I Don’t Know What God Is Doing… But I’m Trusting Him

In this episode of Goin In Raw, I’m giving a real life update on everything that’s been shifting in my life lately — relationships, transformation, obedience, identity, and learning how to trust God even when I have no idea what He’s doing.

I talk about entering a new relationship after years of being single, the discomfort of change, outgrowing old versions of myself, and what it feels like to be in a season where nothing feels fully clear yet.

I don’t have all the answers right now. I’m just learning how to stop resisting what God is trying to do in my life and meet Him halfway.

If you’re in a transition season too, this episode is for you.

Transcript

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What is up, y'all, and welcome back to another episode of Going In Raw with the Shakira Sean. Y'all, so much has changed over the last couple of months, couple of weeks. Um, if you have been following my Instagram, I did do a little life update, mini one. Um, your girl is in a relationship. Isn't that crazy, y'all? If you've been following me for a long time, y'all have seen me cry about love and how I've never been loved properly because I've never received it from my parents and blah blah blah. And your girl is in a relationship, and it's so crazy how it happened and just fell from the sky. I literally posted a video like March 18th about how I've just accepted that I'm single and yadda yada, just to make peace with it and come out of survival mode because I feel like I'm always scanning for love, always thinking every guy, me could be the one. And I finally made peace with it on March 18th. I was just like, look, if it ain't for me, it ain't for me. And if it is, it'll come whenever it comes. March 19th comes, and I'm like, I feel like I'm about to be my husband. It was like a feeling that came out of nowhere. Like, I feel like I'm about to be my husband. I don't know where I'm meeting him, how I'll meet him, but I just feel it. And I ended up picking a wedding date. Friday, March 20th comes around, and I'm like, I made a video. Y'all I'm about to meet my husband. Didn't know the man from Timbuktu, but y'all I'm about to meet my husband. Literally that night I started conversing with this guy, and we just hit it off. Like it was crazy. I wasn't, I went about this in a way I never went about dating before. I wasn't asking him a bunch of questions. I wasn't trying to know his whole life history. I literally just let the conversations flow day to day. And I listened for integrity, character, morals, values. Do you carry the fruits of the spirit? What's your relationship like with God? What's your relationship like with yourself? What's your relationship like with your like I just listened and allowed him to just talk because when you listen, people tell you everything you need to know about them. When you pay attention, they show you everything you need to know. And a lot of times we want love and stuff so bad that we ignore all the signs because we make up what we want it to be in our heads instead of allowing it to be exactly what it is and accepting them for exactly who they are. In this point in my life, I want somebody that I don't have to change anything about. Because nine times out of ten, the person they show up as is the person they're gonna be for the rest of their life. Yes, growth should accompany them. You know, they should grow out of certain ways and things, but you can't change people, and that's one thing I learned a couple seasons ago. You cannot change people, you have to be okay if that person never changes from the person they are when you meet them. If they never change, are you okay with that? And in listening to him and getting to know him over the weeks or whatever, it was like I'm okay with that because there's so many great things about him, and we're so much alike, it's scary. But in the ways we're different, we balance each other so well. Don't get me wrong, we do bump heads, but hey, that's because we're so much alike. But I was just listening, and God was just answering my questions as I listened. Like I would ask God a question, this man would say something out of his mouth, and it was just like, dang, when you're really in tune with God and the Holy Spirit, and you're in tune with yourself, and you use your discernment, it is so easy to see if a person is for you or not. Because I wasn't planning out our wedding in our head, day three, falling in love in day two. Like, yeah, it kind of happened like that, but it wasn't because I was making up a fantasy in my head. I was actually listening to who this man is and watching how he showed up. And the crazy thing is, we started conversing March 20th, April 5th. He asked me to be his girlfriend. Yes, we had not even met in person, we were literally only FaceTiming. We didn't see each other for the first time until April 24th or something like that, and that's when he flew me off on my birthday to spend my birthday with him, and it was so amazing. And yeah, it's