The Hidden Cost Of Always Being Strong

For a long time, I thought survival mode looked like falling apart.

The truth is, it looked a lot more like having it all together.

Being independent. Being strong. Being the one who figured it out. The one who didn't need help. The one who kept going no matter what.

In this episode, I'm sharing how survival mode showed up in my life, the ways it protected me, what it cost me, and why healing has been forcing me to let go of versions of myself I thought I'd need forever.

Because sometimes the hardest part isn't surviving.

It's learning how to live once you no longer have to.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:15

Y'all, I never knew survival mode was a thing until probably like two to three years ago. I never knew that like all my life I've been operating out of survival because you just think it's normal life. Everybody around you is pretty much doing the same thing. And when you're in those environments that mimic who you are at that time, it's just like it just feels normal. I didn't know that while I'm out here raising my kids, busting my butt, hustling, paying my bills, I didn't know that I was operating out of survival. I didn't realize that I didn't know how to rest. I didn't know how to give myself grace. I didn't know how to just exist and just be. So you get up and you make it happen regardless. And now that I'm freaking 34, I'm like, I'm not living the rest of my life like this. I'm not living the rest of my life fucking tired and hustling. Like, I'm so tired of hustling. I've been hustling since I was 16 years old, and it's gotten to the point now to where I'm not doing it no more. I'm not waking up. Yes, like yes, I have bills to pay, and yes, I have things to take care of, and yes, I have a certain vision for my life, but there's got to be an easier way, and that's where I'm at. I'm like, how can I figure this out? How can I dumb this down and break this down to where I don't have to be operating out of survival and I can just be receiving and allowing God to move in my life and trusting that I'm on the right course? Like, what is this looking like for me? Is where I am right now and trying to figure that out. Because when I tell y'all, I can't get up and do the fucking nine to five thing no more. I can't get up going to a job I don't like, doing things I don't like every day. Like, I can't live like that anymore. Like, no. I've shit. How many years we get in life? We probably get like the average person gets maybe 70 some years. Y'all, I'm 34. So that's only about 40 maybe years left. Like, I'm not living, I've already lived half of my life. I'm not living the other half exhausted, busting my ass. Like, no, I'm not living the rest of my life constantly in survival, constantly worried about money, worried about how I'm gonna figure this out, worried about I'm I'm just not doing it. I can't do it no more. I've always been, I've always been praised for being independent, being strong, getting things done, figuring everything out. Never asking for help, but those things were born out of necessity. No one's ever asked me why are you so independent? Why don't you ever ask for help? Why do you feel like you have to figure everything out on your own? Like, I've never been asked those questions, so of course, never being asked those questions, I was never able to unpack it sooner. Like I could have been unpacked this, but now I'm freaking unpacking it and figuring it out, and it's like, and now I'm freaking unpacking it and figuring it all out and learning how to operate moving forward. I've always been the strong friend. If you call me, I'm going to help you figure it out. Like we're about to fix this. I've always been, I always feel like people that came in my life, I had to help them. I had to fix them. I had to give them the shoulder to lean on. I had to. So in all of my relationships, it's like I want to prove that like I'm here for you. I got you anything you need, like I'm your ride or die. And I'm also just a loyal person by nature. So showing up for you, it's like it's nothing. Like you call me and you need me, I'm gonna help you in some way, shape, or form. Like, I won't fucking bat an eye. I've always been the one with the answers. I've always been that person, but then it gets to a point to where I had to look around and I'm like, dang, who's that for me? Like, who is being the strong one for me? I'm so used to being that I don't even know how to receive it. I don't know how to call somebody and vent. I'm not about to call you and cry on the phone. I'm not about to call you and tell you that I got this, this, and this going on. Like, help me figure it out. I'm not about to call you and tell you that because I've always been in control of my own life. And that control has kept me in survival mode. It's kept me the feeling like I gotta figure this out on my own because I ain't got nobody to lean on. And now God is bringing people into my life that I can lean on. So I'm learning to just chill out, like just chill out and let somebody else handle something. So I literally prayed to God and I told God, like, before I even realized I had these people, I was like, God, I just want to receive. Like when I realized I have been operating out of survival mode for so long, I'm like, God, I just want to receive. I just want the good things to come to me. Like, I just want to rest and give myself grace finally and breathe. I've been on a freaking hamster wheel since I was 16 years old when I got my first job. Like getting that first job at 16, all I knew was hustle. Figured out, hustle, figured out, hustle, figure it out. And I just have to tell God, like, I've been through so much from the trauma to the pain to the relationships to all I've lost along the way while having a kid young and then having my second kid young and getting married. Like, I've just been through so much. My PTSD, like, God, I need, I need this. I need to just be in receiving mode for a while. And it's crazy because my last season from last year up until now, I was granted a rest period that I didn't even realize I was granted. I didn't even realize I needed because it's taught me how to rest and it's put me into a place now to where I can receive and I can calm my nervous system and I can start to work my way out of survival mode because my nervous system is torn up. My nervous system is always bracing, my nervous system is always controlling, my nervous system is always running. It's always running. Like you'll see me just sitting and my leg will be bouncing. My anxiety is on like a thousand twenty-four-seven. And you pray to God, like, God, I know you're gonna fix this, I know you're gonna do this, I know you're gonna do that, but you still worry. Like that's me. I still find myself worrying because my nervous system is messed up. I've constantly been in survival mode, so I don't know how to not worry. I don't know how to give it to God and allow God to just do his thing without trying to control every aspect of it or trying to fix it or figure it out. Like, I don't know. And it's like, yes, God, I do trust you, and I do have the faith of a must-a-see, but subconsciously, I'm still thinking about how can I figure this out? How can I, how can I? And I have to remind myself to just breathe sometimes. Like Shakira, just slow down and breathe. So I'll