Chat with Nat: Caregiving, Money, Finances, and Support for Caregivers

Anticipatory Grief and Caregiving: Loving Someone Through the Slow Goodbye

• Natalie Kime • Episode 114

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This week, we are re-releasing one of the most personal episodes of Chat with Nat.

Natalie originally recorded this conversation while caring for her mom through dementia progression and living through the complicated experience known as anticipatory grief: grieving someone while they are still here.

Since this episode first aired, Natalie and her family have said goodbye to her beautiful mom.

We are sharing this episode again in honor of her life, Natalie’s caregiving journey, and every family walking through the slow, sacred, heartbreaking reality of loving someone through illness, dementia, decline, or end-of-life care.

In this episode, Natalie speaks honestly about caregiver grief, guilt, identity shifts, financial stress, and the small losses that happen long before a final goodbye. She shares what it means to remain present, create meaningful moments, and care for someone deeply while also preparing for the realities ahead.

This is not simply an episode about grief.

It is about love in action.

It is about the sacredness of caregiving.

It is about allowing grief and gratitude to exist at the same time.

What You Will Hear

  • What anticipatory grief is and why caregivers experience it
  • How it feels to grieve someone while they are still here
  • Why dementia and chronic illness create layers of “mini losses”
  • Caregiver guilt, exhaustion, frustration, and the need for grace
  • How to stay present during a loved one’s decline
  • Why creating new moments and rituals matters
  • The identity shift that happens when you become a caregiver
  • How caregiving affects work, family, finances, and emotional health
  • Why financial preparation helps caregivers remain present
  • The importance of accessible funds, insurance information, and a caregiving cushion
  • How to find meaning in difficult caregiving seasons
  • Why tears, grief, and emotional honesty are not weakness
  • How to love well while also preparing for what is ahead

If you are caring for a parent, spouse, grandparent, or loved one with dementia, chronic illness, disability, or end-of-life needs, this episode is for you.

You are not alone in the complicated emotions.

You are not failing because you are tired.

You are not wrong for grieving before the final goodbye.

And you are allowed to hold both love and heartbreak at the same time.

Please keep Natalie and her family in your prayers as they grieve the loss of her mom.

Today’s episode is brought to you by Casa De Confidence Productions, helping podcasters share conversations that matter with clarity, care, and confidence.

Resources

Thank you for listening to Chat With Nat: Caregiving, Money & Real Life Solutions. This podcast is your trusted guide for caregiving strategies, caregiver support, long-distance caregiving tips, financial planning for families, and managing caregiver burnout. Each week, we provide actionable advice, expert interviews, real caregiver stories, and practical tools to help you navigate caregiving challenges, protect your finances, and care with confidence.

Whether you’re caring for aging parents, managing adult children with special needs, or balancing caregiving with work, Chat With Nat is here to help you care smarter, avoid burnout, and feel supported every step of the way.

Subscribe on your favorite podcast platform and never miss an episode about caregiver tips, dementia care, financial guidance for caregivers, and emotional support for those caring for loved ones. Join our community and get access to caregiving resources, practical tools, and expert advice to make your caregiving journey easier.

