Viva la Mami

113. Annual Check-In with My Husband on Parenting, Partnership, and Breaking Patterns

• Jessica Cuevas • Season 4 • Episode 113

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In this episode, I sit down with my husband Alex Cuevas for our annual conversation about our parenting journey. We discuss the challenges and triumphs of raising our two young toddlers in a one-bedroom apartment, our house-hacking journey to build generational wealth, and how we're working to break generational patterns in our parenting approach. This raw and honest conversation explores parenthood without the traditional "village" and the intentional choices we're making as first-generation Latino parents.

For detailed show notes, visit vivalamami.com/episode113

In This Episode You’ll Hear:

  • Our house-hacking journey and building generational wealth
  • The challenges of raising children in a small space and maintaining privacy
  • Alex reflects on his own upbringing and parallels to our current living situation
  • Navigating parenthood without the traditional "village" of extended family support
  • Breaking generational patterns and creating a different parenting experience
  • Balancing partnership and parenthood
  • Managing stress and supporting each other as partners

Resources Mentioned

Coming Up Next

Stay tuned for my bite-sized solo episodes in March and April – all under 30 minutes, because I get it - mami life!

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Hola, hola amiga. I'm so excited for you all to join me today because on today's episode I sit down with my husband Alejandro or Alex Cuevas for our annual check in conversation about our parenting journey as we wrap up season four. Yes, you heard that right. Today is the end of season four of the Viva La Mami podcast. if you haven't heard my first conversation with Alex, I will share that episode in the show notes, which is episode 51, where we had our initial conversation about growing together as parents. And I feel like this is almost like The 2. 0 version of that conversation because we have evolved, we have grown and we have done a lot this past year. Parenting and together we're raising our four year old son Diego and 21 month old son Mateo. So we are raising them in Chicago as most of you know through social media and what I've shared on the podcast and really this past year has brought tremendous change as we moved from a spacious suburban home to a one bedroom apartment in the city and this was ultimately part of our house hacking journey. To build generational wealth. And in this raw and honest conversation, Alex shares his perspective on parenting in close quarters, breaking generational patterns, and finding balance between fatherhood and partnership. We discuss the challenges of raising our two little ones without extended family nearby, and how we're setting healthy boundaries with our own parents, as well as how we're intentionally creating a different parenting experience than what we had growing up. So we had a lot here. I feel like we kept going in. So many different directions and honestly, I did not prepare a list of questions. I just wanted to have this to be a conversation and that way you get to experience our world and that way you get to know a little bit more about us and our relationship and how we parent. And I feel like as first generation parents, we're constantly navigating between two worlds where we want to honor our cultural roots while creating new traditions that align with our own values. And like many of you, we're figuring out how to balance it all. between our relationships, our careers, parenting, and self care, all while living in a space that sometimes feels too small for our big dreams, literally. For us, we live in a small space where, yeah, we, we feel like we deserve to dream big. And so whether you're a mama trying to break generational patterns, someone struggling to balance cultural expectations with modern parenting, or simply curious about different parenting journeys. This conversation offers insights into how we're navigating these challenges together. I also encourage you to invite your partner and have them listen to this conversation, especially if you are in a partnered relationship. But before we dive in, I want to remind you that in the show notes, there are two links. One where you can suggest different topics, topics like this one, or any topic that you want me to talk about. And I also have another link on proposing a guest, or if you know of a potential guest that could benefit in being on the show, feel free to share their information as well. I think that it's so important to share our stories and for people to share their expertise. And that way, Mama, your motherhood journey can be better informed and you get to create the best version of this Wonderful, but oftentimes chaotic journey of ours, and I also want to remind you to please rate and review the show It's so important for me to receive feedback and what you think of this show so that people like you and I can find Viva La Mami and that way Latina moms don't feel in isolation as it relates to their motherhood journey. So please, Don't forget to review the show if you're listening through Apple podcasts Otherwise, you can also rate the show on Spotify if you listen to us On YouTube, you can also subscribe and like us and that way we get to build this community for you because it is so needed. And before we jump in, I am excited to share that for the upcoming months of March and April, I'll be releasing solo episodes all under 30 minutes because I know how precious your time is. Between juggling work, family responsibilities, and trying to squeeze in a few minutes of yourself, who has time for hour long podcasts. And I know that I've been trying to keep it under an hour. But y'all, sometimes my conversations with guests are amazing. And I want to give them the space and time to share their expertise, their thoughts, their experiences and journeys. However, these upcoming for joining. eight solo episodes throughout the months of March and You will be hearing all the advice and community that you need while me respecting your busy schedule because I totally get it. All right, so enough of this whole call to action I know that I've shared a lot, but I am very excited to have Alex on the show again and Yeah, that way you got the inside scoop of what is going on in our lives How we feel, how we're managing and navigating parenthood because like I've shared My motherhood journey wouldn't have started without him because he is a part of it as well. All right, mama Well now let's dive into the final episode of season 4 with my hubby Alex Cuevas/

Jessica:

hola, Alex. How are you?

