WTF Do I Do Now?

31. Betrayal Trauma and Post-Traumatic GROWTH

• Mandy | Betrayal & Empowerment Life Coach • Episode 31

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  Hi everyone, and welcome back to another episode of What the Fuck Do I Do Now, a safe space where we talk about all things healing and empowerment after their cheating, porn use, and betrayal trauma, to remind you it's not your fault and healing is absolutely possible. I'm your host Mandy, a certified women's empowerment life coach, trauma informed relationship coach, meditation teacher, and trauma informed breathwork teacher. 



 Hope everyone's having a good start to 2025 so far. So today we're going to talk about betrayal trauma, and it's emotional, mental, physical, and psychological impacts on us. And what's so crucial to heal it properly so that it doesn't hurt us more longterm. And we'll also talk about grief and some common self-limiting beliefs after betrayal. 

And then also I'll just add in some information on how my betrayal survival guy can help you overcome all this. 

Because this is the last week of the special launch. I know it's going to help so many women. I'm so excited for it. So before we dive into the episode, just a quick mention,  I know some of you listen to me who are outside of America and on January 19th, Americans are likely going to have a Tik TOK ban, meaning we won't be able to access it anymore. 

So if you find my content helpful, make sure you go follow me on Instagram too, just so you can keep up to date with all the content and resources that I provide. My handle on Instagram is at WTF. Do I do now coaching? It's the same thing as my Tik TOK as well. And then also, if you haven't, please be sure to go ahead and rate and subscribe to the podcast. 

If you haven't already, that's the only way this algorithm will push it out to more women who are feeling alone in their journey. And I just know there are so many women out there who are hurting from this pain and want them to know they're not alone. And there's a community of women out here to help support them and uplift them. Through this so that they don't think it is their fault.  And on that note, if you haven't joined my support group, feel free to, it's also in the bio of my show notes where you can find all the information on this as well. That's a really great place for you to just go feel validated and to connect with other women who are going through betrayal. 

And it's a very safe space. And I love it so much more because obviously on Instagram, I get trolled by so many men who were just bullying girls in the comments. It absolutely breaks my heart. So I really wanted the support group to be a safe space where women can talk without having to worry about any of those stupid fucking trolls who are feeling so insecure and just wanna make other people feel bad about themselves. All right. 

So thanks for your patient. Let's dive into the episode for today. So today I want to talk about betrayal trauma and your public. Yeah. I know what betrayal trauma is. I've been going through this healing journey for a while. But I realized I haven't actually made an episode on this and I really want to add in some of the ways that it can impact us on a mental, emotional, and psychological level, just to have a better understanding of what you're going through. 

Because whenever I talk to women, they always say, oh, I feel like I'm crazy. I feel like I'm overreacting. And I just want you to know you're not crazy. You're not overreact. Overreacting your body and brain are just responding to a very traumatic situation. And it's doing their best to try to keep you alive. 

But I hope this episode gives you some closure to understand like why you might be acting a certain way or be thinking a certain way. And of course, it's never your fault for acting this way.  This betrayal happened to you and that's never your fault that your partner betrayed your trust. So , betrayal, trauma, isn't just heartbreak. 

It's a really deep, invisible wound that affects every part of your being and can be extremely traumatizing and can result in PTSD or complex PTSD. But despite the trauma, I do want you to know it is 100% possible to heal from. So while I'm going through this episode and talking about some of the side effects and the symptoms and how it can impact your brain and body longterm, I do want you to know and keep in the back of your mind that this is 100% possible to heal from. 

And that does not mean that this is going to become your new normal.  So betrayal trauma occurs when someone you deeply trust, whether that be a partner, a friend or family member violates that trust in a way that feels life altering. So this can include infidelity lies, secret habits, secret addiction, or broken promises. And it's often not just about the active we trail itself while yes. 

The infidelity or while yes. Seeing the woman or knowing that he was lusting after other women online. Yes, that is deeply painful. It's also about all the emotional and psychological follow-up that follows after the fact. As betrayal, trauma, what makes it so traumatizing it completely shakes your sense of safety. And challenges your understanding of reality and often leaves you questioning your own worth and judging yourself. 

And judging your sense of character. And being like, oh, how did I miss the signs? How did I not know he was doing this? Is it because I'm not enough. Maybe if I would have been better, this wouldn't have happened. And so this kind of trauma is really unique compared to a trauma where say you witnessed violence  or a sudden natural disaster  or a car accident, like anything where we think of trauma, it's usually these like sudden random events that are like extremely traumatizing to your body and just shakes your sense of reality. 

So this kind of trauma child trauma is a little bit different because it comes from someone that you relied on for love protection or stability, which makes the impact even more deeper and more personal. And I talked about this in previous podcast episodes where betrayal, Chalmer results in more loneliness, anxiety, dis association, depression, compared to traumas low and betrayal such as when it seen violence, experiencing an actual disaster, a car accident. 

And I'm not saying that one trauma is worse or better than the other. Of course, every trauma is absolutely horrible and no person should have to go through it. And it's all going to impact people in their own unique ways. But I do just want you to be more gentle and patient and compassionate with yourself to tell yourself that yes, like I am going through something traumatizing. 

And since it's betrayal and it's relational to people that now impacts the relationship we have with ourself by questioning donor herself, it also impacts the relationship we have with other people with our partner or ex partner, or even men in general, even like our family members, our uncles, our fathers, our male friends. 

