Resisting the Urge to Merge

In this episode of Spiritual Unraveling, hosts Nate and Ashley explore the concept of resisting the urge to merge, emphasizing the importance of maintaining one's own energetic frequency in social situations. They discuss the significance of acknowledging personal experiences, the value of self-love and sovereignty, and practical techniques for staying centered and grounded. The conversation highlights the role of self-acceptance and emotional hygiene in spiritual growth, encouraging listeners to embrace their authentic selves while navigating interactions with others.

Transcript

Nate (00:01.772)

Welcome everyone to Spiritual Unraveling with Ashley and Nate. And on this week's show, are going to discuss the idea of resisting the urge to merge. This has been showing up a lot for me. It feels like a crystallizing of coming out of codependency of becoming kind of a

a more fully realized person that is not deeply in people pleasing and in merging my energy and merging my social outlook or my psychological demeanor, all of these things. We can talk about it many levels, but really for me, I think about when we merge with people, we read a room and we energetically merge or we socially merge.

or we kind of psychologically merge in terms of trying to fit in. And it's a way that we can achieve what we think is safety. And it's by dimming our light or matching the energy of the people in the room. And I have been unraveling this as our kind of podcast describes this as a process of spiritual awakening.

When it happens, these patterns start to become very obvious and they're also very old and kind of insidious. So you have to be, for me, I'm in a place where I'm very vigilant with it, making sure that when I'm in a heightened social or emotional situation that I just tune in and not try to match frequencies.

or energy with other people who may be in pain, suffering, anger, or frustration, some lower density feelings. And so the podcast, we're really gonna talk about resisting that urge and then finding the power to hold your own frequency, your own resonance, and to also acknowledge that your energetic frequency and resonance deserves to exist. It is important for you to put your authentic energy out there.

Nate (02:24.354)

so that you can call in people that are matching your frequency and you can hopefully raise the vibration of the people that you're around. So Ashley, what do you think about this topic? I know you have some thoughts.

Ashley Henderson (02:37.142)

Well, I do have some thoughts, but first I want to say that was so well put. really, I feel, I can feel even how, in how you're talking about it, how much work you've done and how clearly you can see these patterns. And I think on some level we're all grappling with it to some degree, at least anybody who's listening to our podcast is probably grappling with this to some degree. So I just want to acknowledge how

Nate (03:00.824)

Mm-hmm.

Ashley Henderson (03:05.686)

Clearly you articulated that and what it opened up for me is this idea of like one aspect of it being denying your own experience. So for example, if you're in relationship with somebody or an experience with somebody who has what you were calling like a low density vibration or frequency or just negativity, victim mindset,

you know, just kind of like gossipy or any, it could be anything. And there's just a part of you that might be a really small voice or a louder voice that says, I don't like that, but that's not a match for me. That often what we learned as kids is to deny that voice because maybe we're afraid of it. Like, whoa, if I admit that, if I let myself have that feeling, I'm gonna hurt somebody.

Or I'll never be able to get out of it. I'll be at the mercy of this person or something. You know, as a little kid, kind of have, you don't have a lot of agency in your life. And so if you feel I don't like this, but that's, that doesn't seem to be what the messaging is around you. Then we kind of shove that down. And so the first step for me has really been acknowledging

you know, my own experience and sometimes, you know, my own authentic experience could be anger, you know, or hurt, or guilt. And then I get to work with that, but it's mine, right? So, so then I get to like work with that energy when I'm really paying attention to it, rather than trying to manipulate the other person to not be acting the way that they're acting or

matching their energy to try to raise their vibration or get them out of that experience. It's like really just first step acknowledging this is this isn't a match for me or I don't like this. That's just been revelatory for me. And then and then the next thing that I really or did you have something you wanted to say about that?

