21. Learning to Love Your Body After Betrayal (Reminder: It’s Not Your Fault)

Discovering his secret porn use, being cheated on, or seeing his porn search history and seeing it's girls who look nothing like you... feels f*cking AWFUL.

But it's not your fault, it's not because of how you look, it's not because of what your body does/doesn't have. Let's dive into this and how we can start to appreciate our body!

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Transcript

 Welcome back to another episode of what the fuck do I do now? This is your host, Mandy. I realized I've literally never said my name in this podcast, besides in interviews when other people refer to my name. And then on some of my, I don't have it in my Instagram either just says, man,, but that's what my close friends and family call me. 

So if you ever see that there, that's why that's there. Anyway, so welcome back to your go-to source for betrayal, trauma, porn addiction, and just overall, women's empowerment to know that you are not alone, this isn't your fault. It has nothing to do with you, your body, your looks, your personality, what you did or do or didn't do in a relationship. 

And this type of porn is absolutely cheating. Hiding it from you is absolutely cheating. If. Yeah. I can't. I'm already at buds and gone to tangent. Here we go. I'm going to cut myself off there real quick. So I actually stay on top big this time. I'm also not using outline again. So we'll see where this takes us, but I think I want the purpose of this episode to be focusing on a question. 

I get a lot from girls and a question that I get that I had a lot myself was I why the porn? Like why does he need to look at other naked women? Why does he need to get off to other naked women? And in my situation, like why does he need to have sex? Why is he paying to have sex and get hotel rooms with other women? 

Like why wasn't sex with me enough? What's wrong with my body? Why is my body not good enough? And so I really want to dive into that this episode, because. It is just, it is a sexual betrayal is a sexual betrayal. So of course it is going to hit so much differently than if it were. Obviously any betrayal is bad, but if it were a betrayal where. I don't know, like your friend lied to you. 

That's not going to impact you as much as. Finding out your partner was sleeping with sex workers or had fake accounts or fake social media accounts and had a porn addiction, et cetera, et cetera. And sorry, I also don't want to say it's not going to hurt as bad. I don't want to minimize anyone's pain who goes through that situation either, but I'm just saying of course it makes sense that you start to question your body and your appearance and your looks with this because. Yeah. 

At the end of the day, it is such a sexual betrayal. So something that I think is important to call out is so I'll get messages from girls being like I'm this is just a hypothetical situation. Like  i. A hundred pounds. And I found out my partner was Google search or searching porn for like thick  pose or to something like that, where my point being like, where it's completely opposite from what they look like. And.  Yeah, that fucking sucks. 

Of course you have every right for that to make you feel insecure in to feel like something is wrong with your body or your looks or that you're not good enough. You have every right to feel that way. And you're not overreacting. You're not crazy. But just know that it's not true. They're not intentionally going out of their way to search for this because they don't like your body. 

What is really happening. And this is what I try to get into with a lot of my interview style podcasts. Is these men are addicted to the novelty of being with different women. So I guarantee if you were to say you came across a search history, whereas like I'm looking for a tall brunette with big boobs and you're like, okay, I'm a short blonde girl with no boobs. 

I guarantee if you were to look at his history, weeks or months before, or even days before, like he's not going to be searching for the same thing. It's always going to be different things. And yes, he may have specific like kinks or specific categories or John was or trends that he's into. But at the same time, like he's never going back to the same woman and the same girls,  they get addicted to the novelty and that isn't a reflection of your body. 

Even if you I've said this before. And I think it was like a Tik TOK clip or something. But even if you were Beyonce, let's just say she's the most beautiful person. She has a beautiful body. She is so famous. She has money. She is intelligent. Like everything you could ever want in a person say she has it. Even if your boyfriend or husband or partner, whoever it was dating Beyonce. He would still crave that novelty of being with different woman. 

He would still be like, oh, maybe today I want to be with a red head who, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I get it doesn't matter. And I think something that's powerful of being in the support group is you can see , pictures of girls. If they choose to put their picture, it's optional, but everyone looks so different. 

 I guess the point I'm trying to make, cause it doesn't matter. What you look like, because even if you looked  if you're a quote unquote, he's like picture perfect grows. That's the girl that I want to come home to every night. That's exactly what she looks like.  Even if you were that he would still eventually start looking for something else. And that's not a reflection of your worth. 

 It's just the way that their brains have been rewired. From watching porn. It's the novelty of the different experiences of feeling like it's different scenes. It's different actresses it's I don't even want to say actresses because a lot of the times they're also trafficked into it. 

