The Confidence Framework: 5 Reframes I Shared On Stage

In this episode of Building HER, Katja shares her story of judgment, failure, identity, permission, unknown and how she reworked them. She takes listeners behind the scenes of how she went from lost and unfulfilled in a six-figure corporate job to creating a purpose-driven coaching business, inspiring women everywhere to trade the life that looks good for one that feels good. Through her own story and lessons learned, Katja explores the fears that keep us stuck—fear of judgment, failure, and the unknown—and the courage it takes to rewrite your own definition of success.

💡 What You’ll Hear Inside

• The truth about living a life that “looks good on paper” but doesn’t feel good
• Katja’s personal journey—from getting fired and feeling lost to building a six-figure coaching business
• How a Tony Robbins seminar became her gateway to personal growth
• The 5 fears that keep women stuck:
  • Fear of judgment
  • Fear of failure
  • Identity tied to achievement
  • Waiting for permission
  • Fear of the unknown
• Real talk about comfort vs. courage (“golden handcuffs are still handcuffs”)
• Reframing failure, self-worth, and success
• Why courage isn’t about being fearless—it’s about taking the next step anyway
• A final invitation to rewrite your definition of success and start now—step by step, brick by brick

References:

- YouTube Vlog!

SUPPORT THE SHOW:

Please subscribe, rate and review over on Apple Podcasts & Spotify to help support the show! Share to your IG stories and follow along on instagram @katja.lillian for updates and inspiring content.

OTHER PLACES TO CONNECT WITH ME:

