How I Overcame My Fear of Speaking—and You Can Too

In this episode, I’m sharing my journey from “please don’t pick me” to confidently taking the stage — and the tools that helped me get there. Whether you’re preparing for your first live speaking event or just hitting “record” on Instagram stories, these tips will help you show up with presence, confidence, and connection.

You’ll learn:

• How to reframe nerves as energy and excitement
• Simple breathwork that calms your body in minutes
• Why a power stance boosts confidence instantly
• The mindset shift that takes the pressure off you and onto your message
• How to use pauses, eye contact, and body language to command the room
• Why celebrating the win matters more than critiquing every detail

References:

- YouTube

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Transcript

0:00

Hello and welcome to this week's episode of the Building Her podcast. I'm your host, Kati Lillian. If you've been loving this podcast, go ahead and rate the podcast five stars and DM me on Instagram when you do that, because I want to connect and personally thank you. If you are new here, hit that subscribe button. It really helps the podcast grow, and that way you will never miss an episode. So let's dive in. Hey, my name is Kati Lillian, and I am obsessed with all things mindset, personal development, and helping you build the best version of yourself. I'm a women's life and mindset coach and an entrepreneur who started a fun hobby of posting hashtag sweaty selfies, grew a successful side hustle, and now I run a six figure coaching business. I teach you the secret of building a life that aligns with your deepest values and one that you wake up excited for. This podcast is designed to expand your mind and. Challenge the status quo. So get ready to uplevel your life and let's start building her. As you guys listen to this episode, I will be driving across the state to Cocoa Beach. I'm so excited because my client is leading a Women's Symposium event. It's called Unwrap the Best You. This is like her fourth time doing it, and since we're working together. She invited me and I'm so excited, and even more so if you follow me on Instagram. I already announced this on my stories, but I will be vlogging the whole weekend. I don't have a separate vlogging camera. I'm just gonna do it all on my iPhone, but I'm so excited to bring you for the, I don't know, the journey and show you the behind the scenes of what it looks like as. A day in the life of a coach as a mom, and also my speaking event and this conference, this symposium. So more to come on that one. If you aren't already subscribed on YouTube, I'll go ahead and leave the link in the show notes below so that you can do that and you can support your girl. When I first received this opportunity from my client, I was hesitant because young girl, fun fact, used to have a fear of public speaking. I, oh gosh, I mean, I could go down memory lane for you all. In terms of like how this showed up and I dunno where it really started, but also I think fear of public speaking is like the number one or number two fear across the board for all human beings. Because when you are, when you stand in front of a group of people, basically you like on a human physical level. You feel already as like the outsider and we are so wired for. You know, community and civilization and togetherness and connectedness. And so just physically, when you are away from the body of people, you feel uncomfortable, which I didn't know that, but that's just a very. Science driven background, but also number two, now you're so afraid, which is another fear of the judgment, perceived judgment that people will cast upon you because now you're standing in front of them. And so it's what does my outfit look like and what does my hair look like? And you know, I don't know my shape, my size, like whatever, like literally your entire. Physical trait is now being assessed, and if you have a fear of what others think of you, well then there you go. It's not so much the public speaking, it's just the fact that you're standing in front of them. So. I had the double whammy. I had both of them because I always had a fear of what people thought. But then even more so when I would have these public speaking opportunities. Now when I say public speaking, it's, you know, I mean, you go back to high school. For example, there was a Spanish teacher. The fact that, I still know this just shows you how afraid I was, but there was a Spanish teacher that would have this jar of Popsicle sticks, and on each Popsicle stick he'd have the names of the students written down. And so. He would just kind of reach in the jar at random, pick out a Popsicle stick, and then whose ever name was on that Popsicle stick. It would be your turn to either read a part of the chapter in Spanish or do a little, what it, it was like more of a workshop type thing where you would have to get up in front of the class with him and speak in Spanish. So very like hot seat on the spot type of mentor, which by the way was very effective because I still know Spanish from that high school class. But regardless. I would get so much anxiety. I would literally be shaking in my boots. I would get sweaty, I would get hot. I would avoid eye contact. I'm like, in my mind, I'm just like, don't pick me. Don't pick me. Don't pick me. Right? Like it was awful. I hated going to that