WTF Do I Do Now?

42. How to Navigate the In Between Phase After the Relationship Ends

• Mandy | Betrayal, Break Up & Empowerment Life Coach • Episode 42

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Let's transform your life after discovering his betrayal


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  Okay. Okay. Okay. Welcome back to another episode. So today I wanna talk about how to move forward with life, how to navigate this in between phase, you left the relationship. You're not with him anymore. You're probably feeling a little stuck. You're probably feeling like your life just fucking blew up into a million pieces because it did.

So you were totally justified for thinking that, and you're probably not sure, like, how do I, what's the next step? What the fuck do I do now? How do I move forward? So that's what I wanna talk about. I think I might go on tangents about other things. I don't really know. I'm just speaking from the heart and seeing what comes up today.

We're gonna talk about how to create a life that feels fucking good after you left the relationship, after his betrayal, after his cheating, after him hiding his secret life, whatever the fuck it was. I am so, so, so, so fucking proud of you for leaving. There are no words to describe how scary and painful and uncomfortable it is to leave and to heal and to now be on your own is hard.

It sucks. I've been through it. I get it. But I want you to know it is 100% worth it.



And before we dive into the episode, if you haven't already, if you could rate and subscribe the podcast, that would be so helpful just because that's the only way the algorithm pushes us out to other women who are looking for help after leaving cheater. And I want every woman to know that she's not alone in this, and that there is resources and community to help.

Also, I am launching my brand new private membership on June 24th, which I'm so fucking excited for it's exclusively just for women who left the relationship

and I am not releasing a lot of the information out to the public. So if you're curious or want to learn more, check out the link in my show notes and you can sign up for the wait list, and that's where you'll receive all the information, discounts, exclusive per et cetera. That will not be available to post, but I'm so fucking excited for this.

And also if you're ever looking for one-on-one support, I have a link in my bio for my four month coaching application. So you can fill that out and I'll reach out to you. Or if you're just looking for a one time call, I also have a link to book a one time call with me as well.

So just want you to know there are resources available. I would love to connect and help you move through whatever the fuck you're moving through, because you deserve better than whatever the hell he put you through.

Okay, so let's dive in about how to move forward, how to create this life, how to create this life that feels good. 'cause I know myself and many women who come to me, like our relationship, our person, that was pretty much our identity. I can speak for myself and the other women I've talked to. Of course, I cannot speak on behalf of either every woman.

We spent most of our time with our partner, we thought we were going to spend forever with him. We never thought we'd have to be single. We never thought we'd have to go dating again. This was our life. This was our future. This was everything for us. And now you take that away and it's like, fuck, who am I?

, What the fuck do I do now? One, how do I get outta this pain? Two, how do I move forward? Three. Am I ever going to fucking feel good again? It is hard healing. I'd be lying if I said healing alone. Healing after leaving the relationship is easy. It is really fucking hard, and you have to get comfortable being alone.

And I think that's an issue that I see. I don't even know if issue is the right word, but something I see a lot of women who leave the relationship, they jump right into dating, they go right into dating apps. They're seeking for that companionship, for that validation. They can't be alone

and that's a huge issue and a huge red flag because you're not going to unlearn everything you experienced. You're not going to shed the parts to you that tolerated his disrespect, that dismissed your gut intuition when he was being secretive with his phone or. When you're second guessing his questionable excuses or his questionable stories, you're just going to jump right into another relationship with another guy who's wearing a similar mask.

And I see this happen all the time, like months or years down the road. They're like, fuck that guy was doing the same thing. 'cause you didn't learn how to love yourself or respect yourself or build your self worth and your self-confidence so that you would walk away at those small signs of disrespect.

'cause those small signs of disrespect always lead into bigger signs of disrespect.

So getting comfortable being alone after breakup is one of the most powerful things you can do. And of course, this depends on where you're at in your breakup journey. If you just left the relationship a few days ago, a few weeks ago, it's very normal for you to spend all your time with family, friends, fill your time as much as possible.

