The Identity Series [PART 2] - What Identity Is & 3 Ways To Change It

Goals don’t change your life. Identity does.

You can want the six-figure business.
You can want the confidence.
You can want the aligned career.

But if your identity still says:

• “I’m just starting.”
• “I’m not disciplined.”
• “I’m bad at money.”
• “I’m not a salesperson.”

Then your identity will quietly override every goal you set.

In Part 2 of the Identity Series, we’re breaking down:

✔️ What identity actually is (from a psychology + Tony Robbins lens)
✔️ Why identity always beats motivation
✔️ How your self-concept is shaping your income, confidence, and consistency
✔️ Why goals fail when identity doesn’t match
✔️ The 3 powerful ways to change your identity starting now

And yes — I walk you through the exact identity-shifting framework I use with my private clients.

In case you missed it, here's Part 1!

Transcript

0:01

Hello and welcome to the Building Her podcast. I'm your host, Katya Lillian. If you've been loving this podcast, go ahead and rate the podcast five stars and DM me on Instagram when you do that, because I want to connect and personally thank you. If you are new here, hit that subscribe button. It really helps the podcast grow, and that way you'll never miss an episode. So let's dive in. Before we get to the main introduction, Bertram paid us a little visit and he did another little intro and I loved it so much and I decided to keep it. So enjoy Mic check. 1, 2, 1, 2. Mic check. 1, 2, 1, 2. Welcome to Cocktail Lillian's podcast where we help you be a better you. Without further ado, let me introduce you to my host, Katia Lillian Hall. That was so good. I might keep that. Hey, my name is Kati Lillian, and I am obsessed with all things mindset, personal development, and helping you build the best version of yourself. I'm a women's life and mindset coach and an entrepreneur who started a fun hobby of posting hashtag sweaty selfies, grew a successful side hustle, and now I run a six figure coaching business. I teach you the secret of building a life that aligns with your deepest values and one that you wake up excited for. This podcast is designed to expand your mind and. Challenge the status quo. So get ready to uplevel your life and let's start building her. Welcome back to the Identity series. This is the second part, so if you missed the first part last week, I left it in the show notes below so you can check it out there. But we are talking all things identity this episode, and then the final episode will be next week. This was really important to me. I share a little bit more background in the first episode, so make sure you check that out. But identity is so huge in terms of. Building a coaching business, especially if you are in a nine to five, or even just another job, another career, and you're thinking about switching jobs and careers, there can be a huge identity shift with that. So that's what I jumped into in the first one. But as I was re-listening to that, uh, yes, I listened to my own episodes. I was like, Katia, you didn't even fucking explain what identity is like. We kinda missed that part. So I'm gonna take a few steps back and just. Describe a little bit more what even is identity and define it. And then this episode will be devoted to how can we start changing that identity on a, on a very basic level. So this isn't all just coaches, this is just. How do we shift our identity? How do we start changing it so that we can start building that version of her that we already know and love because she's our higher self. Remember? I don't know if I said in the first one, but the higher self is not your future self. The higher self is someone that you, that already exists, right? And. You just need to step up and start now behaving like her and acting like her and thinking like her and talking like her, like she is already a part of you. It's just, can you show up that way now? And so I just wanted to make that distinction when I talk about her, uh, and your higher self. It's not your future self. We're talking higher self, like she's already here, like your sister kind of thing. Anyways, so identity. If you're new to this subject, what is it? Identity is the collection of beliefs, labels, and standards that you've accepted as true about yourself. And because of that, it determines the decisions that you make. Another way to put it, and this is from my favorite, Tony Robbins identity is the story you believe about who you are. Now, I emphasize that word story because that's quite literally what it is at the end of the day. If you dissect that definition in it, definition, again, it's the collection of beliefs, labels, and standards that you've accepted as true. And therefore those beliefs, labels, and standards form a story that you believe about who you are. This is everything. It's the religion that you practice and believe in. It is the upbringing. And if you had one parent or two parents in the household and what they taught you, making good money is the end all, be all. It's literally every single belief that you have. It's a story and. I say that with so much emphasis and passion because once you realize it's just a story, you literally can unpack every single belief that you have and thought was true and decide for yourself. Does this align with me today? Yeah. Does this