Episode 48 - Manisha Bhati: From Arranged Marriage to Autonomy

How a marriage slowly tightened into coercive control. We sit down with Manisha to trace the subtle beginnings of abuse, rules about food and clothes, isolation disguised as tradition and the long arc toward reclaiming safety, dignity and voice. What starts as cultural expectation becomes gaslighting, invisible bruises and sexual coercion designed to leave no evidence. The most searing image arrives when her eight-year-old stands between parents, arms wide and Manisha decides to change the story.

Across this conversation, we unpack how abusers test limits, how communities can unknowingly enable harm and why “why didn’t she just leave?” misses the complexity of risk, finances, visas and the law. Manisha shares the quiet tactics that kept her children safer, the calculated steps to rebuild employability and savings, and the strategic move to a country where protection was possible. Freedom, she explains, wasn’t a finish line. After the move came the crash of CPTSD, depression and the hard work of therapy that shifted shame back to the perpetrator and named sexual violence for what it was.

What emerges is a grounded roadmap for survivors and allies to recognise patterns of narcissistic abuse, document and plan, learn your legal options and build a discreet support web. We talk about raising strong kids after violence, reclaiming identity beyond roles and finding meaning through advocacy. Manisha’s lens is clear and hopeful, if 20 years were taken, the next 20 can be lived at full volume. Listen for practical insight, hard-won wisdom and a reminder that safety, healing and autonomy are possible.

If this story resonates, subscribe, share with someone who needs it, and leave a review to help more listeners find Everyday Warriors. Your support helps amplify voices that save lives.

Transcript

Welcome, Mission And Trigger Warning

Trudie Marie 0:00

Welcome to the Everyday Warriors Podcast, the perfect space to speak my truth and dive into deep conversations with others. This podcast is about celebrating everyday warriors, the people who face life's challenges head-on, breaking through obstacles to build resilience, strength, and courage. Join me, your host, Trudy Marie, as I sit down with inspiring individuals who have fought their own battles and emerge stronger, sharing raw, real and authentic stories in a safe space, allowing you to explore, question, and find your own path to new possibilities. Let us all embrace the warrior within and realise that while no one is walking in your shoes, others are on the same path, journeying through life together. Please note that the following podcast may contain discussions or topics that could be triggering or distressing for some listeners. I aim to provide informative and supportive content, but understand that certain things may evoke strong emotions or memories. If you find yourself feeling overwhelmed or in need of support while listening, I encourage you to pause the podcast and take a break. Remember that it is okay to prioritise your well-being and seek assistance from trained professionals. There is no shame in this. In fact, it is the first brief step to healing. If you require immediate support, please consider reaching out to Lifeline on 13, 11, 14 or a crisis intervention service in your area. Thank you for listening and please take care of yourself as you engage with the content of this podcast. Love the Everyday Warriors Podcast? It would mean the world to me if you were to leave a five-star review to ensure that the Everyday Warriors podcast is heard by more listeners around the world. You can also support the show for as little as $5 with a one-time donation or by becoming a monthly subscriber. Your contribution helps me to continue bringing you inspiring stories of everyday warriors who overcome challenges to find strength, resilience and new possibilities in life. Head to the link to buy me a coffee and fuel the next episode. Every bit counts. A journey that was as much about finding my way back to myself as it was about conquering the trail through the highs and lows and everything in between. This book is taken from my journals and is my raw and honest experience of overcoming trauma and embracing the strength within. Grab your copy now, just head to the link in the show notes and let's take this journey together. While I include a general trigger warning at the beginning of each episode, this particular story contains details of domestic and sexual abuse. So please take care of yourself while listening. And if at any point you feel overwhelmed or notice emotions or memories arising, I really encourage you to pause or stop the episode and please reach out for the appropriate support if needed. This episode is shared with a deep intention. It gives voice, raises awareness, and empowers those who are currently experienced or have experienced similar situations. Remember, you are not alone and support is available. Welcome to another episode of the Everyday Warriors Podcast. And today my guest comes across the pond from New Zealand, but she is originally from India. So I would like to welcome Manisha to the podcast. Hi Trudy, I'm happy to be here. And it's so good to have you here because you have another interesting story to share, and that's what we're here for. So your story mainly started three years ago or around that time when you moved to New Zealand. But tell me a little bit more about what led up to you moving.

Manisha 4:51

So when I was quite young, I was like 23, 24 years old. I got married to this person who was selected by my parents originally. That's how it happened in India. It was, of course, my consent was taken. It was not like a forced marriage or anything. On paper, he seemed to be a good guy, an engineer, postgraduate, living outside his home city, hometown. And he was working with one of the very big companies, GE. So you would assume that such a person would be a nice person, has seen the world, he had traveled. So I thought that it was a good match. That's what I wanted in a guy highly educated and quite modern. When I got married, though, I realized it was not uh as it seemed. But over the next 19 years, I had lots of moments of realizations, epiphanies, and shock. And at some point in my life, I was like, okay, I cannot sustain this. After four separations, I finally decided that I have to call it quits and I have to leave, no matter what the cost, because it started affecting my children. It started affecting my sanity. And hence I decided to come to New Zealand. And this country has welcomed me with open arms. I've been very happy here.

