I Didn't Expect to Miss Them

A few days ago, I found myself sitting with a feeling I hadn’t fully let in before.

After years of distance, healing, and learning boundaries, I realized I miss my siblings… and parts of my mom too.

I don’t know what this means yet or what the future looks like. Right now, I’m just allowing myself to sit with it instead of pushing it away.

Maybe healing isn’t always about finding answers… sometimes it’s just about making space for what’s still there.

Transcript

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What's up y'all and welcome back to Goin In Raw. I'm your host, Secure DeShawn, and this is a space for honest conversations about life, growth, faith, relationships, healing, and everything in between. No filters and no pretending to have it all figured out. Just real conversations from real experiences. Now, let's go in Raw. Y'all, I had the craziest last week or so. And with growth and forgiveness can come so many beautiful outcomes. Um, so I was talking to a friend last week. We have a separate thing going on that I'm excited to announce. And I came out and I said something that I haven't said out loud. I don't even think I truly have processed. But in what we were talking about and discussing, it came up. And I allowed it to come up and I allowed myself to feel that and to let it be. And honestly, I haven't really sat with it since the conversation. And honestly, I haven't really sat with it since the conversation. So as you all know, I am estranged from my family. I haven't spoken to my dad's side of the family in about eight years since 2017, 2018. I haven't spoken with them. So it just made eight years, um, actually in April, I believe. And I haven't spoken to my mom's side of the family. My mom, rather. I haven't spoken to my mom or my mom's children in four years. And it'll be five this year for my sister, my mom's daughter. And as you know, um, I don't talk about my mom's children on my platform. My siblings, like, I haven't really said what happened in our relationship because I'm still I'm very protective over my siblings. Like we literally grew up together, and though we have different experiences, we had a different mother. Um, I know that I don't want to say this wrong. I know that my mother is the reason we don't have a relationship. I know that my mother put us against each other. She would call me, talk to crap about my siblings to me. She would call my siblings on, and I'm pretty sure talk crap about me to them. And I personally feel like she turned them against me just by how things kind of played out or whatever. So I choose not to talk about my siblings. I'll never bash my siblings. I love my siblings to death. And yeah, I just know my mom plays a huge role in why we don't have a relationship, as her mother did and why she doesn't have a relationship with her siblings. Although that is a little more complicated, but prior to like years and years and years ago and stuff, it was always mess. But her mother would do the same thing, get on the phone, talk about them to each other, and then it just creates mess. So I have haha. So let's get into the heart of this episode. I just wanted to give y'all that. But when I was talking to my friend last week, I told him that I miss my family. Um, not so much my dad and his side of the family, because my dad wasn't a big part of my life growing up. And but I miss my siblings. I miss my brother and my sister so much. And I miss my mom. I don't miss what she what she has done to me and how she treats me, but I miss just being able to call her and laugh with her. Like I miss when things were good. That's what I miss. I miss the good parts of what I would get from them. And I wish I could see my nieces grow up. Oh, I don't want to get emotional. And I wish they could see my kids grow up. And it's just so complicated when you have a family dynamic that's so toxic like this. And I pray that one day me and my siblings can have a relationship and we could just mend the fences and say whatever apologies need to be said and move forward. But I also recognize that today I'm not ready for that. And that's also way easier said than done because I don't trust my mother. And I don't trust her influence around my children and just having my children in environments where they have to see their mother be treated poorly, or people talking crap about their mother for no reason. Like, I don't want that for any of our kids. And I just pray that we can get to the point to where we can just be able to be around each other and have a good time. Like, I don't even care at this point to have a relationship for real, and that's just because I don't trust. I don't trust that my siblings can be a part of my life and not go back and tell my mom all my business. I don't trust that. So I can't say I'm ready for us to just be super tight, but I do wish that we can hang out and like go grab a bite to eat and go to the park with our kids and do things like that and work towards rebuilding a relationship. And it's crazy because I have not said this at all. I haven't felt like this at all up until recently when I've just been allowing God to change my heart posture. Like I've never held any resentment or