Episode 53 - Gavin Hyde: Single Dad Reset

A relationship ends, the coping spirals start, and then a knock at the door changes everything. Gav takes us back to New Year’s Eve 1995 and the years that follow, when anger, anxiety, partying and marijuana are masking a deeper fear of failure. Then his boys’ mum makes a decision that flips the script, the kids come to live with him and he’s no longer a “weekend dad”. He has to become the parent in every sense of the word, with his children seeing him exactly as he is. 

We talk honestly about single father custody, the cultural bias that assumes kids belong with their mum and what happens to children when adults stay together “for the kids” inside a home full of tension. Gav shares the hard parts many people don’t say out loud, the shame, tough love, burnout, leaving shift work, surviving on a single parent’s pension and the financial strain of raising kids without meaningful support. There’s also heart in the details, from school projects and homework panic to the long-term impact of simply being there. Years later, one line from his son still lands “I’m glad that you took us in.” 

The conversation comes full circle into healing and purpose. Gav explains how personal development, kinesiology and a deep dive into mindset and emotional intelligence helped him rebuild his inner world, strengthen his relationship with his boys and eventually shape a career helping coaches and helpers communicate their story with integrity. If you’re navigating separation, co-parenting, recovery or rebuilding your life after trauma, you’ll find practical insight and real hope here. 

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Transcript

From Addiction To Two Kids

Gavin 0:00

And the hope that I can go from addicted to drugs or substance, fuelled with anger and rage running through my veins, chronically anxious, not even able to look after myself, and here I have two kids.

The Breakup And Staying For Kids

Trudie Marie 0:17

This is the Everyday Warriors Podcast, where courageous guests share the truth of what they've survived, what they've learned, and how they have rebuilt their lives. I'm your host, Trudy Marie. Listen to these stories of resilience, purpose and hope so you can remember you're not alone. Love the Everyday Warriors Podcast? It would mean the world to me if you were to leave a five-star review to ensure that the Everyday Warriors podcast is heard by more listeners around the world. You can also support the show for as little as $5 with a one-time donation or by becoming a monthly subscriber. Your contribution helps me to continue bringing you inspiring stories of everyday warriors who overcome challenges to find strength, resilience and new possibilities in life. Head to the link to buy me a coffee and fuel the next episode. Every bit counts. If you're looking for an inspiring story of resilience, healing and rediscovering yourself, then my book Everyday Warrior From Frontline to Freedom is for you. It is my memoir of hiking the 1,000km Bibbleman track, a journey that was as much about finding my way back to myself as it was about conquering the trail through the highs and lows and everything in between. This book is taken from my journals and is my raw and honest experience of overcoming trauma and embracing the strength within. Grab your copy now, just head to the link in the show notes and let's take this journey together. Welcome to another episode of the Everyday Warriors podcast. And today I have a guest with me, which I really love the story because I often speak my side of the story from a female perspective, and it's really good to hear a male's side of the story and their perspective. So please welcome Gav from New South Wales.

Gavin 2:33

Hey Trudy, thanks for having me on. I'm looking forward to sharing my story, and maybe this could be a holistic approach for both of us, and we can get some great perspectives because it seems like we're a bit of the yin and yang with our journey.

Trudie Marie 2:47

I think we are in this case because the story we're going to talk about today is about single parenting. And so often I think it is spoken about the deal the women have to go through and what our side of the story is. And so far in between are the stories of the single dads out there and what they have to go through.

Gavin 3:08

Yeah, for sure. I think it's more common now for fathers to be more present in their children's relationship in whatever that in whatever way that may be. It may be shared custody, it may be raising the children as a male. I have heard other males doing the same thing. So I feel now in this day and age, it's a little bit more common, but I'm going to sound really old, probably because I am, but back in the day, back in my day, it wasn't the common thing to do. And I remember my dad saying, very clearly, my dad saying, give the kids back to their mum where they belong. So from a male perspective, maybe, or that was my conditioning. There's a couple of things my dad said, and he also said you don't give up a government job as well. And I also thought to myself, there's a lot of things that I don't listen to what you say and do what you say as well. So yes, looking forward to sharing, sharing my side of the story.

Trudie Marie 4:04

I love that. And your story really does take us back because you became a single parent like nearly 30 years ago. Literally in a couple of months, it'll be 30 years ago.