been two months, and we're still doing great, it's super great. And like I said in the last episode, I will not be talking about all my pain from the past anymore because I'm transitioning and I'm transforming, and I have to allow that change, like I have to go with it. Um, healing isn't linear, of course. I will be healing for the rest of my life, and things are actually now showing up in my life through my relationship and stuff, things I need to work on within myself because it's hard to see things when you aren't in situations that bring them out. So I'm healing y'all, and y'all will see bits and pieces of that through my series. I recently started on Instagram, and here I'll talk about it a little bit. So, yeah, I'm just I'm in a transition, y'all. Um, I am happy, I am at peace, I do have my joy, and that's because I wake up and I choose it every day. Um, I speak about perspective a lot because changing my perspective on things has really changed my life. Like I wake up and I choose to be happy. If something goes wrong within my day, that's a moment that is not my whole day, and nothing is perfect in my life. I'm still struggling with a lot of things, I'm still battling a lot of things, but I still wake up choosing the best possible outcome. And when you learn to shift that perspective, like I've said before, you will change your life. It's not overnight, it's gonna take me a while to get it. Yes, I still have my moments where I'm down and where I allow life to take over, but for the most part, I am in control, and that's just a place I pray everyone finds because it's peaceful. You can't go looking for peace and happiness and joy in other people. You have to give that to yourself, and you have to find that through your relationship with God and just your transformation. So your girl is in a transformation, it is very uncomfortable. Um, I don't like change. I love my comfort. I am a Taurus. If y'all are into zodiacs, I'm very stubborn, I'm very black and white. I want it like this or nothing else, and God has me in a place in my becoming to where I'm being pushed. And it's like you can't play small no more. So I have to show up better. And I don't know, y'all. I don't know where life is taking me, but I am super excited for the future. Super excited to see my platform grow, to see myself grow, to see me become who God is calling me to become. But currently, today, I'm struggling with receiving. I'm so struggling with receiving in my relationship. My friendships, I've gotten a lot better at receiving because I started working on it last year, allowing them to show up for me, be there for me, etc. etc. And in my relationship, it's hard. It's hard trusting that I'm safe. Because I've been in survival mode for so long, and I've been all I've had for so long. I've not been able to trust people. People have shown me my entire life that I can't trust them until now. Like I have great friends now, and I I totally trust them. But when you've been single and your last partner did you like he did you, and now you're with someone that's actually creating a safe space, it's so unfamiliar. Like my body still tenses up sometimes, and I can't just relax in it and breathe yet. I can't just relax in it and allow myself to just feel it yet, and to trust it yet, because it's like I'm still bracing for something to go wrong because I'm so used to something going wrong. And it's a struggle. It's it's a freaking struggle. I'm struggling really bad with it, but I'm trying. Um, and he's great. He's great. He continuously lets me know that he's there for me. He lets me know that we'll get through it, and he lets me know he understands and all the things, but coming out of survival mode is something I'm struggling with in plenty areas of my life. But I trust that I'm gonna get there. I've gotten this far. Of course, I'm gonna get through this little part, but that's just a little mini update. What else is new in my life that I can update y'all on? My kids are doing great. Um, I've decided to recommit to real estate. Yes, I'm a realtor. If you didn't know, if you need me, I got you. Y'all, honestly, I don't know what I'm doing in life. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know where I'm headed, I don't know anything. I'm just in a transformation, I'm in a transition, and I'm just flowing day by day. I'm just waking up, choosing to put one foot in front of the other, choosing to have a positive outlook on life, and trusting in God's plan for me, whatever that's about to look like. And I don't know. This is like the first time ever, I just really don't know. I don't know, y'all. Just going with the freaking flow. And I've gotten to the point now to where I'm completely out of my old life. Like, there's nothing I really enjoy from my old life. I'm still not drinking, I'm still not partying or any of that. I literally be in my house. Like, in my house. I've gotten invited out, and it's just like I don't even have the urge to do it anymore. Like, I don't even have the urge to live that life anymore. And I can't