Episode 34 - Kirsten Robinson: Cancer's Unexpected Gift

What happens when you're told your diagnosis is terminal, but something inside refuses to accept that timeline? In this deeply moving conversation, Kirsten shares her extraordinary journey with stage four metastatic melanoma, diagnosed just days before New Year's Eve in 2023. 

As a seemingly healthy 37-year-old homeschooling mother of two running a successful cake decorating business, Kirsten's world transformed when unexplained pain led to the discovery of tumours in her spine and hip. Rather than succumbing to fear, she made a conscious decision to approach her diagnosis differently. "I'm not going to fight this," she reveals. "I'm going to learn to love myself through this."

Kirsten's story challenges conventional approaches to cancer treatment as she navigates both Western medicine and holistic healing modalities. From initially declining immunotherapy to eventually incorporating it alongside naturopathy, energy healing, and spiritual practices, her journey illuminates the power of an integrative approach. Through spinal surgery, hip replacement and periods of extreme pain and weight loss, Kirsten maintained an unwavering belief in her body's ability to heal.

Perhaps most poignant is how Kirsten balanced motherhood with her health crisis, protecting her children from her diagnosis while ensuring they could still experience childhood joy. Her account of community support, from her husband who told her "this is your time to heal" without guilt, to friends who sat with her in bed while she rested, showcases how crucial loving connections are in the healing journey.

Through plant medicine experiences, meditation and a profound practice of gratitude, Kirsten discovered her higher self and the wisdom that comes from facing mortality directly. "From the moment we're born, we are all terminal," she reflects, a perspective that freed her from the burden of an imposed timeline and allowed her to focus on healing moment by moment.

Listen in as Kirsten shares how learning to receive help after a lifetime of giving became one of her greatest lessons and how seeing her diagnosis as happening for her rather than to her transformed a medical crisis into a profound spiritual awakening.

You can connect with Kirsten here

Chapters

• 0:00 Introduction to Everyday Warriors
• 3:31 Stage 4 Melanoma Diagnosis
• 9:24 Choosing a Healing Path
• 15:38 Pain, Surgery and Treatment Decisions
• 28:24 Motherhood Through Terminal Illness
• 38:45 Support, Self-Love and Spiritual Growth
• 45:12 Gratitude and Higher Self

Transcript

Trudie : 0:01

Welcome to the Everyday Warriors podcast, the perfect space to speak my truth and dive into deep conversations with others. This podcast is about celebrating everyday warriors, the people who face life's challenges head on, breaking through obstacles to build resilience, strength and courage. Join me, your host, trudy Marie, as I sit down with inspiring individuals who have fought their own battles and emerged stronger, sharing raw, real and authentic stories in a safe space, allowing you to explore, question and find your own path to new possibilities. Let us all embrace the warrior within and realise that, while no one is walking in your shoes, others are on this same path, journeying through life together. Please note that the following podcast may contain discussions or topics that could be triggering or distressing for some listeners. I aim to provide informative and supportive content, but understand that certain things may evoke strong emotions or memories. If you find yourself feeling overwhelmed or in need of support while listening, I encourage you to pause the podcast and take a break. Remember that it is okay to prioritize your well-being and seek assistance from trained professionals. There is no shame in this. In fact, it is the first brave step to healing. If you require immediate support, please consider reaching out to Lifeline on 13, 11, 14 or a crisis intervention service in your area. Thank you for listening and please take care of yourself as you engage with the content of this podcast.

Trudie : 2:01

Love the Everyday Worriers podcast. It would mean the world to me if you were to leave a five-star review to ensure that the Everyday Warriors podcast is heard by more listeners around the world. You can also support the show for as little as $5 with a one-time donation or by becoming a monthly subscriber. Your contribution helps me to continue bringing you inspiring stories of everyday warriors who overcome challenges to find strength, resilience and new possibilities in life. Head to the link to buy me a coffee and fuel the next episode. Every bit counts. Every bit counts.

Trudie : 2:46

If you're looking for an inspiring story of resilience, healing and rediscovering yourself, then my book Everyday Warrior From Frontline to Freedom is for you. It is my memoir of hiking the 1,000 kilometre Bibbulmun Track, a journey that was as much about finding my way back to myself as it was about conquering the trail through the highs and lows and everything in between. This book is taken from my journals and is my raw and honest experience of overcoming trauma and embracing the strength within. Grab your copy now. Just head to the link in the show notes and let's take this journey together. Welcome to another episode of the Everyday Warriors podcast, and today I am here with an amazing woman who is from Queensland. She is the mum of two and we met online through an online community. So today I would like to welcome Kirsten to the podcast.