Sign up for my newsletter!
DM me on IG!
Customer Testimonials

Transcript

0:00

Hello and welcome to this week's episode of the Building Her podcast. I'm your host, Kati Lillian. If you've been loving this podcast, go ahead and rate the podcast five stars and DM me on Instagram when you do that, because I want to connect and personally thank you. If you are new here, hit that subscribe button. It really helps the podcast grow, and that way you will never miss an episode. So let's dive in. Hey, my name is Kati Lillian, and I am obsessed with all things mindset, personal development, and helping you build the best version of yourself. I'm a women's life and mindset coach and an entrepreneur who started a fun hobby of posting hashtag sweaty selfies, grew a successful side hustle, and now I run a six figure coaching business. I teach you the secret of building a life that aligns with your deepest values and one that you wake up excited for. This podcast is designed to expand your mind and. Challenge the status quo. So get ready to uplevel your life and let's start building her. If you missed last week's episode, all about my fear of public speaking, definitely go check that out so you have context of what this episode is going to be about. But I just. Told you guys a little bit more about my fear from the past of public speaking and some of my experiences with it, but the reason why I chose to speak about public speaking is because I was literally on my way to a public speaking gig. On the other side of Florida, so in case you missed it, I also have a vlog on YouTube where I documented the entire weekend. It's a mix of work, but also family. It was my baby girl's 10 month birthday, so I took her to the zoo. So much more of an intimate behind the scenes look at my life and my family and. Just for you to get to know me a little bit better, so I'll leave the link in the show notes below to that YouTube vlog. But that was doing, but it was such an incredible experience going to the other side of Florida. We were in, I don't know if I wanna say Cocoa or Cocoa Beach or Melbourne. I really don't know. I think it was Melbourne, Florida. But we drove across the state, so it was like three hours. It actually wasn't that bad at all. And we were there for my client's women's symposium and it was called Unwrap the Best You. And this was actually the fifth time she's done it. But this is the first time that I have been invited to go because it's. The first year that I'm working with my client, so I was just honored to be invited and she asked me to share my story on stage with. All of the attendees that were there, there were about, I think 55, 60, something like that. People there. So it was just really cool. I think one also, I wanted to make the joke on stage, but totally slipped my mind. But I was like, see humans. So it was just such a nice. Mm, change of pace for me because all day, every day here in my office, I am recording these episodes for you and I'm on Zoom with my one-on-one clients or my CEO girls. And so it was just really nice to have no screens and actually have in real life interactions, anyways, so I gave the speech and I got so much good positive feedback. And maybe that isn't so big for some of you. Okay, ga, that's external validation. You know, I gotta internally validate myself, which absolutely, hello. Like I always talk about that and preach about that, but I think because it used to be a fear of mine, it. It resonated so much more. It had more weight to it because I'm holy shit, Katia we're actually doing the thing like we've gotten, but clearly something you said resonated with people and impacted them for them to have this type of response. So there, there was one woman who came up to me at the end and she was just like, wow, congratulations to all of your success and your beautiful family. Bert and Amalia were there. So everyone met them. But just so endearing and so, genuine in her compliment. Right? And so that really touched me. And then there was another woman that we were sitting at a table with pretty much for the whole event. I got to know her and she came up to me after my talk and it was still like, hands down the best compliment I've ever received because she said that. There is such a difference between someone who talks about a subject matter. Because of their education or their studies from the book or, right. Like they know a lot from education, which is between that type of presentation and then someone who's actually lived it, who's actually done the thing that the books are actually writing about. And she said, you are that person. I like my jaw, almost hit the floor. Like I had to pick up my jaw if that's not the best compliment I've ever received. I don't know what is. And she said that she was going to speak the next day and she is, she's a doctor in, I don't know if it was like health and psychology or something, but she definitely had more of an educational background to have that title. And she said, you've got me beat and, and this was an older woman as well. She's definitely. You know, prime in her career. I, I would maybe say fifties, maybe even early sixties. And so just coming from someone like that and to say what a difference that was for the audience to even hear my story and you could tell, you could feel by my energy that I have lived this. I didn't just read. And, yeah, I, I just, I wanna share that with you because truly you can overcome your fears, whatever they are. I don't care what they are, you can overcome them. I am living proof of it. I had no fucking clue how it, my public speaking gig would go, no fucking clue. But I just went up there and. Showed the fuck up and clearly some of the words that came because quite honestly, it was a little bit of a blur for me, but I'm happy to say that it is all recorded. They had a videographer there, and so I'm actually just waiting on the full. File of my presentation to be emailed to me, and then I want to watch it. And if the audio is good, I'm going to probably post that as an episode for you guys just so you could even hear it. And, and for me too,'cause I don't know again what I said or how I said it, but if, if it's good and it, and the audio quality is great, why not bring it to you? So I'm just really happy to share that. But before the presentation and you know, getting my speech, I did want to bring the topic and the subject matter here on the podcast because besides thrill and adrenaline rush of being on stage, the actual topic of my speech I think is also really, really important. And. I knew it was important, hence why I chose it. But also after I gave it, I'm like, this shit is good. Like I need to share more of this story because some of you know it and, and it's in bits and pieces. If you go way back to my first few episodes, I share my Tony Robbins experience there. I, another episode I share about my body image insecurities, right? But I feel like with