148. How to Break Free from Marianismo with Juda Avila, MA, AMFT

In this week's episode, we welcome Juda Avila, a bilingual therapist and postpartum coach who's doing incredible work with first-gen Latina moms. As someone who experienced postpartum depression twice and grew up witnessing the silent sacrifices of Marianismo, Juda brings both professional expertise and lived experience to this conversation. We dive deep into the cultural expectations that keep us silent about our struggles, the identity loss that comes with motherhood, and most importantly, how we can redefine what it means to be a "good mom" without erasing ourselves in the process.

For detailed show notes, visit vivalamami.com/episode148

What You'll Hear:

• What "silent grief" really means for professional Latina moms and why we struggle to voice our losses.
• How Marianismo shapes our motherhood experience, creating the cultural expectation that we must sacrifice everything.
• Matrescence explained, and why it's critically under-supported in our communities.
• The Self-Care Menu framework - a practical approach to filling your cup daily, weekly, monthly, and yearly without the mom guilt.
• Why there's no such thing as perfect balance, and how to embrace the "beautiful dance" of prioritizing different parts of your life at different times.
• Building community and finding support systems beyond your partner, especially when cultural barriers make it hard to ask for help.

Resources Mentioned:

• Postpartum Support International (PSI) - Free resources in English
• PSI en Español - Spanish-language support and community
• Dr. Alexandra Sacks' TED Talk on Matrescence
• Connect with Juda: 
  • Instagram: @jjpostpartumwellness
  • TikTok: @judapsicycoach
  • Website: bio.site/jjwellnesscoaching

Transcript

juda-avila-_1_11-03-2025_100830 0:00

Why can't I just be like, oh my gosh, I miss myself so much. Or, oh my gosh, I, I feel angry that I am the fallback, the main caregiver for my household, therefore I have to put my career on hold. Um, and it's silent because it's a cultural expectation that comes from Maria Nimo that because that's her role. That's the expectation that she is the main, of the, of the house. So that's the belief that, you know, again, that moms are gonna be sacrificing themselves over, uh, over others.

Jessica 1:47

Ola Ola, welcome to the AMI podcast. My name is Jessica Cuevas and I am very excited to have a special guest on the show. Uh, her name is Huda and she is a bilingual associate marriage and family therapist. Postpartum coach, maternal mental health advocate, A PSI member, and you're also a workshop facilitator and mom of two. And I love all that you're doing because it is very nuanced and specific to Latina, specifically Latina moms. And you help ambitious first generation mothers to redefine motherhood and reclaim their spark and create lives that honor both their personal aspirations and their family. So Huda, I am very excited to have you on the show because we're gonna delve deep into how we can help Mama sort of reframe that narrative of what they grew up with in terms of like la, right, Lia Mariani, all of those terms, and essentially images that we grew up with from seeing it from our moms and Abuelas and everyone else before them. And I'm just very thrilled to have you. So thank you so much for being on the show.

juda-avila-_1_11-03-2025_100830 3:06

thank you so much. I am super, super excited. started like my whole postpartum theme work about two years ago. And for those that are new here and don't know me, most of my work, if you check out, my Instagram page is about 99.9% in Spanish. So I'm very excited to just get the word out there in, in English and then I'll be doing more on my content, like more of a English, Spanish, and Spanglish combination. But yes, I'm very excited to talk about these topics, to psychoeducation, uh, first gen Latina and any other moms that out there that can benefit from this. And then we're gonna learn about some like, Hey, so what do I do I feel this way? Or, I want to achieve more than just being a mom. So thank you so much for

Jessica 3:58

Yes, absolutely. Thank you. And Huda, first of all, tell us a little bit more about your family. Uh, before we delve into the conversation,

juda-avila-_1_11-03-2025_100830 4:08

I am a first gen Mexican American female. I grew up in California, specifically in Santa Clara County, both of my parents immigrated from Mexico, from the state of Jalisco. They actually met in the US and then had me and then my other three sisters. So we grew up with, um, having immigrant parents, um, being a parentified child, means learn the eldest daughter. Yeah. And then. Learning how to be, uh, a responsible little kid while helping my parents navigate the system in the us the education system. So going through all of those kinda barriers and being also, um, a pathway for, for my sisters. We grew up in a very low income family, so I know what it means, to struggle. I know what the language barrier means and does, um, we have had gone homeless in the year of 2015. This is not, not a lot of people know about this. So, uh, my heart it's very, very close to people that don't have a home. And let me tell you, it's expensive.

Jessica 5:24

Mm.

juda-avila-_1_11-03-2025_100830 5:25

to be, um, to be homeless. So all of this stuff has really just helped me. In my journey shaped who I am, the work that I, um, that I do. And yeah, I'm a first gen college, uh, student. I went from high school directly to, um, a four year university, and that's a whole nother topic that we can talk about. How first gen navigate higher education and then navigating grad school, which that's another topic too, that it's like, oh, hey, this is quite new. Who is going to show me the, the ways and the, and the ropes? And currently, um, I have my own family. I am now a mom. I, my daughter is five years old and I have a little baby boy who is a year and two months.