We start betrayal, trauma, warps our. Our brain in a way to bake well. This man or men in general, aren't safe anymore. I need to protect myself.  So it's really often when you're going through portrayal to have thoughts, like why was nice enough? How could they do this to me? Maybe if I would have had bender better or look differently, he wouldn't have done this, or maybe you've told yourself I'll never trust anyone. 

Again, I'm not worthy of real love. I'm not worthy of honesty. This is the best I'm going to get in a relationship. So I'm just going to put up with it. And so these dialogue can feel endless and it's just like the storm in our brain that doesn't quiet down and we just spiral Inspiral. So I'm going to talk later in this episode too, about self-limiting. Limiting beliefs that come as result from our now new reality. 

And I see new reality in air quotes because it doesn't have to be our reality, but it's the new reality that our brain is processing while going through this trauma. And as a result of that, when we're spiraling, We're constantly questioning, like what's real doubting our own judgment, looking back at the relationship and questioning every memory, wondering if he was cheating or lusting or betraying us, then looking back and connecting dots and being like, oh, when I had that gut intuition, he was actually lying to me and just  taints all of the memories that we had. And it feels like we have just in a way, like lost control over our life because we lost the relationship 

we thought we had, whether we stay in it or not, that relationship is now tainted. And we also feel like we've lost the perceived future that we thought we were going to have, where we're going to have this. Happy, safe, healthy, loving, trustworthy relationship with this person who said they would trust in love us and protect us when in fact that they're the ones who is actually causing us this pain. And so all these thoughts and feelings, they aren't just in your head. This is your brain and body reacting to trauma. 

And these are trauma responses and these effects can be devastated if left unhealed. So I really want to talk about how important it is, and oftentimes we're going through trauma. I felt this myself and I hear this from other women too. We feel like our life is now split into two halves. There was the life we had before the trauma. And then there's life we had after the patrol, after the betrayal. 

And it can feel very isolating and we can't trust in one anymore, or like we like lost her innocence. It will never be that person we were before it, but I'm going to tie into this later in the episode, too, how post-traumatic growth is so real. And as painful as this betrayal is it can actually be something really positive to happen in your life. 

And I'm not saying that to minimize your pain or to say what you're going through is your fault. 

Or to say that your pain is invalidated by any means, but I'll talk about this more in the episode later on. But as a result, when we're going through this betrayal, especially since it's very normalized and has like a stigma in society where it's oh, your man was cheating on you or he's watching porn. It must be your fault for not putting out enough or MSD because you were bad in bed or it must be because you weren't attractive. 

So we rationalize it and try to think it's our fault. But we can often go into this intellectual creation mode. And sorry, before I go down this route, I just want to say, it's not your fault. It has nothing to do with what you did or didn't do in a relationship. It has nothing to do with your looks, your body, your appearance has nothing to do with what you were or weren't willing to do in bed. 

It has nothing to do with you. I just want to make sure that crystal clear.  And to go back and do what I was saying before. We often go into this intellectual lization mode, which is a defense mechanism where a person uses logic and reason to avoid dealing with their emotions. So this clinic, like trying to diagnose your current or past partner, trying to understand if he's a narcissist sociopath or addict. Or trying to rationalize and justify his behavior. But being like, oh, he had a bad childhood. 

So that's why he's this way or, oh, this bad situation happened to him when he was younger. So that's why he acts this way while that may be true.  That never justifies someone emotionally or psychologically abusing you through line manipulation and gaslighting. Or it can also look like us focusing all our time and attention into getting him help instead of getting our self-help. Or intellectual visitation click, like constantly reading books, listening to podcasts and researching addiction or porn to intellectualize why they're doing what they're doing. 

And. And trying to understand their brain. And while all of this is really helpful information to have. And I do think it's helpful to be doing this. It's often a defense mechanism to avoid our feelings and not face the pain. Head-on. Which I completely did at the beginning of my journey. So there's no shade or judgment coming from me. But this is something that can be really helpful to be aware of. 

So next time you're going through the spiral of researching or listening to books or trying to understand his brain stop and ask yourself, am I trying to intellectualize what he's going through to avoid dealing with the pain and the emotions that I'm feeling, and instead shift your mindset to be like, what do I need in this moment for me to feel safe? 

How can I validate my feelings? What does giving myself love look like in this moment so I can sit and be with my emotions. Instead of pushing them down by trying to read a new book or trying to better understand his brain. 



So now I want to jump into some of the emotional and mental impacts of betrayal trauma. 

So betrayal, trauma, rewires, your brain, which yes, that can sound scary, but think kindness for it. Neuroplasticity. We can also rewire our brain back to a normal unhealthier state. So it, when someone you trust receives you your brains and McDilla, and sorry, I'm going to get a little science-y  for a moment, but I think it's helpful to understand what's going on in our brain. 

Just speak. Okay. Like I'm not acting crazy. I'm not overreacting. So when someone you trust, deceives you, your brains and McDilla, and that's the part of your brain, that's responsible for fear. It completely goes into fucking batshit overdrive. It's like an alarm bell that just doesn't shut off. So you find yourself being hypervigilant, which means that you're constantly scanning for signs of danger or threats or waiting for something else to happen or. Or you're constantly checking your phone. 