People around you who love you and support you and who can remind you of how fucking amazing you are. It's really, really important. Those first days, weeks after betrayal that you are filling your time up with friends, family support system who support you and respect you. Absolutely. But as you start to get a little bit farther in your healing journey, it's really important to spend a lot of time alone.

I spent so much time alone. 'cause you're essentially rebuilding a relationship with yourself. So think of it, how do we build a relationship with someone else? We spend time with them. We ask them questions to get to know them. We go do activities or hobbies or go to events with them. So that's the same way that you build a relationship with yourself, and the more you create and expand and deepen this relationship with yourself, your self love, your self worth, and your self-confidence going to increase.

But you're essentially working out a new muscle. You're strengthening a new muscle. It takes time. You're going to have to pick yourself up again and again and again, and again and again, and it will feel really fucking exhausting and it will feel lonely because you're in this really fucking powerful in between phase of your life.

You have outgrown your old life. You outgrew that relationship. You were probably the one doing a lot of the emotional work in the relationship. You were probably the one who lived a healthier lifestyle. You were probably one with more ambition, and he was holding you back. And the universe, God, whatever you believe in, was like, no.

That's not how you're supposed to be living this life. I have something better in store for you, but it's going to require you to let go of this relationship so that it makes room for more joy and happiness to come in. We have to let go of these things in the past that are holding us down, whether that be romantic relationships, friendships, family members, cities, jobs.

Unhealthy mindsets, limiting beliefs, unhealthy behaviors, anything that is holding us back. You have to let it go, and that is what this journey is going to become for you. You're essentially. You need to look around at your life and like, where are these areas that are holding me back and start to let them go.

And I'd be lying again if I said, it's easy. It's really fucking painful. It's so hard.

But when you're on the other side of it, like me, you're going to look back and be so thankful you chose this route because your new life is going to cost you your old one. You can't create this new life if you're still cleaning onto the old one. You can't go meet your absolute dream partner if you're still staying in contact with your ex.

You can't go advance in your career if you're still holding on to this toxic workplace. You can't go move to the city of your dreams. If you're staying in your small hometown and you're afraid to leave. You can't be surrounded by like-minded friends who love, support and cherish you. If you're holding onto friends who are talking shit about you behind your back, you can't create a life with creativity and passion and unleashing your creativity out on the world.

If you're too afraid to start your creative project or you're too afraid of wondering what people think, I want you to think of this journey as everything you're letting go is just making room for the best next thing, every ending is a beginning.

And when I was going through my betrayal journey, I talk about this a lot. All my friends were either living with their partners, married, engaged, having babies, and I, the year after my betrayal, I missed eight friends' weddings. I skipped their weddings. The first wedding I went to was two April, my 18.

The patrol was in April. The wedding was in June. June, okay. So whatever that time is, I get my period next week. So my brain isn't really working. So the first wedding I went to was like two, three months after my betrayal. I had the worst panic attack of my life. Okay? That's dramatic. Every panic attack is really bad.

But I had a really bad panic attack at my friend's wedding because I was surrounded by all of our friends, all of them, her relationships. All of them knew my ex, we were all friends with each other and I was the one single one. And I was like, oh my God, what did my life just become? I'm the one single one out of all my friends.

I have to go on dating apps. I have to date again. I can't believe he was doing that to me. And then also in the back of my mind, I would look at my friends like, oh well, like is he hiding a porn addiction? Is he cheated on her? 'cause it was such a trauma response being of this hypervigilant state of being like, well, if my ex did it, then these other guys must be doing it too.

And I was supposed to be at that wedding with him. We were supposed to go to like five weddings together that year. I skipped eight of my friend's weddings that year. 'cause I just knew I couldn't go to, it was too painful. It was too painful to be around. Love to see other people happy. I just did not have it in me 'cause I felt so robbed of the life that I was going to have.