Jessica 6:20

Yay. That's awesome. I love it. And thank you so much for sharing your story because it not only gives context of like, why is it that you're doing this kind of work and helping Latina moms, uh, navigate their motherhood journey, but it's also it. From a professional standpoint, right? It also gives you that level of like empathy and understanding to those populations as well. Uh, because oftentimes when we need support, and I can see it from like my mom and my aita, when they needed professional support, there was no sense of like cultural competency that they received. And even right now with the systems that are in place in today's world, when you know that we live in such a multicultural world, oftentimes you feel limited in receiving that care, uh, from professionals and, and, and it's hard to, to seek that. And so I'm really glad that you, uh, despite the circumstances and the adversity that you went through, I'm really glad that you are now in a level where you can help those that have historically been underrepresented. So I'm really glad that you're here.

juda-avila-_1_11-03-2025_100830 7:36

Thank

Jessica 7:36

Yes. Yes. Well, Huda your work with ambitious first gen Latina moms who are navigating something you call silent grief. So can you kind of paint a picture for us in terms of what is silent grief? And this is the first time that I've heard of it in, in reading your, bio and information, right? So like in the day-to-day life of a professional Latina mom, like what does that silent grief look like and how does it often go unspoken?

juda-avila-_1_11-03-2025_100830 8:08

Yeah, absolutely. And you know what, this, some of the terms that I'm going to be mentioning, I've also had to learn for

Jessica 8:15

Hmm.

juda-avila-_1_11-03-2025_100830 8:15

just by asking, or, Hey, I'm feeling a what is this? And it supports and it helps us to find a term so that we can tackle it and be like, okay, so that's what I'm experiencing. This is what I'm going through. It's anyone else Also experience it. So just to let the audience know that, hey, this is some, some terms that I've been learning along the way as well because I didn't have a lot of. Uh, role models that could support me in, uh, regulating my feelings or understanding what is going on in my mind, because we're gonna talk about specifically, uh, mental health or maternal mental

Jessica 9:00

Hmm.

juda-avila-_1_11-03-2025_100830 9:01

the Latina community. Especially in the Mexican culture again, right? Because my, my family and I am, um, we're from, from Mexico and I know it can be very similar in other countries. So yes, before I like delve in a little bit into that, I, I actually experienced postpartum depression in both of my pregnancies. It was a lot more intense in my first pregnancy. Um. And so it happened really quick.

Jessica 9:33

Hmm.

juda-avila-_1_11-03-2025_100830 9:33

really quick in my mind. I thought, Hey, I don't think I'm gonna get pregnant. I don't think like this is gonna happen in a few years. And my, in my head, I had a lot of plan that I was gonna finish grad school. I had completed my first year of grad school. And so I envisioned myself as just more of like a workaholic first gen type of thing, and giving back to that sacrifice that my parents did for coming and having us live in the, in the us. So that was my mentality, that, hey, I need to hustle. I need to get my degree, I need to do really well so that I can take care of my, of my parents and do well for myself, my sisters, and the rest for of my committee. Like set that example. So that was really hard when I, um, when I became pregnant. And then during my pregnancy, I actually took a break, my first break from graduate school.

Jessica 10:32

Hmm.

juda-avila-_1_11-03-2025_100830 10:33

I was battling so much mentally in my body and so I was a complete disaster. recently, with all the work that I've been doing, talking to other colleagues, doing collaborations, being more involved in this perinatal mental health world, um. We have talked about, and I say we, because with other colleagues that are also, um, from other Latin, Latin countries that we have talked about this silent grief that mothers go through. So what is, um, silent grief? So basically is the mourning, the mourning of so many losses that, uh, professional women go through, such as, so what happens in this silent, um, these silent losses, right? Because sometimes it's something that maybe physically we don't s we don't lose, right? Kind of like losing a pet, losing a family member or, or you know, I, my car mourning a car that, you know, maybe was wrecked in a, in a car accident. So again, it's the, the silent losses that we, that happen spontaneously and sometimes we just don't have control over these. Things and then just cause us to have so many thoughts in our, in our head. So, like I mentioned, right, we lose a lot of that time. We don't have a lot of that time. Whether, uh, and perinatal mental health comes from, uh, starting to conceive a, a baby, not even just from pregnancy, but starting to conceive.'cause there's so much that can go through, uh, mentally and physically and financially for so many people. And that can take a lot of time away from, you know, professional first gen,

Jessica 12:27

Yeah.

juda-avila-_1_11-03-2025_100830 12:28

So it's a lot of time

Jessica 12:38

Mm-hmm.

juda-avila-_1_11-03-2025_100830 12:39

Our identity because since we lose that, you know, that that time it's, it's now, oh, who, who am I? have I become? Am I just a mom? How do I split my time? If you have other kids with my, with my other children, with the other activities that I used to have, how do I have more time for my partner, for my community, and so many other things that we, yeah, we feel constrained in that, in that time, uh, that we have. So yes, I, I, time is like a big one for me,

Jessica 13:15

Yeah,

juda-avila-_1_11-03-2025_100830 13:16

I have other stuff, but yeah.