Trudie Marie 6:12

I'm so glad to hear that you're happy now and you've re-established yourself. But just going back to that time, you said you're in your early 20s and you had an arranged marriage with this gentleman that you said he was an engineer. He'd already done some traveling, he was already quite successful in his career. So does that mean he was actually a little bit older than you, given that you were in your early 20s?

Manisha 6:35

Yes, he was eight years older to me, but I never thought anything of it. I thought that's fine because I, when I was growing up, I used to get along with a lot of my older cousins. From my mom's side of family, I'm one of the youngest. So I never thought that it would be a problem. Hence, I was okay with it.

Trudie Marie 6:52

I can try and relate to that because my first husband was eight years older than me. So I never had an issue with the age thing either. I think it was just one of those things. You met somebody, they were nice.

Manisha 7:03

And we also believe that men mature later than women, so longer age game.

Speaker 2 7:10

Maybe a little bit true.

Manisha 7:13

Yeah. So I thought at least it would match my maturity level.

Trudie Marie 7:17

So yeah, it was all fine. And you said that he was quite successful, lived and worked abroad. Did that mean that you also worked and lived abroad yourself?

Manisha 7:28

No, what I meant was he was working outside his hometown. His home was in Delhi, but he was in Bangalore, which is like a software hub in India. I also went there when I got my first job in Infosys as a software engineer. I went there. And my parents were looking for someone who they knew just because I was going to be all alone in the city, and that's how they came across him.

Trudie Marie 7:52

Got it. So that's how often arranged marriages work. Like you've moved away from your home city, they're looking for somebody to be a companion for you and to help look after you because the family's not there. And then this is how the arranged marriage ended up happening.

Manisha 8:08

Actually, his parents have been had been looking for a bride for him for quite a few years. And when they came to know of me, they heard about me, they asked my relatives for a picture. They saw the photo and they were like, okay, yeah, she seems okay-ish for our son. And they started the conversation about, yeah, do you think we could get our children married?

Trudie Marie 8:34

And I think the whole concept of, especially in India, because it's the one I'm most familiar with, but the whole concept of arranged marriages is literally a whole podcast episode on its own, because I think it's something so foreign for somebody who's grown up in Australia, like myself, that you've literally got these families preparing who you're going to spend the rest of your life with, whether you like it or not. And in the most cases, I think us Aussies married for love. That's how it eventuates. But then the divorce rate here is probably just as high, if not higher. So I think in India I see that as being taboo, which probably leads to my next question. Is that how was that for you? You said you had some trial separations, but how was it for you actually going through that sort of divorce?

Manisha 9:29

So the first time we separated was when I was pregnant with my first child, the early months. We were at that time, he had moved back with his parents and we were living with his parents. And it was like a torture in my pregnancy. It was like I was supposed to do everything at home. Because in India, it's like you are married to a woman, the reason you get married is because you want her to take care of the house. Which mostly in many cultures, it's the woman who's the primary caretaker for home. But the difference there is a woman is also expected to take care of the parents. And if the siblings lived with them, then siblings are so my ex-in-laws were very, very conservative. So they had different rules for their own daughter and me. Their daughter was also married, but she was allowed to do a lot of things which I wasn't allowed. For example, simplest things like, oh, well, if they would like if my father-in-law was buying ice cream, right, for people in the house. At that time, my sister-in-law was with us and her son. So it was four of us and two of them, but he would buy five ice creams, so none for me. So it would be like she's uh she's a daughter-in-law, she doesn't have needs, she's she's not allowed to have needs. Same thing about how to dress up, what who I could talk to, how much I could talk, what I could eat, what I could wear. Everything was governed by this is how we do it. And every time my parents did something for me, gave me anything at all, it would be judged. Even the gifts to me. And of course, the gifts to them were like always judged. There was always a way to find some kind of a flaw in everything that my parents did or I did. So it was a very tough thing.

Trudie Marie 11:23

Like you're in this marriage, you're pregnant, and then you've got all this kind of divide going on even within a family situation that your whole life is constantly under a microscope. How did you cope during that time?

