Awareness in Personal Growth

In this conversation, Nate and Ashley explore the complexities of emotional awareness, self-love, and the importance of relationships in personal growth. They discuss how navigating emotional shifts can lead to deeper connections with oneself and others, emphasizing the significance of perspective and acceptance in fostering authenticity. The dialogue highlights the interplay between thoughts, emotions, and the body, advocating for a compassionate approach to self-discovery and healing.

Transcript

Ashley Henderson (00:01.954)
So do you feel like there's a lot like moving right now or changing or shifting?

Nate (00:08.723)
Yeah, for me, feels like I noticed that the energy, particularly the energy last week and then coming up to the full moon was, it felt more optimistic and a little lighter than April's energy, which felt just really intense for me. it feels like for me, it's all moving through like emotions. So a lot of situations and

dynamics, particularly with my kids. like, some of the interactions with my kids just feel like exactly perfect mirrors for all of the things I'm working on, particularly still, it feels like the deepest places where the codependent energy, the kind of me losing myself in externalizing and attending to other people, it happens.

obviously, because it's very easy to do. It happens a lot with my kids. And finding myself in these social interactions, like with my oldest daughter, that end up becoming very emotional interactions. And it's just this fascinating mirror for it. And how am I sitting with the discomfort of working through some of those hard conversations and

Honestly, like failing some a fair number of times like saying I didn't handle that well I got triggered I got upset and then we both got our energy got heightened and she was queuing off of me and then Kind of doing a post-mortem later that night or the next takes it often happens around getting people ready for bed and Trying to bring in a lot of grace and compassion for myself around like, you know, there's awareness here you're

I'm bringing awareness to the dynamic and I can almost in the moment that I start off on the path, it's going to lead us to more conflict and to defensiveness and whatever I can feel. like, this is the wrong path. It plays out. doesn't play out as far. And then my awareness comes in quicker. And then it feels like the bigger part of that whole dynamic for me is then don't go into shame, guilt.

Nate (02:34.418)
in beating yourself up, just having lots of grace and compassion for myself and for my daughter's situation. She's an eighth grader going to ninth grade. is so many changes, social, emotional, physiological, and just trying to bring back a little bit of lightness. So for me, this right now, there's just a big awareness around how I'm handling my emotions.

And it feels really good because I've been a little triggered or just kind of noticing that I get a weird feeling when I hear or read lots of spiritual teachings or people talking about your thoughts create your reality. I get that, I don't, for me, I don't know.

Ashley Henderson (03:04.45)
Yeah.

Nate (03:32.9)
had to move into that that isn't super ego-laden and full of just mental loops. And the biggest access point for me lately has just been the feelings and the body. And so in these times where I'm in these triggering moments with my daughter, I'm trying to lean into that because it feels like that's the richest soil to till, you know, it's like the, can't figure out with them.

you know, your thoughts create your realities or be positive thoughts. Like to me, it just, it pulls me back into my old stuff way too quickly, but coming into how does my body feel? What's the emotion I have right now? No judgment, just identify and then, and let it be there without any need to change it. And actually just trying to like love and accept myself for having those feelings. That feels like the gold right now. So that's, and that's a lot.

And it feels actually really exhausting to do that, but it feels exciting at the same time. So yeah.

Ashley Henderson (04:39.03)
Yeah, it seems like the right work to be doing in the world is to be really tending to our relationships, how we're showing up. So I commend you, and I'm sure everybody listening is going to feel like, wow, you're a great dad. Because that's not easy, know, whether you were, well, everybody was a teenager, right? And we all went through it. But I mean, that's just not an easy...

Nate (05:02.552)
Yeah.

Ashley Henderson (05:07.99)
thing to navigate and so the intention and the care and the thoughtfulness you're putting in is really important and beautiful. I'm glad you shared that. And the thoughts create your reality piece is also for me, the way I think about it is, I mean this is just an image that I think about it with, but it's like not my front and center thoughts, it's like what's behind.

Nate (05:19.449)
Thank you.

