WTF Do I Do Now?

20. The Fears of Leaving

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It took me over a year to leave. This episode focuses on normalizing the fears of leaving, doubting yourself after leaving, but why I'm thankful I left. This is not to shame anyone who stays <3 

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  All right. Welcome back to another episode of what the fuck do I do now? Your go-to source for betrayal, trauma, porn addiction, and just overall women empowerment to let you know that. You can get through this. It's not your fault. It's not a reflection of your words and healing as possible. And I promise you can come out on the other side. Feeling stronger, more resilient and you can. Generally find the gift of everything that is happening. 

And I say that lately, because I also don't want to minimize anyone's pain, but I promised looking back, I've been up for a year and a half now from the relationship. And I promise it gets so much better and I would not be who I am today without all of that. And for that, I am thankful for, because it has helped me create such a better life. Anyways. Where do I want to go? 

So I haven't, I decided I'm going to change how I do the podcast. Usually I have an outline and a script of what I want to talk about, but I decided I'm just going to go more rogue. So it allows me to have more tangents and just speak whatever the fuck is on my mind, because that is the point of a podcast. 

Today. I want the purpose of this podcast. I think again, I don't know because it'll change as we go at the end of the episode. We'll see what I edit out, but I want it to just be about normalizing the fears of leaving. And normalizing the second doubt after you leave, like these are so common, so important, and I wish someone would have been speaking up against about this when. I was in the relationship and I started questioning it. 

And again, this isn't to, I'm not saying this to encourage anyone to leave. Every relationship is different. Every man, every woman, everything is different. And I'm also not saying a sick shame. Anyone who stays because again, every relationship is different, but for me, the best thing to do was leaving based on who my partner was and how he was acting.  

Yeah. I just remember when I was in the relationship, I was like, he's my best friend. We have so much fun together. Like he makes me feel so comfortable. He's my absolute best friend. Like I spent every day with him, we lived together. We were creating a life together. We raised a dog together. 

Everything was just like, this is perfect. This is my person. This is my soulmate. This is who I was supposed to be, who was, who I was supposed to meet.  But then there'd be other days where I would just be crying and I felt so lonely in the relationship and we would have fights and they just felt so chaotic and just felt unhealthy. 

And then there'd be times where I would. Really question the relationship and who he was and if I should even be with him and it was such polar opposites, like one day I was so happy the next day I was like, oh my gosh, I. Am so sad. I feel like we're growing apart. Like maybe this isn't my person, blah, blah, blah. And.  A lot of that ties back to.  Being in an abusive relationship, like an abusive relationship can look like one day, they are love bombing. 

You they're telling you how amazing anymore or they're being there. They're being supportive or they're the being the pers the partner that you always wanted them to be.  But then another day or weeks later, they are being dirty, neglecting you or they're dismissing your needs or they're lying to you. 

They're gasoline or they're getting in fights and they're blaming everything on you. Like it can be such. A roller coaster and I'm not, and I'm not saying that everything I just listed means this person is 100% emotionally. Or.  Is abusing you. But these are like abusive behaviors that shouldn't be in a relationship. And so I was going through my journal entry. And so on to find some journal entries about like when I was debating, leaving. 

And again, something that I think is so important for context like this, man, I'll just call him John, my ex,  everyone in my family, every one of my friends that absolutely loved him.  He.  He was always posting all over social media. He's always planning these great dates. He was just like going above and beyond, like any boyfriend has ever gone. And now I know that's what love bombing is all the things he was doing. 

But that's why I felt so conflicted. I was like, why do I have these thoughts of wanting to leave when some days he choose me so amazing. So I want to read a journal entry that stood out and. This is one when I.  Was super mad and.  I don't know. You can't see it on here. I don't know. I'm like post posting up to the video, but I know you can't see because it's just audio. But it's honestly hard to read my handwriting because this is such an angry journal entry and it's an all caps and they're scribbles everywhere. 

And so this was on October. So October, November, December, January, March, April six months before I ended up finding out that he had a porn addiction and was getting hotel rooms with porn stars and had entire secret life. So it goes.  This is how it starts out in all caps. I am so fucking mad. Fuck. 

Fuck. Fuck. With. If a fuck, I want to scream and yell and punch I'm so sick of this fucking shit. He has done so much damage to our relationship. And I don't know if I can get past it when he acts like a fucking self privilege asshole, getting. Getting mad at me for having trust issues. What the fuck? 

How can I move forward? I need to let so much anger out.  It's hard. It's hard to read this cause also angry writing. I need to let so much anger out. And at what points. Does is this relationship doomed? I feel like I'm the only person printing work for personal growth and self-awareness when he should be, because he clearly has fucking issues with not telling me the truth. Especially considering I'm his girlfriend. 

What the fuck? Why is one minute so good, then the next with him as a fucking nightmare. Why do I stay in the shit? Why do I allow myself to be treated like this? What is wrong with me? Nothing is wrong with you, Mandy. You haven't done anything. You haven't done anything.  To erode his trust, like to him, anything you've been perfect. 

You've been honest. You've been loyal. It has all been him.  Turning page. Are you willing to put up with this? What changes do you need to see? This is not your fault for how he acted. You're kind thoughtful, loving, sincere, humble, and he took advantage of that to lie to you multiple times, even after you asked him to never lie, that is something he needs to deal with. 

