Navigating the Six Stages of Grief: From Denial to Finding Meaning

Grief reshapes our core identity, affecting our thoughts, behaviors, relationships, and sense of self as we navigate the six stages of grief including the often overlooked "finding meaning" stage. We dive deep into the non-linear journey through grief, debunking myths and offering practical strategies for carrying loss in a way that allows for healing without forgetting.

• Explanation of the six stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance, and finding meaning
• Personal stories of navigating complicated grief and the importance of giving yourself grace
• How grief transforms us through shifted priorities, emotional sensitivity, and deepened compassion
• Warning signs of complicated grief and when to seek professional help
• Exploration of David Kessler's sixth stage of grief—finding meaning—and how it differs from toxic positivity
• Practical ways to honor loss through storytelling, acts of service, creating rituals, and community connection
• Debunking misconceptions about grief, including the harmful idea that there's a timeline for healing

Grief is love that has nowhere to go, and you are not alone on this journey. If this episode resonated with you, please consider subscribing, sharing, or leaving a review.

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Chapters

• 0:11 Introduction to Understanding Grief
• 1:41 The Five Stages of Grief Explained
• 10:23 Personal Experiences with Grief
• 17:08 How Grief Transforms Us
• 21:50 Recognizing Complicated Grief
• 25:51 The Sixth Stage: Finding Meaning
• 32:55 Practical Ways to Honor Loss

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:11

Welcome to Healing Our Kindred Spirits, the podcast where we explore the journeys that connect us all through resilience, reinvention and the healing power of shared experiences. I am Donna Gaudette and today we're diving into a deeply human and universal experience grief. We will discuss the six stages of grief yes, there are six and hopefully help you navigate the often challenging path of grief and loss. Grief touches all of us at some point, whether through the loss of a loved one, the end of a relationship, a major life transition or even the loss of identity or purpose. But despite its universality, grief is often misunderstood. Today we're going to explore the six stages of grief and the reality that grief is not a linear process, and we're going to discuss practical ways to navigate the twists and turns of loss, because grief is more than just an emotional experience. It can reshape who we are at our core. It affects our thoughts, behaviors, relationships and even our sense of identity. When we lose someone or something deeply important to us, it can feel like we're not just mourning that loss, but also mourning the version of ourselves that existed before that loss. So if you're carrying grief today, know that you are not alone. Let's walk through this together.

Speaker 1: 1:41

Five stages of grief. In 1969, psychiatrist Elizabeth Kubler-Ross introduced the five stages of grief in her book On Death and Dying. These stages denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance have helped many people understand their emotions during loss. However, grief is not a straight path. It's not linear. It loops, it cycles, it circles and sometimes surprises us when we least expect it. So let's break down each stage and talk about how they might show up on your journey, and be sure to listen at the end as we discuss the sixth stage of grief.

Speaker 1: 2:25

First stage denial. This can't be happening. This is often the mind's way of protecting us from being overwhelmed. In the early moments of loss, it can feel like we're in a fog. We detach from reality. And denial isn't just pretending the loss didn't happen. It's a way for our brain to slowly absorb the impact. We're not really accepting of it. We are in denial. So what can you do? Give yourself grace, and this is for you yourself or people that you know, or someone going through grief. Give yourself or give them grace. Your mind and heart need time to adjust and lean on simple routines. Small acts like making tea or going for a short walk can become very grounding for you. And don't pressure yourself to quote move on unquote. Acknowledge that this stage is normal, because it is. It really really is.

Speaker 1: 3:25

The second stage is anger. You may say why is this happening to me? Anger is a natural response to loss. You might feel angry at yourself, others or even at the person who was gone. And you wonder how can I be angry at the person who was gone? And I know many people who have lost someone close to them and they do express that anger toward them. Maybe they left them in a mountain of bills, maybe they left them with young children to raise. It doesn't matter the reason, but you can feel angry at your loss or at the person you lost, and you may feel angry at the universe, or even a higher power, for allowing this to happen. You may often ask, you know, whatever deity you believe in, why did this happen? Why did you take the good one? He's too young, she's only a child.