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Hi everybody, welcome back to Chat with Nat. This is Julie Delucca Collins and I am here on behalf of Natalie who is a dear friend. And if you are already been listening to this podcast, you know that Natalie has been on a journey of grieving and sadly Natalie and her family have lost her beautiful mom. And today we are sharing a very special and deeply personal re-release of her episode 105. The episode is entitled "Loving Through the Slow Goodbye, Embracing Grief, Growth, and Caregiving." And as you know, Natalie created this podcast to bring honest conversations and a practical guidance to those who are navigating the real life challenges of caregiving. And as a caregiver myself, I have been incredibly influenced and touched by her vulnerability in her journey. She has always been an open book and recently she has spent so much time caring and sharing what she has learned and navigated through with her mom and her family. And we are re-releasing this episode to honor Natalie, her journey, and her mother's life. In this original recording from April, Natalie opened up about the incredible vulnerability in the anticipatory grief and of course a profound experience of mourning a loved one while they're still alive. She shared her experience and true to Natalie's mission of helping caregivers protect their time and well-being. She also shares a vital reminder in this episode. While money can never erase grief, removing financial stress is what allows caregivers to remain truly present and love well during life's hardest seasons. I thank you for tuning in. And don't forget, please keep Natalie in your prayers and you can reach out to her through her social channels. Thank you and enjoy this episode. Have you ever sat next to someone you love and realized you're already starting to miss them? They're still here. You can still hold their hand, still hear their voice, but something has changed. And deep down, you know that you're already grieving. This isn't grief after loss. This is grief during love and no one really prepares you for that. Hey friends, welcome back to Chat with Nat, conversations that count. I'm Natalie and today's conversation is a tender one. This is something I'm not just teaching, I'm living. And there are moments lately where I'm sitting next to my mom, feeding her dinner, guiding each bite, and her eyes are closed because she's so tired. And I catch myself thinking, I'm going to miss this. As a matter of fact, about 30 minutes ago, I was doing just that, trying to get my mom to finish her dinner, trying to figure out how to catch her attention and keep her focused on eating. And at the same time, being so grateful for the moment and knowing that all too soon, it will be gone. The truth is, it's not someday, it's right now. And it is a very hard thing to hold because she's still here, but parts of her are changing. Almost daily. And if you've ever experienced that, whether it's a parent, a spouse, a grandparent, someone you love deeply, you know exactly what I'm talking about. There's actually a name for this. It's called anticipatory grief and grieving someone before they're gone. And here's the thing, up to 40% of caregivers experience this. And those walking through it are twice as likely to anxiety and depression, but we don't talk about it enough. So today, we are. We're going to talk about what this feels like, how to navigate it without losing yourself and why being financially prepared during this time is so important. It's also one of the greatest acts of love you can give yourself and your family to make sure that you are financially prepared when a time for care arises. Today's episode is brought to you by Casa de Confidence Productions. Julie and Dan Collins are the kind of team every podcaster dreams of. They're supportive, professional, and incredibly talented at helping your voice come through clearly and confidently. If you've ever thought, "Hey, maybe I should start a podcast," go connect with them at casa deconfidence.website and see what that can look like for you. This week's money tip is all about preparing financially before the emotions take over. Because when emotions are high, logic is low. And when caregiving and grief collide, decisions become rushed, reactive, and expensive. Here's the reality. Caregivers spend an average of$17,000 a year out of pocket. Things that Medicare or Medicaid don't cover, daily needs and supplies, respite caregivers, maybe even full-time caregiving, in which case what you're paying out of pocket might be exponentially higher than that. That is not planned spending. That's in the moment we need this now spending for most people. You see, we spend a lot of time preparing and planning for retirement, but we don't add to our retirement savings a plan for potential future care. And as I always talk about, approximately 70% of us will need some kind of care for anywhere from three to five years at some point in the future. So planning for that can help avoid draining your retirement and putting your family in a financial bind. Here's what I want you to think about. Do you have accessible money? Not just those retirement accounts and not just assets on paper, but money that you can actually use access quickly when something changes overnight. Because you can't call your 401(k) when you need a hospital bed tomorrow. The second thing I want you to think about is do you know the full financial picture, either for yourself or the loved one that you're paying for? Are you familiar with what insurance policies they have, what monthly expenses they have, the medications that they take and the costs of those and any debt that they may still have? I have seen families sitting in hospital rooms meeting with me on a regular basis, people commenting in the caregiving groups I'm a part of who are trying to figure out how to even pay the electric bill. Not because they didn't care, but because they didn't know. And the third thing is build what I call a caregiving cushion fund. That's three to six months of extra expenses set aside for things like medical supplies, home adjustments, respite care, and transportation. Because the truth is the last thing you want while grieving someone who is