But it's also like different categories and like everything, different scripts, like everything is so different with every time. And. When my podcast episode with Jeremy Lipkowitz, who is the porn addiction recovery coach, he made a really cool. I don't even know if it's considered analogy, but he. We made a really cool. 



Oh, my gosh. 

Why did my brain just turned off?  And I hate when this happens. I feel like I'm in an interview right now, when you're interviewed and they ask you a question, your brain just completely blanks. This is what's happening to me right now. So now I'm nervous talking. We met, it will come back. What was I saying?  Oh, yeah, his comparison. 

So his comparison was. Imagine you.  And this is what he was comparing porn to how it's just junk. Imagine you were eating Doritos. It's junk. Food is not very good for you, but you're eating Doritos. And every time you go into the Dorito bag, You get a different flavor of a Dorito.  That is what watching porn is. 

Everything is just always different and  that's not a reflection on you or your worth or your body. And I have seen so many girls be like, oh like  maybe I just looked different, he would stop watching porn.  He wouldn't. Especially if it's because an addiction, like an addiction is an addiction and that's what I try to drive. Home so much on this podcast is. Compare it to, if your partner was addicted to alcohol or meth or any drug. Like you would treat it like an addiction, like where he gets professional help. 

Maybe he even goes to rehab. He has support groups. He has to completely stay away from the substance 100% of the time. Otherwise he'll relapse. That is the same thing with a porn addiction. And I think what's damaging and constraining and scared about porn addiction is Porn has been so fucking normalized in our society with people make jokes about it. 

Like it's.  Like men. Or men and women who ever  they'll send like funny. Porn videos to their friends, like laughing about something like it you'll even see it in movies where a guy that gets walked in on watching porn I get is so normalized in our society where I do think there's a big amount of men. 

And again, women, sorry,  I'm never trying to deny the fact that women also aren't addicted. I know a lot of women struggle with it, but just for the sake of this niche, it's focusing on men in this podcast because that's what I went through. So I can't speak to the woman being addicted.  But  there is a good portion of men who don't even know they're addicted. Cause it has been so ingrained in them. It's something they have been doing like every day for years, if not decades. And that's something that who did, who talked about this in my podcast. 

, Paula Bruins episode on my podcast, he also talked about how he was addicted and he didn't even realize he was addicted for a long time. Cause he never put the words, porn and addiction together. If you haven't listened to episode a highly recommended, it's one of my favorites.  And I've, I don't really remember what I was just saying. Again. I feel like I just black out sometimes when I talk and go on tangents because I get so passionate about this topic. But I remember after discovering even discovering that my partner used porn, that was a huge.

Like I know I knew porn was in the relationship, but I just turned a blind eye. I blind eye to it. I never really asked him like how much he watched, like what content he watched. My mindset was very much oh, like he's a guy. Just what guys do. It's just a girl behind the screen. What's the big deal. 

So I felt that way too, but then obviously throughout our relationship as intimacy started, Or lack of intimacy was becoming an issue. I was like, what's going on? And eventually I connected the dots over a long series of time realizing, oh, like all of these issues that are coming over because of porn, I'm going to start asking questions about born. But anyways, I remember he wa I think this might've been like the first or second time I had conversations with him about porn. 

And this is when we're now living together because oh when we didn't live together, I just like watch porn every morning because it was just like a habit. It's just what I've always done. And I remember when he said that I felt like someone just stabbed me in the stomach because I was like, I sleep at your house. Like probably 99 when we did live together, I was like, I sleep at your house while you 99% of the time. 

So when I would leave in the morning to go to work, you would just go watch porn instead of initiating sex with me. It just felt like such as, like what. What's wrong with my body. Why isn't my body enough? So that's when I first started giving those thoughts and being like, okay it's not him to me issue. 

And.  And then even after, when I found out about him sleeping, With getting a hotel room with a porn star.  I was like,  Holy shit. My body must be so disgusting, so ugly. So just oh, horrid that he would rather pay to get a hotel room.  For sex with a porn star. Then have sex with me, his girlfriend, who he lives with, and literally we could have sex all the time. 

And I was always asked him the relationship for us to have more sex because. We were barely have yet I was like, is my sex drive really big high? I don't think so, but this hasn't been really an issue in previous relationships. So this is a new to me. But anyways, I just remember finding out when he was paying to have sex. With a porn star in a hotel room, I was like what is wrong with my body? 

