How To Stay Calm When Everything Around You Is Chaos

This episode is for anyone who has ever looked at their to-do list and felt immediately underwater. Katja is recording from a house mid-renovation, with a toddler on the loose, two dogs to fly across the country, and a mastermind launch happening all in the same month. And she is not spiraling. In this episode, she breaks down exactly how she is navigating one of the most packed seasons of her life without white-knuckling it to the end of May.

She gets real about the mental load women carry, the guilt of working when your kid is awake, the grief of actually getting what you asked for, the comparison trap, and the very real physical toll of unprocessed stress. But more than that, she offers tools that she is actively using in real time, including a single word swap that immediately shifted how she felt about all of it.

This one is practical, honest, and deeply relatable. Whether you are a mom, a coach, an entrepreneur, or just someone in a season that feels like a lot, this episode will help you breathe again.

What You'll Learn:

• The overflow reframe and why it changes everything
• How to do a brain dump and actually use it
• Why the guilt, the grief, and the comparison are all part of growth
• What dis-ease becoming disease actually means, and why stress is not something to push through

Resources and Links:

• She-E-O Waitlist: https://www.katjalillian.com/waitlist

Transcript

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Hello, and welcome to this week's episode of the Building Her podcast. I'm your host, Katia Lillian. If you've been loving this podcast, go ahead and rate the podcast five stars and DM me on Instagram when you do that because I want to connect and personally thank you. If you are new here, hit that subscribe button. It really helps the podcast grow, and that way you will never miss an episode. So let's dive in. Hey, my name is Katia Lilian, and I am obsessed with all things mindset, personal development, and helping you build the best version of yourself. I'm a women's life and mindset coach and an entrepreneur who started a fun hobby of posting#sweatyselfies, grew a successful side hustle, and now I run a six-figure coaching business. I teach you the secret of building a life that aligns with your deepest values and one that you wake up excited for. This podcast is designed to expand your mind and challenge the status quo. So get ready to uplevel your life and let's start building her. As I record this episode, I am sitting here in my office, and what you don't see are all of the toys from my daughter, and then outside of my office you don't see the clutter and just the chaos that is my house right now. Um, the reason why I share that is because there's so much going on. So first of all, having almost a two-year-old toddler, she just gets into everything, and I feel like it's always chaotic in our household. We also have our two dogs, and, um, we're actually re-homing one of them because he doesn't do well with her. Just to my parents' house, so still a good home, but still, um, it's just chaos. And she gets through, gets through everything and messes with everything, and as much as I try to clean up after her and organize everything, um, I feel like it's just never clean enough, that I'm always just kind of like maintaining as much as I can. And then, um, in addition to that, Bert just... Well, he's finishing our first home renovation project, which was a laundry room and a storage closet. And so now there were like so many doors, and, uh, a window trim that was blue, and the whole laundry and storage closet room was not insulated, and so we didn't have, um, an HVAC, like air conditioning unit possibility to get there. So it was really hot, like you were walking into a sauna, hence why we had the door. So he insulated everything. He got a neighbor to help him with that part, and then we were able to remove the doors and, uh, repainted and, um, got some shelving from IKEA, a cabinet. So where the storage closet was, now it's like a whole pantry. Um, maybe I can pop some vi- uh, photos here. Maybe next week,'cause then it'll be like officially done. Right now it's still in transition. But so that's going on, and so there's like contract tur- contractor like tools everywhere, toolboxes, toolkits. Um, in addition to the mudroom, he started removing a trim off of a doorway, and then we're also adding a coffee bar. It's just a whole thing over here, you guys. And so me mentally, it is feeling very cluttered. They always say physical clutter is mental clutter and vice versa. If there's physical clutter, it's a representation of the mental clutter that you have. And so while that is true- Um, and normally I would always keep my spaces clean, and I definitely know the feeling and the energy that that provides. But there's also a very, like, realness. Other moms listening, I'm sure you'll get this. But it's like I still have to work. I still have to show up in the midst of chaos, right? In the midst of a messy home because I have a two-year, almost two-year-old. So yeah, there's gonna be toys and shit everywhere, and I can't constantly keep cleaning because that takes also time and energy, and we've