Manisha 11:39

I felt like a prisoner, but the way I coped was that I would think of my daughter. And although in India it's not allowed to know the gender, I kind of had a feeling it's a daughter. I always wanted a daughter. I told God that if it's not a good daughter, I'm not gonna love him. So I was very confident. So I used to talk to her, and music was a big part. I'm very fond of I'm an avid reader, so reading was a big part of it. But sometimes I would steal some moments, like for example, they used to go out and not take me, of course, because you know I was a slave. So what I would do is I would order certain things that I wanted to eat, which they were not allowing me to eat. Simple, something as simple as a burger, right? I would order it, eat it, and throw the trash somewhere, they wouldn't find it. So I would go out and throw the trash. These are the kind of moments I stole. Sometimes I would just go for a walk because in my pregnancy I was encouraged to take a walk all the time. So I would go for a walk on my own and I would take longer. And those were the times when I would just stick to myself, take time to myself to calm myself down, to have my own thoughts and think about things. Think about this beautiful girl who was coming into my life, my daughter, and you know, those things. And I used to compose a lot of poetry, so all those things were the ways I would cope. And yeah, that's it, like little things, little joys. Uh, but I couldn't take it after a little while. I started losing weight when I was pregnant, and there was this injection that I had to take because I had lost my first child in my first pregnancy and a miscarriage. So the doctor had asked me to take an injection, and my mother-in-law would basically create a fit about my husband going with me to the doctor, and her reasoning would be like, We never went with our husbands, how dare she? So she was always constantly trying to come between me and my husband, and one day he was like, I'm not going with you, and I had to go somewhere a little further. So I said that I need to go to the doctor at that time. I didn't know how to drive a car. And when I asked him, he refused. So I called my dad, I said, He's refusing. I was so mad by then because I was done with all this. So I called my dad. I said he can't even take me to the doctor. So my dad said, Tell him either he takes you or I'm bringing you home. So that caused a lot of a big, huge fight with my in-laws, and my mother-in-law said very nasty things to me, which in Hindi meant absurd and filthy things. So in the end, I was like, I can't stay with these people. So my dad came and he took me home. He just said that she needs she needs a peaceful environment right now. And how old is your daughter now? She's 19 years old now.

Coping Tactics And Isolation

Trudie Marie 14:44

So going back 20 odd years ago, because you were pregnant with her and dealing with all of this, but then you said that you stayed with your husband and went on to obviously have two more children. I gather that even though you were going through this horrible time dealing with horrible in-laws and what was being done to you, and feeling like a prisoner in your own home or like living with your in-laws and things like that. Is it because of the culture that you literally stayed with your husband and had more children with him?

Manisha 15:18

It's yes, it's mainly because of the culture. The first time we separated, when I had my daughter, everybody thought that he would change because usually fathers love their daughters. My dad loves me a lot. But soon after that, he moved overseas. So my parents thought, and everybody, all of my relatives thought that once he's away from his parents, all these conservative thoughts that are not his but his parents would probably stop affecting me. So they encouraged me to move with him. Although there was a lot of fight during that time, also, there were lots of conditions laid. He kept on begging me to come back. And this is how abusers work, right? That they make a mistake, they do something, then they love bomb you, they apologize, they promise to change. And I realized that I fell for it like four times.

Trudie Marie 16:10

And it's interesting that you say that, like you say, I fell for it four times, and you said at the beginning of the podcast that you were a software engineer. So you're not a stupid woman by any stretch of the imagination, but it's amazing how the coercive control in a relationship does actually occur. And I believe more so, and this is just my experience from working as a police officer as well, that it happens in these culturally diverse backgrounds where there are often arranged marriages because culturally you have to stay with them. There is not really an out, and you end up in this situation where there's this toing and frowing, like you are constantly gaslit, you have this controlled behavior going on within the relationship, and you literally feel like there's no escape. Is that what it was like for you?

Manisha 17:10

I would say it was multifaceted. One is obviously the culture. And at many times in my life, I thought I would divorce him. I went back to my parents, said that I want to divorce him, and most of the time it was like, oh, think about the kids. So there is that aspect. There is another aspect that is when you have lived with an abusive person, they gaslight you so much and they demean you so much that you stop trusting yourself. I stopped believing that I could make a life without him. The third very important aspect that probably is different in India and other parts of the world, or I would say the developed world, is that when you are alone in India, you are married but away from your husband. Every man out there thinks that they have a right to hit on you. You wouldn't believe how many of my colleagues and co-workers would say things like, oh, I'm just trying to help you fulfill your sexual needs. So that's why I was asking. Or hey, your husband doesn't live with you. You must miss him really well. I can fulfill some of the things that he would do. And things like that. It was disgusting. It was at some point you got so overwhelmed with it that you would think that, hey, at least there I know it's a known devil instead of these people. So it was like sometimes I would cope with it, sometimes I wouldn't be able to cope with it. And plus, I had younger children then. I had two kids at that time, they were very young. And every time this happened, every time I had to look for a new job, then find a good job where I was doing very well, and people would somehow, over a period of months, will come to know that I don't live with my husband, he's abroad, and these things would stop. And it became so difficult that I would think that, well, he would come and beg, and I would be like, Okay, maybe this time he'll change.

Separations, Culture And Gaslighting

Trudie Marie 19:10

Wow, I didn't realize that that was another aspect that you had to deal with, and the fact that it didn't matter that you were in the sanctity of marriage, that just because you and your husband weren't living together, that it felt or other men felt entitled to hit on you and make advances towards you. So now you're not just dealing with, like you said, the devil you know, you're dealing with everybody else that you don't know. And you're having to weigh up what is a better scenario for you. And in a lot of cases, you obviously said it's better to go back to your husband thinking that he would change. And clearly you did, because, like you said, you end up going back four times and you had three. Three children together. What was it like when you were actually living abroad with him in another country compared to living in India?