align with my morals, my values, or is this something that I just picked up along the way because someone told me that this is what I should believe in, but I actually don't believe in it? Maybe I used to believe in it, but I don't believe in it anymore. So it's really, really important to even just understand when I say identity, that is what I am talking about. It. I mean, this subject is huge. I, there's probably podcasts just on identity. That's how huge this is. Another way to understand the story that makes up our identity is also this psychological concept known as yourself concept. So in psychology, they define it as the labels that we assign to ourselves. Whether that was picked up by people or along the way, we still remember, assume and accept that these labels are true. So we assign it to ourselves, the roles that we attach to Mom, daughter, sister my case tech girl. Now coach. Right. What's the role that you play in your life, the traits you believe are true about you? I'm a nice person. I have a moral compass. I would never do X. Right. So it's what you believe are true. In terms of the traits, the standards you think are normal for you. And then finally the behaviors you see as consistent with who you are. So that's a huge one, and I'll unpack that a little bit later in the episode. But the behavior basically follows your identity. So some examples to just help visualize this a little bit more, if you identify as, I'm not a salesperson, well, subconsciously, or sometimes even consciously, because. You know what you identify as or not as, but you would avoid selling, right? If I identify as I'm not a salesperson, then consciously. I'm not gonna go look for like sales jobs, for example, and then I'm also not going to learn how to sell, right? So we're avoiding selling at all costs. Now think about this in the entrepreneurship world. If you believe, well, I'm not a salesperson, and that's your identity, but entrepreneurship quite literally requires you to sell then on a subconscious level, right? We're avoiding selling because maybe we're doing like the marketing and the Instagraming and all the things, but if we still have that identity, well then that's where it could get a little tricky in a slippery slope because. You avoid selling subconsciously, even though it feels like, well, I'm doing all the things right. Another one, I'm not disciplined enough. Okay. Well, do you think you're gonna be then acting in accordance of discipline or even try to be disciplined? No. You're gonna skip it. You're going to also avoid it. I am bad at money. That's a huge one. So many people identify as that, I'm bad at money. Well then guess what? You're not gonna learn about money and you're not going to take care of money. And so what? You're going to mishandle money and not take care of money. I hope you guys see what I'm getting at'cause I really want it to be like. Self-explanatory examples. I'm just starting. I had a client who just started a, a new job and she leaned on that statement for like the first. Six months. Like, oh, I'm just starting. Like I'm new. I'm just starting. And so because of that, well she didn't want to learn as much as she sh could have and you know, didn't raise her hand or didn't contribute to the conversations because that was the identity of like, well, I'm just starting. And so it was kind of like this get. This free pass of I don't need to play large, or, you know, I don't need to really go after it and save my peace because I'm just starting. So she kind of like inadvertently played small. Another example in the entrepreneurship world, if you believe like, yeah, I'm just starting, well, then you're gonna play small. Meaning you're not going to pitch yourself to huge podcasts. You're not going to take content seriously and actually hope and pray that one takes off and goes viral and actually be seen by people, right? Like you'll play small. Another one I'm not confident. Okay, well then you'll stay quiet. I had another client of mine. When I was primarily focused on life coaching, and she had this identity of I am a shy girl, I'm a shy woman. And when we unpacked it together, we realized that that shy belief she had. Was actually from a statement her uncle had made when she was like 10 years old. And realizing that and becoming aware of that, she's like, fuck that. Like, I don't wanna ident. That's not my identity anymore. And so then she chose to say like, well, no, I'm confident now. And she blew. Up on social media, like it's wild. She started showing up more, she started talking more. She started showing her face more. She started being more consistent with her content, and now she has over 300,000 followers, like insane. So identity is really, really, really huge. And again, the point that I wanna make with this. A specific episode is that it's not stuck. It's not something that like you're born with, right? It's something that can actually be changed. It's something that can be challenged. It's something that you can point out the gaps and be like, oh wow, I don't, I don't believe this anymore. And what I'm actually gonna do is give you the framework that I give my clients so that you can apply it to your own identity after this episode. And yeah, just see how it lands for you. Now before I get into the way to actually change your identity three ways, I