my presentation. It was everything. It was my entire story in one setting, and so I wanted to bring it to you guys, my topic. So rewrite the resume, building a life that lights you up. So let's just dive into it. Let's dive into the topic that I shared at my client's women's symposium. So. This topic, rewrite the resume, build a life that lights you up is really, really such a powerful theme in today's day and age and an hour, let's call it Western society because if you're anything like me, there was a season in your life or still is a season in your life where the you that the world saw or sees. Wasn't the fullest or most honest version of who you are. So I'm gonna say that again. Maybe just keep it past, but you'll, you'll know if that's your current reality. So I chose this theme because if you're anything like me, there was a season in your life where the, the fullest or most honest version of who you are. So maybe you can already reflect on a moment in time or in history of your life where that is true, and maybe it's still true today. And it is not to judge yourself or make you feel bad about yourself. It's more so awareness because there are some mindset shifts I'm going to offer you to hopefully help you overcome this and quote. Change your career. Change your lifestyle. Do something that changes this, because here's the problem. Lots of us stay stuck in a life that looks good on paper, but it doesn't feel good. It feels safer, quote unquote, to live a life that looks good on the outside. Then to risk pursuing one that feels good. Lots of us stay stuck in a life that looks good on paper but doesn't feel good. It feels safer to live a life that looks good on the outside, then to risk pursuing one that feels good on the outside. So if you're listening to this and you're nodding your head right now. You have to understand that this has been, this has become so normalized in our society. I remember when I worked in corporate, I, I would say at any job that I had before that it was social media, but it was always like this general consensus from the staff of, you know, gotta go to work again. Or, oh, is it Friday yet or is it the weekend? Like it was definitely very heavy in terms of this is work, this is not my ideal place to be at right now. I would much rather be doing anything else. A top of the top to the bottom of the bottom. And they were okay with that'cause they showed up every day. Stayed all day, did the work, did the task, and then went home and did the same shit the next day. So there's like this tolerance that we've built up. There's this idea that we've settled for a life that's mediocre at best, just to appease others. If we've got all the boxes checked, went to high school, went to college, got the degree, got the job, climbed the ladder, got the promotion, got the raise, got the 401k, got the pension, got the house, got the cars, got the kids. Think of all those boxes checked. You're like, I did it. I followed the script. I followed the rules. Life should feel pretty good. But you have to be honest with yourself. Does it? Is this what you want or is it what you think others want of you? And the expectations from society and culture and question, especially if you're not beginning your career, but you're in the middle of your career. I was just talking to another coaching friend of mine and she's do you know how many mid to upper 30 year olds I know? And they're like, holy shit. Like I'm realizing this is not. What I want, this does not light me up. My days are full of anxiety and worry and stress and just kind of making it through, but they're so deeply afraid to one, admit. That they're not happy with it, and two, actually do something about it because they feel like they're too old or they're too far in the game. That all the other years have been a waste. I mean, there's so many in action to justify staying stuck. And so what I want to offer you is a different way to look at this situation, and it really boils down to the fears that you have that are getting in the way. There's. The, there's five top ones. Let's say These are not the only five, but there's five top ones that I've discovered. One with myself, but two with the clients that I've worked with now in the past five years. So number one is definitely the fear of judgment. Right. We're terrified of what people say if we choose a different path, because what does that look like to others? What are they thinking? What are we going to be ostracized? Right? Like from a very scientific, biological perspective, we are wired for belonging. We are wired for community. And so if we choose a different path, our two deepest fears are, will we be enough, right, not good enough, or will we still be loved? And if we don't feel like we're gonna be enough or loved, well no, we're gonna run in the other direction. So fear of judgment is number one with that. Number two, fear of failure. Right. So what if you choose a different path? Well, shit, I don't know what's going on. I've got a paycheck, I've got benefits, I've got comfort. Katya, you think I'm gonna risk all of that? Golden handcuffs are a very real thing. So fear of failure is number two. Number three, these are all linked by the way. Identity tied to achievement. So this was me, the high achiever. I did it the right way. I checked all the boxes. I went to high school. I got all the A's I went to college, I got all the, A's I got the internship, I got promoted, I got the job, I right, I did all the things, and yet I still got fired from my first job. But I followed the rules. I did it the right way. And so if that is an identity that you also have, well, that is shattered. If it doesn't go according to plan, if you don't achieve, that was me. I got fired and I completely internalized it and made it about me. I'm the one in the wrong. I suck. I failed. Right? That's why I went into my three month depression back in the day. Number four, waiting for permission. So you're in this waiting game. You're like, I'm waiting for a sign, or I'm waiting for a perfect time. That doesn't exist, but that's what we tell ourselves We're, we're just playing the waiting game, acting like we live forever and we're a mortal. And number five, fear of the unknown, right? We choose familiar. Over unknown, even if we hate it because the way our brain calculates that, the familiar is that it's safe, and our brain's job is to keep us safe and alive. It doesn't care about if you're rich or successful or if you're happy, your and safe equals familiar for your brain. So anything unfamiliar, anything new is eh, pump the brakes. Are you sure about that? And so fear of the unknown is a very, very real thing. Now, how do I know all of this? I already mentioned that it's me and my story, but also the five years of coaching. I hear this time and time again. Do you know how many times I've heard from clients that they're afraid of the unknown or that they fail, or what will