Kirsten: 3:53

Thank you, thanks for having me.

Trudie : 3:55

You're so welcome and you have an amazing story to share with the listeners, and I would like to start by taking you back to 2023 2023, because I think, from what we've discussed, this is where your story really begins.

Kirsten: 4:12

So 2023, in December I was after eight months of trying to work out what was wrong with me. I was diagnosed with stage four terminal still gets me teary metastatic melanoma. So I had tumour in my spine and in my hip. Yes, I was diagnosed a couple of days before New Year's Eve, on 2023. Big shock to the system. You know, I was considered a pretty healthy person. I was homeschooling my two children at the time and running a cake and cookie decorating business, which I've been doing for since, before my daughter was born and she's nine. So you know, fit and healthy, climbing trees with my kids, rollerblading, running around, doing all the things to all of a sudden having pain that just wouldn't go away and then just declining over those eight months. Then I they couldn't find out was wrong. I ended up getting admitted to hospital to have further testing and they ended up having to do a bone biopsy to find out what it was because just nothing was showing up.

Trudie : 5:32

Wow, I'm just imagining you've got two small children, you've just had Christmas, you're in that holiday, summer season, but you're in intense pain and then you finally get this diagnosis, when they didn't know what was wrong. Like what was that actually like for you, just hearing that news?

Kirsten: 5:54

I feel like that stage is a bit of a blur. There was a shock, obviously, and I remember messaging my sister saying, fuck, like this is real. And she replied saying, yeah, it is, but I made the decision early on that I wasn't going to be fearful. I think back in 2020, during COVID, I made the same decision. You know, everyone was scared and worrying and I just I decided I don't want to be scared, I'm not going to be fearful of this virus. There's no way. That's no way to live. So I decided that I'd do the same thing now and, rather than thinking that this disease was angry and here to um ruin my life essentially it was it was like a wake-up call. I looked at it, as you know, why me? But not in the sense of oh, poor me. More like why me? Like what? What does this come to show me? What do I need to change? How can I, you know, how can I support myself through this?

Trudie : 7:10

and, yeah, I love that you've had this mindset that's relatively positive in the face of what you've gone through, that, like you said with COVID, you said, no, I'm not going to be scared and fearful. So I'm not going to be scared and fearful through this, but also that this wasn't just happening to you. It was happening to to you for a reason and it was up to you to find out and start living your life inside of that space. So, with that in mind, what was your process with treatment? Like, how did you move forward with that?

Kirsten: 7:50

So in the beginning I was totally against any Western medicine. I was really scared, actually, of that. That's something I was fearful of and that comes back to prior experiences with the medical system as a child. Through both of my pregnancies and then COVID, I'd lost a lot of faith in the medical system and for about six years, since my son was born, I've been going down the natural route to help heal my skin. I had really bad acne and rosacea, so I was working with a naturopath who's actually my sister to work on that. I had really bad sinus infections for years which would last over months, you know, months at a time, and I managed to clear all that. So I knew that I could heal. I knew that I could heal. But at the same time, cancer is a different thing, you know, and the way that we're spoken to about it and the way that the medical team speaks to you about it is just you don't have any hope. They don't give you hope, just the language that is used.

Trudie : 9:03

I can totally relate to that. My mum is a surviving breast cancer sufferer and my dad has had multiple brain tumours and yeah, looking at the Western medicine route and the way that they get diagnosed and the way they talk about treatment is it doesn't give you very much hope, it doesn't seem promising. And yet the big c word is so prevalent in our society. I don't think there is anybody in our modern society that hasn't been touched by that as a disease.

Kirsten: 9:45

Yeah, I heard a statistic the other day that I think 50 years ago it was one in 10 people who would have it. Now it's one in three. Well, you know we're spending more money on cures, but more people are getting it, whereas I feel we need to be looking at prevention rather than cure. 100, but hundred percent. But yeah, back to the treatment. They said terminal. So he used air quotes. He said we can't say, you know, we can't tell you that you can't get better from it, but they believe that I was terminal. I said I don't want any dates. Please don't tell me any time frame. That that doesn't help me at all, because then I'll just be focusing on that and every day will be like, oh, this could be my last, this could be my last, but I was looking at I'm healing, I'm looking forward to getting better from this, what can I do to get better? And their treatment option was immunotherapy, which is quite a new treatment for cancer. It's been showing good results in melanoma.