Manisha 20:09

It was a little bit better, slightly better, because when we moved there, I quit my job. Every time I had to take care of a child, I had to quit my job because obviously his job was more important than mine. He would be okay as long as I was doing all the household work and being this nice and obedient wife to him. But every time I had an opinion, he would just be mad about it. But you have to understand, it didn't start that the disruptive anger or the complete rage did not start the first day. It built up. So there was a time, for example, the first time he hit me. Before that, for two or three weeks, I had this inkling in my mind that he's gonna hit me. I remember writing to a friend that I believe he has decided that now he can hit me and I would not go anywhere. And it really scares me. And this person was like, maybe you should just keep quiet. I said, I will tell you something about violence. And remember, this I knew even that time when I was not that mature, I thought, but I knew, and I said to my friend specifically these words, that when a man has decided to hit a woman, he will find a way and he will find an excuse. And that's what happened. But before that, he tried something else. Like, for example, one day he threw a key at me, car keys at me, it hit my nose and it started bleeding. And he waited what I would do. I got obviously I got upset. I did not talk to him for a couple of days, but I forgave him. I told my mom, but obviously, because they come from a very conservative background, my mom was like, Oh well, you have to live with this guy, right? And he thought that I'm not going anywhere, that I he didn't get any reaction from my parents for that. So then he found another way, another excuse, another moment to actually really beat me up. And that day I did leave him. But again, when I was in India, same thing. People would like my daughter would talk to people about how he was hitting me and how she she still remembers it. By the way, she was just three and a half years old at that time. But people would say things like my own cousins and their wives would say, Oh, don't worry, you'll go back to your dad one day, and he really loves you, and blah, blah. So it felt like to me, from my perspective, it felt like everybody wanted to get rid of me. Nobody wanted me there. And you have to understand, they might not have the intention, but because I was so traumatized, I was depressed. And I think I developed CPH TST at that point, which was diagnosed much later. But from my perspective, I felt like I'm not welcome here anymore. People would say things like, How would your younger sister get married if you are here? So then I went back.

Living Abroad And Escalation To Violence

Trudie Marie 23:09

There's two things I want to unpack with that. The first is that when you go back to the physical abuse, and I think initially there was some sort of coercive control behavior, and that came also from living with his family and stuff, and when you moved abroad, you just had to look after the house. But then he started with something like throwing keys at you, which could have hit you or could have missed you. But that's almost a lead up to like what can I get away with? Because, like you said, you phoned your parents, nothing happened, they didn't say anything. So, in his mind, it's well, I've gotten away with this. Now what can I do? Which is when the further physical abuse started. So that's something that you're now having to live with and you're fearful of and things like that. And clearly that's happening because your daughter's seeing it and going, you go home to India to get away from him. But then, like you said, your family are condoning this behavior and saying that it's okay that you will go back. So if your husband hasn't already beaten it out of you and you've lost any sense of self-worth and control and trust, you go home to India for support, but now your own family are turning on you. What was that actually like for you?

Manisha 24:37

Truly, it became worse every time I went back. And see, I'm not blaming my parents. I know it was societal conditioning mostly. My dad actually never condoned the behavior, but he did not know every single time it happened. Plus, also, you have to understand since we come from a very conservative background, I couldn't tell them about the sexual abuse. They probably didn't know that since until they saw that court report that came from a judge, from a lawyer here in Munich. But before that, they didn't know that. All they thought was that he was being just like another chauvinistic man. Indian men are like that, they like to control women, they like to be the ones who make decisions, and some people are more conservative than others. So, in their opinion, it was that. And I believe somewhere I felt like that I was being made responsible for his behavior. One of my very educated and a wonderful independent woman, she was a friend of mine, and she said this to me. Why do you bring the fight to that level where he hits you? So every time it was like, and people do these things unknowingly, and I just couldn't trust anyone. It felt very lonely. It felt like nobody understood what I was going through. It felt like unless they could see the scars, there was nothing that would disturb them or affect them in the sense that they would be like, uh, if you can't see it, it's not that big.

Trudie Marie 26:14

So was he hitting you, just going back to the physical violence? Was he hitting you in a way that it didn't leave a visible mark? So that if you were out in public, no one else would see it. So then no one else could say, Oh, this is going on.