want you to also understand that. We lead with goals all the time, like goal setting for the month, for the year, whatever it is. Goals is really, really loud in our society, especially the personal development industry, but I feel like identity is not really talked about and that actually Trumps goals. Here's why goals are what we want. But identity is who you believe you are, and when those don't match up, identity will win every time. So to give you an example, let's say the goal is I want a six figure business, but the identity is, oh, I'm new. I'm just starting out and I'm just figuring it out. Well guess which one actually drives the behavior. Identity. So consciously you say, yeah, I want a six figure business. And then again, the busyness of it all. You feel like you're doing all the things right? I'm sending the dms, I'm getting on the sales calls, I'm posting the content. I'm showing up online. I'm going live. I'm doing all this shit. But subconsciously, you still don't believe that you're good enough, that you're worthy, that you're just figuring things out. So then the behavior is not going to match the six figure business identity. It's going to match that. I'm just figuring things out, meaning you're not going to be as consistent with uh, content. You are not going to show up and speak online with confidence and conviction. You're not going to send any dms for outreach. You're not going to hop onto a sales call. Do you see what I mean? It's gonna be scrappy, it's gonna be messy. It's gonna be perhaps confusing. And so we really, really, really need to change the identity first so that the behavior, the action is just a seamless follow through. It's just the byproduct of the identity. So that's what I wanna focus on today. How do we actually change our identity? I've come up with three ways, and these three ways are rooted in my experience, but also a combination of my clients' experiences, and then of course, people that I've lo love and know and trust and follow their work. Number one, raise. Your standards. I'm talking standards for yourself. I'm talking standards for your life, and I'm talking standards that of people that you let in your world on all levels, you raise your standards. Now, when I say to yourself, that's how you speak to yourself. What thoughts are we accepting and giving energy to what is making up our inner dialogue? The standard needs to be high. If you are looking to branch out and start and build your own thing, you have to become your cheerleader. Cheerleader. You have to clap the loudest for yourself initially, so you have to raise the standard of how you speak to yourself, and therefore that will naturally translate over how you speak to others and how you speak to your audience and how you speak to your clients. Number two, what you tolerate. So this is more so now, how are people treating you and what do they do in their life for a living in their day to day? What are their habits? What are their values? What are their priorities? How do they treat you as the main one, and do we tolerate it? And then what you accept from yourself. If we say we're gonna go do something, are we actually doing it or are we stuck in justifying all the reasons not to? Tony Robbins my favorite. He famously states that to create lasting change, you must raise your standards and transform your shoulds into musts. He emphasizes that people do not get what they want, but rather what they tolerate and demand of themselves. He notes. The only thing that changes our life long term is when we raise our standards. You will not accept anything less even in life now, right? Let's think about career. Perhaps you're listening to this and you feel like you're at a dead end job. And you've been there for a while, years perhaps, and you make okay money but not fuck you money, and your boss is kind of a dick, and your coworkers are also kind of dicks and don't really like the nature of the work and what you're even doing every day, or selling or managing, whatever your role is. Well then I would argue it is time to raise your standards. Let's not accept below minimum type of work anymore. Let's not accept a subpar career. You literally have one life and you spend most of that life at a job in your career working. Think about that for a minute. Majority of your time here on Earth, the literal hours is focusing on your work, on your job. And so why in the world would we accept anything less than. Amazing work life changing work. Let work that lights you up and you get paid what you deserve. I think it's time to raise your standards and you can apply that concept to every single part of your life, your relationships, whether it's. Friendships or perhaps a romantic relationship. The money you're making, how you're showing up online, how you're taking care of yourself and your body. Raise your standards. That is how you begin to change your identity. You can't change your identity with only one of these. You need all three of these. So that's just number one is raise your standards now. Number two, once you've decided I'm raising my standards in all of these buckets. Now you need to change your environment. And this is really fun you guys. And I remember when I went through this, it was such like a discovery and exploratory phase, as I like to call it. And what I mean by that to give