Nate (05:28.542)

I will totally agree that that is very important and a big piece of this is getting in touch with your own feelings and really

owning your feelings, understanding that your feelings are valid because they're yours, they don't. So I guess the one thing I will insert here just at very beginning of this conversation, because I think it could slide one way or the other if we don't put this disclaimer out there, is to really think about everything that we're talking about from a neutral or non-judgmental place. And this is a thing that has helped me.

in my urge to merge my codependency because I have always come from this very empathetic and caring place. Like I want to help the people in my life feel better. So I'll urge my and I'll merge my energy and try to raise them up or at least be in their same energetic resonance so that they're not alone. Right. That's the feeling. But in that process, I deny my feelings and I'm left alone. But the thing that

really helped me kind of counteract that overly developed sensitivity and like empathy feeling is to acknowledge that everybody is in their experience in their low, maybe their low density feelings or energy for a reason. It's a growth pattern for them. Their higher self is their soul is choosing to have that dense experience because the soul wants it.

in the human agreed to it on some level and they're the only ones who can mine that experience for its nuggets. They're the only ones that can come and raise their vibration up. Nobody can do that for them. And there's nothing wrong with being in low density energy. So that one piece, just, cause I could feel it in me too, that became an easy.

Nate (07:35.03)

It made it all a little bit easier to resist the urge to merge when I could trust that people were getting something very important out of their experience of those kind of denser energies and that it's not my job to speed them through their growth process. It's my job to come back into my own energy. Yeah, what do you think?

Ashley Henderson (07:56.47)

.

Well, I love that you said that and it was similar to where I was heading, it feels good because it's true. Right? And so whenever something is true, it tends to land in a deeper way. But there's also this idea too that those people that are showing up in our lives are actually helping us connect to ourselves.

If everybody we ever interacted with and everybody on the planet was in sort of an alignment with our own vibration, we would never have to find ourselves or discover ourselves or have this self-realization process. So there's a way that even those are our teachers, people who are in a different residence with us. The idea of really being able to hold on to your own energy and ground into your own energy is

is an aspect of spiritual awakening. It's an aspect of self-realization. I've been like even maybe going beyond neutrality to saying like, thank you. Thank you for helping me find this part in myself because it's, know, merging with you has not worked. It's not, doesn't feel good. And I've found this way to anchor into my own energy in a deeper way because you've been in my life.

And so I think that that part is not just like an important thing to mention. It's probably, it's a foundational part of almost every conversation we have is to see all of this through the eyes of love and non-judgment or the eyes of neutrality and non-judgment for us or for anybody else. That we're all just playing in these energies with each other.

Ashley Henderson (09:58.432)

But I like the idea, so the felt sense for me when I can acknowledge, okay, this is not a vibrational match or this doesn't feel good to me and I can really own my experience with neutrality. Then there's this, and you started out by saying resist the urge to merge. There's a practice of just staying, staying in your own energy, staying, you can really consciously bring in

the feeling of rooting or grounding or staying as just an energetic practice so that it doesn't have to get complicated. Like, well, this person did this to me and so then I'm going to do this and what should I say? Or, you know, a lot of times we can get really caught up in taking action around difficult situations or difficult people. And sometimes action is important, this, resisting the urge to merge, there's an act

of staying or do you know what I mean? You kind of understand it. Yeah staying in that neutral ground of your own energy that like actually then invites either that person to shift on their own or maybe move away or something like that. Like you actually don't have to take sometimes you do but a lot of times the situation will take care of itself because you're anchoring your energy and in a different kind of way.

Nate (11:02.063)

Yeah.

Nate (11:26.435)

Yeah. Yeah. And I love what you said too about how we can view these interactions or these kind of invitations or opportunities, right? When we have people come into our field and we can feel that urge and then, and we're in that process of am I staying or am I going to merge? Right? In that awareness. But the, the other thing that you said is that this is all a gift.

for us and the other gift that's hidden in there is that if someone is showing up in your energetic field with low or dense energy, I hate to say it, but that's because it's your mirror. It's your shadow. There's a part of you that I believe a part of your soul or your higher self, which is gently providing you.

an opportunity to make peace with and look at a part of yourself that has experienced or is still feeling that lower or denser energy. And so when you move into that place of what you were saying, gratitude for that person or situation showing up, really, yeah, you're grateful for it, but it's also this wonderful opportunity. is like a gift. Like I can see.

how this is something that wants to be acknowledged and then also is an opportunity for me to hold my own energy and to believe that I deserve my own energy, my own sovereignty. And then it also kind of confirms the way that I think the universe really operates, which is that if you are in a frequency of high resonance,

The reality is that the people in low density are just not gonna come into contact with you all that often. It's a 3D experience that we're all in and we experience contrast. So we're always gonna bump up against people and the point isn't to avoid bumping up against people. This is what we all came here for. But I think the instances drop.