Not you, your role isn't to fix someone or to deal with their unhealthy patterns. Manipulative matters. Your role is to focus on growing yourself, which you're doing. It is up to you to decide who you keep in your life and what you're willing to put up with. It's your responsibility to give yourself self-love and know your self worth. 

You need to face the truth and give a long, hard look at what you will and won't tolerate. That is purely up to you. What characteristics do slash don't you want in your partner?  What do you want? Sorry, again, hard to read. To have.  Dude, I don't want a partner to have. What, how do you want to communicate in this in times of conflict page? What are you willing to sacrifice? 

How do you actively work on trust?  And then I wrote a list of everything I want in a relationship, which included.  

Honesty pushes me to be the best version of me. Values  con cares about personal growth. Self-awareness compassion, empathy, understanding we can grow together. I want advocacy, passion. Laughter a best friend. Respects during conflicts being able to tell my feelings without re. Without it resulting in a fight and then a list of the things I don't want in relationship. Lies feelings of not being able to trust, questioning his motives disrespect during conflicts, stubbornness closed-minded hypocrisy, manipulative train arguments on me not being able to.  Not being able to own his mistakes without trying it on me, yelling stereo. 

I don't know what that means. Crying extreme highs and lows, explosive arguments, bottling an emotion, not feeling respected. Porn toxicity, defensiveness. When being told how I feel separation and isolation.  



And I say this because it's, I've received so many messages from girls. See? And I love him. 

He's my best friend, but I don't feel like I can trust him. Or he's like not putting in the work to work on himself. And I feel like I'm the only one and I just want you to I absolutely get it. I've been there. And the biggest thing for me was to stop focusing all my effort on him and fixing him. And instead focus on. Healing and growing myself, like taking time out of my day to focus on self love techniques, taking time to commit to a meditation practice of 10 minutes a day. 

That's it. And that just hopes you go so inward or taking myself out on dates, which again, felt so uncomfortable because I was so used to being with him 24 7. We lived together. We went everywhere together, like even going to the grocery store. Alone felt weird for me because I always went with him.  And there was another entry I wanted to read to.  What was it?  Okay.  This one goes lately. 

I've felt annoyed and irritated. My mind feels filled with doubt. I feel rage and anger about things that happened almost a year ago. So this was still an October and over a year ago, I was still having anger and rage from what he did in our relationship. And at this point, I didn't know about his porn addiction. 

I just caught him lying about an ex-girlfriend that was in his life.  And so going back to the journal entry goes, I feel rage. Not sure if that's right. Adjective towards John hordes, John, about putting me in the situation line about having a second Instagram, having an only fans, and then getting mad at me for being upset that he didn't text you when he was out with his friend that I don't trust. It annoys me that these feelings keep resurfacing. 

I feel like I abandoned and I let myself down for allowing myself to stay in a relationship with this honesty. I often wonder if I would've stayed. If that happened. When I was in therapy, this is me referring to a big trust issue we had with an ex-girlfriend.  Back to the journal entry. I don't know if I loved myself then, like I do now, the thought of it eats me alive. 

I love John with all my heart, but it scares me that someone who lives with me could have acted that way. Industry guarded me. I know he says he did it to protect me and did the best he could with the information that he had at the time. But it worries me that he'll act that way again. Like he did with having a second Instagram account and lied about it. 

Sometimes I worry. I'm self sabotaging myself by staying in the relationship or my dis afraid of being hurt again from being in previous toxic relationships. I do feel like I'm putting my walls up. I don't know what to believe.

I need to focus on the present, focus on making myself and caring for myself 1% better each day. If it happens again, I'm more healed and carry self-respect and self-love and have better tools to navigate the situation. If it happens, I'm in a better equip situation to make the right decision for myself. 

Put myself first. I love you. And I'm proud of everything you've been going through. This will be another mountain behind you in due time.  And so again 

i, I can't iterate this enough,  the best way. If you're having doubts of the relationship, if you're having doubts on, should I stay? I don't know what to do with this person. Just start focusing on yourself. I gets, I know it's, that's such an annoying answer to have if someone told me that how do I even focus on myself again? 

Picture it as if like, how do you get to know someone else? You get to know someone else by going and doing activities with them. You get to know someone else by spending time with them. You get to know someone else by asking them questions. So just do that same thing for you. Start journaling and asking yourself very honest, deep questions, and be fully honest with yourself and know that no one will ever read these journal. 

Responsers they're strictly for you. And get to know yourself and take and go do things with yourself that you enjoy. Find hobbies. For me, hobbies looked like I started to get really into yoga and really into meditation and breath work. And that helped me meet other people with similar hobbies. Like my whole world was him and our adult. 

Like I was even looking at one journal entry where it said like my goal was for the month. And I was like, I want to see one friend once a week. That's how isolated I was closed just with him all the time. And so of course the thought of. Leading someone when they're literally your entire world. Is so terrifying because that's all you've ever known. 

And so I just want to normalize yeah, you have every right to be scared. And I'm not saying that you should leave, but you have every right to be scared because you're, this is your life. And it is a big decision. So just be so compassionate and gentle with yourself and know that you have choices. 

You don't have to make a decision right now, or right away that you can wait as long as you want. Until you feel like you have either reached your breaking point or you feel like, yeah, like I'm ready to move on this relationship. Isn't serving me. This relationship is holding me back.  And okay. 