Speaker 1: 4:18

We have anger and that's a normal emotion. So what can we do? You want to find healthy ways to express anger, and there are healthy ways to express anger, and anger is a normal emotion. I think we need to normalize anger as an emotion.

Speaker 1: 4:35

I have struggled with anger my entire life of not being able to express it, and through therapy, as recently as a few weeks ago, my therapist is teaching me how to productively get angry, and so anger is a normal emotion. It's nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about. Anger is an emotion that we need to feel and we need to express in a way that does not hurt ourselves or others. So finding healthy ways to express it, like journaling, physical movement or even creative outlets, can help. Talk to someone who won't judge your emotions and remind yourself that anger is a part of healing. It doesn't mean you're doing grief wrong. It just means you're doing it in the way that you need to at this point on your journey. Number three bargaining. If only this is the stage where we look for ways to reverse or lessen the pain. If only I had done things differently. If only I had one more chance.

Speaker 2: 5:40

Bargaining is often accompanied by guilt, and I can't tell you how much guilt people feel after a loved one passes, myself included. It's not that we did anything wrong, but we always think we could have done more. Why didn't I do more? I know I did enough, but I could have done more. But if only so. Those are normal, normal emotions to have. So what things can you do Recognize that regret is natural, but it does not define your love or your worth.

Speaker 1: 6:18

And try writing a letter to the person or the situation you lost. Express your thoughts and unresolved feelings. Seek out professional or peer support if you feel stuck in this cycle. I can't tell you how important that is is to find someone that you can talk to about this, because it will help you. Number four depression. This hurts so much.

Speaker 1: 6:43

At some point, the weight of the loss sinks in and the sadness can feel so overwhelming. This stage can bring fatigue, isolation or a loss of interest in daily life. Allow yourself to feel your emotions without judgment and connect with others, even if it's just sending a text to let someone know you're struggling. It is not a sign of weakness to ask for help. It is a sign of strength when you ask for help, and if your depression feels unbearable or prolonged, please reach out for professional help. There is nothing wrong with taking care of your mental health.

Speaker 1: 7:28

Number five acceptance. This is my new reality. Acceptance doesn't mean being okay with a loss. It means recognizing that life is now different. You may still have difficult days, but there is space for meaning, connection and even joy. You may not see it, you may not feel it right away, but there is space for connection and joy. So what can you do to help yourself or others through this stage? Find ways to honor what you lost, and that can be done through rituals, storytelling or carrying forward lessons from the experience. Be open to new connections and possibilities. Even as you carry your grief, don't shut other people out. Don't shut down opportunities that may come before you to be able to heal and know that acceptance does not mean forgetting. Acceptance does not mean forgetting. Acceptance does not mean forgetting. It means integrating the loss into your life in a way that allows you to keep living. And it hurts and it's going to hurt for a long time, but acceptance does not mean forgetting.

Speaker 1: 8:38

I want to share a personal experience that I had with the five stages of grief when my dad passed in 2010, and it's going to make 15 years this month. It was one of the most difficult things that I had gone through, even though we knew the outcome, because he did have cancer, but he was a fighter. But it doesn't make it any easier. No matter how much you prepare, you are truly never prepared. I went through a lot of personal and medical turmoil when he passed and that complicated the grief, and I did touch on this in season one, episode eight, so you can go back and re-listen to that if you haven't yet.

Speaker 1: 9:16

And a friend had recommended the book by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross and I purchased it, but I could not bring myself to read it. I perused it and I put it down and I just I couldn't do it. After reading the first chapter I just I tried, I quickly put it down and said no, I'm not ready for this, and I just left it there. I remember weeks going by and then a month or two had gone by and even though the grief had started to soften a little, I still had not fully grieved for my dad. I had did so much crying before he passed and when he first passed that all I felt afterwards was just numbness. When I did pick up the book again and started reading the chapters, it started to make sense for me. The hardest chapter for me was the chapter on acceptance. I knew once I made it through this chapter then it meant that I had accepted his passing and that scared me because I did experience complicated grief and I'll talk about that a little later.