still is financial panic layered on top of that emotional pain. Money is not going to remove the hurt or the hardship of watching somebody that you love slowly disappear, but it will remove the financial pressure that for too many people accompanies the emotional side of things. Grieving somebody who's still here is complicated because you're not just grieving them. You're grieving who they used to be, the relationship you had, the future you thought you'd have together. Maybe it's the conversations that aren't the same anymore. Maybe it's the independence that they've lost. Maybe it's traditions that quietly fade away. And there's this constant of I'm so grateful that they're here, but my heart is breaking at the same time. Both of those things can exist and both are valid. This last holiday season was very different for us. My mom's significant and ongoing decline started the week before Thanksgiving. And so Thanksgiving was different than normal. She struggled to eat independently the way that she used to. Excuse me. Wasn't able to stay as wake as long, wasn't able to carry on conversations and interact the same thing that she had. And then her first hottest hospitalization was the week before Christmas. And so Christmas was even more of an adjustment of really just having mom present and trying to help navigate. I mean, let's be honest, buying gifts for a loved one who is suffering with a chronic and eventually terminal condition turns into buying new bed gowns or new comfortable clothes for them to be in or a new pair of slippers and things like that. And this last Christmas, my mom didn't even recognize a lot of what she was getting or what it was for, why she needed it. And that made Christmas very different. It wasn't sitting around sharing the memories and the stories and having her participate the same way. And so there was a huge part of it that was incredibly heartbreaking to realize that, okay, we're here. Nothing is ever going to be the same. And trying the holidays and the spirit for the rest of my family who were here and that I love dearly. And what I love most about the holidays as well. And the truth is you just figure it out. The pain in the heartbreak, accompany the happiness and enjoy of the holiday season. And there was gratitude in both of those things. One of the other big things that we don't talk about enough is the guilt. That's the part that people don't say out loud, the guilt, the guilt of feeling sad while they're still alive, the guilt of being tired, the guilt sometimes of wanting a break. Nearly half of caregivers say they feel guilt regularly. I would be one of those. Every single day, I think, as the day is winding down, man, I wish I would have spent more time doing this or I wish I would have not rushed so much through this situation or I wish I wouldn't have gotten so impatient in this situation. And believe me, I've come a long way. I can recognize when I'm starting to get frustrated. For example, tonight, feeding my mom, she only made it through about half to two thirds of her dinner. And typically I can keep coaxing her and we can get her to be there. And tonight she wasn't doing it. And there was a part of me that was starting to feel frustrated and like, how do I make this happen? And there was another part of me that thought, just breathe, set the bowl down, get her a drink and let it be for 20 or 30 minutes and then circle back and see if we can't get the rest of her dinner in her. That's growth for me. Also in five months to have my mom going from still being able to get herself dressed, use the toilet, feed herself. She did need some assistance. She had a walker and she had a wheelchair, but to being at the point where she's bedridden now and she has to be fed every single one of her meals is that is a really fast shift in a five month period of time. And she maintained so well for so long after moving here with me three and a half years ago, that I think it hit even harder. And I know there's people out there that you have a stroke occur out of nowhere or an accident, a disability, a diagnosis just out of nowhere. And the change is an extreme. And that's where I feel like I am now after three years of pretty slow. Yes, there was decline, but it was pretty slow and it was mostly memory, a little bit of physical. But man, that's where adjusting from still being able to manage my schedule for my business and my personal life pretty easily to everything having to fit around mom's care. And I don't begrudge being her caregiver. I chose that, but it's still, it is still a big shift. It is still an adjustment and it's still like she doesn't eat at the speed she used to. And it's okay. And when I remind myself of that, it lessens the looking back at the end of the day and feeling like, man, I could have done better, could have done better feed mom or I could have done better cleaning mom up or I could have done better. Even my dad is so sweet. He comes in to help me with my mom whenever he can. And sometimes I'm reminded to just be grateful that he's there doing as much as he can and that it's okay if things go a little bit slower and to relax into that because it leaves opportunities, I think, one, to feel less guilt, two, to maybe have those moments where mom does speak a few words and to love on her a little bit extra, because let's be honest, when I'm rolling her on the bed to get her cleaned up in the mornings, that is stress inducing for her. So as I said, half of caregivers say that they feel guilt guilt regularly. And I'm one of those. And sometimes the guilt isn't necessarily warranted like, man, I wish I could do better. And then I look at what, what, what could be better? Even the support care through home health and things we have are like, man, you've got, you've got all of these things down, you're doing all the right things. So then why does guilt creep in to make me feel bad when I know there's not a reason for it? Because it's the reality of the space that we're walking in. There are times when my mom is resting and I just feel relief moments when I think, this is a lot. And then immediately the guilt follows. But there's a reframe I want you guys to hold on to one that I need to continue focusing to hold on to. It's that guilt is often