is possible for other women, and so for her, I. To speak from experience and now share this journey.'cause she's literally in it right now. I thought that might be so much more powerful for you all tuning in to get some other perspective and from a woman that's not a coach, right? She's not there to sell you anything. She's just truly living this experience right now. So I wanted to share it with you all, and I really, really hope that you get something from this interview. So Sam and I talk about her darkest days and this concept that she always refers to as she needed to dance with her demons. We talk about how emotions would come up and she would be almost afraid of them, and now she sees that emotions are not demons, emotions are messengers. She talks about how the inner world had to change before her outer world changes. And we talk about at length what key changes are actually going on in her outer world as a reflection of this change and shift in her inner world. And then we talk about societal standards. We also talk about different cultures and the pressures that are put on in, on women mainly. The marriage conversation. You need to find a man, but also your looks, whether it comes from skin tone or how much weight you're carrying or what size you should be. All of those pressures we dive into, and then how she also feels like. Now at this stage that although she's healed, there's still those days where she doesn't feel her best. And so how does she navigate that? How does she navigate her inner critic? How does she talk to her inner critic? How does she reframe, how does she control her second thought? And so much more. So let's get to the episode. Hey, my name is Kati Lillian, and I am obsessed with all things mindset, personal development, and helping you build the best version of yourself. I'm a women's life and mindset coach and an entrepreneur who started a fun hobby of posting hashtag sweaty selfies, grew a successful side hustle, and now I run a six figure coaching business. I teach you the secret of building a life that aligns with your deepest values and one that you wake up excited for. This podcast is designed to expand your mind and. Challenge the status quo. So get ready to uplevel your life and let's start building her.
Audio Only - All Participants:Reen Kahan, welcome to the building her podcast. I am so, so excited that you're here. Hi, Katya. Yeah, I'm here. My very first time. You might notice I am a bit nervous so please bear with me. But yeah, I'm very excited to be here, nervous and excited, but with you. Yep. It's an absolute honor for me to be on your podcast, especially with you because we've had a journey together. So thank you for giving me the opportunity to be on your podcast. You're welcome, and it is my absolute pleasure as well. And thank you just for being honest right off the bat by mentioning you're nervous. There's a lot of people that listen to this, mainly female, where they also try new things and say yes to opportunities that they might not feel ready for, but they do it anyways, right? You feel the nerves and you do it anyways. So I just think it's very brave of you and courageous, so props to you. Before I dive into my questions, I wanted to just have you give a little introduction for people that don't know you, just cliff notes. Obviously we could go down a long journey here, but just a, a brief little introduction of who you are, where do you live, what do you do, and then we'll dive into the interview. Oh boy. You've asked an economist to introduce herself. Okay. So, economists like don't like to, well, they do like to complicate things, but let's just put it in bullet points. I'm Samin Khan born in Doha, Qatar two Pakistani parents. So I am a Pakistani citizen living in Qatar. I did my primary, my secondary education from here, and then I went to university. I majored in economics. My master's is in economic development from University of Glasgow. And not right now in Qatar. I am working in Georgetown University, Qatar which is a member of Qatar Foundation here as the economic support Manager, which basically is where I support all the undergraduate students in terms of learning economics, both core and upper core courses. So that in brief is me. Yes. Beautifully done. I love it. Okay, so I think it's so cool in terms of how we actually met. So for everyone listening love it or hate it. Instagram. Okay. Does Wonders because I find it so fascinating. I live here in St. Petersburg, Florida, and I post reels and stories all day, every day. And one day Samine is scrolling and she comes across Katya's reel. I don't remember which one it was. But you engage. I think you liked or you commented or you did something where I get a notification and then I reached out to you, I dmd you and we had a beautiful conversation. You opened up, we talked about some stuff, and then I invited you onto a call and I really want to highlight that story because the Instagram gods put me in your universe and you and my universe, right? It connected us together from across the globe. And look at where we're sitting here today. I believe it's. Two years now, something like that. It's been years, two years where we've been working together. So I would just love to, to hear from your side where you were at in life when you did come across that reel, and then just how did it feel on like the client side, right? Having the, this girl you don't know, DM you on Instagram, ask for a call. Like what was that experience like? So, the time when I engaged with you over Instagram, you know, whether you like Instagram or hate Instagram, it's a love, love-hate relationship with it. I was in a very, very dark place at that point in my life. And so while I was scrolling, I, and by the way, I think it, it's, it's important to note that when I engaged your reel that I engaged with was that you had a beautiful water scenery and there were some few codes that you had written down. And I had answered you know, to one of the questions that you had asked on that code because there was a code that had hit me very deeply at that point in time. So I was in Pakistan and I engaged with that reel of yours. And then I had zero expectations of you responding to me.'cause I was like, yeah, it's just another reel. I've just commented on it, you know, nothing's gonna happen. And it was really divine timing, I believe, because you DMed me. And my response was what she dmd me. And it kind of took like a few, a few, really a few good minutes because I kept on coming back to my Instagram. I'm like, how is that possible? Like she responding to me because I know how many times I've like commented on reels and everything and nobody responds. But you did. And so I'm like kind of taken aback and then in my mind I'm thinking like, is this for real? Is this person fake? What's going on? What if I, what if I say something and you know, something bad happens or something. So I took that risk. You DMed me and you asked for a consultation call and I'm like, she, the first thing is I'm like, she is in United States of America. She's far. How is she even thinking about this, making it happen? Is there going to be another platform or is she going to come to Doha? Obviously not. So how is this going to work? And yet, I think somewhere deep down, because I was in a very, very dark place in my life I decided to take that leap of faith and I was like, yes, let's, let's, let's go ahead with the call and trust me. When I so when we were interacting over over Instagram and when I was telling you when I was going to return to Doha, because Pakistan at the time, you know, did not have that much of a stability in connection, internet connection, I knew we, we would lose it. So I told you when I was returning to Qatar, by that time, the, the fact that I had returned to Qatar, I was still doubting myself that should I go ahead with the call? And then something inside me said, look, give it a try. You are already at a bad spot in your life anyways. Well, what's, what's the worst that's going to happen? Okay, so, hey, she doesn't loses anything. I don't lose anything. Give it a shot. Right? And if it doesn't, works out you, you know, respectfully, you thank her for giving you, giving you the time and just let her know obviously that consultation call then became a two year journey unexpectedly, which I never, you know, in my dreams I never expected. But that consultation call really was the game changer. I think that moment where I interacted with your real, you taking that initiative of re replying to me and just asking me, you didn't even like ask me anything. You just asked me why was it that that quote hit you? And then I think I, I said something to you and you then responded, and we, we had a conversation, a very brief conversation. You said, let's have a consultation call, and that's where my, actually, that's where my story begins. Or really, that's where our story begins. I find it so fascinating because there's so many people that listen to this podcast where they're also early and aspiring coaches, right? They also would love to start their own business, and maybe some of them have started with one client here, one client there. But I would say the number one thing that comes up in terms of like fear or cringe or ickiness is. Being the one taking initiative, being the one being proactive and reaching out to people on Instagram because there is a chance that we get rejected. I had no idea who Samine was. I had no idea where you were. I had no idea if you were real or not. So the same thoughts were going through my head, but I also had to take a risk. I, I have no idea. And so I just hope people listening to that story. You can understand that it felt so right for Reen on her side because she mentioned it was divine timing because she was already in a very, very dark place. If someone doesn't want help, if someone doesn't need coaching or doesn't even know what a coach is, they just won't respond and you'll just keep going about your day. Like you, you don't lose anything. But if there is alignment, if there is divine timing, what a beautiful relationship that that can start and, and become born out of that or initial