WTF Do I Do Now?

35. Hidden / Repetitive Porn Use and Cheating is Abuse & Trauma Bonds

• Mandy | Betrayal & Empowerment Life Coach • Episode 35

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In this episode, we dive into why hidden and repetitive porn use and cheating is emotional and psychological abuse, what an abuse cycle is, and what trauma bonds are

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  Hi everyone, and welcome back to another episode of What the Fuck Do I Do Now? A safe space where we talk about all things healing and empowerment after their cheating porn use and betrayal trauma to remind you it's not your fault in hearing is absolutely possible. I'm your host Mandy, a certified woman's empowerment life coach, trauma-informed relationship coach, meditation teacher, and trauma-informed breathwork teacher. 

 Hello everyone and welcome back. I am so happy to be back. And before I jump into this episode,

I took about a two month break of making my podcast every week, mainly because  I was just going through a big life transition, moving to Australia, getting settled in while also traveling alone in Indonesia and Thailand, and my wifi wasn't that great and I just really wanted to take a period of.

Disconnecting from all of the unnecessary work I had to do. I say unnecessary meaning like not working with my clients, but just I wanted to decompress from digital phone, laptop as much as possible, but now I'm back. I'm so excited to be back in the rhythm. So excited to be producing this episode. It is amazing, and I have just felt so

inspired and I really, really, really want to drive home, which is why I wanted to create this episode to really illustrate the realities of how dangerous hiding and lying about porn use is and cheating. And  when I say porn use and cheating, I do view. Porn as cheating 100%. But I also work with women who have experience infidelity and not porn use.

So that's why I say porn use and cheating. To me, they're the same. But I also wanted to be able to speak to women where porn use wasn't an issue in their relationship, but cheating was an issue. So that's why I used both of those. So today we're gonna dive in, and I know this can be a heavy episode.

It. I mean, the title is talking about  how hidden and repetitive porn use and cheating is emotional and psychological abuse. So of course that's a really heavy sensitive topic to even talk about. So I know this can be a bit heavy and often because we think like, oh, you know, like I'm not the type of woman who would get into an emotionally or psychologically abusive relationship, and I just really wanna drive home and help women.

Remember that there is not a quote unquote type of woman who would get into that. At the end of the day, it's deception, it's abuse, it's deceiving, and we're going to dive into this a bunch of episode, and that's not your fault. It doesn't make you any less of a woman. It doesn't make you dumb or anything like that.

 It is just a circumstance that happened to you and you couldn't have prevented it 'cause you didn't think that this would ever happen.  So we're gonna dive into this a lot. And when a therapist told me that I was in an emotionally and psychologically abusive relationship, it really. To be honest, it just shattered my world.

I was like, wait, what? , no, we had the perfect relationship. He treated me so well.  Yeah, like porn use was a little bit of issue, but it wasn't that big of a deal ever. Like 80% of the relationship was really good and then  20% was bad. I. But at the end of the day, that 20% was still abuse and  that's not, it's not okay, and I just felt like I was stupid, like I was a failure.

But I just really want to drive home  that's not true to anyone listening to this, and you don't deserve this. It isn't your fault  so please don't beat yourself up over that. But it can be our responsibility to break free from this, and I broke free from it.

I meet so many women who break free from it. It doesn't mean you're stuck in this, and it doesn't mean this has to be the rest of your life.  We can create a better future and life for ourselves. No doubt about it. But again, I'm not trying to minimize your pain, but I do want to empower you to be, you can leave.

This doesn't have to be your forever.  There are 8 billion people in the world what you're going through a relationship is not normal, and I don't want you to expect or stay in it because you think it's normal.

And before we dive into the episode, always just a friendly reminder. If you haven't, if you could please rate and subscribe the podcast. Give it five stars. That's really the only way  the algorithm will push it out to other women who are going through this. And I want as many women to find this 

 To know that they arent't alone, they aren't crazy, and there's healing resources available for what they're going through. And also, if you haven't joined my free women's support group yet, the link to join that is  in my show notes. It's a great place to go and meet other women and have just a safe place to connect with people who understand what you're going through. 

And also if you wanna take your healing to the next level, I have my Betrayal Survival Guide Course, which is a self-paced course for women who left the relationship, or women who are thinking about leaving the relationship, but are a little bit too afraid to right now. And this really just focuses on empowering you, teaching you how to actually love yourself, how to regulate your nervous.