And that was hard. And every time I'd be around these friends, I just thought of him because the only thing that was different in my life now was that he wasn't there. And it just always felt like I was just missing this piece of meat. And I realized like this isn't working. I can't keep orbiting around the same world, the same life that I had with him and expect myself to get better and expect myself to stop missing him.

I knew I had to start to make changes in my life. I knew I had to start getting comfortable being alone. I knew I had to start looking at, well, how do I actually move forward and how do I create this new life? And so one of the things I started doing was volunteering. I started volunteering at this nonprofit whose goal was to help make wellness and fitness activities more available to the public. They did yoga, breath work, meditation, spirituality, we would do disco sunsets on the beach. It was so fun. I just started going to that alone and I got really involved in it and I loved it because this was this community that I started to create that no one knew my ex.

No one even heard of him. And I started to create these new friendships and show up as this person of who I wanted to be instead of showing up as this version of who my friends had molded me into thinking who I was.

So if there's a cause that you care about, go volunteer and start meeting like-minded people who care about a cause too. And quite honestly, people who volunteer are just really fucking nice. So it's a really safe space to be.

So, think of a cause that you care about and make that a homework assignment for you to go volunteer at a new place.

And through that I started meeting all these like-minded people and meeting friends through them. It's like door after door, after door after door kept opening and I was like, holy shit. I had no idea this was possible. But of course when I was in it. It still felt really difficult, like I had to. I probably spent 80 to 90% of my time being alone after betrayal.

I'd say the first few weeks, first few months, I filled up my time as much as possible with friends. I would be planning events like weeks into the future. 'Cause I knew weekend nights, I knew I could not be alone yet. I was like, Nope, I'm just gonna be thinking about if he's out on a date with someone, what he's doing.

I was like, I just can't do that. So I would always make plans, whether it was just like sitting at a friend's house and watching movies, it was very chill. Stuff like that.

And if you're like, that's great, I don't have friends, I feel you. A lot of women coming out of betrayal don't have friends because they spent all their time and energy into this guy because he became their life. And quite honestly, oftentimes he starts to isolate you from your friends, or you spend all your time with his friends now.

So yeah, if you don't have friends, that's going to be a big

opportunity for you to make some new friends. Now, something else that I fully support is Bumble, BFF. It's great. You can go on there to meet other women. And I've said this before, if you're against Bumble BFF, but you support dating apps, no, no, that's, it's not right. Like you're willing to go meet a strange man from a dating app, but not go meet up with a potential new girlfriend who could open your life up to so many opportunities. I fully support Bumble BFF. Or are there hobbies and classes and workshops that you like to, whether it be cooking classes, workout classes, pottery, art, music, dancing, boxing, sports.

Joining a soccer or volleyball or basketball league, literally anything, what are the things that excite you? What are the things that you are like, yeah, my soul has always actually really enjoyed that, but maybe I just haven't had the time, or maybe I've been too afraid or maybe I don't know where to look to find these things.

Go on Eventbrite, Google places. Go on social media. Find content creators in your city.

One of the hardest parts of this healing journey is that you have to become the architect of your life. No one is going to do these things for you. Doors and opportunities aren't going to open up for you if you're not asking for them, if you're not searching for them. If you're not telling God in the universe, like, Hey, this is what I want, can you help me?

And yeah, it's hard and it feels uncomfortable, but growth only comes when we're feeling uncomfortable. Growth happens when we're pushing ourself out of our comfort zone.

Even when I think back to all the breakdowns that I was having after Betrayal, I viewed them as breakdowns, but really it's just a fucking breakthrough. You're realizing something, you're letting go of something. You're releasing pain. You're pushing yourself outta your comfort zone.

And this isn't something that just happens overnight. It's not like you're going to wake up one day and be like, oh my, I'm healed. I live this great life. I'm chasing my dreams, my creativity is flowing. I've never been more confident in my career. I have the best group of friends. My support system is so well-rounded.

It's not like you just wake up one day and that happens. Every theme is a stepping stone that just takes you closer and closer and closer to finding and creating yourself.