reaction. So just to add to that, Katya, I think when it comes to taking initiative, it's just not the inspiring coaches. It's just not the new coaches. I think it's every woman. No matter where in the world you are, it's every woman has that fear of taking initiative. Why? Because there is that fear of rejection. Totally. And that comes from a rightful place. I would never deny that. That does not come from a rightful, it does comes from a place because somehow your experiences tell you that, you know, if you do this, you did this once and then this happened. But there is a difference, I think, in the way you take that initiative that makes the difference. So for example, you, you, when you dmd me, you didn't directly tell me, oh, I'm a coach and I can do consulting calls and I can help you up. No, you asked me very genuinely that what part of that reel hit very closest to you and why. And that was the very first time someone had asked me over Instagram that what part of the reel or what code within that reel touched me and why did it touch me? So it wasn't about you anyway. It was you trying to understand what you had written in that reel or what you had shared in that reel. How did that end up impacting your, your maybe prospective client or, you know, impacting your, your audience? Because you just came up on my Instagram scroll. I was just scrolling when you came up, when that reel came up. And I think it was that, that authenticity in you generally asking me that made the difference for me.'cause it was like, oh, she's asking me why it mattered to me. And even when we were you know, having a conversation on, on Instagram, it was, I don't remember at any point in time when you said, oh, I can help you out and this is where you are. And no, it was never, it was always you trying to understand me. Yeah. And then I remember I. At the very end when you said, you know, would you be open to, it's not even that you said, oh, let's have a consultation call. I remember pretty well you said, would you be open for a, for a consultation call ri mm-hmm. You gave that, you gave that power to me that, am I open to it, right? Yeah. And that gives, what you are doing is you are giving that space to the person who you don't know who is somewhere around the globe. You're giving them the space, the permission to think and then to answer answer on their experience on what they want. So when I responded to you and I said yes, my thinking was I am already in a bad place. So what, what, what, what's the worst that I could lose? Yeah. And so let me give this a shot. It's, she not, she has nothing to lose. I have nothing to lose. Yeah. But it's that authenticity that came out that I think if you are authentic in reaching out to people and you really understand that every woman is going through something in their lives where they need help, where they don't have guidance, they want somebody to listen, to, understand, and then have a bit of a guidance. You know, you, like me and you, we ended up having a two year beautiful relationship. Mm-hmm. Just, just based on that. So to all the aspiring coaches, to new coaches, to every woman taking the initiative, but being a, the key that you will succeed is authenticity. Love that no matter whether you're a coach, no matter you're an entrepreneur, no matter what, you are an influence, whichever part of the world you're in. Just being authentic. Mm-hmm. And genuinely reaching out to someone turns the world around. I love that. At least that's what I figured. Yeah. No, that's a really good point, and thank you for bringing that up. You made me think of something that I read in a book. If you're a client of mine, you know, I always talk about the prosperous coach, but in that book, they always talk about never wanting to reach out to someone, start a conversation by the lens of closing the sale. Right? And, and like getting the deal in very like a business transaction, any type of encounter, you should look at it as the start of a new relationship. And I love that lens because I think that is also then from me, a very genuine, authentic type of energy that I have. And then you feel it on the receiving end as well, because I'm not, again, just looking for the sale, but it's like curiosity of who is submarine. This could develop and grow into such a beautiful relationship in which it has, which I'm very, very proud to say that it's been two years. To, to switch gears here a little bit, and you mentioned at the very beginning, because you were in a very, very dark place, very, you were able to take the risk, respond to my dm'cause you're like, I have nothing else to lose. Do you mind going into that a little bit and sharing with the listeners, where were you at? When you say dark place, what does that mean to you? Where were you at? So, just to give a bit of a background to your audience, so the culture and I think it's pretty much a universal culture that I think pretty much all the women face is that when I say I was in a dark place, I, when I did my master's the search for a prospective partner began, so basically an arranged marriage, which already had brought a lot of a lot of shock because I was never exposed to that kind of you know, processing and screening where, you know, the woman would look the, you know, the woman of the. The woman who has the sun would look you from up to down and would comment on your education, would comment on your weight, or would even comment on the color of your skin. I wasn't used to that. Okay. I, I was purely academic, very career oriented, and then all of a sudden thrust into this situation, which I was not ready for after my master's. So that brought its own shock, and that was the first time when I started having issues and questions about my self worth. That, oh, she's a bit, oh, she's fat. Oh, she's too educated, she's too independent. You know, she, she's got a vitus skin because the fair skin is the one that is highly preferred compared to my vitus skin. And so that was happening. And then I have a younger brother. Who got married first? So who basically in a culture like mine, it's always the daughters who get married first. But in my case, what happened was my younger brother got married before me. And so while my younger brother was getting married there were relatives and there were cousins of mine who, and there were other people who behind the scenes were saying a lot of things to me. And that in itself became a very, very big emotional rollercoaster because here I am, a girl who's highly educated a girl who's comes from a very well good family, has been raised very good has a strong character, has strong values, family values, and yet she is the one who is unable to find a suitable partner. Oh, and just for, for, just for clarification, by the way, I was raised in a way that dating was looked down upon. So I've never dated like I have, even if the times were evolving around me, I never went down that route. So obviously that, you know, oh, here's a girl who's never dated, is highly educated with master's in economic development, is working in a university and oh you know, we, we can't find a suitable groom for her now in that process, I wouldn't lie to your, I wouldn't lie to you at all. When the prospective proposals came, I saw something which told me that this is, this is not right. So, yes, I did reject a few, but majority of the times I got rejected. So that became a very big emotional rollercoaster. And then as time passed, I'm still single as time's passed and being unable to find somebody suitable for me up till now, it, I think that whole marriage thing just overtook my life. And what happened was, when I'm telling you I'm in a dark place, what happened was I was, because all my friends were getting married, everybody was getting married. My cousins, by the way, are all married now. All Hamal la they're all married. They, they're having their kids. And yet here is me in the entire family was not married. And so you feel that pressure and then you talk and then people talk. Here's the beautiful thing about our society. People talk. They have to give you this, em, this sympathy, not empathy, sympathy. Oh, you, your age. And you know, we pray to allow that you find someone suitable for you. Oh, you know, don't worry. If it is written, it'll come. And it's all so pretentious and you can see it that inside their hearts, they're so happy that you are in this pain. And yet they don't understand how this pain is becoming. It's becoming an into, like, you are starting to question your existence basically. And what happened was all that energy that was penting up, that was an emotional rollercoaster for me, right? And what happened was I took that into my work. So I was overworking. I took that energy into my work. I was overworking, I got burned out in the process. And I had no emotional guidance. I had no one who could tell me, wait, hold on, stop. Take a break. This is, and so what happened on it became such a vicious cycle that at the end of the day, no matter how much I was achieving in my career, no matter that I didn't even fall off the, the, the good, good, the goody goody bandwagon I was still not good enough. And by the time that I had en engaged with your real, I was already contemplating that. Why am I on earth if I cannot be accepted by anyone? You know, my skin, my education, my weight, everything is, is going against me. So what's the point of me existing? Like, why am I even here on earth then if there is no man who can love me for who I am? And that's where your dm, which is why I call it a divine timing because I was in the darkest place of my life where I just didn't even understood the purpose of my own life. And your DM and your real came up on my scroll while I was scrolling. I engaged with it. And from there it was like, I think it was like God's way of saying, hold up. You know what? No, no, no. You are going, you are. That's not the place that I created for you. Let me now send someone to take you out from that place. Wow. I love that so much. Thank you for sharing, and I just hope your story is powerful and resonates with someone listening to this who might be going through the same thing or might be feeling