Ashley Henderson (05:36.494)
Like that's what I try to think about in terms of what creates my reality, which is you shared that you brought in grace and compassion and non-judgment. That's the piece that's going to help you create more of that in the world. Right? So if you're trying to control your thoughts, you're probably not, you know, then you're sort of not, you're disconnected maybe a little bit if that's what you were thinking about.

or that was what was coming up. it's almost like in the moment, knowing if I'm in a place where I'm moving into out of alignment sort of with how I see the world or how I want to see the world, if something is bringing me that, it's just moving back to me is the thoughts create your reality. It's having awareness. It's having a willingness to shift your

perspective. So for me, it's like perspective creates your reality, you know, and I think you get perspective. You notice what your perspective is by feeling your feelings. If you're just, if you're denying your feelings, you can, you could be sort of denying that your perspective at the same time. But if you're really in your body and you're really in your feelings, then you really have an opportunity to shift your perspective. And it's also such a good example because

You know, sometimes I think what is all of this meditation for? What is all of this spiritual stuff for? It's for these relationships. That's what it's for. It's not to be some enlightened being on a mountain top alone somewhere. It's like really for the way that we are bringing our energy into the world in any given moment.

Nate (07:25.727)
That's such a good point. makes me think about how I think about exercise and working out. You know, at some phase it was all about just like kind of being healthier or stronger to be stronger. But then once my kids were all a certain age, I realized, no, I am working out so that I can get on the floor, get off the floor so that I can pick up a bike and a kid at the same time and walk up a hill, back up the driveway. It's like, it's

The meditation is for those moments the same way that fitness is really like so you can live your life better. It's all there tools to help you live your life better. And I also really appreciate that kind of the reframing getting a little more nuanced around the thoughts create your reality. The idea of perspective and also just that it's I think for me where it goes off the rails is what you were kind of pointing out, which is if I just think about it as

the kind of frontal lobe thought stuff as opposed to the whole, it's the whole thing. It's the whole, it's how I feel, it's what's in my body and it's what's my perspective at that moment. That that's kind of like, that's like the environment from which we are creating. Cause if those are negative or defeatist or fearful, then I'm gonna get a lot more of that.

And they don't just happen as a thought, they also happen as how it feels in your body, what emotions are coursing through you, what emotions are you most likely resistant to in that moment.

Ashley Henderson (09:06.478)
You know, it's interesting, we weren't planning on talking about this today, but that whole concept of we create our reality is really hard for a lot of people. And I really resisted it for a long time. But there is something really cool about sort of thinking about, like right now I have a little bit of a cold. And this morning I was just kind of lying in bed in that liminal phase, just letting myself.

be in myself and I had a thought that come in that like, maybe this cold is either, you know, arising from or an opportunity to feel unfelt emotions. And I thought, oh, why did I have that thought? You know, so I had that thought and I thought, well, that's kind of cool. It didn't go into shame. Oh, I should have felt my feelings. And that's why I have a cold and colds are bad. I'm like,

This is so cool that the body has a, we have like this natural system where if something doesn't get processed that needs to get processed all the way through, then the body creates something like an illness than to be able to like have a way to get those, those feelings felt or something like that. I mean, I don't know if that's true, but it's such a kind of more connected way of.

holding something that I think a lot of people, because of the way we've all been conditioned, actually see as through a lens of shame. Like, oh, well, if I created an illness in my body because I didn't let myself have my anger or something like that, I think that's an often a common one for women or people, I don't want to say people, you know, then people feel responsible or guilty or something. say, that's not the point. The point is,

Is that we have this like natural feedback loop. So be in your body pay attention to your emotions pay attention to your body and honor it and not honor what it's saying to you get into a relationship with it and get into a relationship with your thoughts because your thoughts Are just signaling your unconscious belief systems. That's it. There's nothing else going on right a lot of thoughts are random I don't even know what they're about who the hell knows

Ashley Henderson (11:26.2)
But a lot of your thoughts that you're noticing, that you're paying attention to, are the ones that are connected to unconscious belief systems. So if you're not liking some of your thoughts, or your thoughts are kind of creating negative feelings, or you're ruminating or something, that's such a cool opportunity to go down into where is this thought rooted in? What belief system is this thought rooted in? And then you really get to see yourself. And there's so much choice then from there, when you can make all this room.

for just what is, for what's happening inside of you, you can have choice about then how you wanna shift your perspective or work with those belief systems or the emotions or how you wanna take care of the body when it's saying, slow down or feel your feelings.

