WTF Do I Do Now?

33. My Journey: Cheated On, Homeless, and PTSD, to Empowered & Confident

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  Hi everyone, and welcome back to another episode of What the Fuck Do I Do Now, a safe space where we talk about all things healing and empowerment after their cheating, porn use, and betrayal trauma, to remind you it's not your fault and healing is absolutely possible. I'm your host Mandy, a certified women's empowerment life coach, trauma informed relationship coach, meditation teacher, and trauma informed breathwork teacher. 

 Hi everyone. Welcome back. So I am really excited for this podcast episode. I'm excited for every podcast episode, but this is a really big one for me personally because this is my last podcast that I am recording while living in America.  I leave to move to Australia next week and it is just it feels so surreal that my dreams that I've been working on so hard for the past two years are finally coming true.

 And I always feel very hesitant to talk about how good life has become after betrayal, because I know a lot of the women who are listening to this are very much so still stuck in the weeds and the pain and the confusion and the shock and the disbelief and the sadness of betrayal.

I never want to say, Oh my gosh, my life has gotten so good cause I of course don't want to rub that into anyone's face. But I also do want to show it as  a sign of hope to show you how good life can get after betrayal. And so today I want to dive a bit into what my betrayal journey really looked like to show you how life is going to get really fucking shitty before it gets good and I'm a firm believer that God, the universe, whatever you want to call it to align with your beliefs, that God, the universe will start to pull people out of your lives, it'll pull habits, it'll pull activities, it'll pull people, jobs, places, cities, whatever, it's going to start pulling these things out of your life that are holding you back from your full potential.

And when I look back at my betrayal healing journey,   at the time I was like, okay, I just lost my job a few months prior during mass layoffs. I found out he was cheating on me with, Again, hotel room with a porn star, cheated on me our entire relationship, had an entire secret life that I didn't know about, a porn addiction, a sex addiction, everything, and I just found out in the blink of an eye my whole life changed.

I became homeless because I didn't have a job, I was couch or free with friends for seven weeks, and I'll get more into this, but Like everything when I was in that moment, I was like life fucking sucks.    What the hell just happened in my life  why is this happening to me?

I was so sad. I had such a victim mentality  but now that i've almost been So my two year anniversary of this happening will be in april. So Tomorrow's February, so I'm so close to being there and now I look back with this new with all the lessons I've learned with all the people I've met with all the opportunities that have opened with all the healing that I did with all The self love the empowerment the nervous system regulation.

I look back now at that whole situation And I'm genuinely thankful for it because  I would not be where I was it had I not gone through that the pain, the panic attacks, the sleepless nights, the losing so many of my friendships, like I would not be who I am now had I not gone through that. And I loved my life before betrayal happened.

Yes, I didn't feel like completely  fulfilled there. Obviously things I would like to change about life, but for the most part like I was a happy go lucky person and Now I look back at that life. I'm like, I wouldn't even want that life anymore cuz I love the new life I've made So today I just want to offer some  hope and inspiration to anyone who is going through it  what one woman can do all women can do and yes, we all have different resources different socioeconomic backgrounds We have different support systems, etc But at the same time, we also live in a world where we have access to the internet and we can find information.

We can get connected to people. We have all the knowledge that we need in order to overcome a situation. And yes, again, I completely understand everyone's life circumstances are different. But I never want that to be something that keeps someone stuck in this victim mentality when on the other side of all this betrayal, this pain, this, that shittiness, there's so much love and happiness and optimism and new opportunities and growth and self love and empowerment.  sometimes our life has to completely fall apart in order for it to fall back together and become this new thing.

The way I like to look at betrayal is essentially the changing of a caterpillar metamorphosizing into a butterfly. The caterpillar essentially has to completely decompose and rid itself in order to become this new butterfly. Beautiful butterfly that is just growing and like whenever you see a butterfly you're like, oh my god, that's so beautiful that's what going through betrayal is like you start out of this caterpillar And you shed all these layers and all these things that are holding you back so you can step into Your power and you can reclaim your life

I'm going to dive into a bit into my betrayal journey and if it feels like I'm skipping around, one, yes, I have ADHD, I'm neurodivergent, two, I'm not using a script, I'm just talking from the heart today because  I just want to speak from the heart directly to you all.



So when I discovered  the betrayal, it was just a random day. We had just gone on all these dates. It was a great day. If you've heard my story in previous episodes, like they were    red flags that were starting to happen and my body just over time just started screaming at me. 

My mental health, my body was just like, I don't know, like I want to trust him. I want to believe him.  tells me everything that I need to hear. We live together. So like, how could he be cheating on me? Eventually my body was just like, hey,  you need to wake up. Things are not okay.  I had an ovarian cyst.

 My mental health was going down.  I was starting to feel lonely in the relationship. There'd be times where I would just cry cause I felt so alone  and long story short, the day I found out it, it was a very intense night.

And something that's important to caveat too is what I'm about to talk about. I'm about to talk about the night I discovered the betrayal, meaning when I caught him cheating in real life, messaging porn stars, getting a hotel room from her, etc. But prior to discovering this , I call it like my big betrayal, the betrayal that  , kicked me in the ass, like fuck this, I'm getting out of this relationship.

There were, porn was already an issue in the relationship. We had already had conversations about it. He already said he would stop watching it. I already caught him watching again. He said he'd stop again and it was this  ongoing cycle and when I caught him getting the whole time with the porn star, I was already under the impression again that he had completely stopped watching porn.

He told me he stopped watching it. 

I already caught him on OnlyFans. He said he would stop.  It was just this ongoing issue in our relationship that really only came up like maybe three or four times. I don't know the exact amount, but each time he would promise that he would stop watching it and then weeks or months later would go by where I would find out that he actually had been doing it the whole time. 

And this is a huge reason why I tell girls you need to take his porn use so fucking seriously.  A lot of women underestimate how much it can escalate and how much of a beast it is to overcome and I do not think that's the woman's fault by any mean. You shouldn't have to know how much this can escalate.