the same way, because when you do feel very alone in your struggle, it can be very isolating as well. And then to your point, the questioning and the thoughts, why am I here feeling lost and confused? Trust that there is a reason behind it, and that it's just a matter of time before God. Whatever you subscribe to, throws a little, little wisdom, like a little sign in your life of like, Nope, here you go. This is the thing, a little breadcrumb, as we call it. Before on one of our calls, during your struggle, you had mentioned that I had to dance with my demons. So knowing of my struggles and how I saw myself, and you just mentioned my size and my skin color and everything that societal expectations put on you and these beliefs and the system, but you personally had to dance with your demons. What does that mean? And what came up for you when you did dance with your demons? So, when we began our journey if you remember Katia I used, there were times where I was erupting like a volcano in front of you, right? And you would then very gently, very, you know, nicely, you would very kindly pose me a question in order to open the layers that where a certain belief or a certain idea was coming from. And so when I said, when I told you in one of your calls that I had to dance with my demons, it was basically in that process that when I started layering off the petals, and when I started de layering to see where that idea was coming from, why is it that emotionally I react to certain, to certain situations very badly. I was emotionally very reactive, extremely emotionally reactive, but I had to understand where that was coming from. And so while I was working with you and while we were, we were having, my healing journey began where I had to go down in that darkest pit and face that particular demon, that demon was my emotion, and that demon was my feeling. And you know, it's, it's funny how and I was just thinking about it yesterday, you know how. Or is it that we call our emotions and our feelings demons. When they're not demons. They are actually there and they have been there protecting me. But because I wasn't listening to them, I wasn't acknowledging them, I wasn't allowing them to express in full what it was that that had triggered them and that they, they could not stand for. I started viewing them as my demons. So when I went down there in the, in the darkest, when my healing process began, and I started with your questions and I started really digging deep and deep and deep, and this is where I faced them, it emerged that all that anger, all that resentment, all that frustration was. Coming because I wasn't listening to them. And so what I had to do was to, rather than emotionally react with that, I was like, okay, I'm here and I'm ready to listen. Throw at me. Where did I, what was it that has caused you to become like this? Because from my imagination, I was there basically facing a monster, right? A, a very furious monster standing in front of me, literally screaming at me and saying, oh, I'm resentful because of this. I am angry at you because of this, because you never addressed this. And it turns out that as soon as that monster started speaking up, that monster started shrinking. Shrinking. And inside what I saw was a little girl, which was me, who was screaming and saying, this is not you. This is me. And you have not. You have not acknowledged the authentic you. So, and that was not a very good place, by the way, because I, I, I, when I danced with, with my demon or with the monster, I cried at times. I screamed. I had to I literally had to acknowledge that yes, there were times where I was at fault and where I didn't acknowledge my feelings, where I allowed others and I suppressed my own thoughts. I suppressed my own expression, which was not the good way to go. And it was very, very painful because for days, I would just sit and think, why did I do that to myself? So it required kindness, it required compassion. But once I embraced what that feeling had to say, and I, and I practically, I wrote everything down. That came in those sessions, because in those sessions, I would just sit and write and then I would say, you know what? Duly noted. And I would burn off that piece of paper or the journal. I would just burn it off. And then I say, okay, now what's the way forward? And it now turns out that my emotions now like to dance with me. So now the situation has turned around. You know, I, I no longer call them my demons at all because like I said, you know, when you suppress and when you are trying to fulfill societal expectations, your expectations and everybody else expectations, but not listening to yourself or who you really are and not, not expressing who you truly are there's a monster that starts to build up in you. And it is only a matter of time that either it bursts out, open in the worst way, or you are very lucky if there is a coach standing behind you saying, face it, I'm right behind you. So with me, I was very lucky because you were right behind me. So every time something would happen and I would cry out and I would reach out to you over Instagram and you would say, it's fine. It's okay. Hey, breathe. I'm right here. Spill it out. And so that helped me in dancing with those demons and now not viewing them as demons anymore. It's just that now they were my emotions pent up emotions. Yeah. And now my emotions, it's a turnaround because now my emotions stands with me. Mm-hmm. Ah, there's a, there's a switch now, which love, I like it that my emotions, because now I'm, I'm in a place where I acknowledge them. I listen to them and I literally, and I think people will you know, usually people laugh that, oh, you're talking to yourself. No, I, to me that is very, you know, to me it's like a therapy that when I listen to myself and I say, you know what, dearly noted, what's the way forward now? Yeah. And for me that at that moment, it just changes the game. That's so beautiful. I love everything you said. I have a few things to say because as you were talking, so much came up for me because a lot of what you shared was also my own journey, especially with my body image. So you mentioned your skin color, you mentioned your weight. It was the same thing for me in terms of my height and not really fitting in with the other girls when I was. Raised, I, I think you remember, I was born in Germany, raised in Saudi Arabia for six years, and so there in Saudi Arabia was a melting pot of different cultures. My best friend was from Pakistan. Her name was Shiza Khan. And Shiza, if you're listening, hi. But, so that's what I was exposed to from a very early age. And so everyone was different and, and it was accepted. It wasn't until I moved here to America, a very small town in California where people didn't realize or or recognize the difference in me. And they didn't know Germany. They didn't know Saudi Arabia. And so I was like the outcast. I was the weird one because I was new. They weren't familiar. A lot of the kids there were born and raised in that small town. And so that's where my. Insecurity started to build up because all I wanted was acceptance, right? And so I had to go through my own journey. So a lot of what you just said resonated with me. I. Your demon sounds like anger, frustration, and resentment at the world, right? At the societal expectations. Because I don't fit the mold, I don't fit in the box. And so therefore what happens to some, well, something must be wrong with her, right? Like that's usually what happens. And so I remember when we talked through your emotions and working through that, I recognize that certain things in your life would trigger you. And I remember telling you when you feel triggered, it actually tells you where you are unhealed. There there's a wound that we have to dig into a little bit and see what is that unhealed emotion so that we can get to the other side of it. So I love this, this word swap, if you will, this reframe. You guys know I'm the queen of reframes over here. Emotions are not demons. Emotions are messengers. Yes. They get to tell you, Hey, something's going on here. Let's look at that and not be afraid of it, and come at it with more of a compassionate curiosity. What is this frustration trying to tell me? What is this sadness trying to tell me? So I just wanted to share that as well, because that came up for me as you were talking. I, i, I feel like I talk about it all the time. I have a whole course devoted to this. It's called The Big Shift, and so I talk about how you need to shift on the inside in order for your outside world to also change. Usually people do it the other way around, right? They're like, oh, I just need to lose the weight. Oh, I just need to marry the guy. Oh, I just need to get the job. Oh, I need to get the promotion. But it's like, no, we need to look inside first and then our world can change. So could you talk to us a little bit about how your outer world, your reality has started to change, how people treat you, how they look at you, your interactions, your relationships, everything. Okay, so here's the thing. You know when we started working on that, if you remember, I used to give you very weird looks. You remember that? I would be like, what? I'm used to it submarine, right? I like, what is this woman talking about? Like inside out, what does she mean? Yeah. And remember you were the one who, who told me, what are you waiting for? I think that there was this one conversation we had and you were like, yeah, but why are you waiting for that moment? Why don't you do it now? And I think the part of it is because I think the culture that we are in, no matter where in the world we are, the, whether you talk about social media, whether you talk about, you know, your TV programs or whether you even talk about at the culture level or at the society level, there is a very universal culture that says if you achieve this, then you can enjoy this. Yes. And this is my, this was what, what my mindset was because it was like, oh, wait till marriage to use this. Mm-hmm. Or, you know, wait till this party to wear this, you know? But life doesn't wait. Life just just happens. And, and life doesn't wait. And before you