You're exercising and working out a new muscle, and this muscle is just teaching you how to become single again.

And it requires consistent effort. It's not something that you can just work on like a twice a week and expect things to get better. It'd be equivalent if you were trying to lose weight, and so you just go to the gym twice a week or only eat healthy twice a week. It becomes this new entire lifestyle that you have to pursue.

And no one's going to do it for you. No one's going to make you lose weight , if you're trying to lose weight, just like no one's going to make you heal from his betrayal. If you're trying to heal from betrayal, you have to be the one to show up for yourself, and that's how you start to strengthen and deepen and grow this relationship with yourself.

You have to be the one to pick you up to know that you're capable of picking yourself up. You have to be the one to calm you down when you wake up in the middle of the night with nightmares of the betrayal so that you know that you can calm yourself down throughout the day too.

You have to be the one going outta your way to create new friendships with like-minded people who support and cherish you and light you up.

So that you can trust the people around you.

And what I'm about to say might scare people, but you have to feel the uncomfortable emotions. You have to feel the sadness. You have to feel the grief. You have to mourn. You have to feel the anger. You have to have the meltdowns where you just let yourself cry because the feeling that is what's going to ignite you to make change if you just keep running away from the pain, from the sadness, from the grief, and distracting yourself with social media or dating apps or eating.

Or drinking or smoking. If you just keep running away from it, it's going to find you no matter what. And the more you keep running away from it, it's not going to entice you to actually make a change in your life. 'cause you're just using all these fucked up coping mechanisms. But when you allow yourself to just sit in the fucking pain and the grief and the sadness you are going to get so sick and fed up of with it, you can be like, fuck, I have to make changes in my life.

No one is coming to save me and I have to be that person to save me. And that is where all of this transformation lies.

And I've spoken to so many women where they're like, I don't even know. What I want my dream life to look like because I'm just in so much pain right now. I get you. I feel you. I was there and the way you get outta the pain is you start to is by bringing good stuff into your life

and that good stuff varies for every person. It could be going on walks, journaling, starting those new hobbies, trying those new classes, meeting new friends. Catching up with all friends, sending a friend for like, all these little things that just make a list of everything that you have ever wanted to try and everything that makes you feel good.

Take a photo on your phone and daily work towards that list. You are not going to feel good if you keep researching betrayal. If all the content creators you listen to talk about betrayal. If you are listening to a podcasts about betrayal, if you are reading books about betrayal, you're not going to feel good 'cause you're just taking in so much negative

content. That's where I try to make my content, not just about betrayal and not about why he did it or porn addicts anymore, because I want women to focus on their fucking selves instead. ' cause that is where the healing happens. I want you to get so selfish and take up so much fucking space that it makes other people feel uncomfortable

I want you to be like, I'm fucking taking control of my life.

And I'm going to have such a glow up

that I don't miss the life that I had with him. But no one's gonna come do that work for you. You have to do it for yourself. And that's really where I see the biggest gap between women who. Stay in the pain versus women who overcome it. The women who overcome it, they have this growth mindset where they know that they have to be the one to show up for themselves, where they're consistently putting themselves out their time after time after time again, and picking themselves up time after time, after time again.

And they're making progress. They're moving forward, they're trying new things, they're meeting new people, and they're seeing that there's more to life than this chapter of betrayal. And I know you are that woman because you're listening to this, and it's okay to be scared and to have fears come in while you're creating this new life.

It's uncomfortable. But remember, growth happens outside of our comfort zone.

Breakdowns are good because it's your body being like. Fuck, I don't deserve this. I deserve better. I can't believe someone treated me like that. I have to make a change now. I have to do something different so that this doesn't happen again. I have to learn to love and respect and value myself so much that I never give a man this power over me where I look the other way at his small acts of disrespect.

'cause that always leads to bigger acts of disrespect.

And just know that this period. Is going to feel fucking uncomfortable. And that's good. That's normal, and that's healthy. 'cause it means you're stepping outta your comfort zone.