You shouldn't have to be educated on this topic. But I cannot tell you the amount of girls who come to me saying they thought their partner stopped it, then they eventually caught him cheating in real life with real women, not that porn women aren't real, but you get what I mean.

 It's not as easy as him just being like, okay, yeah, I'll stop on my own. That very, very, very rarely happens. And when you hear men do that, like, yeah, I'll just stop on my own. It's very likely that that's the type of man who's just going to get better at hiding it instead of the one that who actually stops watching it.

they know they need professional resources to get through this because they have tried to stop it before

and i'm going to dive all into this later in the episode too but i just wanted to caveat everything i'm about to say with that so you can have that in mind and  This message isn't for the men who are going to SAA meetings. They're working with a CSAT therapist. They deleted their social media accounts.

They are educating themselves , by reading books, listening to podcasts, to understand how porn impacts him, society, and the partner, and he's actively, fully making such a big difference to change his life. This doesn't apply for that man. This applies for the man who is not doing those things.

And so what I'm about to talk about is the night when I actually discovered my big betrayal of me being like, you know what, fuck this, I'm out of the relationship.

And what I'm about to talk through is actually  one of my biggest PTSD flashbacks that I have had to overcome  so that's why I'm like starting to feel. Confident talking about it.

But the night I found out it was really intense I freaked out of course  as a lot of women do I was screaming I was  in such shock and belief.  I saw his phone and He was texting a porn star. They were sending nudes to each other back and forth while we were literally going on dates that day He was talking about he said he's dated another porn star before he said he had this other girlfriend named Jess and  I was literally Seeing all of their sex to each other back and forth of what they're going to do to each other And of course I freaked out like  This was the person I was going to marry.

I would never ever thought he was capable of doing that and then there's this moment of just it was so much fear that overtook my body, which is what happens when we're experiencing trauma is our sense of safety has been eroded.

And he was a sense of safety to me. He was this person that I loved and cherish and then that erodes and your body goes into fight, flight or freeze. And mine very much so went into flight and fights. I was screaming. I was, and I just had this moment of being like, Oh my gosh, , I'm five three. I'm a short girl.

 I'm more on the petite side just with my bone structure. He is a significantly taller, he's probably like one of the most muscular people I have ever seen and goes to the gym every day, like very fit and active and I'm a woman. I was like, Oh my gosh I don't know who this person is who's standing in my room.

 This is not the person that I have loved. This is not the person that I signed up to be in relationship with. That person would not be texting porn stars. That person would not be hiding a secret relationship. And so I freaked out and I got so afraid and I was like, I don't know who he is. He could snap at me.

I'm a woman. Like we know the stats. Women are most likely killed by their partner or by a man that they know. And so I freaked out, I started screaming, I was like, get the fuck out, and I was terrified and we were literally just cuddling on the couch moments before.

So it was  a very dramatic shift. And I was screaming  and then I just heard this knock on the door and I was like, oh gosh, thank God we open it and it's, I had, this amazing queer couple, two lesbian women who lived above us in my apartment complex and Hey, are you okay?

Like we just called the police and I just burst into tears seeing  two women come to my rescue and again He never laid a hand on me.  It wasn't violence.  I need to make that clear It was more so just like fear instilled into me of seeing what I saw on his phone and me screaming for help  And, long story short,  the police come, it was such a chaotic situation, such a chaotic night,  the police are there,  We're trying to figure out what to do.

I'm hysterical. I'm having the worst  panic attack of my life Obviously and i'm  hyperventilating freaking out don't know what to do I'm just like pacing back and forth in our apartment crying  just so much rage and shock.

And eventually I call my friend, she comes to pick me up and I'm just  scrambling around the apartment, collecting everything, tossing all my belongings into garbage bags.  In the back of my mind, I'm like, I'm never coming back to this home. I'm never going to feel safe around this man.  I knew it.

And so I go to see her at her place at night, but. In the meantime, I'm just  packing everything trying to find things to toss into garbage bags  and it was really cute.  Looking back, seeing at all the things I grabbed because it was like pictures of families, books, journals  crystals, all my spiritual stuff.  Teddy bears.

 And it was just cute to see what I picked up then and because I was like, oh These are things that provide me comfort. And so I Remember giving our dog a hug. I was like, I don't know if I'm ever gonna see you again which I never did get to see him again because my ex partner never let me see him again and yeah, it was just a crazy time 

and I really want to share this story because I want girls to know like you are not crazy   for freaking out, for like collapsing on the ground, for having panic attacks when you discover betrayal. It is such a trauma and shock to our body that our body straight up goes into survival mode and it just goes into safety and protection.

And safety and protection looks like going into fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. And that is our nervous system protecting us. And so I left that night with garbage bags in hand. I never knew if I was going to see him, our dog, or our apartment again. I go to my friend's house that night where she let me stay and something to note too is like when I was running around frantically in our apartment  collecting things, putting it in garbage bags, I remember thinking 

I'm going to kill myself tonight.  I am not, I do not want to live through this pain. I do not want to wake up tomorrow with having to relive all this again. I do not know what life will look like. And in the moment I was like, the only way I can think of escaping this pain is by killing myself. So when I was going around grabbing everything, I had painkillers from when I broke my wrist previously.

And I was like, I'm going to overdose in these painkillers.  And so I got to my friend's house, we  settled down,  and  I'm sitting in their guest bedroom, sitting on their bed, and I just look around and see all my stuff in just garbage bags, and I just  burst into a panic attack, I'm crying, I'm completely alone, they're sleeping, and I remember just being like, okay this is it I'm going to kill myself, and I don't have any, I don't  If you don't know my story, I was also doing trauma informed breathwork teacher training before this, which was all focused on trauma and how our breath can literally help us in these moments when we're in fight, flight, freeze, or fawn.

And so I was like, you know what? I'm going to do some of the breathing exercise  that they taught me. I'm going to set a timer on my phone and if I'm still having these thoughts after then I'll reassess. But maybe this is something that will stop me. I did the breathing exercises. It obviously stopped me, calmed me down.

