Episode 60 - Tracy Cox: Surviving the Care System

A social worker and a police officer turn up at a child’s school and say, “You’re coming with us, you won’t be coming home tonight.” Tracy remembers her knees going weak, not from fear, but relief: “Oh my God, I’ve been saved.” That moment opens a conversation you won’t forget about childhood trauma, foster care abuse, and what it takes to rebuild a life when safety was never guaranteed. 

We trace Tracy’s early years through abandonment, children’s homes and foster placements where abuse, neglect and coercion were normalised. She explains the survival skills that follow you into adulthood such as people pleasing, trauma bonding, emotional shutdown and the constant habit of reading the room. We also unpack the systemic failures that kept children in harm’s way and what it’s like to later read official reports that confirm professionals saw the signs and still didn’t act. 

Then we move into the turning points where books were a lifeline, education was a way out and the high-achieving “Superwoman” phase that hid complex PTSD and burnout. Tracy shares how parenting brought old abandonment wounds to the surface, why she chose EMDR therapy and how learning about attachment theory and generational trauma helped her change the pattern for her daughters. She also speaks about taking social services to court, receiving an apology and the complicated kind of closure that brings. 

If you care about trauma-informed healing, resilience, complex PTSD recovery, and real stories from the care system, press play, then subscribe, share this with someone who needs it, and leave a review so more people can find these conversations.

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Transcript

A Rescue Moment At School

Tracy 0:00

So when I was 11, I had a social worker and a policeman turn up at my school and say, You're coming with us, you won't be coming home tonight. And I remember going weak at the knees, like, oh my God, I've been saved. Woohoo! And what had happened was my brother had gone in, and actually, for once, one of the teachers had noticed the bruising on his body. I mean, we'd all had it and we had them consistently, but actually a kind teacher had noticed it and phoned the police, and he'd been taken to hospital to have it seen to.

Welcome And Listener Safety Warning

Trudie Marie 0:35

This is the Everyday Warriors Podcast, where courageous guests share the truth of what they've survived, what they've learned, and how they have rebuilt their lives. I'm your host, Trudy Marie. Listen to these stories of resilience, purpose, and hope so you can remember you're not alone. Please note that the following podcast may contain discussions or topics that could be triggering or distressing for some listeners. I aim to provide informative and supportive content, but understand that certain things may evoke strong emotions or memories. If you find yourself feeling overwhelmed or in need of support while listening, I encourage you to pause the podcast and take a break. Remember that it is okay to prioritise your well-being and seek assistance from trained professionals. There is no shame in this. In fact, it is the first brief step to healing. If you require immediate support, please consider reaching out to Lifeline on 13, 11, 14 or a crisis intervention service in your area. Thank you for listening and please take care of yourself as you engage with the content of this podcast. Love the Everyday Warriors Podcast? It would mean the world to me if you were to leave a five-star review to ensure that the Everyday Warriors podcast is heard by more listeners around the world. You can also support the show for as little as $5 with a one-time donation or by becoming a monthly subscriber. Your contribution helps me to continue bringing you inspiring stories of everyday warriors who overcome challenges to find strength, resilience, and new possibilities in life. Head to the link to buy me a coffee and fuel the next episode. Every bit counts. Welcome to another episode of the Everyday Warriors Podcast. And today my guest is calling in from Spain, and we connected by through an actual women's group, I think it was, and we both have our own podcast. So I was a guest on hers, and she is now reciprocating and being a guest on mine. So please welcome to the show, Tracy.

Tracy 3:09

Hi Trudie, how are you?

Trudie Marie 3:11

I'm good. I'm so glad that we get to do this and have a chat again in a completely different way.

Tracy 3:17

Yeah, it's the second time in two months or a month rather. So it's I'm looking forward to it.

Abandonment And Entering Care

Trudie Marie 3:23

Glad to hear. And your story starts. I want to take you right back because you're a similar age to me, but right back to when you were about three years old.