If things felt easy right now, that would be a little bit weird because this version of you in this lifetime has never had to go through this before.

But the way you build that self confidence, the way you build that self trust is by going out of your comfort zone and being like, Hey, you know what? I got me. I can do this.

I look at my life now, I have made so many dramatic changes. I sold everything that I own to become a digital nomad. I've traveled to six countries alone. I moved to Australia completely alone without knowing anyone . I changed my careers and started two businesses instead. Those are all really big life changes, but those all happen by doing really small changes after betrayal and moving to a country alone, I didn't just wake up one day.

I'm like, yep, I'm ready to move to a new country. I did a lot of small steps that built up courage over time and time and time, and then I was like, Hey, you know what? Maybe I'll move to Australia. And that happened by starting out, by me going to a social event alone, me going to a volunteer opportunity alone and putting myself out there and meeting new people.

So these baby steps that you're taking, they might feel baby, they might feel really big. To me, when I went to a volunteer opportunity alone, that felt huge to me. So it's like, what if I just stand there awkwardly and no one talks to me? What if I don't meet anyone? What if, what if? What if?

There's so much anxiety around it. And yeah, maybe you will go to an event and you just stand there awkwardly alone. So what's the worst thing that can happen? You're just standing there awkwardly alone. Once it happens to, you're kind of like, yeah, this is awkward in the moment. And I feel really weird.

I feel like a loser. But you can't die from it. Like nothing can happen. Just go to the bathroom and come back or see if there's something else to do, you know? But what if you go to this event alone and you meet a new girlfriend and you guys become BFFs and she introduces you to this whole new world, this whole new lifestyle.

This whole new job opportunity. You never know.

And even for me going on my first solo trip internationally, that didn't happen. I didn't just wake up one day and be like, oh, I'm gonna go on a solo trip internationally. I went on my first solo trip domestically within the state. It's,

and I was like, oh, you know what? This is cool. It was like really uncomfortable at first. And solo travel was actually really, really hard because you are stuck with your mind 24 7. You don't have anything to distract yourself with. , Yes, you can go travel and explore and do things, but you're still stuck with your mind.

You can't escape your mind. And so if you really wanna get comfortable being alone, go travel alone and that will push you to your fucking limit. I actually had a girl ask me once, do you feel like by you moving or traveling, that you're escaping life? No. I'm fully embracing life. When you're on the other side of the world, away from your family and friends, you don't have anyone you can talk to, you don't have anyone you can just call up to go hang out with.

You're literally alone sometimes for days on end with your thoughts. You have to learn how to love and create a fun time with yourself and how to love yourself and how to ease your thoughts. It's a lot of work and it gets really lonely at times. You have to get used to that. But had I not gone through all that, had I not gone on my first trip within the states alone, I would've never gone on my first.

Trip internationally alone, which led to five more trips internationally alone, which led to me eventually moving to a different country. It's all steps, and this is what this journey is. The whole purpose isn't to get from point A to point B, point A being where you're now and point B being like.

Waking up feeling fully fucking healed and not even thinking about your ex. The point isn't to just jump ships from A to B right away. The point is everything you're going to learn in between the lessons, the journeys, the people, the adventures, that is what's going to create and mold you into this next version of yourself.

This is the in-between phase. You've outgrown your old life. You haven't created your new life yet. Life just gave you this blank canvas and you get to create whatever the fuck you want. And that feels overwhelming. That feels scary. Your nervous system, your brain is like, ah, there's so much uncertainty. I don't know if things are gonna work out for me.

And that's okay. That's normal. That's human. I had so much doubt, so much fear, so much pain while I was going through my in-between phase. In fact, I still feel like I'm in my in-between phase 'cause I don't feel like you ever fully stop growing and evolving as a person. I want to learn and explore and see all there is to this life.

I'm that we're just gonna settle and stop wanting to learn and explore.