Kirsten: 10:53

But I had the year before I just lost a good friend and neighbor to bowel cancer. She'd been through chemotherapy, surgeries, everything, and I was just. I also lost my dad in 2019. He had lung cancer. My husband's dad passed away. He'd had chemotherapy, all the treatments.

Kirsten: 11:13

So for me, watching these people go through the treatment and not come out the other side, it was really. That was daunting. So I I declined the treatment, for then I said I'm not ready at the moment. I also did a plant medicine journey on my own and in that journey I saw three clocks on the wall and they were all sideways. I don't know why this makes me emotional, but it's something that gave me hope and in the moment I was like that's so weird, like why am I saying that? But then later on, when I was sort of processing all that I'd been shown and told to me that was time is on your side. You have time. There's no need to rush. You know, just take it easy and do things when it feels right for you and if it feels right for you.

Trudie : 12:06

I love that analogy. I love the fact that that was the message that you took from that and that, like you said, you weren't going to be focused on a date or a timeline. That doctors had said, like, if anything, you know your own body the best and you know what's going to work for you, what's not going to work for you, what's right for you, what's not right for you, and the fact that you were able to just trust yourself more than anything after watching all these other people like not win their battle, is that you were just able to go in there, you know, trusting yourself completely yeah, it's interesting you say there and I totally get a lot of people use this language.

Kirsten: 12:53

But from the very start I said to my sister I'm not going to fight this. It felt too heavy and for me it didn't sit good in my body. I said I'm going to learn to love myself through this. And another really amazing thing happened was when I did a plant medicine journey. My intention was show me what I need, how do I heal, and in that I was told that you need to love yourself. Because I didn't.

Kirsten: 13:22

And that exact same day I hadn't spoken to my sister. So that same morning, when I got that message in the afternoon, she messaged me and she sent me a link to this course, self Love School, and she said, hey, have you seen this? And I was like that's it, I have to do it. So I signed up then and there, knowing that that's what I needed and it's absolutely what I needed to do, and also learning to trust myself, because making all these big decisions for myself and going to all these appointments with oncologists and all of the doctors who know everything, everything, apparently it was really daunting to say, oh, I don't want to do that yet, or that's not for me or right now I want to try this so learning to trust myself and stand up for myself in those really hard situations. It was huge, but I did it. And, yeah, I'm quite proud of myself for finally learning to love myself and stand up for myself in probably the hardest time of my life.

Trudie : 14:26

And so you should be. I think it's such a proud moment to be in where it's literally like a me and them mentality. Is that, like you said, these doctors are supposed to know more than you and you're supposed to trust what they're telling you, and yet inside you're going going no, I want this for me and being able to stand up against them and say, no, I'm, I'm gonna do it my way and I'm gonna follow what I need to do. Kudos to you for having that courage, strength, bravery to do what's best for you in this healing journey.

Kirsten: 15:06

Yeah, it was. You know, I always said not now, like I never. I always say nothing's forever or I didn't want to rule it out altogether, but I just knew in that time I wanted to try everything else I could first. So I started working with two naturopaths actually so my sister's a naturopath but she put me on to another lady who specialises in cancer patients and just going to her, my first appointment with her and she said three words that just I clung on to Like. At the end of the appointment she looked at me and she said you have hope. And she said can I give you a hug? And she held me. And you don't get that in the Western system. It's so cold, it's so clinical, it's just so scary. So to have her say that to me just gave me hope. You know, it made me keep looking forward. And then just all the right people just sort of kept falling into my lap and coming around, like another lady put her hand up to offer a rifle machine which is an energy healing machine, shopper, that to me for free, gosh. Just so many people just, yeah, putting their hand up or saying, hey, have you tried this and that? And so I started doing all the things, and I was. You know one thing that was really crazy. I'm supposed to be sick, and it was the first time in my life that I actually had clear skin. Since I was 10 years old, everyone kept saying, oh my gosh, you're glowing, you're glowing, and you know that was due to all of the good things I was doing for my body. So I started a plant-based diet. I was on a bunch of different supplements and herbs and starting all the mindfulness and self-love and things like that. It was healing my body in other ways.

