Circle or Cage? The Truth About Who You Surround Yourself With

In today's episode, I discuss the following:

• What a circle is NOT
• How to know if you're stuck in a cage
• What batteries and vacuums are
• What you NEED to start doing more
• Why you will experience loneliness 

and so much more!

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Transcript

0:00

Hello and welcome to this week's episode of the Building Her podcast. I'm your host, Kati Lillian. If you've been loving this podcast, go ahead and rate the podcast five stars and DM me on Instagram when you do that, because I want to connect and personally thank you. If you are new here, hit that subscribe button. It really helps the podcast grow, and that way you'll never miss an episode. So let's dive in. Hey, my name is Kati Lillian, and I am obsessed with all things mindset, personal development, and helping you build the best version of yourself. I'm a women's life and mindset coach and an entrepreneur who started a fun hobby of posting hashtag sweaty selfies, grew a successful side hustle, and now I run a six figure coaching business. I teach you the secret of building a life that aligns with your deepest values and one that you wake up excited for. This podcast is designed to expand your mind and. Challenge the status quo. So get ready to uplevel your life and let's start building her. What's up you guys? Welcome back to my podcast. It is Thursday night at 9:00 PM here, and we're just now recording. Can I say hashtag mom life? If any of you are listening and you are moms, hopefully you empathize with that and you understand. I don't know what it is, but. The weeks, the months they are just flying by and Okay. I correct that. I know what it is. I have half my day now because of my daughter. So mornings I have. Basically just decided I a stay at home mom, and then after noon or around 1:00 PM I then decide, nope, I'm a business owner and then I work on stuff to. Maintain the business and dare I say, move the needle forward in my business and have my coaching calls with my private clients, with my she EO girlies. I have the third round going on right now, and then I have my alumni group. So there's definitely stuff that I do, but it's all now in the afternoon and I just have not. Gotten a good system down for the podcast, which is kind of crazy because when I first was pregnant. And I was planning for my maternity leave. I can link the episode in the show notes below because I actually talk about how I did it all. So I think that's a really good one for you if you need to also build out your own maternity leave. But I was so on it. I prepared four months worth of podcast episodes, we went into Hyperdrive over here and we're like, this is it. This is all we're gonna do for the next four months. And I got it done and now I'm over here the night before. It's supposed to go live recording my episode. So yo girl needs to figure out a better system. I digress. But that's where I'm at and that's what I'm doing right now. So let's dive into today's episode. I came across this quote two days ago on my feed and. It's from Samantha Dailey who shared this as it was like part of her carousel. I don't know who the original person was with this quote. So I can only reference her as my resource. But the quote says, if you look at the people in your circle and you don't get inspired, you don't have a circle, you have a cage. That one hits deep. Let's say it again. If you look at the people in your circle and you don't get inspired, you don't have a circle, you have a cage. Now, when I read that, something within me stirred like. I don't know if it was anger or frustration, but also like a, oh shit, like fist over your mouth kind of situation. Someone just said that kind of thing, but there was something that just, it hit deep, right? And then I took that same quote and I shared it onto my stories. And the response that I then received to that quote was also like, oh shit, or I never thought about it this way, or you know, I've never heard someone actually say this or reference it this way. And so it just caused so many conversations in the dms where I was like, alright, this actually needs an entire episode on the podcast because. I could go on and on and on about the people that we keep in our world, and if that's a good thing or a bad thing. So now, you know, I'm just gonna dive into it because I've, I share this so many times with clients on social media. I just, I feel like it's word vomit at this point, but again, I've never said it like this. I think one time. I, I think it was Big Sean, and he has a song, I don't even know what the song is, but there's some kind of line in there where he says, people. People are in your corner, but they're not really in your circle. Or he says it the other way. People are in your circle, but they're not really in your corner. I think that's what it was. And I remember hearing that also and I was like, damn. That's pretty good too. And I remember specifically when I heard that lyric and when I, I heard that song from Big Sean. I was actually going through a lot of change with the people in my life, and I remember for a long time I felt