Yo daddy:

I'm good.

Jessica:

I'm so glad you are here. For the second time on the Viva La Mami podcast, it has been a full year since the last time that we recorded, and we were in a different space. We were living at my parents house for a little bit as we were getting this place remodeled. And so it's wild how. Much and how many things happened within 12 months. And so I just wanted to say thank you for being here because I think it's so important for people to listen on what we've been doing, kind of catching up on our lives sort of thing. And that way, you know, they can kind of be a part of our journey because obviously. Having this community and this platform, it's all about motherhood. But I think that part of my specific motherhood journey couldn't be complete, you know, without you. So, as we were preparing for our conversation together is, you know, what is something that, we really want to touch on? And I think like the unexpected things or the things that we kind of felt unexpected about parenthood. Um, I think specifically. When it comes to our experience as newer parents, because we have two little ones at the, at the time of this recording, we have an almost four year old and a 19 month old. So, you know, we have two little ones, so we are very new to this journey, but I know that many of the listeners will, resonate. especially as what we've thought about parenting before and now, um, as a little bit more experienced parents and any, any surprises that came up that has come up really

Yo daddy:

All right.

Jessica:

Yeah. So before we delve into the conversation, if you can share a little bit about you kind of keeping us up to date, what you've been doing.

Yo daddy:

Okay, well, still learning, still learning as well. So trying to navigate this journey, parenthood journey with you, alongside with you. Um, I mean, Yeah, it's, what can I say? It's tough. It's, it's very, very tough. I mean, especially now in our current, living situation, our current house, where we're all cramped up together, getting in each other's way. I think that adds an extra layer of, uh, difficulty to our everyday day to day life,

Jessica:

Yeah. And for the listeners who don't know about our current living situation, I mean, I've shared this a little bit. I don't think I've shared enough. I think that yes, it's a part of our journey as parents, you know, but, um, maybe this can be a full, a full load of content that I would share. But for those of you who haven't heard or. Kind of followed us along. We moved from a four bedroom house, single family house back in the suburbs and we moved to the city. We're currently in Chicago. Uh, and we currently live in a one bedroom apartment and it's not a rented apartment. It's actually a house hacking Yeah, it's, it's a whole house. The term is house hack. I mean, I think that is just like a buzzword, but in reality, this is what our families have done for many, many generations, uh, especially for the first gen folks, uh, if you know what it is, you know, you're basically living in a multifamily household. Um, but. Tenants are not family members. They are our tenants. Uh, we decided to buy a building as a way to build generational wealth. And one of the things that have allowed us really is for us to, well, for me, not to work full time. Um, and that way, you know, we can raise our kids together and that in itself can be. A blessing and also, you know, it can be a challenge because, you know, they're with us. Yeah, they're with us 24 seven and, and you, you work from home. And so being that we're literally cramped up into a one bedroom space, I mean, it, it has been a challenge and currently right now where we're recording, I'm at the very far end. Um, Um, yeah, like I'm in my little room here, my little recording studio, which is the very far end of the, of the apartment. And you're at the other end.

Yo daddy:

and

Jessica:

so yeah, you know, it's, it's definitely been something that at least I've like, I'm still adapting. And, you know, there have been moments where I'm like, Oh, how would life have been like if we were to still live in that, You know, four bedroom house and that, single family home. Right. Um, but we were very intentional in terms of having a different lifestyle in terms of how can we. Make this work at least for a short amount of time and I know that many people, especially when they're married or who have kids, they want to do this, but they are afraid. like, they, it's always that fear, right? you know, they're not willing to take up on that challenge because they feel like they have a family because they have a family, they shouldn't mess up their kids in some capacity. I think that I've definitely, um, have seen that. Where one parent wants to do something different, but the other one is afraid because it could affect the kids or what have you. And, And, I think for us, like our kids are so happy here, at least even though we are kind of struggling where, you know, we want to keep them calm or, you know, we want to have a little bit more privacy. I know that the boys are having a blast because there's literally. Cramped up with

Yo daddy:

Yeah. There's no escape from them. So that's why I think they're happy'cause they know we can't get away from them.

Jessica:

Yeah. And so how has like this year been for you? At least I know that we, you shared about literally being in a smaller space, but is this something that you anticipated or is this something that, you know, you're still struggling with in terms of our current living situation? I guess I never asked that.