So the very next day, my journal entry. So that was my, I just read my rage entry the very next day. My journal entry goes today. I feel optimistic for my wellbeing. I felt nice to go to. Restaurant name with John and have one-on-one time. I think I've realized a lot of my instinct. My irritability comes from me taking Adderall for my ADHD, and it affects my new mood negatively. I feel more connected to John. 

I feel hopeful and proud that I'm getting on the right step for improving my own mental health. Again. It's been nice, having more time to focus on journaling, meditation, reading. I need to get better at setting up boundaries for letting myself do this.  It feels really good to be reconnected with John. It feels really good to have time to be alone with him. 

I think that's just the issue.  And so I wanted to read this journal entry because it just shows how every day can feel like in a completely different emotional roller coaster. And also how much, like you start to gas, let yourself I started to think the reason my ish there was issues in my relationship was because I was taking a prescription drug that I have was taking since eighth grade, which was Adderall for ADHD. 

I don't take it anymore. Thankfully I'm off. Not that anything's wrong with it, but it just wasn't serving me anymore. And.  It's just, it's so wild to see how much we will blame ourselves. Instead of just being like, you don't know, this person is treating me badly. That's why I feel this way. It's not because of what I'm doing. 

Because as society like women just loves to blame women or society loves to blame women and tell us that we need to doubt ourselves and that we can't be confident in that we need a man. And if a man is not. Giving us this validation, then something's wrong with us, but that's not necessarily true. It could just be that they are unhealed. 

They lack self-awareness, they don't have emotional capacity. They have a porn addiction. It could be any of those reasons. And that's why it's making you feel bad.  

And then let's see, I want to read one more entry.  

Okay. So this was, so it was about a month later.  And it goes, John makes me feel horrible. He gets stubborn an argument. He feels like a bully. He treats me exactly how past X dead. He makes me feel how it past X dead, everything is my fault. He doesn't think about things from different perspectives. 

He says he can't trust me in New York. When I go there for work. Now, what the fuck? I've never even lied. I've never given him any reason to not trust me. I should be able to be at a teamwork event and him not feel like he can't trust me. Which is ironic considering he was the one cheating on me the whole time, but I didn't know any of this yet at this point. 

And that's another red flag. If your partner is they keep putting the blame on you. Oh, you're cheating. Are you doing this? And you're not, oh my gosh, that is a huge red flag that they could be the one cheating, because that's why they don't trust you because they know what they're doing.  Anyways, going back to the journal entry where it was. 



He puts everything on me and it has zero introspect. Introspection, whenever I'm at my happiest moments that don't include him. For example, being in New York city for work, going to team conferences, going to work events where I feel very proud of myself. It's like he needs to break me down. 

He steals my joy. It really scares me. Listening to him. Yell is terrifying, not out of physical fear, but more oh shit. He sounds so toxic and unhealthy. He says things like, all I care about is myself and my feelings and don't care about him, which totally isn't true because I put so much time and energy into this relationship. 

That's literally impacted me so much. But it also makes me feel like he's always going to tear me down. I feel like I have to make myself small so he can feel big.

And try and I have to hide parts of myself to fit with him. On the pride sit with him on the pride. I don't know. That says when he yells and continues to yell after I've oh, on the phone. When he yells and continues to yell after I've apologized, it feels like. Switching page.  Ah,  it feels like an emotionally abusive tactic to get me to the point of giving up and feeling numb and repeatedly apologizing. 

Even though I haven't done anything bad, I just want the fight to be done because I can't handle the yelling anymore. That's not a tactic. I want in a conflict. I need to ask Carol. That was my therapist. I need to ask Carol for suggestions. He's going to put it back on me and say, I do the same thing, but I don't, it feels like he talks in a hold on any situation where I may be in the wrong and uses it to his advantage. 

Anytime I speak up for myself, it feels like a threat to him. It brings out the worst in me. How can I go from feeling so good into the relationship to feeling so bad? How can I have Congress conversation in conflict with him for the rest of my life? When the only way to end the fight is by me putting it is by me, abandon me, abandoning myself slash not speaking up for myself and taking all the blame.  Is it me and I in the wrong, is it something I need to fix in myself? 

Talk to Carol my therapist for a perspective. It scares me because he doesn't even realize he's doing it. And then he can't see it from my perspective, because he's in denial.  

When he says, I care about myself. Isn't that the way it should be? Shouldn't I love myself. John says it's like a bad thing, but everyone should love their self more.  

And then I'm so paranoid about getting into another unhealthy relationship. So I panic at fights because I assume the relationship is going to become toxic. Or is this what all relationships are like when people say they're hard work?  



Yeah, those were, I don't know why I wanted to feel those journal, read those journal entries, but I just.  I remember when I discovered about the porn addiction and the cheating I was in such shock, I was like, what do you mean our relationship is so perfect. Like he is such the perfect guy. Everyone loves him. 

And my family. Like we have such a good dynamic living together. Like it's, I was so blind to all of the emotional abuse and toxicity that was actually happening in the relationship. And I think that's something that's so important to call out. And that is why I'm such a huge proponent. Proponent of journaling because it is so helpful even now for me to be able to go back and read those journal entries. 

Cause I didn't even remember that. I felt that way most of the time, like I just remember being in this relationship thinking like, oh, I just found the most perfect relationship. He's my best friend. I'm so happy. We live, see other, like we're going to create a beautiful life.  But then I look back at the journal entries and wait, I didn't really feel that way all the time. 

