Living in a Prayer I Forgot I Prayed For

Life is interesting right now.

I can feel things changing, but I can't fully see it reflected in my outer world yet. In this episode, I'm sharing where I am in this current season of life, figuring out what I want for the next 5–10 years, creating routines that support the woman I'm becoming, and learning how to balance faith, relationships, parenting, rest, productivity, and purpose.

One of the biggest realizations I had while recording this episode was that I'm already living in some of the prayers I once cried out for. The friendships, the love, the support system, and the people in my life today are things I asked God for years ago.

If you're in a season where you know you're changing but the results haven't caught up yet, this conversation is for you.

Let's go in raw.

Transcript

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What's up y'all and welcome back to Goin In Raw. I'm your host, Kurt Sean, and this is a space for honest conversations about life, growth, faith, relationships, healing, and everything in between. No filters and no pretending to have it all figured out. Just real conversations from real experiences. Now, let's go in, Raw. It is a beautiful Tuesday morning here in the city, and life is very interesting for me right now. It's like everything is changing. I'm changing, but I haven't been able to really see it yet, if that makes sense. Like, of course, I see my internal changes and the changes with me, but I haven't seen it reflected in my outer world, so to speak, yet. I recommitted last week to just doing what I need to do for me, like putting me first and figuring out what I want for my life. Like I'm 34 now, and I've been in this transitional transformation for a few years now, but not like it is today. And I've honestly been figuring out like, what do I want the next five to 10 years of my life to look like? Who do I want to be? What do I want to be remembered for? Like all the little things that we don't typically think about. Because we can truly be whoever we want to be in this life. So it's just like, who is Shakira Deshaun? Like, what does she want out of life? How does she want to show up every day? What does she want her routines to look like? Like, I'm just at the point to where I don't want to say I'm having an identity crisis because I know who I am. I just don't know who I'm growing into. And that is where I'm kind of struggling a little bit right now. Maybe I shouldn't say struggling. I'm just getting to know me. I'm getting to know myself all over again and just allowing myself to be in this process, not putting too much pressure on myself or anything, just trying to figure out like what new things do I want to try? Because of course I don't go party anymore. Um, that lifestyle is over. So it's like, what lifestyle will I now live while also trying to balance being a mother and having a career and having a platform that is growing so fast while also getting to know myself and balancing my friendships and balancing my relationship. And it's just like, dang, like we go through so much in a day, and just asking God to keep me grounded and keep me rooted, not to mention everything that's going on in the world with this administration. And it's just like, damn, like how do we balance all of this? So that's where I am now trying to figure out how to balance everything because in who I'm becoming, I've never been. I've never been super consistent, I've never been in a real routine, I've always been a procrastinator, I've always kind of just been all over the place, but I get shit done. Like, don't get it twisted. I'm going to get it done, but I just take my damn time getting it done. So now it's like when I think of my higher self and I think of who I'm growing into, and I think of the lifestyle I've always had for myself and how I want to be wealthy and I want to have generational wealth for my children and their children, and I want to just set my family up for life. But it's like, you gotta work to get there. Like, this shit isn't gonna fall out of the sky. Like, faith without work is dead. So, how do I, with my ADHD and with my struggle for discipline in certain areas of my life, how do I get into a routine that works for me? Because I hyperfixate on something to the point to where once the hyperfixation kind of starts to die down, the whole routine goes out the window. Like I could be on it for 30 days and then one day it just goes out the window. How can I get on track and stay on track? How can I stop falling off and doing my little disappear act? Because that's all I kind of know. Like all I know is to turn within myself when I'm overwhelmed, when I'm tired. Like, how do I balance rest and productivity? So that's just kind of where I am right now, just trying to figure out how to balance my life while staying soft, while not getting too caught up in my survival mode. Like, how can I calm my nervous system and stay balanced while also chasing my dreams and my goals and knocking out all of these things I have to do without feeling like I'm in such fight or flight? Without feeling like I'm in such hustle mode and I gotta get this done, and I gotta go boss to the wall and drain myself and drive myself into the ground to achieve these goals. How can I just create harmony and balance in my life and still get it done and become this badass version of me I've never been? So right now I'm just honestly trying to figure that out. Like, what does this look like while also leaning on God to guide my path? Like I'm not trying to lean on my own understanding of it. Like, yes, I need to know how I'm gonna get it done, but at the same time, it's like one day at a time, like just taking things one day at a time and handling what I can handle in that day and not pushing myself overboard and driving myself batshit crazy trying to get it done. I hope all this makes sense because it makes sense in my dang head. So yeah, like life is just, I won't say life is life. Life is lifing, but it isn't bad. Like when I tell y'all the way I can lean on my faith now because of the way God carried me through my last season, it's unmatched. Like I know God is gonna do it for me. I decree and declare that over my life that God is gonna do it for me. And I've been so deep in my word, and I'm just so grateful for the last year and how I've grown so much closer to God and the friendships that have brought me closer to God because I lean on that word. I lean on that word. Like, no tomorrow. Like my friend asked me the other day. She was just like, What how does she ask it? Like, what areas basically of your life like are you lacking like faith and stuff? And it's like, oh me was lacking faith in every area of my life. Me today, know that God is gonna do it, and I trust that God is gonna do it. And that's just no if, answer, but it's like it has to work out. And as long as I'm creating the daily steps