Nate (13:51.803)

dramatically when we start holding our frequency in a higher place more often of the time. And then when we do come into contact with those interactions, we look at them as the gifts that they are and we say, okay, there's something here that just needs a little cleanup, a little dust off. often it's not even like, it's not like cleaning up or whatever. Often it's just acknowledging that

that you have some of those feelings inside of you and that they are valid and that they're just feelings. And again, they wanna just kind of process through. So I guess that was something else that showed up for me. And then I think we're moving into it now, but let's talk about the power and the value of not merging and kind of setting your tone.

and your intention before we even engage in other people. So like, if you know you're going, I'm getting ready to go to a funeral. I'm going to be around a bunch of family. And this is not the kind of situation that I want to just haphazardly walk into. I want to be centered. I want to be grounded. I want to be in my energy and I want to create intention. And so let's move into that space of

what happens when we do those things and how our energy is when we actually get a little more intentional about it. What do you think?

Ashley Henderson (15:27.38)

Yeah, yeah, I'm so glad you brought up an example because I I do think that you know, there is a practice here and and part of the practice is you know, just in your daily life, maybe your meditation practice or your conscious focus practice or your your presence practice, you know, just really to self attunement.

You know, how do I feel in any given moment and really like owning your whole experience, staying present with yourself, attuning to yourself and, and realizing if you do this through your day and you just don't go into just default mode and wait for something to happen that wakes you up, right? You can, you can walk through your day awake in your present moment experience, attuning to how you feel.

with from that neutral awareness, is, you know, that's the practice, my practice. So that's why I'm saying it. You know, then when you go into these other situations, you can really, you've already, you've already been practicing this attunement to self. It can be so helpful.

Nate (16:32.57)

Mm-hmm.

Ashley Henderson (16:50.422)

But I got myself off track. And so I'm gonna just talk right now to get myself back on track. You can cut this part out. What was I saying? I was heading somewhere else. What did you say?

Nate (17:05.744)

Well, I was discussing, I wanted you to talk about, let's move into how having a high energy and bringing that in can change the dynamic in terms of how people respond to you. So.

Ashley Henderson (17:16.254)

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, well, yeah. So here's my, here's like one take on it is kind of what you were talking about earlier around denying your own experience that merging with other people, it's a strategy for protection and safety, but in the process, you sort of self abandon and you abandon your own experience.

And so all we're really talking about is staying in your own experience, really before you leave yourself, before the abandonment happens. If the abandonment happens, recognizing self abandonment is happening, coming back into connection to your own experience and then being able to really hold on to your experience with neutrality, knowing that just attention and attunement to whatever you're experiencing

is the energy of self-empowered, self-acceptance, self-love, you know, that is going to be the higher vibration. Just simply staying with your present moment experience is this higher vibration that we're talking about. So it's not rocket science, not that you're in denial of your...

Frustration or anger or whatever might be coming up? You're not in denial about it like focusing positive thoughts forcing yourself into no, I feel good. I feel good. I feel good. It's not bad It's actually really self acceptance It's staying connected to your own experience with this loving attunement with this neutrality And then you're really inviting people and its ownership

It's empowerment, it's ownership, and then you're inviting people into doing that for themselves. Whether they do it or not is really none of your affair. But just being able to stay in your own energy invites other people to be in ownership of their own. Let's say, for example, negativity or judgment of others or gossip or hurtful comments or whatever you're going to, whatever you encounter.

Ashley Henderson (19:37.5)

that's theirs because you're in charge of you, you're in ownership of what's happening for you. What do you think about that?