I said, okay, I'm not going to end my life over this man. There is so much more to life. This is not going to be the end and

So I go to bed, I sleep for  maybe a few hours, obviously it's a horrible night's sleep, I wake up the next morning and I immediately just burst into a panic attack because I wake up in my friend's room, I'm reminded of everything that happened and I just immediate panic attack and eventually I calm down.

 Doing some breathing exercises in the bed. And then I check my phone and I get this text message from a girl who lived in our apartment complex who wasn't there that night, but she texted me. So she didn't know what happened. And she texted me and she's like, Hey, are you in so and so still dating?

And she sent me a screenshot of his Bumble profile. So he literally made a Bumble profile within eight hours of us breaking up. It was all photos of him and the dog that I took and his bio was like recently single dog dad. And I was like, you've got to be fucking kidding me. Break out into another panic attack.

Because again, I'm like, think about it.  Yesterday, the day before that I woke up in love with my boyfriend. We cuddled in bed.  We had such a great day. We went on all dates. And that night is the night I found out the betrayal. The last time I see him, it's him. And our dog and the police officers.

And then that next morning I wake up and a completely new world, like everything changed overnight. It was terrifying. And so then my friends find out what happened that morning, they come over Hey, we're going to go get your stuff out of the apartment. And I was like,  okay let's do it.

And again, I'm in such a trauma headset   they didn't really understand trauma responses. I didn't fully understand trauma responses. It was my first time ever going through one,  and we get to the apartment. My friend taxes him to leave. So we go to the apartment and I just remember walking into that apartment and just Oh my gosh, it was such a dark energy and  I saw he drank all the wine bottles.

It was like how fucking typical you just get drunk the night you traumatize me. Cool. And  my friends brought over suitcases. I had a few suitcases and we just start Piling my stuff into suitcases everything we couldn't fit We just shoved it into my closet and shut the door and I just the level of rage I had being in that apartment like I always collected all of our wine bottles for cute dates anniversaries birthday holidays, like just  fun memories  Beach picnics, everything.

I collected and kept all those wine bottles and I just saw them  sitting around. There were some where I'd write like little notes to him just being like, Oh, I love you or  happy anniversary, just small things like that. And I just shattered them all in the sink.  Every picture I saw of us, I just shattered and It was just such a level of range. I was  destroying all the stuffed animals he ever gave me 

I was so mad and

 That was just the beginning of my betrayal journey. I had no idea what it was going to look like. So I was staying couchsurfing with friends for 7 weeks. My mom came out to help me. She's such a godsend angel. I love her so much. She's my absolute best friend in the world. I feel so thankful to have her as my support system.

The first two weeks my mom was with me and she was helping me  fully pack up my apartment. We were putting everything into storage. , I never stayed at the apartment again.



And yeah I just did not understand at the time how impactful this betrayal was going to be on my life, especially with triggers. So when I saw his phone that night and saw him talk about getting a hotel room with a porn star  hotels became a huge trigger for me and I didn't understand that.

going into it. And so my mom came, we first checked into a hotel and we're at the front desk receptionist and  I was just picturing him  in my mind, checking in the hotel with other women, and I started getting really hot, my breathing was picking up,,  my vision started to go in, everything started to get dizzy, and I've had panic attacks before, and I was like, oh my gosh, I'm having a panic attack, and I I just felt so ungrounded,  I saw a couch in the reception.

I just fell to the couch. I was like, mom, like I have to get out of here. I'm not okay. She finishes up the checking  process. And I remember we got into the hotel room. I'm  literally touching the walls to try and get to the hotel room because  my vision was going and I felt so dizzy and I just thought I was going to throw up. We get into the hotel room and I just fall onto the bed and just burst into tears.

 Hyperventilating, panic attack. My mom. She's such a sweet angel. She comes, she cuddles me, she's just like stroking my hair, helping me calm down,  such an amazing godsend of a person. And

I think that's when I realized wow, my life just changed. This is going to be a crazy ride and yeah, I was having daily panic attacks. I couldn't look at myself in the mirror when I would shower I would like shower with my eyes closed. I could not look at my naked body. I just felt so.  Like I felt like I was the reason.

I was like, my body must be so ugly. It must be so hideous.  Something must be so wrong with me.  Why would someone prefer to be getting a hotel room with a porn star when you could just have sex with me? Yet he wasn't even wanting to have sex with me often. And also at the same time,  him and I are texting throughout all of this and his responses are so hot and cold.

Sometimes he would apologize and be like, oh I love you so much, you're the love of my life, this was a one time mistake,  I just had a moment of weakness, I never meant to do this, like I swear on my mom's life, I swear on my life that I never have done anything like this, I'm such a fuck up, I'm so sorry, like I'm, I'm such a gross person, would just  try to love Bobby so much and say how amazing I am, how much he loves me, how much he wants to spend his life with me.

But then other times his responses would be super cold and just dry and like he'd  try to blame me, you know, it's just so hot or cold and I almost believed him when he was like, yeah, this was a one time mistake. I don't mean I love you.  I don't want to spend my life with you. There's no other girl I can picture myself with.

 You make me so happy, Baba.  I wanted to believe that because I wanted to be in a relationship with him. But there was just this feeling in my gut where it's like, he's not telling the full truth. No one goes from being like happy and love to getting a hotel room with a porn star. Like, are you kidding me?

That just doesn't, the math is not math enough.  And then his responses would get very cold like when he felt like he wasn't having control  I started noticing the manipulation the love bombing the emotional abuse because  I was away from him  I was seeing him for who he was now not seeing him for the version the potential of the man I thought he could be  And I'm so thankful I listened to that gut reaction that there must be more to the story because I don't know if it's like weeks or months later, I eventually find out through one of those Facebook groups that are we dating the same guy, which if you haven't been on there, I highly recommend checking it out for your city.

But I eventually found out that he was cheating on me our entire relationship. He had this whole weird fucking scheme where he was on dating apps with this other girl named Jess who lived in Vegas and  she would  find him girls to hook up with in California where we live. It was just this whole weird, elaborate scheme that he started way before he even met me.