Manisha 26:31

So the first time that happened, it was just after his parents had visited us and left. So obviously there was a lot of instigation from his mom and a lot of brainwashing that, oh, we never used to behave like this. Oh, she's gonna get out of your hands and things like that, right? So when he hit me the first time, it was he hit me with a slipper, with uh keys, with laptop, with remote, anything that he could lay his hands on. And he was holding my toddler's son in his arms so I couldn't retaliate. That's how he hit me. And I covered myself, I got into that fetal position and he kept hitting me. At some point, I stopped focusing on the pain. I just the way I remember it is I looked at the clock and I started counting seconds. So I know the exact amount of time he hit me for, it was 10 minutes. And at some point, I saw from the corner of my eye that there was one neighbor outside who went to clean his car, and I dashed outside. So, because I really feel that he's gonna really, really harm me. So I dashed outside, and because of the way I looked at that time, obviously I was crying and I was in my pajamas, right? I went there and this guy looked up, and my husband came out, and he smilingly, he he put his arm around me and he took me back as if I was going through something and he was trying to comfort me. But then that's when he stopped hitting me. And there was no marks, yes, there were no bruises. The things that he did, which had bruises, like I have a burn mark here, I have a burn mark here on my stomach, the things that he did, those things were like you could almost almost not blame him for that. For example, when I was pregnant with my third child, I was carrying this this pot in which I was making some beans and it had boiling water inside, right? And there were beans. And he came very, very with very light footsteps. He came and then he startled me. He said something, and I got so startled that it fell on me, the water. Now, if I went to anyone and said that he caused it, I could not prove that. He would say, Oh, she was just doing it, and I didn't do anything because he never touched me. So, this kind of things that he did would, and I would not even understand at that point that he was doing it. I'll give you another example he would blame certain things on the passion of the moment, like he would pull my hair and it would be too hard, and then he would pretend like he's doing his because he's so right now, he's so turned on by me. So he would kiss me and he would bite me, and things like that. So he would bite on my body parts, and it was all in name of passion.

Invisible Bruises And Manipulation

Trudie Marie 29:35

Wow, this is what people don't understand about domestic violence in its truest sense of the word. The manipulation and control, the coerciveness, and the way they do certain things, like you said, it's in the passion of the moment, or it's the I startled you, it's your fault because you got scared in the moment for whatever known reason. But the thing that stood out for me the most in what you just said was the fact that he used to hold on to your son using a child as a pawn, there are just no words for what you had to go through, not just physically, but then as a mother, knowing that your child is watching what's going on.

Manisha 30:28

Yeah, yes, and that's why I think that I'm very, very, I'm very blessed. God has always been with me because my children got out of that. I wouldn't say without any scars, but I would say relatively less scars. And I am a living proof that a single sane and loving parent is enough to give a child a good life. And women out there who think that they can't do it all alone, children need their father. No, they don't. They don't need an abusive father, even if they have only mother, but she's loving and caring, that's enough.

Trudie Marie 31:10

Yeah, no child should ever be subjected to that type of behavior from either parent, whether it's a mother or a father. But to have that kind of manipulative control and exposure to behavior that is not really okay in any culture, in any background, that violence is a way of control.

Manisha 31:35

Yeah. And you remember, sorry, you know, when he actually hit me the last time, that is, when he actually physically stopped hitting me, was when my daughter was like eight years old, and the fight was about I was going home to attend my sister's wedding. I had missed her engagement because he wouldn't let me go. But I was going home for her wedding, and I had booked the tickets, and in the confusion of AM and PM, I actually booked them a day earlier. So he got up, he got angry, and he started throwing things at me. And then the children came. They were a little bit grown up then. My little one was also there, he was a toddler, and he threw things in me, and then he would say, See, I'm not hitting her. See, I'm not hitting her. And he would, and my daughter actually, she came and stood like this with her arms spread like this. She shielded my me with her own body, and she's like, Don't hit her, you can hit me. And that was the moment when I broke down that this eight-year-old child, she's trying to protect me. And this man is such an evil person that he can't see what impact he's having on his kids. That day, if I had any doubts that he loved his kids, as people would say, they were just gone. Because I was like, no, there is no way that this person loves the children. And it was after that I started reading a lot about this stuff, and I realized I saw an Instagram account where a woman had told her story and it was exactly like mine. And then I realized it was narcissism, it was domestic violence, it was then I could name it. And once I could name it, that was the time when I started thinking, how do I escape it?

Children As Pawns And A Turning Point

Trudie Marie 33:32

And that's probably the key thing that you're saying there is how do you escape it? Because a lot of people, and I'm just looking at your whole scenario overall with the relationship with your in-laws, the relationship with your ex-husband, the relationship of your own family, of how they condone certain behaviors, is that this is not just about, for example, an incident happens, you go to the police, you make a report, and you leave because the repercussions and the consequences of those actions can actually lead to more catastrophic behavior after the event. So this is a question that comes up, and I've seen it during my time in policing, is that people ask from the outside, why do you just not leave him? And the answer is because it's not that simple. It's not that easy. So, what are some of the things that you had to do from that moment that you've just spoken about to begin to start the process of actually leaving?