Nate (19:47.407)

Yeah, I mean, I feel like...

Nate (19:52.208)

When these situations happen, we go into them, I like what you're talking about, this kind of idea of emotional hygiene or spiritual hygiene, like if you get good at really feeling and sitting in your own feelings and knowing that you are, I guess the word that's coming up is sovereign, your sovereignty, right? This is about you being in complete control.

and responsibility of your energetic space and bubble and that when we hold that frequency and it doesn't even necessarily need to be a high or a low frequency. think we're generally when you are in your own energy and if you're doing your grounding practices, your energy is going to be at baseline neutral and probably.

above so you're not gonna be in lower density energies. That is one of the most underrated yet impactful ways to create change both in your personal sphere and even on the planet because when you take your energy of sovereignty into a room or into a grocery store, into an airport, you are saying to everyone else,

on a resonance and frequency level, I can do this, so can you. And it's a permission slip that says, this is how we can remember our sovereignty and own our power and let people have their experiences with neutrality and non-judgment, but also know that my experience and my energy and my frequency

is under my control, it's under my domain. And that's really powerful. I I think about that in terms of these like really big macro global things happening and there's such a call to action and I applaud the people who are doing it. When the call to action hits you and you know it hits you, green light, go for it. But there's also this kind of

Nate (22:16.897)

egoic fear-based way of trying to do our way or effort our way out of some of the lower density energies that we're feeling on the planet, both locally and globally. And we don't give enough weight or credence to this idea that personal sovereignty

owning your power, being in your feelings, being in holding a high, frequential resonance is really, really profound work. That that's actually the work of people who are really into spiritual stuff. It's like, we don't need to go out and preach to people and make their experience wrong and our experience right. That's not helping. That's back to 3D dense, you know, us versus them stuff. We go out in the world and we

We hold this frequency of love and appreciation and gratitude and knowing that everything that's happening is happening for all of our own personal growth. And yet I am contained in my own power and I'm giving all of you the permission or the invitation to own your own power. that is, don't know, that's such a beautiful thing to think about right now. It's really an inside game. It means you don't have to deal with the huge stuff. You deal with yourself and

your impact will be felt on the bigger scale. I don't know. So that's stuff I get excited about.

Ashley Henderson (23:47.158)

Totally, I think you just said that really, really well. And what comes up for me just to add in is, I think that power and that sovereignty comes from healing and acceptance, self acceptance and self love. Like I do think that that's the foundation of sovereignty, the foundation of freedom. if I fully to the best of my ability in any given moment accept

love and forgive myself, then I can go into the world and offer that same energy to people. And what are we all looking for in any given moment when we're driving on the freeway? We're all looking for acceptance, forgiveness and love. You know, we're just we're desperate for it from from, you know, each other. And and yet it can be so hard.

give and receive that when you don't have that foundation inside of you and so there's this real call I think for that internal work of clearing out fear but also shame and I don't know I feel like people use all these different words like self-sabotage or I don't know

self-hatred, was working with someone recently and we were connecting to their inner child and the person was having a really hard time finding love for their inner child, you know. And I just thought that's such a great place to, that's such an important thing to acknowledge and start with, like a great starting point is to feel into, I have resistance here of just,

fully loving and accepting that more innocent aspect of myself. So I do think there's like the path to sovereignty, the path to self-empowerment and holding this frequency in the world, which I do think is what we're here to do. I agree with you 100%. It's not to shove our opinions down into other people or have power over people or anything. It's really to like open each other up and invite each other back into this

Ashley Henderson (26:09.002)

this energy of love and to play and to really play in that. But I do think it starts with like this real, you know, get, the time is now to love yourself. I just think the time is now, if there was ever a time, you know, that it's where, where I'm, the world is chaotic enough to, to kind of invite people to go really do that in our work.

Nate (26:13.712)

Yes.

Ashley Henderson (26:38.42)

of cleaning up your own blocks to... And you said it too, to just being you, to being your authentic self in the world, to expressing. It's not to be like anybody else. It's not to be love in a way somebody else is expressing their authentic self through love. It's like your own authentic expression and the freedom to just be that.