Nate (12:14.627)
Yeah, that's great. That's such a good way of thinking about it. think for me, and I think maybe other people might relate to this, I'm not sure, but I think where it goes a little sideways is the idea that gets put forward a lot in books, self-help books, and by teachers, and all of this is well-intentioned, I don't have a problem with it, but what I feel like ends up happening is that

there's a way in which this reality is taught where it's almost like hack the system by being very controlling around your thoughts so that you can control the outcome. And that kind of misses the whole point. And it's not at all what you're talking about, which is be in flow with everything that's

happening and arising in your life and be curious about why that stuff is showing up and kind of investigate some of these unconscious or old belief systems that might be perpetuating what's happening in your life, but you're not like trying to hack it. that's, I did a lot of that for a long time. And I feel like for me, part of the reason that that goes sideways is it moves you very much into like logic and

that isn't always the place where you're gonna find this stuff. For some people, maybe it works really well. I have not found it to be that helpful. What I find to be helpful on a broader kind of like idea around this topic is the idea that meditation, limiting my doom scrolling, walking in nature, doing like all of these mic

grow things that all support my wellbeing. And I'm kind of creating this environment for me to live in that doesn't have a lot of negativity or fear or things that are triggering all those old belief systems. That seems to lead into just thoughts and awareness and consciousness that is much more.

Nate (14:39.329)
pro-social, much more effective, leads to serendipity and kind of excitement and a deeper engagement with like my own personal growth. I don't know.

Ashley Henderson (14:54.621)
The word that was coming to me was organic. I'm like, oh, that's not like a word I think about a lot, but that there's an organic in a system that we've not been taught about. We have been conditioned to believe that we are separate from our bodies, actually, and that we're separate and that our emotions are bad.

You you got to conquer the body. You got to conquer the emotions, you know, but there's this whole when you when you stop trying to conquer it, like you're saying, hack it and you just listen. And then you start to really allow and you start to invite and then you're curious and then you're there's this whole system that's happening that's totally. Genius, it's a genius system, right?

So once we can start to really sink into the body, reconnect to the body, have reverence for the body, have reverence for our emotions, see our emotions as guides, they're just guides, they're not bad. You know, the body, when the body gets sick or diseased, it's not bad. So taking out that whole piece about judgment just opens up this invitation to get reconnected to the mechanism of

humanness of being in a body, of being a spirit in a human body. And how does the system actually work? And we've just been so disconnected from it. feels like, and it feels like right now, we've come so far from when I was a kid that we're like, you know, there's so much more connection.

Happening now and so much more information. We do have about how all these systems work together. It's still a big fat mystery in my Perspective was like there's so much mystery but to me you said earlier that the the even though Going through the process is hard. It's actually kind of exciting and I think that's the ticket like that's where you start when you can really Accept this

Ashley Henderson (17:16.46)
being human and what it's really about, then it can be exciting. You know, I get a cold and I'm like, ooh, what emotions that I know. And I'm like, that's what's going on. Okay. You know, cause that's just what came to me in that liminal state is like, what emotions do you need to feel? Which is just cool. Nobody's in trouble. Nobody's doing anything wrong. Right.

Nate (17:37.425)
That's good. Yeah, I mean, what I'm hearing you say without going all the way there, but I'm going to say it is it's it's becoming relational with all of these parts of yourself, including life itself, including like the universe. But if you think about it that way,

it gets a lot less heavy and dense. It gets more exciting. It gets more interesting for, least for me, because I'm a relational person, but to think about like, I'm not trying to hack my emotions or my body. I'm not trying to like prevent them from doing certain things or to do other certain things. What if I just think about this whole thing as my body is

best friend and my emotions are a different best friend and the universe is a different best friend and we're all friends and sometimes we all play together really well and sometimes we have little fights and in and thoughts in our brain our our log our logistic part of our brain is another friend and it just how like as I'm saying this how much more pleasant it is for me to think about my

the way that I interact with, the way that I process, the way that I live through this frame of I want to be relational with all of these different parts. They're all parts of a whole. And that's great. If you're in holistic Zen, Bodhi tree, go for it. But for me, I can feel that sometimes I need these frames to help, to help return myself to wholeness and integration. And

I'm really excited about and I like this idea. Like, let's let, I want to be friends with my emotions. I want to be friends with my body. I want to be friends with the universe. I want to be friends with my thoughts. You don't have good friendships by shaming your friends. You don't have good friendships by judging what they do. You have good friendships by being in cooperative, compassionate, kind, caring relationships that are reciprocal. And so yeah, I just.

Nate (19:53.366)
It feels like an easier access point to me. And it felt like you were saying all of that without saying that explicitly. So I just wanted to say that because it feels like so much is relational these days, like so many different things that are going on both with people and ourselves. it's that's a nice frame for me to hold. I don't know. What do you think?