If you're in the relationship, you're replaying every interaction or feeling suspicious.  If you left the relationship, it can look like having those same fears. When you start dating someone again or not trusting men at all, even relatives or male friends and something 

I hear a lot from women who go through this healing journey is they'll get back into a new relationship. And then the same triggers and fears comes up because they never really worked on it or fully healed it before they jumped into this next relationship. And so while your brain's amygdala is going off and it's again, that's the part responsible for fear. 

So it's always scanning for threats, scanning for. The danger. And now it's in this fucking overdrive after betrayal. That's your brain trying to protect you. So as a frustrating as it is our brain trying to protect you, but it doesn't mean it's necessarily helpful. And it's really fucking exhausting having to overthink all of these scenarios. So another part of the brain I want to talk about is the prefrontal cortex. 

So this part of your brain helps with rational thinking. And unfortunately after betrayal, it gets quieter. So this is why you might feel like you can't think straight make decisions or trust yourself. You might feel stuck in a loop of what if I do this? What if I do that? Or wondering, like, why didn't I see this coming? 

How can I protect myself? What pieces did I mess with science did I miss? So these are all mental spirals from our prefrontal cortex, getting quieter after betrayal. And again, that's our rational thinking side of our brain. And so  these spirals can really trap us feeling very powerless and isolated and feeling like we're going to be stuck in this pain and this new quote unquote reality post betrayal. 



I also want to talk about some of those physical and psychological effects. 

So as I mentioned, other podcast episodes like betrayal does not only live in your brain and your mind, it also lives in your body. And this is proven by a biology. This is proven by science. This isn't just some woo hippy shit made up like. Trauma absolutely lives in our body. And that's why it's one of the most important things to start to heal after betrayal. 

So we can tap back into our body and leave the state of feeling this associated and disconnected from our body. So some physical symptoms you could notice is having a constant knot in your stomach, feeling tension in your shoulders or feeling another part of pain in your body,  having pain in your jaw from TMJ, from clenching your jaw, by being so stressed and being afraid, also having frequent headaches or having difficulty sleeping. These are all signs that your body is stuck in fight flight or freeze or fond mode. 

So this isn't just stress. It's your nervous system working overtime, trying to keep you safe from a threat it perceives as ongoing. And I talk about this in my course to our brain and body as wonderful and intelligent and powerful eyes they are. They can't tell the difference between a perceived threat and an actual threats. 

So whenever we have triggers, whenever we feel stressed, overwhelmed, panic anxiety, when everybody's oh my gosh, like something bad is happening. Our body in that moment, even if it's perceived threat is going to act like it is the real threat. So that's why it's so important to start to learn the tools for nervous system regulation. To help calm your brain and body in those moments. So long-term this kind of stress can wreak absolute havoc on our body. 

It can lead to adrenal fatigue, a weakened immune system, and even chronic illnesses and auto-immune diseases. And psychologically it can manifest as PTSD, complex PTSD, or PTSD, like symptoms such as flashbacks, avoidance, whether that be avoiding certain areas, avoiding people, avoiding memories or places, or becoming emotionally numb and shutting ourselves off because we don't want to feel anything. And so living in survival mode is not sustainable and we eventually crash. 

And unfortunately we can't avoid that. So that's why it's so important to learn those nervous system regulation tools so that we can get out of survival mode and tell our body and show our body that it is safe and same with our brain, that we are safe.



And when we don't heal betrayal trauma on 14

it doesn't go away. It's not something that will just go away or get better with time. This trauma, it settles in our body. It settles in our thoughts and our behaviors and changes the way we perceive the world changes the way we perceive ourselves changes the way we perceive relationships and trust and healthy, supportive love. 

 And even men in general. And so often you might find yourself in a cycle of unhealthy relationships, you might find yourself dating partners with similar characteristics or similar betrayal patterns. You may feel unable to trust or really open up to someone again, because last time you do that, you ended up getting hurt, or maybe you just avoid intimacy altogether because being vulnerable just feels too risky. Or you don't feel like someone will be able to love you again, if they know all the trauma and the deep pain that you had to go through and all that betrayal. And unfortunately, unresolved trauma, it just fucking limits our own potential, which is the worst part. 

It's like carrying a heavy backpack filled with rocks. You can only go so far before you're too exhausted to continue. And that's why the healing journey is so important, so powerful because  every step you take, you're taking a rock out your backpack and you start to feel lighter and your body starts to be able to focus on creating a new life and creating life beyond betrayal instead of just being stuck in this betrayal world. 



And so on to take a moment to talk about the importance of nervous system regulation. 

If you've been listening to my POS. Epicor episode Jake. Yeah. Okay. I get it. You keep talking about, you keep talking about this. But I cannot emphasize this enough. This is the number one thing to do from healing trauma. Long-term. If you talked to any trauma therapists, they will say you cannot heal trauma long-term without learning how to regulate your nervous system. 

So you cannot think your way out of betrayal trauma. You cannot intellectualize yourself out of betrayal trauma. You cannot rationalize or justifies behavior and expect that to take away the pain. You can't listen to books and listen to podcasts and expect that to take away the pain. Your body will hold onto it. 

And so that's how our nervous system regulation is so critical. It helps you shift out of survival mode and into a state where healing is possible. So if you're trying to understand okay, I keep hearing you say nervous system regulation, but what is the purpose of it and like the point of it. So nervous system regulation is like having the brakes and gas pedal in your car, working as they should be working. But when betrayal trauma hits, it's like your brain slammed on the gas pedal. 