for it to work out, like, yeah, it's gonna work out. So just changing my mindset has truly changed so much about me. Like I'm such a positive patty, and I've always kind of been a positive patty because I've just been through so much. I just have to have a positive outlook. But actually having my mindset and my outlook and my mind match like my life and where I'm headed, it's like a beautiful thing. Because you could have a mindset and still not be doing it. Like you could know what to do and still not be doing it, you know. But when everything truly starts to align in life, it's like, what more could you ask for? Like, as long as I'm being obedient to God and I'm doing what he asked, and I'm being good to people and I'm reflecting the fruits of the spirit, I'm kind, I'm gentle, I have self-control. Like, why wouldn't it work out? And I think some people forget that life is gonna have its downs. Like, you can't have good without bad. But if you could look at the bad in a good light, oh my God, y'all. And that's where I am. I can look at the bad moments in a good light, and I can realize that these bad moments don't dictate the full picture. This is just a moment. Like, don't let one moment ruin your week or ruin your day or ruin your year. Like, what did that moment teach you? Is kind of where I am in that perspective. And just truly staying the course, even when I don't want to, even when I don't want to. So, yeah, I'm just trying to show up better for myself, show up better for my children, show up better for my relationships, but most importantly, yourself. Like, because at the end of the day, when we leave this earth, we should be leaving this earth having made ourselves proud, not just making the people around us proud. And yeah, like that's where I am. Um, I'm hopeful for my future. I don't really know what the future holds, and I just try not to get caught up in the thinking of what the future holds, because God is funny and God likes to laugh at our plans. So maintaining, so having a plan, but also knowing that this plan is changeable, this plan isn't set in stone, is a good place to be, I feel like. Because once you set this plan and it doesn't go your way, it's like, damn, like you get down in the dumpster, blah, blah, blah. But remembering that, yes, I have a plan, but God also has a plan. And I'm okay with what that looks like. No, how do I want to say I didn't say that better? God help me say that better. So it's having a plan, but also knowing that God has a plan and allowing God's plan to interfere in your plan, however, that needs to happen or show up. And being okay with your plan not being the only plan is a really good place to be. And that's kind of where I am right now. So, yeah, like I don't really have a huge update for this episode. I just wanted to kind of tell y'all where I'm at. But if you follow my YouTube, my in transition journey, you'll get to kind of see a little more in depth. And then my series on Instagram, you'll get to see something a little different. So I'm trying to honestly just bring something a little different to each space where y'all can kind of put the whole picture together in the end. Because I don't know what God is doing in my life. I'm just here for the ride. I really don't know what's going on. I'm just learning to receive, I'm learning to come out of survival mode, I'm learning to grow, and I'm learning to be okay with change and just be okay with everything with wherever I'm headed in life. And just sitting back, relaxing, and knowing God is in control. God got it, standing my word, living righteously as I can, because nobody's perfect. We're all freaking sinners. Like, I'm not trying to be perfect, I'm just trying to be obedient. I'm trying to do what God is calling me to do while also giving myself the room and the space and the grace to step into what he's calling me into, and to not let on my own understanding and just have fun with life. Like, like I said, there's already so much going on in the world, like y'all. I'm just trying to keep my peace, calm my nervous system, and just stay as close as I can to 100%, without allowing anybody to get me out of character, without allowing anything to interfere with my peace and my joy and my happiness, because I have to unlearn survival mode in this season of my life. Like, I've lived that shit long enough. And I honestly don't want to live it anymore. I'm tired of living at fight or fight. I'm tired of looking over my shoulder. I'm tired of constantly scanning for the bad. Like, I just want to be able to live in knowing that whatever is happening is supposed to happen. And just having true peace with that. So, yes, please give yourself grace to exist. Rest when you need to rest. Like, I feel like that's one of the another big thing for me right now is working hard but resting hard and balancing it. So it doesn't look like laziness. It looks like, hey, I did what I needed to do. Now let me rest. So yeah, my life is just all over the place. Not in a bad way, but in a transformational way. And I'm honestly just getting to know myself day by day because I've never been this version of me. I've never been 34 before. Like I've never had freaking kids that are 14 and 9. Like I've never had a healthy relationship, I've never had these great friendships, I've never had so much of me being reflected back to me. Like right now. And dang, that's crazy. Like I just, dang, y'all. It's crazy when you're living in an answer prayer and you didn't really realize until you said something out loud. I prayed so hard for the people I'm in relation with to reflect who I am. And I just sat here and realized everybody I'm close to and building relationships with are parts of me that I've always needed reflected back to me. That's deep. And I don't want to get emotional, but I pray so hard for this. And I'm literally walking in an answer prayer. That's why reflection is so good. It's so good to journal and to sit down and process. Because you don't know what answer prayers you're walking in, because we get we're so caught up in our day-to-day lives and our day-to-day activities. I need to sit with that. I need to sit with that. So actually, I'm gonna wrap up right here because I need to go sit with that. And I need to go thank God for that. Because God is so good. So, yes, thank you so much for tuning in to another episode of Going In Raw. Don't forget to check me out on YouTube and Instagram. And as always, I love you guys so much. I pray that y'all are learning to thrive, learning to allow yourself to be, learning to allow yourself to take up space, learning to let joy and peace in, and learning to allow God in to transform your life. Like you have to learn to allow these things, and it's not gonna happen overnight. So I truly pray for you guys. And yeah, I'm about to go reflect on this. So check me out on all my other platforms, and I will be talking to you guys again soon.