got a business to run. We've got clients to s- to serve. We've got a mastermind to launch. Like, there's so many other things that I have to spend my limited window of time on. So, um, it's been interesting finding, like, calm and ease despite the chaos and disorganization and clutter around me. And when I thought of today's episode, I was like, wow, like, there's so much clutter outside, and therefore it could seep in my brain and be that mental clutter. But there are also some things that I'm doing that help me stay a little bit more sane despite everything around me that's going on with the contractor renovation job, with shit and toys everywhere from my daughter, and then also just the timing of everything. It's May, and there's just a lot going on this month for us. So I'm launching the fourth round of She-e-o. Yay. If you don't know anything about it, there's a link down in the show notes below, um, where you can learn more, and you can also even get on the wait list. People on the wait list, um, will save even more money. They get an exclusive discount just for them. So if there, if there is any desire on your heart to join us in She-e-o, which is a mastermind for early and aspiring coaches, I would highly recommend you getting on the wait list because you save the most amount of money there. But I'm launching She-e-o this month, and then we're also going back to Cali this month. We were originally going to do a road trip. If you listen to the podcast you know that I... You know, two, three episodes ago I shared that. Um, but we looked at all of the, mm, what do you call it? Logistics. And I was mapping out how long each destination would take, and then I put that on my calendar to, like, visually see what would, like, a six-hour chunk be, what would an eight-hour chunk be, you know, that kind of stuff. And it did not look appealing whatsoever because we planned ten days. And then when you fit that all in ten days, there was only two locations, Austin and Santa Fe, New Mexico, where we could actually stay, uh, two nights and actually enjoy the city and enjoy the location before we hit the road again. And I'm a road trip type person that actually wants to stay and enjoy the location because I have clients. I have clie- I have a client in Destin, Florida, which would be on our way to New Orleans. Um, peers from my mastermind that I'm in, they're in Austin, Texas. Um, a previous mentor slash coach is in Austin, Texas. So, like, I want time to meet my coach or my clients and then my other fellow coaches and my mastermind, but that wasn't going to be the case. And I was like,"Then what are we doing all this for?" Like, it feels way too rushed, like a wake up and go type situation, and that's not the vision that I had in my head, unless we were to, gosh, leave like today, tomorrow, right?'Cause you need that amount of time. And maybe one day we will, which is more of like sprinter van, camping RV kind of vibe, which still sounds so much fun, especially with a, a daughter. Um, but not right now, not for this trip. So we changed our mind, and we are now flying out May twenty-third. So that's what? Two, three weeks. Um, but the caveat with all of this is we have to bring our dogs, right?'Cause we're re-homing one of them. So now I'm feeling a little anxiety because I've never flown with dogs before, and I don't know how that works with medication and all that stuff. So there's just more things that have been added to my plate in terms of, you know, calling the vet, getting the medication, getting crates, the kennels, crates for them because I think they can't go by our feet. They're not service animals. Teddy's probably too big anyways. Um, so then, you know, we have to give them medication first, see a test run, how do they respond to it, um, have them in the crates a little bit more this month, so they're a bit more used to it before we go on our flight. Have to pack. I have to make sure everything is good to go for the She-E-O launch and the prep and emails and... Right? When you think about all of that, it's very easy to get overwhelmed. And I tend to actually get overwhelmed when there's a lot going on, and I usually, um, fall into this, like, stress type of energy because the thoughts around it is there's so much to do. There's not enough time. This is an overwhelming list. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I used to keep it all in my head, right? Um, there's a few things that I'll offer you guys that, um, hopefully resonates and that actually helps you because it helps me. I'm using it in real time. But before I get to that, I just wanna share that, um I, I've had to reframe what this entire season is, right? Because I think a lot of us, it's so easy, especially as moms, you feel stressed, you feel overwhelmed, you feel anxiety. There's not enough time in the day, if that's something that you catch yourself saying. Um, and while I'll get to, like, I wanna just validate more on a deeper level the actual feelings and experiences that lead up to those feelings, right? Like the mental load that we as women carry, uh, guilt of not being present, uh, weird grief that you might be feeling for something that you actually, um, asked for, comparison spiral. You