There was actually a lot of.  Issues that were going on in the relationship. And.  



And I remember I even started creating like a notes on the notes app on my phone, just like a brief summary of each of our fights, because I started to wonder, I was like, am I the issue? Or is he the issue? Like I couldn't figure out. 

So I just started writing about some of our fights about Who caused it or not, who caused it? Who got mad? How was the conflict handled? Who, who had to resolve it? And every time that I was the one, always having to resolve the fights, which I now look back and realize that's not healthy, but in the moment I was like, I'm just so sick of fighting. 

I'd rather just agree to what you say to be done with this. So we can go back to having like our normal, quote unquote, healthy relationship. And.  

And yeah, that's why these relationships can be so difficult. If you ever look up the cycle of abuse, I remember when a therapist was showing me that I was just like, Oh my gosh,



and I'm sure if someone was listening to this, they're like, wow, it sounds like your relationship was horrible. 

Of course you would want to leave. But again, that's what I think is so confusing about these. Emotionally abusive relationship or dating an addict. There are a lot of great times. Like the reason you're with them is because there are still a lot of good times if every time was bad. That's what would make it.  Quote unquote, easier to leave because they wouldn't be bringing you any sense of fulfillment, but there's still so many times where they actually bring you so much happiness and that's what makes it so difficult to leave. 

It's like they love bomb you, they leave you breadcrumbs and it's just the cycle end. Again, I'm not saying. I'm not trying to say this, encourage people to leave again because every relationship is different, but this is what I had to do best for myself and something else I really want to talk about is. 

A question I get asked a lot is how did you leave? Like how did you find the strength or courage to leave? And I don't even like to use the word strength or courage to describe leaving because. Then that's saying that women who stay aren't strong and aren't brave, which I completely disagree. Every woman is brave and strong and courageous in their own way. 

Every person is. And.  What gave me the oldest quote, unquote strength was. One a year into our relationship. We started having trust issues and that's like a whole nother.  Whole nother thing. There were so many red flags, but it had nothing to do with porn addiction  or anything. Yeah, it emotional, cheating. But. So that was an issue that we really had to work through our relationship. 

When I say we had to work there, I had to work through it because he wasn't really. Doing much, besides just like reassuring me over text or voice that like, oh, I love you. And I would never do that to you, but I actions speak way louder than words. And. 



I remember, I went to go see a therapist after all that happened. 

And I was like, I just there's something I don't trust about him. I can't figure it out. And so I started working with the therapist and focusing a lot on. Just focusing on me, journaling reading, like creating a life for me outside of him. And that is what helped me. Eventually leave because.  Was I afraid. 

Fuck yah. I was terrified of leaving. It was the scariest thing. I think I ever went through and. Even leaving. I had so many second. I second guessed myself. I had so many. And sometimes it's oh my gosh should I have left? I also had guilt for leaving because all should I have stayed to help him? 

It's.  I wish it was as easy as oh, once you leave, you're like, okay, great. Everything's good. Like I'm clear now, like life is just going to get so much easier, but no, there's also still a lot of emotions and you have to process the relationship and you grieve. And there's a lot of times where you doubt yourself and wonder if leaving was the right thing. And I just want to, I don't say that to scare anyone to be like, oh, just it doesn't get better when you leave, because you still doubt yourself. 

Like over time, that doubt goes away. And cause over time you build a relationship with yourself and you learn to trust yourself and you create a whole new life. You build new friendships, you build new hobbies, you get comfortable being alone and being alone doesn't mean you're lonely. It just means you're sovereign. 

 You are you as a person and you can be so whole.  Without a person. I. Yeah, I'm just going on a tangent because I don't have an outline to speak to. But I, who I am now feel so much better than who I was when I was with him. My. I generally feel so much more self-confident I feel like I have created a lot. A lot of new friendships where our values and hobbies are more aligned. 

I created new hobbies. I got really into yoga, meditation, breath work, and even strengthened all of that so much. The core group of friends I had when I ended up leaving LA. Was completely different than the group of friends I had when I was with him. And that's not because like my friends, when I was with him, did anything bad or anything like that? It's just I just started growing all these different hobbies and all these different communities. 

And I just started meeting so many more people. I feel like I'm. Borderline like introverted extrovert. I don't really know, but like I was just out and about doing things and meeting people and it was so fun. And you find like new parts of yourself and I'm just like, Why the fuck did I ever stay with him? 

I think about that so much, but I give myself compassion and grace, because I didn't know then what I know now, and I'm not the girl I was then who I am now, but I'm just like,  I would say my one regret is not leaving earlier and that's not to say that I even regret it because I left when I had to leave. 

I left when the time was right for me. And when I had the information there that I realized like this relationship isn't salvageable, and I am. He's lying to me and there's no, I can't. There's no way to rebuild back this trust with how far he has destroyed it and my mental health and fuck that I deserve better. 

And.  

I don't remember what I was saying. God, I'm going to be honest. This is pretty hard to do without outline. Because I feel like I'm just going on tangents that I don't remember what I was saying. I don't even remember the purpose of the episodes. Maybe I won't do this again. But. Hi, I need a second to think.  



Yeah. Okay. 

Not a tangent. I remember when he would go away, like on a weekend trip with friends or something  whatever it may be. And.  