System, how to move through and process the pain that you're going through so that it doesn't hold you back in life. It's that you don't get into another relationship with a man who has the same mask and ultimately  has a bad issue with porn or cheating  and it's really supposed to empower you and put all and let you know that you can create your dream life.

And it shows you how to move forward and to how to create that dream life so you can let go of the shackles of this paint.  And also on top of that, I also do one-on-one coaching with women, which I highly recommend just being able to work, whether it be with me or another professional. So you work with someone who has already been through this, who has already healed, who understands the exact pain points and how to actually get over them. You can save time, save money instead of trying to figure out everything on your own.

And just so you can have support from someone who me, I, I won't judge you. I won't blame you. I won't shame you. Like I have been through it, I understand it all, but I also have gotten through it. And so I know what lies on the other side of this pain and that's why I do this 'cause I want to show women you can go create your dream fucking life.

 I would have never been able to go travel the world on my own.  Create strong friendships with women, create two companies, create stronger bonds with my family. Really focus on improving my mental and physical health. When I say  everything in my life changed positively while I was healing from betrayal, it truly did.

And I want that for every single woman 'cause I know what it's like to have the sleepless nights, the anxiety, the PTSD, the fear of being alone, the fear of ndering if you'll ever meet someone, like I understand all of that. And I want you to know it's possible to get through it, and I want to be there and hold your hand and walk you through it. 

 And another reminder, if you don't follow me on Instagram, I know most of you do follow me on TikTok. Just a reminder, the TikTok ban, the second one  might go into effect again in America. So if you wanna follow me on Instagram and find my content helpful. My handle is at wtf, do I do not coaching?

Okay, so let's go into it. So first we're gonna talk about what is emotional and psychological abuse.

So emotional abuse involves any behavior that really undermines a person's sense of self-worth safety or mental wellbeing. So this can include gaslighting, manipulation, blame, shifting the silent treatment, and really any other tactic that leave you or leave someone doubting their reality.  Then on the other hand, psychological abuse.

So psychological abuse is closely related and it also includes behaviors that cause mental trauma or make someone feel powerless, confused or crazy. So it often works slowly and very covertly,  and erodes a person's sense of safety and autonomy.  So emotional and psychological abuse can often make you feel stuck or trapped in a relationship when in reality you can leave and break this abuse cycle.

 So here's some examples of emotional and psychological abuse. First and foremost, gaslighting, which I know it's such a buzzword, but basically what gaslighting is, it's when he downplays your feelings or denies the impact of his actions, which makes you question your reality. So statements like it's not a big deal.

You are overreacting. Everyone watches porn. So this essentially invalidates your emotions and leaves you doubting yourself. Or making you feel like, okay, well maybe I should stay in the relationship if everyone does this in a relationship, but this isn't reality and this isn't normal to do in a relationship. 

The second example is blaming you for his choices. So this would look like him shifting responsibility, suggesting that you are the reason he turned to porn. So he may seem, say things like, well, if you were more fun in bed, or You're too controlling. So  this blaming you for his choices. This tactic places the blame on you, obviously, instead of him taking accountability for his decision. 

It's not your fault that he's watching it. He's been watching it long before he met you, and he'd be doing this to any other woman he dated. He's refusing to take accountability for his choices.  The third example would be repeated lies or broken promises. So he may continue to promise a change but doesn't follow through, which leaves you in a constant cycle of hope and disappointment.

So this is similar to women in physically abusive relationships where they hold onto this sense of hope that this will be the last time. But in reality, past behavior predicts future behavior.

If he's already had the audacity to lie once. Or even twice, he's going to continue to lie, and each time he'll follow it up with promises of change. All right, the fourth is emotional withdrawal. So this is when he withholds affection, communication, or connection as a way to punish you for confronting him or expressing your need. 

So whether that be he gives you the silent treatment or acts like he doesn't care, that then leaves you craving him and he knows you'll come crawling back. The fifth sign is minimizing the betrayal, 

so he minimizes the impact of his lies or action and suggests that you're too sensitive or unreasonable, or controlling for feeling hurt, but in reality, your feelings fucking matter, and they are important and they are valid. You're not overreacting and what he's doing is wrong.