Manisha 34:41

The first thing that I understood was the reason he stayed in the Middle East was because there the laws allow you to do this to your wife. He knew that I could not go through the police there. And when I was in India, he was never there. So he was quite okay. He was shielded from the laws. So the first thing that I did was I started examining where I can go and how I can migrate to some other place. And I knew that it had to be either US or Canada or Australia or New Zealand. I could not go to any other place and be in a similar situation. So the other thing is that I started as much as I could, I started working whenever I could. I know I had to take a lot of breaks, but whenever I could, I started working. I kept on upskilling myself so that I am employable and whatever money I could save. Of course, he tried a lot. He tried a lot to spend my money. For instance, when the when I was not working and kids would go to school. Now, in Middle East, it's not possible to take bus and all. So we had a driver who would pick them and drop them. So this driver, I was the one who spawned. Although I was not working. So he always made sure that I was financially dependent on him, but I was constantly trying to be independent. So every job that I could find, anything I could do, I did. That was one of the things that I prepared for. The third thing that I did was I started learning how to lie. I did not know how to lie. I'm a very bad liar. It shows in my face, it's against my values, but I started learning how to lie to survive. And sometimes I would understand what he's trying to do. And I was able to, I was not able to avoid things, but I was able to deflect things. So I started doing that. And once in a while, when it got too much, I would actually in a few moments I would stand up to him and threaten him. Although I was very scared, but because he knew me as this very honest person and this woman who, when she sets her mind to something, she makes it happen. He knew me as that person, right? So when I told him, like one day he was going to hit me, he came to me with his hand raised. I said, if that hand touches me, I'm gonna break it. So he would just back down. Maybe it was just the shock of it, maybe whatever it was, but I started using my wit, and I had to be very careful about the moments where I could do that and the moments I couldn't. Because if that barrier was crossed, that if I was threatening him and he still broke that barrier, that would be so detrimental. So I had to be very smart about it. I'll tell you something, which was I'm not proud of doing this. I'm actually very embarrassed about saying this. But one thing that I learned was I could see the signs when he was going to hit the kids, and I knew it is coming. So what I would do is I would pick up something and would start yelling at them. And I would yell at them so that he would intervene to be the good guy and show that I'm such an unreasonable person. So he would be on their side, but that avoided him hitting them.

Trudie Marie 38:16

But sometimes you have to do what you have to do. Like as a mother, you want to protect your kids ultimately. And if it's a choice between something happening to them and something happening to you, you're ultimately going to want to protect them first. I know as a mother, that's how I would be. And I was a single mother for a long time. So I get who you are. And I don't think that's anything to be embarrassed about because I think any other mother out there would totally relate to you that first and foremost, you just want to protect your babies.

Naming The Abuse And Planning Escape

Manisha 38:53

Yes, but truly, you have to understand, I did not know at that time that there would be an escape. I had to make a choice between my children getting physically abused by their father or them hating me. And I can tell you, and I can tell you very honestly, that there were certain times for a little while, a few weeks, a few months, when my daughter hated me, when my eldest son stopped respecting me. There were those times I could sense it, but I was just not doing anything about it because I knew that was better than getting abused. But by the time the kids were grown up, so he figured out another way of abusing me. Financial, emotional, yes, all those things. He would use swear words in front of the kids. He would tell them that, oh, she talks to these men and she talks about these topics, and she's so close to her co-workers, she's characterless and all that. And I would just be, yeah, okay, whatever. At some point, I even said, Yeah, I have slept with every man I've met in my life. What are you gonna do about it? So those were the kind of things. But when he realized that the children had grown up enough to articulate this to someone else because they had told one of one time to my parents what he did. So he started abusing me completely, only sexually. So it was like it wouldn't go out of the bedroom. It was like getting me drunk to have sex with him. That was the only way I could do it with him. Then he introduced me to alcohol by the way. But I started enjoying it. Not that it's a bad thing, but I know how much I have to drink to just sleep with him. And he would hurt me at that time. So I couldn't tell anyone, I couldn't show anyone. If I dared to say no, he would punch the wall beside me or he would throw things at me. So I was not allowed to say no. He even said once to me that if you don't cook and if you don't put out, then why did I get married? And he started even saying things like, if my wishes are not fulfilled, then I will have to go somewhere else. Once he even said this to me that the reason I hit the kids and I get angry is because you don't sleep with me, and my emotions have no way to get out. So he basically told me that if you stop having sex with me, I'm gonna hit the kids.

Trudie Marie 41:29

And that kind of abuse just takes it to a whole other level because there is one thing about being physically hit in any part of your body. But then when you take it to that next level of an intimate, what is supposed to be a loving process, that's very sacred. In a lot of cultures, it's a sacred act. And to now use this as a form of torture, a form of control, a form of manipulation, and that as a woman, you kind of how do I put this without sounding like the wrong thing? But it's like you almost have to take it because the potential repercussions of being physically assaulted while you're being sexually assaulted, and what could potentially happen to your children that's going through your mind at the same time is worse than the act you're actually enduring in that current moment.

Strategy, Finances And Staying Safe

Manisha 42:32

Exactly. And it's like if that is the story he's telling himself, I'll hold him to that story, if nothing else. And it became like, but it's I felt dirty after that, Shuri. Every single time I felt dirty. I would go and scrub my face and wash my hands, but I couldn't bathe. I would have preferred to shower, but I couldn't, because then he would take that as an insert. So I would brush my teeth, I wouldn't brush before that, so that I could just say that I'm brushing my teeth to go to bed, and things that I would do in the bathroom to just scrub him off of me. It felt disgusting. It just belonged to him. So I had to disassociate with myself in those moments. Again, I stole some moments, I would think of some hot celebrities sometimes, and that's how I would just tolerate it. I would think of Hubrand or you know, Will Smith, and I would just imagine these scenarios in my because I'm a writer, I'm able to create that story on the go. So I would create the story inside my head and give myself this false sense of control, thinking that I'm using him versus he's using me or abusing me. So I would just tell myself that I'm using him so he remains calm and I can get to New Zealand where I want to be. It was really, really hard. It was very hard. But when I look back at those moments, I think I did quite well. If you look at what I was going through, there was no family, there were no friends. Obviously, he isolated me from friends, family, cousins. Even I couldn't even talk to my cousins because that would also be like disgraceful to him, me talking to my male cousins, which is so absurd to think about. But that's what I did.