you a concrete example. I decided to raise my standards and I was at my job that I could care less about. Now, again, company was amazing. People amazing. I personally was not lit up by the nature of software sales. That's what it was. And so I decided, you know what? I know this is not going to be my end all be all, but I don't know what my next step is going to be. Right? Lost and confused. But I knew if I just kind of sat there and pondered about that, well that's not really gonna change anything. That's not gonna, you know, change my mind or let me see new things and explore. So I knew I had to get myself out there. Just for the pure joy of it, just for the wonder of it, just with the childlike curiosity. Right. It wasn't going to another job. It wasn't defining how much money I needed to make or was going to make. I, I didn't know what I wanted to do and so I just tried more shit and I tried new shit with new people in new places and it allowed me to explore. Different types of people. Different types of cultures. Different types of jobs, like insane stuff that I Katya in my little bubble of reality would have never dreamed of. Right? So I started going to give you. Tangible examples here. I was still at my tech company, but every weekend I started to drive down from North Hollywood, which is where I lived, and I drove to Santa Monica, which is where my best friend at the time lived Every single weekend. I would go drive down there and literally hang out in her neighborhood with her. And meet her friends, and we talk about her work and we talk about where she was traveling to, and we talk about the money that she was making, and then we would just, you know, meet random people when we went out drinking, or again, her coworkers, her friends, whatever. And so that relationship allowed me to explore. More people, different people outside of than just my nine to five bubble as an example. I still didn't really know what I wanted to do, but it was so much fun doing this and exploring. So then I also went to, um, I moved to Chicago from Los Angeles. Oh, I think a lot of you know that already. And so Chicago was treated as my playground. And I say playground because. I moved there for my tech company, yes, but I was remote, so I didn't have my boss in the same city as me. I didn't have any coworkers in the same city as me, and I didn't have any friends or family members. I was brand spanking, new plopped into this huge new city. The only person I knew was Bert, my husband, who came with me. So I was able to play in Chicago and go to a coffee shop and go to fitness events, and go to wellness conferences and go by myself and meet all these new people, all these walks of life, and it was so much fucking fun. Truly, it was so much fun and bit by bit I started to put pieces together like, okay, this really lit me up. Okay, wow, this event was really exciting. Wow, I really loved this person and what they had to say about X, Y, Z. Wow, I can't believe so and so gets paid for this. You see what I mean? Every experience. Were the building blocks to then Katya figuring out, Ooh, okay, I really like this wellness fitness world. Let's lean into that. And then that's where social media and brand deals came about. So I had to change my environment. That was key number three. This is the last one, the biggest one. You have to take action before the belief is there. Her, you have to take action before the belief is there. Meaning you have to act like her before you fully feel like her. It's kind of like a gym, right? I always use the gym as an example because unfortunately it's ingrained in our head. And we all know just diets and losing weight as a reference point. Okay. Not that I agree with it, but here we are. Let's say I am 50 pounds overweight and I'm not, I'm not speaking from aesthetics. I'm speaking truly from health, like I am 50 pounds clinically overweight. I perhaps I might have high cholesterol, whatever it is, right? Like we're talking about health here. I'm 50 pounds overweight, and so. I wanna be fit and I wanna be toned and I wanna be 50 pounds lighter and I wanna feel healthy and strong and energized and I wanna feel vitality and I want to have longevity and right all the things. Okay, great. But before I get to that toned version, which is her, I have to go the 50 pounds overweight version. How do we close the gap? Well, I have to show up as that version of her before I'm actually her, before I'm actually 50 pounds lighter. So what does that mean? Well, I have to go walk. I have to go walk outside and get my steps in. That might be uncomfortable because there might be other people outside and we don't like how we look, and so we might feel insecure. Embarrassed, weak. Maybe we don't have cute clothes'cause they fit us weird. Right? But what would the 50 pound lighter version do? She'd probably be walking. So we have to show up as her before we are her. Is this making sense? We have to eat the foods that would. Reduce the size and allow us to lose those 50 pounds. It's not gonna happen by eating Pop-Tarts and Doritos unless you do the whole calorie counting macro thing, and it fits into your macros, which good for you. But I don't do that. I look at Whole Foods. I look at protein and that's about it. Okay? So you have to start taking the action. You have to go walk, you have to eat