know it, things happen, right? So before, like for example, before we, we went on our consultation you know, call, I think it was in, in the year previous to that, that I had COVID, right? And I was isolated at home. Now, here's the interesting thing. I ended up, so I, I didn't know I had COVID, I was social distancing everybody, and I was wearing a mask at home thinking it was a sinus. So I ended up saving everyone. But when I went for my test, because my test came out positive, but everybody else at home was negative, that was the moment when I was isolated and I looked at my clothes and I looked at everything of mine in the room, and I'm like, what if I don't even get the next moment to wear all of this? So that was, that was the slightest shift that happened. So when you and I started and you always asked me to look inside. Before even projecting it outside, I didn't understand that until my healing process began, right? Which for us women is not linear. It is not, I don't care what Instagram says. I don't know what other people say. Healing is not linear, and every woman's healing is very different. It looks very different, and it really requires a support of, of your either your girl best friends or your coach to be there as a rock stand by with you while you are healing because you're going to have your ups and you're going to have your downs. With me. What happened was that as I started healing, I started looking at myself in a different light. So the first question I was like, who am I really? So, take out parental expectations, take out siblings expectations, take out societal expectations. So rip everything apart, who is Samine? And I sat down with that question and then I started writing Who actually is Samine? Once I wrote that down and then I was like, okay, so what is stopping you to be that samine? So I, if you remember in one of you know, when, when in our conversations, I always told you that there was this, there's me and then there's another samine that I aspire to be, right? Yeah. And you always told me they are not two people. They are one. You are viewing them as two people. Why? And it was because I had all that soil over me that was not allowing me to grow and to see that I am really that submarine. And so what happened was when I started seeing it. So take an example skincare. I, I'm, I was bad at skincare. Seriously. I think I got lucky. I really, really got lucky that nothing happened to my skin. But man, I did not have a skincare routine at all. And so when, when I know who I was and I was like, oh, but this person takes cares of herself and how well she takes care of her skin, she really does. She listens to her skin. So, and by the way, a, a lack of skincare came because I never saw my mother being consistent with her skincare. So that's where my idea came in. And then I had to break that. So I just recently started a very consistent skincare. Now, what happened with this, i'm the same person that goes to office, has been going to office for a long time, and there's a colleague of mine in finance, she sees me and the first thing she says to me, she looks at me and she's like, woman, what the hell have you done? Like you've aged backwards. And I'm looking at her and I'm like what? Like, no, I think I'm aging forward. I'm not aging backwards like she is like, no, you've done something. So that was, that was one incident. And then the next day there was another colleague of mine who's like, woman, you are glowing. What is going on with you? What products are you using? And I'm like, okay. Like that's interesting. Like that's the second comment. And then one by one, one by one, I started getting more and more of these compliments. And then I started realizing it's because I am now doing the inside work, which is now shaping my reality. So the more I work on myself, the more I know who I am, the more I do things I want to do, the reality around me changes. Like even my male colleagues in one of the recent events I told you about this, right? That he came up, male faculty came up and said, oh, by the, oh, you are definitely glowing. Looks like, you know, it's the effect of, you know, not working with, you know, male faculty. And I literally ended up telling him absolutely because the male faculty suck the energy out of me. And he is like, you know, he's looking at me. He is like, oh my God, come on. You can't say that. But you know, that fun part came, comes in. But when you start to do things from yourself, when you are healing and you really start to work on yourself, the reality really does changes around you. And people do notice. It's this small, even strangers notice, like I I I told you right, that once I was in this event and these two guys had been staring at me and they came to me and they said, oh, by the way, we just want to tell you, you're looking beautiful. And I remember your question was, were they handsome? And I'm, and I told you Katia, what I was thinking in that moment was, do you even belong to my workplace? Do you work here? Because I've never seen you two guys around. You know, I remember. Yeah. But it's just that you have to, it was then that I understood what you meant by work from the inside is that you first have to accept who you really are. You know, who are you really, you know, that version of you that you see whether it is. You know, being skinny or being a healthy weight, or, you know, being a top corporate person. Whatever you see yourself, how do you see yourself, right? Because they are not two persons. And once you start seeing yourself like that, okay, the next questions are, well, what does this person do? So for me, the questions were, okay. So Samine follows her skincare very religiously samine exercises, yes, to lose weight, but not to impress others. At the, the no 28 day summer body, no 14 day detox, no. Doesn't works. No, that's a big no. But she exercises because she wants to feel good about herself. She wants to get that confidence. Yes, she wants to lose weight, but for health reasons. It's not to, not to impress any other woman or any other person out there that re actually loves to write. She loves to paint. And so she sets her time out and that re most importantly, has boundaries. She has boundaries. She does not allow anyone to cross those boundaries. And if someone does, she knows how to put them back into their place. Yeah. So I think in, in, in, in, you know, it's just that if women really do, if we as women start believing in our own greatness, the world turns around. Yeah. Like I, I'm, I can tell you one thing. A woman who believes in her greatness simply says, if you are not bringing value to my life. No problem. Stay far away from me. Like I say it out loud if you're not bringing value to my life or to my work, please stay 500 feet away from me and don't interrupt My greatness. Don't. Mm-hmm. I don't like that chaos. Unnecessary chaos. But two years ago, I would not have been able to say that. Yeah. But now I do. It's because I have done this inner work where I am day by day. You know, gradually, I am very becoming confident that, yeah, this is me. Hello. Mm-hmm. Like, I think the moment when you, when you exactly know who you are, is the day when you can say, world, I have arrived. Yes. Ooh, mic drop. That's so good. I, I am so happy I asked that question because I. Unfortunately in the coaching space, or I would say personal development space, it still is not understood in terms of the work that we do. Or when I say the inner work, that's what it's all about. People are like, what the hell is that? I don't even understand what that is. So it still a new concept, which it's unfortunate, but also I guess fortunate because I'll always have a job, but I think it, it's so important for you and what you just said to highlight the results of the inner work because that's what most people can identify and resonate with because that's what everyone wants. Just so everyone heard it. You have more energy and therefore you're glowing. You probably walk differently. People start to notice, right? You just mentioned those stories from your colleagues. They notice your skin, they notice what you're wearing, the color that you choose, how it highlights and compliments your skin tone. People are treating you differently. They're giving you more compliments. And so all of that just shows me and screams that the self-respect that you have, the love that you have for yourself, demands, respect from others, demands, love from others, and therefore, absolutely, therefore, you're, you're able to be a bit more bold, let's call it, with what you say. And you don't hold back and people look at you like, what? What did you just say? And I know you have some stories about that also. Skincare. You exercise for health and energy, not for validation from other people, and not to lose weight in 28 days. You've also now discovered that you'd love to paint, you love to write, and you're writing more. I know you launched your blog. I know you write and get paid for it now. Hello. So it, it's just like, look at everything that has evolved and blossomed in your life as a result of doing the inner work. Yeah, and like I said that if that, I think one of the things that I think women as women we need to recognize is that I had been trying to do inner work, you know, all these self-development books and everything. Trust me, I'm a book reader. Love reading books. But the thing is, yeah, the thing is that. You really don't understand the, the concept of inner work until you have someone to guide you, right? In my case, I had you to guide me, right? Because you were very gently peeling off the layers and saying, we need to address this. Where is this coming from? What is the core of that belief? What is the, what is the core of that idea? Where did it come from? So you started very gently placing those questions, which I don't think any book is doing that, that they, yes, there are lots of book out there and they will tell you to journal and everything, but sometimes what women really need is to vent out and say everything and take it off their chest and have another person who's listening to them and saying, you know, I've heard this. And I have a