Speaker 1: 10:21

But I have come to treasure this book and even though I had it in paperback version, I also have a digital version that I still refer back to now and then, why it doesn't mean you have to physically lose someone, but if you've lost a relationship, your financial means, you've lost a home, lost a job, lost a friendship. The five stages of grief six stages of grief, can be really helpful for you. When I was an intuitive, spiritual life coach and advisor, whenever someone had lost a loved one, I would send them the book by Elizabeth Cooper Ross with a note to let them know that they will know when they're ready to read the book, if they're ever ready to read the book. Whether your grief is 20 minutes old or 20 years old, you can gain insight and healing from reading and rereading this book. So while the five stages of grief provide a framework, they don't happen in a neat order. You may move between them, skip some, revisit certain stages later, years later. There's no right way to grieve, only your way.

Speaker 1: 11:27

And grief shows up unexpectedly. And how can that happen? How does that happen? What about hearing a song that brings a wave of sadness? There are certain songs that remind me of people that I've lost and we have a quote, unquote family song, and that song is you Are my Sunshine, and when I hear it. I remember every person in my family that I've lost and even though the song was always done at family reunions and always saying and my mom sang it to me and I've sung it to my grandchildren it's just that universal song for us that makes us happy and sad at the same time, and when we feel joy, then we feel guilt for moving forward. Does that ever happen to you, or has that ever happened to you?

Speaker 1: 12:13

And then experiencing fresh grief during milestones, holidays, anniversaries, life changes. I remember the first Mother's Day without my mom, the first Father's Day without my dad, the first birthdays without them, the first holiday, and so on. And it really does not get much easier as time goes by. But you learn to coexist with the grief, because where there was great love, there is great grief. And grief is like the ocean. Some days the waves are calm, other days they crash over you when you least expect it, and the important thing is to let yourself ride the waves instead of fighting them. The more we resist, the more it persists, and we talked about that in a prior episode.

Speaker 1: 12:58

So how can we navigate the grief process? So, since grief is deeply personal, there's no one size fits all, and that seems like a simple solution or a blanket solution, but there is no one size fits all. But there are some wise and helpful steps that can help ease the journey. So, number one self-compassion. Speak to yourself the way you would to a grieving friend. Self-talk is so important and let go of the pressure to move on. Instead, aim to move forward with love. We move forward with our grief. We never get over it. We get through it, but we never get over it.

Speaker 1: 13:41

And then, number two, finding support. Lean on friends, family, even support groups. Therapy or grief counseling can be life-changing. And if traditional support feels overwhelming, try listening to music, reading or journaling Whatever helps you feel better. And number three honoring the loss. Create a memory ritual lighting a candle, planting a tree, making a memorial garden, dedicating a creative project, dedicating a creative project. Celebrate the love you had rather than focusing only on what was lost. And number four embracing small moments of joy. It's okay to laugh, it's okay to feel happiness again, and you'll find small daily joys with nature, art, connection with others, and I know, for me personally, it felt like it was several months before I could finally smile or laugh again after losing my mom and dad.

Speaker 1: 14:40

And I'll talk more about grieving the loss of a parent when we get to that episode this month, but this may be controversial, but some people often have to seek out the help of a reputable medium or spiritual advisor to help them through the grief process. In our minds we know that our loved ones have crossed over and they are safe, but sometimes we have unfinished business or things left unsaid that we need to work toward foreclosure. So oftentimes people will seek out a medium to make that connection to the loved one in spirit. So what is your opinion on this? Have you ever met with a reputable medium to make that connection to the loved one in spirit? So what is your opinion on this? Have you ever met with a reputable medium to make a connection to a loved one in spirit? And if you haven't, would you or why wouldn't you?

Speaker 1: 15:25

My advice is that if you were to seek out the services of a medium, I suggest that you look and ask for recommendations and search for spiritual mediums who are well known and those that come recommended from someone who may have been to see them. Even though I have done this work in the past, I am the world's biggest skeptic when it comes to trusting other people who do this kind of work, and I know that may seem kind of odd for me to be saying that, but I am very skeptical because I have seen other people get taken advantage of by so-called psychics and mediums and they end up being just charlatans. So you have to be careful. I'm not saying that all mediums are shady or charlatans, but I have heard my share of horror stories from people who I have worked with that have had terrible experiences and have been taken advantage of. So some of the red flags to be aware of when you, if you do, go down that route is such as being asked for an exorbitant amount of money to facilitate a connection to your love and spirit. Someone who has a lot of leading questions could be called with a fishing expedition and not really getting the connection, and so you want to be really, really careful. If someone guarantees you a connection to a loved one in spirit, I would be wary. Please be careful and please be wise when searching for a medium or spiritual advisor anything along those lines, and if you are looking for recommendations, please send me an email and I will try to help you go in the right direction.