class. I had so much anxiety. And this was ninth, 10th grade, so I was a freshman, sophomore at this point. And then in college, it just really, I mean, it didn't go away. And I remember I had a drama class where we'd have these small groups and we would also have to perform whatever act. And for whatever reason, I thought it would be such a grand idea to do my act, my portion of the play. For drama class in a German accent.'cause that's my background, so why not? But I was so nervous, one of just speaking in front of people, but now with the added pressure and fear of the fake German accent that I had to embody. That I completely forgot my lines. I completely forgot my lines when I was in front of the class doing this play with my group. And that was like the worst experience ever. I literally was like, okay, I have no idea how it went anymore, but just, I'm gonna try here. On a whim with my German accent. So hello. I am so happy to be here. That's my attempt at that. But just Remi, think of me. So afraid and then speaking in English, but with that German accent, I was speaking German there, but I just, oh my God, it was awful. And then I would just stop and just be silent and kind of like do darty nervous eyes around the classroom and literally just wait until the next person in my group would just pick up the where. You know, we, I left off like their lines and I had a physical response. The sweaty palms, the, the upper lip was sweaty. I would shake, I would get nervous, my voice would tremble. Oh my gosh. Awful, awful, awful. And so because of that, those experiences I just shied away from ever. Is, you know, saying yes to other public speaking opportunities. The one time where I finally started to get out of that a little bit was. I, I guess I wouldn't say public speaking, but it was at my tech job. I landed a sales role, so I started in customer support if you didn't know, and just kind of worked my way up the ladder and eventually I ended up in a sales role, which meant that I would have to travel around the US quite often. And then go meet new people and lead presentations and have these meetings with it could be two people, it could be five people, it could be 10 people, you name it. But I had to do that in my sales role. And even though I wasn't maybe presenting in like this, you know, auditorium, like an official. Speech, it was still in the conference room where I would have to lead the conversation. And maybe I'm not standing, I'm sitting, but there's still just a lot of eyeballs and attention on me. And I don't know. There was something about maybe the dynamic of that where I just got, I didn't feel so nervous, right?'Cause I wasn't standing and maybe it was a little bit less pressure. Still uncomfortable enough to stretch me to the edge of my comfort zone with speaking right. So that over years and years and years of being in this role really, really helped with my fear of public speaking. And I guess fear of what other people thought of me because then for the same company, we would host our own conference. And this conference would have, I don't know how many, hundreds, thousands of people eventually. But then they asked me to lead a panel, right? So I'm the one from our tech company, and then there were three or four. Clients of ours where I would lead and host the discussion, but that was on a stage that was in front of people. So obviously a little different than the conference room environment. But because I had so many years now where I was better at, at least. Leading a conference room meeting, I felt so good about leading this panel. Now, it was again, another step outside of my comfort zone though, because I was on stage in front of an audience. So that was uncomfortable for me, but still doable because I had three other people with me on the stage, right? It's a panel, it's a group of people, so I felt less alone. And that experience. And so I remember I was very nervous. Like the night before I was rehearsing, I was practicing my coworker at the time. Like we both went to each other's rooms and we like role played, you know, all that kind of stuff. So I was still definitely nervous, but in the moment that I was there, I was like literally the first minute where I just introduced them all where I was still nervous. But then I was like, you've got this like this over. Mm, overwhelming sense of calm came over me and I was like, okay, we, we can do this. So that was my first, let's call, call it good experience in the public speaking realm. And you know, me and how I always talk about our mindset. But once your brain has one piece of proof slash evidence that. Okay. Like we've had a good experience. Now we can take that experience for, for future opportunities. When we think we get nervous or scared, well we've got now proof to counteract that. So that was so huge and pivotal in my journey and my career because now my brain was like, okay, but. Yeah, you've had the drama class in high school and all that stuff, and the belief, the story that you told yourself that you're really bad at public speaking, but now you've had a good experience. Right? And so that can outweigh those bad experiences. And then another one that I had. Still Chicago, but more now for my side hustle days where I was leading with wellness and fitness type of content and I was working with brands Chicago, there was a venue, I don't know if they're still there, maybe