Jessica 13:17

no. Yeah, that, and I am very certain that everyone n has. Known this, this kind of feeling, right? That, that we've all gone through this type of experience and I love it that now you are putting this into words for us. Uh, especially for those that never heard of like silent grief. Like again, never heard of this and it, it makes it so interesting, right, that oftentimes when we don't have the language, we may feel like we are inferior or we're different, we are isolated. And hopefully through this knowledge base that we are getting today, we're able to feel a little bit. Content and, um, knowing that we're not alone. And I, and that is the whole purpose of not just this episode, but this podcast, this community of Viva La that, you know, I want Latina moms to feel empowered so that they can choose their own path in Madre Hood. And through this level of empowerment, they have the tools like your knowledge, right, to better inform Latina moms about how they're gonna choose their path. And I know that a lot of times we are highly influenced by the people around us. I mean, we are social beings, right? And I'm now bringing my sociology, you know, uh, degree here. But we are all like social beings that essentially we get influenced with what we see, what we hear, what we know based on our social circles. And when it comes to mariani, most specifically. Even though maybe some families don't have that word in mind. Right. You know, like it's just the culture that is so embedded in us that we often don't see it. We just act on it. Right. And, and it's all based on behaviors, based on what we see from our family, specifically Las la you know, Las that were, that we were raised from. And so for listeners who may not be so familiar, um, about Maria Nismo, can you explain what it is and how this sort of cultural expectation shows up in our own mare hood?

juda-avila-_1_11-03-2025_100830 15:41

I heard this term

Jessica 15:42

Okay.

juda-avila-_1_11-03-2025_100830 15:43

an undergrad back in like 2013 ish. Um. And then started to work more with it a few years back now doing like my postpartum, my postpartum work. And so Maria Nimo is the term that was coined in the, in the seventies by political scientists, Evelyn uh Stevens. And it was kind of to give the other face of machismo. So what is exactly Maria Nismo. So it's that cultural expectation that women are self-sacrificing. It doesn't matter if mom is mentally exhausted, if mom is physically exhausted, she has an illness. If she's working, if she has other community responsibilities, she is a self-sacrificing being, she doesn't have any feelings, she doesn't have any aches, and mom is available. 24 7 for everyone in her household, including the children, including the pets, including the house, including the spouse, and the rest of all the other roles that she is in, not for herself.

Jessica 17:03

Hmm. Yeah.

juda-avila-_1_11-03-2025_100830 17:10

And so I just wanted to go a little bit back about that silent grief that yes, I mentioned that we lose a lot of time. Or is the trying to conceive maybe feeling ill or having, uh, complexities in pregnancy or, you know, even. When in labor and after, in postpartum and you know, the, the children. But yes, we lose the time. We, uh, and I include myself, I've been there,

Jessica 17:36

Mm-hmm.

juda-avila-_1_11-03-2025_100830 17:37

experienced feeling exhausted. Um, the guilt for wanting alone time, like I mentioned before, missing, missing your premo, premo self, and then having like those flush moments of resentment with your partner or, um, with other people, even professionals out

Jessica 17:57

Hmm.

juda-avila-_1_11-03-2025_100830 17:58

some of them are not trained in this perinatal mental health, um, topic and can be very insensitive to what someone, what moms are going, are going through. Um, and so another part of that silent grief is, you know, missing opportunity.

Jessica 18:15

Hmm.

juda-avila-_1_11-03-2025_100830 18:16

opportunities. And so over functioning, trying to, you know, work and prove yourself, am I still like a professional? Am I a mom and I'm an entrepreneur? Am I still spiritually like, connected to my, uh, to my spirituality? Um, and then that, again, like I mentioned, the difficulty of enjoying like those small, uh, milestones because you're just so worried that you gave up something now that now you're a mom or vice, vice versa, right? Because I'm at work, I'm

Jessica 18:47

Hmm.

juda-avila-_1_11-03-2025_100830 18:48

or these milestones, or because I'm with my children, I miss these work op opportunities. So this is going to tie to Maria Nismo. is, so why is this silent? Why can't I just be like, oh my gosh, I miss myself so much. Or, oh my gosh, I, I feel angry that I am the fallback, the main caregiver for my household, therefore I have to put my career on hold. Um, and it's silent because it's a cultural expectation that comes from Maria Nimo that because that's her role. That's the expectation that she is the main, of the, of the house. So that's the belief that, you know, again, that moms are gonna be sacrificing themselves over, uh, over others. And right now is the, that created this cultural exp expectation that. We say, or mothers have said in our, in our Mexican culture.