Gavin 4:19

Thanks for reminding. I had never really thought of it from that perspective. It was the time when I found out it was New Year's Eve 1995, although the relationship wasn't even on the rocks. It was already wreckage on the rocks at that point in time. And I think it was my wanting to hold things together to stay in the relationship for the kids. Like you make your bed, you lie in it, so to speak, and we weren't married, but it was like here it is, and this is the cards I've been dealt with, and this is the hand that I need to play. So yeah, you're right. It was it'll be 30 years ago when the penny dropped this year.

Trudie Marie 5:03

Yeah, and I think it's interesting that you brought up is, and I can say this, I think safely for so many relationships, that the common verbiage of we stay together for the kids. We never think about each other and what we become as parents and as human beings inside of living in a really shitty relationship and what that's doing to our children.

Gavin 5:29

Oh, absolutely. It's like you put up and let's say put up and shut up, and what underlying or secret messages, because the kids are very impressionable as they're growing up, at certain ages, they're just like sponges until they get their own mind and make their own decision. But that's what's being passed on, and so there's lessons that are that they're learning or their belief systems, their values are being formed from their environment. And so it was ugly, it was horrible. And when I think back, I am grateful that my ex and my boy's mum that she didn't want this to work out because I would have hung in there. So I'm grateful that she was so that this isn't for her. So I yeah, I I can appreciate, I really do appreciate when I reflect back that she just didn't want to be part of it. So I thank her again.

Anger Coping And Numbing Out

Trudie Marie 6:25

Yeah, and I think there's something to be said for the being grateful of a situation because it does make you responsible, it does make you accountable, and it really has you look at who you're being, not just inside of the relationship, but who you're being in life in general.

Gavin 6:42

I was a mess like at that point in time, because the outcome and where it was moving to really wasn't what I wanted. And so when you let's say you feel stuck, maybe even trapped, if I'm whispering that one, maybe a little trapped, or I trapped myself. And so when you're in a place where you really don't want to be, you have to put a mask on. And so my way of dealing with that was just smoking copious amounts of pot because that helped me to get out of it or disconnect from probably a whole lot of negative thoughts. I kind of say I had rage flowing through my veins because I was I was angry because I felt like I failed me, I failed the kids, I failed her. I just I didn't think life was gonna go down that way, and it was so far from the vision that I had in my life of really where I wanted to be. Even like I was in my mid to later 20s, it just life wasn't turning out as I'd seen or I'd planned. It was just that was my way of not dealing with my emotions, or you could say that was my way of dealing with my emotions by suppressing them all, so I wouldn't have to feel anything.

Trudie Marie 8:00

I totally get it, and I want to address two things that you said there. The first is how we actually deal with stuff, because there are so many people out there who become dependent on whatever their substance of choice is. And I say substance because it doesn't necessarily have to be like drugs or alcohol. It could be food, it could be self-harm in some way, it could be going to the other nth degree and becoming like a physical fitness sort of junkie that puts yourself into really difficult positions, sorry, that you just use it as a coping mechanism to get through so you don't have to deal with real life. So thank you for being vulnerable and sharing that aspect. But the second part I want to look at is the fact that you said is that life wasn't going the way you thought it would. And I think that there is a societal expectation that we basically get through school, we find a partner, we get married, we buy a house, we have kids. And then when anything doesn't go in that way, and it doesn't follow that kind of general rule or norm of society, that the minute something goes wrong, we feel like failures, which then leads worse to that substance abuse.