nothing more than love that has nowhere to go. Feeling overwhelmed doesn't mean you don't love your person. It means you've been loving them at full capacity for a very long time. So give yourself a little grace and reframe that guilt into seeing it for what it really is and letting it, instead of letting it be an additional weight that you carry on your shoulders. The next thing I want to talk about is that those, those things that happen daily, let's call them mini losses. It's not a big loss. It's not a real obvious things. It's hundreds and hundreds of small things that add one on top of another over time. The first time something changes, the first time they forget something important, the first time they need help with something they used to do on their own. And each one may feel small in the moment, but they stack layer after layer after layer, especially with long-term conditions that can last for years. You're not just grieving once. You're grieving in waves, in layers, in moments that come out of nowhere, and sometimes on a daily basis, which is where I feel like in a lot of ways things are happening with my mom. She has, she's had a little bit of a shake, but it was real mild and unnoticeable. And I think I have noticed just in the last month, so after both of her hospitalizations, she was still feeding herself the majority of the time. Okay. And then for about a month, so until about the first of April, and she couldn't grasp the silverware anymore. She couldn't hold her hands steady enough to get it, to get the food to her mouth or even pick up the cup to get a drink. And so I look at these things that shake seems to continuously become more and more prominent. Now her mouth will shake, her chin will shake. And so even feeding her can be difficult at times. And I have to remember to deep breath and try and keep as much peace and calm in the room to help her kind of relax through those times too. And listen, it's not always easy. It's not because there are a million other things that life is throwing at us that we have to manage at the same time. And it's important, like I said, to just see things for what they are and move through them. If there are areas you need to learn more or improve your approach with, then focus on doing those one at a time. Not all at once, where you just feel like you're punching yourself in the face constantly because you can't get anything right. Again, give yourself some grace and tackle what is the one most important thing that I can focus on improving right now. And oftentimes as I've focused on learning in a new area, like how to move my mom on the bed to clean her up, to change her briefs, to change the sheets, how to safely do it for her and for me, and do it in a way that minimizes the stress in the situation for both of us. I focused on that. But in finding my way through that and getting really comfortable that we have a routine down now, I feel like I found little skills that help me in other ways in things I do for her. Or I'm able to just automatically do more things throughout the process of cleaning her up and getting her ready every day that I couldn't do in the beginning. And sometimes it's just that the process itself is getting a little quicker because I've got a routine. I'm organized, I focused on doing the thing and I have done it enough times that it's becoming more muscle memory, I guess. I also want to talk about the identity shift that we have as caregivers. This one is big because it's about losing parts of your person. It's about losing parts of you too. You go from being the daughter, the son, the friend, the spouse, to the decision maker, the caregiver, and the nurse. And suddenly you're managing medications, appointments, and finances. When maybe you were struggling to do that for just yourself and your own family, now you're doing it for somebody else as well. And on top of that, you're still trying to be present emotionally. Over 60% of caregivers are still working. They're running a business holding jobs, taking care of families. And I feel that every day because I run a business and I have in the past five months had to adjust my working hours two different times. Once just for the amount of care mom needed after her hospitalizations back to back. And then recently with her going bed bound, I have shifted my mornings are closed so that I can navigate through those mornings at her pace, not at my pace. So for me, it's balancing my business, leading a team and serving clients while also being there for my mom and always being there for my mom will be the priority. The truth is as caregivers were stretched in ways we never expected, but we are also growing in ways we could have never imagined. And I think it's important that whatever you're feeling, there is an equal and opposite to that. So sometimes just sit quietly and whatever you're feeling that may be heavy, negative, overwhelming, try to focus on the opposite of that because you're getting both at the same time. But maybe that overwhelming part or that heavy and hard part or that grief is hard to look beyond, but there is something positive you're gaining through those processes as well. I talked a little bit about finances in my money take my money minute. I can't even think about what I call it right now. Anyway, talked a little bit that about that in the beginning. I want to touch a little more here. I want to give you a visual. So I want to paint two pictures for you. One family is trying to everything out in real time. They're stressed, they're overwhelmed, they're making decisions from fear, and sometimes they're limited in what they can do. Now there's another family who has a plan. They have access to money, they understand the finances, and they can bring in help when needed. They're in the same situation emotionally, but for each of them, it's a completely different because when finances are in place, you get to be present. Money does not remove grief, but it removes that pressure, as I said earlier, and that changes everything. Listen, I am actively grieving my mom. I see it. There are some days I walk into the room. Sometimes I just look at her on the camera before I go in to wake her up in the mornings, and it breaks my heart at the level that she's diminishing, that