question like you used, you do it with me, right? That you are like, well, I have a question. Hold on. Or you would say, okay, hold, stop right there, Samin, we need to reframe. I didn't know how to reframe. I didn't. And I now, anytime I have a situation, I'm trying to reframe it. Now I got that from you. So that part of the inner work, no book can do it for you because like I, books are supplemental, right? So I, I am now only after working with you, now I'm understanding all those books and what they were talking about. But until you have someone who's there with you to understand the turmoil or the trauma or the, or the hurt, you know, every woman in her life has gone through hurt. Every woman. I, I, I will, I will say there is not a single woman on this earth who is not insecure, who has not been body shamed, who has not had a trauma, who has not had some kind of an emotional you know, rollercoaster in their lives. Every woman has faced it. And so what all women need is somebody to just listen to them and then say like, you let's, let's start to peel the layers. What's, what's going on in there with you? And for each and every woman, it's going to, it's going to be a different journey. But that inner work, Kaia really, in my opinion, I think it requires coaches like yourself to be there for women like me and to say, okay, we are hearing you out. Go ahead, explode. You know, erupt whatever it takes. But then also allow us to question. Yeah. And that was the biggest part in me because. Like you and I are hail from different cultures, right? But in, in our journey, there was not a question on the culture itself. There was a question on the idea, where is that idea coming from? Where are you getting that picture from? Oh, whoever told you this? And so when you start to put the dots together and you're like, oh yeah, my, my culture never said this. But yeah, I heard this from my mom, or, or I heard this from other people or from other girls or from Instagram or from other parts you know, of, of, of family. And then you're like, okay, time. Either it's time to get rid of them because they're not serving you. Or you just say, okay, maybe there is some aspect that there was to it. This is where accountability comes in, that you take responsibility that yes, I did entertain it. But now what am I not ready to entertain? Or what am I going to still entertain? Yeah. So I agree. I think it's the inner work, that whole idea of the internet, because Instagram is filled with it. Like I said, love-hate relationship. But I think what we women need to understand is alone. I know, I've been trying to do it inner work. Before I met you, it didn't work. Mm-hmm. Because I just didn't have the guidance. I just didn't have another woman telling me, I'm listening to you. Okay. Let me ask you a few questions. Yeah. You questioned me a lot and at times I was like, why she giving me these hard questions?'cause I hate it. I hated it. I hate, tell me how you really feel, but you know, it, you, you put me into, into those situations so that, again, like I said, so that I can face everything and come out of that vicious circle. And you can do that if you're not being honest. If somebody's not throwing at you hard questions, you can do that. My confidence was always there. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Body-wise, I had issues. I was never comfortable with my body. But now I'm getting to be comfortable with it and I'm saying, yeah, you know, losing weight is a long, is a, is a long life journey. Not in 28 days, you can't achieve anything. No. That, that's all a hoax. But yeah, it's, you know, you, you get, you get into this and you're like, no, it does not. 28 day, 14 day detox. No. Yeah. No lie. I think, don't, I think when you realize that most. Most businesses are always for profit that they will say anything to get you to sign up. For their own pocketbooks. Yeah, it's not for the actual person on the receiving end of losing weight in 28 days. That sounds sexy. That sounds appealing. And so for someone who already feels insecure. In their body, they want to lose weight. They've tried before, it hasn't worked well. Of course that headline is like, Ooh, okay, let me sign up. That's the whole I whole idea. What you just said is so profound, and I really want someone to hopefully replay that when they're listening to this episode. You've read the books and you tried personal development on your own, but it wasn't until you had someone like me, a coach in your corner, pick out certain words that you were using in your language and question you on it. And that's so huge and that's why I do what I do, because when you talk submarine, I hear the words you're using. And for you and for anyone listening. The words, the language that we use is so habitual and, and it's such a pattern that we've been using our whole life that we just feel like it's right. It's our reality right there. There's nothing wrong with it, but when a coach hears a word like, oh, I'm trying to lose weight, or I don't like X, Y, Z, it's like, well, then what does trying mean? Mm-hmm. Or when you say you don't like something, what does that mean? And it requires you to dig a little bit deeper and peel off the layers. You don't realize, oh my gosh, like that's where I've been stuck. That's where I've been getting in my own way. It takes someone to call you out in a lovingly way. Hey, I think there's something here. What's that about? So I'm, I'm just so happy that you said that because I could shout it from the rooftops all day, every day. But people are like, Kaja, you're a coach. Of course you're gonna say that, but you on the client side just said that. Hopefully someone's listening to that and can realize, oh, maybe that's why books are great. But you said they're supplemental. They're not going to fix, they're not going to solve, they're not going to get into those deeper layers that's required. Okay, another question for you, because now I would, I, I always like to say you're on the other side, like in personal development, right? Like you've danced with your demons, you understand their messengers. Now emotions come and go, right? The highs, the lows, they're here to stay. And, and rightfully so. There's nothing wrong with like a low vibe, emotion, however. There is this person that we name the inner critic, right? And I believe yours is named Sarah. So even though you've healed, or even though you're still healing right in, in d different aspects of your life, there's never like this. Perfect picture of I'm healed and I'm perfect. And you know, the world is great. It, it's like, no, I've healed and I've definitely made steps in the right direction. But there's always going to be like new things that happen in life or new people that upset you or break your heart or whatever the case may be. And so we always have to, to find this equilibrium as I call it, this foundation of a neutrality with emotions. And so to get there, we have to also deal with this person named our inner critic. How do you identify with your inner critic and how do you talk to her when she does come up and, and say something to you? So. Oh God. You're like, where do I start? That's such a heavy question. So, one of the things that I, I, by the way, and I, and I want to highlight this, not because I'm, I'm here sitting with you right now, but one of the things I never, ever recognized is that my inner critic, Sarah, is a very, very loud woman. Hmm. And I never recognized her until I started my journey with you. And you were the one who slowly and gradually pointing out, wait a second, but you believe this. So then where did, who told you this? And then I told you, oh, my inner voice told me. And that's when we were like, okay, we need to separate those two voices. In my case, what was happening was that my inner critic, Sarah, whenever I was down, and this was, this was the days, the very beginning days when you and I started our journey. The, the inner Sarah would come up and say, you know what, try your level best. You won't be able to come out of this. Hmm. You know what, actually you are to blame. You never took care of yourself. You are inconsistent. You don't even know who you are. So like, how are you going to turn this around? Or, yeah. You know what? Yeah. Your body is like that because you've never understood your body anyway, so why are you even trying? Let it be, just leave it. This is beyond you. And every time I went about doing something that inner critic would always say, are you sure you wanna do this? Like, come on girl. Like, be honest. Like you think you have the capabilities to do this. You have the abilities to uhuh you don't. What you are doing is you're denying your reality. Listen, I am telling you what the reality is, and. When my healing journey began, which I, like I said, is it's nonlinear. It has its highs, it has its lows and healing definitely does not mean that every day is going to be a positive one. No. You are going to have positive days. You're going to have best days. You are the going to have good days, and then you're going to have slow days. I had a slow week last week or the week prior to that, I had a slow week. And it is in those week. And in those days you learn a lot about yourself. But here's the thing. Your inner critic, my inner critic, Sarah, definitely enters in the small, in the, in those slow days. Like it has to remind me to, it has to remind me to question my, my worth to question what my value to question what I'm bringing on the table, right? And so now what I do it every time like that, Sarah comes back, I'm like, Sarah, I don't have time for your. I, I'm not gonna, you can say it. I can say it. Okay. I don't have time for you. Bullshit, sweetie. Out the door. Out of the door. I don't wanna hear you. I'm trying to work this out. And the last thing I un earth I need, Sarah, is you get out. Then there are times where Sarah tries to creep in and I know because my heart, my heartbeat just goes a little, little faster. I'm like, oh yeah, she's coming. She's coming. And I'm like, stop right there. Get out. Not interested in hearing you out right now. Like really? I'm not in the mood. But now there's a difference. Before