very lonely in my personal development journey because. Yeah, people do fall off or relationships change, or you just don't feel like you're understood by anyone. Like the, like the realest, truest, honest version of you is not understood. And I was going through it, and then I heard that song and I was like, okay, big Sean, like you see me, you hear me? And that just gave me some sense of relief because I felt seen in that moment. And now fast forward, I see this quote and I'm like, huh, am I doing that again? Am I actually surrounding myself with people? In my circle that inspire me and want to uplevel me and vice versa, I want to uplevel them or are they holding me back. So it's kind of like a nice little filter process to go through every now and then. I, I don't think it's like a one time thing. I think it's like maybe annual. Right end of the year is coming up when we all talk about our New Year's resolutions, and we always talk about what you want to do and complete and add on, but I think first what you need to do is actually remove, we need to clear out so that it makes more room, more energetic room for. New people, new opportunities, new levels, new goals. So I think we actually need to filter out people as a, let's call it mini detox at the end of the year. But since you're listening to this episode now. We're ending Q3, about to step into Q4. There's only four months left of the year. Do it now and then you'll do it again end of year.'cause I guarantee there could be so much change in the next four months in your life. So we we're gonna do a little people detox, shall we? The way I look at people in my life, so now. I'm reflecting and kind of like looking at my journey. In hindsight. The way I look at people are basically in two buckets, one bucket. And if any of you're listening to this, and you've worked with me before, you're very familiar with this analogy, but one bucket are your batteries. Batteries, I hope is self-explanatory, but they, they basically give you energy, and when I say give you energy after an exchange with them, whether it's a texting conversation, whether it's a phone call, whether it is a FaceTime call, whether it's an actual in-person meet and greet, coffee chat, dinner date, whatever it is, after that exchange with them, you feel heard. You feel supported, you feel seen, you feel energized after the exchange. That interaction gave you energy. Now it's not all of those. You don't have to feel all of them at once at the same time, but little snippets of it, right? Maybe I feel supported after one exchange, and then another one I feel seen, and then another one I feel like, holy shit, I feel unstoppable. So we can kind of mix and match like that, but regardless, there's always something that we get out of it. And I think a lot of people don't feel this way, which makes me really sad because they force themselves to hang out with people because they feel like they should hang out with, let's say it's a coworker. So you work at the same place. They invited you out for drinks. You're like, yeah, I should go. I mean, this is my coworker and I gotta show face. I gotta be cool. So fuck it. I'll go. And then you go, and then you're sitting there the entire time thinking, why the fuck did I go? Why am I here? Because I don't even enjoy the conversation. I feel like I'm pretending. I feel like I have a mask on. I have nothing to include. And an add into this conversation. I am fake laughing the entire time, so why am I here? That's what a lot of people get stuck in and those type of exchanges, this is the second bucket that I put people into, are called vacuums. They suck the energy out of you. They don't light you up. They don't give you ideas. They don't make you feel energized. They actually make you feel depleted. You feel exhausted after an exchange. The exchange again, can be text, FaceTime, whatever, voice note even I've had that happen or in real life. Encounters and you cannot wait to hang up the phone. You cannot wait to go home. You cannot wait to get back in your introverted bubble and hibernate for a little bit. Okay. Now believe me, I'm an ambivert, by the way, so I'm introverted at times, but I can also turn it on and I can be the extrovert. But I have to be in an environment that allows me to be the ex, the extrovert that allows me to really shine, that allows me to be myself and my, my quirky, awkward, laughing hysterically self. If I'm not placed in an environment where I get to thrive and shine, then absolutely I will go back to my shell and be the introvert. So I'm an ambivert if you didn't know that. Anyways, so people are put into two buckets, the batteries and the vacuums. Now, I do believe that we surround ourself more with the vacuums, like I mentioned the coworker example. But also family. A lot of us have family members, whether it's immediate or distant, that again, we feel like we should hang out with or we have to hang out with because they're family. It's like this rule, this label that we marry. And we basically spend time with people that, again, we feel like we should because we have to. I would also say maybe you've known someone for a long time, maybe elementary