And  I'm so thankful that I did trust my gut when he was saying that this was a one time mistake. It is very, very, very rarely a one time thing that they do. They will confess to what they think you know, and they will hide for their goddamn life all the other information because 

they want to protect their ego. They want to protect their image. And they aren't doing it because they're trying to hide this information from you because they don't want to hurt you. That's such a manipulation and just gross fucking thing that I hear men say like, Oh, well,  I don't want to hurt her.

So  I didn't want to tell her what I did.  Dude, you did it. You knew what you were doing. Cheating is premeditated. It's planned. You know exactly what you're doing. You're hiding it because you know it's going to hurt her.

So if your gut intuition is going off that there is more to the story, trust that gut intuition. It is so so smart.

And That was something really hard to process on top of all that  and so for the next  Seven weeks my mom left after about two weeks.

So the next five weeks I was really just on my own I didn't have a place to live. I was couch surfing with my friends and Random people like Airbnbs and my friends were so nice. So so thankful. They let me stay with them, but  At the same time, it was also really hard because the majority of my friends were in relationships.

So it was just like a constant reminder of the life and the home that I miss. And I remember I would go on walks alone and just look into all the people's  homes and apartments. Obviously not up close but just as you When you're on a walk, you look into  people's places.

And I just remember being so sad. And I just I missed the life I had with him. I missed the comfort. I missed my  kitchen, my routine, my bathroom, like everything that felt, it was so safe. It was my safety net. And in a matter of night, All of that was ripped away and my stuff is in storage I'm living out of suitcases and garbage bags and I have the most random collection of shit because again  you don't know what you're gonna need.

You don't know how long you're gonna need stuff for so there's no proper way to pack for that and I hated going back to the storage unit because every time I go to the storage unit I would just have a panic attack like you just open the garage for the storage unit and I just See all the memories.

All the furniture, all the boxes. And it's just  a constant reminder of everything I lost in a flick of an eye. It was such a hard time. And  throughout all this, I'm also jobless cause I got laid off during mass layoffs. Prior to this. And so I'm just like relying on my severance checks. It's difficult to get an apartment  because I couldn't afford living on my own, especially living in  Los Angeles.

I could not afford it. I had one friend who was  interested in living together cause her lease was about to end. So we were looking at apartments. , I was going on so many tours.  I, I didn't even have time to process the pain and what was happening because I was so focused on I need housing, like I can't just keep living with people and  switching my homes every few days.

There's I'm so sick of just not having stability and a routine

And so I'm looking at homes with her, but then it was also so painful looking at homes because when  I say homes, apartments, I obviously cannot afford a home but when looking at apartments on the apartment finding apps, it was all these  places that I had just looked at with my partner cause that was where my ex partner, cause that's what.

We were doing I was like, I thought I was never gonna live alone again.  He was my forever I loved the house that we were making  this was my family This was my forever and it just got taken away from me in the blink of an eye It was so hard to process just on top of being jobless on top of being homeless On top of being diagnosed with ptsd and having daily panic attacks.

 it was the worst fucking time of my life And that's why I never judge any woman for however she responds to betrayal. Because a lot of times,  those initial first days, weeks, and sometimes even months, are completely out of our control. Because our body, our nervous system, has been so fucking shocked and surprised

that it is literally living in survival mode, constantly going into fight, flight, or freeze, our safety, our foundation, everything has been eroded.  And when you're in these survival modes, parts of your brain literally go offline. So your prefrontal cortex, which is responsible for literally helping you make decisions, goes offline. 

And then your amygdala, which is responsible for  scanning for threats and  keeping you safe, gets extremely heightened. So now everything you perceive is extremely scary,  the world you knew before is not the same as the world you know now. 

And then on top of that, you also can't make decisions. So it is so hard to  operate from a place of empowerment and confidence when you're in survival mode. 'cause your brain's just like I need, just need to make it through every day.

So thankfully, I eventually found a place to live and I ended up moving into this. This beautiful home in an area of Los Angeles that I've always wanted to live  and my friend randomly sent it to me. Someone posted about it at her work and I called the number.

I was like, hey, I saw the pictures. This is absolutely beautiful. How much is rent? Tell me details. He's  like I'm a guy. There's three guys.

So you'd be living with three men. And I was like, ah, fuck.  I had so much distrust in men at this point.  I was wearing baggy clothes going out in public. Cause I didn't want men  looking at me. I also felt ashamed of my body.  Anytime I was walking on the street and a guy was walking on that same side of the street, I would go to the other side of the street.

And I do that at nighttime anyways,  but I started doing that during the day.  Even when I was hanging out with my Friends they were all in long term relationships. They were all either living with their partner or engaged or married and even when I would hang out with Their boyfriend's fiance's husband's  I just felt so distrusting  and obviously they never did anything to me, but I was in the back of my mind It was such a trauma response was like If my ex partner is capable of doing that if he was doing that then every other guy must be doing that too And who knows what they're doing so who knows if I'm safe

 So I'm a few weeks into being homeless.  I'm so sick of not being able to find a place to live. My budget went extremely down, especially being jobless and I just did not know what to do.

So what do I do? I move in  with these three men. I go visit the home. I visit them. They're  such nice, kind, caring,  men  I tell them my situation. We had some mutual friends, I asked the friends how they were, and everyone said they were just like the most kind,  loving guys, like you know what, fine, like I need a place to live.

I'm moving to this beautiful home, the view is so beautiful. so great. It's exactly this place that I always wanted to live. The bedroom that I live in, unfortunately has no windows. It has no closet. And it was literally the size of a shoe box. I was like, you know what? This is great. I'll take the location.

I'm just thankful to have a place. I'm just thankful to have a bed at this point. This is amazing. And I just remember that's  like one of the  significant points in my betrayal journey. It was turning around and being like, wow,  the universe, God just got me this amazing place where  I love the location.

Thank you God for protecting me. 

The guys I moved in with, it was just such a chill,  vibe. It was nice getting to meet other people.

And I just started looking for all, of these glimmers to show me that like life was going to be okay to help me remind me that, yes, this shitty thing happened, but I'm going to rise above this.