Jessica 20:01

Mm.

juda-avila-_1_11-03-2025_100830 20:04

Yes. Good. I'm glad you will. I would do too. I would give my life. I'm, I'm sure

Jessica 20:10

Yeah.

juda-avila-_1_11-03-2025_100830 20:11

but I like to change it and say,

Jessica 20:16

Mm.

juda-avila-_1_11-03-2025_100830 20:17

when we say I'm going to take care of my mental health, because sometimes that takes a toll that I don't have the motivation, like I'm going to take care of my health because I need to live, healthy, feel well, so that I can take care and provide for others.

Jessica 20:38

Wow, that is deep. And again, the power of words. The power of like just what you mentioned, I think it already and hopefully helps reframe that narrative. Especially, you know, that is so relevant that we hear it so many times. We, we are those like martyrs and we're willing to do anything and everything for our kids. But I think it's definitely important to put us into consideration. Like, and it's okay to say I'm gonna take care of myself first so that then I can help serve my kids. And it can be uncomfortable to, to hear that. Right.

juda-avila-_1_11-03-2025_100830 21:35

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Jessica 21:37

but considering that we are in a generation that we seen it, learned from it, and now we're trying to relearn from all of the things that was essentially brought up upon us. We have that leverage to change something. We have that leverage to really reconsider ourselves as humans, not as robots, not as like superheroes. I mean, we have feelings, we have emotions like we, you know, we have pain. Like we also should put ourselves, um, into a different level than the way that our past generations were. And I love that you mentioned that e you know, you do mention, uh, that you specialize in something called metres. And so. What is this? You know, why do you think that first gen moms, professional moms, um, in particular, struggle with this transition? And how does losing touch with who you were before having kids contribute to postpartum anxiety and depression?

juda-avila-_1_11-03-2025_100830 22:44

Yeah. And I was just like you a few years ago that I said, gimme Steppa, Sanda. Why do I feel this this resentment that I want to be or have becoming a mom? And it's again, that part of that cultural expectation of Maria Nismo that my grief becomes now silent because I, we are actually, we are scared of being judged and sound ungrateful and that we are selfish. So sometimes when we lack the, the language, like I mentioned before, or the terms, such as, you know, resin silent grief, we assume that our feelings are abnormal and we need to suppress them because whoa forbid, forbid that you want more than being a mom, forbid, that you have aspirations and goals outside of motherhood. So again, by naming it, we. Give that validation, we empathize with ourselves, and then we have something to tackle on. And again, like I shared before, I would say like, why am I missing my premo self? Why do I feel like this pool of, I want the best of these two worlds. I want to continue to make money, I want to grow in my career, but I also want to be a present loving mom. And this is really, really important that I mention this because I'm sure that there's so many moms that feel this way. Um, just through, you know, my work that I've done in therapy or coaching or just moments that I'm able to, to talk, um, with in messages or

Jessica 24:37

Mm-hmm.

juda-avila-_1_11-03-2025_100830 24:38

that this does come up. And sometimes I tell them. me tell you that, that this is very

Jessica 24:43

Mm-hmm.

juda-avila-_1_11-03-2025_100830 24:44

This is, this is a very common feeling. This is something that happens so much, not just maybe in the professional working or ambitious go-getter moms, but in so many moms that it's like, yeah, I don't really have a lot of time. I'm really tired. I'm really exhausted. I don't know how to regulate myself. Like, because my body has changed. Like sometimes we can't change it. I know that my foot size has changed and I'm like, I had to get rid

Jessica 25:15

Yep. Yep.

juda-avila-_1_11-03-2025_100830 25:17

and I'm so sad about that. But let's get to the, to the good part of what is matrescence. So here goes a little bit of scientific, uh, background. So again, it was, uh, published, it was coined in the 1970s by anthropologist Danana, Rafael. And she published it in her book called The Tender Gift. but it wasn't getting too much acknowledgement. And so in 2017, Dr. Alexandra Sachs, she actually gave it more of a voice through a TED talk that she has. So for those that are viewing us, you can look it up on YouTube, Dr. Alexandra Sachs. And Ted talk on matrescence. And it's a tricky word to say and to, um, to pronounce, but it's basically, she talks about reframing that transition and naming that transition to motherhood as a developmental face, just like adolescence happens. That is, a passage, a transition of in development in the, in the human being where mothers feel ambivalence, disoriented, huge identity loss. Dr. Alexander Sachs, argues that we need to normalize these changes in women and support them instead of pathologizing. That's another topic that I wanna talk more in my, uh, in my social

Jessica 26:54

Yeah.

juda-avila-_1_11-03-2025_100830 26:55

because. Well, and okay, so I'll finish here. That instead of patho, pathologizing basically means, oh, you have postpartum depression, or perinatal depression, or you have postpartum or perinatal, um, anxiety, or you have this, uh, diagnosis in the mental health book, which comes from, it's called the DSM. It's a really book that we have out there. Um, and then, yeah, so Ensure mares is, it's normal, it's important, and it's under supported.