And now you're stuck in a state of fight flight freeze or fawn, and you're constantly revving and overdrive. You're just going 90 miles per hour. Your brain is thinking all the time, your body can't relax and you just don't feel safe or grounded, and you don't feel you can trust people.  Et cetera. So now without having functioning brakes in your car, because again, your body and your brain has just pushed the gas pedal. 

It feels unsafe, possible to stop and for your body to feel safe. So this is where nervous system regulation comes in and helps you put the brakes on and take your foot off the gas pedal slowly over time to help your brain and body come back into survival mode. Into a place where healing can actually happen because unfortunately when we're going in and out of survival mode, It doesn't give us room to actually heal because our brain is, and our body's focus on surviving and keeping ourselves safe. 

So it actually a lot of parts of our brains that is responsible for rational thinking. And feeling and processing emotion or that part of our brain turns off when we're in survival mode.



So when your nervous system remains dysregulated, you might notice several signs and symptoms which could include having heightened anxiety, where you feel constantly on edge or unable to relax or persistent over thinking and replaying events in your mind, you may find it difficult to focus. 

You might find it hard to make decisions. You might find it hard to trust your instincts. You might be going in and out of wondering if you should leave the relationship, wondering if you should stay or if you left, you might be going out of wondering if. If you made the wrong decision, if you're going to be okay.  And so physically dysregulate regulate nurses. 

And we can show up as having tension in your body, such as tight shoulders, having job pain, having frequent headaches, not being able to sleep at night because your mind is racing. You might experience digestive issues. IBS symptoms  or having a racing heart that just seems to come out of nowhere. 

When you feel emotionally, physically triggered by something and you could feel overwhelmed, irritable, or emotionally numb, and feel like you're unable to connect with yourself or with others, you might feel like you're physically present in the room, but your brain is somewhere else having flashbacks. 

What was going on? We playing the betrayal in your mind, not feeling like you can really enjoy yourself when you're around people now. So over time, the symphony clean to. Burnout physical health issues. And it's not just about feeling stressed in the moment. And so this is a really important point. 

It's about how that pro laund state of dysregulation. Impacts your overall wellbeing over time. So addressing these signs through nervous system regulation is essential for breaking free from the cycles of betrayal trauma, and just finding a genuine sense of peace. And calmness in your mind and body.



And the beautiful and most powerful thing about having a nervous system that is regulated is that this is when you can start to process emotions. 

This is when you can start thinking more clearly. And this is when you start to feel safe and trusting again. So this is the foundation of healing and it's something we explore deeply in my course. And if you've used my free nervous system regulation guide, my course is really different from that, where it walks you through everything with the videos, and we do it on repeat so that you can get these tools ingrained in your body. And mind set any time a stressor starts to come up, you immediately know exactly what to do. 

You're like, oh wait, I noticed myself getting stressed. I know I, now I need to go do this  exercise or this practice to regulate my nervous system to help calm down. And it's really difficult for us to remember nervous system regulation tools, if we aren't familiar with them. So this is why I met course repeats them a lot and walks you through it with videos. 

So you can get really comfortable and familiar doing them when you feel good. So then, you know which ones you like the best in which ones are most helpful for you based on each specific scenario and each repetitive trigger or stressor, or moment of overthinking that you find yourself experiencing. 

So as a result of this, one of the most common myths I hear about betrayal. I'm going to take some time to talk about. Maybe three myths. So the first myth being.  Is that betrayal is just motion on that. You'll get over eventually. Unfortunately betrayal trauma is way more than emotional. Like I've talked about. 

It's also physiological.

 It's not just a bad breakup or a bad relationship. It's very physiological and it rewires our brain and stores trauma in our body. As I said, betrayal impacts your nervous system, the same way a life-threatening event. What, so if you were in a car accident or you witnessed violence, are the betrayal trauma in that moment takes a snapshot of what's happening in our body. 

It's okay, these situations are not safe. So it triggers a fight flight freeze or fawn response leaving you stuck in this survival mode. So that's why you can feel anxious and on edge, feel stressed, have physical symptoms like pain in your body, nausea, insomnia, or just feeling really drained and  unable to focus or make decisions or feel extreme fatigue. And so true healing really begins with regulating your nervous system. 

And this looks like doing breath work, doing grounding exercises. Do we have meditation and doing somatic tools and energetic practices, which again, I teach all of these in my betrayal survival guide to help calm your body and create safety within yourself. And then once we feel that sense of common safety, then we can actually really start to heal longterm and do all the mindset reframes. And start to understand what's happening and work through all the emotions and process everything. Another common myth I hear is, oh, do you know, like just read a book, listen to a podcast. 

You can heal by consuming enough information. And while, yes, this knowledge is important. It's not enough. And it's not going to get you where you want to be. So reading books and listening to podcasts can help you feel really validated and help you understand what's going on. But they don't teach you how to process trauma or rebuild your sense of self and how to go through the grieving work and how to do all the semantic and energetic practices of getting back into her body. 

So healing isn't just about learning and reading and listening. It's about doing these active practices on a daily basis. To make sure that we keep moving forward.  So you need very actionable strategies to shift from understanding to shift, to transforming. So understanding is great, but it's not going to help you transform to get where you want to be. 