The sixth sign is shaming or criticizing you, so he makes comments that undermine your self-esteem or value, such as you are insecure, you are too needy, you are controlling. The seventh sign is using porn to manipulate. So he justifies his behavior to control you by saying things like, this is just what men do. 

You need to accept it. If you wanna stay with me,  every man's going to do this in a relationship.  None of my other girlfriends cared about this. The eighth sign is ignoring your boundaries. So he dismisses or violates boundaries that you've set to rebuild trust, which shows a lack of respect for your emotional safety.

If he's dismissing and violating boundaries that you set up for your emotional safety. He's dismissing that.  He's dismissing your emotional safety. The ninth sign, and this is a big one, making you feel responsible for his healing. So he expects you to fix him, putting the weight of his choices and his behaviors and recovery on your shoulders instead of him actively seeking accountability and professional help on his own. 

So in reality, he's a grown ass adult man who should take full responsibility for his healing. You should not be the one sending him articles or resources, making therapy appointments, et cetera. That should be him.  I'm going to hold your hand when I say this. He has spent hours likely every day on his phone, on the internet, looking at other women.

And figuring out how to hide this from you, but yet, he can't spend hours every day looking for therapy and resources to get help.  You are not his mother and he is not your child. Women need to stop thinking they can fix someone or heal someone or love them more when you should actually be focusing on healing yourself.

So why do porn use and cheating qualify as emotional and psychological abuse? Well, aside from the examples I just gave, the nine examples, let's also dive into it more. So something that's really important to understand is that deception is the weapon. When someone hides their porn, use, or lies about cheating, it's a complete betrayal of trust.

Repetitive secrecy and dishonesty are manipulative tactics that cause confusion, self-doubt, and emotional instability in the betrayed partner, AKA U. In other words, deception is a form of psychological harm. When a partner hides porn use and repeatedly cheats, they're actively manipulating the truth on purpose. 

They know what they're doing and they still choose to do it, and that's not because you aren't enough or something is wrong with you.  This shows his character not your worth.  So this deception creates a false reality for the betrayed partner, which is extremely disorienting and very destabilizing.

The knowledge that you have about the relationship is very small compared to the knowledge that he has about the relationship. He knows the pain all of this would cause you, and he's still choosing to do it. He's still choosing to use deception. That's not love, that's abuse.

Another reason, going back to gaslighting and blame shifting, if you express discomfort or hurt and he responds with you are overreacting, it's not a big deal. You're crazy. You're controlling. You are insecure. None of my other girls cared about this.  This is like the most classical fucking emotional abuse possible because it shifts the blame onto you.

It distorts your sense of reality and makes you question your intuition, your boundaries, and your emotions. It leaves you thinking, okay, like maybe I am overreacting. Maybe it isn't that big a deal. Maybe I am being insecure. Maybe I am being controlling. Maybe I should be okay with it. Maybe I shouldn't make a big deal about it.

That's the whole purpose of it. And why he says that is to make you second guess yourself.  That's emotional abuse. 

Another reason is having this  repetitive harm,  whether that be the porn use,  actively cheating with other women having this repetitive harm without repair. This creates an abuse cycle, which we're about to dive in into a little bit. So one time harm can be a mistake if you are in a relationship and he's washing porn and you're like, oh wait, you watch porn.

I don't want you to do that. And he's like, oh, sorry. Didn't know you care.  Okay. It could be a mistake. Do I support it? Absolutely fucking not because they wouldn't be hiding it to begin with if they didn't think it was wrong, but a repeated harm where  you've already had this conversation. Once he did it again, you've already had this conversation

twice he did it again. Or you find out new information, or he continued to lie and didn't disclose all the information.  This is when we created an abuse cycle.  So repeated harm, especially when the partner refuses to take accountability or to truly, genuinely change, this moves into abuse territory. 

This is creating a pattern, not a one time act. This is their character. This is a pattern.  If you've asked for transparency, honesty, or monogamy, and he repeatedly breaks those agreements.  It's a form of control and disregard for your emotional safety.  Again, he knows what he's doing and he still chooses to actively do it.

He's not respecting your emotional safety and he's putting himself, he's putting his desire to lust  above your desire and worthiness and basic fucking minimum respect of wanting emotional safety in a relationship that is not okay, that he's putting his desire to lust over your mental health.  So now we're gonna talk about the abuse cycle. 

