Grief Didn't Get the Last Word with Glenn Gum: Grief Series Ep.6

In this episode, I'm sitting down with someone I don't usually get to interview — my grandfather, Glenn Gum. He was married to my grandmother, Sheila, for 69 years before she passed. We recorded this conversation at Table Rock Lake, where our family has vacationed together for over 50 years — so this isn't a studio interview. It's just us, talking the way we always have.

My Grandpa agreed to share this because he wants it to help someone else walking through the same thing.

He talks about what grief has actually felt like for him — not the version people expect, but the real one: isolation, the pull to stay in bed, the guilt of still being here. He talks about the friends who chose to stay in that isolation, and the sister-in-law who told him plainly: if you sit in your house and do nothing, the devil wins. And he talks about what it took to choose differently — staying active, staying connected, and deciding, one morning at a time, to be the guy who says good morning instead of the guy who doesn't.

This one is personal. My grandpa didn't just answer questions for this episode — he gave us 69 years of love, and what he's learned about living after loss.

In this episode:

• What grief has actually felt like for him, in his own words
• The role isolation plays in grief, and how it compounds
• The moment his sister-in-law's words changed his mindset
• Why "positive" has to be a practice, not just a feeling
• How he's rebuilt a life, health, and community after 69 years with one partner

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Music by: Jason and Ashley Scheufler
Artwork by:  https://www.instagram.com/graphx_ink/