some of you listening are familiar, but it's, it was called Evolve Her and it was just this open space office space and venue where they would host different workshops and events and things like that. And they partnered with Athleta, the fitness brand. And it was just to lead about, you know, a lead, a health and wellness conversation. And at the time I was partnered with Athleta as my own, like influencer type work. And so because they were partnered with Evolve Her, they asked me to be the host of this panel. And so, such a big honor, such a big. A milestone moment for me in what I was doing at the time on the side. So I was like, abso fucking literally. Now I was very excited about the idea and then once reality settled in a little bit and I was like, holy fucking shit, like I need to actually do this. That's when the fear cret in again now. Now this was after that experience at my tech job leading the panel, so I was like, this is interesting, but. What I also discovered and found out is because it actually mattered to me. My tech job was a check, right? This was a check. But working with brands like Athleta and evolve her. It was just such a different landscape for me, and I actually cared about who I met and the networking opportunities and how I appeared and how I spoke and like I did care about people's opinions in that type of environment. And so there was like an added pressure I had. And so luckily I was working with my first ever life coach at the time. This was 2018, and I asked her, I was like, do you. Know anything about public speaking. Like I have this gig coming up and I'm really nervous about it. Do you have any suggestions? And luckily she was very good at public speaking and actually loved it. She did a TED talk even so I was like, awesome, you're the perfect person to help me with this. And so she just helped me. More of course on the mindset, which I'll get into. She helped me with the flow of it and how to even start it to kind of like ease the pressure and the nerves for me if I had a good statement or introduction or maybe take the what do you call it? Take the attention off of me and put it back onto the hose. So quick little tactic for you is the, before you even start, you say Thank you so much. Thank you all so much for being here. Before I get started, can you give a round of applause for. Whoever is the host and for the brands Athleta and evolve her and, you know, and then everyone just starts clapping for all of these brands while you give thanks and recognition and something about that helps so much because you're, you're already up there like you're already uncomfortable, but instead of you having to have this perfect first. You know, five to ten second speech or introduction to a speech, you divert their attention and you get them to applaud. And so, I don't know, something about that made makes you feel so much more comfortable and it worked. So littles, you know, tactics like that she really helped me with. But the biggest thing was, breath, which I'll get into here later on, but, which is wild, right? Like your whole fear of public speaking is reduced down to breath and, and I say reduced down lightly because it really is the biggest thing that helped me so. Long story short, had an amazing experience also leading the panel. Actually, dare I say, enjoyed it. And then, so that's now two experiences that were positive, which outweighed my two negative experiences from high school and college. And then now in Tampa, when I first moved 2021, I said yes right away to. Another like 50 plus person event where I would lead the journaling and visualization workshop, and so I had. Zero nerves around that. That was more of just like adrenaline right before. And I was like, well that's cool'cause that's such a different experience for me. And what's really cool is that all of this now happening in the background and throughout my years and my journey has now translated over to online. Right. So that's why I wanted to bring it to the podcast because I understand maybe not all of you will have public speaking opportunities, or none of you want to public speak, or some of you are deathly afraid of public speaking. I don't know. But it's just so cool to have this in real life experience or fear and see how it equates to your online presence. And a lot of the coaches that I work with, either one-on-one or in CEO. Guess what? We gotta show up online. We gotta talk to our audience. And if you're feeling uncomfortable with that or fearful with that, it's well, yeah, we gotta master the skill of public speaking, even in an online setting. So. I wanted to share what I've learned in terms of like actual strategies and tips on how to make this experience better and dare I say, fun for you. And then just apply it to your online world. Now, the key isn't to eliminate nerves completely, right? That will absolutely happen, but it doesn't need to be a negative thing, right? Nerves doesn't need to be, oh God, I'm so afraid it could be like, I'm so excited. It's the same symptom, right? And so I want you to channel that, that energy. Into confidence, into connection, into speaking with conviction. And if you're anything like me or if anything about my background already resonated with you, then keep on listening because I do have some really, really good tips and strategies that I still use today. And I thought it was so timely because of my public