The abuse cycle. So this essentially will help  explain like why women feel stuck in relationships that are harmful and confusing. So it has four main phases. The first phase is what we call tension building. So you sense something is off, his energy kind of changes.

The betrayer might become distant, he might become cold, irritable, or secretive. Basically, you sense something is off, but you can't quite place it.  So the tension is building. Okay.  The second phase is the incident. So this is when the betrayal happens, whether that be you discovered he was watching porn again, you discovered that he was lying about something, not telling the full truth.

You discovered emotional affairs. He's acting out with other women, or there was emotional harm. Like he's blaming you, there's dismissal, he's withdrawing emotionally, or he's gaslighting.   So that's the incident basically like when you discover that something has happened again.  Then the next phase is reconciliation.

He apologizes, he denies it, or he minimizes it, or he promises to change. He's like, oh, I'm so sorry. This time is different. You're my best friend. I love you. I would never do anything to hurt you. I just slipped up. I had a moment of weakness. He comes up with an excuse. As to why it happened this time, and then he might involve love bombing or doing these grand gestures, sending you all , these texts, taking you on dates, writing you these loving cards, doing these things to be like, I love you.

You're my best friend. This won't happen again.  Or him even seeking temporary resources to show that he's going to change making appointments with therapists or doing like some type of spiritual manipulation.  So this is the reconciliation phase, and this temporarily soothes the pain. Making you think like, you know what, yes, this time is gonna be different.

He actually gets it this time. He's actually apologetic. He actually understands and things will be different.  So that's reconciliation. The fourth phase. This is when things are just calm. Things seem good again. You hope he's really changing. You are like, wow, it's different. He's going to therapy. He's doing better at expressing his emotions.

He isn't watching it. We are happy. The sex is great.  You  generally feel like, yes, this is it. This is it. We got it.  Your nervous system, relax.  Things seem like they're back to normal. You feel like you have that good, happy version of him, the version of the relationship that you wanted, like you're like, yes, this is it.

You're like, okay. The worst is behind us. We're moving forward. This is awesome. This is everything that I wanted  until the cycle begins again.  So you think that the worst is behind you. You think this time is different. You have that sense of hope. He's doing something different this time that makes you feel like, okay, yes, this is it.

This is the last time.  But in reality, the underlying dynamics haven't changed and the cycle is going to begin again, whether it's days, weeks, or months later.  So then we go back to that first phase of this cycle of, with the tension where you sense something is off, his energy changes. He might become distant, cold, irritable, or secretive.

You just feel like something's off, but you can't place it. Then we go back to the second phase of the incident where a betrayal happens, whether that was the porn use, cheating, emotional withdrawing, gaslighting. Then we go back to that third phase where he's apologizing. I'm sorry, I'll never do it. I promise I'll change.

This time is different. Please gimme one more chance, and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Fucking bullshit. But it temporarily soothes the pain because you want to believe that he would change. And then you get to that fourth stage, the calm stage where things feel good, you hope he's really changing your nervous system relax.

Things seem back to normal, but in reality, the underlying dynamics haven't changed and the cycle begins again days, weeks, months later. So do you see how this is an ongoing cycle where you think you hope it's gonna get better? You hope this is gonna be last time he does something different to prove to you that this is last time.

But it happens again,  so this cycle can go on for years, I have talked to so many women. This has gone on for decades,  and the issue is it gets more intense over time.  So emotional abuse, it doesn't always look like screaming or violent. It's often calm, strategic, and really fucking destabilizing.  It's deception, it's manipulation, it's gaslighting.

It's enough to make you feel like you're going crazy, and then you hold onto that hope that is going to change,   and then another fucking betrayal happens.

And this is why I'm a huge advocate. If he has already lied once, that's utterly fucked up. If he has the audacity to lie a second time,  mm, I don't see those men getting better.  But women try to hold onto the hope, be like, I can change him if I love him harder, or, oh, he had a bad childhood, so maybe that explains it. 

He's a grown ass adult who needs to take accountability for his actions and which then  leads us to a trauma bond. So a trauma bond is basically a really fucking powerful emotional attachment that's formed through these repeated cycles of harm and intermittent enforcement. So a trauma bond is formed through  this abuse cycle of being like, hmm.