Yo daddy:

Well, now it's out in the open. Um, well, anticipation and actual, like, reality are two different things, right? For me, at least. Like, I anticipated it being tough. You know, this move of our, of us, of ours being tough, but actually living through it. It's ten times more than what I expected. Could I've ever imagined, right? I mean, I knew that it was going to be tough. I knew that it was going to be cramped up, especially with two growing kids, two energetic kids and always yelling, always stomping on the ground. But I mean, yeah, if you would have asked me this question last year, it would have been completely different for me, at least I would have thought about it completely different, but I mean, I'm happy, you know what I mean? I think it's always, it's so you always have to make a sacrifice to move 10 steps forward. Right. So I think that's what I've always, what I always tell myself, at least to keep myself sane. Because if you don't have those check ins with yourself, you might lose it. At least that's for me. Because I think that's why I'm so quiet sometimes, you know, when we're here, because I'm just telling myself we're gonna be okay. We're going to be okay and we will be okay. I know that. So yeah, I mean, it's, it's been tough. It's been a journey. Hopefully we'll be somewhere else a little bit more comfortable by this time next year. It's

Jessica:

that could be our challenge, right? In terms of finding a space that can be a little bit more suitable for us. It's not that this space isn't, we've made it work. It's, yeah, but. You know, being that it is a one bedroom apartment, the, the kids are the ones in that bedroom. They're sharing the room. They have their room. We, on the other hand,

Yo daddy:

for a year,

Jessica:

yeah,

Yo daddy:

creating back problems for ourselves. Yeah.

Jessica:

Yeah. yeah, We're, we're literally like my brother in law said, like we're living the immigrant life. That's how many of our family members had lived and, and it's, and that's in a way, it's a privilege because we made that decision. You know, we, we made the choice of living in this kind of temporary living situation to, to transition. Save us money in terms of like not spending anything on the cost of living, you know, that has been something that is very rare for many families, right? Like who gets to house hack. I mean, you only hear this with like single people or newly wedded couples who are just starting their lives together, but an established family of four, like you don't hear this. And so Yeah, it's something very unique and I keep telling you, Alex, you got to do something about this, you know, kind of create your own platform about how families can also house hack. Um, but I'm just putting it out there for you.

Yo daddy:

thank you. But as your audience could probably tell, I'm not the type of person that would create this for myself. So, or like to share, you never know, you never know something in the future. And once I get a little bit more knowledge in this field, so

Jessica:

Oh, yeah.

Yo daddy:

and actually, yeah, I mean, it's another, you bring up an extra interesting point. Like I never actually thought about this, but. This is actually, I'm actually, we're living how I was brought up, right? My parents, my parents were, I used to live, yeah, I used to live with my parents where my parents actually still live in for the past 30 years. Wow. It's actually crazy to saying that out loud for the past 30 years, they live in a small two bedroom, one bath. You know, it was a family of four, myself, my sister, my, my parents, obviously. And now I can kind of see, I can see it from the child's point of view. When I was a kid, it was fun. Cause I've always saw, I always got to hang out with my sister. You know, my mom was always just like an arm's reach away. Anything I needed, she was always there. Right. And then I can kind of see what my dad was always. Because he didn't have no, no, uh, no, no, no privacy, right? Anytime he felt angry, he would always just have to put on a face. Not to show it, even though he still shows it, he still showed it, but what can you do? Right. And that's not really understand him from his point of view, you know, have it to put on the face for our two little ones so that he won't, so that they won't see us be frustrated. I try my best. It still gets out there, right? That anger still shows. I'm not like how you, like how you say, I don't have a poker face, right? All my emotions just are out in the open sometimes. Yeah. It's, uh, it's interesting. it's, interesting what we're going through right now. So,

Jessica:

Yeah, that, that's an interesting point, and I guess I never realized that until you literally just mentioned in terms of how, yeah, we have to Yeah, portar bien in front of our kids, so that, yeah, we don't show, like, our emotions, and, and, and it's really tough, I mean, I've definitely, this, this has happened a couple times, a handful of times, know, where, you Yeah, where I just, you know, I have all the, the anger and, and, and I think it's, it's not because it's them, right? It's because of me, perhaps I didn't have enough sleep or perhaps, you know, I haven't been taking care of myself necessarily, or the way that I wish I could. And, and. Yeah, it does make it very difficult when you are in a small space and you don't have that privacy where you don't, you can't remove yourself necessarily because your kids are literally behind you. And I think that this happens everywhere, but when it comes to the environment, it can make an impact. And. And I think that in itself is kind of unique. You know, I don't hear of many families that go through that struggle. I mean, I definitely hear it from like Diego school, for example, I know that there's a lot of families who live in small apartments like this one, you know, we are in the city, everyone experiences, you having a cramped up space especially when you have kids. But yeah, now that I see it from that perspective, it's, it's interesting. Yeah,

Yo daddy:

Hopefully we don't, uh, scar our children with this so but whatever. They'll be all right. They'll be all right,

Jessica:

So, yeah. And I think, I mean, it happens everywhere, right? You know, whether if you are in a big ass home versus like a one bedroom apartment, I think at the end of the day, it's important to like apologize to your kids if you do end up acting up in front of them. And for me at least, and we do, yeah, like we, we definitely do that. And, and I think it's important that we express emotion in front of our kids, um, because. That way they're able to understand that we are also human, that we make mistakes and then, you know

Yo daddy:

And that it's, yeah. That it's important to realize when you mess up

Jessica:

Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. so yeah, so our environment is different than last year. Uh, last year we were in arms reach with our family, with my family specifically, you know, where if you had to go to the office, for example, I wasn't alone. It was my sister working from home or my parents were there. Someone was in the house because we were with my parents, you know, we were staying at my parents

Yo daddy:

We had backup.