So healing really does require a holistic approach where you need to focus on somatic practices. Energetic practices, mindset, reframes nervous system regulation. And  listening to podcasts, reading books, and doing therapy. Again, those are all great things to do, but it's not going to get you to where you want to be because it's missing all the work we need to do with our body, which is where trauma is stormed. 

So that's why I dive into all these practices, the somatic, the energetic, the nervous system regulation and the mindset reframes, my betrayal survival guy. So you have all the information you need to overcome this.  The third myth I hear often is that time heals all wounds. If you just wait, you'll eventually feel better or things will get better with time while yes, things can start to get better with time. 

Time alone will not heal betrayal, trauma. If you're not actively addressing the pain, or if you just intellectualizing by reading books, listening to podcasts, or coming up with reasons to rationalize or justify his behavior like, oh, it's because he had a bad childhood, that pain will never go away. 

Instead it just lingers and shows up as anxiety, overthinking, feeling on edge, having emotional triggers, not trusting yourself or others.

So in order to overcome all that healing really takes intentional effort and you need the right tools to get there, which is why working with someone who understands betrayal, trauma, or has been through it can help you heal much quicker because you don't have to  spend as much time doing trial and errors of seeing what works or missing key information that is quite mandatory for healing and what might be keeping you held back. 

So this is a huge reason why I created my betrayal survival guide. So you can have the tools and guidance from someone who's been through it and now helps other women through it. So you can start healing. Whether you left the relationship or you're still in it.  And as a result of believing these myths and realizing that the trail rewires our brain lives in our body and changes our perception of reality. 

That means there's also a lot of grief that we need to go through to heal. Grief is often a really overlooked, but incredibly important part of healing from betrayal trauma. And it's not just about mourning, the relationship you thought you had with the partner you thought you had any now discovered all this new information about him. It's also about grieving the entire future you've envisioned for yourself and that you're going to have with this person. Whether you leave the relationship or whether you stayed in it, your relationship with this person is  going to look different.

Because you now know information that you weren't planning on having to deal with in your relationship. And so when betrayal happens, it feels like the life you've planned is often ripped away from you without any say, which leaves you to process a loss that's really personal and difficult to articulate. And it's really difficult in comparison to say someone died. 

Like when that person dies, they're obviously no longer on this earth with us, but when you go through betrayal, that person is very much still alive. But that version of who you thought they were in a way died. And now you have to process all of that. And you might find yourself grieving the happy memories that you want to cherish, whether it be. Holidays, birthdays, tradition, all these moments that brought you so much happiness. 

Now you look back on it and you're like, wait, was he lying then? Was he gas it me then was he manipulated me then? Was he lusting after other women then? Was he cheating on me then? And so all these memories while they're still there, they feel completely tainted by lies or to see, and they feel like a complete different memory. 

And it's really hard to hold on to that. Then you also grieve the version of yourself, which I think is one of the hardest parts is grieving the version of yourself who you trust in this person so much, you loved him. You were such a great girlfriend, fiance, wife, partners, gum, and you believe that he was doing the same thing back to you. And he believed in the love and the safety of that relationship and what he was promising you. 

So one of the hardest parts is grieving, like who that version of us and giving ourself that love and forgiveness and compassion and not beating ourselves up over it being like you didn't do anything wrong. You were just loving and trusting in a relationship which you should be able to do. However someone took advantage of that and betrayed you.  And so it's really difficult to grieve those parts of yourself that were being manipulated or abused without your knowledge. 

And this is why looking back at past photos of yourself or photos of him and photos of you  together can be really painful because you look at them now in a different light. But I do just want you to know that's a very healthy part of grieving because yes, it's hard as it is. That relationship did change. And grief is really complicated. 

It's not linear and it does come in waves. So one moment you might feel numb. The next you feel overwhelmed with sadness or anger, the next you feel really happy and hopeful, and then something triggers you or another memory comes up and you feel sad again. It's just this repetitive cycle. 



But being able to honor your grief and allowing yourself to feel and process it as equivalent. If someone did die is really a central and health for healing.  Grief isn't just something to move past. It is something you have to move through. And on the other side of the grief, that's where we find this profound opportunity for growth and transformation and happiness and confidence and love and trust. 

And just joy for ourselves.  It means I have a lot into this am I retrial survivor guide to hold healthy and supportive space for grieving so that it doesn't keep negatively impacting your future and making you feel stuck, whether you leads relationship or whether you stay in it because grief is so mandatory for both options.  And as a result of this grief and because of habitrail Chama rebars our brain and changes our perception of reality, women often experience a lot of self limiting beliefs. 

And when I say self limiting beliefs, these are thoughts that we have created in our mind that essentially hold us back from our potential and like I say, when trauma changes your perception of reality, this is when all these self-limiting beliefs come in.



And I'll share a few to see if any of these resonates. 

So a lot of self limiting beliefs that I went through myself and how to overcome, but also ones that I hear about with women who I talk to and work with are, for example, I'll never find real love again. Or no one will want me because I'm damaged from this betrayal. Or I won't be able to support myself alone. Or what if leaving was a mistake and I miss out on the chance to fix things. Or what if I'm the reason the relationship couldn't work? Or I don't know how to start over after everything we've built together. Or I'm too old to start over and create a new life. Or I'll never find someone who truly loves me. Or no one will understand me the way he did.  Or I'll lose the life. 