people think of them? I would say every single client that I've had and that I've worked with. So it's, again, so normalized, and I just want you to feel seen and validated. If you're listening to this right now and you're like, damn, Katya, this, this, this hits, this, hits home. You're not alone. This, this is a very human experience. However, I'm here to share my story of what's possible when you feel the fear. Right. You live with the fear, you coexist with these action anyways, so that you can build a life and a career that not only looks good, but also gets to feel good. So the best way I can showcase this and, and to start with my story, if you're not familiar. I definitely go back to some of my previous episodes back from last year also to get a gist, but there's a Kaia 1.0 and a Kaia 2.0. So the Kaia 1.0. I had no direction in life. I felt very lost, very confused. Now think back to high school days when you get that pressure of what college do you wanna go to, what do you wanna do with Lou? Right? I like to play tennis and I liked my boyfriend at the time, that was it. That's all I had going for me. And so when I went to a college that I picked, it was CSU San Bernardino. I went to this weekend what do you call it? Meet and greet kind of thing, you know, stay for the weekend and see what it would be like. I came home crying. I, I hated everything about it. And so then I got the junior college gig because I got a spot to play on their tennis team and I really loved that. I loved my two years at Bakersfield College is where I played tennis and then. After the second year though, or let's say in the middle of the second year, I was also like, well, shit, now I have pressure again of choosing a major. And I still didn't know I was doing general education at the time, so I just picked a major. Just kind of pulled it outta my ass and was like, all right, communication studies. And I'm sure that was from discussions with peers and perhaps professors, parents. I don't remember, but somehow I landed on communication studies. Did I love it? Was I passionate about it? Was it purposeful? Was it fulfilling? No, I just was like. This sounds communication studies. And I do have to say I did love them. They were great and I learned a lot. And there was one class in particular where it was interpersonal communications and it was within the family dynamic and how we talk. And something about that class really, really resonated with me. And I remember I was like, okay, I feel really, really good about my major, but after college it's well, what does communication studies. Degree get me, right? Like you could use, you could get any job with that type of degree. So I got my first big girl job at social media. That's what I ended up with.'cause I got a internship through them and then they hired me on full time once I graduated. But then they fired me after six months. And so my thought process was like. Is is this it? Like I got this big job, I did it, I followed all the rules, and yet I still get fired. Is this what I worked so hard for? This is adult life, this is the Dream Court fell into a three month depression. I binge watched Breaking Bad and I didn't know what to do. I was so lost. And then I pick up the pieces after three months'cause I'm like, either I lay here and watch another show or I, I get up and I do something about it. So. I got a customer service job, customer service salary. It was 28 k, annual, annual emphasis on the word annual salary. And that was it, but it was completely a decision out of fear and not enoughness and worry and stress oh God, like I gotta pay rent. Tomorrow. So that was it. That's what I got. And all the while the version of me that was showing up, I, I had low confidence. I was shy, I still had body image, insecurities and issues and hey, I drank every weekend.'cause I thought that's what I needed to do. And also this was on the tail end of my tennis career ending.'cause I didn't finish or 0.0. And then the shift into 2.0 is where I started to take more chances and I started to lead with faith-based decisions, not fear-based decisions. And I had more of a self-love and self-acceptance and self-trust that I was starting to build and tap into intuition. And so I moved from LA to Chicago, not knowing. Anyone, no coworkers, no friends, no family. Bert is the only one that came with me. Obviously, we road tripped it together. I started reading self-help books. I dove in headfirst to personal development and podcasts. I started meditating. I joined a tone it up fitness community. I wanted us to, my following, started to grow brands. Started to notice I got$50 for my first brand deal and. That opened the flood gates to making new money, quote unquote. The internet money and things just kind of started happening. I hired my own first life coach when I was 28 years old. I worked through limiting beliefs with her. I started saying yes to opportunities like my first public speaking event where I led a panel. I started my own coaching business. I got my first client in 2020. Like it's just wild how things started happening. There was a huge shift shifted. Right. It wasn't about the looks, the aesthetics, although I did lose 15 pounds, but my internal world shifted, and that was all because of Tony Robbins. So again, if you don't know that story, I'll just keep it at that and you can listen to the episode that is entirely devoted to that experience. Now, Tony Robbins is great. But now in hindsight, it's, it wasn't so it was him, of course, like he's still super human in my eyes, but. For me, it was so profound at the ripe age of 24 because it was my introduction to the personal development world and I just hadn't looked back since at signing my first client in 2020. But then I moved to Florida and I bought my first house and got married to Bird and I hired my first business coach, Rob Dial. I hit. 100 K in one year. I left my nine to five tech job where I was there for almost a decade. I launched the big shift. I launched my podcast. I launched she EO, and now I'm a mom. What is this? Right? This is. A version of my life where I see, and I believe that I am in control and I call the shots, but notice that this wasn't some sexy, like leap of faith story. This is a story where it was to use to take steps of faith. So not a leap of faith, a step of faith over and over and over again. Brick by brick, I laid the foundation of a life that doesn't only look good on the outside, but it feels good also on the inside. So with my trajectory, with my story, with my journey, I wanna circle back to those five fears. Because I have learned how to deal with these fears. So if we go back to number one, fear of judgment. More often than not, it is only perceived judgment. We make up a story in our heads of what people think to justify staying stuck. Newsflash, we have no idea what people think unless you're a mind reader and then DM me because we need to talk. But if