And I'd be home alone with our dog. I would feel so lonely and sad and I'd contact Nick wise. And he checking in with me what is he doing? What do I do? I just felt so lonely as a person. And now I fucking love being alone. I love it. It doesn't feel lonely. Like I have so much fun with myself, which to someone that may sound weird, but I feel like once you become so comfortable in your own skin, It's just that you enjoy having that piece of that peace and quiet with yourself. 

Even despite going through betrayal, trauma. And everything that happened.  This past year. So I've been on it for a year and a half this past year and a half. In a weird way has been like the most peaceful year of my life, because I don't have to deal with his bullshit anymore.  I don't have to deal with someone else ruining my day. 

I don't, I'm not on the dating apps, which I'll, I can do a whole nother episode about that. I tried going on the dating apps, but honestly, I just feel like you just play mind games. It's like quick, dope, quick, dope, mean heads. You're just, I don't know. It just felt so boring to me, just constantly trying to go on dates and meet people and be like, this is such a waste of time. I'd rather just spend time  building relationships with my friends and community.  My goal was , I want to create a life that I am so proud of that a man would have to provide so much fucking value to come into my life for me to even consider being with him. And no man has done that yet. 

 I have gone on a few dates and I don't know, they were just kinda eh sure. It was fine, but I was like, I have so much more fun when I'm out with my friends. Even if it's just like a girl's night on the couch, watching TV,  those conversations feel so much more  intimate and fun and.

Yeah. I don't really know where I'm going with any of this, but I just it is so possible to create a life that you love. After betrayal



our brain is wired to always focus on the fear of a situation it's designed to try to protect us. 

What's always going to think of everything that could go wrong. But when we flip that, instead of focusing on the problems, focus on the possibilities, focusing on the possibilities can be so much more. We rewarding and optimistic. Like I would have never, if you would have told me. A year ago that I would be where I am now. 

I would there's no fucking way. Like I like, Nope. Like I am going to be crying all the time. I'm going to be a shell of a human being. I'm going to have. Relation issues with food. Cause I can't eat after this and I'm just, I'm going to be so untrusting of every man and just always on hypervigilant and I'm just going to, I'm never going to be happy again. 

I'm never going to experience love or compassion again or. I'm going to be such like a shell of a human being, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. 



Everything I worried about never came true and everything that did come true with things I couldn't even absolutely fathom or believe in. 

I would have never thought. Life would change as much as it did. And yes, there were growing pains and all that change. But looking back, I am so thankful for all of it. And for this journey, I.  

I don't even know how to put it into words. . How I was before, and I know it's hard too. Cause like I was still very optimistic, happy, like kind  outgoing person. But I feel like after it made me just appreciate life and friendships and connection and humans and hobbies and activities,  so much more. 



Yeah. I don't know where I'm going with this. I feel like I've just rambled for 30 minutes. So I don't know if. Do this style of podcast again, but I guess what I just wanted to say is If you are afraid to leave, it is normal. I was terrified to leave. It took me over. A year to leave because I was constantly second guessing myself. 

I was constantly wondering what if I don't meet someone else? What if I don't meet someone who treats me better or I'd be like the relationship isn't that bad. There's just like a few issues. Like we still have so much fun. Like I take 75% of the time. It's really fun. And the remaining 25% of the time is what's painful. 

Like relationships are supposed to be hard work, so maybe I should stay maybe this is what a relationship is supposed to be like. Cause everyone says how hard relationships are. So it's okay, maybe this is what they mean. And so I stayed for a really long time and over time, it just.  My self-worth just started to slowly go down myself. 

Love started to go down. My, my mental health has started to go down and I started to become more isolated and what's been more and more time with him and less time with my friends. 



And. The thing that got me out of that. I  was just focusing on myself, going to therapy. And I know therapy is something that not a lot of people can afford is expensive, but if you can afford it or even make budgets out for it, it is. It can be so helpful and again, if you're going to a therapist for betrayal trauma, make sure they specialize in betrayal, trauma or porn and sex addiction. 

I've heard so many stories of girls who just go to a normal therapist and therapist is oh like maybe you should put up more or like him watching porn is normal and they completely retraumatize them. That is the worst fucking advice I could ever imagine. Someone giving oh my gosh, Sorry, tangent. 

Yeah. And then leaving was, it was hard.  I missed my best friend. I missed the companionship. I. Ah, I missed the dog so much. There's still even times where. I think about the dog and it makes me sad. And even now I want to cry thinking about it. I missed the dog so much. That sucks, but was it worth it? For sure it was so worth it was worth it. 

100%. Two. A million percent, it was worth it. And I know when you're in it, it can be so hard. There is so much pain. There's grief, there's overwhelmed. There is the feeling of self blame. There's a feeling of. Why didn't I catch this earlier? How can I trust him? Like how can I trust another human being again? But I promise it goes away. 

It's someone said in our women's support group last week was like, this was just a season. And I resonated with that so much. It is just a season, but that's not to minimize what you're going through.  Your emotions are completely valid and.  Yeah. I don't know, just leaving even was the best thing I could've done for myself. 

It was really hard of course, but I also knew stain was going to be really hard. I knew. I have I had already experienced. A lot of lies from him and then finding out about the porn addiction and seeing the text of him getting. Hotel rooms with porn stars and finding out from girls like months later. That. 

Yeah, he was actually reaching out to a lot of girls, like to hook up with them and he was into voyeurism and that, yeah, that was really hard to go through. And that actually brings me to another point.  I. 