Jessica:

Yeah, we had backup. And now this year it's just you and I.

Yo daddy:

just writing solos. Yep.

Jessica:

Yeah. And, you know, and for context, for my listeners, my family, is in the suburbs. So they're 40 minutes to an hour away, including traffic from us. And my siblings are there with them as well. They're in the suburbs with them. And yeah, like we have no family here except your parents. Um, but how has that transition been for you? At least, do you think that, you know, comparing the first year, Of you being a dad where everyone just talks about how hard it is, going through the newborn stage. How do you compare that to now?

Yo daddy:

Well, the newborn phase, that was amazing. That was easy compared to what we're doing now. Cause it's easy with newborns. I mean, they cry, they're either hungry or they're being, something's bothering them right now. It's like, especially with their oldest one, you never know what kind of emotion he's going to be feeling next. He's happy one time he's mad. The next one, let's say you constantly just have to just have to be prepared for what stage, you know, the toddler is going to decide to show, but, um, yeah, I mean, we were at your parents. It was, yeah, like how you mentioned, there was a sense of comfort, at least for me too, knowing that when I did have to work, that I had, that when, when I was busy, that you weren't going to be alone, right, that you weren't going to be struggling with the kids. And, but at the same time for me, you know, I felt, constantly watched, right.

Jessica:

Um.

Yo daddy:

I mean, if that makes any sense, but like, I just couldn't be, Myself, I couldn't do, you know, if I wanted to, like, let's say grab something to drink, I'm like, you know, constantly looking around and see where they're, see where somebody's at. If I want it just like

Jessica:

Silence. Silence.

Yo daddy:

I feel comfortable with them. But at the same time, it's like, all right. I need, I need a little, you know, I need a little, I need a little space, but, um, yeah. And then moving over here, um, it was completely different, you know, we got finally what we wanted to raise our kids how we wanted to, without any input from anybody else. But going back to the same example, like how I use when I work, when I go to work, when I have to go to the office, it's like, I feel guilty. I feel guilty. But obviously, cause you know, I'm leaving you here with two little, very clingy kids, very extremely kids, needy, all the above. I love them. Don't get me wrong, but they, I'm sorry. They suck sometimes. I'll go ahead and say it, you know, but, um, and yeah, to be a little bit selfish. I feel a big sense of relief because being crammed up in this small spot for seven days out of the week. And then work time, it feels nice to get out, but I know you got it. I know you're more than capable of handling your own with these two. You give them stuff to do. They love you. Obviously, but after being gone for like eight, eight to 10 hours, you know, when I have to go into the office, coming back, seeing them smile, like once I walked into that door, there's nothing better, there's, there's no better feeling than that. Sometimes that's why I wish I can get that almost every day. That makes any sense, right?

Jessica:

Yeah, but you work mostly from home. And so how has that, how have you navigated that? Because they are attached to us. And And honestly, like, I'm just surprised that you haven't gotten fired yet because, you know, whenever you have meetings, one of them cries or one of them is like begging for you to hold them. And so, you know, and I think many families who are for the listeners who resonate, I think that this brings back the traumas that they've experienced when they were remote working, uh, during the COVID times, you know, during quarantine. And everyone talked about how hard it was, but right now we're living in a different time, right? We're in this post COVID world and you do have the ability to work from home. So how does that look like when, you know, your kids, our kids are here all day, right? So,

Yo daddy:

yeah, I mean, well, I'm very fortunate that my job is pretty flexible with this, um, you know, the, my company, they are, they kind of, how should I say, they kind of pride themselves in being, you know, family company almost whatever, but, um, yeah, I am fortunate in that aspect that when, you know, when they hear, you know, our kids running around in the background, I apologize to them. They're like, Hey, you know what? It's fine. We have kids of our own. So I am fortunate enough to work with people who are in somewhat of a similar situation as mine. I think that helps a lot, but, um, yeah, I mean, I guess to kind of answer your question, how do I cope or whatever with working from home and being here with you guys? Uh, I don't know, possibly the fact that I'm able to watch Netflix while I work and watching YouTube, all these other things, you know, I, I, I find it very, I I'm just that type of person that I find it, it's pretty easy for me to kind of, uh, Leave my body if you will right that might be here physically, but mentally I'm somewhere else think that helps me a lot especially like when I'm watching the show And especially hearing Diego scream in the background. Yeah, it annoys me. You know, I'm just like, what's going on? I feel like getting up, you know, to go help I do. But for them, sometimes when I'm stuck doing something, I mean, my, my one side of my brain is focused on Netflix. And the other one is focused on my job. So I mean, I think I'm able to kind of multitask in that. Multitasking kind of helps me get through my day to day. Stuff, shenanigans at work, if you will.