I'm going to turn my pain into my power. I'm not going to let this man take away the next years of my life. He already took away those years of mine by lying and betraying and gaslighting and manipulating me, not even being aware that I was in such an emotionally abusive relationship.

 I thought he was my Prince Charming, he was so charismatic, everyone loved him, my friends, my family loved him, like we were on track to get married, like everything was perfect. But it wasn't. 

And my goal through my healing journey was I want to get comfortable being alone I don't want to jump into another relationship I don't want to jump onto dating apps  I very much so stepped out of this victim mindset and was like, you know What yes, what he did was abuse. Yes, what he did was cruel and unfair and there's nothing I could have done to stop it  But  the more time I had away from the relationship, the more my body started stepping out of survival mode and I started regulating my nervous system and I was able to think back to arguments in the relationship, situations, memories, moments where I was like, wait, you know what,  my body.

Gut instinct was going off that something didn't feel right, but I just kept dismissing it because in the back of my mind I was like we live together. He loves you He  puts you on display to everyone you're close with his family with your friends  You could never cheat , how would he even have time to cheat?

But my gut reaction kept going off like I don't know if that's right, but I didn't notice it at the time So I really stepped out of this victim mentality of being like he did this to me being like You know what? Why did I tolerate, those lies and disrespect. Why did I keep dismissing my gut when it was telling me that something wasn't right?

Why was I willing to stay with this person even though I was going to therapy about him? Why was I willing to be with this person who was making me second guess myself? Who was making me second guess him? Who, where we would have arguments and It would end with me just like in tears like why was I willing to be with a man where we weren't even having sex even though I was trying everything.

I was buying all the sex toys, I was buying lingerie, I was always making myself overly available to have sex with him.  Why was I willing to give up my sex life for him? What part of me needed this love and this validation and this attention so badly? Why was I willing to betray myself for this man?

And that was just such  a. eye opening experience for me where I was like, yes, what he did was fucked up, but I also had a role to play in this. And I'm not saying you cause the betrayal at all, but there are so many women I talked to  and this is what I went through too, where you caught him watching porn, he promised he'd stop, and then you caught him watching it again, he promised he'd stop, and it just becomes a cycle.

It's like, how many times was I about to stay with him, where we'd get into arguments, where I'd tell him how badly it hurt me, where he knew how bad it hurt me, yet he still continued to watch it. Why was I willing to betray myself like that?

If my best friend would have come to me in that situation been like my partner It keeps watching porn and I'm crying and I told him it feels like cheating. I told him how sad it is He lies and he does it again. I would have told her to get the fuck out

But I wasn't taking that advice for myself why and as painful as this realization was it also helped me step back into my power to be like

You know what? I need to strengthen the relationship I have with myself. Otherwise, I'm going to jump back into another relationship and I'm going to date similar people who are just like him, because I won't have worked on myself. And that is why I'm such a huge advocate. for having time away from your partner.

If you're staying with him and you cannot decide if you should stay or leave, at least go on a break so you can have time to think and really reflect on what are you willing to tolerate? Have this hard discussion with you. If you go on my social media, you'll see so many comments of girls saying, He doesn't stop it.

He just gets better at hiding it. And I 100 percent agree based on all the women I talk to. So at this moment in time, I have about 55, 000 followers across Instagram and TikTok. So I speak to girls about this every single day. I probably get a hundred DMs every week of girls telling me relatively some of the same exact stories.

And it always is I caught him watching porn or I caught him cheating. He knows how bad it hurt me and I caught him doing it again.  Or it's he said he'd stop and months later or years later I found out he was doing it again.  And it is heartbreaking. The men I see change are the men who one, recognize that it's an issue.

They do not say this is just what guys do. They delete social media because they know how much of a trigger social media is. If a man is watching porn he  knows how triggered he gets being on social media. There are so many thirst traps on social media and that's where they go down a rabbit hole.

A man who wants to overcome porn will not also keep his social media. And he's also educating himself on the harms of porn. He's listening to podcasts, he's reading books, he's actively changing his lifestyle to overcome this addiction. And I probably, to be so honest, probably see 10 percent of men doing this.

The other percent are guys who say, yeah, I'll stop or yeah, I'll go to therapy or the girlfriend or the wife is the one making appointments, trying to get them to go. You cannot love someone into changing.  This person will never change unless they want to change

The men who want to change, you will know they want to change because they are actively doing everything in their power to change.

They have accountability apps they are never blaming you they are never shaming you they are never saying it's your fault They are never saying that all this is just what guys do get over it. They are deleting social media They are working with a CSAT therapist. They are joining men's support groups They are educating themselves on the topic of addiction and porn to understand how it rewires the brain to understand how it hurts you And to understand how it hurts society

It is so heartbreaking. He's hearing so many stories of girls who are like, Yeah, I thought he got better, but he was just hiding it.

And I think a lot of reason why women stay. is one you don't understand the severity of the addiction and how much this is going to escalate over the years this is not something that just goes away in a matter of weeks or months like this is an addiction they have been watching it every single day for years if not decades most men stumble upon it when they're 8 to 11 years old and they've been watching it every single day this is not something that's just going to go away in a matter of A few days, weeks, or months.

And the damage that it causes the relationship, if you choose to stay, there is so much repair you have to do. Your entire foundation of trust has been shattered.

And I know what I'm saying could sound really tough. It could also sound really triggering. I never want to trigger a woman, especially having a background being trained in trauma. And I know how much what I'm saying could be triggering someone. But at the same time, 

this isn't to scare you It's rather just to illustrate the reality of how seriously you need to take this How long if you choose to say are you willing to put up with this? What is your breaking point. What are you willing to tolerate?

And that was a huge reason why during my healing journey, I was like, I need to get so comfortable being single that I will not let a man disrespect me like that because I'm craving the companionship, because I don't want to be alone, because I don't want to start over Because I don't feel capable of creating the life that I dream of, that I need a man to help me fulfill this.