Tracy 3:33

Yeah. So I wanted to talk today to you about abandonment and being in the care system. And I think it's just because I've thought about the patterns that the formation of that happening in childhood kind of impacts on me as an adult. So yeah, at three years old, my mother left, and I was I came from a family of four, so I have two brothers and a sister, and it was a difficult time for her. And as marriages do, they break up. We were in Germany at the time because my dad was in the army at that time, and she left. She got up one day and she just left. And I actually remember the day that she did leave because it was quite traumatic at that time, and then we had to come back to England, we had to move back because obviously, in those days in the 70s, men, especially in the forces, weren't allowed to keep children. There wasn't really nannies there, there wasn't really any support for him. So then it must have been about a few months later, he then had to put us into children's homes, into care homes. So that was the week before my fourth birthday, actually, that he also had to leave. So again, I can remember that day that he had to leave us at the children's home and running down this long, very long road after he'd gone thinking he was picking us up. And it was a really obviously difficult time. Two brothers, a sister as well, in quite a big care home in Harrogate in North Yorkshire. And that was a row of about 10 different houses, all with probably around 10 to 15 children in them, and we had adults in there that we had to call auntie and uncle. So it was a really kind of a bit of a strange time for us at that time, and yeah, it was just unusual, I suppose. I had to be separated from my sister at that time as well, because she'd started showing different behaviours towards me, quite aggressive. So they moved me there as well. And that was the start of my life in the children's homes and in the care system, and it progressively got worse from there. And I didn't realize, and I suppose I didn't realise growing up, the impact that that start had on not just myself, but my family as well.

Trudie Marie 5:52

When you say that like that, young, like a young age of three or four, when you're just starting to establish your own family dynamics, like I don't know where you were in the sibling order, but you're still so young that you don't know life outside that family. So to have your mother leave and you're like, okay, there goes one person that I'm supposed to be nurtured by and cared for by, and then your dad having to move you back from Germany to the UK to then support you and your siblings, and then he has to give it up as well, and he walks away. You're now like, well, what does this mean for the rest of my life? I can only begin to imagine how tough that is. So it's hard enough when we do it as teenagers and young adults, let alone do it as a three and four-year-old.

Tracy 6:46

Yeah. I think that probably looking back, it took away my ability to control my life and to have control in my life. I was the youngest of four, and so I saw my, I think, well, obviously, I was three, my sister's five years older than me. She was really struggling, and she does have learning difficulties, which made her obviously not be able to handle the chaos and everything else that was ensuing. My brother, though, it was really interesting because even though my mum and dad had gone, my brother, the next one up from me, so he's two years different, he took on that role of nurturer and caregiver. So I can remember quite fondly going to him when I needed comfort and when I needed something. And he was the next thing to me that that was my support system.

Violence In Children’s Homes

Tracy 7:36

So yeah, it was a different time because when we went to two children's homes, and the first one, unfortunately, you've probably heard it in the newspapers, there was lots of abuse going on in the 70s. And the first children's home that we went to, there was a couple of staff members there, one in particular that took a bit of a dislike to me, maybe because I was young and I cried, and he was quite abusive physically at that time as well. And I can remember getting taken into a room because I'd been crying and kicked from one side of the wall to the other because I couldn't stop. And at that age, it's it's hard because you don't have the capacity to understand what's going on, and again, that adds to the lack of control of yourself and what you say, what you do. And I think that was my turning point, really, to become withdrawn within myself and quite uh what's the word, afraid of the world?

Trudie Marie 8:32

I can totally understand why, because you're a young child and you're crying and you miss your mum and your dad, and you don't know what's going on, and all of a sudden this stranger is physically violent towards you. Did you find that as you started to grow up, getting older as a child into teenagehood, did you start to suppress your emotions as a result of that? Like you kept everything bottled up?

Tracy 8:59

Um, definitely. And it wasn't just that cause because what happened after we went into the second children's home, I mean, that was a beautiful place. They called it the National Children's Home. And the people there, although they were our auntie and uncles, they were very caring and looked after us. I can always remember we had pet guinea pigs, and I used to just go and wander off and stroke these little pet guinea pigs, which was great because it was quite therapeutic. And I think a lot of children find therapy within animals because they're very forgiving, they don't speak, they're they just want to be petted. And after that, we got fostered by a couple who seemed really, really lovely.