You notice the tension, something's happening. Then there's the incident of the betrayal, and you go into reconciliation where he apologizes and promises everything will be better, and you have the state of calm where you feel the relationship is better. It's a cycle that just keeps going. So this is what then creates this trauma bond. 

And so trauma bonds are really, really common, especially in  these relationships where there's betrayal, abuse, or addiction.

When the betrayer also provides temporary comfort or love, and I say love and quotes because it's not true with love and kindness and promises after the hurt. So this person who you think is your source of love. Is actually your source of pain.  So let's dive into this more so how trauma bonds form. So as I was saying, the inconsistency.

Of this abuse cycle, the inconsistency of this relationship with betrayal, abuse, or addiction. This inconsistency creates confusion and longing. So one moment, he's loving, he's your best friend. Everything's perfect. Like, yes, we have the best relationship ever. And the next, he's lying, he's deceiving, he's gaslighting, he's manipulating. 

So the brain becomes addicted to the cycle of pain and relief, and it's basically becoming addicted to the highs and the lows of the relationship.  And when I say your brain becomes addicted, there's literally chemical reactions going on in your brain, which impact the dopamine, cortisol, and oxytocin, which all get involved when you have these high highs and low lows in the relationship. 

So essentially you start to associate pain with love and hope for the quote unquote good version of him to return the version of him before you discovered all the betrayal. That version of him doesn't exist. That version of him was lies, deception, controlling and manipulation. 

So now because of this inconsistency, your nervous system is in survival mode,  which makes it extremely hard to leave. When our nervous system is in survival mode, it's difficult for us to make decisions. It's difficult for us to feel confident. It's difficult for us to think rationally, and our body and brain's just focusing on surviving and getting through each day.

It's hard to think long term about the future. because our brain is like, whoa, whoa, whoa. I can't think about the future. I'm just in survival mode right now. So it's inconsistency is probably one of the worst fucking things to ever happen to your nervous system.  So then as a result, you the victim might blame yourself, rationalize the behavior and make up excuses for the behavior.

Or you might feel really intense guilt for wanting to go. And I hear so many women make up excuses to partner like, oh, he had a bad childhood, or, oh, he says this is the last time, or, oh, he just had a moment of weakness. Or they feel really intense guilt for leaving like,  oh, maybe this time would be better.

Oh, . He just lost his job. Or, oh, whatever.  I need to be with him. Oh, he doesn't have anyone else.  With all due respect, you are not a professionally licensed therapist. You will not be the one to save him, nor can you save him. He needs to go work with a professional and he  shouldn't be in a relationship if he's unwilling to be honest with you. 

If he's continuing to repeatedly lie to you after he has seen the pain, it causes you after you have cried in his arms multiple times, just asking him to stop fucking watching porn or cheating,  and he still continues to do it.  He shouldn't be in a relationship. He needs to take time to go do that deep healing so he doesn't bring you down with him. 

Because this is going to impact your mental health for the years to come. If you do not get a hold of this  trauma bond are so hard to break and , we start to think that it's love. It's not love. It's a trauma bond. It's a cycle of emotional and psychological abuse.  And so it, a trauma bond is really hard to break because for one cognitive  dissonance, so basically you hold two completely conflicting beliefs. 

For example, one belief would be he loves me. The other example would be, he hurts me.  So your brain is trying to resolve the dissonance by justifying his abuse. Another one I hear a lot is, oh, but he's my best friend and we have so much fun together. Then the other opposing belief for cognitive dissonance is,

but he's lusting after other woman, and that really hurts me and causes me a lot of pain. So cognitive dissonance is such a mind fuck because you're holding the complete two opposite beliefs and your brain is trying to do this to justify the abuse.  and as I mentioned before, this relationship includes really high highs and low lows.

And what I mean when I say that is like, when things are good, they're fucking good. They're great. You are having so much fun together. You are best friends. You're like, he could never be the type of person to hurt me. He's treating me so well. Everything's great.  He's my soulmate. This is perfect. 

But then the low lows, they're low. You found out he betrayed, he lied. He was gaslighting. He was manipulating. There was another slip up.  he's giving the silent treatment.

He just feels like the complete opposite of the person, so that those are the high highs and the low lows that your brain becomes addicted to.   And this creates a chemical reaction to the cycle, which impacts your dopamine, your cortisol, and your oxytocin, , which basically all your feel good chemicals. 