I've worked so hard to build all our time together will have been a waste. Or I'll never find stability again after leaving.  Or my dream of a happy family is over. If I leave.  Or maybe this betrayal was my fault. I wasn't good enough for him and I could have prevented it.  Or I'll never be good at setting boundaries. 

I'll just let him hurt me again.  Or my body isn't good enough. I can't compete with other women.  Or I must not be lovable if this happened to me.  Or this pain is going to be my new normal.  Or I can't trust myself to make decisions anymore.  Or this betrayal proves I'm not good at relationships.  Or I can't trust myself to pick the right person moving forward. 

I pick bad partners. Yeah, or I'm not worthy of a fresh start or a better life.  Or I'll never find the strength to move on and create a fulfilling life.  

If any of these sound familiar to you, and these are like your inner deep thoughts, please know that you are not alone. And these are common trauma responses to betrayal trauma. I had to overcome a lot of these self limiting beliefs to an important portion of my betrayal. Survival guide is focused on discovering ourselves the main beliefs that are holding us back from reaching our full potential and keeping us stuck in pain. And then identifying them and reshaping them to be more uplifting, empowering, compassionate, and motivating, and to know how to actually overcome these limiting beliefs. So that our thoughts and cell phone release don't keep us stuck and we can go reach our full potential.



And something that's really important to understand and think about after betrayal is how much our thoughts shape our reality. And again, since our brain has been rewired, our thoughts are going to look more pessimistic and negative. However our thoughts shape our reality, what we believe to be true. We'll come true. 

If you believe the world is a dangerous place and that all men watch porn in that men cheat and lie, then you're going to find a world that does create that. If you believe that yes, I can heal. Yes. I can overcome this with the right tools and guidance. Then you will create a world where you can heal and overcome this with the right guidance. 

Our thoughts are so powerful and shape our entire reality. And if you haven't read the book called the power of now by accurate, totally. I highly recommend that just about how much pain and suffering we cause ourselves with our thought, and this is something I dive into a lot into my course, because becoming aware of our thoughts and aware of how much pain we are inflicting on ourselves it can be so powerful to help us wake up from betrayal and take power of our lights by shaping new thoughts.   As painful as betrayal is, and I really hope I didn't scare you with this episode by saying like how important it is we heal. 

And some of the longterm impacts that can happen if we don't heal. I do also want to make noise betrayal can be really good thing to happen to you. And I don't say that to minimize anyone's pain, especially depending on what stage you are in your healing journey, whether you just found out, or you've been going through this for a few months or years, of course, no one ever deserves this line, disrespect and emotional and psychological abuse. 

And this is not your fault. And you did not cause this, but we do have the power to turn this into a good thing and let it positively redefine the rest of our lives and stepping into post-traumatic growth. I remember after my betrayal. And I found out he was cheating. I caught his secret porn and sex addiction. Everyone was like, this is going to be a really good thing that happens to you. 

And I was like, what fuck you for saying that I'm having daily panic attacks or now I'm crying myself to sleep every day. I feel so lost and alone in the world.  I feel like a piece of shit. I feel like I'm garbage. Like I just felt so horrible about myself and the world. 

I got so mad when people were like, you know what, something good is going to come out of this. And I would get so mad when they would say that because I felt they were minimized my pain, 



but they were true and amazing things did come out of this betrayal. 

And I would not be the woman I am today without this. And so I really want to end this on a positive uplifting note. To show you that yes, you can heal and yes, amazing things can come out of us. No, it's not your fault. And they know you did nothing to cause this, but you do have the part breaking out. 

Fuck you. I'm taking my life back. I'm taking my power back. I'm going to become and reach my full potential and step into this version of myself that I didn't know was possible.  And I remember crying to one of my guy friends, the day I was moving out of my apartment and I was just standing in the bedroom that my accident I shared together, the bed was gone. 

The dresser has gone. Like all my stuff was out of the closet. It was completely empty as if no one ever lived there. And I just remember looking, standing in that room, just bawling my eyes out because I was like, this used to be my safe place. This is my happiest place. Like I would go to bed with him every night here. 

I'd wake up next to him every night here. And like I had no idea that betrayal was going on. I feel so used. I feel so stupid. But I still love him and I miss him. And I remember turning to my guy friend who is standing there with me. And I was like, I feel like I just hit rock bottom. I feel like my life was a joke right now. 

Like what the fuck just happened. And I will never forget what he said because it stuck with me forever.  And he said something along the lines of the nice thing about hitting rock bottom is that you can only go up from here.  



And that is what betrayal is. Yes. You might be hitting rock bottom. 

Yes. You might feel at the lowest worst version of yourself right now that you have never experienced. But now you can only go up from here. You've seen yourself in the hardest, most painful moments. You can only go up from here. 

And sometimes things need to be stripped away from us, whether that be habits, relationships, hobbies, activities, people, places, jobs, cities, careers, sometimes things need to be taken away from us. In order for us to level up and reach our new potential. And there are a lot of growing pains going through betrayal because you do let go of lot of the, of a lot of the shit that was no longer serving you and holding you back. 

But that also means there's so much beauty in growth in transformation and happiness and confidence. On the other side of it.



If you've been listening to my pre-trial journey for a while now,  I was seconds away from any of my life. The night I found out about the betrayal, because I just want, I didn't want to live without him. 