And.

If you find yourself in that situation. I'm so sorry. It is.  Oh, like working through that mindset was so hard of being like, no, nothing's wrong with my body. It is.  It's his brain that's wrong. I,  I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror. For weeks.  After discovering that my body was being shared with literal. Porn star that he was double-dipping with porn stars that I couldn't look at myself in the mirror. 

I showered with my eyes closed. I went into the bathroom with my eyes closed and would wipe with my eyes closed. Clay literally caught. It makes you like it's here. Even thinking about this. I couldn't, I thought my body was the issue for everything. I was like, if my, I remember like when I finally did or the few times, like I would like glance at myself in a mirror when I was walking by. I would just be, fuck you. 

Like I w I was, it was so much anger, shame, embarrassment, and.  And I remember I was so embarrassed to even talk to friends about it because it was like, Do girls  no, this secret that I don't know am I missing something? What am I not doing imbed that I should be doing? I have been buying all the laundry Ray I've been buying sex toys. 

Like I've been putting myself out there all the time and like always asking for sex. Like I felt like I was putting in so much effort to try to literally just have him have sex with me and.  Nothing was working. And so there's just so much shame and embarrassment. And then. Obviously, I was never like getting solid answers from him. 

So I would just catastrophize in my mind, he make well it's because my body isn't enough because I'm ugly because I'm. I remember looking in the mirror when I finally would, I just picked apart everything in my body.  I started with my toes is my toes are curly. 

Like maybe my toes are weird. Like I don't get my toenails painted often, but I bet porn stars, but they have great toes. I bet they have great nail Polish. And I laugh about this now, but at the time, like I picked apart everything. I remember I was like, my thighs are too big. I don't have enough of a thigh gap or my waist isn't small enough. 

My hips are too big. Like my hips are lopsided my stomach isn't flat. Like I don't have six packs.  I have like rolls on my stomach when I sit or like the fat between my armpits, the fat on my arms, like behind my arms. So I was like, I don't have toned biceps. Like maybe it's because of that. 

Like maybe my boobs are too say you're maybe they're too perky. Everything you could think of. I would just pick a part in the mirror. And I would blame my body. Instead of blaming.  Him. He is the issue, his brain, his addiction, his lack of accountability, his lack of integrity, his lack of honesty, his lack of morals. 

That is the issue. It's not my body. It's not your body. It's what he is doing. And something that I think is so important to remember too, is that this habit, this addiction. It started way before you, so your body, no matter how different looked. 

Would never stop his habit or his addiction because it's not because of your body. This happened way before you. And this is something I always want to like hone in on a lot on the podcast is just think of the timeline of when boys access porn.  Like every year. Every male man. I've interviewed on my podcast series so far. I believe they all said they accessed it within like the being eight to 12 years old. 

They either access to it originally on like magazines, like a JC penny catalog or. Whatever. So they access this when they're young, like they start seeing boobs, they see like vagina is. And slowly Progress's. 

And then to the point, think of when boys have smartphones.  They have full access to point at any time, all the time.   There has been no like restrictions really on porn. 

Like they just have full access to it. And porn is like the wild west of the internet where there's different genres, categories, trends, and behaviors, and you can come across it all in such a short period of time. And. He was doing this long before he even met you. I get it. Didn't start because of you and it won't stop because of U2. And it, especially won't stop because you just cause if you change your body, because again, he is hooked to that novelty of being with different women, different scenes, different sex partners, different everything. 

And I know it's easier said than done for me to just be like it's not because of your body. To actually believe that and feel it. And I know it's easier said than done that. And a big reason I got so much into researching porn addiction porn in general is because I wanted to like logically rationalize to myself to be like,  It's not because of you. 

It's because of X, Y, Z.  And while that is helpful at the same time, we still do need to sit with those feelings and sit with those. Emotions of the betrayal and of the inadequacy and of not feeling enough, like you, we can't think our way. Out of betrayal trauma. We have to feel our way out of a trail trauma. So if you're listening to this and.  You feel.  You are struggling with you're appearing your looks your, anything about your body? 

My biggest recommendation is to start. Building a relationship like with your physical body. And I know that sounds so weird, but try to do whatever you can to focus on all the good things you like about your body and focus on that every single day. Make that your number one goal. Like what I would do for example, is. When I finally started to be able to start to look into the mirror. I would notice myself when. When I would be picking something apartment, oh, I have too much armpit fat. 