But I have reached the phase of my journey where I look back at who I was during the betrayal, who I was after, the betrayal, and who I am now, and they feel like three completely different people. Of course, my values and my characteristics, that's always been the same, but it feels different in terms of the new knowledge I have, the new experience I have, the new adventures, I have the new friends, I have the new hobbies, the new activities.

It's always evolved and it's. Always growing and that's what's so beautiful after betrayal. 'cause you look back and you are like, Hmm, that life I had with him feels so small and outdated. And it wasn't even a true reflection of what I truly want in life. But I see so many people hold on to the last relationship and I did this myself because that's what felt safe and that felt like the love of your life. I now know he was not the love of my life ever. And I know every woman who has been betrayed by someone that's not the love of their life either, because love doesn't do that. That's a abuse, that's control, that's manipulation, that's lying.

That's a man not respecting women. It's misogyny.

And I know I had to let go of him. So that I can create the love of my life, which is me, and then also meet the love of my life dream partner.

Even if I were to meet my ex now and I didn't know him, like we didn't go through our past. Experience . If I were to just meet him on a dating app or in person and he was hitting on me, I wouldn't even be interested in him because the lifestyle that he had does not match the lifestyle that I want for myself and the lifestyle that I've created for myself.

And that feels so empowering to be like, even if it wasn't for the betrayal, I wouldn't wanna be with him because he does not meet my standards. Even if it wasn't for his addiction, even if it wasn't for the cheating, he still does not meet my standards based on his lifestyle and his characteristics and his goals in life.

And that feels fucking good

because now I know when I call in my next partner, he's going to match me on that level and our relationship is going to be even that much better.

When I was dating my ex on nights, we would cook dinner, we would drink wine, and we watch some like shitty ass reality my daily routine was I'd wake up and go to yoga. I'd come home and work, we'd make dinner, we'd take the dog out, we'd drink wine and watch shitty reality tv. Now that sounds like my fucking personal hell. That sounds miserable. I don't even do that One day of the week now.

It's so rare of me to watch TV two nights in a row, but it's unheard of. I wanna read, I want to go connect with friends. I wanna go spend as much time outside of nature as I can. I wanna go take classes or workshops

Or I just wanna do yoga at home and do a relaxing again, yoga.

The new life you want is going to cost you your old life. And it's okay if that feels scary 'cause it's not an overnight thing. You're going to do it in baby steps and baby steps and eventually you're just gonna look back like, damn, I'm doing it. And it feels so, so good.

But during this in-between phase, just give yourself compassion and grace.

And take up fucking space. Put yourself first before anyone and anything else. Nothing is more important than your mental health.

And I feel like, okay, yes. This is motivating. Great, I'm so glad. If you left and you're looking for a membership, a close community of like-minded women, and you want the daily lessons. You want the tools, you want, the strategies you want, the worksheets, you want the actual shit to make you move forward. Sign up for that wait list.

You're not agreeing to join it by sign up for the wait list, but it's just gonna give you access to all the information about it that's not available to the public, and I am so, so excited. For this wait list. And if you don't feel called to join it, then don't. But I know the women who join it, they're joining because they feel called.

And because of that, we are going to have such a tight knit community of women healing and supporting and empowering one another. And I'll be giving you the tools, we'll be doing coaching calls. It'll be, oh gosh, I'm so, so, so, so excited. And I only want the women who feel called to do it, to be honest.

'cause I want this to be such a sanctuary of a place for women. So if you're curious , check out the link in my show notes and you can sign up for the wait list, and that's where you'll receive all the information, discounts, exclusive per et cetera. 

Okay, so that's all I have for today before I hop off, reminder that you are strong, intelligent, creative, resourceful, beautiful inside and out. You are fucking amazing. You are a goddess. You deserve so much more than what he has put you through. Healing is 100% possible. It's okay to need help. It's normal to need help.

It's encouraged to seek help. You are not alone in this, and this betrayal can be become the best fucking thing that ever happened to you.

Alright, I love you so much. Bye.