anything towards any of them, not even my mother. Like when I say I forgive my mother for what she's done, I forgive my brother, like I forgive everybody. And whatever their story is of me, like I pray that they could find forgiveness for whatever that looks like. But I won't know what that looks like until the conversation is had. I only know about how things ended. And I know that how things ended didn't have anything to do with me. It was more so brought to me, and I kind of I'm gonna finish it however I gotta finish it. But forgiveness is a beautiful thing, growth is a beautiful thing, transformation is so beautiful. Because one day you get to this point to where it's like you can be honest and say that you miss them while also keeping a boundary that you're not ready to be back kumbaya, talking on the phone every day. Like I know I'm not ready for that. And honestly, today I'm not even ready for any form of communication, I don't think. I think I still have to process this emotion because I haven't sat with it. I just kind of said it. And then I also have to figure out what I want the dynamic to look like moving forward if it does happen or come up. But I also know that I'm not going back to them for the relationship because I didn't do anything wrong. So if there is gonna be a relationship, God is gonna have to work that out and they're gonna have to pick up the phone and call me because I was always the one going back, going back, going back. And it's like, girl, I didn't do nothing. Like, I didn't do any of you anything. Nothing. I didn't do anything, but finish some stuff that got started. I'm absolutely gonna do that. Because don't play with me. But like, you know, it's God's will, God's way, God's way. And I do trust that one day we will get on a better path moving forward, while also understanding that for me, that time is not now. But also acknowledging that it is something I want in the future. Just while not knowing what that looks like. I have no clue what that looks like, but I can acknowledge it. Because, like, I'd love for them to see my kids grow up. I'd love to see their kids grow up. And I think family is so beautiful in today's society. A lot of families are broken apart by generational curses and traumas and pain and just mess, just drama, like it's broken up, and it'd be nice to bring back family reunions and barbecues and like come over to my house sometimes and play games and all of that. Like, that would be dope. But I also know that I found family in my relationships that I have today, and I'm at peace with that too. I'm at peace with either outcome, but I just had to acknowledge that feeling and to show you guys like it's okay to miss people, it's okay to miss what you thought something would be, like it's okay. But yeah, I thought this was important to come here and tell y'all because I'm processing how I feel about it. But I'm hopeful that one day we could get there, but if we also don't get there, I'm okay with that too. Because like I said, I'm not picking up the phone and calling nobody. Yeah. But yeah, I was shocked when I said that I'm about. I was so shocked that I said I miss my family. It's crazy to say I miss my mom. My mom has hurt me more than anybody in my life. And I just, I don't know, I pray for her. All the time. I pray for my siblings, all the time, I pray for their children. And I know that whatever's in God's plan is in God's plan. But yeah, that's where I am with that. It's crazy, but it's it's beautiful that I've gotten to this point. Because for the last four years, I've been cool with never speaking to them people again. Like, and I'm still okay with it if that's what God wants. However, I would like for us to get to a place to where things can be better and people can stop living in denial and acknowledge their wrongdoings and say, Oh, hey, I was wrong for that. Like, there's nothing wrong with saying, hey, I'm wrong. But with my mother, it's just so complicated because she lives in such a denial that I don't know if she'll get there. And the only way for us to be able to move forward in that relationship is if she can pick up the phone and apologize for everything she did and name each thing. And I'm not saying things she did in my childhood. I'm talking about the last four years. Like, the last four years. She would have to name each thing she's done. From the reason I stopped talking to her to up to the most recent thing. Like, yeah. Other than that, it's nothing. It's nothing for us to say, but I pray for better days, I pray for better outcomes, and I pray that God just keeps them covered. Keeps them covered. It's crazy that I'm the generational curse breaker in my family. Like that shit is crazy. But I understand why God chose me as I've gotten older. So I just pray that I can continue breaking these curses off of my family and just showing that there's another way of doing things. Showing that you don't have to be what you came from, showing that you can literally get out of this world and be who you want to be, and be the best version and the best reflection for everybody around you. So thank you guys for tuning in to another episode. And as always, I love y'all, and y'all will be hearing from me again soon.