You can be so confident, happy, loved, successful, appreciative, and in love with life without a man. And if anything that these past two years has taught me, these past two years have been some of the most painful, messy, confusing, shitty, just catastrophic years of my life. Choosing to leave him, choosing to walk away from the comfort that he's gave me from the safety net, from our dog, from his friends, from his family, from everything that we created together, from choosing to walk away with that.

But it has also been the most empowering, loving, kind, compassionate, happy, exciting, fulfilling, and motivating years of my life. The pain I went through was fucking terrible, but for the outcome, every single day that I had panic attacks, PTSD that I couldn't sleep, that I wanted to take my life, all of that was worth it for who it made me become today.

I am living the dreams that I never thought I was capable of because instead of dating, because instead of putting all that mental energy into a man trying to be like, why don't you love me? Why am I not enough? What's wrong with me? How can I change you? This relationship needs to work. Instead of trying to force that relationship that clearly was not meant for me.

I'm a firm believer. That your love of your life your soulmate is not going to put you through that pain

and this past year especially has been the biggest year of my life. And I look back and I'm so thankful for all the pain I went through and all the lessons I learned. That is something that is so important. The lessons that you are going to learn on this healing journey, the people, the classes, the opportunities, the doors, the adventures, like none of that, this job, none of this would have ever been possible if it weren't through going through that and being like, you know what?

Fuck this. I'm out. I'm going to focus and love myself.  And  to wake up every day being like, wow, I am the person who created this life for me and no one can take it away from me because I do not rely on anyone for it feels so good and empowering. every woman to be able to feel like this, to be able to look back and be like, yeah, what I went through was really shitty.

It was really traumatizing. It was really unfair. But so much good can come out of this by me learning to finally fucking love myself. And love yourself doesn't mean like getting massages or doing nice skincare routines or buying yourself luxurious handbags or shoes. That's not self love. If you want it to be self love, sure, but self love is walking away from people who bring you pain and disrespect and surrounding yourself around people who genuinely are capable of loving and supporting and caring for you.

Self love is finding that inner child within you who did not receive love from parents or friends or community in certain time situations and who just needed that approval and validation to be told that she is amazing and that she is perfect as she is and she doesn't need to change. Self love is finding  what you used to do as a kid, what made you so happy before society started to condition you and put all this insecurity and fear and disbelief into you. 

What did you love to do? Who was that version of you before society came and just fucked you up? That is what self love is. Bringing out that child in you and choosing to spend your time doing things that make you feel good. Choosing to spend your time to be around people who make you feel good. Not being around people who continuously lie to you.

Not being around people who tell you that they'll change. Or tell you that they're being fully honest and you find out lies days, weeks, months, years down the road. That is not self love. That is self harm. Staying with people who continuously hurt you and it is our job, it is our responsibility to find that little girl within us and tell her she is loved and that she doesn't need to tolerate this.

There are so many people in the world. There are so many opportunities. There are so many places you can go visit. There are so many new connections. There are so many people who are waiting to become friends with you to open the doors to new opportunities to you.  When I look back at this past two years, I probably lost 90 percent of my friends.

And that's not because they did anything mean. It was just because I started to get really in touch with what is this life that I want to create? Who do I want to be? How do I want to spend my time? What interests me? What are hobbies that I've always been curious in but I was like, Oh,  I'm too scared to try something new.

I'm scared to step out of my comfort zone.  And because of that, I started meeting so many new people, I look back and  a lot of the girls who are critical pillars in my healing and transformation and empowerment journey, I would have never met had I been spending all that time on my ex trying to convince him to love me and to change and to fight for this relationship when he very clearly was being a dishonest person who was incapable of loving me the way that I deserve to be loved.

Two years ago, I used to cry about this man who was lying and lusting after other women because I felt like I wasn't enough.  The other day, I started crying thinking about all the girlfriends I wouldn't have met had I stayed with them. All the opportunities, all my life. Everything just fucking changed and yeah, it was a lot of hard work.

It wasn't just linear, it wasn't like everything just got amazing after I left him. There was still a lot of pain because you have to confront a lot of these beliefs that you have been told about. validation and attention from men and just beliefs of unworthiness and inadequacy and that all men cheat or that all men lie so you should just put up with it like that is the farthest thing from true by telling yourself that all men lie or that all men watch porn or that all men cheat you're literally just setting yourself Self up for failure because you're going to stay in relationships where men do that.

We become our thoughts, what we think shapes our reality, and we will perceive the world with that lens.  I know I will end up in a partnership with a person and I know that man will not be watching porn and he will not cheat because I know all the red flags to go through. I know what's at stake if I lower my gut intuition.

I know everything to look out for now and I also know that I will not tolerate an ounce of lying or disrespect because I know I am happy and confident on my own.  I do not need a man for fulfillment.  capable to feel confident on your own.

And if you would have told me that I would have this perspective months after my breakup, like that version of me months after my breakup, I'd be like, there's no fucking way. All I wanted to do was just jump into a relationship. So  a man would come save me from my pain. And I would be like, haha, screw you, ex partner, look, someone loves me and they treat me so much better and you fucked up, blah, blah, blah, like that's the farthest thing from true. , the only person who's going to come and save you is you.  Because there is so much mindset work, there's nervous system regulation, there's a deep transformation you have to do inside of you and no one can do that work for you.

If we do not do that work ourselves, we're just going to get into similar patterns and date similar people again.

If I would have never taken the opportunity to fully go on this huge self healing journey, that was my number one priority. I spent so much time alone. The first, initially after the breakup, I spent as much time as possible with friends, which I highly recommend because your brain is quite literally detoxing.

It's missing the serotonin, the dopamine, and the other feel good chemicals that go off when we're around this person. So your brain is literally detoxing it, and that's why it's really hard to go no contact, because when this person texts you, when they call you, you're still feeling that sense of, that hit of serotonin, and feel good chemicals.

You're still feeling that connection to them. And our brain is scared to completely go no contact, because it's what do I do without this person? What? This person has been your life, and that's okay, and that's normal.