And I didn't think it'd be possible to navigate through this betrayal. I didn't want to die, but I didn't want to live through this pain. And I had daily panic attacks. I was homeless and jobless for seven weeks, literally living out of suitcases and garbage bag, coach surfing with friends because I had no place to go.  Wild managing PTSD and panic attacks. 

Like it was awful.  I was still in the city that my ex lived in and everything felt like a trigger. All the restaurants, the bars, the places, the beaches that we would always go to just were so tainted with all these bad memories and my world and my brain became a very scary place. So I say this so deeply, like you can transform your life with this betrayal. 





Looking back at the betrayal while my betrayal is actually my two year anniversary will be in three months from now. So I am very close to hitting two years of my betrayal journey and I can look back now and bake. That was the best thing to ever happen to me as painful as it was. 

I'm so happy. I went through that because my whole life positively changed. For example, my career got better. I left in an unfilling corporate career and started two businesses. So I wasn't dreading my life eight hours a day. I became a certified meditation trauma informed breath or pro. Practitioner to learn how to physically release trauma from my body. 

I completed two life coaching  training focused on one was focused on women's empowerment. And one was focused on being trauma informed in relationships. My health got so much better. I was losing weight, gaining weight, losing my kidney. Losing weight, gaining weight, but then just learned how to stop criticizing my body based on my weight and just live a healthier lifestyle out of love for myself. 

And I learned how to stop comparing my body to women and learn how to love myself for the first time ever. I learned how to stop having my eating disorder. Relapsed to my community changed. I built a new, large support system with people who love and value me instead of just relying on one romantic partner for fulfillment, because that's not healthy or sustainable.  My relationship with myself, improved so much. 

I learned how to love myself for the first time. I learned how to love my body and appreciate myself for the first time. I learned how to strengthen my intuition and stop living in fear of not being able to trust others, because I know I can always trust myself. Now I overcame self limiting beliefs of being like, I could never live a life like that, or I'm not smart enough. 

I'm not good enough. I'm not pretty enough good things like that don't happen to me. I overcame all these self-limiting beliefs. Like not to be ignored. I can create the life that I dream of. And I'm fully confident and capable of doing that. Everyone else's too. 



My fiscal environment group grew to, I completely outgrew Los Angeles, which I was living in for seven years. And I made my dreams of becoming a digital nomad, a reality. I even found the confidence to move to a foreign country alone, which happens next month, which I would have never done if it weren't for betrayal. 

These are things I always dreamed of, but hitting my rock bottom in life and doing all this personal development, self development work and healing journey made me realize wait, I am the master of my reality.  I have All the tools, all the information in the world to become over the fuck. 

I want to be like this betrayal will not define me.  And this is everything I learned in my healing journey. It was also the first time I ever became confident and happy being single. I spent over a year off the dating apps and off of dating because I wanted to create a life that felt so full of friendships and peace and hobbies. 

And  if you've listened to me in previous podcast episodes, I talk about how in my twenties, I was always jumping from relationship to relationship, trying to find love and fulfillment in a romantic partner. But I was like, you know what, no, I just want to focus on loving myself. 

Can I love myself so much for a year that I don't even have the desire today and can I create a life that feels so fulfilling and so fun and so full of excitement, they don't even miss going on dates. And I was able to do that, and that was the best fucking feeling ever. I feel like a completely different woman and none of this 

would've been possible without betrayal. I was going to therapy after my betrayal. And after a while, my, my therapist. Polite the acid, like she's I don't think you need this therapy anymore. I feel like you were doing good. How do you feel? I was like, yeah, I actually feel great. Like I was able to outgrow therapy, which I never thought I'd be able to outgrow therapy after betrayal. And even traveling was something that was so important to me and that I always dreamed of doing. 

And I found the confidence to travel alone, internationally to different countries. And around the U S after my betrayal, like I was a solo traveling girl, which gave me so much confidence to be like, wait, I don't need a partner to go create the life that I want to live. I am capable of doing this by myself. 

I do know. We'll end up with a partner,  longterm down the road, but for now,  why don't I just create this chapter of being so fulfilling and uplifting and  getting to know myself and figuring out, like, why did I tolerate shit? I used to tolerate in that relationship.  What part of me was so desperately seeking that love and validation. 

And can I just give it to myself now?  And ironically traveling to the different countries is actually where you learn like the majority of all the information for the, my retrial survival guide, because I wanted to travel the world and be like, what healing modalities are we missing in the Western world? 

Like is there a different way to look at trauma. And that's when I started learning about how trauma lives in our body and why nervous system regulation is so profound. And when I started applying all the tools. I feel like my healing just fucking skyrocket.  I look back on wow, that was the missing piece of the puzzle. 

That's what I needed.  I could've gone without all the books, all the podcasts and just focus on that. And I just wish I would've done that sooner. That's why I harp on nervous system regulation so much, like this is the missing piece to the puzzle. 

In my betrayal, survival guide. 

I don't want you to just get over the pain. I want you to tap back into your power and tap into post traumatic growth. It's all about empowering you through claiming yourself worth fall, deeply in love with yourself and your life and create a new you where you feel confident, optimistic, and loved. 

I always hear girls say, oh, I just want to go back to the version of me before the betrayal. No fuck that you were going to create an even better version of yourself that feels so confident, so empowered, so in love with life and full of yourself that you're not going to want to go back to that version of you. 