Maybe that's why. Like small things like that, then a big, okay. No, I'd say things like.  Yes. I noticed that I'm insecure about this part of my body. But I also have all these other parts of my body that I love. And my body is more than just how it looks. It's also how it performs. 

 Meaning like I can walk, I can hike. I can ride a bike. I can do yoga. I can go running. Like my body keeps me healthy. It helps me breathe. It helps me see, it helps me think,  my body is so much more.  Then just how it looks. And I think just building that relationship with your body can be so helpful.

To just be reminded that it's not just how this body looks like our body is like we have our body, they sick physical vessel for our entire life.  Friends may come and go relationships may come and go. Family members may come and go, but we always have  our body and this is our home. And think of all the things your body has gotten you through, think of all the hard days, it's helped you get through think. All the hard accomplishments  it has done so much for you. 

And. Unfortunately, as we get older and as we age, our body starts to slow down just because we've been using it for so long. So to appreciate it for what it is right now,  you're going to, you're going to look back at your body. And say one year, three years, five years, 10 years. And you're going to wish you had what you have now. 

So just appreciate her and love her and infuse her with all the love that you can. Anytime you find yourself saying something mean about it. Be compassionate and be gentle with yourself. Make yes, I do notice, I am saying XYZ, mean thing to myself as a result of this betrayal.  But it's not true. And I have so many other positive aspects of my body that I get a focus on. As women, we are so conditioned. 

We see photo-shopped images of girls on Instagram, on tick, talk on movies on TV, on magazines, on billboards. Like everything. We see all this. Like women have gotten so much work done to their face to their body. And it's just like the new.  Normal, but our bodies are so much more important than our appearance. 

And if we let ourselves think. That our only value and our only worth is in our physical appearance. Then we're completely letting the patriarchy win. That's what they want us to think. They want us to think that our only value is providing them looks and sexual acts and whatever it may be, but that's. That's the farthest thing from true. 

And even despite the physical aspect, the look of our body, and I going back to how smart our bodies are. Like think about, has there ever been a time where you had a gut feeling? And whether that be like something was off with the person, something was off with the situations, something your gut was like, don't do this, like this isn't right. 

Something's wrong. And then you ignore that gut feeling. And then like weeks, months, or years later, that something ended up coming true. And it was what your gut predicted and you're like, oh shit. And then you feel bad about yourself. That's how smart our body is. I remember reading  that our body. And we talk about this a lot in my trauma coaching training, our body can think, I say, think in air quotes. Think 10 times faster than our brain, like the, our body, our gut intuition, especially as women as females who would tree. Give birth. 

Like we create life in our gut. It is so smart and complex. And so even despite  thinking of.  Thinking of, oh, my body is only good for it's a physical attractiveness or the looks appearance, whatever.  Even despite all that, it's still so smart. Like we, our body communicates to us so much.  

And this is something I tried to do a lot in.  In my coaching clients, is this getting women to connect back to their body and notice like, when we have certain emotions, when we have certain feelings, our body will give us sensations,  to help us connect to that feeling.  When you feel anxious, sometimes you'll feel in your jaw or in your chest or in your stomach. 

And that's our body will communicate those feelings to us before we can even think of it. Imagine if someone were sorry, I like geek out over this. Oh, I just said, sorry, I'm trying not to apologize. So I take back my apology. What was I saying? Oh, no. As I saying. Oh yeah. So imagine you, you were getting broken into that. 

Someone was breaking into your house and if you hear someone like jiggling on the door,   trying to open it and you would immediately get a gut feeling like. Like you would just like freeze and then your body would like either clench up or something and then your brain would think, and create a story. 

So that just shows how our prof we feel everything in our body before we even think it. And.  I think this is one of the most powerful tools to be able to come back through body after betrayal trauma, it's just, it's called our. Felt since being able to feel the sensations that are going on in our body and communicating with our body. 

And I know this might sound like a little woo. We were crazy if you, if this is the first time you're hearing about this, but talk to anyone who specializes in trauma.  Like it. All about being back into your body and which is so hard for us, especially after a sexual betrayal, because that's even like more of a betrayal against your body, but anyone who goes through any type of trauma. Has to work on getting connected back to their body and listening to their felt sense in the different sensations that are going on in their body. 

The way I found out my partner was cheating. It was literally by connecting with my body. The red flags were going off, but again, I was like, we live together. How could he even have time to cheat? He's so perfect on paper. 