Kirsten: 17:03

I did get to a point, though, where I was in so much pain like I can't explain the pain, like it's worse than labor. I've had two vaginal births. One was induced, the other was all natural, but there are breeds walk in the park when I think about the pain from the tumor and I ended up in hospital um, in such pain. They were using fentanyl patches and everything. It just wasn't taking it away. So I ended up having radiation, which was advised by my naturopath to try it. He said it could. A lot of people have good experience taking away the pain. So that was done on my hip, and then I actually went in for spinal surgery after that. So my spine was at risk collapsing. One of the vertebrae was sort of eaten away from the tumor. So they put in two rods either side of my spine and I think there's about eight screws. So I had recovery from that and then, probably two months after that I ended up in hospital again in extreme pain with my hip, yeah. And then they did no my back. So then they did radiation.

Kirsten: 18:18

On that, looking back now, hindsight's great. I wish I didn't do radiation, because after that I just declined physically. I lost. I was about 60 kilos. I got down to 45 kilos. My hair was falling out, I was just skin and bone. When I looked at myself in the mirror I looked like an 80 year old woman. Know, my bum was gone, there was nothing left, no muscle, just all skin, couldn't eat. I just slept the days away and prior to that, even though I was in pain, I was eating, I was in a healthier state.

Kirsten: 18:58

And then, eight months after diagnosis is when I first started immunotherapy.

Kirsten: 19:01

And then, eight months after diagnosis is when I first started immunotherapy and I did, I think, six rounds of that every six weeks again. With doing that, that was me having to learn to trust myself and trust the medical system, that this was going to be okay for me and that it was the right time. And the reason I sort of accepted it in the end because it took me a long time was my neighbour and my friend who passed away. She wanted to be on the trial for the immunotherapy back when she was going through her journey and she wasn't accepted into that trial and I know she would have given anything to try it and I know she would have given anything to try it. So it kind of felt like in a way, I was doing it for her. Yeah, it was hard, but sort of knowing that it helped me. She also came through in one of my journeys the plant medicine and we spoke and she sort of gave me hope and courage to keep going and that I'll be okay and also letting me know that she's okay.

Trudie : 20:17

Wow. That's such an incredible moment to experience, in the sense that here you are on your own journey, but you've had, you've lost a good friend on their journey and being able to connect with them in an out-of-world experience and to take on this therapy for you to like, heal yourself in this journey and, like you said, it's hindsight is 20-20 and you can look back and go should I have done it? Should I not have done it? But each part of that journey, you do what's right and what you think you need at the time and I can only begin to imagine the type of pain you were in, especially if you say it was worse than labour. I can only begin to imagine the type of pain you were in especially if you say it was worse than labour, having been a mother myself and given birth that you have to make these big decisions, like you said, in the moment, not really knowing what direction that's going to take, but just trusting that in this moment, right now, this is what I need.

Kirsten: 21:21

Yeah, and that was saying that one of my affirmations that I've had for a long time is right here, right now, I'm safe, and I just had to keep repeating that to myself that, even though it feels scary or I don't know what's going to happen, right now I'm safe. You know, in each moment that I'm here, I I'm safe.

Trudie : 21:40

Yeah, and it's such a positive space to be in is knowing that, yeah, in this moment everything is okay, because, realistically, in the big scheme of things, in any given moment we have to believe that we are safe and okay. Because then how do we go through to the next moment if we don't even trust that ourselves? So you said that you had to have spinal surgery and having spinal rods inserted.

Kirsten: 22:13

Did you end up having further surgery on your hip as well? Yeah, I'm currently today seven weeks post hip replacement. So the tumour had eaten away a lot of my pelvis and my hip ball. It's probably the easiest way to explain. It had gone right up into my pelvis, so my left leg was about seven centimeters shorter than my right purely because the pelvis was deteriorated and the hip socket was basically gone. So there was nothing to hold my hip in place.

Trudie : 22:43

And I just want to interrupt you there by saying I'm not going to disclose your age, but you are under 40, correct.

Kirsten: 22:50

Yeah, I was diagnosed at 37. So I'm turning 39 this year.

Trudie : 22:54

Yeah. So all this stuff is happening that you would expect somebody much later in life to be having to experiencing it, and you're enduring all of this under 40 yeah, that's uh.