The Knock On The Door Shift

Gavin 9:26

You must know this story, and I know that you do because you've lived it yourself. And right now I can only just nod my head and I have to agree with you that's it's just all of that. And so for me, the wake-up call it didn't happen until sometime after the last split, which split everything, which was New Year's Eve 1995. It's interesting because I've never made the correlation because I went out for New Year's Eve in 1995, had a great time, and came home early hours of no 1996, and I couldn't get the key in the lock. And so I think I was either drunk, well, I was drunk, or the double dead lock was on, or my boy's mum, she had changed the lock. And when I couldn't get the key in the lock, that's when I realized that I remember saying to myself that this is over. But the correlation that just sparked in my mind was, and we weren't married, so I I've had one marriage and I'm married now, but we got married on New Year's Eve. So wow, for some other reasons, but I hadn't made the connection to wow, that's that's a bit of maze balls, isn't it? You know, when you're the lights kind of turn on. So from that point forward, back in 1995 into 1996, yeah, there was a lot of I got addicted to the gym. I was already addicted to the marijuana to suppress my emotions and dealing with it. But then I went to the gym a lot, I lost a lot of weight. On the outside, I it was like I was looking like I was dealing with it, but it was a little bit of a I'll show you, and because I was hurt, so I used that fuel to lose the weight, but that anger can only be utilized for so long until you're exhausted. I partied hard for about two years. I did see my kids in between, but I was the words coming to my mind, I was just flaky, I wasn't present, I was still angry, and I really wasn't part of their life until the day must have been what 1998 maybe that my boy's mum was knocking on the door, open the door and to a knock, and there was my my boy's mum and the boys were there, and she just said, I'm getting out of Sydney. I I think that you can raise the kids, and we'll talk about it again in six or eight months' time. And inside of me, decisions were made, thoughts were had, and I'm like, they're never coming back. So it was like a little bit like I'd won. Because I think in relationships, or in my experience, maybe it's not for everyone, I've got a feeling that it is when both parties haven't healed. So I can say now, hey, I've got appreciation and gratitude for the whole journey, but that wasn't the Gavin back then. He was angry, furious, even abandoned, really, when I think about it, although I had to get on with it. I just I remember kind of thinking, I've won. And couples in in that have split can fight and tug a war and use the kids in the middle. Now, if we then reflect back on your question about what impression does that have on the kids, that's ugly as well. That's not great. So I think my boy's mum leaving and getting out of Sydney was a good thing because I didn't have anyone really to argue with. And because she was like eight hours away, it was like it ended up being a school holidays thing where she saw the kids. But the identities of myself were fluxing because before that I was the weekend dad take the kids to attempt bowling and to Pizza Heart and to the movies, and I still wasn't present, I was entertaining them and I was trying to give them my love because I really didn't know, like I hadn't really built a long relationship with them. And so what occurred for me was I needed to find answers because I was in a horrible place. Finally, they could see me because I had them all the time, and so the things that I was hiding, I couldn't hide anymore, and I wasn't a role model that I wanted to be for them. I know this is all me. It's like when I looked in their eyes, I felt shame because kids are innocent, and when I looked at them, all of the behaviours, the things that I'd done, the not being present, the drugs, the not seeing them, the anger, and probably me using them as pawns. Like I'm like in in the play here in the chess game, I needed to sort myself out fast.

Trudie Marie 14:22

The universe literally gave it to you the day she knocked on the door. And I think what you said is that there is this sort of stereotypical notion in society that when the parents split, the mother gets custody of the kids, the dad gets visitation, the dads get this easy ride because they just get to do all the fun stuff on the weekends with them, and they don't have to do any of the actual parenting. And you were literally living that life for the first two years, but not feeling great about yourself, dealing with the anger, using a substance to soothe, to then turn around and have her knock on the door and go, right, be a parent in every essence of the word, and have your children see you exactly as you are. And you have two choices in that moment. You can either step up to the plate and be that man that is a mentor to your boys, or you can just keep spiraling down. So, how did that change your life moving forward?