Jessica 27:22

Hmm. Wow. I'm learning a lot. I'm sure listeners, viewers are learning a lot. I will definitely link that, uh, TED talk so that we have some groundwork, you know, foundation, uh, to better again, inform ourselves. and I think that that falls into, you know, just like not having the words, the understanding that we are still developing the same way as our children. And it's interesting that. As moms, like I remember getting books beyond books about baby development, pregnancy stages, like you know what to expect when expecting, like all of these like different resources that are out there and I'm sure creates billions and billions of dollars s about our development. You know, about our, evolving evolvement, if that's a word of like being a mom. And I still feel I'm your five years in from your first child in motherhood. I'm almost five years in and I still feel like I am evolving. I still feel like I am clearly not the person that I was. I went through that grief stage, you know? But in terms of my. Development as a mom, like I feel like I am still changing and I'm still becoming, I don't know what or who, and it's not like I don't need data or science to inform me sometimes when I am in the thick of it, of like parenting and motherhood. I wish that there could be resources and maybe perhaps a community. That's why you and I are doing work right to, to better, uni that, but it, it's interesting that even for us and society, we don't get to invest on the res of motherhood. I don't know what your thoughts are about this, but I just wanted to kind of give that little ran.

juda-avila-_1_11-03-2025_100830 29:30

So let's imagine this came out in the seventies, It was picking up and it's, we still need a lot more research. And this is in English. This is in English.

Jessica 29:44

Mm-hmm.

juda-avila-_1_11-03-2025_100830 29:46

If in English, it doesn't even have a lot of, uh, popularity. this term, let's imagine for our Spanish speaking communities, for our Latin, um, countries. So let's just imagine how much work we, since we both speak Spanish, we need to continue to do, and this is like the rite of passage, the rite of development that happens because it's really hard. I remember that I became pregnant. I was really, really happy, super excited, very blessed, and I know that I'm not the only one. And I always thought, oh my gosh, I'm the only one. This is so bad. What a bad human being or mom or women I am. When my baby was born, literally I was still in the hospital. I did not feel that emotional connection. my mom was the only one there in the room with me, I could see that interaction with her. It's something that I'm now able to experience with my baby boy. And yes, the guilt comes in where, but again, it happens a lot. It can, you can be a first time mom, second, third, because we're always a first time mom in all

Jessica 31:16

Mm-hmm.

juda-avila-_1_11-03-2025_100830 31:21

So it takes a time. It's, it's a, a developmental stage to get there, to connect emotionally with our children. Um, because yes, you just literally had a baby out of your body. And now, and yes, there's, well, there's another topic of all the trauma that involves in the labor and delivering that. It's like, Hey, I just came out of this labor war because it's so painful. It's painful. Your body mentally. That it's not need to connect with a baby. It's like, whoa, what happened to me?

Jessica 32:00

Mm-hmm.

juda-avila-_1_11-03-2025_100830 32:01

my experience? Why is no one taking

Jessica 32:03

Mm-hmm.

juda-avila-_1_11-03-2025_100830 32:04

Why is no one validating, empathizing, putting attention to what I just went, like literally, we just went a

Jessica 32:10

Mm-hmm.

juda-avila-_1_11-03-2025_100830 32:11

whether it was, um, a vaginal bird, c-section, emergency de was our delivery. A lot of the times, yes, we do have like these trauma labor stories that come up and that's, that can be very difficult, to connect with our babies and again, really own that, um, identity as, as a

Jessica 32:34

Hmm. Yeah. Whew. Yeah. And, and I think that all falls back to self care. And I think in, in Aura, you know, we definitely receive La Ena, right? Everyone is Yes. Helping you with the baby, but they're also taking care of you. And then afterwards it's like, ah, yeah. You know, and, and I think with self-care specifically, even though it is such a buzz word. For many Latina moms, we struggle. We don't really know what self-care is because we didn't see it through our moms. And I remember my mom specifically, she was a working mom. All what she did was just like, return back from work, take care of whatever needed to be taken care of for the next day. You know, it was again, serving our family, making sure that we are fed, making sure that, you know, everything is ready for the next day. And it was just like a go, go, go kind of, um, environment and clearly very US centric, right? And, and so I never got to see my mom really take care of herself. It wasn't until. She literally became a grandma and she was like, I'm gonna take care of me. And now I am seeing that. But why is it that it had to take 20 plus years, right? For her, for me at least, to see that she was taking care of herself. And at least for moms right now, that are early on in their motherhood journey, you know? And I would say, I don't know. I don't know if there's a specific timeline of like when you are a young mom versus like an experienced, but at least for those that are starting into this new stage, how would you help us redefine what self-care is in a way that actually feels doable. And that doesn't trigger either the guilt. Or that because they didn't see it growing up, that it's nonexistent. Like how can we reframe that and rechange that?