I used to listen and I would cry and I would not figure out a way to do it, even if I knew that that was the right way to do it. I would con I was in living in continuous doubt. In continuous fear, in continuous insecurity, in continuous questioning of my abilities of whether I am able to do it or not able to do it, despite the fact that I do have those capabilities and now it's like even if there's a question on my capabilities or the question on whether I will be able to do it or not, I'm like, the last person I need, Sarah, is you get out and I do it. Yeah, I really quick to, to step in there. You, I, I am so happy you actually shared the thoughts. That are coming from Sarah, because I think when we say inner critic and, and we name our inner critic, Sarah, mine is Regina, we, we, people who don't understand the concept, we might have lost them already. Like who is this inner critic? But the fact that you just outlined the thoughts that come from Sarah and now how you even combat those thoughts and talk to Sarah, like not today, no, thank you, is so huge because that's all it is. It, it's basically for those listening and don't know what it is. Any thought that comes up that makes you feel very disempowered, that makes you feel very small, that makes you feel very bad, very insecure. That's your inner critic. And so if you could switch it to a thought,'cause we can't control our first thought, but we can control our second thought. If you can switch it to a thought of empowerment, confidence, compassion, love. A bit softer. A bit more graceful. That's you. So it sounds like for you, when you were battling with your inner demons, let's call it Sarah ran the show, I. Yes. But now you've taken over the, the analogy I love is the driving analogy. So Sarah was driving the car, you were in the passenger seat, but now you're driving the car. I wasn't even in the, and she's the passenger. You were in the truck. I was in the truck. Right behind. I wasn't the, I wasn't even the passenger princess like I was behind. I had a client and the woman wouldn't let go and the woman wouldn't let go because like the woman would scream on, you know, in my head she would scream the loudest and it's like, just listen. And it wouldn't, yeah. But these are the thoughts that would come up that, oh, you know, every time, like if I wanted to buy a dress and you're like, is your body good enough? Like, woman, have you seen your behind? I don't think so. And I would leave that dress. I would leave that dress and come out like, I think there was a time. Where I stopped going to the dressing rooms just to even try a dress, because I would just put it on and the inner critic would go, girl, no, no, no, no, no. Your body is not built for this. Are you crazy? People are gonna make fun of you. Look at you like, are you mad? And I would immediately put it back and I would leave the shop. That's what the thoughts are. Yeah. And, and, and until you, you were like, no, wait a second. Like Reen, you just said this, but then who said this? And I'm like, oh, it's my inner voice. Mm-hmm. That's telling me I can't, you are like, okay, stop right there. I remember we had like a whole, like a series of calls that, where you were like, no, stop right there. Like, mm-hmm. No, this is your inner, because your inner critic will always try to bring you down in order to keep you in that safe space. Yes. That's what I realized, that the inner critic would try their level best to make sure that you remain in your comfort zone. And I think that's true for every woman. Mm-hmm. Everyone, every woman, if they're listening to their inner critic, they want to stay in their comfort zone. They don't wanna come out because if they risk it, they're afraid to lose something. And I think that's, the inner critic plays up on the fear part. That fear within us, which has been instilled in us, either through our experiences or what our parents have told us, or the environment that we are living in, it has been instilled into us. And so the inner critic response to that and make sure that we stay in the comfort zone. But one of the things, and I think this is the beauty of being a woman, is that, let's say that you have a task, right? And you say, okay, so like in my case, I have a task. I just recently had a task in office and my and Sarah came in and I'm like, woman, stop right there. Not in the mood, right? Just, just, just, just stay there and I don't wanna hear your voice, otherwise, you know I'm gonna do something to you. So stay there. And what I did was on my whiteboard, I wrote down all the pros, and then I wrote down all the cons, and then I, and then I stood back. I'm like, okay, if I was a logical person, like which is the way to go right now? And the way emerged without the inner critic telling me that, oh, this idea will not go afloat. Nobody's gonna hear you out. I don't care if nobody's going to hear me out anymore. Now my thing is, these are the pros, these are the cons. I have the facts, I have the data. Okay, let's go with it. If people take my advice, good. If not, then you can deal with the problem yourself and don't bring it on my table. Yeah. But we have that ability. Mm-hmm. But it's just that we don't, we as women. Some of us do know how to do it. Some of us don't know how to do it. And I think once we learn that that inner critic is so easy now, now I'm the driver. And by the way, I don't even allow her to sit at the back of the truck, by the way. She's somewhere tailing around like something I was, I, I don't allow Sarah to sit in the car. I don't, I'm No, you are either tied to a wheel or you're tied in the trunk. You know you're not coming where I don't see you. I don't. I love it. Hear you. Yeah. Sarah has no place in my car. It's like, no, no place. Like I'm the driver. I have everything. You are not. I love how I said that Sarah was driving the car and you were the passenger and you're like, I wasn't even the passenger princess. No, I wasn't. Could you believe that? I wasn't the passenger princess. That's so heartbreaking. Like, you know. You were like the backseat or something, I guess. No, I was in the trunk, woman. I was in the trunk. Now she's in the truck. You're like, bitch, get in the truck. My client said that before, exactly. Like, oh, if I scream there, rain deal with it. If there's a storm deal with it. You know, I was in the, oh my gosh, she didn't even allow me to come inside the car when it was raining. Like, I love it. She, she, she made me go through so much stuff and now I'm like, you now stay back. There you are not out in my trunk anymore. You know, I mean, oh my gosh. Feeling so good. Okay. I know we're at time. I wanna be mindful and respectful. I do have one last question. So you mentioned before how, I mean, you're on this podcast, it's called Building Her. This idea of her is your higher self. And so I told you before, and we've discussed that it's not two separate people, right? We get to collapse the timeline of you getting to show up. As her today, we don't have to wait. There is no timeline. We get to collapse it. And so now that you're on the other side of your, your fears, your limitations, everything that you've worked through, those, those emotions, there's this area where you're in, in terms of reinvention, right? So you had to ask yourself originally who is submarine, but now even more powerful, it's like, well, who does submarine want to become? Mm-hmm. What does she want, how does she want to show up? So on building her, how would you say you are building her, building this version, your, your higher self? How are we showing up here today? And, and how has your, your dreams and this vision for your future even changed from this old version of summary? So, you know, when, when, for me, building her, is that. I started out with who is she really. Mm-hmm. And what she does. But then one of the things that I have and so when you, when when you start showing up exactly what she does, so let's start with the skincare, right? She does her skincare very religiously in the morning, and then at the night there's no skipping allowed. And if there's skipping, that's fine. There are days, like I said, slow days. It's good to give your skin a break, but when she takes care of herself, the energy around her changes, how does that energy change? I think for some women what happens is their skin starts to glow, but for some women what happens is they're looking in there themselves in the mirror and they're dancing, and that changes the whole tone. For me, what I've noticed is it's just not my skin, it's my body posture. Mm-hmm. I walk more slowly. By the way, I'm a fast walker. If there are woman out there who walk away fast, I'm one of you not like. You know, no, this is true. Like I walk fast. I used to walk very fast, and now all of a sudden it's like my pace has gone down. Now my walk is very deliberate. I walk very slow. I observe my surroundings. Who is walking, who is around me? What is the color of the trees? What is this temperature like? When you dress, and by the way, I haven't done any shopping in the last year or so. I still wear my, you know, my clothes. I have like a rotation of the clothes that I wear. I'm wearing the same clothes, but there's something different about me. It's the way that I'm carrying those clothes that makes a difference. It's the way I'm wearing jewelry, maybe, maybe studs or maybe like, you know, just a minimal jewelry that makes a difference. And what happens is when you are building her use, you. You very slowly, you start to do things without even recognizing that it's her. So for a, a, a quest, so it is just an example, right? I, I like, I like bedrooms that have plants in them, like really minimal bedrooms, like, you know, where minimum stuff. And I, I have this vision of a bedroom that when you go in, you feel at peace. Like that is the moment where every, like, the whole day will just melt because you are in that sanctuary of your own. And I've had that, I've, I've, I've been holding onto that for the longest time. And just recently what I did was, so I have a vision board and so where I have my, you know, dreams and everything, that this is what I want in my