Quitting Substances And Leaving Shift Work

Starting Over On A Pension

Relearning Parenting And Finding Support

Gavin 15:27

Well, that's the gift, isn't it? That you said the universe presented the opportunity. I feel like that's the gift that my boy's mum gave me was the gift of being responsible. And so, how did it change my life? Well, I everything changed. I had to stop smoking pot or the substance abuse. I've never really said substance abuse, but I'll go with that one because that's stronger. Like I can just like oh, just smoking pot's not bad for you. It corrupts your thinking, your communication, your biochemistry. I know that because I lived it. So I was working, I was a shift worker at that point in time. So although my dad said give the boys back to their mum where they belong, and I was a shift worker, I actually worked for the railways, and he helped out on when I was doing shift work, but ultimately it it was maybe six or eight months. I just couldn't do the shift work and then look after the kids. And any mums out there, they would know that it's not an easy, it's like, oh, you just drop the kids off and you've got all this time for yourself, and then you pick the key, you know, you drop them off at 8:30 and pick them up at 3:30. It's like all the things that you've got to do in between. There's actually no time. And so working shift work and juggling that, I burnt out. And so I was trying to find a way where the railways back at that point in time would give me a nice handshake and say, You're a good fella, but that didn't happen, so I left. And so I went from working and I also had two wages at that point in time as well. So I had the herbal business industry because it was like, Well, I'm not paying for it, so I'll just buy in bulk, keep some for myself, and just share it with my friends. Now, that's an interesting thought now. When I think about that, that my friends that I thought were my friends or my associates, in that like when I moved and I stopped that business, I didn't see them anymore. So they weren't really my friends. So, you know, that saying that the people you hang around with have a huge effect on you, that is true. So I went from having a bit of cash flow and then I had a job to becoming a single parent on a single parent's pension, and that was tough, but I needed to, and then I moved out of the area I'd lived my whole life because like I had this very similar to what you said. You leave school, you get married, you have kids, you buy a house, and you live happily ever after. Well, that dream turned into a nightmare. I didn't get married, we didn't really have the house. There was actually there was one thing that we agreed upon, my my ex and I, my boy's mum. We said that we're not going to have anyone tell us what to do with the kids, like with court orders. So we did agree on that, and so that that didn't occur. Everything else was just horrible. But my life changed so much that I went from an identity to I moved out of the area that I live to a whole new area that I could actually afford on a single parent's pension, and I started my life again and to build a relationship with my kids. And I had a little bit of money, not much, but I used that and I re-educated myself because for one, I needed to find out why bad things happened to good people. That means I'm a good person. I'm not saying the boy's mum wasn't, I'm just saying I was, which was they weren't really bad things, but it's like we all go through stuff, adversity, and so this is my journey, this was my life, and so I used the last little bit of money that I had, and I'm like, what could I do that can support us or hopefully support us, but still be there for the kids and schooling? And so I enrolled in a diploma of sports therapy because I like sport, I like massage. I'm like, yeah, maybe I could do that, and I can earn some money around the time of the boy when the boys are at school, and they were four and six, I think, something like that back then. They were young, so I re-educated myself at the same time. I was I had met someone who's now my wife. I feel very blessed and guided that I I had met someone and she was like just a light, she really was a light for me. Although we didn't move in together because she said with much wisdom, you need to sort yourself out, and also you need to start a relationship with your kids, and you don't want she didn't feel it would be best for anyone and for her to be in there. So although we were together, we weren't like it was my responsibility was raising the kids. I remember going to see a kinesiologist for a long time. My wife now her name is Kim. Just there were so many synchronicities when I met her. It was like, and you may well be aware of this yourself, Trudy, or even your listeners. It was like I'd experienced the dark or the yin or the yang, I just know the dark, or the not so great, and then he was this just beautiful, unconditional, loving lady that it took me years to be able to even take that on board that I was lovable. Because you all your stuff comes up, you know. Your kids, for those that have kids, your kids will hit your buttons, they'll bring up your stuff. I remember I liked the social side of school when I was at school, but the academic side, my brain's not wasn't wired for the schooling system. So here I am now, like, kids are bringing home homework, and I didn't know how to help them. You asked the question, how did it change my life? I felt helpless. There's no book or manual. I could talk to my dad, but he would just tell me what not to do. Like, hey, I'm in this spot. What should I do? Don't do this and don't do this, and don't do this, and don't okay, great. So, what should I do? I don't know, but just don't do these things. And so that really wasn't much help. I I suppose it was I was fortunate to have Kim back then and to see a different way of parenting, although she had split up with her husband, and it was just at least I had something to track against to make decisions, because my ex and I still couldn't work things out, and I didn't really value her opinion either. And so we'd have conversations about things, and we were, I'm just like, we're just like on two different pages. But it was this one day my son came home from school and there was like an Easter hat parade, and I don't consider or didn't then consider myself very creative. At making things. You've got to make the hat and do all the things that mums do, which I take my hat off to all the mums for doing all of those things. And I so what did I do? I was like, oh, what do we do? And the only idea that I come up with was let's do a let's dress you as where's Wally. So his school uniform was like a red maroon type top. So I got white masking tape and taped it around him so he looked like Where's Wally? And he had a red and white beanie, and we just I got him some glasses. That was it. That was my spin-on being creative for Easter hat parade way back in the day. So my whole life changed because I had to find answers, I had to sort myself out. I went from earning money in a legal and legal ways to then being a single parent on a single parent's pension. So all the judgment that I've made about people on welfare and stuff like that. And really, I was just surviving. I was just trying to keep my head above water. I was learning at the same time back at college, and but I was also going to see this a kinesiologist, and that just blew my mind. If anyone's experienced kinesiology with a great kinesiologist, it just blew my mind, and that took me down the rabbit hole of this mind-body thing. And I was like, How does that all work? How does what you think about bring about stuff in your life? And so I just went down this rabbit hole of learning and applying, and I started to find myself and find answers and help my kids with some things, and people were like, Hey, can you help me? And that's where it all started back then. And I remember ringing my kinesiologist one day and saying, I don't know why I'm ringing you, but I'm just letting you know wherever you're going, I'm right behind you. And so opportunities opened themselves up way back then, and that kind of started me on a whole different path. So bit of a long-winded way to answer your question, but my whole life changed.