Another reason it's hard to break comes down to hope. Boom, my voice squeaked a little bit, comes down to hope and potential.  You might see his potential. You might remember the good times. You might remember what the relationship was like when you guys first met, or you might believe his promises. You may feel responsible for his healing or belief

maybe it'll get better. This must be the last time something's going to change. This is one of the biggest reasons I see women stay you hold onto his potential. His potential doesn't exist. I'm gonna hold your hand when I say that his potential is just what you would do if you were in that situation.

People, men show us who they are, but we try to be like, oh no, I can fix him. He'll change. Maybe I could just love him harder. It will work. Or you make up excuses for him based on his childhood.  These are the mindsets that will keep you stuck in these emotional abuse cycles and trauma bonds for years and decades.

This is what I continuously hear from women, is you're holding onto that sense of hope and potential, and I get it. I was.  I did it and it fucking sucked because you see how good this person is. You see how much fun you have together when things are good, but you can't look at the relationship with these rose colored glasses, you have to look at the full relationship and this full person.

Another reason it's really hard to break is this fear of being alone. Emotional abuse often will destroy your self-esteem. It will make you feel unworthy of love or unable to survive without him. Or you'll think like, oh, everyone does this in a relationship, so maybe I should just put up with it because what if I date someone else and he does it again?

That's not normal in relationships.

 And even if it was normal in relationships  relationship, it's safer.  And a happier choice for you to be alone. Create strong friendships with women. Create a strong whole  support system. Prioritize and create your hobbies, your wellbeing, your mental health, your physical health, a career, a side hustle, your children.

If you have one, then it is for you to stay in an emotionally and psychologically abusive relationship. You will be happier being alone than being lonely in a relationship with the wrong person.   Being alone is short-term pain for long-term gain.  Where staying in.

The relationship with the wrong person is short-term gain for long-term pain.  I receive dms from women, married women every week saying You need to tell women to leave their relationship, because I have been doing this for 5, 10, 15 years and I am stuck in the cycle and it's not gotten better, and I have so much love and just condolences for women who are in that relationship. 

But I also want to remind women it is never too late to leave. How many chances are you going to give this person? How many sleepless nights are you going to have?  Trauma bonds, emotional abuse cycles, they get more intense with time.  So how do you break a trauma bond? I always have women DM me questions like this, like it's a trauma bond.

How do I break it? First things first. Name it.  Gain awareness.  Understanding the trauma bond is literally the first step. You have to become aware of it and become aware of this emotional abuse cycle to realize and recognize the patterns. This is why journaling is so powerful, and I encourage every woman to do that after every fight, or even if you already left the relationship journal about the fight.

So you can pick up on these patterns like, oh, that was the abuse cycle.  And I also have women be like, how do I break it? And I think a lot of women think, I'm gonna give this like.  Framework or strategy of like X, Y, Z, do all this.  But in all reality, the fact that you recognize that it's a trauma bond or an emotional abuse cycle,  that's when you leave.

That's when you get the fuck out of there. It's always going to feel scary to leave. It's never going to feel like the right time. Your brain is always going to want you to stay in this comfortable hell. Instead of leaving to go to an unknown, quote unquote, hell, your brain will consume. Your brain prefers the known pain over unknown pain, but in reality, the unknown, quote unquote, pain is where hope and laughter and happiness and change and empowerment and evolving and growing as a person lay.

At one point, you just have to say, fuck this, and I'm out. And it's scary. It's terrifying. It's not like you can take like step one, step two, step three, step four. Okay. I'm ready to leave. You just had to pull the plug and Yeah, it's fucking scary. But I had never, ever met a woman who has left and has been away from him, no contact for over a year, and regrets her decision ever. 

What I hear from most women say is, I wish I would have left earlier. I didn't know life was going to start to feel so peaceful and fun and happy again. That's why I'm such a proponent on leaving the relationship now. I have been doing this for a while. My dms are always filled of the women who left who are just like, thank you so much.

I left and it feels great.

Compared to the woman who stay and they're like, we're working with another couple's counselor. , we're doing another therapy, we're trying a new program. It just like goes on for years

and I don't encourage that ' cause I know how life good life can get when you don't have someone emotionally and psychologically abusing you.  So that was a bit of a tangent, but going back to how we break trauma bonds. So again, name it, education and awareness. Recognize that you're in it. Great. Realize it.