the good foods, you have to go to the gym before you ever even see any sliver of evidence that it's working, right?'cause that evidence is what creates the belief. I like, wow. Yeah, I'm her. I'm 50 pounds lighter. Well, the 50 pounds is the proof, is the evidence. It's the number on the scale, but you don't have that yet. You have to go walk outside before you even get there. You don't know if you'll even get there, but you still have to go walk, and then you have to eat all the, all the nutritious foods. Before you ever see that number on the scale. Do you see what I mean? You have to take action and you have to take action that is aligned with the version of her before you feel like you're her, right, and that guess what takes a lot of courage. It is courageous to step outside your house when you don't feel comfortable. It's courageous to put yourself as the first priority above work, above your spouse, above your children. It's courageous to put yourself online before you have a six figure coaching business because you have to act like you already have the six figure coaching business. Right. And then it's the mental chatter of who are you to do this? And you don't have the following. You don't have the customers, you don't have the testimonials, you don't have the money in the bank account. Well bitch, it's gonna be there, but everybody starts from zero. Hello? There's not one person that started with an Instagram account with, oh, here's already a thousand followers, or Here's already a 10 K at the top of your profile. No, everyone started a new account and everyone has to post and everyone grows two, whatever number they're at. Is this making sense? So if you keep promises to yourself and if you keep making decisions that are aligned with the version of her that you want to become, and you keep taking courageous action, well now you start collecting evidence and that evidence. Gets to build and redefine your identity, right? That new proof gets to outweigh the old proof, the new evidence gets to replace the old evidence. It's really fucking cool. So now you might start believing, yeah, I am decisive, or I am worthy. I am capable. I do follow through things and therefore now I feel confident. Last story and then I'll get to this, uh, workshop that I promised earlier in the podcast. When I was, when I invested into my first business coach, he gave me the blueprint, right? He gave me the roadmap, you need to do this, Katya, and you will get this. So do x, get Y. And it was really hard for me to believe him. Yeah, because I was like, yeah, okay, cool. It worked for you. And when I see you, admittedly, I put him on a pedestal because he already had at the time, north of 500,000 followers. And that was just on Instagram. Mind you, that wasn't even considering his TikTok, following his YouTube following and his podcast following, or downloads I should say. And so when he told me, yeah, just reach out to people, just DM them. I was like, well, yeah, if your name popped up in their dms, they'd be like, holy shit. Of course I'm gonna respond to this guy. But when I go and DM people, they don't know who the fuck Kati Lillian is, unless you do. I love you so much. But if you don't, it's like, who, who is this chick? I don't know her. I'm not gonna respond. Right? Tho those were the thoughts that were going on in my head and I had to catch myself and I had to be like, bitch, you just invested$75 into this man. Into, in, in, into his program. And he is quite literally telling you exactly how he did it. And how he continues to do it in our digital age, 20, 20, whatever year it was, 20 22, 20 23. Uh, social media landscape. And so you're gonna sit here and you're gonna watch his videos, and you're gonna do, as he says. Even if the thoughts are, I can't do this, I'm not enough. Who am I to do this? I don't have a name like him. I don't have a following like him. I don't have a sales background like him. I just literally said, follow the plan. Just follow the plan. It was a three month group coaching program, so just for three months. Katya, shut up, put your head down and work. And guess what? I started to show up and I started to follow through, and I did the task that he gave me to do, even though I didn't believe it was possible for me, I still took action and over time, I think it was two and a half months, maybe two months, that action led to my first high ticket coaching client. And she said yes, and she paid me thousands of dollars. And so now that win and that money in the bank account is now what the evidence and the proof that this is possible and that I can do it. And then I was just rinse and repeat until I hit six figures. Right, so you have to take action before the belief is there. Okay. I promised you I would leave you with a little workshop. It's pretty simple but powerful. So I want you to think of, and if you're listening to this and you're in a place where you can write, you know, with a pen, journal, paper, whatever you have, maybe even your notes app on your phone, whatever it is. But I would write down a belief that you have that is not powering. So think of whatever you wanna do. Do you wanna build the business? Do you wanna hit the dollar amount? Do you want to lose the weight? Whatever it is. But what is there? What's the belief that's getting in the way? What's stopping