know, there's so much, it's, it's exhausting, and I'll get to all of that. But, um, I just wanna share in real time how I'm dealing with all of this and what actually is helping me still do a lot of shit, but in the energy of calm and ease. Because pre-baby, I would've just white-knuckled it to the finish line. Like, to the end of May, let's just get shit done, and you know, that's kind of how I've built my business, just very hustle, hyper-masculine energy. And then I had my daughter, and I was like,"That's not sustainable, and I just don't want to run a business like that anymore. It's just not suitable for the long term." And so it was more of, like, a standard I set my- for myself, a rule of, like, I'm not gonna stress my way to success any longer. My, uh, husband would always say that, right? Like, I stress my way to success, and that's just not, that's not it anymore. It's, you know, old chapter. Writing a new chapter over here. So the biggest thing that I've done, this is the first, like, hopefully tangible tip for you if you're in a busy season and you're feeling stressed and overwhelmed and all that stuff, is a reframe that this doesn't need to be stressful. This doesn't need to be, um, you know, a crazy season, a busy season. All those words actually create that experience, right? So if I constantly say,"Ugh, I'm so busy," and,"Oh, there's so much going on," and,"Oh, I'm so overwhelmed," and,"This is such a crazy season," and blah blah blah blah, okay? Or month or week or whatever it is. Um, what I have found works better for me is reframing that word, like busy season or stressful season, to overflow season. There's other words you can use, abundance season or, you know, whatever, but overflow re- Resonated with me. Um, when I asked Claude about this, my girl Claude... Is it a girl? I think it's a girl. So my girl Claude, um, was telling her, like,"This is what we're doing. This is how much stuff is happening. I need a different word" because I know with the work that I do, words have energy behind them. Words have meaning. They shape the experience that you actually experience. And Claude spit out a few options, but overflow was one of them. And I was like, ah, what if I looked at this month of May as an overflow season? So there's a lot of shit going on, and there's a lot of stuff I want to do, and there's a lot of stuff I need to do for She-E-O, and conversations I'm having, and people wanting to get on the wait list. Like, there's just a lot of activity. You... It's, like, spiked up. Um, but that's because I'm in my overflow season. So I guess two parts with that. Number one, my cup is full. Katia is good. Katia is sane. Katia is remembering to take care of herself. She is still always priority number one, right? We're getting our walks in. We're drinking our water. We're going to hot Pilates. We're doing hot yoga. We're doing a girl dinner situation for Mother's Day. Like, I still get to live. I still get to put me as number one. But, um, everyone else that I'm helping and that I'm working with and, and everything that I'm doing and launching, well, that's the overflow there. That's the extra energy that people get to, um, benefit from, right, based off of everything that I'm doing, right? If I decide I'm stressed and I'm overwhelmed, and then I'm gonna push this, and I cancel that, and I can't do that, well, now nobody gets to benefit from what's on my heart and what I was actually going to birth into the world, right? If I just say,"Ah, no, no She-E-O. Sorry, girls," well, then all the early and aspiring female coaches in my audience, just leave them high and dry, and now they don't get to learn and build a business with yours truly? That seems selfish, right? That doesn't... They don't get to benefit from my overflow. Um, so I really like that idea of, like, the energy that I'm pouring into myself and then therefore others get to benefit from the overflow. And then in addition, and what I really like about it, is that I get to do all of this stuff. It's not about, oh, I have to do this, and I have to call Delta, and I have to go get crates, and I have to get medication for my dogs, and I have... It's like, bitch- You get to go on a flight with your family, bring your two dogs with you that you can pay for, and all the, all the abundance there, the flights, the dogs, the... Like, that's all additional charges, and you get to pay to go to California to spend the entire summer with your family because you've built a, a coaching business that you get to l- work and live from wherever,'cause it's freedom of money, time, and location. That's overflow, right? Like, you get to do all of these things. You get to build a business online. You get to launch She-e-o for the fourth time. You get to give the opportunity to women to have amazing results, whether they sign their first client and they charge thousands of dollars for, which they never thought would be possible, or if it's their fifth client and it's raised prices and different structure where it's from weekly to bi-weekly, or help women launch a podcast. I mean, you get to do all of these things. And the immediate feeling I had when I read Overflow was calm and ease, but more so, like, expansion and abundance. Like, I