Kirsten: 23:07

When I go to the medical system, all the nurses and they're like this is unheard of they. They each ask me my story and they're like wow, I've never heard of that, like they're. They're equally as shocked. Um, the other thing, too is I didn't. So it's melanoma, but I don't have a primary skin spot where the cancer started, so they don't know how it started. I have my beliefs or thoughts around it. I think there's a big holistic approach to that as well as to why it came about. But an interesting thing, where I was living at the time. So my neighbour she was two doors down from me and then in between us there's another neighbour and me Three of us in those three properties were all diagnosed with a type of cancer. So she had bowel cancer, the middle neighbour had melanoma. They were skin spots and I had melanoma in my bones. So that was part of the reason I moved from that location, because for me that's not, that doesn't just happen like.

Trudie : 24:15

That's not normal to me that this location, so many people are getting diagnosed that doesn't seem normal to me either, I have to admit, and like you, I would be wanting to move. But are you saying that you moved right in the middle of you going through all this healing treatment that you just decided? Hey, I'm going to move on top of it, because moving is traumatic in itself, like for anybody that has to do a move. But you're dealing with all these health issues and now you're moving too.

Kirsten: 24:45

Yeah, Well, from the moment I was diagnosed, my husband and I we went to stay at my sister's on the Sunshine Coast for New Year's Eve and we were actively looking for properties. Then we just knew we had to leave. Stay at my sister's on the Sunshine Coast for New Year's Eve and we were actively looking for properties. Then we just knew we had to leave. I'd kind of wanted to move for a little while but hadn't been brave enough or didn't want to uplift everyone. But in this moment we knew that we just needed to go somewhere peaceful. And we got a few questions from you know well-meaning friends and family saying why are you moving so far away from medical services? We bought a house that has stairs.

Kirsten: 25:20

At the time I couldn't climb stairs. I've been on crutches for nearly 18 months now and I just said, well, I will one day like I'm not. I'm not moving there with the intention that I'm going to go there to finish my life there, like I'm going there to extend my life or to make my life healthier. Again, back to my plant medicine journey. I saw myself climbing stairs. This was before I moved here. I saw this healthy woman climbing upstairs. She was carrying a bunch of papaya fruit and that just said to me okay, well, who cares if there's stairs, like I'll get there one day and the house that we bought, I basically live downstairs, I don't need to go upstairs. I can now, but, um, yeah, I just I kept looking forward. There was no that. You know the diagnosis and the time frames. It just wasn't on my radar. Maybe I'm people might think I'm naive maybe I am, but I just don't focus on that.

Kirsten: 26:21

It's still not in my you know, in my thoughts. Yes, I have moments of you know, like at the moment. I have a PET scan on Thursday and it's every time you're like, oh, like, it just makes you nervous, what's going to show up, what's not going to show up? But I just actively take myself back to no, no, just be in the moment. Whatever happens, you can work on it then. Another little affirmation that I have is a new day equals a new day of healing. So each day that I wake up is a chance for me to learn something new about myself, or learn a new way, new modality, or to put in place those things that I know that will help my body, help my mind.

Trudie : 27:05

I don't think you're naive in your approach to that, because there is a saying that says where your attention goes, energy flows. And if you constantly focus on that negative outcome and negative time frame that doctors so often want to give you when you're dealing with a cancer treatment, is that that's where your attention goes. But, on the other hand, if you just concentrate on healing your body and living your best life and doing what's right for you, then that's where your energy is going is into all those positive things. So you would have to expect that that's where a lot of the goodness is going to come from.

Kirsten: 27:50

Yeah, absolutely. And there's this saying I don't know who said it, but it says from the moment we're born, we are all terminal. And when I heard that I just thought, oh, like that just took away all the worry that I'm the only one who's gonna lose their life, like anyone can go, you know, and I hear of people passing away from various things sickness, accidents, whatever and why should I be living my life? That, oh, this could be the last day, or this might be my last week or month, or nobody knows. No one knows when their time is up. So that's what I focused on was just yeah, each day is another day that I'm here.

Trudie : 28:30

And how lucky am I such a beautiful way to look at things. I do need to ask you throughout this journey because it's been a two-year journey for you practically, or at least 18 months, and you've got two young children under the age of 10 how have they coped? One and two, how have you coped, as a mother, going through this journey with them?