you? I'm not good enough. I'm not smart enough. I'm nervous about X. What if I fail? What is the belief? And I want you to write it, and if you're writing right now, it's okay, but, but look at the words that you're writing and I want you to put it into more of a statement like, I am shy. I am not smart enough. I am not experienced something with the I am.'cause what we're trying to do is list or write down an identity statement so that we can challenge it, break it, and re-identify. Some others. I am a smoker. I am a procrastinator. I, I don't know. I'm making this up. I'm stupid. We're usually really mean to ourselves. So just write it out. And now I want you to read that sentence and I want you to break it apart. By saying first, I am a person. I am a human, which everyone resonates with you more, who believes they are a smoker, who believes they are shy, who believes they are not good enough. It's critical to write that first part of the statement down, though I am a human who believes. Insert your phrase. What you just did with that action step is you broke away from your identity. You realize, okay, hold up. Blank slate over here. I'm just a person. I am a human being who at some point chose to believe whatever the statement is. Okay, so now since we've separated that belief, now we want to attack that belief and understand, well, where did this belief come from? Did someone tell you one time that you were not smart enough? Did someone make fun of you for how you speak? Did your mom ever say anything to you? Did your dad ever say anything to you? Did you have a negative experience at a school? Did a partner do or say anything to you? Try to remember key moments. Maybe there's one, maybe there's multiple that would support this belief. Mine was, I'm not smart enough amongst many, and it was when I was thinking about becoming and starting my own coaching business, right? The belief was, well, I'm not smart enough. I've never done it before. And so the belief came from. The, I would say the school system, right? Not geared towards entrepreneurship. And so because I didn't do it before, I then believed, well, I can't just like create it on a thin air, can I? So once you have that written down, now I want you to just simply ask, is this an opinion or is this fact, is this absolute truth where wherever this belief came from, or I should say who it came from. More often than not, it's from someone. Now, if it's from someone, is it their opinion or is it fact? Is it absolute truth? Now, if it's an opinion, 99% of them are. If it's an opinion, would we like to agree with that opinion or can we disagree with that opinion? And if we disagree with that opinion, what would you like the new opinion to be? What's your opinion on the matter now and in this day and age, analyzing and reflecting on this belief? It is time to update it just like we update our phones, right? It's just time to update the software. So simple. I do believe I'm good enough. I do believe I'm smart enough. I do believe I'm capable. Two more steps. The next one, give yourself proof and evidence of why that new opinion is true. I am smart enough because a smart person. The way I define a smart person does what is best for them and follows their highest excitement. A smart person is not logical, but they are emotionally intelligent and I am emotionally intelligent. Therefore, I am smart enough. Another example. I am good enough because I'm a human being. I don't need to earn love. I don't need to be considered worthy. I don't need someone to tell me I'm good enough because of money in the bank account, because of clothes I wear, because the house I live in or own. I'm good enough because I simply am. I think therefore, I am. I am capable because I'm a human being and because I have a brain and because I have a phone and because I have loved ones and friends and family in my corner. And because I have a desire on my heart and because I have dreams and I've always figured it out, I've had challenges before. I've had mishaps before. I've had people do shitty stuff to me before, and yet I'm still here and therefore I am more than capable. Do you see what I mean? This shit is so powerful. Now, once you have evidence and proof written down, I want you to write that new opinion into another belief statement that I am so it it's rooted in your identity. That's the final step. I am smart enough. I am capable. I am worthy, and I want you to let that sink in, maybe even close your eyes, hand over your heart. I just truly want you to feel that new statement. And now we can take that new statement, lock it into our identity, and let your behavior follow, let your action steps follow. Okay? That's what I have for you this week. If anything about. The first series, or I'm sorry, the first episode of this series or this episode resonated with you. Take a screenshot or just DM me on Instagram. That's where I live. And tag me or say hi. At Katia, Lillian, and I would love to connect. I would love to see if that workshop helped you. I would love to hear what you think about the Ident Ident identity series. Why is that word so hard to say? I don't know. Anyways, thank you in advance for being here and reaching out to me. I appreciate you all so much, and until next week for our third and final episode of the Identity Series, I'll see you then.