get to have a busy calendar and get a lot of shit done and impact a lot of lives and help a lot of women in the energy of calm and ease while still prioritizing me and my health and my happiness and my energy, and still get to live a life that I want to live. How amazing is that? And so that reframe, and I share this as number one, is because it's pretty powerful, right? I am in an overflow season, not stressed, busy. Like, cut that shit out. That is noise. That's not gonna help you. Overflow season from here on out, and that's this month, that's this week. Or maybe you're gonna have a busy summer or a busy fall, whatever, but you can always come back to that overflow season. Now, in addition to that, I also wanted to share and, and just validate a little bit more on a deeper level of other things that we women carry that adds to the stress, right? Because I think sometimes when we say- Busy season and therefore it's overwhelming, therefore it's stressful. Well, immediately we're, we're demonizing busy as bad, and a lot of that is actually self-inflicted, right? So number one, as an example, everyone always talks about the mental load that women carry, and then especially moms, right? And I absolutely know what that mental load is all about. Been there, done that, still have that, right? It's like it doesn't stop, um, even when you're off. So, like, you know, I go to hot yoga Sunday mornings, and I'll, I'll be sitting there in Shavasana... Sorry, I'll be laying there in Shavasana, and it's like mind is running a mile a minute of like,"Okay, what am I gonna do after this yoga class?" And then,"Okay, I need to respond to those voice notes." And then,"Okay, oh shit, gotta call my mom back." And then,"Okay, gotta have those emails." And then,"Oh shit, SheEO, gotta launch this email." Whatever it is, right? It, it's like this running list in our mind. You can literally physically see the steam come out of our head, and by all means, that was me. Still is me sometimes. I've gotten better. The way I work on that, and the way... and, and the things that have been helping me, I should say, is number one, a brain dump. So take everything that is creating this mental load, your running checklist or to-do list in your head, and dump it out on paper, okay? This is why I love journaling,'cause journaling is also a way to, like, see your thoughts on paper, good, bad, everything in between, and actually just visually see it, right? It makes you think and look at it a different way. Same thing with a brain dump list. If I can get all my thoughts on paper, uh, you know, just a running list of, okay, call Delta, buy carriers, g- uh, call vet, get vac- get vaccination, get medication, um, uh, book hotel, buy dress for the wedding, call mom, right? It's like this running list. So you just empty out your brain onto paper, and now we can visually see it. And now, step number two, let's divide and conquer, right? Depending on, of course, what it is, or business maybe can delegate, you know, whatever, outsource. But I like a divide and conquer thing, especially in the context of my example, because, um, all the examples I just listed, well, divide and conquer with my partner, right? So,"Hey, Burt, could you run to the vet today and get the, uh, medication that we need?""Hey, could you call Delta to ask how much it is to ship our dogs?" Hey, you know? And divide up, divvy up this list that you had ca- And you were carrying in your mind, can we offload some of that? Now, that's my partner and that's my example, but do you have family nearby? Do you have a sister? Do you have a brother? Do you have a nanny? Do you have a babysitter? Like, can we give some of the work that needs to be done to them, right? So that's the mental load. I, I don't think it's fair for women to carry all of that, and I also don't think it's necessary, right? Like, one, communicate always, um, of what you're carrying and the mental load. But then two, let's include our partner. And, and I'm still getting used to that, right? But, um, that's been helping a lot during this season. Number two is the guilt. So right now I'm recording this here in my office, and there's a little bit of me that feels guilt of like, why aren't you spending time with your daughter? She's up. She's not napping. I hear her right now. I think she's playing instruments and listening to Miss Rachel. Watching Miss Rachel. And as soon as I'm done with this, I'm gonna go for a play date, um, here locally with another mom friend, right? So there's guilt right here, right now that I am spending my time working away from my daughter. And I know a lot of women feel this way, not even just as moms, but just like, okay, I'm doing one thing, right, and I wanna be present, but I also feel guilty that I'm not over here. And so we feel guilt that I'm not where my feet are, right? Because I've so many things on my mind, and I feel so busy and scatterbrained, that I absolutely am not present in this conversation over coffee, on a phone call, on a FaceTime date, right? Like, even if you're a coach, are you present for your clients? Right? Are we actually showing up for them, and are we giving them our undivided attention? That's actually why I always have Zoom calls