Jessica:

Yeah. So men can multitask because I hear they can't

Yo daddy:

Um,

Jessica:

putting you on the spot.

Yo daddy:

I guess

Jessica:

Oh,

Yo daddy:

Yeah. I, I

Jessica:

oof. You just broke the, the bro code or whatever.

Yo daddy:

I think my, my man card is gonna be revoked soon. So

Jessica:

Nah. Oh, man. Yeah, I mean, it's a good thing that you're finding a way to distract yourself, but I would say though, you know, you, I, I'm very lucky that you are here because I would be miserable is especially with, you know, school pickups and drop offs, right? And like Diego goes to school for like two and a half hours a day. Like that would have sucked if Mateo would come with all the time, you know? And especially right now in the winter where it takes like double the amount of time to Get people ready and out the door like, and all while taking these two little ones, like, at least I'm able to leave my tail with you and I just take Diego with me. Like, that's just one example. But there have been times when I have to go to like doctor's appointments or even meet up over for coffee for a business related thing. Like I know that I'm glad that your job is able to allow that, you know, flexibility where you don't feel like you're going to get in trouble. Obviously you don't take it for granted where, you know, you're taking full advantage of that too. But at least I know that I can count on you and I'm not alone in this kind of stay at home mom status, right? I think we're both stay at home parents. We are both co managing this aspect where, when you said like how we now have the ability to parent on our own terms. we have that freedom, I would say, where we're not confined to like, what others are going to say, no one else is looking at us, right? When we are raising our two little ones, I think there's a huge benefit that we are both working together to raise these two kids. I think a disadvantage is that it's just us two. And so how have you grappled with not having a village at our disposal when sometimes we do need it?

Yo daddy:

Well that word, that term, the terminology village, that's something that I never really understood because I was never really exposed to it, right? Um, it's, growing up it was just always the four of us, you know? And obviously, you know? and I guess to give some context to your viewers, my family is very reserved. Like we don't talk to each other. We don't tell each other how we're feeling. And we get that a lot from my dad. Right. And that's, even though throughout the years I've tried to be a little bit more open, be a little bit more, should I say vulnerable, like to just get help, if you will, from how I'm feeling or like to try to heal some stuff or whatever. But, um, Yeah, it's just, I don't know. I guess I just never really, never really expected help, I guess you can say. Right. Um, so I guess that's what me, yeah, it'd be nice if we could help, you know, like if we would want to go out on a date night, have somebody that we trust, Hey, can you take care of the kids? But obviously we don't have that. It doesn't really, me personally, it doesn't really affect me because.

Jessica:

Hmm.

Yo daddy:

I mean, at the end of the day, I want, I want our kids to be with us, even though sometimes it's like, all right. It'd be nice to, you know, pawn them off to somebody. Right. But like for the most part, I enjoy their presence. I enjoy us being together as a family, right? Cause who can we count on? Just us, just each other. And that's the way I look at it. I mean, again, don't get me wrong. It'd be nice to have a village, but, um, yeah, we got this. Hmm.

Jessica:

man, like, I don't think I've ever, heard this from you, like, getting your perspective as to not necessarily. needing a village because you didn't have one.

Yo daddy:

Well,

Jessica:

am I, I mean, I'm, I've been with, we've been together for a long ass time.

Yo daddy:

oh, yeah.

Jessica:

guess I've never seen it that way.

Yo daddy:

Yeah, I mean, I guess when you're put in different situations like right now, being face to face with you over a camera, you know, just these things, these thoughts that I guess just kind of reemerge, or these feelings that have reemerged, these experiences that have been, you know, kind of just pushed somewhere else. Uh, just kind of reemerged. I don't know. I don't know how else to say it.

Jessica:

Hmm.

Yo daddy:

but yeah. I mean, uh, yeah, I mean, I mean, our village is, I guess it's just you and I that

Jessica:

Yeah. And that is totally common nowadays and, and that is ultimately the American culture, right? You know, you have a family and it's just up to you to determine everything for your kid. And whereas for me, like I grew up with a village, I mean, I grew up with a multi multi generational household where it was. You know, my grandparents, my aunts, my cousins, my parents, my siblings, like all, everyone lived under this one building. And then once we moved out of my grandparents house, we still lived in proximity to them and my grandma took care of us. And so like my mom had the help, like she had her village and I, and I think she never had to worry about whether if. You know, me and my sisters were going to be hungry or if she, because she was a working mom, like she didn't have to worry about who's going to pick up, drop off the kids. I mean, once we got older, we, she did have to worry because my grandma, you know, they, then she didn't have the capacity and then they moved to Mexico. But at least when I was a little kid, like a little, little kid, like Diego's age right now. You know, I just remember being surrounded with so many people and it wasn't just my parents. And I guess that's why when I, you know, when my mom started to work, I was like Diego's age. Um, I, I don't remember necessarily missing her because I knew that I had this. Back up of like all these people in my life, you know, and, and so that was always something that I always thought that I would have, you know, when I had kids and now that I don't, I mean, I've been struggling a lot, I've been struggling a lot with that because I'm like, shit, like my kids don't have all these people, The way that I grew up being with and, and so, yeah, you know, I'm still grappling with that. I'm still, I mean, that's one of the reasons why I went back to therapy, you know, in a way I felt resent in a way I felt like sadness because my kids aren't with their tias, they aren't with their primos, they aren't with their grandparents. And then we, I get this pushback is like, well, you, y'all chose to move to the city, but You know, when it comes to making sacrifices, kind of going back to what you said, you know, this was a huge sacrifice that we had to make. In order for us to build generational wealth, right. To do something different. And we knew, we always knew that the suburbs wasn't for us, you know, we're just two city kids that, you know, we just love being in, in a big city and, and that suburban lifestyle wasn't for us. And so, but yeah, you know, it's, you know, It's been a journey. And I think this year was a lot. It took a lot of reflection, a lot of like deep diving, I guess, to realize, okay, well, I have to come, like, I just had to accept the fact that my kids aren't necessarily growing up with a village and in terms of like having a physical village, you know, the way that I grew up. Yeah.

Yo daddy:

that you, that they're kind of grown up the way I did.

Jessica:

Yeah,

Yo daddy:

Yeah, it'll be alright. That's our job to instill strength in them, so.

Jessica:

yeah. And there's other forms of having a village, you know, they, you know, we have friends, we have, uh, you know, people at Diego's school. Now we, you know, we go to Luna y Cielo and we meet all of these other parents who are also navigating their parenting journey as well. I have this community through Viva La Mami and you too, you know, you formed a community, uh, through, uh, the Latino dad connection and all of that. And so I think we're at least, we at least know that we're not the only ones struggling, you know, and that we can lean into like people who understand our struggle that get it. Um, yeah.

Yo daddy:

Yeah, yeah, I it's always going to be a continuous struggle. I mean, right now, once we get out of this stage, this phase where, you know, our kids are young, they're going to, and not necessarily knowing what's going on in their environment, then they're going to graduate to something else. And then after that, something else. So it's, it's going to be forever, I guess. The struggles are always going to be there. So I guess it's just how we adapt. That's the question. That's that we have to ask ourselves later on.

Jessica:

Yeah.

Yo daddy:

Yeah. Um, yeah, it's just, um, again, I guess I'm not trying to sound like a broken tape record here, right. But I guess going back to the term village, I mean, Yeah, I guess that's what gives me comfort is just knowing that we are their village and we are each other's village, right? I mean for the people that might ask since you mentioned that my parents are close by I know there's probably gonna be some people asking why don't we drop them off to them or let them take care of them And we do right but I guess now Sorry, Hermana, if you are hearing this or if you will anybody that knows my family, right? You know, I think we have come to a point and just developed a certain way that we want to raise our kids You Right. And, and let me know that some people out there probably can relate to this, but like, I don't want certain things that my parents are still accustomed to, like how I was brought up, I won't give any examples, whatever, right. But like just certain things that kind of trigger me sometimes a little bit, I kind of just want to stay a little bit away from that. Yeah, I'm not going to give any context. I'm not going to give any clues, but there's just certain things that I have seen how my parents talk to them and how it's kind of like, it just brings you back to, you know, my youth and, you know, some, some triggers that I have. That's why sometimes I kind of just feel like, yeah, let's not, let's, even though, don't get me wrong. I love it when, when, when, when they're with them, right. My, you know, Diego and Mateo, they love them. You know, my Diego always asks for them. Every time Mateo sees them, he goes like, you know, come here, come here. I love that. Sometimes, yeah, it's, a little bit of distance is good.

Jessica:

Yeah. Wow.

Yo daddy:

You

Jessica:

I didn't know you were going to say that,

Yo daddy:

you never know, right? I'm just, I'm

Jessica:

but I think

Yo daddy:

I'm just filled with surprises.

Jessica:

Alex, you, you surprised me like three times within this 30 minute conversation so far,

Yo daddy:

Hey, you know, I still have some surprises after a hundred years of being together, so.