He's always posting on a social media. Anyone would know he has a girlfriend. Like what? There's no way he could be cheating. Like logically my body was screaming at me. It was screaming at me so much. And  two months before I found out about everything I were living together. 

And I started going through a meditation teacher training and another breathwork teacher training, which was all focused on connecting back to our body and listening to the sensations that our body gives us so we can notice it before we even think so we know how to trust ourselves and trust our intuition. And one of my courses, it was a mindfulness-based stress reduction course. 

And  one of our assignments was every morning we would do what we, a meditation body scan, where I just lay in bed for the first 10 minutes. And I listened to a guided audio and I'm going to record one of these to the podcast probably next week. But I would listen to a guided audio.  And it basically just tells you, you just it will say a point in your body and you just bring your attention there. 

And it's so simple. It's so mindless. But after a while you start to learn oh, weird. I didn't notice that I have. This tension in my, so as, or. Which is like near your hip on your thighs or like this like weird sensation in my solar plexus, which is like right under, above your belly button, under your breasts. And bras that's awareness and breath. 

Oh, I didn't say boo, but I feel like I'm like,  Very formal teacher in your breasts. Okay. Anyways, and what was I saying?  Oh, shoot. Yeah. So anyways, I was doing that every morning and then eventually up to the time to 30 minutes, where every morning for 30 minutes in the morning, which was a lot of time, but I would do this. 

And I got so in tuned to my body, to the point that when my partner started saying certain things, I would notice a gut reaction going on in my stomach so quickly, Rebecca. Oh, my God like that doesn't feel right.  The more  these red flags started going off, but I was feeling them in my stomach and the day I caught him. FaceTiming a porn star. So I was sitting in our office like doing some of my breathwork teacher. 

Training paperwork or studying? I don't know. I said paperwork, but I was studying for it. And then he was sitting in the living room. Which is. They're like Walden wallet. We lived in an apartment, so it's not very big. And I hear him pick up the phone and he goes, Hey, you and the segway, the weird flirty voice and my stomach and the other room I dislike bent over. 

I put my hand on my stomach and I was like, oh, what is going on? And.   It was the craziest sensation.  It was so subtle, but at the time it felt so crazy. This is so strange. And oh, actually a really important information that I probably should include before the story. So fast forward, almost like a week before this. 



I thought I saw hinge and Snapchat on his phone when we were sitting by each other and he was exciting through. I like looked at him when I saw it. And then he like, oh, I really have to go to the bathroom. Then he went to the bathroom real quick and was in there for awhile. And while he was in there, like my stomach, I had that same feeling. That same feeling that I had when I heard him on the FaceTime, like I was like, oh, match something. 

Isn't right. And that feeling just was not going away. Like it. When he came out from the bathroom, I was like, let me see your phone. Lets. He's showed me his phone, like everything was deleted. And so I was like, okay, maybe I gas lit myself. I was like, maybe I'm crazy.  I started giving myself the normal excuses that I usually do as we lived together. 

He like loves me. Post-meal social media. Like he treats me so well, blah, blah, blah. Like he couldn't be cheating. I must be going crazy. I'm going insane. But that feeling in my stomach stayed for so long. And then a few days later, cause I was so stressed out my, I had an ovarian cyst erupt and I had to go to the emergency room. And so had, they were very insistent erupt, and then he went out of town. 

I dunno, maybe like a day or two later. I don't remember the exact timeline. But he went for a bachelor party. And so I was like healing over the weekend when he was gone. And I started feeling fine, like spending time with the girlfriends and my, my ovarian cyst felt like that feeling completely went away. 

Like it was not an issue whatsoever. Okay. And then he comes back late Sunday night or Monday night. I remember which one Sunday night, I think. And.  He starts talking about the bachelor party and that feeling in my stomach just started to come back. And I was like, this is so weird.  I was like, this is so weird. 

That feeling is coming back now again with you being here like that.  I was like, okay, what is my body trying to tell me? And then. The next morning we wake up, he starts talking about something again, and that same feeling came back and it was so bizarre and  throughout that afternoon, every time he would come by me, my body would completely tense up. 

I would feel like a sensation in my I'm touching my body, but in my upper chest, like my body was just giving me all these really weird cues. I was like, what's going on? And I was able to feel them so easily because I had been doing that. The body scan meditation every day for probably a month now. 

And I was getting so in tune with my body. So  I could really tell when something wasn't right. And then.  Eventually, I was like, I need to go to the ER, like Sabine is not okay with my body. Like I honestly thought something was not okay with me. I didn't know if I was about to have an appendix of school, except that was happening. 

