I Want to Be Loved, But I Don’t Know How to Receive It

In this episode, I open up about something I’m still learning — how to actually receive love, support, and care without shutting down or pushing it away.

I talk about how my default has been to say “I’m fine” even when I’m not, and how that comes from a fear of disappointment and a lifetime of being the one who had to hold things together.

But I’m realizing I can’t want closeness and still keep people at a distance. This is me learning how to let people in, let myself be seen, and stop feeling like I always have to be strong.

Transcript

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What's up y'all and welcome back to Goin In Raw. I'm your host, Shakira Deshaun, and this is a space for honest conversations about life, growth, faith, relationships, healing, and everything in between. No filters and no pretending to have it all figured out. Just real conversations from real experiences. Now, let's go in raw. I'm just in a place in my life right now where I'm learning to receive. I am learning to just allow people to be good to me, life to be good to me, me to be good to me. And after being in survival mode for so long and dealing with all the traumas and the pains that I've dealt with, I didn't realize how hard it would be to actually receive. I'm such a giver and I'm always on the giving end of things. I'm always pouring into others. And I was a people pleaser at one point, and I lacked boundaries at one point. So a lot of people got so used to me also just giving, giving, giving that they felt like they didn't need to pour into me or whatever. And I was having a conversation with a teammate of mine, and I was just pouring into her and uplifting her. She's young and just telling her, you know, I understand where you are. I've been there. And at the end of our conversation, she was like, Thank you, you know, for being this for me. But I know people like you that are always the strong one and stuff. Y'all need people to be there for y'all too, et cetera, et cetera. And it's just like, yeah, we do. We do need people to be there for us. And as she's sitting there telling me that, it's like I'm taking it in and I'm receiving it. But I'm also like, girl, it's cool. Like, it's cool, I got it, type of energy that I always naturally put off. And I'm learning to stop that. And when someone is telling me something nice or giving me a compliment, I don't always have to give a compliment back. I don't always have to downplay what they're saying. And it's easier said than done. And I am going to have to work on catching myself in the moment and just being like, you know, thank you. I received that. Maybe that's what I need to start saying. Thank you. I received that. Yeah, I'm gonna start implementing um that into my conversations. But you never know how hard it is to receive until it's time to receive. So um last year, as y'all know, I started going to Bible studies with some girls on my team. I joined a real estate team last year and ended up going to Bible study and just kept going. And I made some really good friends in Bible study, and they have helped me learn to receive because the way they pour into me is exactly how I've always poured into others. And I actually didn't realize until the last episode that I prayed for that. I prayed for people like me. I prayed for people to reflect back what I put out. And in having that, I have to learn. I'm still learning to let them pour into me. Like one of my friends, she was just like, she constantly reminds me, like, Shakira, just let me, just let me help you, or just just let me compliment you, or just just let me. And I'll be like, okay, girl, because it's like a rewiring of your brain. Like you literally have to forget everything. Not forget it, but you have to put it so deep in the back of your mind that you stop allowing it to interfere with where you are today. And it's such a learning experience. And every day you have to rewire it and work on it. Like every day I have to tell myself, like, it's okay to receive. Every day when they want to do something for me or compliment me, or they're like, Shakira, how can I show up for you? I'm just like, my default mechanism is to be like, I got it, I'm good. But underneath all that, I want somebody to ask me those questions. I want somebody to help me or to reach out to me and to check on me. Like, I want people to pour into me like that, but I'm so used to being good or telling myself that I'm good, lying to myself and telling myself that I'm good, even when I know deep down I'm not. Because what if I do tell you that I'm not good and then you like, what you want me to do? Or I can't do nothing about that, or then it just puts me back into my childhood traumas. Like it's like a trigger for me when I do reach out and ask somebody for help and they're like, oh no, or I ask somebody to do something with me and they're like, oh nah. So I'd just rather go do it by myself because I don't want to deal with the disappointment. That's what I was looking for. It's disappointing. I've been disappointed so much to where I don't know how to ask for help. I don't know how to let that guard down and allow people to be good to me and to pour into me. Because I'm so used to being disappointed, I feel like they're not gonna show up the way I want them to show up. And I also am realizing right now that I also need to drop the expectation of how someone should show up and allow them to show up how they naturally show up. And if it's in a way of actually trying, then that's a good thing. They don't have to show up perfect. I'm so used to perfectionism that I sometimes project that in my relationships, not outwardly, but in my mind, I'm projecting that perfectionism because I want you to show up like this, this, or this, or don't show up for me at all. And it's like, that's not fair. It's not fair to force that on somebody or to put that on somebody. That's not fair. And in learning to receive, I'm also learning how to show up for me because I've been so conditioned all of my life to show up perfect, to show up strong, to show up not needing anything or not needing anybody, to show up as the one that's gonna come save the day, the one that's got it all figured out. That I don't know how to not be those things for me. I don't know how to allow myself to not be perfect. I don't know how to allow myself to not be strong. I don't know how to allow myself to not constantly be in survival. And I'm working on that too. It's