Trudie Marie 44:45

Firstly, I just want to acknowledge in this moment who you are as a woman. I don't think you did well. I think you did exceptionally well to be sitting here in front of me now and telling this story. The fact that you are even here to be able to tell the story, because there is a sinister alternative path that could have happened had you not for either of you, because I think there reaches a point where you can only tolerate so much that you either disassociate yourself from your body, from your mind, to the point where you take your own life, or whether you put up with it so much that you just almost give up any hope, and then ultimately your life is sacrificed as a result. So just I want to take a moment to acknowledge who you are, what you've been through it, what you've endured, and how you have escaped this, not just for yourself, but for your children and their future and how your life gets to live now moving forward.

Sexual Coercion And Survival Modes

Manisha 46:03

Thank you, Ruly. I would like to say something at this point. The worst thing was not escaping, although most for most women it is. I do understand many of the women are killed by their partners when they escape. With me, I had a brilliant mind, and thankfully, as I said, God was with me throughout. So it just happened that way that I moved to New Zealand and he couldn't. I will not get into that. I did have some, I did manipulate him into doing that. But what happened afterwards was a shocker to me because I thought once this is done, then I will be able to live my life. But I realized that this is how I would explain it to someone that I was running a marathon, I was very high on adrenaline, I did not allow myself to feel the emotions, never allowed myself to process things, as a result of which many memories are still lost. And suddenly, when I was over the finish line, it all came down upon me and it hit hard at once. So 20 years of emotion, emotions and this depression and this feeling of not being worth anything, all of it hit me at once. I had to go to several therapists, start taking medication, and I got diagnosed with CPTSD, depression, as well as clinical perfectionism, which is also a result of trying to be perfect in everything, so that he cannot find a fault. So all of that suddenly hit me, and it took me two years to get to a point where I can talk about it. I'm still not completely healed. There is still that inner voice in me, is his voice now. Because sometimes when I make a decision, I am like, oh, what if he says something? And then I have to tell myself that he's not here any longer. He can't say anything to me. And then I feel this rush of, oh my god, my life is my own finally. And I pack myself, but the first thought is always that impulsive thing is shit, what if? You know, and that inner voice I think will probably take longer. I have nightmares, I have suddenly something flashes. Sometimes I have the memories that I repressed, unfortunately, they come to the surface, and then I have to process it because there is no other choice but to process it. So I have to sit with that memory, I have to think about what I was feeling at that point, I have to let myself feel, and that's how I have to move on. And when it hits you like that, you know, somebody else tells you this happened and you can't even remember it, then it's like I don't want to remember it, because then I'll have to process it. But at the same time, something will trigger it, and you will have to again face it or relive that same moment, which is very tough.

Trudie Marie 49:19

It is extremely tough, and I think that's one of the biggest misconceptions of what you said about both things about one leaving an abusive relationship and thinking that it's all over, but two, trauma recovery. You've had 20 years of violence in your life and certain behaviors that you've learned to deal with on a daily basis. So it's become somewhat normal to you, and you think you know how to deal with that, but until you actually one, leave and then two go through the healing journey. Like you said, it's been two years already of going on that healing journey. But two years is not long enough to compensate for 20 years of abuse. The trauma journey and the trauma healing journey is one that is constantly ongoing, and you never know in any situation when something may trigger you. A memory may come up, you'll hear a song, or somebody will say something, or you'll be in a place, or you'll smell something, that it takes you right back to that moment. And then you're like, Yes, I now have to sit with this, I now have to process this. And that can come completely unexpected. So I think that's a message for any listener out there is that if you're going through this recovery journey, healing journey, whatever you like to call it, don't expect miracles that it's just going to wipe the slate clean and you're going to be well overnight. This is an ongoing journey. It's taking care of yourself in any moment, it's honoring yourself in every moment that it's okay to feel, it's okay to be, and then it's okay to take some kind of action after it, whatever that is. But we are constantly on this journey. It's like a roller coaster. Just don't get off, keep going and keep moving forward.