Step one, done complete. Another thing you can do is get really good at holding boundaries and space for yourself. I always recommend women to leave their partner, even if it's just a temporary separation.

You cannot heal or think clearly in the same environment that broke you. If you keep going back to him for comfort after he causes you pain, if there's another betrayal and you go to him and he's hugging you and you're crying, you're like, I can't do this anymore.

He's like, I'm sorry,  I'll change. I love you. That's reinforcing the trauma bond. He can't be the person to comfort you and love you. You think he's the source of your love, but in reality, he's the source of your pain. Another thing to do to break the trauma bond, which is my number one recommendation for whether you're healing relief for fucking anything

when it comes to betrayal, is regulating your fucking nervous system, doing breathwork, somatics meditation, grounding practices like yoga, stretching, yoga nidra. This is the number one thing you need. Need, need, need, need, need to do, and I cannot recommend it enough.

It's borderline impossible to heal without learning how to regulate your nervous system. Your nervous system  controls your thoughts, feelings, and emotions. So think about every time you're triggered, every time you have an overwhelming emotion, every time you're overthinking, that is your nervous system.

So the key is healing our nervous system at the root and learning how to regulate it, and that is the entire reason my Betrayal Survival Guide course revolves around nervous system regulation.

Another thing you can do to start breaking the trauma bond is focusing on the support system. This can look like doing trauma informed coaching or therapy joining support groups, and I can't recommend how important it is to work with a professional therapist or coach who is trained specifically in trauma.

There are so many coaches  out there, but you need to ask them to make sure they have a certification specifically for trauma. I have one myself, and I have heard nightmare stories of women who go to coaches who are in the betrayal space, but they don't have a training specifically in trauma.

It is so important for the coach or therapist to know how to work around trauma. 

And when you're creating a support system, you need to stop revolving your life around him. You need to create a life outside of your partner. Most women stay because their life revolves around him and they don't have a strong support system of other single women or hobbies and activities they find meaning and fulfillment in.

And if you're like, I don't have any strong woman friendships. Go on Bumble, BF F,  and some people are like, oh, I'm gonna, I can't go  on an app to find friends,  but you'll go on an app to date. Go on Bumble, BF. You need to create strong friendships with women, with girls. Girls who will hold you accountable for how he's treating you.

If you're having conversations with friends or family and you find yourself not telling them information about what he's doing or how he's treating you because you know it's bad,  that is such a red flag to leave. You need to have friends, family support system who hold you accountable because they see your worth during these times when you are not able to see your worth because you have been emotionally and psychologically abused, whereas eroded your self-esteem.

And so another thing to start breaking this trauma bond is really focusing on inner work. I've said therapy, coaching, nervous and regulation, but also just rebuilding your identity. Like who the fuck are you outside of this relationship, outside of being a girlfriend, fiance, wife, mother?  Who are you? What hobbies, activities, what lights you up?

 What is this world that you can create and focus on building yourself. Trust your intuition, and a lot of that comes with nervous and regulation and learning how to do emotional regulation. You need to replace this trauma bond, this need and validation of someone else with self-trust and self-confidence. 

You need to build a really secure connection with yourself, the universe, God, or whatever higher power you believe in, you need to stop orbiting your life around this one person and start to create and expand and grow your world.

So even if there's no physical abuse in a relationship. These patterns from porn use and cheating the patterns of secrecy, deception, gaslighting, and emotional abandonment that come with the hidden porn use and infidelity can mirror the abuse cycle and create trauma bonds. It is chronic deception and betrayal.

They got into this relationship with you by deceiving and betraying you the entire relationship.  This isn't like it's a one time mistake. They were hiding the porn and cheating because they know it's wrong, but they chose to do it anyway. They chose to  put their experience over your experience and disrespect you.

It's a pattern of control and manipulation.  The cycle goes, you feel unsafe, and then he minimizes it. You catch him again, but he swears he will change. He's sweet for a while, and you feel relief. Then the secrecy starts again. It's a cycle. Recognize it so you could feel empowered to break it because you deserve so much better. 

This leaves you the betrayed partner, feeling crazy, like you're not enough, or like you're responsible for the behavior. So then you stay  and it triggers a trauma bond, especially when the betrayal shows affection or remo after each betrayal. So these patterns completely erode your sense of reality and it traps you in a cycle of hope and hurt, which is exactly how emotional and psychological abuse works.