Foster Care Abuse And Hypervigilance

Tracy 9:39

She was a nurse, he was in the forces as well, and they were willing to take on four children, which in those days was very, very difficult to find. So they went through the assessments and everything else, and they ended up fostering us. Now, the first night that we went into that situation, they started abusing us, and that was from day one, and we were with them for six years, and it was consistently continued throughout that time. And I'm not saying this to shock people, I'm saying this because to me it was a chapter, and I've had a lot of healing from that, but it was the impact of being a child, and I remember the instant that it happened on the first night, and I just went into shock. So when you were saying about kind of hiding from the world and not having a say and suppressing myself, yeah, it had happened beforehand, but even so now. But what happened from there was I became a people pleaser and I went into a state of trauma bonding, which at that time you don't realize because you're not talking about this stuff. But I did, and I tried to manipulate behaviors of others so that I would be safe, and I'd walk down for breakfast in the morning and I'd read the room instantly. You know, what's going to happen today? Are we going to be in trouble? Are we going to get hurt? Oh, is my brother going to be okay? Is my sister going to be okay? And it was a lot to take on as a child. And I don't think people understand what goes through a child's head when they're in situations like this. But yeah, it was just the fact that we had no control. I wasn't able to say how I felt because we were punished for it. I couldn't talk back because we were punished for it. Every time I tried to be myself, it wasn't safe. So what I did was I would read books, and these books helped me to feel safe. So I would take myself off away, and then I became the reader, the intelligent one. And that kind of saved me a little bit at that time because I'd be reading a book, it would take me off to a fantasy world. I know that the Magic Faraway tree is on in the UK at the moment in the cinemas, and it was my favourite book as a child, and I can remember reading it, imagining myself in all these different places, and it took me to a safe place, actually.

Trudie Marie 12:09

It's amazing how books actually do take you to that safe place, that fantasy world, that dream of something better than what you're in. But just going back to the fact that firstly, incredible that these foster parents took on all four children. So you were able to stay with your siblings, which was probably the one saving grace through that whole six-year period. But the fact that they took you on and then became completely abusive and abused the whole foster care system because I'm gathering that back in the day, and I think it still happens even today, you're paid a certain amount for caring for children. You're given some kind of subsidy or handout for doing that role. And it becomes all about the money and not about the care of the children. So I can only begin to imagine what that must have been like, not just for you, but for your siblings, because you were all watching each other go through this ordeal and this experience, but you're all experiencing it together, but so differently at the same time.

Tracy 13:19

Yeah, it was horrific. And there was always this feeling of lack because they would buy themselves these amazing foods like cheeses and wines and grapes and things, and we would be stuck with the cheap packet mixes and the cheap foods, and we were neglected. I've luckily managed to get all the reports from when I was in the care system, and you see the social worker reports when they've been coming in, and they can see that we are wearing old clothes, that our rooms are shabby, that we don't have a lot of stuff, we don't have a lot of toys and fun, and the place is quite dirty because they've got animals, and they did actually look after the animals better than they looked after us, which was you know, it's shocking, and I've never been able to understand how a woman or a man can look after a child in that way when they're creating all this lack and this distance between themselves and that person. So yeah, it was a bit a bit of a shock, but yeah, it was one of those things.

Trudie Marie 14:22

It must have been so tough. At what age then did you leave that home and did you go into another home or did you find yourself on your own?

Removed At 11 And System Failures

Tracy 14:34

So when I was 11, I had a social worker and a policeman turn up at my school and say, You're coming with us, you won't be going coming home tonight. And and I remember going weak at the knees, like, oh my god, I've been saved. Woohoo! And what had happened was my brother had gone in, and actually, for once, one of the teachers had noticed the bruising on his body. I mean, we'd all had it and we had them consistently, but actually, a kind teacher had noticed it and phoned the police, and he'd been taken to hospital to have it seen to. And that day we were taken away. Unfortunately, they decided to make us ward to court. So we were in London at the time and we had to stay there for another three or four months and still be forced to see them, which was shocking. If you've been taken away because there's abuse within the home, then surely you wouldn't allow visitation for that child. And I think that's that was a major problem. And again, reading through the notes, they had been found to have been abusive. The social workers had picked it up previously, but then still allowed them to carry on fostering us. So it was known to the local social workers, but nothing had been done. So at 11 years old, anyway, the court case went through and we were allowed to leave, which was fantastic. And we then moved to another children's home, which was in the north of England. And again, that that was a really mixed period for me because I was 11. Obviously, at that time, we start our periods, we start hormones. It's a very impressionable time for us. So a lot of the children in this children's home had had really tough lives and tough times, and when you get a mix of children together like that, there's a lot of things going on. So I remember smoking, I remember drinking, I remember watching people glue sniffing. I never did it, thank goodness. But it was just one of those things, and and I became a bit riotous, I have to say, and started finding my voice and shouting back because I was safe to do it and because I'd never done it. So it was a lovely home, and I can't say that anything happened there apart from my sister and my brothers really struggled because we'd been suppressed for so long, going into a home where we were cared for and looked after, and people were nice. Our behaviours changed quite a lot. So at 11, unfortunately, my sister and my brothers were separated, and I was in the children's home on my own at that time then, and carrying on moving forward.