school, high school, college, and they're still around. You're still in the same hometown or. Whatever the ca, the case, the situation is, and you just feel like you have to maintain a relationship with them because of the history that you have, the years that you have in terms of a friendship, quote unquote, and this entire episode is to basically sell you that that is bullshit and you don't have to do that. There, of course, are different situations and circumstances, so take everything I say every episode I. Publish with a grain of salt, which I hope we all do that with any information. But I think for the most part there are definitely ways that we can reel it back in and spend less time with vacuums. Maybe not zero, like no time because again, context matters and I think sometimes it's harder to do that, but at least if you reduce it, therefore you make more time to hang out with more batteries. The number one way to do that, and I pull purely from my experience and what I have done in the past, again, during my personal development journey, is I just started saying no more to the people that I felt very judged by. So when I really did talk about my interests and what lit me up and. Whatever. I guess specific examples would be when I went to Tony Robbins, which is now 10 years ago, crazy. I came back and I was just on cloud nine and I wanted everyone to know about my experience and anyone who asked me how, how I was, I'd say, oh my God, fucking awesome. I went to Tony Robbins, like it was word vomit at that point and immediately. Almost immediately. I felt very judged. I felt very alone in my experience.'cause even people who did go to Tony Robbins with me, they didn't have the same experience as me, so I couldn't really share it with them. I felt like I was crazy. I felt like people closest to me, actually, they said I drank the Kool-Aid, which is an interesting analogy to use if you know where that phrase comes from. Very, very bad. But anyways, I digress. So yeah, I just remember showing my truest authentic excitement for something and it was rejected basically. And so I felt that with every cell in my body. I felt that. And so it was very clear to me either in that moment I choose to. Take my, or to reduce the volume on my voice, my, my intuition, the whispers of my soul, if you will reduce it, turn down the volume, and just keep going the way I was going, or turn away from the people who I loved so dearly at that time. And allow my truest self to shine, and that obviously was very, very hard. But now, 10 years later, I've gotten really good at that and it has served me tenfold because I have now been able to surround myself with new people that do. Accept the most authentic version of me, and I don't feel like I have to pretend and I can talk about my truest, deepest desires and goals and big dreams and big visions, and they're like, fuck me too, right? So yeah, it was really hard, but I'm so proud of that younger version of myself to choose me basically instead of. Pleasing others and their comfort. So I reduced my time with them. Meaning, Hey Katia, do you wanna go to dinner? Hey Katia, I have this thing. Do you wanna go? Hey Katia, do you wanna grab drinks? Hey, there's this party on Saturday, do you wanna go? And I just, it was very easy for me to say no. No, I do not. I think at that time I was still insecure with just saying no as a full sentence, so I always justified it or explained why or. Gave an excuse whatever I did, but my point is I still got out of it. I still said no and didn't go and didn't show up, and in the beginning that was very lonely because then, I mean, I had no one to hang out with. I basically just said no to everyone. But over time. That did change because here's what I started doing with my free time. I started going to more things and, and events and thing signed up for things that I actually did want to do. And I started meeting new people, so I remember it vividly from LA to Chicago. When I moved there, I was kind of on an island by myself because my tech company was based in Los Angeles, which is where my manager and my team was, and I was a remote employee. Now in Chicago, we had opened an office. Six months after I moved, and then we hired two employees, but we were all still kind of like on our own schedule. We'd pop into the office as we were able to. I was still in account management and sales at the time, so it wasn't really like I had to go every day, all day to this office. And then we closed it down later anyways, so Chicago was like my playground. That's how I refer to it, because I didn't know anyone. No family, no friends, no coworkers. Bert was the only one that came with me. We packed up the car, we road tripped it for four days from LA to Chicago and. It was just like, okay, a brand new start, a fresh chapter, and I got to decide basically who was this new version of Katya, and that's actually where my nickname was born. KJ because I had a blog KJ today, and people just started to know me as KJ in Chicago because first of all, people can't pronounce my name still to this day. And instead of them butchering it over and over again, I would say just say kj.'cause there's a J in