Long story short, we spend the day in the ER, they're like, yep. You just had an ovarian cyst rupture. I was like, okay, that's what I thought. So God, I just spent like thousands of dollars. Being in this ER, when I'm unemployed right now. So that's great. Anyways, I don't remember where I was going with this. 

What was 

Oh, yeah. So then that had, so then I went to the ER, all that happened. We come home and then two days, two days later is when I overheard. Overheard him have that phone call with the girl and my. My gut intuition was just crazy going off. It was like, oh my gosh. And still to this day. So it was over a year and a half ago still to this day. 

Any time someone comes around me where they just have like bad energy, they're just like very like low vibrational. Something's just off, especially if it's a man.  I get that same feeling in my stomach now. And I'm like, okay. So that is how my body communicates me. That is when people say trust your gut instinct, that is it. 

Now when it happens, it's like a light, little subtle. I was just like, I just know that's my body telling me that something isn't right. And 



and so when you're healing from betrayal trauma, my biggest recommendation so much is to focus on nervous system regulation and focus on getting back in your body. 

So what that looks like is doing meditations, doing body scan, meditations, doing yoga, nidra, meditations, doing breathwork breathing techniques. What else is there? Doing embodiment, doing somatic practices. Like anything you can do. Try those. And that is really what I try to hone in on with my one-on-one clients. 

So we can just get in our body. Like you cannot think your way out of betrayal, trauma. The reason you're not healing is because you're just trying to think and think you're obsessing over it. You're ruminating over it. Your brain is constantly trying to think will obsess over oh, what if I did this differently? 

Or what if he does that? Or what if I do this and blah. Blah, blah, blah. Like you cannot think your way out of trauma. You have to feel your way out of it. You have to learn how to connect to your body.  So that, when you feel safe, so you know how to trust yourself. So it becomes less of a can I trust this person? 

And it becomes more of a, can I trust myself? What is my body telling me? And so that's something I'm really going to start creating more content around that. Cause most of my content right now is just like raising awareness about porn, but I want to start creating more content and episodes and. And then the woman's group too, when we meet to do more things where it focuses on body mint and somatic practices, like that is my number one recommendation for betrayal trauma. 

Yes, it's great doing mindset work and doing my mindset, reframing, doing all of that And educating yourself, but at the end of the day, like we need to focus on bringing it back to our body and.  Of course it's hard because we were just sexually betrayed. And so our body thinks. It's not a safe place to be anymore. 

And, but it is. And that's the biggest slain I urge you to do is you can even find like free sessions on YouTube. Doing like yoga, nidra, body scan meditations. I'll upload one on this podcast. Two for body scan meditation. And I, and it sounds so small. And I know if someone were, if someone probably were to tell me this,  years before I even entered the world of mindfulness and breath work, I be like, yeah, 

like just doing a meditation is going to cure me. You're right. Not just doing the meditation is going to cure you in one time. It's not a magic pill, but it's, you had to make a consistent part of your daily routine and a daily practice. It's think of how long you've been disconnected from your body. 

Now we have to reconnect ourselves with it and our body wants to reconnect. Like it's what, like our body was made to do. Like it. It is here. It's trying to communicate to us. And so often we think when we have anxiety or depression or anxious and pain and dinner body, wherever it may be, we think our body is betraying us verbally is actually trying to scream to us to wake up. 

Like the reason I had an ovarian cyst ruptures, my body was screaming at me being like, Hey, you're trying to ignore. What's actually going on right in front of you. This is not okay. It's causing us so much stress. It's causing so much emotional overwhelm, like a body that are it's impacting the body. And the different chemical reactions that go on in your body when you have negative feelings and thoughts and emotions, and it takes a toll like stress is the number one killer. 

Even if you look it up, stress causes so many  long-term diseases. It's insane. Like our body, it needs to be in a place that feels safe. And so my biggest recommendation, like I said, is just focus on getting back in touch with your body and start, stop viewing your body as it's like a.  Oh if it, if I had skinnier size or if I had more curves or if I had figure hair or if I had.  Less whatever or more whatever no matter what, like it's so rare to even meet a woman who feels good about their body, because what we see in. I can pick apart so many things about my body. 



It's so rare for a woman to actually be like, yeah, I love my body. I love my face. And there's nothing I would change about it. , you can still want to change things about your body, but one doesn't mean you need to too, it doesn't affect  your value or your worth and three, you're never going to reach a standard of perfect. 