Speaker 1: 17:01

So, just like grief is a personal journey. Who you choose to work through your grief is your choice. So how does grief change us? Grief can change us in profound ways, some of which are painful, but others that, over time, can lead to personal growth. Let's talk about some of the ways that grief can transform us. One a shift in priorities and perspective.

Speaker 1: 17:25

Many people describe grief as a wake-up call After loss. Things that once seemed important may feel trivial, and vice versa. Some people find themselves questioning old beliefs, career choices or even friendships. Others develop a deeper appreciation for the present moment, knowing firsthand how fleeting life can be. So, upon reflection, have you noticed changes in what matters most to you? Have your goals, relationships or sense of purpose shifted?

Speaker 1: 17:56

Number two emotional sensitivity and vulnerability. Grief can leave us feeling emotionally raw, making us more sensitive to life's ups and downs. Some people find that they cry more easily, while others may feel numb or disconnected. You may notice that you have less tolerance for small stresses, or that certain memories or triggers bring unexpected waves of emotion, especially when you think you've overcome a hurdle and then it just starts all over again. So allow yourself to feel what comes up, whether it's sadness, frustration or even joy, and remember to set healthy boundaries for people who don't respect your emotions, and an example of this would be someone telling you well, it's been six months, why aren't you over it yet? No one has the right to tell you how to grieve or how long you should grieve. Grief is a personal journey and no one, no one, should ever tell you otherwise. And give yourself permission to rest when grief feels exhausting. Self-care is so important.

Speaker 1: 19:05

And what about a deepened sense of compassion? Grief, as horrible of an emotion that it can be, can also soften us. Many people who have experienced loss find they become more empathetic to others who are suffering. It's as if they joined an unspoken community of those who understand loss in a way they never did before. Their eyes are open. So some ways to channel that compassion. Maybe they'll offer support to others who are grieving, maybe they'll volunteer or even engage in acts of kindness.

Speaker 1: 19:40

And what about sharing your story to help others feel less alone? That is one of the biggest things that you can do. When you share your grief with other people, it lessens the burden. It doesn't take it away, but it lessens the burden that you're carrying. And then sometimes we struggle with our identity and self-worth. Grief can shake our very sense of who we are, especially if the loss was deeply tied to our identity, like the loss of a spouse, a parent, a child or even a career. You might wonder who am I without this person? Who am I without this role? Be patient with yourself as you redefine your identity. Try exploring new activities or interests to help reconnect with yourself. Consider seeking professional guidance if the loss feels like it has unraveled your sense of self. And it's important to notice that Others may notice it around you and bring it up. Pay attention to that.

Speaker 1: 20:44

And there is a phase or a situation called complicated grief. So recognizing complicated grief. For most people, grief gradually softens over time. The pain may never fully go away, but it becomes more manageable, allowing your life to expand again. However, for some, grief becomes so overwhelming that it doesn't lessen, it deepens. This is known as complicated grief or prolonged grief disorder. So what is complicated grief? Complicated grief is when the pain of loss feels just as raw months or even years later as it did in the beginning. It can feel like being stuck in grief. It's like Groundhog Day. Over and over again, you're unable to move forward. So, instead of gradually adapting to life without your loved one.

Speaker 1: 21:35

A person with complicated grief may feel trapped in deep, ongoing sorrow, and I can attest to the overwhelming feelings of complicated grief. When my mom passed, I went into a dark, deep depression Again. I talk about this in season one, episode eight, in greater detail. And when my dad passed, I was numb from everything. I was dealing with my own health issues and I think that kept me from fully processing my grief and I had a really difficult time. I had agoraphobia. I couldn't leave the house. There were many things that I went through. So when I worked with clients as a spiritual intuitive advisor, I could recognize complicated grief quickly and I would insist that they seek out the help of a qualified mental health professional. It was imperative that they did that, because I am not a mental health therapist and what they needed was more than what our sessions could give them.