where I share video versus a phone call because I don't want them multitasking, right? I don't want them driving a car. Like, you're gonna sit here, and you're gonna sit with me with your undivided attention for an hour because that's how we can tap into the real stuff, right? Like breathwork and presence and emotions and tears. Like, that's how we start to make change. So I've been practicing wherever I am and whatever I'm doing, especially for work, she's okay, we can have some separation, knowing also what a fun day I have planned after this to go to that play date, right? Or to make dinner together or whatever it is. So it, it's giving yourself this permission to not be there twenty-four/seven. Now, I am not at the point where I'm like- Business number one and then my children, where I'm out all day every day with podcast guest recordings and travel and, and speaking and all this stuff. Like, I absolutely could focus on all of that stuff and blow my business up in a good way, but that's just not my priority right now, and that doesn't feel like success for me right now, right? In this season of life and th- at this stage of motherhood, it feels m- so much better working from home, serving my clients, running my group programs, building digital courses. Yes, I'm building digital courses. Um, and like, as I'm able, right? In pockets of time during my week, I literally work now three, max four hours a day, and I still run m- north of a six-figure-a-year company. Like, how wild is that, right? And so when I work, it's like I'm not feeling guilty because I know a lot of my time is with my daughter and being present with her. Number three is this, like, weird grief that a lot of women have. Um, and I see this actually more in the entrepreneurial world, so shifting gears from motherhood for a minute. It's almost like, you know, you want the thing. So for example, I want to launch She-E-O this month, and I'm going to, and I've already, you know, announced it or whatever. But it's like when you're in it then, right? Like,"Okay, I'm, I'm launching this thing," then there's like grief of that season that you asked for. Isn't that weird, right? Like,"Oh, I, I wanna launch this thing or the podcast or this group program, and you know, I wanna have this consultation and sign this client'cause she's a dream soul client." And then it's like well, it actually then works or it actually happens, and then you're like,"Oh, shit," like"I wish I had nothing" or,"I wish I had less, but I asked for this, and now I have all this new, like, responsibility, and I have to serve now my client." I can't tell you how many times I work with someone, they sign a client, and they're like,"Oh, shit, like now what?" Right? Like,"How do I serve them? And now we're working together for, you know, three months, six months, like what do I do now?" And, and it's still uncomfortable, right? But, but it's like you asked for this blessing. So it, it's this grief of like the season that came before, you'd actually prefer it versus the season that you're in. And with that grief, I always share it's like new level, new devil, right? Like, you asked for this. And it's gonna be hard. There's gonna be different devils popping up. Like, maybe you conquered perfectionism, but now self-doubt's there. Now comparison is there, right? Like, take your pick. That's why people renew for years. I, I have a client now, my longest client, it's, it's gonna be four years. She just renewed for the rest of the year. And, um, it's because you make progress and it's because you grow. And so you thought maybe self-doubt was the thing, hence why you even started to work t- with me, but then now it's like perfectionism revealed itself, or comparison revealed itself, because it's like the new level requires a different version of you, and meaning the old version of you needs to die. That's the grief part, right? You have to let that version go,'cause she can't come with you, in order for you to go and continue growing, right? And so with the grief process, I'm just like,"Welcome it. Embrace it with open arms. Understand that this is just a part of it," right? And then the comparison spiral where, you know, sometimes we can judge ourselves if we feel stressed or overwhelmed, then we're automatically thinking,"Well, so and so must not have this problem, because they seem to handle it all fine," right? Or especially people you see online. Emma Grieder is coming up for me,'cause she's been in the spotlight for a while with her book, um, Start With Yourself. And I really... I, I love, like, the way she speaks and the way she carries herself, and just total, like, boss babe vibes. Um, although I don't really aspire to be like that, which is funny,'cause that's her podcast name. But my point is, it's like I could absolutely compare myself and my journey and my season and my stage to her, not knowing her and not knowing what's going on behind the scenes, but just looking at the highlight reel that I see, right? And comparing, like,"Oh, well Emma definitely must not be going through this. She must never feel overwhelmed. She must never feel stressed. Look, she can handle it all. She's got a book. She's got this. She's got that. She's on a different