Aftermath, CPTSD And Therapy

Manisha 51:22

I think the way I deal with it is that I got three amazing, lovely, wonderful kids out of it who absolutely adore me, who have seen my struggles and they know what I have gone through. At this point, I can talk to them about this, although they have also gone through in this with me. So that is one thing I tell myself that I wouldn't have had these amazing kids if not for all that. But I also know that the strengths that I have developed now, that I'm not scared of anything at all. Anytime anything happens to me, I'm like, oh well, if I could handle that guy for 20 years, what do you think you're gonna do to me? So I tell myself that. But most importantly, whenever I am in doubt, I tell myself this that yes, he took away 20 years of my life, my youth, practically my whole youth. But in the next 20 years of my life, I'm gonna live 80. And that's how I see it. That I will, yes, I can't go back to being young, but at the same time, I at least got an opportunity to make my life my own out of all this. And that's why I love being here. I love being single, I just like being on my own because I can do anything that I want. There is no one who's questioning me, there's no one who's stopping me, and that's how I tell myself this story that I have, yes, it was a thing that happened, but it happened. I can't change it, and there's no point in thinking about it. So let's just move forward. But I would just take a moment to say that the therapists that I saw, they actually helped me deal with it. The worst thing to get rid of was the shame that I was carrying. Because I carried the shame of that sexual abuse as my shame. And when I said something to my first therapist ever, he said, Don't let's call what it is, let's call it a rape. Okay. And as soon as he said that, I felt like a whole lot of weight lifted off me because then the shame was his. It was my ex-husband's, it was not mine anymore. And that's why he taught me something. And then I went to another therapist who took me on another journey, and he was kind enough. The first therapist was kind enough to tell me that I can't help you beyond this. You have to look for someone else with these qualifications. So I've met amazing people here in New Zealand. I've met amazing friends who have helped me, who see me as I am. Flawed human being, but act as at the same time someone who wants to do better. But it has also created this fire in me where I want to help as many women and children as I can. And I want to do that for the rest of my life. So I am on a journey now that to bury my own pain, I probably have to bury other people's first. And then probably I'll find some joy in it. And I'm always looking for an opportunity to do that, to inspire a young woman to tell people that this is not right, you should not accept this. And I'm so proud that my daughter is like that. She is fierce, she is she takes no nonsense from anyone, be it her friends, be it a man, especially from men. She's like, ugh, well, they are already not as good as us. Why do we have to lower our standards? So I've learned a lot from her also. But I'm very proud as a mum that I was able to do this for my children. At the same time, for the first time in my life, I actually look forward to my own life. Because when I was growing up, all we were taught was like a woman has roles, a sister, a mother, a daughter, a wife. But finally I am Manisha, and there is no limit to what Manisha can be.

Trudie Marie 55:36

I love that. I think to come out of such an ordeal, to turn your pain into purpose, and to actually live your life, as you said, just as you are, with no expectations, no control, no rules, but there's a sense of freedom in just living as who you are, and you get to decide who you want to be moving forward.

Manisha 56:06

Yeah, I think that's the best thing that I can say has happened. I was attending this course. Ben Harvey said, go and dig diamonds from your past. And that's what I did. I went back to that time and I got those diamonds. Three of them, three of the most amazing gems I can see every day, right? But I also got the other gems. Like he couldn't break me. I am still happy. I am still the I would have lost only if I lost my sanity or my life or my children, right? None of that happened. I am actually much more mature, I'm smarter, I'm way more stronger. The way I see myself is a warrior. I'm a warrior, and warriors don't lose until they get defeated. So that's what I think of my life now as I slay dragons, I just clear the path for myself and my kids. Yes, the day I die, I will be dying as a content person that I did what I could my best, even when the situation was not, situation was actually heartbreaking, right? Even then I could just gather the the broken pieces of my heart, make it whole, and learn to love again. And I don't mean like a man-woman kind of love. I'm able to still look at men and not hate them. I'm still able to look at people and trust them. I think that's a win. He couldn't take that from me. He couldn't take my self-worth from me. Yes, for a little while he did, but after that I got control, and now nobody can come and say anything to me and I will believe them. Nothing at all. You could not say anything to me that would perturb me in the sense that, oh well, you might be right, I may not know this. I'm like, nah, I'm okay. I'm a complete person. Yes, there is a scope of improvement. Obviously, we are on a journey, we have to keep improving. But at the same time, I might be a work in progress, but I'm still a beautiful work in progress.

Trudie Marie 58:21

You epitomize the very essence of my podcast in being an everyday warrior. And I just want to thank you for so vulnerably sharing your story because I think for the worst part, you are not alone in that journey. And just giving a voice to it and allowing others to feel like they're being heard or they're being seen because you've had the courage to share your story and to share what it was like to actually go through that experience and leave it, gives hope to any listener out there that wants to do the same thing. So thank you so much for being here today.

Manisha 59:07

Thank you, Truly. I really that is the reason I want to tell my story is to give that hope to women out there that they should love themselves no matter what, no matter how much time it takes, it will happen and they will get their own life back.

Rebuilding Identity And Strength

Trudie Marie 59:23

And I always end the podcast by asking what is the one thing you are most grateful for today? For being in New Zealand. Thank you for tuning in to the Everyday Warriors podcast. If you have an idea for a future episode or a story you'd like to share yourself, then please reach out and message me as I am always up for real, raw, and authentic conversations with other Everyday Warriors. Also, be sure to subscribe so that you can download all the latest episodes as they are published. And spread the word to your family and friends and colleagues. So they can listen in too. If you're sharing on social media, please be sure to tag me so that I can personally acknowledge you. I am always open to comment about how these episodes have resonated with you, the listener. And remember, lead with love as you live this one wild and precious life.