New Placements And Losing Siblings

Tracy 17:19

I then got fostered again at the age of 14 to another.

Trudie Marie 17:23

Well, like what a time. Firstly, I just want to address how bad bureaucracy, red tape, organisations can be, whereby you can be pinpointed or flagged as an abusive foster parent, and yet you're still allowed to foster children. It just makes no sense to me whatsoever.

Tracy 17:44

So we'd allowed to adopt one, Trudy. They were actually going through an adoption progress for a child younger. So this was uh a little boy, and they were going through the adoption process with him, and oof, and I saw the abuse that was happening to him, but couldn't say anything. It was shocking. But luck, thankfully, he got taken away at that same time.

Trudie Marie 18:07

Oh, that's so lucky. And then to go into the new care home, and on one hand, yes, you're getting looked after, you're getting cared for, this is a safe place to live. You're then being exposed to everybody else's traumas and everybody else's coping mechanisms, and you're still seeing things that no child should ever be exposed to, given that this is between the ages of 11 and 14. You would expect that behaviour way later in teenage years, not right now. And then your family's taken away from you again. So I suppose that almost goes back to the same abandonment issues you had early on in the piece.

Tracy 18:50

Because what do you do as a child? You have no control over your environment, you have no control of the relationships that you have, and it was heartbreaking with my especially with my younger brother, who'd become adaptive as a parental role for me, and my safe space and my protection, and he was coping with lots of abuse as well, because being in a children's home, instantly you're nailed you were labelled when you went to school, and you kind of self-fulfill that label, don't you, and become the baddie. And it's it just the it just perpetuates and becomes this self-fulfilling prophecy. So yeah, and he ended up in a boy's home, my sister ended up in a young girl's home, and my other brother went to another place as well. So it was a really tough time because I had no control and no no voice to say, hold on, what's going on?

Trudie Marie 19:43

Yeah, totally get it. I just can't fathom what you all had to go through, not just yourself, but every single one of you in that time period. So you then move on to a new foster care home as well, and when you were 14. Did that make things any better, or was it just the same?

Tracy 20:04

Initially, so I was fostered by them, as they were a couple, they were also adopting another boy as well, which was interesting. And we moved to the south of England, and it was actually an opportunity for me because I read so many books when I was younger, I educated myself, and so I wanted to succeed. There was something within me that wanted to succeed and didn't want this part of my life or this life to impact on my future because these books that I'd read had told me that there was an amazing world out there where you could go on adventures, you could go to the seaside and have picnics, you could go to boarding schools and have midnight fees, and that kind of drove me, which was really weird, amazing. And so when I moved down south, I then started studying really hard for my GCSEs and my education, and I turned over a new leaf. So that was fantastic. The only thing then was that the man then, which I didn't realise, was becoming quite attached to me and became quite manipulative and coercive in our relationship. And I won't go into it too much too deeply, but it wasn't great on a physical level, and it wasn't great for me as a young woman to have that because he threatened, he what's the word, bribed me, and there was lots going on between the age of 16 and 18. And again, social services at that time were like, oh, she's okay, we'll just leave her to it, but didn't actually realize what was going on within the home to the point where his wife left and I stayed with him for a couple of years because I was so scared again of going out with that relationship and what was going on, and it was abusive, you know, it was very abusive, and but it's not something that I want to go into. Into detail because it's something that I've worked through and it's not part of me. It shaped who I am today, but the healing shaped me better.

Trudie Marie 22:11

I'm so glad to hear you say that because I'm just hearing the story of everything you've endured, that it still didn't stop, even with your final foster family, that you were still exposed to various forms of abuse, that this is how your whole childhood has been shaped. Like you've never been able to just be a child, because even as you said, in those later teenage years, you became very academic, you became very focused on a life and a way out of that through your study and your grades and your education, but you're still having to endure everything else alongside of that. So moving forward from that, when you were finally able to get away from this home, what was it like going into early adulthood and potentially working?