Ashley Henderson (20:19.534)
Thank you, thank you, thank you. So many things to say, but one of them is that that word friendship has been coming up for me a lot lately because it seems like the answer to all of our problems is this kind of getting into a state of friendship because we're, obviously we're in this incredibly divisive, incredibly fear-based, people are inundated with.

you know, focus on the enemy or focus on what's coming, what's going to come get you. I think this idea of friendship is actually a healing balm right now on the planet. Like, and, and so even in your spiritual practice to start, to start really seeing it as friendship, friendship with the universe, friendship with the earth, friendship with the body, friendship with your humanity, just friendship with, you know, that feeling of friending, you know,

It's a powerful feeling because we all know what that feels like. I think everybody has had some version of a healing kind of friendship in their life. So that's one thing. I also was glad that you said this because I think going forward as we're stepping through a really bizarre changing

Like, I don't even know how to say what's happening right now. think it's everything feels upside down to me. I don't know that we can move through it without connection to the earth and without connection to spirit. Those are two aspects of ourselves that we have to own at this point. I mean, you don't have to, but I'm feeling like there's a, that's...

And it informs my perspective. Those two relationships inform how I see the world, you know, and how I see what I'm doing here. You know, this morning I had, I drove my son to school and he was saying, I just feel so anxious, mom. And there's just no reason. I just feel so anxious. He's 16. He's a junior in high school. And there's a gazillion reasons why he is probably anxious, but

Ashley Henderson (22:43.308)
I said, well, let's just take a minute and just breathe, just close your eyes and breathe into your belly and just start reminding yourself about who you are and what you're here, what you're here to do, you know? And he's Christian and so I use the Christian language, but I helped him sort of say, like, I'm, you know, I'm deeply loved. And he, and we said, you know, I'm just here to be myself.

That's all anybody's ever asked of me. That's the only thing I have to do, you know? And so we were just doing these affirmations. Didn't take that long. Like, I don't know, a minute. And then he's like, my gosh, I feel so much better. What just happened? And then we spent the rest of the ride, because he's so smart and cool. And we broke down what happened. like, well, you connected to your body. You connected to your breath. You got out of the...

you know, rumination of the anxiety. And then you remembered your spirit and that gave you perspective about your human self. You know, if you're just connected to your human self, then your identity, then yeah, the world is really overwhelming. It's really, really overwhelming. I don't blame you for feeling anxious. If you remember that you're also this spiritual being.

You know, that that can inform you and support you to be you, to be you, because you have, you know, you're here to be Jimmy, is his name. You know, you're here to be Jimmy. so, but how can you use that connection to spirit to help you be Jimmy today? That's going to make you feel better, more relaxed, more authentic, more loving. And he was like, that's really cool. So we had that whole conversation this morning. It's like,

I think we've arrived at this kind of like moment of knowing who you really are is actually critical.

Nate (24:56.497)
Yeah, absolutely. I love the stories about Jimmy. He's got so much going on. I think about myself at 16 and I'm like, I was not anywhere near some of these keen insights. So that is very cool to witness and to be a part of. I don't know. just love, I love that you share those stories about him. Yeah, the other, so.

We started off this conversation just checking in about what was showing up. And I was talking about the emotional stuff, the feeling emotions, feeling the body, having an easier access point than my thoughts. The other thing that continuously has shown up the last week, like a buzzword is just so much stuff coming into my reality around authenticity.

And that totally fits with what you were just describing and talking about with Jimmy where, and I'm not talking about, you know, ego-based human authenticity. I'm like just full on soul level. I am living as integrated as I can. I don't have disparate parts that I show different people. I have...

It's like this desire to move into such deep self-love and acceptance that there's...

No way you can't be yourself. Cause you're just, you're aware. You're aware of how much you love yourself. You're aware of how much God or source or the universe loves yourself. And you're aware that everybody else has that going on as well, whether or not they're connected to it, but they are that. And that just becoming this huge permission slip to not give as much of a crap about.

Nate (27:01.484)
most things and really stepping into your power. I am working with it on a conceptual level at this point and trying to embody it. But it's such a beautiful thing to strive towards. And I do find that just saying be more authentic doesn't necessarily help. think for many of us and for me in particular, it feels like the

biggest step on that path is self-love and self-acceptance of moving towards that. me, that feels like the access point is coming more and more into, yeah, self-acceptance and self-love. That feels like the big, the big kind of, yeah, the thing that I'm working on. Yeah, yeah.

Ashley Henderson (27:54.478)
It's the end game. It's the birthright. It was how we were supposed to be doing it all along. So, yeah.

Nate (28:00.653)
Right, and it feels like it's the domino that triggered... It's like if you can get there, so many other things start to fall into place with ease.

Ashley Henderson (28:09.261)
Totally, Yeah, I would say that almost every podcast would probably say some version of this, that self-love is the answer. It is the answer. It is the answer because, and it's an act of revolution at this point. Self-love is an act of revolution against the matrix right now. And it's such a powerful vibration.

