155. Best of VLM: Breaking Generational Cycles Through Restorative Parenting with Alex Fernandez

I had the privilege of sitting down with Alex Fernandez, a father and educator with over 15 years of experience. Alex has presented on restorative practices and brought such valuable insights about intentional parenting from the Latino dad perspective. Our conversation really resonated with me, especially as we discussed the challenge of breaking generational cycles while honoring our cultural roots.

Want more? Listen to the full, original episode.

What You'll Hear:

• Why "what are you modeling?" is the most important question we can ask ourselves as parents
• How to validate our children's feelings while still maintaining boundaries
• Balancing traditional Latino values with intentional parenting approaches and handling family criticism
• Why therapy and personal growth are essential, plus how modeling accountability changes everything

Resources Mentioned:

• Mistaken Goal Chart

Transcript

Samson Q2U Microphone 0:00

Hello. You are listening to the best of VLM episode series, which showcases some of the most popular episodes of the Viva. Mommy podcast. This episode is one of those. If you enjoy what you hear, make sure you subscribe and don't forget to rate the show and write a review on apple podcasts so that other mommies, like you can find this podcast. Out, let's get into the episode.

jessica_1_03-22-2025_090643 0:29

Ola. Alex, how are you?

alex_1_03-22-2025_090642 0:31

Hola. Good. I'm good. How are you doing this morning? I,

jessica_1_03-22-2025_090643 0:34

I am great. As long as I have a cup of coffee, I feel great.

alex_1_03-22-2025_090642 0:39

Yeah, me too. I understand that. I think all par, all parents understand that.

jessica_1_03-22-2025_090643 0:45

Absolutely. Yes. Yes. Well, I wanna thank you for taking the time to be here. I know you as an educator and just like someone that is very involved in the community as well in the, in the school specifically. Being that you you work at my son's school, which is amazing. And so you presented on a session about restorative practices and parenting, and I'm like, I need to have Alex on the show because everything that you shared really resonated with me, but especially coming from the Latino perspective and the father perspective, really wanted you to be here so that you can share your experiences and. Kind of like your background as well and your transition into this especially once you became a dad. So

alex_1_03-22-2025_090642 1:34

Absolutely.

Jessica 1:35

Father's Day episode I am really excited to bring the Latino dad perspective, uh, because it's so important, uh, especially for those who are raising children who, where we are intentional in breaking generational cycles. Right? So before we delve into the conversation, I would love for you to introduce yourself. If you can tell our listeners a little bit more about your background, your family, and everything in between.

alex_1_03-22-2025_090642 2:03

Absolutely. Uh, and I think it kind of all ties into, you know, my philosophy being in education. It all has to do with my background from how I was raised to school, to work to everything. And so, yeah. So. My, I think the big thing is I'm first generation, you know, uh, my dad's from Cuba. He came over in 1980, uh, Mariel, you know, Mariel boat lift. And then my mom, uh, is from Mexico. She's from, uh, and they met here in Chicago. And so I think that's, you know, I think that's a key component of, of my, like I said, how I deal with kids and, and even my own children. And so I was born in Chicago and you know, we lived here for a while and then we kind of moved, and then when I was around five, we moved to the Northwest suburbs, we moved to Desplaines. And then, you know, I lived there and then I went to Northeastern, uh, university for my undergrad. And then I went to, eventually got my master's in, you know, educational leadership. But I taught in Little Village, which is a predominantly Latino neighborhood in Chicago. And I taught there for eight or nine years and I loved it, you know, but. Eventually I wanted to kind of move into administrative work. And so I, I did leave and then I have been a dean now for nine years. So in total I've been in Chicago public schools for 17 years. And then even before that I was a camp counselor for like eight years, you know, so overnight camp and all that kind of stuff. So there's that, you know, my professional side. Uh, but then the personal side, I do have two children of my own. Uh, I have a 4-year-old Violeta, and then I have a one and a half year old named Felix. Yeah. And so, you know, I think those, I think all those different components, you know, my personal components and the uh, professional ones combined have kind of shaped my philosophy and just how even I deal personally with my kids.