and when we were saying. Well, it's never going to come from someone who's actually built something of their own and is a few steps ahead of you, because every single person that I've met in my journey, they get it right. They understand how hard it is to take those steps of faith in the direction of your vision, of your dreams, and so they only want to pour into you and your growth. So the fear of judgment. Quote unquote is bullshit. We don't know what people are thinking unless again, they say it. It's probably coming from someone that's a few steps behind you, not ahead of you. And if you think of them behind you, do you wanna switch roles with them? Would you trade places with them? No. So why the fuck are we gonna listen to their opinion? Fear of failure. I had to redefine what failure meant first. I, I scrapped it from my vocabulary. I don't even like it'cause it's very daunting. It feels very heavy. So I like to say the only way I fail is if I quit. That's it. There is no other way to fail. It's only if I give up and quit. That feels much better to me. Golden handcuffs if you're stuck in that. When your cushy job recognize though the phrase golden handcuffs, they're still handcuffs. You think your comfort is safe, but the true cost is what your health, your joy, your purpose. If you're 80, 90, a hundred years old and you're reflecting back on this time, do you think you're gonna feel proud that you stayed at a job that pointed? So you have to think of that version of yourself reflecting back on this time right here, right now, realizing one, how much time you have left to do something and two, what would she be proud of? That's the northern star. That's the guiding light. There's a quote by Jim Carrey. He says, you can fail at what you don't want, so you might as well take a chance on what you love, right? Because quote unquote, you could fail as something you hate, so might as well just fail as something you love. But guess what? You can't fail because the only way you feel is if you quit. Number three, identity tied to achievement. So following the rules, got me the six figure sexy tech job. It got me the health insurance, it got me the 401k match. It got me the unlimited PTO. However, creating my own rules will actually get me where I want to go and what I value. Which number one is freedom of time. None of those things that that job can provide me, gives me my time back. That is my IT and what I achieve, it's in who I become. Success isn't trophies for me. It's not titles for me, it's not boxes checked for me, it's actually having the courage to become the most authentic version of myself. I've proven that I can achieve what others expect of me, but now it's my time to achieve what I expect of myself and what I desire. Number four, waiting for permission News Flash. No one's coming to save you. No one's coming to save you. No one wants this more than you do today. They haven't met that version of you yet. You haven't met that version of you yet. The vision that you see is in your head, so you have to move first in blind faith. And trust that the next step will appear. Trust that reality will catch up. There's never going to be a right time or a sign that is more powerful than you just deciding right here, right now. A change, a different step you're going to take today. Just deciding enough is enough. I'm going to do X. I'm going to do something different, and I think a lot of you are always waiting for like clarity and all the answers and all your ducks in a row, but you have to make the best decision with the information you have and the knowledge that you have, and then trust that you can make another decision. You can adjust your course as needed. And by making those decisions and by taking that action, that is then where the clarity comes. You have to take the first step and E in order to see the second step and the third step and the fourth step. That's it. That's how it works. The last thing, the last fear was fear of the unknown. Revisit that. Reframe that and view it as a blank canvas. Think of a blank canvas As a world of opportunity, the world is your oyster. It's not this scary abyss that you're gonna fall down somewhere. It's actually a blank canvas. It's what do you want your future to look like? What do you want your life to look like? Let's design that shit. Let's build it. You are in control. You are in the driver's seat. Peter Cron, if you're familiar, follow him on Instagram. I highly recommend it. He's been a coach for years, but he's doing a bit more like mainstream type of stuff now. He has a membership and does all these talks and podcasts, finding Freedom, I think it's called. Anyways, he has this quote and he says the future is actually empty. And contains it with the imagined worst case scenario. So recognize that the future is empty. So that's that blank canvas, but your mind fills it with imagine worst case scenarios. Because remember, it's trying to protect you. It's trying to keep you safe, which which we know is what the familiar, so if you can. Tell your brain and train your brain. Remind your brain we're safe, we're good. We're just gonna go paint on the canvas. Now. We're just gonna go do some shit. We're just gonna try some shit and we're gonna going to imagine the best case scenario, not the worst case, the best case scenario that therefore we get excited about this blank canvas and the future of the unknown. You have to ask yourself, what if the unknown turns out better than I could have ever imagined? So those are the five fears and those are the reframes. Those are the redefinitions that I'm personal story, but also for my clients' stories. And that is what I shared. That was my topic. There's a few other. Slides that I offer to tie in the theme of the presentation, but I think that's the bulk of it, and that's the most necessary part for you to really understand because you have to learn how to dance with fear. And another analogy I can give you before I let you guys go is with fear. You are in the driver's seat and fear is the passenger princess. So, so actually visualize yourself in a car behind the wheel. You're driving. You decide where you go, right? Where you go left. When you stop, when you hit the gas, how fast you go, how slow you go, like you are in control. Fear is there, it's, they're, they're sitting in the passenger seat. They're, they're chirping away. They're talking, they're giving their opinion. But they're still in the passenger seat, so let them talk, but don't let it stop you from doing what you want to do and where you want to go. Okay. Okay. I hope you enjoyed this episode. That's all that I got for you this week. If anything about this resonated with you, please, please, please take a screenshot and see even who's listening, but then also to start a conversation with you and connect with you and learn more about your story. I would tuning in and I appreciate you so much. Until next time. Mm.