Like you're always going to want change something about it. So just appreciate what you have in how you have it. 

Our bodies are so much worse than our appearance. It does so much for it as helps us breathe. It allows us to see, it allows us to think it allows us to run, to go hiking, to do anything that we want. Like it allows us to get from door to door, to places. Again, our body is so important and just love it so much. 

I get to such a beautiful thing and. Again, and like 3, 5, 10 years from now, you're gonna look back on your body. Wow. I wish I took more. I wish I appreciated her for when, for how she looked then compared to now not saying that as you get older,  our bodies decrease in value. I'm not seeing that whatsoever. Like bars are so beautiful, no matter what age you are. 

But even now I look at myself, I'm like when I was in high school and I was like, wow, I was in such good shape. Like Dan. And even when I was in high school, like I had issues with my body. So my point being like, it doesn't matter how it looks just love and appreciate it. And I know it's easier said than done. I know that, like I know you're not going to just listen to this one podcast episode is going to completely change the way you think and feel about your body. 

I know that. This is just try to inspire you to try to start to think differently about your body and start to put more focus on how much you love it and how much you appreciate it. Instead of focusing on instead of focusing on maybe I should change this so that he would love me more. And at the end of the day, a man shouldn't love you because of your fucking body like that. 

That is not love. Love is unconditional love is honest. It is. I'm encouraging you to support it, but this kind is empathetic. It is sincere. It is. It is honest. It is honest. It is honest. And.

If we put our value and worth into our body in our appearance, we are automatically setting ourselves up for failure. There's so much more to us than just. Our body, 

and it's something. Sorry, another thing that just came to mind, I was hoping that I would do a lot after the betrayal is I would massage myself a lot or just get like coconut oil. Put some essential oil in it, whatever. So that's felt good and just like slowly massage my body. And I know that sounds so weird, but just being able to connect back to your body and connect back to yourself and appreciate the parts of it. And of course there are times where I would go over my stomach or my thighs or whatever it may be in like it wasn't firm. 

And there'd be rolls and.  And able to like cringe in a way, because at that time I thought like my body was the reason for the betrayal, but like being able to come back and connect into this, love your body and massage it and give it thanks. And just say positive things to it when you're a massage. 

And I know that sounds so weird, but. It can help again. It's not going to be like, oh, you do it one time and it's gone, but it can just be something that you start to incorporate into your weekly, monthly practice of self-love. There are so many different tools and techniques of what we can do to reconnect to our body. 

And so again, I want to incorporate that more into the podcast, my content and all of that, because that, when I look back on my healing journey, Like coming home. I say coming home and I bought it, but like connecting back to my body and being able to see it. As more than just like this vessel for the for the male gaze. That's where a lot of the healing starts to happen because we were worth so much more than that. 

You were swarming much more than your body and.  Yeah, I just, it breaks my heart, how much this betrayal can impact our self esteem and our self-confidence and the way we think about our body, even if we had like body image issues before the betrayal. I know I did. 

Even if you don't go through betrayal, it's I think it's just so important as a woman to be able to appreciate your body and know that it's worth more than just how it looks on the outside. It's also about how it feels in the inside and treat yourself good. 

And giving yourself massage is going to get massage and like move in our body so we can move that energy around, like going for walks, going for runs, hiking, doing a sport. What swimming, whatever activity is just to get it to move. 

Our bodies, just so powerful and.  I think when we just focus all the attention on, oh, look, what does it look like physically from the outside?  Instead of focusing on okay, how do I feel? And the inside, how can I appreciate my body? How can I respect? This is something that I was born with it. These are the only 10 fingers I'll ever have. 

Either the only two knees I'll ever have. These are the ones I've always had. Like they've been with me for everything. Which I know can sound weird, but. It's so true. Like our body is our sacred vessel. Like there, once our body starts to. I don't want to say decrease, but as it starts to lose its health, 

that's when things start to that's when we can't walk anymore, that's when we can't bike or run or whatever you like to do. 

That's, it's so important to just love and respect and honor our body. And I feel like I'm rambling. I feel like all of this was one big ramble. I hope you found any of it helpful and just know that no matter how you look, that is not, what's going to change his habit or his addiction.  Because it had nothing to do with you to begin with because the started before you to begin with. And even if you're like, oh, it's maybe if I lost weight, then it would stop him. 