juda-avila-_1_11-03-2025_100830 34:36

recently I worked with a mom that she, because I have a module called, uh, self, the self-care menu. That I created. And so, uh, this mom is from Mexico. She has three, three kids in one, in, um, well actually two in elementary school and one in high school. And so she said, I'm, I don't know what is self-care for moms? Like, what does that mean? Um, can you explain that to me? And so I asked her to explain it to me, like, what do you think is this term about? So basically, basically, um, she said, well, I don't know. Like I, take care of myself. I brush my teeth, I do my hair. Yeah, I wear some makeup, I exercise, like I do this. It's just a routine

Jessica 35:23

Hmm.

juda-avila-_1_11-03-2025_100830 35:24

So again, just because we didn't see it model y, we didn't see it model again. From, again, the cultural expectation.

Jessica 35:45

Mm-hmm.

juda-avila-_1_11-03-2025_100830 35:46

So again, since we don't see that model growing up, we just don't know these terms or what it does for our mental health and our overall wellbeing. So what I really like to work with moms, and I share this a lot, is that we are like a cup, but we're like a cup. And we're this cup and we're pouring into others, we're pouring into our child, one child, two, three, how, how many we have, um, the community, so many other things to the house, the dishes, mopping, cleaning the laundry, what happens to our cup?

Jessica 36:27

Mm-hmm.

juda-avila-_1_11-03-2025_100830 36:27

There's nothing. There's nothing. So I say, when you have an empty cup, what do you pour? Nothing. There's nothing to pour when the battery is dead. Nothing. The battery can't. So I let moms know that we are this cup pouring into other people throughout the day. When this cup comes empty, we can't give anything. But what can we give? We give anger, we give sadness, all of that stuff.

Jessica 37:04

Hmm.

juda-avila-_1_11-03-2025_100830 37:06

Well, I wonder why. I wonder why. Nothing can't give nothing. So I tell moms that yes, specifically it's not, we can't think like that anymore because like I said, we are constantly giving, constantly giving. Sometimes we don't have a very involved partner. Uh, or just they just don't know. They just don't know.

Jessica 37:42

Right.

juda-avila-_1_11-03-2025_100830 37:42

again, and m Maria, you know, the, the spouse typically is the one just working. So I tell moms, okay, and this, this is where comes the module that I created. I have a worksheet as, as well. So what the menu basically is the appetizer. The appetizer is a daily activity that hopefully can become non-negotiable. is that

Jessica 38:33

Mm-hmm.

juda-avila-_1_11-03-2025_100830 38:34

it's the law. my law. So what? What can you do every day? That's the appetizer of the self-care menu. it's drinking coffee, exercising, talking to a friend, going for a walk for me is taking a shower at least twice a day.

Jessica 38:52

Hmm.

juda-avila-_1_11-03-2025_100830 38:53

And I have noticed that the water at me, that contact that has to my skin supports and regulates my nervous system. So when I feel that, Hey, you know what, I'm at the last straw, I can't do it anymore. Or in the morning I say, you know what? Let me hop in the shower. I need to hop in the shower. Hop in the shower. And that's my daily non-negotiable appetizer. In my self-care menu,

Jessica 39:23

Hmm. Yeah.

juda-avila-_1_11-03-2025_100830 39:31

I hop in like five, 10 minutes. Yes, it goes through my water bill, but it's not like I need to plan or need to save up. Okay, so that's the first one. The second one in the menu is your main dish. What are you going to do every week for yourself, not for your family, not for your kids, your husband, the house, et cetera, for you. I have done this activity with the moms where they plan it out. For their family

Jessica 40:06

Hmm.

juda-avila-_1_11-03-2025_100830 40:07

It involves them. But I said No, and it's to involve only

Jessica 40:10

Mm-hmm.

juda-avila-_1_11-03-2025_100830 40:11

because you need to fill your, your cup up. Okay. It's gonna take a little bit more time and maybe a little bit of more financial resources. So for example, for me it could be, you know what I'm going to work on on a project for three hours. I need to find childcare, my husband or whatever may be the situation. Or sometimes, you know, I spend a little more time at church and I say, yes, that's my self-care, that I don't do it every

Jessica 40:45

Hmm.

juda-avila-_1_11-03-2025_100830 40:45

That I'm gonna stay, you know, for maybe two hours at, at church.'cause I get to socialize, talk and whatnot. The last part in the self-care menu is, is the. part two of the main dish,

Jessica 40:59

Hmm.

juda-avila-_1_11-03-2025_100830 41:00

again, ing up the notch of the time and the financial resources. Ka mess. I can go get my eyebrows down