my name. And that kind of stuck. There's still some girls who know me from my Chicago days that still call me kj. But that was also like this alter ego that I was stepping into. Who's kj? New City, new identity, new name. Let's have fun. And I would go to events, let's say like fitness events. That was my first way I. Kind of like played and embodied this new identity because I would say yes to a fitness event. And I would go by myself'cause I didn't know anyone. And I would just show up and there would be all these other girls and you know, we'd have this group workout, but then there'd always be like, you know, drinks or mocktails afterwards and swag bags and all these really cool events. And so I just, I would just meet people. I'd be like, hello, I'm Katya. I just moved to Chicago. I'm trying to meet people. You know, like it was kind of very organic for me. But I understand if you're listening to this and you're like, that's fucking hard. Like I can't go anywhere by myself. I bet you you can. You're just outta practice. And just try it with small things like there's so many meetups, there's so many events. There's so many conferences, buy a ticket or pay the five bucks, or lots of them are for free, and you just show up. And even if you feel cringey and weird and uncomfortable, like physically in your body, it doesn't make it wrong. It just makes it new. It is just because your body, your head, your mind, it, it's not familiar with you doing this. And so your brain, its whole job is to keep you quote unquote safe. And safe to your brain is familiar. So if you remind your brain, Hey, this is unfamiliar territory, but we're safe we're not gonna die. We're gonna be okay. We're gonna go, we're gonna meet some new people and we're gonna have a good time. So that's a little. Tidbit for you. Little tip. But yeah, so I'd go to these wellness events and I would meet new people and obviously you don't hit it off with everyone, but 10% of them I did. And then one became my best friend at the time. And then we would go together, two different events. And I remember I would, so I was in sales. As my last role at my tech company, I was in sales and they wanted me to travel all over the Midwest. So I would go from Chicago to Michigan to Ohio and kind of just kind of bop around and meet clients face to face and. Manage the relationship and all that stuff. And so what I would start doing then as well is extend my trips. If there was something that I could find that was much more like wellness, fitness, event related. And one time we went to New York, we had a conference there, and then I found another wellness event, and then it was like on a Saturday and my. Work stuff ended on Thursday, so I extended my trip throughout the weekend, booked myself an Airbnb, and I went to this wellness event. It was like on a Saturday morning, and I got the swag bag and I listened to all the speakers and I met some other people that we connected on Instagram later and. Each time I did that, I just upleveled so much because my consciousness expanded. I was able to meet so many people outside of my little nine to five bubble. Right? Which was my, my job. But. Outside of that, I was literally expanding what I knew to be true. Because if I thought, oh, like I could never be a speaker, I could never start my own brand, or I could never do this, it's just because I wasn't around it. And then when I went to these events, I was around it. I met the. Founder of Schmidt Naturals, the organic and clean deodorant. She was a speaker. I met another woman who wrote a book all about grit and resilience. I met so many women who started their own brands, whether it was food or a clothing line or a wellness product. And it was just so eye-opening for me, because the internet is one thing, but then to meet them in person and have conversations and connect with them, I was like, oh my gosh. That was literally me creating my circle. Okay. And yeah, I just did that year after year after year. And I had so much fun with it. I had so much energy afterwards that it really. Change the way I saw the world and the opportunity, and that is truly why I had so much confidence when I finally left my job and and did this scary quote unquote leap of faith, right? Because it wasn't really blind faith at that point anymore. I saw so many others doing it. And if it's possible for them, remember it's possible for you. And that's truly the feeling that I had at the end of the day. So look at all of the benefits that I had for years to come because younger version of Katya had the bravery, the courage, the audacity to say no to her current circle, which now we know is a current cage. And because I said no more, I was able to say yes to the things that actually lit me up. And I chose to spend time with the people that I did click with, that I did connect with. I mean, that led to, I told you I met my best friend in Chicago. And she was also really into events and wellness. And at the time we were doing Tone it up together, the fitness group, and we started a book club. It was called The K and a Book Club. K and A K and K Book Club. Was it K and k? I, oh my gosh, I don't even remember. I think it was