So even if society downplays porn use as quote unquote normal or  just what guys do.  When it's done secretly, repetitively, or in a way that violates your agreements or your boundaries or what you want in your relationship, it becomes a form of emotional and psychological abuse, especially because it breaks the very foundation of trust and safety.

You cannot have a relationship without trust and safety.

And all of this is a huge reason why I create my Betrayal Survival Guide course 'cause I understand how easy it is to get stuck in this relationship or feel like you're trapped or hold onto that sense of hope.  But in reality, it just become self betrayal. People show us who they are, but we try to be like, oh no, I can change your world.

This time is different. . Past behavior predicts future behavior.  How many chances are you going to give someone when they continuously lie to you? Women deserve so much better. That's why I wanted to create my Betrayal Survival Guide Course.  So women could feel empowered so they could tap back into their self love so they could learn how to create a life beyond this one partner.

So they feel confident so that they can look back at this betrayal and be like, I'm so thankful I left because it has helped me grow and evolve my life in ways I never thought was possible.  And I think that's why I'm getting more comfortable using my voice saying.

It is safer to leave him because I see all these women have these tremendous success stories who leave, and of course it's going to be painful when you leave because you essentially have to learn how to be single. You have to grieve and mourn the relationship. You grieve even more in the future you thought you had.

But it is temporary. It doesn't last forever. Whereas if you stay in the relationship, I just hear so many stories of women who are in it for years and years and years.

I've seen firsthand how amazing life becomes for women when they leave and we just laugh. 'cause we're like, why the fuck didn't we leave earlier? You look at your ex in this whole new light where you're just like you. I was hung up on you. I was crying over you. When I could have been creating my life, my vision for my future, feeling empowered, learning how to love myself  when I could have been doing all of that this time, but instead I was crying over you  like  it. 

It is the best feeling. It's so freeing and liberating to be like I got out of that cycle. It is such a good feeling, and I want this for every woman,   and that's why I feel so passionate about doing my one-on-one coaching with women.

So we can just literally work through. What you're going through every single week and help you overcome and evolve every single obstacle so you can look back on this and be like, wow, I'm so thankful I embarked on this healing journey and focus on myself because I am the motherfucking best version of me that I have ever been, and I feel so good about it.

 I know how good life can get, and  I've been in the pains of betrayal. I've been in the trenches. I've been diagnosed with PTSD. I had daily panic attacks. I cried myself to sleep. I was traumatized. I was homeless. I was jobless like I've been there and I understand how crappy it is. But I also understand how good it can get and the hope and the love and the friendships and the careers and the mental health and the physical health and the side hustle is like everything that you can improve by focusing that time and energy on yourself instead of foking your time and energy on hoping someone will change.

We can't control or influence someone to change. That's up to them. And it's not a reflection of your worth if they don't change. This is a reflection of their character, which is not tied to your worth,  your worth, your sense of self. Your worth is low because of this person, because of what they're doing to you.

Then when you escape that, when you escape the emotional abuse the psychological abuse, and you find the right healing tools, working with a professional,  whatever it is, that's when you're just like, oh my gosh, why the fuck did I stay? Life is so good. It's so good and peaceful and happy and just, oh my gosh, I could talk about this for so long, so I'm gonna wrap it up here. 

 If you're interested in my Betrayal Survival Guide course to help you feel empowered, self-love, heal, process, and go through all the feelings that you need to do and learn how to regulate your nervous system, which again, is mandatory for long-term healing. The information for that is my show notes, and I also offer one-on-one coaching with women where you can just apply again that to my show notes too. 

Okay, that's all I have for today. Again, if you haven't joined my free support group, that's in my show notes as well for women, and if you haven't rated this podcast, that would be so helpful for you to do just so  the algorithm pushes it out to more women so that they know help is available so they don't have to go through this alone because going through this alone is.

A fucking prison sentence. It, it sucks. No, no woman should have to go through that. Alright, thank you. I love you all so much and I'm really excited to see any of you who are in the support group on our weekly Wednesday calls. I love getting to connect with you all face to face.

And seeing how kind and loving you guys are to one another, it is Ah, it is so beautiful. I love women empowering women. All right, that's all. Love from Australia. Bye.