But once I got through that phase, once I was no contact for a while, I spent so much time being alone and it was so helpful. It was very confronting. There were so many times where I just spent crying. I felt so lonely, but I knew I had to sit with this pain in order to fully understand it and understand where it came from so that I wouldn't fall back into similar patterns down the road.

And the journey was a lot of high and lows, but so many amazing things started to happen. Like I started two new businesses,  I started volunteering with this nonprofit and I was meeting so many people through that.

I started going to new events. I started hanging out with new friends with very like minded interests. I started traveling alone, which felt so good. And it felt so cool to be like, wow I can do this on my own especially as a woman because I was always afraid of  what if I'm sex trafficked?

 What if a man sexually assaults me? But I was like, you know what? I can do this on my own.  I'm not going to live in fear anymore.



And as cliche as it is, for every door that closes, another door is going to open. When you stop spending all your time and energy on this man, you now have time to focus towards friendships, towards family members, towards hobbies, towards activities, towards yourself.

And had I never gone through all that journey, I would never be moving to Australia.  I would have never found that confidence to do this and I am so fucking excited. I have been wanting to go there for so long. No, I've never been there before and everyone's what if you don't like it? Then I don't like it.

And I moved back. I don't know. Or I moved to a different place. I don't know. You can never be confident or  100 percent sure about anything. Anything in life, there's always going to be risks and your brain is wired to focus on Familiar pain versus unfamiliar pain. That's the way your brain is set up.

So your brain would prefer to stay in a relationship where there was a trauma bond,  where it is repetitive lines and betrayal and discovering about different lines. Like your brain will prefer that pain because it knows what to expect because it still feels safe.

Even though it feels out of your control, it feels safe because you still have this person with you.  Compared to our brain would not prefer unfamiliar pain and unfamiliar pain would look like stepping out of your comfort zone, leaving the relationship, getting a divorce, moving out , becoming single.

Like our, your brain doesn't know  what that instills so it will choose the familiar pain. But by choosing the familiar pain we stay in that cycle of pain. It is self sabotage. By choosing the other route, where it's unfamiliar pain, it is self sabotage. You have no idea what it's going to be like, but you also don't know all the possibilities and the opportunities and the doors that can open for you.

I know what I have been saying today could sound harsh, and I, Historically speaking, I try not to speak this way because I don't want to trigger women. I don't want any woman to ever feel like it is her fault she's in this situation.  But I do want women to know you have all the power and control to get yourself out of the situation.

You cannot change someone. You cannot convince them to change either. This person has to be willing to change on their own. And if they're not willing to change on your own, then that is your responsibility to take back your power and to be like, fine, then you don't get access to me. Then you don't get to experience all the love, honesty, joy, compassion, humor, fun, excitement that I bring to this world.

Cause there is someone else in the world who will appreciate that, who will value that, and who will not risk losing that.

And again, if you have this mindset of all men cheat, all men watch porn, you're going to stay in a relationship and you will create that reality for yourself.

And even if every man did cheat or watch porn,  I have been single for the past two years and it's been the happy, empowering, confident, loving, exciting moments of my life. Were there points of pain? Yeah, but now that I'm comfortable being single, there's not even a part of me that really craves for a relationship anymore because I am giving myself everything that I need to feel happy, to feel confident, to feel complete, to feel fulfilled.

In order for a man to step into my life right now, he would have to provide so much value. Or not even value, but he would just have to be so compatible with my life where I don't have to sacrifice any of myself, where I don't have to betray myself, where I don't have to be okay with unhealthy behaviors.

I'm not okay with that and I won't tolerate it in my relationship anymore because I know what's at stake. I know how bad it can get. I know how much it can progress. I have women come to me every single day who have I have been in this relationship for three, five, 10, 20 years and it's not getting better.

And I feel thankful that I don't have to worry about that anymore.

And at some point it's okay, at what point do you have your wake up call? At what point do you realize you have wasted years of your life fighting for this person? who is showing you with their actions that they are incapable of loving you the way you deserve. You deserve the same love that you give out.

Are you watching porn? No. Are you lying? No. Are you cheating? No. Are you manipulating and gaslighting? No. What are you doing? You're trying to make them become the best version of themselves. You're fighting your ass off for a relationship. You're having sleepless nights. You're feeling lonely in a relationship.

You're constantly wondering if you should stay or leave or if he's getting better. You're constantly worried about what content he's looking at on his phone. You're trying to find him resources. You're sending him podcast links. You're sending him social media accounts. You're sending him therapists.

You're literally mothering another person. You've taken the role as his mother. This man is a grown ass adult. He has access to the internet, which we know very well because he watches porn, but that also means he has access to getting therapists, to finding resources, to getting help, to truly changing his life.

And I don't mean this for the men who are actively going to therapy, who have already deleted social media, who are in men's  support groups, who are educating themselves on the topic day in and day out. I don't mean this for the men who are actively trying to change. This for the men who say they're going to change, but they don't. 

For the men who say they have told you all the honesty, but then you continue to find lies down the road.  Women deserve so much better. Honesty, trust, faithfulness, and sobriety in a relationship is the bare fucking minimum.

If you had a son with this person, and the son turned out to be exactly like him, would you feel proud or would you be scared?  If someone told you that you are exactly like your partner, would you take that as a compliment or an insult?

If you had a daughter with this person and your daughter ends up dating or marrying the exact same type of man that raised her, what would you tell her to do?  If your best friend came to you in this exact relationship that you're in,  Would you tell her to stay or leave? Like we need to have these honest questions and these honest self reflection moments with ourselves.

Like we are the only one who will get us out of this pain and get us out of this mess. No one is going to come and save you.

And the way we do that is learning to love ourselves and give ourselves the love that we so desperately seek from other people.  that were so desperate Oh if I get into a relationship, everything will be fine, and I won't have to worry about this anymore, or, oh, if he starts getting help, everything will be fine. 

There's still so much pain, emotional pain and trauma stored in your body that you still are going to have to work through, regardless. We can't control what happens to us in life, but we can control the environments we choose to stay in. 