she's disappearing. Sometimes I'm emotional because I'm so grateful to be able to do what I'm doing. But let me tell you guys, if you have not listened to last week's episode, please go back and listen to it because I go into detail about what we've spent financially just in the last five months for my mom's care, out of pocket that medical didn't cover. If I had to try and figure out where to get the money from, I don't know how I'd be managing her care with that added stress, and I know that many of you because I see it in the groups that I'm a part of. I hear it in the conversations I have with other caregivers, with clients as we talk about preparing for them or preparing for their parents or organizing what their parents have so the money lasts as long as they do and can provide the care that they need. I cannot imagine the weight of carrying financial stress on top of what I already carry every day. And that is why in all of my caregiving episodes, I will talk about getting financially prepared forever. I will talk about that because I know that as hard as things feel for me some days, it is exponentially easier because of the financial situation that we're in, that my parents put themselves in. And I am passionate about helping people get there for themselves as much as possible. I also want to talk about finding meaning in the middle of the grief. This part is, this part's hard to explain until you're in it. So if you are a caregiver, I think you'll get it. And if you're not, it's something to think about so that if you ever are, maybe you'll recognize it when it does show up. Because these moments, as heavy as they feel, are also extremely sacred. Sitting a little bit longer, holding their hand a little bit tighter, laughing at things that you wouldn't have noticed before. For me, it's feeding my mom, talking to her even if she just nods or raises her eyebrows at me, and also letting her rest. These are moments that I know. They're moments that I know one day I'll wish I had back. I can't remember ever reading a book with my mom. I mean, other than when I was little, little, right? And my mom would read to me. But I picked a book that I had on my shelf that I hadn't read yet, and I started reading it to my mom. Now, I would love to be able to do it every night, but sometimes the schedule doesn't work out for that. But I would say at least three, maybe four times a week before bedtime, after I give her her medication, I'll climb onto my dad's side of the bed, and I'll just read a chapter or two to her for about 30 minutes. And the majority of the time, she's sleeping or at least sitting, laying there with her eyes closed. And the funny thing is that something funny will be said in the book or happen in the story that I'm reading, and I'll chuckle. And I know my mom's still there because she chuckles right along with me, even though her eyes might be closed. And so this is something new that I've started doing in the last two weeks she's been bedbound, but something I know I'm going to be incredibly grateful for, having those memories that aren't memories I had from before. So I would say, if there are ways you can sit and hold their hand that you haven't done before, or like me, read a book, or listen to music that you know they loved, even if there's no interaction, there's no words, just those moments to share that space with them.(Blank Audio) Creating something new to hang on to through this process of watching them leave you. Studies actually show that caregivers find meaning in this season, which means they experience less regret later. So even in the hard, there is purpose, there is connection, there is definitely love. I knew this topic is, gosh, hard to carry as a caregiver, if you know, you know, and often even harder to talk about. Because while we watch and know every single day what is happening and what is coming sooner than later,(Blank Audio) vocalizing that can be hard, and it can be super emotional. And one of the things I find myself, at least as a caregiver, is trying to continuously stay strong, to not break down. And I've learned that one of my greatest strengths in caregiving is letting go of my emotions, letting the tears fall.(Blank Audio) Feeling the weight of what's happening around me, because bottling that up is too much. And it blocks me from being a fighting so hard to keep it at bay, blocks me from being able to experience the beauty that is happening during this difficult time.(Blank Audio) So here's my hot take for this week. Grieving someone who's still there, still here, is one of the most sacred, painful, and transformational experiences you will ever walk through. It will break your heart.(Blank Audio) It will break your heart in slow motion. And at the same time, it will show you just how deeply you're capable of loving. You will be stretched, you will be tired, you will question yourself without a doubt, but you will also become stronger, softer, and more present than ever before. And if you're in it right now, don't rush past it, don't numb it, don't pretend you're okay when you're not. Lean in, love harder, be present, but also be prepared. Because love without preparation creates guilt, overwhelm, stress, but love with preparation, that's what creates peace. If you're walking through this right now, I see you and you are not alone. Please share this episode with someone you know who needs to hear it, because chances are they're walking through it quietly too. And if you want help or a financial review to make sure that you're prepared for life's hardest season, let's talk. Because this isn't just about money, it's about protecting your peace, your presence, and your ability to love well right now. So if you'd like to reach out to me, you can always do that through the link in the show notes. But in addition to that, you can connect with me on Instagram under Natalie McPhee-Kime, and there is a link in my bio where you can go directly to set up a time to have a private conversation with me. And I would love to see how I might be able to serve you, your family, and the loved one that you're caring for. Thank you for joining me this week for another episode of Chat with Nat, and I can't wait to connect with you again next week. Stay blessed.