Overachieving As A Trauma Response

Tracy 23:07

Wow, I was like Superwoman, and I can't explain why. I think I picked up my first motivational book at 21 and I was working for an electrical retailer store. I don't know what they're called in Australia, but they're called curries in England, and we sell washing machines and white goods and kettles and toasters, and I worked there and I enjoyed it. But when all this happened and I came out on my own, I was like, oh gosh, I need to do better. And I started reading motivational books, and these books really kind of parented me and supported me and urged me to do more and gave me tips and strategies of how to overcome what had happened in the past. And I think I was just on this path that nothing could stop me. And I became a top salesperson for this company, I became a manager quite young, and it was one man actually. Do you know you have that one person in life that's that can change your trajectory? Well, this guy, I can remember he said, Oh, there's a management position going in down near the coast somewhere. Why don't you go for it? And I said, Oh, do you think I could do it? He went, Why not? And I kind of went, Oh, well, maybe I could do it. If somebody believes in me that I can do this, then maybe I can do this, and I did. And it was just those stepping stones that went on, and each stepping stone that I took took me to a better place, to a better career, to hire money. And by the time I was 23, I'd bought my own home, my own car, I had a great job, and it didn't impact me because I changed my story. I twisted it round. And rather than saying, Oh, I didn't have parents and I was abused, I was like, God, I'm so grateful to have not had parents because where would I be? How much could they have curtailed the person that I am now? And so that happened in my 20s, which was great because I went and I partied and I had a great time. I don't know if you know, you obviously do know about trauma because you've been in the police force, Trudy, but people go into hyper mode, hyper-vigilant, hyper-working, and I just kept working and earning money and partying and burning out and then working and partying and then burning out again. And I didn't realize it was a trauma pattern. I didn't realise that at all. And it was only probably in my 40s that I started accepting that there was trauma within me and that the patterns of behaviour that I had accumulated were from that. Because beforehand, I was like, no, I'm fine, I'm partying, I'm living my life, I'm gonna have a great time, and yeah, and in my 40s I needed help. So my 20s were great, I had a great life and went on holidays, and I suppose lived a life that I didn't think was possible, and the way that I kind of compare that is unfortunately my family and I are very, very different, and the opportunities that I had were very different to them. And that's always been within me that not trying to compare, but just seeing what would have happened if I wasn't the person that I am now, what would have happened if I hadn't picked up a book? And I've always queried what was it that helped me to get the life that I wanted. I've always been curious about that.

Trudie Marie 26:37

Do you think it was the fact that you were able to seek solace in books? So you started to see the world differently. Like you said, you heard stories about the seaside and these different places around the world. And as you've gotten older, that then gave you the education, which then gave you the ability to go for jobs, see the good in yourself. Like those motivational books would have helped you believe in yourself. So, like you said, you didn't become your story, you didn't become your past, you literally created a life for yourself. And perhaps the rest of your family didn't have that ability, which meant that your life went in such different ways. But then coming back to what you said about trauma, it's amazing how those behaviors and the patterns that we create from our childhood, because of the things we've been through, we've seen, we've experienced, it takes something then down the track to actually go, hold on a second, this is why, and this is the result, this is the impact, this is the consequence. Because life just doesn't happen how it does. It's always because of something.

Tracy 27:52

Absolutely. And I think the books helped not only give me a vision for something outside of that life, because I always said it was my solace when the world around me was crumbling and mad and chaotic. That those books helped to not just focus me on other stories, but helped me with my creativity, they helped me have an imagination, they helped me to believe in something else and have faith in something else, and also words. I absolutely love words, and I'm always looking out to learn new words like trajectory. I've just chucked that one in there. But I used to, and I used to have a dictionary, and it was my favourite book because I'd look at a word and I wouldn't be able to understand it, and then I'd go and read it, and I was like, ah, right, okay, I know what that is now, and I think that helped me academically so much. And when I was with the second foster parent, I had to come out of college because I couldn't cope because there was so much going on, and I had to fail basically in my A levels. I think it's high as. And I always wanted to go back and see if I had the potential to go on and finish my A levels or do something else. And I think when I was older, I then went back to university when I was 34, 35, and I ended up doing a degree in social work, and I ended up doing a postgraduate in teaching and a postgraduate diploma in social research and education. So I had that capacity, but I think it was from the books that I read that helped to open my mind up so much. It is just amazing.

Trudie Marie 29:29

But the self-worth and belief that you had to obviously have to drop out at that young age and feel potentially like a failure because nothing was going right for you at that time. Oh, yeah. But to have the courage to then face that in your 30s and then come out with not only a degree but the postgraduate work and just feel a sense of accomplishment that your whole life has led, in fact, to this moment.