But I will say the way that we, just to drive the point in that the little me is so conditioned to see love as conditional. If I achieve this, I'm worthy. If I make a mistake, I'm not.

You know, so we're just really always in this game we're playing with ourselves around worthiness. And it does take this bigger perspective to see yourself as somebody who is a soul or a spirit or there's some part of you that's coming in to do this human life. But you're doing this human life with so much love. Love isn't even a question. Worthiness isn't even a question.

So for me, my meditation practice, my spiritual life over the last 30 years has brought me to that understanding of who I am. And then my job as Ashley is just to remember that over and over and over again. When I have a situation that puts me back into unworthiness, I just work it to bring myself back to the truth. And how do I know that it's true? Because it feels it, because I feel it, because it feels that way, right? Nope, there's no.

way to prove that any of this is true, except that it feels better. It feels in alignment with myself. I know when something feels true and if something doesn't feel true, you know, and, and so that's been the greatest discovery of my life really is that we were always love. That's who we are and we've forgotten. And that's what I think the great, when people talk about the great awakening, that's all

Ashley Henderson (30:31.278)
we're talking about. That's it. It's seeing past the conditioning of unworthiness to the truth. And that truth is, it's not about the ego. The ego can get on board with it. And then you're a much nicer ego. If your ego gets on board with the truth of all you are is love, you know, which is going to annoy people, but I don't know how else to say it. How else do we say it?

Nate (31:00.17)
Well, that's why I was slipping in also self-acceptance because I think it's, to me, it feels tricky to sometimes separate divine love or source love from human love. And so that word does, think sometimes, I know it does for me, it can trigger me or create a kind of deep false belief around what

love is or maybe what self-love is. So that's why I like also mixing in, sprinkling in self-acceptance because part of it is also just having no judgment or resistance to all of life that's showing up in your life, including the hard emotions, the hard feelings, the hard situations, which we're all.

We are presenting to ourselves for our own growth. So sometimes self-love, think for me, be a little... I don't know, like it can be a little triggering. So when I just think about self-acceptance and allowance and appreciation for everything that is just... Everything is here for me. And being in less resistance with all that's showing up, particularly...

It does feel like for me right now, it's a lot of it is around what emotions am I feeling in situations? And you were hinting at that when you were talking about that, which is the emotional guidance system. How do I know it's right? How do I know I'm on the right path? You were saying it just feels you could feel it, right? And I think I am trying to trust the

process around the feelings being the guidance system more. And the biggest piece of that that has been revolutionary for me is utter acceptance and allowance for all the feelings, including the hard ones. And that that is true self-love, that's true self-acceptance. If something bad happens, you get to feel angry, you get to feel fear, you get to love.

Nate (33:22.139)
that you're feeling anger and fear because those are important emotions and they're not, nothing is created or felt or experienced in this world for nothing. It's all serving. yeah, that feels like that's where I'm at with it. It's just trying to fine tune that guidance.

Ashley Henderson (33:45.56)
Totally, And bringing in your perspective. You keep bringing in the perspective. And sometimes it feels like a lot of work to keep shifting your perspective and shifting your perspective. But again, it's like going to the gym. You don't get in shape overnight. You keep working it and working and working. eventually, your muscles are like, yeah, this is good. This is good. We accept.

and perspective can work the same way.

Nate (34:17.253)
Very true.

Ashley Henderson (34:19.544)
So, and you know, it's not that it's supposed to be hard, it's just that that's how far away we've gotten from the truth, you know? And so there's some acceptance around, if this is what I do in this lifetime, is get as close to the truth as I possibly can get, you know? Then that's a life worth living, I believe, you know? I think that's the good work.

Nate (34:50.393)
Yeah, we had this, we had mentioned this just on a phone check in last week, this idea that a lot of the spiritual truths are simple, but simple doesn't necessarily mean easy. And that is one of them, is yeah, this returning back to wholeness, this returning back to self-love and acceptance is it.

it's not necessarily hard, it's just we have gone, we've meandered quite a far way from that. So bringing ourselves back means shedding and releasing a lot of things we've picked up along the way. We're walking through a big airport terminal and we have decided to pick up all the loose baggage we found, which makes no sense once you drop the baggage and then get on the walk escalator and...

head toward self-love.

Ashley Henderson (35:50.254)
I love it.

Nate (35:54.349)
man.

Nate (35:58.317)
Yeah, are we good?

Ashley Henderson (36:00.174)
I think that's a good place to stop.