life. And it makes me smile, right? Because I look at it every morning and it makes me just smile. I just stare at it and it makes me smile. And what recently I did without even noticing, is that I actually ended up decluttering my entire bedroom. And the minute I did that and I brought, brought a few indoor plans in my space and the energy of my room changed. So just an example, I do not take any technology in my bedroom anymore. The technology, the mobile, everything stays out, laptop, everything stays out. I am the person, I am the girl who used to read books in her bed before sleeping. And with all of this rollercoaster that came in, that went out the window. And so just recently I've started reading my books again and reading a book again in my bed. I didn't realize this until, until two days ago when I looked at my vision board and there's a picture of a bedroom that has plants in it, and I looked at my bedroom. Whoa. I actually have right now, plants in my bedroom. Actually my bedroom looks now far, far bigger. So anybody that comes in there, like, like my mother came in the other day and she's like, was that, is that room really this big? It's because I decluttered and I took out things that were no longer serving me, no longer serving her, and they didn't need to be in, in that space. And I think somewhere along around the line, maybe there's this beauty in minimalism that has just entered without me even knowing. And because that's what my vision board is also showing that there are few things and yet it's. The room is filled with light. Like I open my curtains in the morning and oh my God, the light is like all over the room. And I'm like, whoa, that never has happened before. So when you are building her and when you really start to do things that, that her, does things happen very automatically? You, it, it, one thing is for sure Katia, when you are building her, there's no force. It's not a forceful thing that happens, right? You don't force yourself out of your will or force yourself to do things. They just happen very naturally as if there are a part of you. Mm-hmm. Like I started walking slow without even realizing that I was walking slow until my colleague pointed out to me, what's going on with you? Like, she was like, I don't like that walk. And I'm like, what? Walk? And she's like, you are scaring me. Why are you walking so slow? And. It's the people around you that notice, right? Like my mother noticing that your bedroom was supposed to be this big. Was it that big? And well, turns out the size hasn't changed. It canned. So obviously the energy changed. But you automatic CD start doing things like, for example, with me, one of the things that, and I don't know how it has happened, and I'm so glad it has happened that if I'm buying something, like if I'm feeling hungry and I'm going to like, let's say I want a chocolate or something and, and I just stop now, I'm like, okay, hold on. Do you really want a chocolate? Wouldn't it be better to get an apple or a banana? Like, why are you going towards sugar? But when you can get like a really, you know, is this a sugar thing that you're craving? And so I never used to ask that question. But because I'm building her, that one does ask question that, oh, like, you know, oh, another thing. I think the biggest thing in building her is that she doesn't punishes herself. And so what do I mean by that? We as women you know, when we are on a diet and we are trying to lose weight and we're, we are trying to look our best, we tend to punish ourselves. So if, if they had a cupcake, you will work out extra. And that's literally punishing yourself. Why? Because, oh, I had a cupcake today, so I need to burn it off. And that never works well, I maybe for some women it does. And I hats off to them if it really does for you. It never worked for me. It never worked for me because it was always like I punished myself and I'd never got a good feeling out of it. Now what I've noticed is that when she has dessert, she doesn't, has like these big full bowls of dessert. No. A small dessert. Caters to everything. Like, it feels nice. Like, that day I told you I went out with my friends and I had a chocolate croissant. Yeah. Oh my God. Oh, and it was crisp and the chocolate was just oozing and melting and not like I ate everything. Like, you know, I also shared it, but I enjoyed that crossover. I enjoy desserts now, and it's, it's a very natural thing for me now that I deliberately take, either I take a, like a small dessert or I don't because it's like, is it, is it that I'm thirsty, which is why I'm going towards sugar? Or is it that I'm stressed? I've realized stress triggers me a lot. So if I'm stressed out, if I'm tired, I will tend to go for chocolates and for sodas. And so immediately my mind is like, no, stop. You are, you are tired. Don't go for that. So when you are building her. When you start to take those initial steps, that could be your body care, your skincare maybe exercising, or even let's say that you just start to just one step. You start to sleep early at night and after that, things just automatically happen. That you, you building her is doesn't take force. It just happens so naturally because you are, you were always there. You were her, you are her. But it's just that when the debris of all that societal expectations, parental expectations, that validation that you require, you know, the, the, the requirement to have a validation from a man, you know, about your beauty or about your weight or whatever. When everything is lifted off, you just, the, the real, you just starts to grow. And I'm in that phase where my re I'm growing. And I appreciate my slow days because. I've learned a lot about myself in those slow days. Learned a lot about my slow days. I'm no longer emotionally reactive because I know, okay, I hear my emotions. I quickly come back on that equilibrium that you were talking about. By the way, that's also gonna happen very naturally when you're building hurt. You don't, you are not emotionally reactive anymore. You're very calm. Mm-hmm. Very peaceful and, and I don't know it would resonate with the woman or not. You know what? I've started to like silence Now. I like being silent and like I'm silent and people are talking and I'm like, go on, reveal your colors to me. Reveal them. What are you all about? I, I like it. I'm just sitting there. I'm smiling and people are talking and I'm like, go on. More of that. I need to know who you really are. But you start appreciating silence because silence is no longer a weakness. It becomes a tool, it's a powerful tool that you now know that that is in your favor. You know when silence is going to work and you know when your talk is going to do the work. Mm-hmm. So on your podcast when you know, because I also listen to your podcast, building her, it's not forceful, and I think all those women would agree that, yeah, it doesn't feel forceful anymore. It just happens very, very naturally. Like you come into your routine, you answer back. In my case, I'm answering back people like anything. It's mm-hmm. It's, and so spontaneously, sometimes even I'm taken aback. I'm like, whoa. Did that even come for me? And then I'm, and then, you know, here's the funny thing I always tell myself, nah, that's, that was the coach. And I look around and you're like, no, that was not me. That was you. That was not me. Yeah. You'll take the credit saying the cred. Don't you dare look at me.'cause I never knew you were like this. Mm-hmm. You know? But yeah, build, build, building her, like I said, it's, it, it just beco it. Building her becomes a beauty. You enjoy the process. You, you love yourself more. You you listen to your emotions. It's building her is not a burden. Building her is a pleasure. Building her is a passion. Building her is worth it because you are worth it. I am worth it. It, it's. Building her is the most beautiful thing I think any woman can ever do to themselves. Mm-hmm. Where, you know, if you are in my life and you are adding value to my life, thank you very much. If you can't add value to my life at all, I understand that. Don't interrupt my greatness. Stay away from me. I'm not here for the bullshit. I'm not here for the chaos. I don't have time for that. I have time for candles. I have time for a really nice hot bath with candles and with my skincare. I really have time for reading my books and painting and creating, and gardening and experimenting, but I don't have time for nonsense. I don't, please stay away from me. But I, I can tell you from my experience that right now I'm enjoying building her. And I love building her. So I wake up in the morning with a smile, which I think did not happen in the last, I think in the last nine years. I forgot how to smile. But waking up in the morning and now I wake up in the morning and I smile, and I'm like, okay, so what's up today? You know that mischievousness you know, you get to be feminine on your own terms and you just, you, you, you look at her and you're like, God, I love you. You know, you look at yourself in the mirror and you're like, you, you beautiful. Oh, hey girl. Hey Cody. Hey, how doing, like, oh, you woke up before you gonna kill today? How many people are on the line? You know, you have that conversation and it feels so good. And like, you know, when you're putting up your turnaround, you're like, oh woman, your skin is glowing. Stop. Like you, you know, you're taking care of me. But it, it, it's a very natural process. But again, to build her, it requires one to dance with the demons. Mm-hmm. And you cannot dance with your demons alone. You can't, you need a coach on your side, a rock solid who stands there with you and says. Go on. Face it. I'm standing right here, not going anywhere. Yeah. And I, and I and I, I I would be very honest. I'm, I am blessed. I would say I am blessed that I've had you in this journey of mine. If I hadn't engaged with that reel of yours I don't think that this version that is sitting here today talking to you, it would happen possible. Like I said, it was just divine timing. Mm-hmm. That your reel came up, I engaged with it, and you ended up asking me what touched you most. And I had no