Nate (27:06.022)

Yeah, I love that you said play too. I think you're absolutely right. You're dead on there with self-love is kind of the base of everything that we're talking about. And then you brought in the word play and I think that is important because you and I love having these conversations and we love spirituality and metaphysics and...

growth and the spiritual awakening. It's so fun to talk about this stuff, but also it can feel sometimes a little self-serious. And I think the two secret weapons, if you will, the two ninja moves are self-love and fun and play. And that, know, as Abraham Hicks is always reminding us, you know, with some of their analogies,

Ashley Henderson (27:50.39)

Totally,

Nate (28:00.723)

You don't wanna unclog pipes, you just wanna lay new pipes. And the way you lay new pipes in the world is by raising the frequency and having a good time enlightening the energy of everything. We're using the word density as terms of these low vibration energies because that's what they are, they're heavy. And if we can be a little less self-serious, what the self-love does is,

I think one of the amazing byproducts of it is it gives us permission to play, to have fun, to take ourselves a little less seriously. then, and that also becomes the signal to everybody else to lighten the energy. And that's the way we're gonna, that's the way we're really gonna lift the energy, the frequency of the planet is song and dance and laughter and, and creation and reveling. Like it's not gonna come.

from fixing and lecturing and these other kind of things which we have tried, that's just matching that lower density frequency. You raise that frequency up to a place of wonder and enjoyment and curiosity and fun and then all of a sudden new things that you didn't even know could happen are possibly going to happen. But you can't just...

I shouldn't say you can't. just, think it's difficult to get there without the self love peace first because it can feel selfish to let yourself play. It can feel selfish to in indulge. I'm putting that in the air quotes, indulge in these higher energy states, but it's not, you deserve it. This is our natural state. You know, all of, all of this is why self, you know, like

inner child work is so important because we're not trained to do inner child work to go back and fix the broken parts of us. The parts of us that got hurt when we were little are the beautiful parts of us that are mending now and that make us who we are. We go back and do inner child work so that we can remember to view the world with wonder and enjoyment and curiosity and be creative. And that that whole process

Nate (30:26.483)

is what is called for on the planet right now. It's not about fixing. We can't fix the stuff that has happened. It's about raising the energy and completely looking at things from a different perspective, a perspective that's light and full of creativity and enjoyment and laughter and yeah.

Ashley Henderson (30:35.894)

Mm-hmm.

Ashley Henderson (30:42.678)

Mm-hmm.

Ashley Henderson (30:51.55)

I love it. I love it. already feel inspired. Let's go back to resist the urge to merge and just do some brass tacks before we stop today. So you're going on this trip and how will you resist the urge to merge on this trip?

Nate (31:00.935)

Mm-hmm.

Nate (31:17.191)

Well, I will be very, I'm a Virgo. We just entered Virgo season. I will be very Virgo-esque and be very tactical about it. So the first thing will be entering into an airport, which for an empathetic person is a very overwhelming place.

So I guess my first step is acknowledging that some of the stuff that I'm gonna encounter, an airport, a funeral home, a grieving family's home, which are all places I'm going to occupy, in that acknowledging that it will be, there's a part of it that's gonna be a little challenging. And so being intentional and giving myself grace is really key.

and I will start off my pre-airport thing with just grounding in a very small meditation. I'm gonna go really early because I have to, we're flying very early. And then when you're in the moment and you feel yourself being knocked off your center, give yourself grace as I said, be compassionate to yourself and take, you know, a couple of deep breaths. Go wash your hands, put your hands under running water, reground.

reconnect to energy, your energy and you know, like I'm already thinking about times when I will wash my hands so that I can wash the energy of other people off of me, because it's in an airport, I'm a porous person, I read and feel energy very easily. So just things like that, so becoming intentional and aware.

You can do it with three deep breaths. You could also nibble on a small bite of very earthy food like dark chocolate or a fruit and bring intentionality and focus to that thing. Don't do it mindlessly. Say, my gosh, I can feel my energy is kind of seeping out to the other people and I can feel other people's grief or sadness or frustration depending on where I'm at. I'm gonna eat this grape.