Trudie Marie 24:04

No, thank you for being so vulnerable and sharing how it changed, because I think one of the things that you said, and this is relatable for any parent, whether you're separated or together, is that there is no instruction manual for being a parent. It is a learn as you go experience. And yes, we all make mistakes, yes, we reflect on our own childhoods and go, well, we don't want to do what our parents did and we want to make changes, but that doesn't always work either. And you just have to go with the flow. Inside of all of that, what was your relationship like with your boys at the time? How were they reacting to you sorting yourself out?

Tough Love And Building Trust

Gavin 24:50

That's a good question. How are they reacting? How are they reacting? I don't really know how they like we've spoken about everything, and so as kids, they just deal with things differently, they get on with life. I think there was a lot of tough love on my side of things because I just didn't have the ability. I probably did or the capability, and like even cooking. Another story comes to mind if we talk about tough love, and I'm getting some more answers around how did they react to that. There was tough love because I I felt I had to make decisions today based on who that I wanted them to be at 25 and 26, and so it was tough because I had to be hard, but that's the bit about my dad that I didn't want to be, which that was bringing up my my my stuff. But I had to be that because I wanted them to be responsible and respectable adults when they got to 25 and 26. Now making some collar colorations, correlations, correlations that too. I'm making that too with some coriander. I just looked out my window there at the veggie patch. I feel that I needed to make those decisions then because I didn't want them to be like end up where I ended up, and I wasn't dealing with stuff. So there was a lot of tough love, but there was also a vision that I needed to make decisions now for their future. They accepted it because I think that it gave them a sense of safety and security. Maybe that they didn't experience with their mum. I'm not sure. Because I really can't say because I wasn't there, I'm only assuming. I I love them, I think that they realize that I love them. We would play a lot, and so it would be sport. And so I think I'm getting a bit teary. I just remember something that my son said, Whew. I wrote in a multi-author book back in 20 in COVID time, somewhere, and I shared the book, the chapter with my son, my elder son, and I said, Did you read it? He's like, Nah, I got my wife to read it. I'm like, Okay, great. I said, What did you think? And he said, I'm glad that you took us in. So, yeah, I'm still emotional about that, but I think I'm proud of that. So that's a reflection of years later, and sure there was a lot of tough love, but I think for my older son who doesn't open up much, that probably sums it up. And it was like it was hard, it was like really hard, like not having the money for them to go on an excursion. Back then, my only way, apart from earning money through starting to massage, and then I became a kinesiologist and started to teach people kinesiology, was getting credit through GE Finance or through someone that would throw the money at you and then charge you 25 and 26% interest. And I remember my my younger son was in fifth class, and he became really he had a talent for athletics, and he could just run like the wind. I don't know where he gets it from because not me. No one in our family runs, but he just had this ability, and so he would say, Hey, I just I want to do this, and he would win that event and win the next event, and all of a sudden he's New South Wales champion and Australian champion, and uh, we never had holidays, it was sporting events. It was like, oh well, we'll go because it's a sporting event. And I remember he got selected to represent New South Wales in the national championships when he was in fifth class, and it was in Darwin. So in Sydney we're gonna go to Darwin, and the joke was even years later, maybe even five years ago, I'm still paying off that loan to Darwin. That so it was like money was tough, it was tough on your own. And I also remember my boy's mum ringing me at one point and having a brain explosion at me because she hadn't paid maintenance and it was only like five dollars a week for each kid, but she owed me $250 and she blew up at me because I hadn't taken notice that she hadn't paid child maintenance because she apparently didn't work. I didn't get support financially from her, emotionally, there was no support, and I didn't really value it anyway, so it was tough. Like it was.

Trudie Marie 29:29

I can only begin to imagine how tough it was, in the sense that as a mother, and I don't get me wrong, I know that there are fathers out there who avoid paying child support for whatever reason that they don't think it's appropriate to look after the children that they've helped bring into this world and shirk their responsibilities. But at the same time, as a single mother who did receive child support payments from my children's father, and that helped to go a long way. But for you doing it, not only are you on some kind of pension to support your boys, and we're talking like 30 odd years ago, but you're not getting any support from your children's mother because she's not working either, that you're in a really difficult position trying to actually do the best you can. And I can relate to it, you are literally in survival mode, and it's almost like you will give your last breath or your last piece of bread or your last penny to your children to make sure that they have a really good time. But what you just said then about making sure the holidays were going to the sporting events and that that was like your holiday. I remember on the flip side for me of actually having to turn around and say to my daughter that she couldn't do cheerleading anymore because I couldn't afford it and I couldn't afford to send her on an international trip. Now that broke my heart, and I know for her, it broke her heart too, because it's the last thing you want to have to do as a parent. But then I suppose where I'm leading to in this is that your son reflecting and saying, I'm really glad you took us in, because we can only begin to imagine what that was like for your boys having their mum turn around and say, actually, no, I don't want to look after you anymore. I'm gonna give you to be your dad to look after. That brings up a whole bunch of trauma for them. Let's not get started on the childhood trauma for that. But for as adults to then reflect and say, you know what, dad, you did the best you could. That's all we can ever ask for as parents, is that we did the best we could.