Kirsten: 28:57

well, um, I'm just going to hear that brings up a lot of emotion. So it's basically two years since I first started experiencing pain. So April 2023 was when I first had the pain and I was homeschooling them. We were, you know, out and about all the time, as I said, I used to go climbing trees, we'd go skating every week and then, all of a sudden, I just had to stop doing certain things because mummy's in pain and the kids have been absolutely amazing. They don't know my diagnosis. We never told them.

Kirsten: 29:31

There were times when I was in hospital at my lowest point and they were saying to us you know, it might be a good time to speak to the kids, do you want counsellors? And I just couldn't do it. And I still. Then, even when I was that low, I did not see the end. When I look back on photos, it'd be easy to see why people thought this was the end for her. But I didn't. I just did not cross my mind. So the kids just know that mummy has weak bones. First, before my cancer diagnosis, I was diagnosed with osteopenia, which is basically pre-osteoporosis. So we just tell them my bones are weak and there's, you know, certain things have caused this. So I just have to try and find ways to get stronger. And the doctors and healers are all helping mummy.

Kirsten: 30:23

Unfortunately, term four last year unfortunately for me, because I loved homeschooling but I wasn't doing so well. I couldn't give to them the way they needed me to. We ended up sending them to school. We found a beautiful little independent school which is from prep to 10. There's only about 50 60 kids, so sending them there was really hard for me. But it's been great for them to have connection with friends and it's a really small community. So they've been really supportive of my journey, helping us to keep them safe and happy and, you know, really nurtured the principal's absolutely amazing.

Kirsten: 31:05

So yeah, it's. You know my little boy. Last year he said to me when I was in bed for about six or eight months, could barely do anything get up and go to the toilet, take myself outside to ground my feet every day, get some sun. Might have been five minutes and then I'd be back to bed. And he said to me one day Mummy, do you know why I love you so much? And I said why? And he said because you need love to get better out of the mouths of babes.

Trudie : 31:46

Oh yeah it.

Kirsten: 31:47

Just it broke me but it also gave me so much strength. It was just what I needed, but not not necessarily from him, because I mean, yes, I do need and want love from him, but I didn't want him to feel like he had to do it for me. Being someone who grew up being a carer because I had a brother with a disability and a dad who had mental health issues and was basically non-existent, I put myself out. You know I missed out on my childhood in a lot of ways and I didn't want that for my kids. So I was very proactive in making sure they were safe, they were looked after, their childhood wasn't taken away from them. I accepted all the support that I could. You know, as mums we're quite proud and it's hard to accept support when we're supposed to be the ones looking after everybody. But I just made the decision that if people were offering help, I would accept it so that my kids didn't have to be stepping up more than they already were.

Trudie : 32:57

You know, they were already missing out on time with mummy and me nurturing them because I basically had to just go within and look after myself for a very long time yeah, and there's so much to say in what you've just said, and the first one I want to go back to is that obviously you had to make, like you said, you've made some really big, tough decisions in this whole healing journey and one of those has had to stop homeschooling your children and send them to school and inside of that you've given them a space to be children, which is what you said you wanted them to do is not have this awkward childhood, actually have what is relatively a normal childhood, but also it's probably given you time and space to actually just be with yourself and do what you need to do.

Trudie : 33:53

But just going back to what your son said in, like you just need love to heal, like out of the mouths of babes, like what's there for me is that it's so true in that if we all just loved each other and were kind to each other and supported each other more as a general society, then half the stress, anxiety, disease because it's let's be real, it's dis-ease would be almost eliminated. Like, these little human beings get it more than we do. They do.

Kirsten: 34:32

Yeah, I, you know, I've been really, really fortunate that I've had such amazing support around me. In the very beginning, I just kept saying to my husband and my sister I just want to go out into nature and I want to curl up like an animal. You know, when animals are unwell, they just curl up, preserve all their energy until they're better again. That's all I kept picturing myself doing was going out, curling up in the bush or on a mountain and just blocking out the outside noise and just going within. And that's basically what I did moving here. So we moved to a beautiful mountain property and I just held up. A lot of the time was in bed, but I had this beautiful big window just looking outside, the trees, the birds flying around, and just going within and giving to myself. But in doing that, like I had to give up all my roles, as a mum, as a wife, as a friend. But I have the most amazing people who stepped in and allowed me to do that. You know my husband was still working, but he never made me feel guilty for not doing anything. You know, there were days where I'd cry and say I'm so sorry and he would just reply don't be, this is your time, you know. This is your time to heal, and hearing that and knowing that I was safe to to go within and basically check out of life was, you know, not many people get that.