Nate (33:38.331)

in this very slow fashion and I'm gonna come back into my center and I'm gonna enjoy it and I'm going to, you know, reground myself. So for me, it's gonna be tactical like that, like intention and then techniques.

Ashley Henderson (33:53.302)

love that because in the the washing of the hands or the slowly eating the grape you're sort of signaling to yourself that all the anxiety you know people in airports have a lot of anxiety flying and whether they're acknowledging it or not and people going through you know a funeral process are gonna have a lot of unfelt emotions and so as an empath you're probably picking up on the unfelt emotions and

Nate (34:06.686)

Yes.

Ashley Henderson (34:20.798)

And it's reminding yourself that it's not your responsibility to manage or bring that energy into your body. You know, there's like, those practices are very, they're like mindful, mindful practices. And so there's, there's a way that you're keeping your focus in your own body. You're keeping your focus in your own energy field. And that's probably, if you can do that, I think that's like a master.

master level, you know, thing to be able to do as an empath. So I love that you have those tools and those plans and taking breaks. I think sometimes when you're, you know, traveling like that, it's good to have like breaks and alone time and just re regrouping energy clearing time, you know. But yeah, I love that.

I love the permission, this is not my responsibility. And the one idea might be to like see if you can go through this whole trip without giving any of that energy away, without pulling anybody's stuff into your own system as just like an experiment. Can I just stay in this mindful place? And it's funny because the urge to merge really does come from an old pattern of

seeking security and seeking safety. so another idea might be just to remind yourself, I'm here, I'm safe, I'm okay. I'm here, I'm safe, I'm okay.

Nate (35:54.964)

Yes.

Nate (35:59.699)

Yeah, when you, as soon as you started going down that road, I could feel it. I'm like, she's gonna say, she's gonna remind us all that we are safe. You know, that that is where that urge comes from, is it comes from safety. And it reminds me, cause I'm doing a little work with The Course in Miracles right now, the thing that I love about how powerful that.

teaching is its simplicity, just the very basic, simple question you can ask yourself, which is, I in fear or am I in love? And how do I, if I'm in fear, how can I bring love to that fear and how can I come back into love? And so much of what we're talking about here as actual practical steps or tools is intention, focus.

and awareness. So it's a lot about just being very present and not, you know, so that it requires a level of focus and intention to be that present. It's not, you know, you're not going to be 100 percent and that's okay. It's not, you know, we're humans, but going in to these situations, knowing that you're going to be a little bit challenged.

is also huge. So lot of it is just about expectations and then cutting yourself a ton of slack. And then the other thing I wanted to call that you call out that you said was it wasn't explicit, but I could feel you were right on the verge of it. We were talking about washing hands. We were talking about eating. You said take breaks by yourself. And I'll also just say the other thing that came up for me was take breaks outside. You know, you can't always get outside at an airport, but you can get outside if you're staying with family.

You can go in their backyard. If you're at a funeral home, you can step outside and go look up at clouds or look up at stars. Look down at the ground, remind yourself, I'm more than this experience and this situation that's happening right now and everyone else's as well. yeah, don't know, do you have anything else about any other tips or techniques for people staying centered in their own energy?

Ashley Henderson (38:20.874)

You know, if you have energy practices like clearing your energy or doing chakra meditations or even just some yoga, you know, there's all different ways, whatever works for you, but just pull it in. This is the time, you know, as we're coming into, the energy feels like it's opening up to sovereignty. And so you can go with that by consciously practicing.

staying connected to yourself. And so it's like, whatever works, know, listening to music or whatever works to keep you really tuned in.

Nate (39:02.42)

Okay, I love that. We're gonna leave it there with do whatever works to resist the urge to merge. You do you, we all know that we have our practices. The ones that are the best are the ones that work for you. All right, thank you Ash, that was fun.

Ashley Henderson (39:18.526)

Yeah, totally.

Nate (39:22.773)

Bye.