literally do breathing exercises too, where I'm just like like just calm down. I journal, like I'd be having to get it out. Or I'm gonna control everything. I literally have to catch myself in the moment and be like, you already gave this to God. Why you why you worrying about it? Or while I'm thinking about how I'm gonna do this, how I'm gonna do that. I have to be like, Yes, God, I give it to you. Yes, God, help me control this, like help me control this spirit of still trying to figure it out. Like, strengthen my faith in you, please, God, like strengthen my faith in you. Because if you don't, I'm gonna constantly worry. So, right now I'm just praying that God just keep working on me, like keep working on me, keep working in me, keep working through me, because I have to overcome this, and it's a work in progress, and I'm really just taking it one day at a time, but I gotta overcome this. Most people feel like healing adds things, but healing takes things away. And I'm getting more comfortable with the removal process of what has to exit my life. And the survival mode is one of them, okay? The hyperindependence is one of them, the control is another one, the constant busyness is another one. Like, sit down and breathe. And I pray that me going through this journey and sharing this journey allows you to realize what parts of you need healing, or what parts of you need rest, or what parts of you need to come out of survival mode and stop operating from lack or whatever your case may be. I really pray that me doing this work pushes you to do this work because I really feel like it's needed for all of us. Because none of us know what we're doing. Because I don't know her. I've never been her, and navigating this process of not always being in crisis, not having to overcome and being able to just rest and learn life, learn how to live because I've never lived, I've just been operating, you know. You feel like you're just here moving through life, but you're not living. So right now I just want to learn who am I without all those layers? Who am I without all the things that were casted up on me? Who am I without the generational traumas? Who is Shakira Dashawn? And who does Shakira Deshaun want to be? And now that I have like a certain level of clarity on this, and now that I have a certain level of clarity on this, I thought that clarity would bring so much more action than it is. And I'm seeing that just because you know doesn't mean you automatically transform. Like there's still a process, like there was a process I went through of my healing and that work I did. Now there's a process of coming out of survival and moving forward and just taking things one day at a time and keeping the awareness, but also allowing the awareness and the transformation to get a little closer, like to catch up to each other. Because right now it's like I'm super aware, but the transformation isn't here yet. So I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to close the gap while coming out of survival mode and keeping my nervous system calm because I hyperfixate on things. And once I realize something, it's like, okay, how do I figure this out? How do I figure this out? And it's like that's still operating in survival mode. Like, give yourself just a little grace and time. Not too much time now, because sometimes we'll give each ourselves too much damn time and then nothing is changing. But take baby steps every day, just try to take at least one, no, minimum one step forward. Every day, take one step forward. So, what does this look like? For me right now, I'm building a routine. I'm realizing that I'm more disciplined than I thought I was, I'm more consistent than I thought I was. So, how can I build a system that works with my ADHD, that works with my hyperindependence, that works with you know all of these things I have going on? What system is gonna work for me? So, right now I'm just trying out different things and trying to have fun with the process and not be hard on myself through the process because I'm still in practice of being the new version of myself. It's like when you're a little kid and you're learning how to ride a bike. Like, I'm learning this for the first time. So I'm gonna fall, but I'm gonna get back up. I'm gonna fall again and I'm gonna get back up. And one day I'm gonna be able to stand up on the seat, I'm gonna be able to stand up on the handlebars, I'm gonna be on the pegs. It's like that's how life is. And survival has just cost me so much. It's cost me peace, it's cost me joy, it's cost me relationships I felt like I didn't want to lose. It's cost me trusting people, it's cost me being cared for in the way that my soul craves and my soul needs. And I just gotta take my power back, I gotta take my life back, and it's it's go time. Like I can't keep operating the same way, and I can't keep waiting because nothing's gonna change unless I do, right? I spent so many years trying to survive every day that it's time that I learn how to live. And I truly hope and pray that you are on this journey with me, or you're getting to this journey with me, or you eventually get to this journey with me because I swear it's so beautiful. And for those of y'all who have been here for a while and have seen, like I know y'all see the transformation, and I just have a different glow about me now and a different peace and a different happiness about me now. And don't get it twisted, healing is linear, you're healing forever, but there's different stages, and I'm just in a different phase now, and I pray we all get there. It's beautiful, it's a beautiful journey, and it's so nice to see yourself grow, but it's even nicer when other people see your growth. So, yeah. Thank y'all for tuning in to another episode. I love y'all, I pray for y'all, and as I pray for y'all, pray for me because life is kicking our butts. But as long as we trust God, we lean on our faith of a must of seed, and we lean not on our own understanding of things because we'll never truly understand anything. And fix your perspective, change your perspective, change your life. If you can do these things, you'll build yourself a very bright future. So I will catch you guys in the next episode. Have an amazing day. Oh, and y'all have so many different things going on. Tune into my YouTube series where I'm showing y'all more of me, my personality, my life, because I feel like y'all have seen only my healing journey. But I want y'all to know me. I want y'all to know how fun and bubbly and outgoing I am, and how hood holy and highly favored I am. Okay, because I show up on way on here, but y'all, your girl is just a hood, holy woman in transition, in her becoming, and blooming and finding my way while raising two daughters and just figuring my life out. No plan, no roadmap, no book, no blueprint, nothing. I've done this brick by brick by myself with God, with leaning on God, trusting in God, and now He's placing people in my life that I can now cast some of this on. So tune into my YouTube series. Um, I'll be vlogging on Instagram more. I have a nobody taught me about money series going on on my real estate platform. If you want to learn how to build generational wealth, y'all, we're about to do it together because we're in this thing together, okay? I love y'all so much, and I will catch y'all in the next episode of Going In Raw.