Kirsten: 36:09

I know of other people who their husbands don't support them in that way or they don't have family and friends around who will come and live with them and take over your role as mum and cook and clean. My mother-in-law just would come for however long she needed to and she'd fill the freezer. Um, all the washing was always done, the cleaning. My mum come up whenever she could, but she has a son with a disability so she's still caring, but she would just check in every day, send messages. My sister, my older sister, has just you know, she was always there at the end of a message.

Kirsten: 36:49

All of her treatment protocols have been amazing. She's never it's never felt like too much to ask her for a support, although sometimes I did sort of pull back because I know how mentally exhausting it is caring for someone or supporting someone. So I was mindful that I didn't burden her with everything. But I just never felt like that and I had friends who would come up and stay because I couldn't go and visit them. They'd come and just sit in bed with me. We'd chat for a bit, I'd have a sleep and they would hang out with my kids and help my husband. So yeah, having all those people and their love was priceless love was priceless, I can imagine it would be.

Trudie : 37:41

because, like you said, just having all that support there, and especially that of your husband because, like you said, it could make or break a marriage and I think that's where your wedding vows of in sickness and in health really come into play as well are you really going to be there, and it's just beautiful to see that your husband has been there, that your extended family has been there, your friends have been there, like everyone is there to support you in this journey, and you don't have to feel guilty about it, you don't have to worry about it. You just get to focus on becoming the best version of yourself again, so that you can just continue to be here with everybody yeah, exactly.

Kirsten: 38:23

Um, you know, like I said earlier in the we were talking, that everyone just started falling around me. So when I moved here, I started looking for different people to support me. So an IV nurse, acupuncture, chiropractor, healers there were times where I was seeing two different counsellors holistic counsellors each week, as well as the acupuncturist, and he taught my husband and I meditation. People were dropping in food who didn't even really know us. Yeah, it was just amazing to see the support rally around, even for someone they didn't know, and it's interesting because I've always been that person and I think part of me moving from where I was was to get away from being that one who's just constantly giving, giving, giving, and now I had to learn to receive and that was one of my biggest lessons was, yeah, learning to accept help and that I'm worthy of everything that I was giving to everybody yeah, such an important lesson for many of us to actually take on in the fact, especially if we are givers in this world.

Trudie : 39:38

I know I'm. My love language is gift giving and I'm a giver. My second love language is acts of service. So it's very much in that frame of of giving, and it's not until you are in a situation where you have to start receiving that it actually does take some work to be able to be in that space of receiving everything back. So the fact that you were able to do that I'm sure helped you on your journey yeah, it did.

Trudie : 40:07

It took a lot, but it's definitely yep definitely helped the one thing I want to ask throughout the whole thing, because it sounds like even from the very beginning and throughout various aspects of the process, you have had a really strong positive mindset like what are some of the things that has had you either one be that way or two stay that way. Because, like you said, going back and looking in the mirror of when you went from like 60 kilos down to 45, and you said you looked in the mirror as like an old woman and I mean, obviously we're sitting here on a zoom call and you do not look like that today. You look, you are glowing, like how has that been for you?

Kirsten: 40:51

um, so I haven't always been this way for much of my childhood. So probably since about 16 I started seeing a counsellor. I was put on antidepressants and all throughout my life, on and off, I was seeing counsellors. Even psychiatrists had anxiety, depression. And it wasn't till about probably four years ago now I started working on myself. You know, on a.

Kirsten: 41:21

Six years was when I started really cleaning up food and detoxing and I did a assisted medicine journey and that just changed. That rewired my brain. I couldn't read a book. You know, all through high school I couldnwired my brain. I couldn't read a book. You know, all through high school I couldn't read. I could but I couldn't retain anything. Then I went on to study as a pastry chef. I really struggled in all of the theoretical work, probably read maybe two books since high school. After doing this journey I think I read about five books in one year. I couldn't believe it and I was retaining it all and I was like just loving it. But that that just changed me. My confidence just soared.