the k and k book club. And we would host meetups once a month at our, I had an apartment complex, so they had a shared area and we would have girls sign up and come with, come for like drinks and snacks. And we would just talk about the book that we read that month. And then we would talk about the next book and the next book. And during that time, that's when I read like. Girl Wash Your Face by Rachel Hollis, and you are a Badass by Jen Ro and all of these personal development books. But instead of reading it alone, I decided to read with a book club. But that book clubs grew and was birthed from me saying yes to all these other opportunities to meet people in real life in Chicago. So you just, it's so cool to see the stepping stones from. What was just a no to a friend or a coworker at the time led to a book club, right? Like you just never know where this stuff can lead. So if you're listening to this and you are thinking of people that you can already identify them as more of a cage for you versus a circle, I highly recommend just starting with say no more. And just look at what happens with that free space in your calendar. What will you say yes to? And what, like what lights you up? Do you wanna go play tennis? Go play tennis? Do you wanna go read a book by a lake or a beach or in the mountains? Go do that. Do you want to say yes to a new opportunity because someone invited you to a retreat or a conference and you're like, I don't know I've never done that, or I've never been. Bitch, go find out. Not every event you go to is gonna be amazing, but at least give your a ch give yourself a chance. Surprise yourself. So yeah, that was long-winded, but that's my recommendation.'cause I feel like that can go so far. I think brief little segue, it can get a little sticky because if you say no to someone that. Might take it personal and they don't just let you, you know, off the hook and they're like, why have you been saying no? To me every time I invite you out, it's been like a month and I haven't seen you. That could happen and yeah, sometimes it does Then take these hard conversations. I mean, if you feel like you want to tell them why. I think it really just depends on the context. Do you really value. Or did you really value the friendship at a certain time and you still have love for them? Then maybe it does require more of a heart to heart conversation. But if it's not really worth your time and you don't really feel like you've ever had a relationship, then I don't think it's worth your time and you can just kind of let the friendship fizzle out. I can't tell you how many people I just started to distance myself from and. It, it just kind of ends up fizzling on both sides because they don't wanna keep putting in the effort. If I just keep saying no, and then obviously with me as well, so. Sometimes it just naturally and organically fizzles out, and that's kind of the best scenario because then you don't have to have an uncomfortable conversation. I would say with family, that gets a little bit tricky because it's family and you have love for your family and you know, that's like a different type of love and that's a different type of relationship. So I'm not really comparing the two, but. I think there is still, and I would say this is true across the board, but we take family time in doses, right? Like I think it's actually really healthy to see family like just for the holidays or I don't know, birthdays or a family vacation trip, but you're not. Spending time with them all day, every day, unless you do and they're your best friends. Oh my gosh, that's amazing. But I do have to say the majority, at least in my experience with the clients that I've worked with and their families and how they've told me, you know, about the dynamics and all that stuff, I've been, I've been doing this for five years. The majority of what I have heard is usually there are tricky relationships within family dynamics and I think it's always going to be a little tricky with family because they have seen so many different versions of you and so many evolutions, and so, I mean, I know this, I, I feel this all the time when I go home. It it's like they know the Katya that was the version before a coach. They know the Katya that had body image insecurities. They know the Katya that hated her height. They know the Katya that wore. Shoe size, two sizes too small because she was embarrassed of her foot size. They know the version of Katya who never wore heels because she didn't wanna be taller than she was. Like they know that version. And so I feel like when I go home, they sometimes treat. As that version or they put me back in that box. And that's where it gets really tricky and could be triggering. And you're like, I've healed this wound. Like we're not trying to rehash this. And, and sometimes people in your family, they just put their shit on your shoulders as well, right? And maybe you don't want that, that you don't want to be. The dumping ground, but maybe they don't do personal development. They don't do personal growth, and so they don't know that they are emotionally dumping on you because they don't have a therapist or they don't have a