Gavin 31:54

Yep. I totally get all of that, and there's emotions that run deep. Sorry, just something in my throat.

Trudie Marie 32:05

Don't be afraid to own those.

Money Stress And Sporting Sacrifices

Gavin 32:08

Oh no, I'm totally transparent with that, like it's powerful because I've probably not celebrated that's probably not the right word, really acknowledged. I'm I remember having a conversation with my wife about two weeks ago, and we both she's had a hard trot, but we're not gonna get into that. But we both realized that I'll say these words was like I felt like there was a lot of sacrifices, not that I felt like I sacrificed, it's not like, oh poor me, I had to give up stuff for them, but it's what you do. I had two choices to do it or not do it, but I feel that that choice to to raise my kids was a really tough one financially, emotionally, but it was like I I feel like I sat because if I think if I stayed on the railways all that time now, what space would I be in? Well, maybe I might be better off financially. I can only assume, but I think that if I stayed in that place that I didn't feel valued, that wasn't fulfilling, that I'd probably be sick with some illness. So I feel that there's something about doing something that's important out of love that doesn't have a monetary gain that has left me now feeling fulfilled. There's no hole in my life of what should have been, could have been, if only I would have had more time with the kids. There's no gap, although that journey is full of memories. As I said, I've not really acknowledged that it was tough stuff. So I think in reflection, and that was where I was reflect my wife and I were reflecting, we may not have been able to provide, let's say, on that financial side, but emotional intelligence, the ability for the boys to make better decisions that I made and even have to have a relationship with my kids. Like my relationship with my dad was I was just scared of him. He was a yeller, and I was just scared of him. I'm able to my my boys can ring me now, and I don't have to, I don't give them advice, we just talk and they they've got stuff that they need to work out. We just have a conversation, they know that I'm gonna ask them questions. I'm not gonna give them answers, I'm gonna ask them questions to help them to come to a conclusion to make the choice that's right for them. And I feel that that is that's rich.

Trudie Marie 34:45

A hundred percent. Like it's not about yes, you lose or you may lose some financial gain inside of being a single parent, but you can never take away the emotional spiritual connection of actually being a parent and being there for your kids in a way that money can't buy. And that's the richness that you just described is that when you can sit as a parent, and I know your boys must be in their 30s now, given that it's 30 years ago since you became a single parent, my children are in their mid-20s, and for a long time I could not even acknowledge just being a good mum. But now I can sit and go, you know what? I did the best job I could, and I raised two bloody good kids. And that in itself, as an acknowledgement to yourself for what you've done and what you've created, I think that's all we can ask for. If we can look at our children and go, you know what, they turned out all right, they're happy with their lives and what they're doing and what they're creating in the world, then we did the best job we could do.

Gavin 35:56

Yeah, yeah. I yep, I agree. I think that vision that I had for them to be responsible and respectful adults, I think is happening. Sure, they'd probably do some crazy stuff and probably don't tell me about it.

Trudie Marie 36:09

But don't we all?

Fulfilment Over Financial Gain

Gavin 36:11

I did a lot. I pushed the envelope a lot, so I don't probably really need to hear about it, but I know that like with my elder son when he got into a relationship, he's now married. I could see him and his wife together, obviously his girlfriend at the time, and it was like, wow, he's just happy and that was awesome. And my younger son, he's happy where he's at. He's still kicking goals in things that he likes to do in his career, which is great, and so I'm really proud of them. And yeah, it's been there's a yeah, there's a lot of richness in the experience when I reflect back, a lot of wisdom, a lot of appreciation for maybe I just haven't acknowledged myself a lot. I think I acknowledge the my boy's mum for it. Must have been a tough decision for her. Obviously, we only ever do things that are gonna be right for us, but as a mum, to give up your kids, that must have been huge for her. Probably in her life, it was the best decision for her, but it's like there's a gap, there's a hole in her life that she can't fill. And so I don't even know what that would be like. It would if I and I can only imagine if I was the the part-time father, I would have you'd have to have regrets. You'd you'd have to. I just can't say because of the journey that I went through. I'm like, it's complete, it's full, yeah. There's many things, but we've got memories. Now, to not have that, you've got to be in that river in Egypt, the denial. You'd have to be denying things within yourself that you know that you missed out on. I know with the work that I do, it's like just helping people to really get some emotional intelligence. Not to say, hey, look at me, I'm emotionally intelligent, but it's like to deal with emotions. Because you don't learn that either at school.