I'm not trying to use a scare tactic by any means. But when I found out about my partner, when I found him getting hotel rooms with porn stars, of course, who was like, oh, it was a one-time mistake. 

I've never done this before. I just felt so unhappy in the relationship. Like I was never actually going to meet up with her. I thought it was just like this fake account. I did, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Despite like he literally FaceTimed her whatever. Anyways 



And he's I swear just one time mistake and try to turn it in around me by saying how he was unhappy in the relationship. 

And I almost believed him to be honest, I was, it was really convincing what he was saying. And I was like, yeah. Okay. Maybe it was just a one-time mistake, like maybe I can trust you again, like maybe I haven't been showing up in the relationship. Like I should have maybe you are right.  But then months later, I found out through that Facebook group, are we dating the same guy, Los Angeles.  I found out that he was so many other girls came forward saying that he was messaging them and it throughout our entire relationship. 

And he was doing the way he was doing it. He was doing it before our relationship too. And.

 But I'm just saying, trust your gut.  I just had this gut feeling that there is more to it. And trust your gut.  I.  I am so happy. I stood with my gut decision and didn't go back to him. Cause I, that would have just been so hard again, months later, if I had gone back and then finding out that there are more girls. It would just be, it's just a never ending cycle of.  You blaming yourself, which I think that's the worst position you can be in. 



And I want to make it clear. I obviously didn't have kids with this person. 

We weren't married and we didn't have the commitment on that level. And one of my best friends who, when I was going through this, she found out about her husband's betrayal a little bit after me. And they had kids and she did decide to divorce him and. Obviously,  I can't even speak to that because I haven't been in that situation before, but it was so helpful for me to even have her by my side, as we went through this together and. It is so profound to see how she feels like such a different person now. 

And  in such a positive way. She is now, she now has her own apartment with her kids. She's co-parenting with her now. Ex-husband . And when I.  It is, I'm literally at a loss for words, because it is so hard to describe like how much she has changed. Like she, her career has blown up. 

I just even just like having conversations with her, like it's so cool seeing her come back and find her personality because she doesn't have the stress of living with this person anymore. And it was just so sad even seeing her in that relationship, because you could tell how much it was. Impacting her and just like it's. 

Yeah. I think people just don't talk about how hard it is when you are in this relationship with someone it's like having a leech, suck all your energy out. And you're so focused on trying to fix him and save the relationship where you don't even have to like time to breed and focus on yourself and be like is he even meeting my emotional needs and physical needs and mental needs is he even providing for me, like, How much of my time and energy is going into saving him and fixing him when I should be focused on quote unquote, like saving and fixing myself. 

That's, I think that's where all the magic comes from is just stop fucking focusing on him. Sorry for swearing sorry for sounding aggressive. But I received so many messages from girls being like, I love him. I want to change him. Like he can't see my perspective and I'm so sorry you're going through that. 

I've been there. I get it so hard, but like being on the other side of it now, I'm just like, I don't think any man is worth sacrificing. And your mental health for, I don't care how long you've been with him. I don't care how many kids you have with him. I don't care how many pets, how whether you've spent like 20 years with him, whether you spent six months with him. 

I do not think any man is worth sacrificing your mental health for, because our mental health is so fragile. It's the one thing we have for ourselves. And if we are letting someone  walk all over us, or if we're letting someone. Take advantage of this and take advantage of our mental health and most of the women listening to this, you're kind, you're understanding you're empathetic. 

You're sympathetic. You are so compassionate. You have such a big heart, and that's why these partners choose you because they. The not, I don't want to say they know they can get away with it. That's not it at all. But like they're attracted to that qualities of you. Cause those are amazing qualities to have and you deserve to be with someone who will respect those qualities instead of taking advantage of it. 

And I don't know where I was going with this. I just, it breaks my heart so much. Seen women lose themselves in the relationships to save or fix this man. Women are not rehabilitation centers for men. That's what therapists are for. That's like they, they are grown ass adults. If they can get the help that they need for themselves, that you need the help you need for yourself. 

And.  Oh, I see. That was such a tangent. And I'm sorry if that sounded aggressive, I also need to stop apologizing. That's another thing I'm trying to do as a woman, because we're always taught that we need to apologize. And to not take up space, but yeah, it just. It breaks my heart seen how much. Women can get lost in these relationships. 

And I'm speaking from a personal experience too, because I didn't even realize how lost I was until I got out. And I finally felt like I couldn't just breathe again. And. Even saying that makes me want to cry. Like it's, there's no words to describe how nice it felt to just be like, oh my God, I'm safe. 

I'm out. Like I can breathe. Like he can not impact me anymore. He has no power over me anymore. He cannot ruin me anymore. Like I, oh, it just felt so good. I didn't even realize how worked up my nervous system was being in that relationship, how anxious I was, how borderline depressed I was becoming and all that. I had to do was just leave and I could breathe again. 

And I was like,  Oh, my gosh. I get it. It. Yeah. And. Oh, my gosh. It's I don't know where it's going with it. And again, I'm not trying to, I do not want to make any woman ever feel bad for staying. I'll say this time and time again, every relationship is different. My ex was not willing to admit that he had a problem. 

He was not willing to take accountability. He was not willing to actively seek professional help. What he was willing to do was lie and Gaslight and deflect and blame me. And I don't think.  Woman deserves so much. But other than that, like I have so many women come to me and they're like, I just want to feel happy again. 