Jessica:

right? No, I, but I want to thank you for sharing that because yes, I think a lot of people can totally resonate with why. You are setting boundaries. And I think that is powerful. And I think it's, it takes a lot of courage, but also a lot of understanding within oneself about the reasons why. You know, you are setting boundaries, and a lot of people can't, you know, a lot of people, even though they want to, whether if it's like kind of like similar to this example, or for me, sometimes I do struggle with setting boundaries. I think it, this is a reminder for those that, you know, if, if you don't. Want to take your kids to a specific deal's house and you think that you're going to be shamed about it or, you know, in this example, you know, you perhaps don't fully want your kids to be exposed to the way that you grew up. Um, yeah, I think. It all comes down to, your values and what kind of outcomes you want for your kids. And I think we have done a pretty good job in terms of, them having a wonderful relationship with your parents, you know, I love, your parents, they, I mean, they've seen me grow up the way that my parents have seen you grow up, I think it's very important to set those boundaries because It's not only healthy for our kids, but also for you too. And I think you fully respect your parents, you know, and I think out of that respect, yeah, well, I don't know if you're afraid of them because they're not going to do anything. I am fully confident that they're not going to do anything to you, but I think in a way it's also important if you want to break these cycles, someone has to do the work, and I think you are doing the work by, you know, setting those specific boundaries.

Yo daddy:

Thank you for that.

Jessica:

So I know that we're talking a lot about, maybe we're going to talk a lot about your upbringing. Who knows? But, and you don't have to disclose anything, obviously, but what is something you want for your kids compared to the way that you grew up?

Yo daddy:

Being more open. Yeah, that was definitely pretty easy right there. Yeah, I mean, again, like I mentioned briefly, I was, my family's still here and don't really talk. I want that to be different for my kids. I want them to have something going on. I don't want them to be afraid of me. I want them to look at me as somebody that? can guide them, obviously, because I'm their dad. But, just most important, I just don't want them to be afraid to speak to me about anything. You know, if they're feeling sad, obviously I want to be there for them. If they're feeling happy or whatever, cuéntame, you know, I'm here. I always want them to know that I'll always be here. That's definitely the biggest thing for me. I just want to, I want to be there. I want them to know, that they can.

Jessica:

Yeah, Yeah, And it's, it's awesome how you're breaking generational curses, right? That we grew up with. I

Yo daddy:

I really am. It's hard, you know, it's a lot. A lot of habits hard to break. Yeah, like how Diego calls me enojón and mess

Jessica:

think he just says it because he wants it his way. You know, he also needs to understand boundaries. He needs to understand that there are rules, right? And, and you're not, Threatening him, you're not hitting him, you're not parenting the way that you were, that I was that many of us were. And especially as sons and daughters of immigrants, a lot of the things that we were parented were very influential to like old school way of thinking, very traditional, authoritarian way of. Of thinking. And I think that it comes to the expense though, on us to do the work, right. And even though it's a lot of work that we're doing, because in a way we're consciously aware like, okay. I know that I don't want to parent the way that I was parented but if something happens, if some little mistakes or if you will, like happens, we then put ourselves really like bad. Like we, end up regretting what we said. We feel ashamed of what we did. And, and I think that you should give yourself grace. I should give myself grace too. that even though We don't want to emulate what, what our parents did. We're not them, you know

Yo daddy:

Yeah.

Jessica:

Yeah. But I think, a great job and I think, yes, it does take a lot of work for us to unlearn and relearn the things that we grew up, but I am glad that you're not like, Many Latino men who are still repeating the cycle, and what would you say to a new dad or to a dad that's kind of grappling with this sort of identity in terms of, oh, I need to be strong and confident? I should not show emotion in front of my kids. I should still discipline the way that I was disciplined, but they're kind of wanting to change that. Like, what would you say to that father?

Yo daddy:

I don't know what I would say, But I know what I would have liked to have heard. And then I became a dad. I know that it's important to, I guess just seek out other people that are like going to be in the same situation and people who have gone through it, Like for me, what really helped me, shout out to Latino Dad Connection, what really helped me was, you know, speaking to, you know, like minded men, people who have gone through the, the being a first time dad, people who are, should I say, just open to, to being different. You know, parenting different, like breaking that, what did you call it? Breaking that, um,

Jessica:

Generational

Yo daddy:

you just said it breaking that, uh, yeah, that breaking that stuff because, yeah, like you said, I know for sure that I don't want to be the same way as, you know, my parents were with me. and another thing would be. it's okay to be vulnerable, you know, like, cause, and I still, yeah, I put up a front, right, cause, I mean, it is important to show your kids strength. That's one thing for sure. But it's one thing that's way more difficult is finding that balance between strength and Being okay with being vulnerable, right? yeah, just, I guess just always show up as your authentic self. That's one thing that I always wanted to, I would have liked to have heard from somebody.

Jessica:

So we've, I guess in this case, like we are experienced parents, we've gone through the newborn phase twice. We've learned how to manage. That transition from like zero to one and then one to two and how that impacted our relationship, right? And we had to navigate it as a couple. So what would you, you know, tell a dad who was like struggling and, and trying to find that balance between fatherhood and partnership?

Yo daddy:

is just don't forget both of you. They're both, they're both individuals decided to take on this journey, right? Don't forget that it's not one's sole responsibility to take on all the load, right? Of parenting. It's a team. And secondly, I would say, Always compliment, always make your partner feel, you know, even if it's just like, Hey, I love your hair. Like the way you look, I think that's important, right? I mean, always just make sure that, that, that, that intimacy will not go away. Cause we all know that, you know, especially as new parents. That virtually doesn't almost exist, right? So it's, it's, it's important to, just to let your partner know that you're, that they're still wanted.