Trudie Marie 38:11

Very true.

Gavin 38:12

And I I think we're just evolving beings, creatures, humans, and we're just evolving through our life experience. So our stuff is always coming up, and it's always reflected in the outside world. So I feel that although it was tough, I made some really good decisions to find the answers and to educate myself, to clean myself up to be the best version I could be for my sons, and that's a that that's an asset because I just fell in love with the brain and the mind and psychology and why we do things and how it all works. That I spent ever since that point in time learning, growing, and that became the career in helping people because I just feel that if you've solved a problem in your life, that you can help others, and all of my life it just seems that I've got this sticker or this sign on my forehead that says, Hey, you seem friendly, and can I ask you a question? And so I think that by nature wanting to help, it's probably part of my nature that I've been able to express through raising my kids. So I can see as I can only see as much as I can both sides, like how it might be for mums and how it can be for dads. But you know, once again, just that decision that my boy's mum made back then must have been tough for her.

Trudie Marie 39:38

I think every decision we make as parents is a tough one. In the good, the bad, and the ugly. We make decisions at the time that we think are right for every person involved. And we keep pushing forward, and we have to live with the consequences of those decisions, regardless of how it turns out in the end. And we take with us what we can. It's and it's up to us to choose whether we focus on the negatives of that experience or whether we take the positives and what we got out of life as a result of it instead. And I suppose for you, over the last 30 years, it's created who Gav is today. What is it that you do now as a career and as a life, having been on that journey?

Turning Pain Into A Career Helping Others

Gavin 40:31

Well, I'm still helping people, which is I'm still helping myself, but I'm still helping people, and I think it's the ability to be able to listen to what's underneath someone's really saying. Because I I feel that there's two conversations going on, and one is what do you want to hear, and what do I feel that I need to show you, and really what's going on. So, what I do now is a whole lot of 26 years of kind of solving problems that I solve. So, I what problems did I solve? I had to create an inner dialogue within myself to be able to see. I think you mentioned the negative and the positive, but actually both, because I think if you can see both sides of the coin, then you can see the situation from a different perspective, creating a harmonious inside of me, listening to people through conversation. So it's it would have to be emotional intelligence. But what are the other problems that I solve? Well, that was one how to make money, that's two, because it was like, how do you do this? And so the business that I have is I work with a lot of coaches, and coaches love helping people. I've never really said, Well, hey, I'm a coach. I've done coaching, I've taught people modalities and been the practitioner and the therapist, but it's more of I feel a bit of a spiritual approach with business, but it's how you articulate that. There's people in business do business, people more on the path that are looking for purpose talk more spiritually. A lot of coaches that I talk to they struggle with promoting themselves and talking about themselves. I've no problems in saying the stuff because I felt like I've healed it and I've owned it. I think a lot of people that come into the personal development space and even how that is now, they haven't done the healing work. It's one-sided, it's a little bit like what's the objective? Well, this is the goal, and this is the action plan, and I can help you to be accountable to get to that. But it's all the patterns underneath that people struggle with, which is themselves, most likely their identity. And now on the other side of it, you've got the therapy. And so therapy works with all what's the problem, and so then you do therapy around the problem, and you never really get a solution. You're just let's say going around clearing stuff or shifting stuff. So I think what sets me aside is that I did that work and then I learned the other side of it, which is that both sides are the coin, and it's like it is a real holistic approach that I feel that people still are evolving, and it's okay that you've got your stuff, but you still need to apply processes to help you with that when because it when life is going fine, it's all dandy, but when it's not, that's when that leadership comes in, that's when the experiences of adversity and resilience come in. It really goes full circle back to hey, I was in this relationship and it was crap, but I was I made a decision that I'd just stick out and put up with it. So I think there's a lot of people in the coaching industry that put up with stuff, they want to be something, but they really haven't healed. So they can't talk authentically about their journey and inspire people. And in this industry, it's not about your package or your program, it's the essence of the person, it's how you articulate your. Story. And so over all these years, putting all of that together, I just help them to get seen because that's important. So I really love helping the coaches get seen, get booked, and get paid for doing what they love.