Tracy 30:00

Yeah, absolutely. And I think it was just something as well. I didn't want my children to be impacted by my trauma. You know, generational trauma can be handed down because I read about that and I read so many books on books, my healing really. Anytime that I felt anxious, or any time that I felt worried, or I wanted to delve deeper into the psychology of stuff, I picked up a book and I learned the impact of generational trauma and how that can affect your children. And I didn't want that to impact on my children and their life opportunities either. So going back to university when they were there, they've now gone to university and they both have the degrees as well. And I think sometimes by showing your children you can do it, and setting an example, that was something that I really wanted to do for my children.

Trudie Marie 30:52

I love that that you've been able to go on, you've been able to cut ties with the generational trauma and be the perfect example of what's possible in your life by showing your children exactly what you're capable of. And inside of that as well, how has it been becoming a parent, becoming a mother, and going through that, given that you didn't really have the guidance? Don't get me wrong, none of us ever really know what we're doing as parents. But you had no example of what a good parent was actually like growing up. So, how has that journey been for you raising your own daughters?

Parenting Triggers And EMDR Healing

Tracy 31:33

Um, that's a really interesting question, Trudy. And I think because I didn't have any real parental figure, and especially in my 20s, I was on my own and manoeuvring my way through life as as best as I could with no guidance. When I had my first daughter, unfortunately, I had depression, and I didn't realize that you can suffer from that. And I have had depression on and off throughout my life, and that's normal, and I get that. But I did have postnatal depression after I had my first daughter because when I gave birth to her, the day I did that, it was like a whole vortex of myself opened up, and this emotion that I felt, this love that I felt was so overwhelming. I really struggled to cope with that, and I became very protective of her and very not difficult as a mother, but very protective and didn't want anyone to look after her, and I think that was because of my trauma. I think that was because of something that had impacted me. It's really interesting because as the girls have grown up, they've held the mirror up to me, and it was actually my I'm gonna cry. Sorry, take a moment, it was my younger daughter, and I can remember we were driving down to Glastonbury of all places because I needed a spiritual recharge, and we had such a massive argument in the car, and I can't even remember what it was, but the rejection that we she was showing, even though it wasn't rejection, triggered me, and I went into uh child mode, I suppose. And by her doing that, it sent me to go and get help because that's what I needed, and sorry, I'm good, and I went and got the help, and it's taken years, it didn't happen overnight, but I knew I needed to see somebody then because I knew it was hurting my children, and so it's not all been chocolates and roses as you go along, but it was really a mirror that I needed holding up, and I went under through therapy for over a year, and I used EMDR, which for me worked amazingly well. It was the right therapy at the right time that I needed, and put me into a much better place because obviously I had been rejected as a child and I had faced a lot of abandonment, and that was the worst thing in the world for me to be rejected by my actual flesh and blood, and it sent me into a place where I could get help.

Trudie Marie 34:11

I think anybody could understand what you went through just having to be in those moments where you don't know what is going to happen. Things can go really great one minute and really bad the next, and anyone would be compassionate for everything you're experiencing during that time, but to be a turning point that has you acknowledge that this has been my journey, and yes, I've done a lot of the work, yes, I've done a lot of healing. And I think even just by you saying that you've done a lot of work through the books, and people can take in a lot of information, but not necessarily put that into action and transmute that information into their own lives. We can all be knowledgeable, it's like the old saying is everybody knows how to diet or give up smoking, but nobody ever does it. So I think it's that way of actually taking it. And so for you to actually be in that moment with your daughter and go, right, enough's enough. I actually now need to do some serious stuff for myself because even though I've done all this healing, there's still some stuff that's lingering on, and that takes courage to say, I need help right now. I think none of us ever have enough courage to ask for help. We all want to look to the world like we have our shit together.

Tracy 35:39

Oh, absolutely do. And I didn't have my shit together, and it was my daughters, and in fact, my oldest daughter as well, that they've held the mirror up to me and said, Mum, that's not normal behaviour, that's not a normal reaction. Because I was in this land was where I was healed and I was okay, and my daughters weren't going to be impacted by it all. It was that belief, and it's funny, isn't it, how a belief can keep you from healing and can keep you stuck at times. But it was really interesting going in to do my degree as well because I really learnt about attachment theory, about the issues as well that I'd had through psychology and the theoretical underpinning of that. So that was very healing as well for me.

Trudie Marie 36:20

Yeah, it's nice to see you come out the other side. And I think as a fellow mother, our children are our biggest mirrors. They hold our whole lives up to us and reflect back to us what we still need to learn and discover about ourselves because most definitely we want the best for them, but they end up becoming our greatest teachers in some ways.

Tracy 36:44

They seem to know better and know more than us for some reason.

Trudie Marie 36:48

Oh no, it's not affair all the time, is it?