idea that God was placing you in my path to say, by the way, this is the person who's going to take you out and make you realize that your existence is worth it. There is a purpose to your existence. And it doesn't depends on you being liked by a man or you being liked by your parents or by your siblings or by anyone. It all I have created you. I love you for who you are, and I have all these beautiful humans who will love you for who they are. So trust this one. So he sent you in my way. He is like, trust this one and then get on with it so that you can get your life back on track. Yeah. That so beautiful. And like I said, now that burden has lifted off my, like I can breathe, you know? Yeah. I breathe every day. I just, first of all, thank you for answering that. I think that was the best answer I've ever received to that question. How are you building her? So thank you. I, I think the, the biggest piece that I got from that is that it gets to be fun. It gets to be in the energy of ease. It gets to be peaceful when you're building her. It's not like this hyper masculine go, go, go, go, go productivity. It's more of like, what do I want today? Mm-hmm. How do I want to feel? Mm-hmm. And then you just. Be that versus this sense of doing, and I think it's really cool, and this is why I wanted you on the podcast today because I remember the version of submarine from our consultation call from the first few calls, maybe even in year one, where you're right, you would come to the call and you would be so emotionally upset or sad or frustrated or angry, and we would work through that. Now, I would say this entire year, starting January. It, it's like, I don't even recognize this version of Submarine anymore because this entire episode and our calls lately, you're so well spoken, and the reason why you're so well spoken is because it's coming from your heart. It's coming without a filter. You're like, this is submarine world. Take it or leave it. I'm gonna be okay with myself. And, and it's just, I, I hear it. I hear the peace, I hear the ease, I hear the confidence. I hear the love. So I just wanna. Share that back with you, because it's just really rewarding for me as your coach to see this transformation, to see the change right here before my eyes. So I'm very honored that you were here on the building her podcast as my guest with everything you shared. I hope that you can come back to the podcast one day and maybe share again what you've learned and how you've upleveled, I don't know, six months, a year from now. But I think it would be really cool to be like, oh yeah, by the way, Katya, I'm doing this and I have this, and I have that dream house, and whatever it is. So again, I, I want to thank you for many things. I want to thank you for taking me on board and becoming my coach, becoming my mentor, and staying there rock solid with me in a very, in a very hard journey of mine. I, I really, really want to thank you from the bottom of my heart. Like I said, I. I could not have done this without you because even though I was reading the books and following internet articles and everything, I know for a fact that that had not, it was not working for me the way when we started our calls and then everything started to fall into place. And I a hundred percent agree with you. It's, it's fun because once you are liberated, I think from every single damn expectation that the world has praises with you, that, oh, you need to be, you need to have a glass skin. Oh, you need to be a size zero. Oh, you need to be like this. Oh, you need to, you know, you need to be of a certain height or you need to look this way. You need to be the alpha female, or you need to be this kind of a female. Like, I think when you, when you just get rid of everything and allow yourself to be who you really are. How you really dream yourself to be and you start taking steps, it does becomes fun. I, you know, like I said with last week with my girls, when I went out, I, that it was supposed to be a two hour meeting that turned out to be a four hour meeting and we had fun and we laughed. And I didn't even notice that when I had entered that particular cafe that everybody was looking at me. I just didn't, I just walked like, like I own the place. Obviously I don't own the place, but like, you know, you walk and it becomes fun. Like, you know, you go that there's a jumping castle and you go in and you jump on that jumping castle. And like, you don't care what your colleagues think about you, but you are the one having fun. And oh my God, it that whole energy radius. Because what happens is there are other young women who are looking at you and thinking, well, if she can do it, why not I, and then all of a sudden they start jumping, they start coming into jumping gas, and you are like, wait a second, this was my time. Why did you girls decided to join in? And they're like, oh, you were doing it. So I decided to do it as well. And you have fun like this, but it just becomes easier. It becomes fun. And most importantly when you learn to love yourself, you become very very com I never understood the words being comfortable with your own skin until today. That I am so comfortable in my own skin that even if somebody was to at oh. By the way, isn't that Beau woman beautiful? And I say, yes, she is. Absolutely. And so is she. And so is that woman. And so is that, and the person is looking at me and thinking like, you know, I said this because of this, but you, you, you know, they don't get that reaction. And it's because you are very confident in yourself. Yeah. You are very comfortable in your own skin where you say, yeah, every woman born is beautiful. It's just the way your lens, your reality and your perceptions are different. And my reality perception is different. And you tend to, and you appreciate that and Absolutely. So all I want to say to women everywhere who are listening to this please, please don't shy or don't hesitate to get a coach. Get a coach. You have no idea the difference that that will make in your lives. It'll help you understand yourself much, much, way better. And once you start building her dance with your demons, your healing is not gonna be linear, but dance with the demons anyway. Especially when the coach is right at the back, dance with the demons. And then when you're ready, the world will know that you have arrived. And then just builder, it's, it's, it's gonna be fun. It's you are gonna have, you're going to have best days, you're going to have good days. Then there are challenging days because obviously people have to test you. Even the universe has to test you, which I don't understand why, but do especially people be ready? People will test you, right? And it can be the other woman, or it can be men, mostly men. But then there are other women who also test you. And then lastly you're going to have slow days. And in those slow days, take it easy on yourself, because somewhere around the world. Somewhere in another part of the corner of the world, there are other women who are also going, who are also going through the same thing, or are also having their slow days. Mm-hmm. So you're not alone, it's just that you don't know where they are in the world. They're not in front of you to tell you, you know what? I'm in my slow week. I'm going through this. But you'll always bounce back and you'll learn a lot more about yourself than anybody would learn about you. So to every woman out there, please get a coach and yeah, like I said, if you can. And yeah, just, just don't do who you are, live like that, you know? Mm-hmm. Don't live on, don't live on other people's expectations. No societal expectations. No parental expectations will get you anywhere in life. You are a beauty on your own. So. So well said. Build her the, build the beauty and let the world know. Aw, you really are. Thank you so much. That was so well said. And I know my listeners, the women listening to this is going to get so much out of this episode. So again, thank you so much for being here. I'm going to leave your Instagram links in the show notes below. Should someone want to connect with you or DM you and say, summary. And I loved your story, it resonated with me, whatever. That's a really good place to connect. So it'll be a pleasure. It will be a pleasure to build a community. It will be a pleasure to be a part of a community and getting to know other women as well. Yeah, yeah. I, I hope so. People, if there, if there's any woman who's at any stage of, you know, her life. Wants to talk about my experience or, you know, wants to even share something, please, you know, do, do, get in touch with me. And just before you, and I just want to say, I, I, if I pronounce her name incorrectly, please correct me. I just want to thank Alicia Pope because she was the one who pointed out that health is a life long journey. Mm-hmm. No, 28 days. No 14 days, woman. Thank you. Thank you. Because you changed my life. Thank you. Mm-hmm. And if you are listening to this podcast Yeah. Can you please develop a beginner series for Pilates? I'm just asking a woman from Qatari YouTube channel, like just a absolute beginners, like Pilates, like kind of a thing. Yeah. That it would be very helpful.'cause like I I, I, I've been trying to do your stuff in. Not flexible like you are, so it would be really great. Or if anybody has any like resources, please do. But no, thank you to her because she. That one sentence changed my whole outlook towards the health. Yeah. So thank you and thank you for making me a part of that. For those of you, for those of you listening who don't know what she's referring to, so, in the big shift I have guest experts. One of them is Alicia Pope, and she came into the community and led an actual workout, a Pilates workout, but then also shared a presentation about how she views health and wellness and food, and a lot of mindset reframes. And that one line resonated with you so much that truly changed your entire life, and it was just a perspective shift. So, Alicia, I'll, I'll send this to her so she can hear it for herself. Okay. I'm gonna let you go. Thank you so much for being here, and until next time. Yep. I'll see you around. Bye everyone.