And I want to feel respected and I want to love myself. Like these are such bare minimum things that every human being, every woman, every non-binary person, like everyone deserves to feel this way. And it is so possible. But I feel like when you're just in this relationship with a leech who is sucking your energy, it's so hard to even think I ever feel that way. And then.  I don't know, such a tangent. 

I feel like sometimes I just blackout when I talk.  Because I just get so passionate and I just want every woman, every person to just. Ah, to love themselves and to find their self-confidence and to know. You don't have to live in this. You have so much power in your life, but it's so hard to see that when someone is continuously making you feel less than when someone is making you feel inadequate, when someone is lying, when someone is making you think that you're the crazy one, you're not your rational, your emotions are so fucking valid. 

Oh my gosh. If tables were turned, if the roles were reversed and the relationship, like how would he act? Would he stick with you? Would he be okay with this? Would he put so much time and energy into trying to fix and save you? Probably. Not cause he's not even putting time and energy into fixing himself. 

And that's what I find so frustrating. Like women, we have such beautiful hearts. We are natural caretakers. I'm not trying to be sexist, but like we naturally, we just care and we're empathetic. And we have that like mother.  That mothering in us. And sometimes I just think men really will take advantage of that. 

And.  Ah, it's not just say that's a reflection of your worth. It's not to say you're weak. It's not to say that. You are weak for putting up with that? Not, no, not at all. Like sometimes we just need someone to remind us how fucking amazing we are, because you truly are. So amazing. And I hate seeing how. Beautiful and kind and funny and smart and unique. 

All these women are, who are in the support group and seeing how much. These men are just making them feel like pieces of shit. Like it is so fucking sad but I get there. I've been there. Like I went through it, fucking socks. It is horrible. Like it, any. You just, it just feels like for me, at least I didn't even realize again that like how bad it was until I got out until I could just start to breathe again and feel safe and. Oh my God, this is what life is supposed to be like. 

This is how I'm supposed to feel. And that is such a beautiful gift that every person deserves to have. And.  Oh, gosh, I don't know. Where I was going with this.  

I just, yeah, I just.  

I just want women to see their innate worth they're in it power there. Their voice and Judas. I feel like women have been suppressed for so long. I look at my mom's generation. I look at my grandma's generation. Like women couldn't even get. Credit cards and loans until. In the 1970s or the 1970s, like men had to sign off, like we had, we have had no rights. As women and we still there are so many.  Ah, there's so many mountains. 

We still have decline like as a gender and break the norms. And I think porn is one of them.  It is suppressing so many women and is making so many women feel like absolute shit about themselves. And it is so sad in a, ah,  I don't know where I'm going. This.  It is. I just ask. Sorry. Sound effects. 

But. Ah, I just.  And can I just keep saying, I just.  Anyways,  this isn't your fault. You're not alone. And for feeling this way and don't beat yourself up for being like, oh, I'm weak. I should leave. What's wrong with me? Why do I stay? 

We have all been there. And again, every relationship is different and.  You'll do what's best for you. You will. And just keep promising yourself that. And that's why it's so important to deepen this relationship with yourself. So you know that you can get through everything you will choose what's right for you. 

But when you're making that choice, make sure you're doing it out of a place of power, not out of a place of fear and scarcity and thinking of everything that could go wrong. What if you just start focusing on everything that could go, right? You don't know, you never know what will happen, but that's also the beauty and you don't know what could happen. 

What if. What if your life completely changes for the better and you look back on it, you're like, wow, I'm so happy. I left that person because of who I get to be today. You don't know. You have no idea. You do know that if you maybe stay in this and he's not taking accountability and he's not. Getting seeking professional help and sticking to it. 

And for the love of God, do not know, do not. Don't let a man tell you that he's going to quit cold Turkey. I have never, I've spoken to so many men who were addicted and I have never met one who said, yeah, quitting cold Turkey actually worked. It is so important to work with a professional therapist, work with the C-SAT therapist who specializes important sex addiction and don't just work with any vague therapist. 

Because again, there's a lot of therapists that just aren't educated in the topic. And I know I'm not a therapist. I'm not talking to you about therapists. I love therapy. I'm a huge fan of it. I. I know so much work goes into becoming a therapist. But just make sure you see someone who's qualified in it and.  I don't know where it's going next. 

So I'm just going to end this tangent.

Yeah. And where was I going with that? I don't know. Also, it's funny how it's talking about in this episode, how I stop taking my Adderall for ADHD, but no. I'm talking to this episode, I realize I keep getting very distracted and can't remember what I was saying. But anyways I don't know where I want him to go with this. 

I just want it to normalize yes, it's really scary to leave and I don't think only strong women leave. Like it's.  It's hard regardless. It's.  Strong women also stay like it's. Every relationship is different. Do what's best for you, but if you need it to hear.  Someone's story today, which that someone be me who has left and who is thankful for leaving and things turned out better than she could have ever imagined.  Then I hope this resonated with you because I wish there was just someone speaking up when I was going through this who actually did leave. 

And I was like, yeah, things.  Yeah, it's painful, but it would've been painful to stay, but you know what I have created the life that I'm so proud of and.  Waking up every day to that, like knowing damn I created this life. Like I did all of this. Like I am who I am today because of the work I put into myself. 