Speaker 1: 22:32

So what are some of the signs of complicated grief? Persistent, intense longing for the person who is gone, with little relief. Over time, people may avoid reminders of the loss, such as not speaking about the person or avoiding places that remind you of them. It's normal in the very beginning to feel that way, but if it's happening over time that could be a sign of complicated grief. And then your inability to function in daily life, neglecting work, relationships or even personal care. And then intense guilt or self-blame, feeling like you should have done more. We've all had a moment of that, I know we have Feeling life is meaningless, or having thoughts of not wanting to go on, Imperative to get help immediately, and withdrawal from others, even loved ones, who want to help. You're pushing people away. You think you can handle it all on your own, or you think you don't, that there's nothing wrong, that this is just normal. Yes, grief is normal, but complicated, unresolved grief is not normal and you should seek out help to help you with that.

Speaker 1: 23:40

If you or someone you love is experiencing complicated grief, please know this is not a sign of weakness or failure. It's a sign that the depth of your love and loss is immense and you may need extra support in learning how to carry it. So seek and help for grief. It's not about getting over it. People think, oh, if I see a therapist, they're just going to help me to get over it. It's about learning how to carry it in a way that allows you to keep living. There's no shame in needing support. We've all been there, myself included. In fact, reaching out for help is one of the most courageous things you can do.

Speaker 1: 24:20

So if your grief feels unbearable and doesn't ease with time, consider professional help. If you're struggling with daily tasks or relationships, consider professional help. If you have thoughts of self-harm or feel like you can't go on, definitely get professional help. If you feel stuck in anger, guilt or depression without relief, definitely get professional help. So what kind of grief therapy or support is available? There's therapy. There's counseling, and a grief counselor or therapist can help you process your emotions and develop coping strategies. And then there's grief and support groups. Connecting with others who have experienced similar losses can be incredibly healing. And then there's journaling and expressive therapy. Some people find writing, art or music helpful in expressing grief. And then there's faith-based support. If spirituality is meaningful to you, speaking with a spiritual leader or attending a faith-based support group may bring comfort. I want to emphasize that professional help is not just for severe grief. Therapy can be helpful even if you just feel lost or unsure of how to navigate your emotions. There's no threshold of suffering you have to reach before you're allowed to get support and, as I discussed earlier, some people find that they are able to navigate the complicated grief by seeking of the services of a qualified spiritual medium. You do what works for you.

Speaker 1: 25:51

It's not meant for me to judge or anybody to judge, so I want to talk about the sixth stage of grief finding meaning, and there is a wonderful book by David Kessler and I can't tell you how much this book changed my life. So for many years we've known grief through the five stages outlined by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, which we know is denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. But grief expert David Kessler, who worked closely with Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, introduced a sixth stage and it's called Finding Meaning, and he has a book out by the same name and I'll put that link at the end of the episode notes. This stage is not about moving on or forgetting or minimizing loss. It's about carrying love and memory forward in a way that brings purpose and healing. It's about discovering how to live in the wake of loss, not just survive it. So let's explore what it means to find meaning after loss.

Speaker 1: 26:52

David Kessler, who is a grief expert, and he is everywhere on social media and if you have the chance to listen to him or attend one of his informational webinars or one of his sessions that he often offers for free. Please do, because he is phenomenal. He is phenomenal so he wrote a book called. He worked with Elizabeth Kubler-Ross on grief and grieving and he saw firsthand, both in his work and in his personal life. So in 2016, david Acosta's world was shattered when his 21-year-old son died suddenly, despite all his knowledge, all his expertise, he found himself drowning in unimaginable pain. It was in that darkness that he began exploring the idea of meaning, not as a way to justify loss, but as a way to survive it. He realized that, while the first five stages help us process grief, meaning is what allows us to live again. So his insight became the foundation of his book Finding Meaning, the Sixth Stage of Grief, and in it he writes quote your loss is not a test, a lesson, something to handle, a gift or a blessing. Loss is simply what happens to you in life. Meaning is what you make happen, unquote.