And for me, I wasn't willing to risk betting on someone else. I knew no matter what, I had to focus on myself and focus on my self love. And focus on getting comfortable being alone because otherwise I was going to get myself into situations where I'm not treated with the respect and love and honesty and appreciation that every human deserves. 

So I know this can sound like tough love, but there's a point in our healing journey where we do need to access tough love to be like, what am I doing? How long am I willing to put up with this? 

And how can I be the one to get me out? And what opportunities and new doors are going to open and what new friendships am I going to meet, who introduced me to new people, what new hobbies and activities am I going to try that lights me up and becomes so fun and who knows, maybe I start to create like a side hustle or a side business or maybe you create that podcast or maybe you go for that audition or maybe you start that new music or maybe you start that new piece of art, like whatever it is, what is it?

That the world wants you, the world, God, universe, they want you to be happy. They want you to succeed. They want you to level up. They don't want you to be sad. They don't want you to be crying.  Lean on a higher power who is going to advocate for you and tell you that we want good things for you.

Finding a relationship with God was huge for me  because I knew God wouldn't want his daughter to be lied to, to be abused, to be gaslit, to be manipulated, to be cheated on. I knew God would want his daughter to be with a man who views me as his daughter, a man who respects, cherishes, values, and loves me unconditionally.

God's plan wasn't for me to become insecure, a shell of myself, small, skeptical, anxious, by being in that last relationship. God didn't want that for me. He wants me to be with a person who will make me feel happy, soft, gentle, confident, safe, and secure.  Cause that's what love is.

So I know this episode has been a lot of tough love. If you take away anything from this today, I just want you to know. I was jobless, I was homeless, I was diagnosed with PTSD, I had daily panic attacks, I was couchsurfing with friends for 7 days, I literally moved into a home with 4 random men,

I wanted to end my life, everything crushed, everything, my whole life was destroyed in a matter of a day,  but I came out fine. I came out better than when I first entered it. And I hear so many powerful, transformative stories of other women. Who end up meeting the love of their life, who end up starting a new job, who end up getting a promotion, who end up traveling the world, who end up just being happy, calm, secure

when they choose to love themselves and walk away from the pain of betrayal. And I'm not saying relationships can't heal who go through betrayal. I'm not saying that at all, but the risk of developing complex PTSD, the risk of developing a stronger trauma bond just gets bigger and bigger the longer you stay.

It is our responsibility. We can't control what happens to us in life, but we can control the environments we choose to stay in. And , it is our responsibility to choose the environment that is best for our long term healing and happiness and self love. And staying, if you stay from a place of confidence and empowerment, not a place of fear.

Fear of being alone, fear of starting over, fear of being single, fear of him being with someone else.  He's going to do the same thing that he did to someone else,  especially if this man is not going to weekly therapy. He's not cleaning social media. He's not educating himself, listening to podcasts, reading books, understanding how the addiction impacts his brain, how it impacts you, how it impacts society.

Women deserve so much better than the pain of betrayal and I know it exists because I have gone through it, because I have found it, because I am chasing my dreams.

So if you're looking for any additional support through your healing journey, just a reminder I have my free support group. We meet weekly on Wednesdays, but you also have a 24 7 chat function You can always talk to other girls who are going through the betrayal journey as well I also have my betrayal survival guide, which is an online self paced course to really give you All of the tools to focus on self love, empowerment, regulate your nervous system to help you transform this pain into power and go and to go on and create your new life, create your new vision, create the next chapter of you and to be happy with that chapter instead of staying stuck in this pain and shittiness of betrayal.

I also offer my three month coaching programs with I just opened new slots up for that So if you want to work with me one on one We can do that We meet for 60 minutes via zoom every week and then you can also text me and send me voice notes in between sessions So you always have me with you And this is really powerful to do a lot of that deep transformations to look at a lot of these limiting beliefs to understand what is truly holding you back and how do you get there.

It's very goal based. It's very , goal oriented where we focus on, okay, this is where you want to be. We're going to create a game plan and we're going to get you  there in three months.

Please know that what you are going through is not your fault. It's not a reflection of your looks. Your body has nothing to do with you. And yes, this pain is so fucking shitty. You're right, it's unfair. You're right, it sucks that you have to be the one to do the healing. You're right, that does suck. You didn't ask to be in this position to begin with.

But don't underestimate the beauty, and the strength, and the transformation, and all the good that can come out of it. I would not be helping girls transform and go through betrayal if I had not gone through it myself because I know it is possible. Is it hard work? Of course. But is it possible?

Hell yeah. And is it worth it? Fuck yeah. If you would have told me two years ago that I would be  happy and confident being single, that I would have so many new friends, that I would have all these hobbies and activities that light me up, and that I would be moving to Australia alone, I'd be like, girl, there's no fucking way.

But it is possible.  I have gone through it. I have all the tools and the resources to get you through it. And I want you to know this does not have to be your forever. No

matter what your life circumstances are. There's a way to break through it  No matter what you feel is holding you back There's a way to break through it And that is why I love getting to do the work that I do with girls where we just they just have these epiphanies And realizations be like, oh my gosh I never realized this is what was holding me back and now we're able to move forward 

And tap into that power and take that power back. That is like one of the most amazing feelings ever  And I know every woman is capable. Women are so fucking strong, resourceful, creative, loving, kind, compassionate,

direct, powerful leaders. Women are amazing. And what one woman can do, every woman can do.

So I know this was a bit of a longer episode today. I didn't have a script. I had no idea like what I was going to be talking about. I just wanted to speak directly from the heart. Again, this is my last podcast that I'll be  recording here in America. So it is just such a very exciting opportunity for me.

And thank you so much for listening for helping this podcast grow again One of the best ways to help it grow and  more importantly For other women to be able to find this to know that they're not alone in their healing journey to know that this pain's betrayal Is not their fault is by rating and subscribing the podcast So if you could do that would just be so helpful and if you are interested in any of my offers my support group my betrayal survival guide working with me on a three month coaching package All the links for that are directly in my bio And yeah, I will see you on the other side in a different country.

All right. Love you all. Bye