speaking event, which you'll see on YouTube probably in a week or so since. As you're listening to this, it's Friday. I am literally heading over there right now. Okay. So a few things to do. I split this up in three sections, but a few things to do before you go on stage and then during and then afterwards. So let's just dive into it. Before you go on stage, what I want you to do, and I've already, alluded to it already. Reframe your nerves as energy. Reframe your nerves as excitement. It doesn't always need to mean negative, oh God. Fear, stress, worry, right? We don't have to make our nerves mean that about us. Remember, it's the story that you tell yourself. What it can mean is I'm just so damn excited and my evolve her in Chicago experience. I just give a shit, like I actually care about my reputation. I actually care what people think of me. I actually care how I sound because I want to make an impact. I want people to look at me as the leader. I want people to trust me. I want people to look at me as a mentor that they could work with and invest thousands into. So yeah, this shit matters. Hence why I have an added pressure on my shoulders, which then. Absolutely. Physically I might feel the symptoms of nerves, but instead of saying I'm nervous, I can say I'm excited. And you can say, my body is giving me energy to show the fuck up, to show up big, and to leave a lasting imprint on the people that are receiving my message and listening that already. That alone, that statement shifts you from fear, oh God, public speaking to damn like I'm a messenger. Right. I am just the voice. I am just delivering this energetic exchange for people who need to feel the impact. So that's been huge for me before it's, it's almost like setting an intention. Number two, and this is what I mentioned at the beginning with my first life coach with breath work. So. Apparently when I got nervous for public speaking, I wouldn't breathe. I would ramble. I would lose my train of thought. I would stumble on my words like I just, your girl forgot to breathe. So before you go on stage, you just ground yourself, right? And I teach this to all my clients. Even in the beginning of our calls, I do this little series where. We will just do it together right now. You'll inhale through the nose for four seconds. You'll hold it at the top for four seconds, and then you'll exhale it for six seconds through the mouth, but as if you are blowing through a straw, so it's not like a open mouth sigh ah, it's more like a. If you can hear that through my speaker. So what that does is it slows your heart rate down, therefore calming your nerves, and it just helps you tap more into that embodied, energetic, higher self type of state. So we'll do it right now. And 3, 2, 1. Inhale. Hold. Exhale one more time for good measure. Inhale, hold, exhale else. And what's really interesting, like already just those two make me feel better, but I would probably do five of those minimum before I go on stage because again, it just calms my nerves and it centers me. I actually did this before my Athleta Evolver event. I went to the bathroom right before it was my time to go and kick things off and I just had a quiet moment to myself and I breathed, I went through the series, I just walked you through and I also could. Feel physically where I held my tension, like forehead, jaw, and shoulders are the most common. So those were able to relax on a physical level, and then I did my deep belly inhales, and then I also visualized how I would show up on stage. I visualized. My words, my energy, making an impact on those that were listening, and that was really, really powerful for me too, because when you're up there now, your mind feels familiar with that because remember, your mind doesn't know the difference between the imaginary world and the real world, which is so trippy anytime I think about that. And so if you already visualize it in your head. The way you want it to go when you're up there on stage for the first time in real life, it doesn't actually feel that scary anymore.'cause your brain is we've been here before. This is familiar. Right. How trippy is that? I'm actually gonna do that again. Before I go on stage on Saturday. Maybe I'll even go up there like beforehand or something, you know, like before anyone is there just to see it. But yeah, you can literally see it in your mind's eye and it normalizes it, which visualization is so huge. That's pretty much it for before you go on stage. So your mindset, the reframe nerves are energy. Number two, the breath work. And then number three, the visualization. Cannot stress that enough. It's so, so powerful. Now while you're speaking, so while you're on stage. Part number two here. Still focus on the breathing of course, but very intentional while you're talking. So I guess is this is more of knowing when to pause. So here's an example.'cause I used to rush and remember I would, you know, skip words and stumble and say uhs and ums and all the fillers and that kind of thing. So here are the difference. The first example here is I'm really nervous, so Hi everyone. Oh my gosh, I'm so excited to be here. Thank you all for coming. I am so excited. Thank you, Tracy, for inviting me. Okay, so, let's just dive into it. Okay. So i'll reassess at the end. Here's the second one. Hi everyone. Thank you so much for being here. What an honor to be invited by Miss Tracy. Thank you