Speaker 1: 28:17

So what does it really mean to find meaning in grief? First, let's talk about what it isn't. Finding meaning is not about saying everything happens for a reason. I hate when people say this Everything happens for a reason. Or they're in a better place, or it's a blessing, they're gone. They're not suffering any longer. Those are not helpful people. So finding meaning is not about saying everything happens for a reason. It's not about pretending the loss was meant to be or searching for a silver lining in suffering. It's not about replacing grief with positivity, definitely not carrying the loss with you. It's about finding a way to honor what or who you've lost in a way that aligns with your life and values.

Speaker 1: 29:10

For some meaning comes through action. Maybe a parent who loses a child might start a foundation in their memory. Someone who has experienced great loss might turn to advocacy or community support. For others, meaning is found in smaller, quieter moments, maybe writing about a loved one, creating rituals that honor their memory, or maybe even deepening relationships and living in a way that reflects what they stood for. Meaning is personal. It's very personal. It isn't something we're given. It's something we create. It's something that we feel. Let me repeat that again Meaning is personal. It isn't something we're given. It's something we create. So let's explore some practical ways people find meaning after loss.

Speaker 1: 29:58

If you're grieving and wondering how to find meaning, here are a few approaches that might resonate with you. Number one storytelling and reflection. Writing or talking about a loved one helps keep their memory alive. Try journaling about their impact, sharing stories with family or even writing letters to them. Number two acts of service. Many people find comfort in helping others. Two acts of service Many people find comfort in helping others. Volunteering, mentoring or engaging in causes related to your loss can be a powerful way to create meaning. Number three creating rituals, new traditions, lighting a candle, visiting a special place or setting aside time to reflect can bring comfort and connection. Number four mindfulness and gratitude. Grief and gratitude can coexist. Taking moments to acknowledge what you still have can help balance the weight of loss. Number five connection and community.

Speaker 1: 30:59

Grief is isolating, but meaning is often found in relationships. Support groups, shared stories and deep conversations can help create a sense of belonging. You don't need to go through this alone. So what about you? Have you found ways to honor a loss in your life? If so, I'd love to hear your story.

Speaker 1: 31:20

So let's address some common misconceptions about finding meaning. What about? Finding meaning means moving on. That's not true. You never move on from loss, you move forward with it. What about meaning eliminates pain? That's not true either.

Speaker 1: 31:38

Meaning doesn't erase grief. It helps us carry it, and it may look differently for everyone. What about if you haven't found meaning yet? You're doing something wrong? That's not true either. Meaning isn't something you achieve. It unfolds over time in its own way. If you're feeling stuck, be gentle with yourself. Meaning isn't forced. It's found or created.

Speaker 1: 32:06

Grief is life changing, but meaning can be too. It doesn't replace loss, but it allows love to continue in a new form. Grief changes us, but it does not mean we're broken. If you are grieving today, know this. You are allowed to take your time, you are allowed to grieve in your own way and you are allowed to ask for help. Healing does not mean forgetting. It means finding ways to carry love and loss together. And as we close, I invite you to reflect. What is one way you can honor someone you've lost. It doesn't have to be grand. It can be as simple as speaking their name, telling their story or living in a way that reflects their values.

Speaker 1: 32:54

People who have passed want us to remember them. They want us to speak about them. They want us to share the fun times, the happy times, the sad times, the goofy times. They want us to share the fun times, the happy times, the sad times, the goofy times. They want us to keep their memory alive, and I want to remind you that grief is a journey, not a destination. There is no finish line, no timeline, no right way to grieve, but you don't have to walk this path alone.

Speaker 1: 33:22

I hope this conversation has given you insight, comfort or at least a reminder that you are not alone. If this episode resonated with you, I invite you to share your thoughts, your story or simply reach out. Let's continue to hold space for one another. Thank you for joining me today on Healing Our Kindred Spirits and if you found this episode helpful, please consider subscribing, sharing or leaving a review. In our next episode, we are going to be talking about surviving the loss of parents and siblings. I hope you'll join us as we share personal stories and offer hope for those continuing on their journey. Until next time, take care of your heart and remember grief is love that has nowhere to go and you are not alone. Thank you.