Tracy 36:52

No.

Trudie Marie 36:53

So from there, and obviously that journey has been a healing journey for you.

Tracy 37:00

Yeah.

Trudie Marie 37:01

And you obviously grew up in the in the UK and everything happened there. How did you end up in Spain? And how's these last few years been for you?

Tracy 37:10

Yeah, really interesting.

Court Action And CPTSD Diagnosis

Tracy 37:12

Well, just after the therapy, if I can take you back there for a second, I that there's a really good thing to this story actually, because when I was going through the therapy, I actually went and took the social services to court through a private, it was a private court case anyway, and I won. And I got a letter of apology from the department because they had made many mistakes and put us into positions where we were open to abuse and open to things that shouldn't have happened for us. So that was a that was a really big healing side for it as well. So I kind of got the satisfaction, yeah, absolutely, and I got compensation for that as well, which was amazing. For someone to say, sorry, that shouldn't have happened to you was just a big, huge thing. Yeah, so just after the court case, then that was really good. I had done some work as a social worker and struggled a bit with that because during the court case I'd had to go to a psychologist and I was then diagnosed with CPTSD. And although Stockholm Syndrome isn't a diagnosis, Stockholm Syndrome is it's not a formal diagnosis, sorry, but it is recognised, and I had been diagnosed with that as well. So these were all the things that I'd learned had that had kept me in certain relationships, certain situations, and certain places. So yeah, it was just very enlightening to understand and have a diagnosis to it all.

Trudie Marie 38:40

Yeah, and sometimes that really does help is just being able to justify in your own head what is actually going on. But just going back to you taking on the social services and taking them to court, to get that outcome is incredible. To have somebody say sorry is awesome. The compensation's great because something is better than nothing in that respect. But that no money amount is ever going to take back what you actually experienced. But I just want to touch on how was it for you actually having to go back as an adult and read these reports and almost experience that trauma all over again from a different perspective because now you're reading your life like dumbed down in a report when you're like, Wait, it was way worse than that. Why didn't you step in? That must have been awful for you.

Tracy 39:38

It did trigger me, and and the it's actually a private case, but that happened that lasted for about three years, and during that time I became unrecognizable, and I was trying, I knew through my social work degree that I would be impacted by this, and I knew by the work that I'd done with others, but nothing can prepare you for reading the files and the abuse, but not only that, reading about what outsiders the neighbours had written in that we didn't know, the neighbours had reported these people, and that had gone to the social services, there were reports there, so they knew what was going on, and it was very evident in the case. What made it really difficult was because my brother didn't want to read them, he didn't want any part of it, so I was then reading it, processing it, and feeding back to him as well. It was a really difficult time to go through that, and I think if anybody is going through and trying to get acknowledged for historical abuse, it they really need support because I wish I'd had it, but I've always seen myself as the big strong woman that can do anything as the superhero. In fact, Wonder Woman was my favourite hero at school. I always remember her, but yeah, and I wasn't Wonder Woman, and it broke me. It broke me towards the end, but that's when I realized that I needed to get help, so yeah, it was a dark time, a dark period, but it again it formed me. I came out of it so much stronger.

Family Relationships And Searching For Closure

Trudie Marie 41:10

Yeah, I think that it's the storms we do weather that make us who we are today, and inside of that, like with your brother and the court case and him not wanting to read it, what is the relationship like with your siblings now as adults, having been through all of that, having been split up during periods of time? Like, how do you all get along now?

Tracy 41:35

Yeah, it's a difficult one, Trudy, because I think there was such a big separation, not just for distance, but also personality-wise. And I love my family and I always will. But my the brother that that supported me, we're close, and we don't have to say much, but we are very close and we're almost like twins. We used to say that we were like twins when we were younger, and he's got a lovely family now, he's thriving. And my other brother, unfortunately, went in, he struggled with the abuse and everything that had gone on, so he ended up being in and out of prison all his life, and then going into drugs and alcohol, and unfortunately passed away a few years ago. And my sister, I my sister, I struggle. I don't struggle with her, but we don't talk very often.

Trudie Marie 42:28

It's interesting when you think about that with siblings, and I'm so sorry to hear about your brother, but it just goes to show that trauma can lead you in so many different directions. Yes, it's made your brother and you close, that you've always been close, and that's been able to remain, and you've gone on to make a really incredible life for yourself, but it didn't happen that way for your brother, and circumstances ended up completely differently. And then even with your sister, there is obviously still some trauma there that you don't have a loving relationship, as siblings can often do, that you are slightly estranged because of that trauma. So it just goes to show that trauma journeys are completely individual and unique.