jessica_1_03-22-2025_090643 4:01

Yeah. No, I love that. I love that. First of all, you come from an education background, so you and the fact that you have been with children, right? You understand their experiences. You are more empathetic, you know, to as to why they do the things that they

alex_1_03-22-2025_090642 4:21

Yeah, when I talk about the camps and stuff, you know, because people are like, well, why do you always mention camps? And I'm like, honestly, for me, as an educator, uh, those early days when I was taking those pedagogy, you know, those college courses at the same time, I was an overnight, you know, I was doing camps in the summer. And, and the thing is, I, I was like, I, I tell people, I'm like the Jane Goodall of teenagers because when you're at a camp, you live among them. You're in the cabin. So, you know, I think some people, they go, they get their degree and then they kind of jump in the classroom. But while I was studying a lot of these. Like I said, the pedagogy and the theories and stuff, I was pr, I was applying 'em, you know, I, I cracked a couple eggs. But being at the camp, you know, you're with the kids constantly, you really start to learn and get to know how they interact and stuff. And so, you know, I think that that was a, definitely a, where this whole journey, you know, kind of kicked off, you know.

jessica_1_03-22-2025_090643 5:12

Yeah. That's awesome. I love it. And especially as you as first gen, you have a unique perspective. You, I think you could be more understanding towards other, uh, students who also come from that background, right, who are first generation. And as someone who is a product of CPS, myself, the Chicago Public Schools. I was able to tell who was understanding of my lived experiences versus those that were not. And that made a huge impact in terms of connecting with educators that really understood where I came from. Like, you know, why is it that I don't know certain systems, uh, and why I didn't have the capital compared to other peers? And so that is such a huge piece and component when you're thinking about, you know, why is it that some students make certain decisions or, you know, why do they react a certain way versus others? And, and yeah, that makes a huge difference.

alex_1_03-22-2025_090642 6:11

Absolutely. I think a lot of times people don't take into perspective the whole student, you know? And so I do bring that up. So, you know, going to school and displays, you know, I'm grateful for it and it gave me a lot of opportunities. But at the same time, you know, at least at that time, there were not tons of Latinos, in, in elementary school or middle school, high school, a little bit more. But even then it was definitely, you know, that's kind of where my journey also in my identity and just, you know, Latina, that. You know, quote unquote Latin dad, you know, am I Latino enough? But that's where it began because, you know, I was either, and I know a lot of people experience this, either not, you know, Latino enough for the Latinos or two Latino for the Whites and Caucasians. And so it was just kind of code switching is what it's now I know it's a skill at the time. I'm like, oh man, oh man. But now I know it's an actual skill called code switching, right? Being able to have that ability to go between both worlds, both cultures, languages, slang, everything. Right? Even, you know, and so, it bringing that now to my career and just realizing like, yeah, you know, you see a kid and, and you realize there's a lot more to that kid, you know, there's a lot more depth and there's so many things that are affecting them and what's going on

jessica_1_03-22-2025_090643 7:29

Absolutely. Oh, wow. Yeah, and we're definitely gonna delve into that. But more so on the parent perspective.

alex_1_03-22-2025_090642 7:37

For sure.

jessica_1_03-22-2025_090643 7:38

So as an educator and a dad, could you share your journey into restorative practices? And first of all, what is that?

alex_1_03-22-2025_090642 7:47

Sure.