level." And it's like, well, that's not, that's not fair to you, because you, you don't know her. You don't know what's going on behind the scenes. You have no idea how much support she has, the staff, the team, the, the executive assistants, the VAs. Also at home she has four kids, the nannies, the babysitters, the maids, the chefs. Like, we have no idea. I think she was even on an interview talking about,"Let's stop talking about what I do, and let's start talking about what I don't do,"'cause the list of- Not doing something is actually longer than what I do. Did I say that right? The list of what I don't do is longer than what I do. And I really appreciated that from her because, again, there's this superwoman complex that we women have of like,"I can do it all." And it's like, no, bitch, you can't, nor should you, right? Like, let's lessen the expectations of all the shit that you think you can do and want to do, and let's outsource, let's delegate, let's automate, let's streamline, let's ask for help, let's do all the things, lighten the mental load up so that you can do what you want to, and grow, permission to grow at your pace. Right? Like, I've had to give myself that permission. Um, the minute you go into the spiral of your age and I'm not there yet, and I should have been there already a long time ago, and just, like, self-judgment. What for? Right? Like, I had to push all that to the side, and it's like, no, no, no. Like, I genuinely love my business. I love the money it brings in. I love the clients I get to work with. I love, love, love, without a doubt, the white space in my calendar. Like, this type of business at this stage and this chapter and this season of life feels really good to me, so why the hell would I compare to someone who seemingly is always on the road and always doing shit and doing that, and do... Like, that doesn't appeal to me. The boss babe vibe does not appeal to me, right? And so it's not fair to compare. Comparison is the thief of joy, as we all know. So I would much rather focus on me and water my garden so that it can truly feel so rich and alive and abundant, which is, hello, why we all want our own business and a, a freedom-based business in the first place. Um, and then the last thing I would say about busyness and stress and all that stuff is just the pure exhaustion that comes with it, and that is also unfair to you, and that's also just not sustainable. I mean, think about how exhaustion could fester into other things, right? Like, um, they say dis-ease with a hyphen, right? Two words. Dis- the dis-ease will actually turn into disease, and that, I believe that with my whole heart because I've seen so many people from- Far and wide, but also very close to home, where they don't deal with the emotions, the mental load, the, the judgment, the shoulds, the comparison, the, just the weight of negative emotions, and baggage, and expectations that are self-inflicted, the superwoman syndrome. Like, all of that. Just imagine carrying that, okay? And then I want you to think, close your eyes, and think five years from now, and 10 years from now, 15 years from now, 20 years from now. How does that weight multiply? It's not gonna go away. If anything, it gets heavier, and heavier, and heavier, and actually harder to unwind and offload because you don't know. You haven't been practicing. You haven't been voicing your needs. You haven't been communicating. And so that heaviness of emotions absolutely festers in your body, and then it turns into physical disease. So that's actually something really, really important because when we talk about stress, isn't it, like, the I, I'm paraphrasing, uh, don't quote me on this, but it's like the number one killer is stress, especially with aging too, might I add. But we've got to learn how to deal with our emotions, and put less stress on ourselves, and slow down this timeline to this our, like, this artificial ti- finish line. Like, that doesn't exist. It doesn't exist, okay? I'm kind of on a tangent here now with this last one, but permission to let stuff go, permission to ask for help, permission to communicate, and communicate, and communicate, and over-communicate some more, permission to be present, permission to get off your phone, permission is just not respond to the email today. Like you're okay. You're, you're adding that stress and busyness to your own plate. It is self-inflicted. And while, yes, there's absolu- absolutely months, days, weeks that are busier than others,'cause there's just more stuff on your calendar, totally get it, but we can also expand our capacity to hold it all. So I hope the reframe from whatever negative low-vibe word you were using to an overflow season really, really h- helps just shape the view that you look at all the stuff that you're doing. And then the list that I gave you of the mental load and the guilt and the grief of growing and, uh, of the season that you asked for and that you're in, but it might not feel so good, the comparison, um, and then just the pure exhaustion. I, I really hope some of my tips and reframes help you during this season. So I love you so much. Thank you so much for listening and tuning in every single week. I will catch you next Friday.