Jessica 41:08

Hmm.

juda-avila-_1_11-03-2025_100830 41:08

I don't need to do it every day or every week. I can do my eyelashes or I can do an activity where I can take me the whole day or meia or invest in a program or something like that. But we're

Jessica 41:21

Mm-hmm.

juda-avila-_1_11-03-2025_100830 41:22

here. And the last part of the self-care menu is, um, your appetizer. This is something you're gonna do, gift ask or whatever may be for yourself once a year. For example, for myself, for example, for myself, I say my appetizer for the whole year in

Jessica 41:55

Mm-hmm.

juda-avila-_1_11-03-2025_100830 41:56

because I don't have to cook, I don't have to clean. I just go show up there, have food, have fun, get contact with the water. Sometimes get childcare for my, for my children. But again, this is not something I can do every month or every week. that how I try to re reframe it. And the last part, just to wrap up, maybe this topic is, I give it what we are modeling to our children. So shifting that mindset that instead of feeling that and guilt let it go. Guilt is good. Guilt keeps you in check. Hey, Judah or Huda, are you being a good mom? Maybe I can't leave for a whole week a whole month. So it's keeping me in check that guilt, it's overpowering my mind and my body is the function how I'm supposed to function or is the collapse of me, my wellbeing? it's important to reframe that and instead of, I'm so guilty because yes, I have felt that before. really story. I was hangry. Malnourished. I didn't look well, I didn't feel well, but I changed that. I said, you know what,

Jessica 43:22

Yeah.

juda-avila-_1_11-03-2025_100830 43:23

now I am mentally prepared, physically well, that I can provide for my, for my child. And it's that mind shift of. Or that guilt that no, I am modeling to my children that my mom also needs and deserves to be taken care of. children are going to model that as well. That, Hey mom, I'm so tired from school or the job, and instead of us telling them,

Jessica 43:57

Hmm.

juda-avila-_1_11-03-2025_100830 43:57

get another AP class or honors class, no. Our children are gonna learn from us and be like, Hey mom, I think I need a rest. Hey mom, I think I need to drop an honors class. Or, Hey mom, I don't think I can do this sport. So, woo. That was a lot self-care, so take it

Jessica 44:15

Yes. No, I love it. I love that you helped us, you know, redefine it and understanding that we can take those steps, we can start out with the appetizer, we can then go into the meal and, and essentially we end up filling our cup. And I love that you gave that an analogy. Um, que we often don't hear about that, or we, again, it, it's that Maria Nimo like kind of ingrained in our mind and in our upbringing, we don't see moms as like humans. And, and I think with the modeling part, it. It all makes so much sense. Like our kids will essentially learn how they can also prioritize on themselves and not struggle later on. Especially, you know, the little girls, like, I, I don't have girls. I have two boys, but also showing my boys I should, you know, I should be the number one right. Like that I sh I, I matter that my self care is the number one priority so that then I can feed into them and, and be more present than just like trying to survive. And yeah. Thank you so much for providing all of this context because it really helps. So you're also a PSI mentor why is community so essential in motherhood, especially for those of us that feel isolated in our experience? And what message of hope do you want to leave with the mamas out there listening or watching this video who feel stuck between, you know, their Cultura and Maria Nibo and honoring themselves as well and prioritizing on themselves?

juda-avila-_1_11-03-2025_100830 45:59

motherhood is both a biological, so social, psychological and this is why it's important to find your place that you belong to. And this can be in many different places because this is the era that we live in, that I also tell, I have another different module of, your support system. Because a lot of the times from that Maria Nismo, it's kind of like, well, the only support or help that I have is my partner. And unfortunately, we don't have. Many partners. Um, and I say this because of the work that I've done and the research that I've, that I've seen out there as well, ES is the, we don't have a lot of, uh, and usually it's the male, the male partner that doesn't empathize or valid validate that emotional experience that moms are going, are going through. Again, we can probably go back to that whole machismo is the mentality. Get,

Jessica 47:06

Hmm.

juda-avila-_1_11-03-2025_100830 47:08

you know, they don't really express themselves, um, emotionally. So is why I say that, find your community, whether it's a book, whether it's a podcast, whether it's a, an Instagram, TikTok page, whatever it may be in person or online, or maybe it's one person, maybe it's two, three, go. find yourself in a. In a community, because that's going to support, normalize your feelings. You are able to share your experiences and it's also gonna support you to model different ways

Jessica 47:44

Hmm.