coach and they don't even believe in any of that stuff. And so guess what? You are the one that they come to and that's a lot for you to handle and carry. So there's so many different nuances and but again, you still have love for them because they're your family, right? And you would do anything for them. So I, at least that's in my case. So yeah, I think it's more of like an arm's length distance type thing. And when you go home, you just kind of have to like mentally prepare. And emotionally prepare for maybe some of the passive aggressive comments that people say, or some of the baggage that is put on you, or some of the wounds that are rehashed and reopened. Like sometimes we do need to kind of brace ourselves for that. And, just know it's just temporary because you go back to your home and your every day, and so you definitely want to make the most of it when you're at home. At least I do. And so I try to be present and appreciate and. Practice gratitude for the time that I do have with my family, but also knowing in the back of my mind that this isn't my home anymore. I have a home now that I've built and created in Florida, and that gives me a lot of peace of mind as well. So with all that to say. There are lots of different dynamics with people. I totally get it. But I think the biggest thing is recognizing how people make you feel and do they inspire you to be better and become more for yourself. And if you do, that's your circle. If you don't. You gotta say no more and say yes to people so that you can build a circle for yourself, which I am proof that is absolutely possible. Or you keep shoulding all over yourself and you keep telling yourself, oh, I should hang out with this person, or I should go to this event, or, yeah, I should do this, or I should be more like this. Well then sister, you're gonna have that cage. You're gonna live in the cage and you're gonna be surrounded with people who shit on your dreams. And don't accept the realist version of you, and therefore they cause self-doubt in your head. And you don't go after the dreams and you don't build the business and you don't make the move and you don't do anything but stay stuck because you are in a cage and it's the people that make up that cage. So you literally have to hand pick and select who gets to be in your circle. Just so that you can, one, believe in yourself, but have others to believe in you, to have brainstorm conversations, to collaborate, to think of new possibilities. If you ever get in your head or get stuck there over there with five solutions for you, like you've gotta get people in your circle because that is the name of growth. Why do you think I have invested in myself for four or five years now? It is because I am creating and handpicking my circle, right? One. Investment is not just one investment. It's not a six month thing, and then that's it. Like you meet people that are like-minded. You meet people that are a few steps ahead of you, and so you want to keep relationships with those people. They are in your circle so that you can continue evolving, so that you can continue growing, so that you can continue surprising yourself with how much shit you can actually do and become. That is the whole point of a circle. It's the up levels. It's the new ideas. It's the people to lovingly call you out when you are yourself stuck in a cage. They're like, of course you can do that. So this is so, so important to growth, but also just the way I started this to your own sanity, to your own potential. Don't you just wanna find that out? Everyone always says their worst fear or biggest fear is death, and my fear is not death. I've actually come to terms that I'm gonna die someday. We're all gonna die someday. My biggest fear is that I don't live out to my fullest potential, that it's untapped, that I just kind of zombied around my entire life, stuck in my head, letting others win and decide. For me, and then I get to my old age and I'm like, fuck. I really haven't done anything or even tried anything, and I let others dictate what I did and did not do because I was afraid of their judgment that will not be me. That is what I'm afraid of. And so I think this is really, really important. For you to understand, but more so do something now about it. Actually apply what I am saying in this podcast episode to your life, and it doesn't have to be this scary leap or this huge big shift. Pun intended, if you know, you know, but it's the simple act of starting to distance yourself by starting to say no more, or again, just letting the relationship fizzle out so that you have more time, more capacity, more white space to say yes to shit that you actually want to do. And notice the difference of the people that really light you up and energize you. Believe in you versus the people that rob you of your energy and literally drain you of your life force. Okay. Okay, that's what I got for you this week. If anything about this episode resonated with you, please do me a favor and take a screenshot of this podcast, post it on your stories, and tag me at Katia, Lillian, I would love to connect with you, so thank you in advance and I appreciate you. Until next time.