No, because it's still, there's still going to be other girls he can look like. Or if you're like, maybe if I gain weight, they'll stop him. Nope. You're still going to be girls he can look like I have. I have girls who are, I don't like to use these words, but girls who come to me describing themselves as petite. Girls who come to me, describing themselves as overweight. And no matter what the man is still searching for the opposite. 

Like when I say search, like he S they still found him like that his porn searches, we're still looking for the opposite of what they work. It doesn't matter what you look like. And those searches that he's doing, it's always going to. Very it's always going to change and that's not the only thing he's ever going to look for anyways. You would have to have If you genuinely wanted to please a man with an addiction, I think you'd have to have You had to be some robot of a person where you can change your hair color. 

At any time, you can change your body weight. At any time, you can change your boob size, your butt size, your thigh size, your arm, thighs your back size. Like everything you had to just be changed at the click of a button. You'd also have to completely change your vagina and your boobs. There's no way you can ever your body will ever satisfy in addiction. 

And that's not because your body isn't enough. That's not because of your worth. It's because. Of the novelty of porn and then being able to go online and see. Hundreds thousands of different women in different clips of women. Like within a matter of minutes, there's different genres, categories, trends, behaviors.  And so blaming your body. Blaming yourself, having a  mental mindset where you think it's because of your body and not being good enough, like that's only gonna hurt you if it's not impacting him, like that's only gonna hurt you. 

And it lets the patriarchy when which is so sad as the exact opposite of what we should be doing. And. 

 I just know how much this ate me alive and how much I hated my body and how long it took for me to find me come to peace with my body. Like I like lost 10 pounds. I gained 10 pounds. I lost 10 pounds. I gained 15 pounds. It was a constant losing weight, gaining weight, losing weight, gaining weight, because I was so mad at my body. 

It felt like I was at war with my body. And the biggest thing that helped us find it, just make, what my body is more than how it looks. There's always going to want to be things that I tweak and change and revise. But that doesn't mean that that's not a reflection of my worth. 

Like my body is so much more than that. I'm just going to love what I have, appreciate what I have. And I'm just going to go be the bad ass bitch . And this is my body. I have it for life. If he can't appreciate that's his loss, that's not my loss. If he wants to go look at pixelated images of women, instead of being with a real body that says more about his behavior, his habit, his addiction, more than my worth.  So that's how I wanted to say today. 

Tangent over. Thank you for listening. If you could do me a favor and rate this podcast, give it five stars or however many stars you want to give it just so  it can help the algorithm, push it out to more people. That is what helps the algorithm push it up. Because since I talk about sex and porn addiction, it is considered explicit content. 

So it won't push it out to people. And same with on Instagram and tic talk and all that. So yeah. I just want to get this into the hands of as many girls as possible. I know there were so many girls hurting around the world from porn use, and I just want them to know they're not alone. It's not, your fault has nothing to do with your body. 

Your looks your anything like this happened before they even met you. And I know that can bring so many other feelings of rage and anger, which you are absolutely validated. And you are, you. You are so validated for having anger, sadness, depression, betrayal, like anything from this betrayal,  yeah, you're not crazy. 

You're not overreacting. And if you want to join my woman's support group, the link is in the show notes where you can connect with other girls who are going through this whenever you need to vent or ask questions or ask for advice, whatever it may be. The one rule or one of the rules for the support group is to not you're not lodged to tell someone to leave, to just divorce him. 

She just break up to just forgive him, et cetera. Like this. We're not here to minimize any woman's pain. We're not here to tell you what to do, but in the event that you're specifically asking for advice on a specific topic. Then people can let you know what to do. But never allowed to tell someone to just leave because we do not want to shame. Anyone in every relationship is so different. 



That's all for now. Thanks for listening to my tangent and my ramble again. And I'm so sorry going through this, I promise you it gets better. I promise you this. You can find the gift in betrayal. And I say that lightly, depending on what stage of your healing journey you're in. I don't want to minimize anyone's pain  yeah, but I promise you can get better. 

You can create your entire dream life about this. This is just a chapter of your life. It will not last forever. I promise you can come out of this more strong, resilient, compassionate, loving towards yourself, loving towards others. He can create new friendships and create new hobbies. You can go create a world that you didn't know was capable. 

Just focus on yourself. Focus on your healing, slow down, prioritize yourself. Focus on. Nervous system regulation. You can do this. There have been millions of girls who have gone through this before you, I don't know if that's statistically true, but. I'm going to guess. It is based on how many men are impacted by porn. And you can get through this. You got this? Okay. Thank you for listening. 

Talk to you later. Bye.