like it's so many layers to growth and healing. And right now in my relationship, okay, so like I was saying, in my friendships, I've been working on it for a year, like letting my friends in. Like I literally told my best, best, best friend last year, like, I trust her. And that took me a long time to get to that point of trusting her. Like I trust her today. And it's it's crazy. Like to some people, this would sound crazy, but to those of us who've been through some things, like you get how hard it is to trust somebody and to let somebody into your world. And in my friendships, I'm doing really good at it. I've gotten a lot better than where I was last year. Now, if I'm going through something, I have no problem kind of telling them and letting them fully in and allowing them to show up for me however they want to show up for me. But now I'm in a relationship and it's such a struggle because it's a different layer of trust and showing up for me. Like it's more, what is the word I'm looking for? It's more intimate when you're in a relationship with somebody. So letting that guard down and allowing him to be my shoulder to lean on is something I'm struggling with. And I thought I had had it under control because I had been working on it for a while. But like I said, this is a more intimate space. I have to let him in on a different level than I let my friends in. You know, like I have to bear it all if I want my relationship to work. And as y'all know, or if you're new here, I was married before and I thought that was my end-all, be all. And that man hurt me in some of the worst ways. And my family has hurt me in some of the worst ways. So, of course, I equate my relationship because it's as intimate as family dynamics and a husband, like it's that intimate. So I'm having to realize every day that this is not that, and I wouldn't place myself back in a situation if it mirrored that. So telling myself I'm safe now. And he constantly tells me, like, he tells me I'm safe now. He tells me he just wants me to be soft. He tells me he wants me to open up and he just like I know that's what he wants from me, but I didn't realize how hard it would be to give it. And um, day by day I'm getting better, but it's such a struggle for me to just let that guard down and stop bracing for something to go wrong. Stop bracing for him to let me down. And it's like, it's natural for people to let us down, right? Nobody's perfect, so I shouldn't be projecting that. I shouldn't be looking for perfect in him. And we're also getting to know each other, and it's just it's so many layers, y'all. It's so many freaking layers. And I don't know what I'm doing. We don't know what we're doing. We're just thrown out here in the world with no book, no blueprint, no nothing. And when you have so much trauma and pain, you don't realize how much that affects your life until you're in situations that bring it up. And I've been healing, like healing, I've been healing for almost 10 years, but I've been deep in the root of it for over the last two years. And I haven't been in a relationship in four. So these things coming up, it's just like wow, like you think you're so much further than you actually are until something brings certain things out of you. So I'm just in a season right now of just learning myself all over again and praying that I can get to the point to where my guard is completely down with the people in my life, the people that I allow close to me. And that also comes with discernment. I feel like people think that once you're healing stuff, like you should just trust everybody. Like, no, it's not a trust everybody thing, but if you're gonna allow somebody close to you, you have to learn how to trust that person. Or like, what do you have them close to you for? What do you consider somebody a friend for if you can't let them know everything? And I understand that it's hard to let people in that deep. But I just feel like if you can't do it, then you shouldn't have them in your life. If you're not taking steps every day to let those people in, then it's like, what are they in your life for? And it's also remembering at the end of the day, God knows everything. God knows every single thing about us, He knows every single thing we do, He knows the things we have done and the things we're going to do. So are you not letting them in for fear of judgment? Are you not letting them in for fear of what? Like, what aren't you letting them in for? Because if God knows everything and God still loves you, and God still is gentle with you and is merciful with you and gives you so much grace, why do you care how the next person is gonna look at you? So I'm also implementing that into my dynamics and into how I receive, because it's like, hey, if I let you in my life and I give you this trust and I give you these things, or I open up and I tell you some deep things about me, and you ever use that against me, it's like, okay, so what? Because God already knows and God still loves me. I'm not worried about man and what man thinks and how man feels. You know, so I feel like everything, like I always say, is perspective. But if you are gonna call people your best friend, your bro, your sis, your boyfriend, your husband, like you have to get to the point to where you can let that guard down and trust these people. And if you feel like you can't trust these people, then what are they in your life for? Right? So yeah, when I'm talking to y'all, I'm talking to me. So that's where I am. It's just like, I allowed you in my life. Like, I have to learn to trust you. And be okay with you messing up because nobody's perfect. And understand that when you do mess up or if you mess up, that doesn't automatically mean throw my guard up. That means give you the grace that my God has given me. And giving you a little mercy and a little, you know, because I'm not perfect and I'm gonna mess up too. So, y'all, life is just so freaking interesting. Life is just so interesting. But yeah, I'm just trying my hardest right now to receive, be on the receiving end of all things good, no matter what that looks like. And also taking the bad with it too. Like everything isn't gonna be good, but just fixing my perspective on the bad and still seeing what I can receive out of this. Because you can receive out of the good and the bad. Because out of the bad, you're receiving discernment, you're receiving wisdom. Like, you know, you're still receiving. So, yeah, change your perspective, you're gonna change your life.