lie, like, it's it's crazy. It's crazy to look over the last year of my life. This time last year, I got my DWI, which got dropped to a lesser charge of obstructing, which will be deferred adjudicated, okay? It will be off my record when I complete my probation. Um, this has just been a learning journey. Like, I get the toughest lessons, but I know they're for my good. I've literally had this blower device on my car for a year now, and I still have about two months to go. That's crazy, right? Most people have this on their car way less than a year, and I've had it for this long just because my process stretched out so far for no freaking reason. But I know it was God. I know it was God teaching me my lesson because I won't have to go through this again. I can finally say that I'm not struggling with the back and forth of my old life, my new life. Like I'm completely out of that struggle of stepping back into my old life. Now, don't get me wrong, I feel like a lot of people think once you start walking with God that you're just supposed to do this whole freaking 180 and your life just slips upside down and now you're super holy and you don't do none of the stuff you used to do. And I just want y'all to know like that's not true. I'm sure a lot of people look at me now and are like, oh, she thinks she this or she's holier than thou. And it's like, if you really know me, you know I'm still me. I still rock with the same people I've been rocking with. I will still get out of character if I have to. I will still go off on you if I have to. Like, I'm not perfect, and I've never claimed to be perfect. I just am a better representation of God. I am a better person for myself and for my children and for the people around me. I am a disciple of God and I want to bring everybody closer to God, as many people as I can. But bringing you closer to God isn't meaning that your life has to flip upside down and you can't drink no more, you can't go out no more, you can't. God calls us to different things. In this season, I've been called to not drink. But am I gonna drink again one day? Absolutely. Am I gonna be toe up all up on the tables and stuff again? No, absolutely not. Shaking my butt drunk on the floor, like I will not be doing that anymore, but I'm still very much Shakira. Like, I really wish y'all get that out of y'all head that your whole life just has to flip upside down and you can't do nothing you used to do anymore because that's not true. And that's God calls us to different things. My convictions may not be your convictions, but we're convicted of different things at different points in time for a reason. I just feel like I just needed to say that because I know I be judged, but I don't care if you judge me. I don't care if you think I've changed. Yes, I have changed. I am way better than I used to be. And that's all glory to God. But don't get it twisted because I'm still me. And if you know me, you know. But um, yeah, allow God into your life to change your life and to clean you up and to make you a better version of yourself. It doesn't mean you have to give up your entire life and your entire existence, and that's not everybody. Everybody's a call to the same things. We all are on different journeys in our life, and you give up things when you're ready to give up things. That's what I did. I've showed y'all that I was one foot in, one foot out for the longest, and God sat me down and said, get it together, my child. I got work for you to do. That's my journey. But yeah, I just feel like I just need to throw that in there because people be getting it misconstrued and they start to think that we're Bible thumpers and this, this, and this. And it's like all the people I know that walk with God are still very much so themselves, they just don't do a lot of the crazy things they used to do, but it's still in them. So I guess I will wrap this episode up here. I feel like I rambled a little bit, but that's my ADHD, and I'm gonna work on that next, okay? But I do have a few things. So if you want to see Shakira Deshaun in transition, that is over on my YouTube channel, and that is more long form content, and it's my growth in real time, seeing me become more disciplined, um, seeing me more in my career and things like that. Um, I think it's gonna be pretty dope. Check me out on YouTube, going in raw. If you want to see me kind of learning things about myself and coming out of my survival mode and all of that, that's in my The Becoming series on Instagram. That is a weekly thing, and yeah, you know, my podcast is always here where I just kind of ramble with y'all a little bit and update y'all and let y'all know what's going on a little more in depth and stuff. But um, I'm excited about this season of my life. I pray that y'all are excited about whatever season you're in. And if you aren't excited about the season you're in, you need to change your perspective. Okay, you need to change your perspective because it's gonna change your life. So I am out. I will talk to y'all in the next episode, and uh yeah.