juda-avila-_1_11-03-2025_100830 47:45

healthy, um, parenting and as well as with your, real relationships. So right now I am currently involved with PSI, which is Postpartum Support International. It's an organization based in the us but it offers, uh, services in Spanish and in English. I'm more involved in PSI in Espanola. I'm more involved in the Spanish committee. I'm getting now more involved also in the, in the English front.'cause I have some projects that I wanna do in, in California. But basically there's a lot of resources. Ima I like this because. Again, from the story that I shared that yes, I became homeless with, you know, as a young adult with my parents. This is before they got, um, before they got divorced. So that's, that's another story. But we were still a family. I was a young adult and my resources financially were very limited. So I had to find ways to support myself so that I can, uh, graduate, uh, college and, you know, just better my life and everything overall. this is why in my work, I love to just provide free resources. This is what P-S-I-B-S-A-E provides. I tell them, if you can't afford therapy or a coaching session or buying a book, or whatever it may be, because I understand, like, trust me, I do understand what it means to not have the financial, um, resources. Ask me, ask me resources. If I don't know, I'll ask or I'll just post on social media, Hey, does somebody know? Because I don't know everything. So this I am gonna share in Spanish, but.

Jessica 50:14

Mm-hmm. Hmm. Like, every time you're a part of this community, you are not alone. Like, you're not alone on this journey. I, so thank you so much for sharing that in Spanish. Uh, how are you redefining mad hood?

juda-avila-_1_11-03-2025_100830 53:42

with the work that I've, that I've done, I truly, truly believe that you can have the best of two worlds. So I love my little, I help statement that I support guide women, and this is for myself, like I'm talking to myself here, you can create a life that, like you mentioned, the in the beginning, that honors both your motherhood your personal aspirations. I'm not gonna stop. To be a present mom. They're both gonna, uh, inspire me because I have learned in this is, but have learned throughout time that there is no

Jessica 54:35

Hmm.

juda-avila-_1_11-03-2025_100830 54:35

Balance doesn't

Jessica 54:36

Hmm.

juda-avila-_1_11-03-2025_100830 54:37

because I literally saw in my head a balance. It's like 100% for motherhood, 100% for work, 100% for my, uh, for my partner. And then so many other things. I can't, I can't have the balance be equal because when I'm with my children, this goes down. I can't be at work. I'm going to miss work opportunities, projects, I'm going to forfeit things. I will not be able to make it when I am thriving in my career, in my job, in my project. My children are not going to be my priority. They're probably gonna be in childcare or at home with somebody else, but I cannot be with them and again, with my partner. So everything is just like,

Jessica 55:19

Mm-hmm.

juda-avila-_1_11-03-2025_100830 55:20

it is just this, this dance, this constant dance that I, that I do. And another thing that I apply in my work to make my health better that have also redefined, eh, the perfect mother.

Jessica 55:40

Mm.

juda-avila-_1_11-03-2025_100830 55:41

There is no perfect mother. I don't want to be a perfect mom. I want to be a happy, healthy living mom for my children and for myself. I deserve have, because yeah, I

Jessica 55:58

Mm-hmm.

juda-avila-_1_11-03-2025_100830 56:00

I deserve. I deserve to have a stable mental health. I deserve to be healthy. I deserve to have an abundance. I deserve to be a present mom. I deserve to have my, my dreams, my aspirations be, uh, be fulfilled with the work that I've done. I've also learned that need to prioritize every day what I'm going to be doing, which is this dance that I do. Am I going to prioritize today my children? Sometimes it is. Sometimes I prioritize my house and my children are over here. Sometimes I prioritize my work. Children in the house are over

Jessica 56:44

Mm-hmm.

juda-avila-_1_11-03-2025_100830 56:45

so it's just a constant, beautiful dance that I'm doing because yes, I don't want to strive and be that perfect mom. I've tried. It

Jessica 56:54

Mm-hmm.

juda-avila-_1_11-03-2025_100830 56:55

go well

Jessica 56:55

Nope, Nope. I love this. And let this be the mantra of like, I think that we, yeah, we, we, we all deserve to be everything, and we deserve to prioritize on ourselves. To be in the dance. I like it. You know, so why not apply it to Hood? Right?

juda-avila-_1_11-03-2025_100830 57:21

Yeah,

Jessica 57:21

Yes. I love it. Well, um, my listeners, those that are watching on YouTube, how can people connect with you?

juda-avila-_1_11-03-2025_100830 57:35

Absolutely. Thank you for viewing s You can find me on Instagram as JJ Wellness. Coaching. I mean, I'm on TikTok as coach. Um, I, my URLs are a little different. We have resources. We have a lot of, lot of resources. Ask us, ask us. This is why all this stuff is created to provide for the community. We are a

Jessica 58:27

Hmm,

juda-avila-_1_11-03-2025_100830 58:28

part of

Jessica 58:29

yes. No.

juda-avila-_1_11-03-2025_100830 58:30

much for, for having me. And yeah. Woo. It was what a ride.

Jessica 58:34

Yes, no. Thank you for your wisdom and for, again, creating words into context. That's what truly matters it's not about education, it's about awareness and where we can go from here. And knowing that there, there's a community between you and I and everyone else that is doing this work, um, uni, then we shouldn't do this alone. So thank you so much, Hara. I really appreciate you being here.