Trudie Marie 44:13

I love that you've been able to bring it full circle and that everything that you struggled with or dealt with or had to deal with throughout the last 30 years of being a single dad is that you've been able to find a way to put that to purpose now so that other people don't have to go through necessarily the same things. And it's not just about being a single dad, it's like you said, you help coaches, but with the same underlying values of what's important, what works, what doesn't work, and how people can live more fulfilled lives in the end.

The Course That Changed Everything

Gavin 44:50

Yeah, it's it for me, what's really exciting is people have ideas all the time. But when you can help them to pull out that idea or that intellectual property, have an idea, and then learn how to communicate or articulate that in a way that is gonna make a difference to someone else's life, and then they can make money, that's winning big time. So I think when I look back at that, that's the metaphor of my life that I just love helping people in this personal development space. That's genuine. I think in our industry, what we're helping people with is we're we're presenting an idea of hope, and the hope that I can go from addicted to drugs or substance fueled with anger and rage running through my veins, chronically anxious, not even able to look after myself. And here I have two kids that I went to I went to a personal development event, and I got that drunk in the daytime, and then I smoked some marijuana before I went, and I actually a friend took me, I fell asleep in the car on the way to the event, but I remember that I was at this event, I can still see the lady there in my mind, and she was pointing, she was on the stage, and I'm like, I need that. So there's something that she said that sparked something in me, and I signed up for the course, and that course changed everything because what I learned in that course was oh, the model that I'd been living in, the instructions in my mind, the instructions for what I was looking for needed were on the outside of the box. I just needed to have the courage to step out of that to explore, oh, this can be something. So I did this course when was it a long time ago? I did the course, and kind of the synchronicities that happened were that two weeks after the course I met my now wife Kim that I didn't know was gonna be my wife, but I saw her as well, and she just it was just like she had this light around her, this light, and I'm like, I want one of those. It lit up something inside of my mind, and two weeks after I did that course, and I took responsibility for the relationship, and I said to my ex, Hey, I need to put my hand up here and say I was responsible for stuff, and I apologize for my part. Two months later, my son's come to live with me. A year after I did that first course, I'd left the railways and I actually signed up for that diploma of sports therapy. So there's been a lot of synchronicities, but the vision always the vision had always been there. That's why I'm passionate about doing what I do. You ask me, like, who do I help? Well, it could be anyone, and it's been anyone, and it's been everyone. When I first started, it was like, yeah, this stuff is awesome. You need help, just come. What I've learned now is that there's some people that I like working with and people that I don't like working with.

Trudie Marie 47:49

Well, thank you for that. And I will drop links to your contacts, whether it's your website or your social media, so that any listeners who want to work with you can connect with you. And I just want to take the opportunity to say thank you for sharing your story on the podcast episode today, and for just taking us on a journey that's been across like 30 years and almost proving that you can come back from the shadows and be given a second chance and completely turn your life around. So thank you for being with me today.

Gavin 48:27

Yeah, you're welcome. What do they say? The comeback is better than the setback. And we we all have the tools, it's just a matter of it's just all in your head. I don't might sound weird, but it's like if you can get a hold of this thing inside of your mind and get charge of it and make it work for you, like life happens for you, not to you.

Trudie Marie 48:49

Totally agree. And I always finish the podcast by asking, what is the one thing you are most grateful for today?

Gavin 48:57

The thing I'm most grateful for today is my mum. She's just this I don't even know what you could call it, angel of unconditional love. And no matter what I do, I'm still her baby, and I'm always gonna be in her good books. My mum said something that kind of landed the other day, and she said, and I was sharing some stuff with the boys and the stuff that's happening in our life, and she said, That's what you do for family. And I think for the first time I could actually feel it and take it on board that I felt like enough that I actually belonged. So I've been in this space and doing this work on myself for the 25-26 years. So I'm grateful for my mum because she just shows me the light of just be unconditional and just be grateful for everything. And so I'm grateful that she's still here and I spend as much time as I can with her because who knows what's going to happen tomorrow.

Trudie Marie 50:04

Thank you for tuning in to the Everyday Warriors podcast. If you have an idea for a future episode or a story you'd like to share yourself, then please reach out and message me as I am always up for real, raw, and authentic conversations with other Everyday Warriors. Also, be sure to subscribe so that you can download all the latest episodes as they are published. And spread the word to your family and friends and colleagues so they can listen in too. If you're sharing on social media, please be sure to tag me so that I can personally acknowledge you. I'm always open to comment about how these episodes have resonated with you, the listener. And remember, lead with love as you live this one wild and precious life.