jessica_1_03-22-2025_090643 7:48

is restorative

alex_1_03-22-2025_090642 7:49

Yeah. So, you know, restorative practices aren't just it, it's not just for education really. If we want to take it to this next level of why I, I became a dean and started becoming interesting in this, you know, we have to, you know, we have to be frank, right? And unfortunately, there's a disproportionate number of of people of color, especially males prison, you know, it's what we call that pipeline, the, the school to prison pipeline, right? And so, you know, the last 30 years, I would say more or less, there's been a lot of research and just work on how do we prevent that, you know? And so restorative practices began, kind of began of how do we use, different theories and philosophies to get to the root cause of a behavior, right? We know that these things are happening. But instead of we're just gonna lock someone up and do that let's actually get to the root cause. Let's give them help. Let's, let's help rehabilitate, right? Well taking that and it's like, okay, well let's really get to the root then. Well, the root is what kind of foundation, educational foundation are they getting? What kinds of supports? So taking that philosophy of restorative practices or the idea of getting to the root cause of something or focusing on rehabilitation. You take it and you apply to school. So that's kind of a little bit of background on, on this term, restorative practices. In terms of my journey, I really feel like there's maybe three or four kind of milestones or keytones for me. You know, as I was thinking about it, and I think the first thing is my own growth. And so, and I know we can delve into that more. 'cause a lot of people ask me like, okay, my kid is always doing this and they're doing that. Or like, you know, what's the secret? What's the magic wand? There's no magic wand. But it starts with you and people hate hearing that. And the thing is, I'm not talking like a five minute, like, oh, well okay, I'm gonna do this because no, I'm talking therapy. I'm talking lifelong reflection. Right? And so for me, even before I knew what restorative practices were, or even before I knew what education was, you know, when I was starting college and in high school it, a lot of it was just like, man, my parents talked to me this certain way, or this is how we communicated. I don't like that it was me in my relationships, my college, you know, high school girlfriends being defensive all the time and realizing, oh, I'm defensive. Because in my household, when we would argue, it wasn't about uh, coming with a solution, it was about how can I hurt that other person? So at home we model our communication styles. We model how to have an argument. And so then you know, me on myself, just thinking about in my interactions with my wife and getting to the root cause of why do, why am I defensive? Why do I, you know, automatically try to turn things and, and blame her and why, you know, why do these things happen? So that's one component. Even before I knew I was doing it, or before I would call it restorative practices, I've, you know, I've always been trying to reflect to better myself. Right? That's the first component.

jessica_1_03-22-2025_090643 11:02

Mm-hmm.

alex_1_03-22-2025_090642 11:02

I think another, the second keystone. When I was a high school teacher in Little Village, I did this curriculum. Uh, I was a social science teacher, but once a week I would do what we call like a social emotional learning or, you know, uh, a curriculum that focuses on, once again, the whole student, like their, their wellbeing. Right? And so this particular coincidentally enough, it was like a, it was about podcasting, right? But it wasn't really about podcasting. It was about listening. And the key, key thing being whether it's a kid or an adult or your spouse, is that listening is not the same as hearing. You can hear a sound, but listening is the processing of that, right? And so when I would do this class with the kids, I would kind of, it was a prepackaged lesson, I would do it. But then I sat there and I started like actually participating, and then I started opening up about my background, right? With the kids. And then what I realized was the putting in the time that once a week, you know, it wasn't social science, it wasn't what I was doing the rest of the week, but on Fridays doing that, the other four days, those students were ready to do what I asked them. And it's because we made that connection. And so that kind of clicked. 'cause then I'm like, okay, there's something to focusing on the root cause there's something to taking time out and just talking to the kids and making that connection. Them seeing me as human, me seeing them as human, and then making connections and then tying it to that first component of my own reflection. Because it was literally through that teaching that class that I started my own growth as to why I was, how I was in my relationships, the importance of listening the importance of sometimes not speaking

jessica_1_03-22-2025_090643 12:58

Yeah.

13:01

That's where we are. Wrapping up this best of VLM episode, but don't worry, this is just a little taste. If you nodded along, had an aha moment or felt seen as a modern Latina mama, then go listen to the full episode. There is so much more waiting for you and you deserve all of it. if you enjoyed what you heard today, please take a moment to subscribe so you never miss an episode. while you're at it, leave a rating and a review on Apple Podcasts. It means the world to me and it helps other mamas just like you discover this. Alright, AMI, well thank you so much for being here Asima, and now go get that full episode.