That feels so. Good and just so rewarding. And.  

Oh, and something else I wanted to say is if you have left and you're dealing with those. Second doubts. The second, guessing yourself, doubting yourself, like wondering if you made the right decision by leaving and like feeling guilty for not staying to help him. Just no, that's totally normal. But it doesn't mean you have to go back to him.  Aye.  I haven't met someone who left and they've been out of the relationship for six months to a year.  Who left and went back to him.  And I think that says a lot because after spending so much time away from him, they have created this new life that they're proud of. 

They either. Met a new partner that they really like, or they focused on themselves, whatever it is. Like I have not met a single woman who left and goes back to him because it's really not that. The, how do, when you leave, to be honest, like. I don't know, like I, and I feel so bad for saying that to not trying to shame anyone who stays in Malaysia by any means. 

Again, every relationship is different. But it's.  I look at the life I had when I was with him compared to the life I have now. And the life I had when I was with him, feel so much more smaller and isolated and. Closed. Whereas the life I have now feels expansive and adventurous and fun and creative and. It feels like the life I was supposed to be living.  

And I remember being in a relationship where it's I feel like I'm made for more. I don't know, but again, he's my best friend. He treats me so well. It doesn't really, but.  



That's. Yeah, it was always conflicting emotions of is he treating me really well? Am I self-sabotage in this? 

Am I the issue? And you're not the issue you wouldn't be putting in the work to focus on yourself and healing yourself. If you were the issue. Yeah, I think that's all I had to say. I don't know.  I think I do need to have some type of outline next time, because I didn't really know where I was going with this. But anyways, just.  I just want to leave you with this. 

It's not your fault. Don't feel pressured. Like you have to make a decision right away. If you should stay or leave, like you have time, you can think about it. I.  And the moment I made an impulsive decision, that the moment I found out that he was getting hotel rooms with other girls, I left because porn had been such an issue in our relationship. 

I was like, fuck this I'm out. And I left. The next day. And, but because that I.

Also have like second. It's oh, should I have stayed? But no, I'm so glad I left. I am so glad I left. I.  I feel like my life is actually mine now, which feels cool. And I get to love myself and I get to create a life and I get to meet new people and I get to travel and I get to focus on different businesses and. Yeah, I. I get to focus on friendships and all my energy and time goes into myself instead of investing it into him. Aye. Women are not rehab centers for unhealed men. 

I go get a therapist that is not what your partner's here for. Like partnerships are about.  Working together, not one person doing the work for the other person. Anyways tangent there. But yeah, just to remind him. It's your fault. It has nothing to do with you. It has nothing to do with your body or your looks at such a normal response. 

I hated my body. I hated my looks. I hated everything about myself after the fact. But that doesn't mean it's because you or it's because your fault, they have been watching this probably since they were as young as 10 years old. It's the majority of 11 year olds, statistically speaking have already seen porn now. 

And it's something that probably escalated well before they even knew you every day. That's. It's all the all the research shows due to desensitization, escalation and how it impacts your prefrontal cortex, your reward system, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I'm talking so fast right now. But what was I saying? 

Yeah, it's not your folded.  It's so likely that this started way before you relationship. And obviously that brings a lot of pain and anger for fuck you for even bringing this into the relationship. But.  I just want you to know it's not your fault. It's so normal to blame ourselves. And I think that's where things get really difficult could be, can be. 

Then we isolate. And then we think oh, we deserve this. We need it's up Iran. And that's why.  You might stay if they're not putting in the work to heal either. But yeah, that was all. And Vic. I've got other things to say, oh yeah, if you, oh yeah. While my Minnesota accent really came up there.  If you want to join our support group, please do. 

It's you can join or participate as much, or as little as you like. Really. We meet once a week doing a virtual zoom meet up. But it's also nice just to have a space where you can chat with anyone. If you have an intrusive thought, come up. If you want to know what other people are going through or ask if like you're the only one going through this, it can just be helpful to have. The situation or a group of girls who can relate and girls who have been impacted by their current or past partners porn use. 

What else did I want to say? Oh yes. Also, if you can rate this podcast, subscribe to it, follow it, whatever you need to do this, give it a star rating at least. And that will really help the algorithm push this out to more girls. And it's really hard to even get the algorithm to push us up to people because it talks about sex important so much. 

So it's yeah, I'll get with them. And don't really like when I talk about that, obviously, which I get. 

Oh, I am so hungry right now. Oh my gosh. Sorry, tangent, but how I, yeah. Okay. I need to go eat food. I just realized it's two hours past my normal lunchtime. Okay, anyways again, I'm sorry, you're going through this. Thank you for listening. If there's ever content or posts or.  Ah, I can't think right now If there's ever content posts, your podcasts that you want content on. 

I just said content so many times topics you want on, let me know, happy to help. However I really want this to be something that can help women. So let me know. And.

Yeah, that's all. It's not your fault. You didn't deserve this. It's not your fault. Your partner betrayed your trust. Always trust your gut, which I know is hard because it's really hard to trust ourselves, but focus on nervous system regulation, meditation, breath work. We then after your sizes that just know that you are not alone. This isn't your fault. There are millions of women going through this right now? 

I, statistically I don't know if that's true, but I'm just going to assume it is considering a lot of men watch porn. And sorry, this also isn't like to.  Yeah. Okay. I'm just going to let the, I needed to wrap this up. Okay. Bye. You're listening.