Kirsten: 42:01

I healed a lot, a lot of. I had postnatal anxiety with both of my kids, to the point I was medicated, never wanted to do the medication, I kept putting it off, and then I did because I wasn't improving. I then did hypnosis a couple of times, started working with a holistic counsellor, and that trumped all of the psychologists that I'd seen since 16. I'm not saying that they didn't play a role in, you know, helping me, but I was never able to truly heal these things that I was holding on to from childhood and but I honestly think that one journey just just changed my life, and I credit that so much to the way my mindset has been throughout all of this that's an incredible journey to be on, like to look at yourself from so far back to your childhood and how you've come now and it's it's literally been a journey that you've been on and I want to take you back to, like the beginning of the conversation.

Trudie : 43:09

You said that this didn't happen to you. It happened for you. What are some of the lessons that you've started? Or the wisdom? I don't want to say lessons, I mean we're all here to learn. I think every day we're alive on this earth we are learning, but it's the wisdom we get from those learnings like what has been that that's come out whole time period for you.

Kirsten: 43:33

I think probably so. I always was diagnosed or labeled as anxious. I don't believe that anymore. I think I'm very intuitive, sensitive, you know whatever you want to call it, but being open to spirituality in my own way. I don't necessarily go to church or I don't not believe in God, but I don't believe in God. It's believing in a higher self, as what's really come out of this for me. And throughout this last couple of years, there have been moments where I'll be standing and looking looking at myself, looking at myself, so it's really hard to explain. But me now is looking at a version of me, looking at the me who's in bed or the me who's outside on the lawn screaming and crying in pain, asking for help. I believe that's my higher self was looking over me, protecting me, guiding me.

Kirsten: 44:41

Also, gratitude has been a wonderful thing. You know, I used to go outside and cry, scream, ask for help. What can I do? Show me what to do. And then one day I just went out and I said thank you and started saying thank you for the things that I had, thank you for this beautiful land, for the nature that's holding me the mountains, the trees, the birds Thank you for my family, those people who are supporting me, and it just changed the way I was feeling about everything. And it just changed the way I was feeling about everything. So now, through the big heavy days or moments, I start, you know, looking at what am I grateful for, what do I have that's good and it always trumps all the bad, negative feelings and thoughts.

Trudie : 45:33

Wow, such a beautiful place to be in. Feelings and thoughts. Wow, such a beautiful place to be in. I want to thank you so much for being here today, for giving us a real, raw and very vulnerable emotional share of your story, because I think what you are going through and the fact that you have the courage to speak out and share that story is incredibly brave and I think many of our listeners, whether they're going through a similar journey themselves or have family members or friends going through that journey, they will gain some insight into what that journey is actually like. So thank you for giving another part of yourself like to the listeners yeah, thank you.

Kirsten: 46:23

That's basically what, why I'm sharing my story. It's hard and I know it can be hard for other people to hear, but ultimately I want to. I want people to hear it and to maybe think about how they can help support themselves or their loved ones in a truly holistic way. You know, I would love to say that I didn't have to have Western medicine, but I did. But alongside that, I've done so many other things to support myself and, yeah, mindset has been one of the biggest things, and if I can help somebody find one thing that will support them alongside whatever else they're doing, then that's.

Trudie : 47:02

That's all I want out of this and me sharing my story yeah, and it's not just the one person or the one thing, it's that ripple effect that that one thing then takes into the rest of the world. And that's what I love is that you can, by helping one person, you actually begin to help so many others in the process. So I always like to finish and funnily you've already mentioned it, but I always like to finish the podcast episode with what is the one thing you are most grateful for today.

Kirsten: 47:34

One thing, most grateful for today? One thing, I guess my community, my family, but also my strength. If I didn't have this strength then I possibly wouldn't be doing as well as I am. So many things I could be thankful for. But yeah, that'll do it for today.

Trudie : 47:56

Thank you for tuning in to the Everyday Warriors podcast. If you have an idea for a future episode or a story you'd like to share yourself, then please reach out and message me, as I am always up for real, raw and authentic conversations with other Everyday Warriors. Also, be sure to subscribe so that you can download all the latest episodes as they are published and spread the word to your family and friends and colleagues so they can listen in too. If you're sharing on social media, please be sure to tag me so that I can personally acknowledge you. I'm always open to comment about how these episodes have resonated with you, the listener. And remember lead with love as you live this one wild and precious life.