 For the first few months, my betrayal journey, I always wanted to go back to that version of me that didn't know this world existed. But I look back and no fun not that this world existed is what was the catalyst for me to jump into this new life in this new power. And it feels so good. 

And that's what I want every woman to go through this because I know it is possible.

One of the hardest self-limiting beliefs I had to overcome during my healing journey 

was that if I would have been better in my relationship, if I would have looked a different way or acted differently, I would have prevented this and now  genuinely believing that this vitriol had nothing to do with me, my body, my looks, my personal, it had nothing to do with me and everything to do with him has given me so much peace of mind. And that's why I wanted to create this retro survival guide to help you overcome all those self limiting beliefs of deacon that you're going to be stuck in this pain or thinking you can't offer the com the same because you want a hundred percent fucking cat. There's nothing special about me at all.



And this is what true long-term healing looks like. 

It's not just about feeling better or getting over it. So it becoming that woman, you were always meant to be strong coffee, unique, empowered, happy, and at peace, you can go live your full potential and create a life beyond this betrayal.



And you feel okay. Yes. Mandy sounds great. Is this right for me? I want to make sure that you feel confident about this. So if you want to jump on a call to talk about it, let me notice, reach out to me. On email at Mandy at WTF, do I do note.com or reach out to me on Instagram or Tik TOK at WTF? 

Do I ended up coaching does DME and we can jump on a call and talk about it because I want to make sure you feel good about it too. And so if you're wondering is this right for me, if you're still in the relationship.



I want to make it so clear, like this course focuses entirely I'm empowering. 

You. So we'll help you understand betrayal, trauma, how it impacts you emotional physically and guide you in overcoming all of that. And I'll also teach you how to tap into your intuition, reclaim your power and build self-love and so forth. And if you find yourself debating, if you should stay or leave the relationship and you can't make up your mind, there's also a module dedicated to hope

and you decide if repairing the relationship is right for you. So you can move forward with confidence, knowing that you made the right decision. And I know how scary it can feel to leave or stay. I've been there. I stayed for a while. I stayed for, I don't know, probably over a year with his porn use. 

And so this course will never pressure you to leave or shame you for staying. I fully do believe that every relationship is different. And so I would never shame someone for staying or leaving, but my only goal is to help you heal and create a life where you feel confident and empowered and at peace. And to make sure you're making decisions out of feeling powerful instead of making decisions out of fear of the unknown or out of fear of not wondering if you'll meet someone better or starting over I want you to feel coffee. 

Yes, this is right for me. And I know it.  Or on the other hand, if you left the relationship, this course will help you because this is everything I wish I had when I left my partner, too. So it's designed to help you grieve the relationship process what happened detach emotionally, let go of lingering pain. We claim your power, love yourself and rebuild your confidence. 

So this whole chorus, whether you stay or leave is designed to help you heal and feel empowered, but there's also a bonus module specifically for women who've left. Covering everything from going no contact and to dating confidently, if you want to date. So you'll gain the tools to reclaim your life, trust yourself, and create a future beyond this betrayal that feels exciting and fulfilling.



But I really just want to encourage you. This is a new year, a new growth, new opportunities,  20, 25.  

And in January 20, 26, I want you to be able to look back at 20, 25 big I'm so thankful I embarked on this journey because it has helped elevate every single aspect of my life, my career, where I live,  my education, my personal relationships, my friends, my hobbies, activities, my mental health, my physical health. 

Like I want this betrayal to become the catalyst for you that positively redefines your life. And I know it is possible. It happened to me. It's happened to other women. I work with I know this can be the moment for you, 

so again, if you have any questions on my survivor guide, feel free to DM me on Instagram or Tik TOK at WTF. 

Do I do now coaching and we can set up a call or if you just want it. Ask me questions over there. That's totally fine too. Or you can also send me an email@mandyatwtftoidonow.com. But I do want to mention the price for the course increases on January 11th. So if you are deciding, I definitely recommend deciding before then, because otherwise the price is just going to go up and if you're in  my support group. 

I also sent you  a discount code in there for 10% off. So definitely use that. And that also expires on January 11th.



And there's also payment plans available too. So you can either pay up front or payment plans available for three month  or a six month payment plans. And it's less than a cost of a therapy session. So I definitely recommend checking it out. 

You can find info on the portrayal survival guide and the show notes. And then I also have a free webinar called why you're not healing from us betrayal and what actually works. And you can also find that in the show notes too. I definitely recommend checking that out. 



And before I sign off, I just want to remind you, this is not your fault. 

This is not because of what you did or didn't do in relationship has nothing to do with your looks or your body. You did nothing to deserve the line and the Suction and the manipulation and the gaslighting and the emotional and psychological abuse, whether it was poor news infidelity. Lie, secret habits and addictions. 

Like you did nothing to deserve that it's never your fault that your partner betrayed your trust, but you can take this and use this to your power, to create the life that you've always fucking dreamed. Like this can be the catalyst that just launches everything for you. And so I know as scary and painful as it can be. But it can also just be the best thing to happen to you. 

I want this to happen to you because I know it is possible. Thank you so much for listening. 

 If you have any questions, feel free to reach out to me, or you can check for more info on the webinar and betrayal, survival guide and the show notes. And again, I remember if you're in a support group, there's an extra 10% off discount for the betrayal survival guide, but that expires on January 11th. All right. 

Love you all. Bye.