so much. Can everyone just give her a round of applause? Is she not doing a kick ass job? And then they all applause. Awesome. Well, in the next 30 minutes, you're going to leave my presentation here today with clarity and steps on what you will do here in the next chapter of your life or something like that. But notice how I just slowed down and I just had more pauses, just me talking like this. Even if I'm just jumbling up words and I'm not making sense. To the receiver, they think I'm more confident with the second version versus the first, just because of how I sound. The tonality matters. Number one, form of communication if you didn't know is body language. Number two, form of Bo communication is tonality. The third and last one are the words that are actually coming out of your mouth, so let that sink in. Another thing while you're speaking is to make eye contact. I think there's some people out there who say, just look at like the window or the wall in the back, and I'm like, that's so awkward for the audience because you can tell, because they look over your head, right? Like when they're scanning the room and just looking at the wall and talking, you s you notice that because when they come over to your side. They don't make eye contact with you because they're above your head staring at the wall, and it makes it like a cold experience. You don't connect with that person, so pick a person, speak directly to them as if it's like a one-on-one client like nobody else is in the room. You're speaking to them. And then once you're done, after a few sentences, leave them, go to another person, get their eye contact, talk to them. That will make you feel better because it seems and feels like you're just talking to them, but two, now they feel so much more connected with you. Another one, use your body. I just said body language is the number one form of communication, so let's use our body in an intentional way. So of course, posture, please be aware of that. But I would also say hand gestures like be human. A lot of people talk with their hands. Don't have it awkwardly in your pockets or folded because that's not how we talk, especially if you're passionate about something. Like right now you can't see me, but my hands are flailing everywhere. Behind my microphone because I love what I'm talking about. Like this topic lights me up and so I just naturally move my hands a lot. So you just do what feels normal for you, right? Not, don't go into that should category. Smiling, of course. Always, always, always start a conversation, a talk with a smile and. And I would say smile often during your talk. Now, as I say this, by the way, sh, do this online too. So when you're talking more slowly and more collected and you're pausing on purpose in a reel on stories, you sound much more confident. You're making eye contact. Well, that's a given. Please look at the camera. So it feels like you're making eye contact, not not at the camera, so we see your eyes not looking at us. So get that down. Use your body. I always use my hands when I'm talking in a reel. Always you see my hands. So I'm going to use my hands on stage and then smiling. I'm gonna smile because Kaia likes to smile. And then after you speak, celebrate the win. So again, on or offline, you have to be proud of yourself. You have to be like, holy fuck, like I just did that. Don't nitpick every detail of ah, I should have done this better, or, ah, that sucked, or this part of the presentation, or, ah, this real no, you showed up. You tried, you put in the effort. So let's reward the effort. Right? Not the result. I, if I could just hammer that into your head. Celebrate the effort, not the result, because the results are bound to happen with the effort. So the effort needs to feel good, the effort needs to be fun. So please celebrate the effort, whether that's a dance party, whether that's a treat, whether that's a reward, whether that's a. Purchase product, whether, whatever it is, but whatever feels good and you're like, oh my gosh, I just did that. This is how I wanna celebrate. Do it. And then reflect like what went well, what didn't go so well, and what do we need to adjust? But from a data analyst perspective, not from a self-judgment, I suck perspective. That's very, very important. So. That wraps it up for me today. I hope you learned something about me in terms of my fear of public speaking, but I also hope just hearing my story, my journey and what I've learned shows you that it is also possible for you, whatever your fear is, right? We can always build it and we can. Overcome it and we can learn and we can grow, versus just being limited by a story that we tell ourselves of, I'm using air quotes, I am bad at public speaking, or I am bad on camera. Right? It's that is so limiting. Get that out of your vocabulary. You cannot say that sentence. Moving forward, I won't allow it. And show and, and embrace this idea that you get to be built into a version of yourself that you want to create. It's not that you're born a certain way, it's that you can be built a certain way, but it takes effort. So. That's what I got for you this week. If anything about this episode resonated with you, please do me a favor. Take a screenshot of this podcast episode and post on your stories and tag me at Katya dot Lillian. I would love to connect with you, so thank you in advance, and I appreciate you. Until next time. Mm.