Jessica:

Yeah. Yeah, I think that's definitely important and I know that I've struggled a lot when we were when we first had Diego not that I only wanted him right now or I only wanted to mother but it was very hard To get into the flow of like, you know Checking in on you being You Like intimate with you Like that that I think many newer parents struggle, but I think to the second time around, I allowed myself to not even worry about. like, the way that I looked, because a lot of women struggle with like having this new body, right, having this different identity and how they want to prioritize their kid versus like their partner. Uh, and I think that I was in a better mindset the second time around than the first time around. Yeah. Yeah. But I'm glad that you, I mean, yeah, you've always been present with me.

Yo daddy:

I, I try. I mean, I know that sometimes when we're over here, I seem distant, but

Jessica:

No, you're never distant. You're never distant. Yeah. Yeah. And kind of speaking about relationship stuff, I actually got a question from one of my followers and the question was, how do you work on not projecting internal stress, whether if it's about work or parenting onto your spouse? So what would you say to that? Yeah. Yeah.

Yo daddy:

I guess for me, like specifically when just talking about us, I mean, I, I I don't like to see you get hurt. Right. And I think more so, and it's probably not the healthiest way. Right. But like, if I'm feeling like down stress or whatever, for whatever reason, it may be, I keep it inside. Right. Because I think more so about. You like your well being then I do my own like I said, yes, it's probably not the healthiest way But I prefer to see you happy, you know I don't want to project my I don't want to project my negativity on to you because obviously you have a lot on your plate Right, and it's probably not the best advice or like the best thing to give to your audience, right? but Just think about the other person, right, Obviously you love that person. Just remember that hurting somebody's feelings or just bringing them down. This is never good, right?

Jessica:

But it's interesting because for some reason though, I know when you are under stress.

Yo daddy:

it's cause I saw it.

Jessica:

Yeah, but I mean, you don't show it necessarily, but I know kind of like your breathing patterns. I know when you're breathing really hard, Versus like when you're a little calm and and that's a natural body response, right? When you are under stress and or when you're just like very quiet, although you are quiet, but

Yo daddy:

No, I'm

Jessica:

But like when you're very quiet and you're not looking at me in the eye You know, that's usually when I'm like, Hmm, something's going on. And, you know, for me, like, I ask questions and I'm like, Is everything okay? And I know that I sound like a broke, broken record, but I know that you're doing this out of the kindness of your heart where you're like, Oh, I don't wanna Add this extra layer to her and I get it, but I think that you are also human, right? You can be hurting and I think that it's important to talk, but I'm glad that, you know, when I do ask you, Hey, is everything okay? You at least tell me, if it's something that's very impacting you, then you, that's when you open up. And I appreciate you doing that because. I might have a lot of stuff under my plate or, there may be a lot of baggage that I'm carrying too and you know when to like respond depending on how you're feeling and depending on how I'm feeling. And I think that has been kind of like the power and the beauty of our relationship. For me, kind of going back to that question in terms of how do you work on not projecting internal stress, uh, I mean, it's very hard for me. It's like, I, I definitely show my, like, I am a very emotional person in terms of just expressing how I feel and I prefer to let it out. And I feel that sometimes you do feed off of my energy. So I need to be careful on that because. I don't want both of us to be angry just because one of us started. And, and that's something I need to be more aware of. And I think it's the way that I grew up. my family is very outspoken. We just express ourselves whenever the fuck we want, you know, like we just, we don't keep a poker face. Which is a good thing, but then it's that intent versus impact, right? Like essentially, how are my intentions essentially impacting others? And that's, you know, sometimes you do feed off of that, uh, whether if it's like negative energy or just like, Whoa, like over the top energy that sometimes I put out. And I think I need to, you know, just learn how to. Keep my cool in certain times. Yeah, I think we are each other's yin and yang, right? Like at the end of the day, we end up balancing each other out. And I think that has been a very helpful and it has been a. Positive aspect of our relationship.

Yo daddy:

just to be vague. I mean, I just want to be better for you. I just want to be a better support system for you. I want to be

Jessica:

Yeah. Likewise. Yeah. Well, Yeah, thank you again for being here, uh, for a second year. I think we're gonna keep doing this every year, especially at the end of the season I think it's really good to, for listeners to check in on us because again, um, if it wasn't for you, I wouldn't have been a mom, you know? And, and I know that there's a lot of single parents too, right? Like that being in a relationship shouldn't be a whole aspect of like parenthood, but. You know, being that we are in a relationship, I think it's important to have you here and especially hearing it from the male perspective, specifically the Latino perspective. And so, yeah, yeah. Thank you so much for being here. I appreciate it.

Yo daddy:

Thank you for having me