Transcript

0:02

What if grief means learning how to be alone? Hey, friends. Welcome to the Inner Spark Podcast. I'm your host, Casey Peyton. If you're looking to hear stories of transformation and personal growth, this podcast is for you. My guest and I will be sharing those sparking moments that has changed them into living a more fulfilling, authentic life. I'm so excited for you to hear each unique story. So sit back, relax, and let's get started. Hey, friend. Welcome back to the Intersect Podcast. I'm your host, Casey Taten, this is part of the grief series. Today, I'm sitting down with someone I don't usually get to interview, my grandfather, Glenn Gumm My grandfather, Glenn, was married to my grandmother, Sheila, for sixty-nine years before she passed. My grandfather and I recorded this conversation at Table Rock Lake, where our family has vacationed together for many, many years. So what you're about to hear isn't a studio interview. It's just us talking the way we always have. My grandpa agreed to share this because he wants it to help someone else who's walking through the same thing. Here's my grandpa on grief I'm sitting here with my grandpa, and we're going to talk about grief. Grandpa, what does grief mean to you? Well, to me, my grief was being married 69 years and then losing your partner. And then being alone, basically, and not having the companionship, not having your morning coffees, visit about what you're gonna do that afternoon or that day or the following week. It's just, being alone and kind of, uh, going into a shell where you're not active with other people and you're not out doing things. You don't want to. It's easier to stay in bed than to get up. Uh, it's easier then once you get out of bed is not leave the house, not go anywhere, not do anything. It's just, isolation. Being by yourself, to me is, the worst part of grief. Would you say that grief is love? Because you lived with Grandma for how many years? 69 years. Yeah. That's a long time. Yeah. It was a long time. Yeah. There's a lot to the word love, a lot of it's unspoken. It's your actions dictates your love. And y- it's a feeling of, I guess, being comfortable, of having companionship, doing things together. And, so yeah, love, the loss of a loved one is really, hard to overcome, I think If you were to tell them what are some action things that you've done that kind of changed your life, what would you say? Well, initially, I tried to live by myself, and that didn't work. I have friends that are older than I and are single, and they're living by theirselves, and they're doing a very good job of it. I couldn't. For one thing, I kinda went into isolation. I didn't do things. My wife and I were very active, when she was alive. We done things, uh, a lot of things together. And, uh, when that's taken away from you, if you stop- Doing that, then you're losing the battle, because you have to stay active. You need to stay connected. And at, where we live, there were activities that I could have attended. I chose not to 'cause it's easier to sit in the house than to go out and do these other things. So, you need to stay active, you need to stay positive. I had a, a negative attitude, you know, the glass is half empty. And, I found out that it's just as easy or easier for me to stay positive than it is to be negative. You can have negative thoughts. You go around and that's, basically that's all you're thinking all the time is negative thoughts. You know, "Well, why do I do this?" Or why am I gonna do that?" And it's just as easy to be positive. It's just as easy to say good morning in the morning as to, "Oh, if you say so." You know, be grumpy or something. And especially now since I've moved to my new facility, I don't wanna be known as that grumpy old man, you know? I wanna be the guy that's positive. I wanna be the guy that's cheerful, that greets everybody every morning, that helps, when he can. I'm somewhat limited, but I like to be able to, if nothing more, than open the door or hold the door open or hold the elevator door open or something like that. But, positive, you've gotta be very positive thinking. And my counselors stress this, you know? You have to be very, very thankful for the things that you have. I have a wonderful family. Oh, my gosh. I couldn't exist without my family. They help me tremendously, and they help me just being around me, and then me being around them. And, I have some other, friends that live in the apartment, and, he doesn't go watch his, grandchildren play baseball because they play in the evening, and he don't wanna fight the, the rush hour traffic. It's all on the other side of town. And, he feels like that's not worth it. Well, that's up to him Of course, in my situation, I don't have to drive. All I have to do is ride. But, uh, you know, to me it is worth it to get out and do those things. And that's what you have to do. If you go into, isolation, you're not doing anything, first of all, your health starts to deteriorate. You're not exercising. You're not eating correctly. Uh, you know, my, I ate fast food at least twice a week when I was living by myself, which is a, I mean, I'm not saying that fast food can't be healthy, but, not a steady diet of it like I was eating, you know. But it was easier for me to go get something and bring it back than to go out and actually eat Or, to fix something. It's hard to cook for one person, and so it's easier just to run down to the fast food restaurant, get something, and bring it back. But the main thing is being positive, have a positive attitude, you know, wanting to be the friendly guy and being the friendly guy. When my wife first died, I went to her graveside every day. And then finally once a week maybe, and I'd go out there and we'd have basically a m- a morning coffee conversation. And I quit doing that because I felt like that when I went out there, uh, uh, first of all, I was, I felt guilty that she was the one to go and not me, and, uh, I felt like I should be there in that gravesite instead of her. And, it's easy just to get drawn back down to the point where you feel like life's not worth living, you know? Another thing you have to overcome is your health issues, and I have several. I have a vision problem. I have a problem with my balance. I have a problem with my back. My back, uh, have nerve damage, and I have problems with my back. And so the thing you have to do is realize what you can do and then continue to do those things. You may have to put some limitations on the things that you do or don't do. And, you just have to realize the things you can do, and then you need to keep doing them. You need to do that. The facility where I live now has exercise classes five days a week, and I hit all of them. I go to all the exercise classes. On several occasions, I've been asked to lead the exercise class, which is fine. I like doing that also. So, uh, I feel like overall I'm probably in better health than I've been, uh, for a long time because I'm eating regularly, I'm eating nutritiously, I'm exercising regularly, and, I'm getting rest. It doesn't mean I don't take a nap in the afternoons, uh, 'cause sometimes I do and sometimes I don't. But, you know, you just have to stay positive. You have to stay active And sometimes that's hard to do. When I would be anxious, start getting anxious, I'd have a knot in my stomach. I-- my appetite, I-- nothing tastes good. I didn't wanna eat anything. You know how you are when you're anxious. You're just tense and you're built up and you just feel like you're waiting for the next thing to happen. And I see a counselor. Now I don't see him as often as I used to, but I have and he's been very helpful. My family's been very, very helpful. And my change of attitude, I've just changed my attitude. I thought, you know, you need to be positive. You need to enjoy life. You need to-- obviously there's limits, things you can do and not do, and you need to accept those limits and, but continue to do those things. If you don't, my sister-in-law told me, she said, "Glen, if you sit in your house and not do anything, the devil wins, and you don't want him to win. So you need to get out, you need to be active." And that's, you know, that's hard to do. I can't drive anymore. I can't-- My vision is impaired and, uh, and it is difficult. I have to rely on somebody else, you know, to take me, and that's an inconvenience on their part. But, still, I think it's important, for you to be active and do things but stay positive. That's the biggest thing. You have to have a positive frame of mind, and not just say it. You have to do it. You have to practice it. You have to say, "Good morning." You have to say, "Can I help you? Wait a minute, let me hold that door for you." You know? Or, "Let me carry that for you while you... Or hold that for you." You know? You can't just mouth the words, you have to do it. And to me, when you do it, you feel a lot better about it. You're helping somebody. You know, you're not griping or complaining about the food or, the conditions or anything, you know? And, uh, uh, staying positive, being active, and realizing you're not abandoning your partner just because you don't go to the grave site every week like I used to, Your life has to go on, and you have to live, uh, certainly a beneficial life, which, requires you to do those things that we've just talked about. And I think if you do that, some people maybe will still have, uh, times when they're, will get sad. There's times that I get sad. But you have to work through 'em and you have to keep on going, and you have to stay positive So my grandpa and I are sitting down at Table Rock Lake. We've been doing this... How long have we been coming here? Since I was a baby over 50 years. Yeah, so over 50 years, and we're on family vacation, and we were just sitting in his cabin this morning. And so I wanted to give you just a listen of my grandpa's journey on grief. He is one of the strongest mans I know, one of the most inspiring mans. He's a leader and just all around, um, a great role model for all of us. He has... How many great-grandkids do you have? Seven. He has four grandkids, seven great-grandkids- Mm-hmm and we are all down here. Two chil- two daughters. He has two daughters. So we are all down here at Table Rock Lake for a week and on our family vacation, and we were just sitting here talking about different things. And so if you were to leave them with one, one or two words, what would you say? I would say, you have to continue to live your life. You must, it's a must that you, you have a positive attitude and not just thoughts. You need to act in positive manners, and you need to realize that so, uh, it's not the end of the world that if you're, somebody's supposed to pick you up at 1:00, and they don't get there till 1:30. You know, that's not the end of the world. Life's gonna go on. Life's gonna continue, and, you have to put things in perspective and not take things in such a serious manner all the time. That's some great advice. Thanks for recording with me, Grandpa. Okay. My pleasure. Okay, friend, I don't really know how to close this one out. This may be one of the most important conversations I've had on this podcast, and it's not because of anything I did. It's because my grandpa sat down with me and just spoke the truth from his heart about one of the hardest things he's been through. And that thing he said about going into a shell, he didn't say much more than that, and I just felt that. And I think that if you've lost someone, maybe you felt that too, hearing it. And Grandpa, I don't say this enough to you, but thank you for being honest with me today, even though I know that sometimes talking about this isn't easy, and for still choosing every day to come back out of that shell. And just the way that now you've been able to recognize it and really just step into changing your mindset and i'm so blessed to have, such great grandparents and that we keep my grandmother's memory alive. So if you can relate to this, if you know someone that can relate to this, please feel free to share it Thank you for tuning in to another episode. I hope today's story inspired you to embrace your own journey of growth and change. Remember, transformation isn't always easy, but it's always worth it. If you enjoyed this episode, be sure to subscribe, share it with a friend, and leave a review. If you found something that sparked you in this episode and may spark a friend, I encourage you to go share it with them. If you have your own story you would like to share, I would love to hear it, so please reach out to me. Until next time, friends, go have some fun and let those sparks fly.