Tracy 43:16

Yeah, absolutely. And the interesting thing is um that I found my mum after 25 years and I actually went to visit her. Yeah, I went to visit her, and um we tried to reconnect, but for me, um the connection wasn't there, and for her as well, and I know I can always remember, and I can't remember the person who said it, that the only thing that stops a mother connecting to their child is their biology, and I think that's true. I think the release of the dopamine levels and the oxytocin that we have when we give birth, I don't think she genuinely had that when she did give birth to us. So yeah, it was it was very interesting, and she's a lovely woman, and she still Alive now, and I wish I were, but it just you know it didn't work out, but it was it was good for us to connect on that level, and the same with my father as well. He's still around, and he actually did help me with the court case as well because he gave me a lot of information from things that I never knew about between the ages of zero and five, or zero and and three, so yeah, it was um it was really interesting.

Trudie Marie 44:26

Do you feel like that was an element of closure connecting with your mum again and even connecting with your dad that you had some answers to what you've probably been asking yourself your whole life?

Tracy 44:39

Absolutely, yeah, definitely, and it was just it was good for me to know that sometimes the people that we're born from are biological parents, but they're not necessarily our parents, and from a biological point of view that they are parents, but from a connection point of view, because I was so young, it's very difficult to say, you know, that that he's my father or my mother, so yeah, it's it you have to build that up over time, I think.

Building Connection In Spain

Trudie Marie 45:10

Yeah, totally get it, and so fast forwarding now, you live in Spain with your husband, and you've just started a brand new podcast.

Tracy 45:19

I have, yes, and the reason why is because I have moved 52 times, Trudy. This is my 50-second move. When you move to a new place, sometimes it can be really difficult to connect to others, and I think connection is really important because obviously I didn't have it as a child, I see it as a really important thing now. And for adults, there's a lot of disconnection in the world, and I think and depression, and I think that is caused by not being able to connect with others like-mindedly. I put a post out on a Facebook um post one day and said, Hey, does anyone fancy a coffee? And a few people came for a coffee, and it the group just grew and grew and grew, and I just I got more out of it than they could possibly imagine because through them believing in me and support the support that I received when I was with these lovely ladies, it helped me to get stronger and stronger to the point now where I'm taking my coffee chat, etc., online and hoping to connect with lovely women like yourself and and other women as well that are starting to come through and and find their own ideas and work, their own independent jobs. And I think it's it's a really good support network, and and I love it. I I think I found my niche now, and I'm meeting so many amazing women that have overcome adversity and challenges in life, and I find that really inspirational.

Trudie Marie 46:50

Yeah, it is when you start to have these types of conversations that we both get to do on our respective podcasts, it really does put into perspective your own life, but then you're not alone. You may have felt like that at various times in your life, but everybody has their own story, everybody has their own journey, and everybody is dealing with something. It doesn't matter how big or small, but it's all impacting who we are as human beings in this current moment.

Tracy 47:22

Definitely, definitely. No, it's

Gratitude And How To Support

Tracy 47:25

good. And moving forward, I'm looking forward to working with other people and maybe yourself again, Trudy. Who knows?

Trudie Marie 47:32

Well, we just never know. That's what the beauty of this work is all about. I want to thank you so much for vulnerably sharing your story because I know this is the first time you've shared it publicly and you've had to go back and relive parts of those experiences in your life that were really dark times. But I just want to acknowledge your courage for being here and sharing it with the listeners.

Tracy 47:59

Thank you so much, Trudi. And thank you for letting me come on the show and share my story.

Trudie Marie 48:04

No, very much a pleasure on my behalf. And I always end the podcast episode by asking, what is the one thing you are most grateful for today?

Tracy 48:14

Oh, that's a really tricky one. My daughters. Absolutely my daughters, always my daughters.

Trudie Marie 48:22

Thank you for tuning in to the Everyday Warriors podcast. If you have an idea for a future episode or a story you'd like to share yourself, then please reach out and message me as I am always up for real, raw, and authentic conversations with other Everyday Warriors. Also, be sure to subscribe so that you can download all the latest episodes as they are published. And spread the word to your family and friends and colleagues so they can listen in too. If you're sharing on social media, please be sure to tag me so that I can personally acknowledge you. I'm always open to comment about how these episodes have resonated with you, the listener. And remember, lead with love as you live this one wild and precious life.