Did you miss me?

This past year I have been mastering silence and preservation. I felt called to share what this journey has looked like for me so far. I also just missed doing this and wanted to catch up with my tribe! 

Transcript

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Hello, it's me. Did you ever think you were gonna hear from me again? I don't know, maybe, maybe not. It's been a very long time since I did a podcast episode. I kind of went MIA and I feel called to share exactly why that's the case. And I also kind of just want a podcast again. So can I do that? Can I just catch y'all up? Can I give you some tea for what's been going on with Lil Mary B? I originally started this podcast because I felt really called to not only help others heal through storytelling, through finding a sense of community, but it was so vital for me in my healing journey. And I realized that after I started the process of podcasting, I always advocate of anyone sharing their experiences and just finding someone or some kind of safe space for you to share what you endured. And me creating this platform did more than I could have ever thought for me in my healing journey. And with sharing my experiences on this very platform and seeing my therapists and having friends who would always hold space for me, I finally got to a place where I felt at peace with everything that I endured in my childhood trauma. I finally felt like I've reached that level of healing that I was searching for. And because I got there, I didn't want to force myself to keep pushing out content. That's the thing with social media. And I've talked about this before, where it feels like you need to meet a certain standard or kind of push yourself to make, make, make, make, make, do, do, do, do, do. But I do not align with anything that doesn't feel organic. I don't. And so when I felt like I was forcing myself to do something, to do this very thing that I'm doing right now, I completely just like fell back because I didn't want to start making mediocre things though. I didn't want to keep looking for like the next project, the next topic. But today I felt called to talk. I felt called to share what my life has looked like in the past year. I have really learned the importance of going off radar and taking the time to be silent and not be the one to talk, but to be the one who listens and observes. I am a seer. I don't know if many people know what that is. And if you're interested in looking into what a seer is, I highly recommend that you do, you know. And it's taken me a while to kind of just honor this little gift God has given me. And with that, I need to know when to speak and when to learn how to hold my tongue. And when I'm given information that I don't necessarily know how to explain how it's been given to me, but it always ends up being true. I need to learn when I needed to learn when I need to speak on something or when I just need to pray on the information that I have received. And so for the past year, I've really just been learning how to move in silence. I also have taken myself off of Instagram. Um, I'm not necessarily on any social media platform besides TikTok. I've shared many times that I don't align with how unhealthy social media is. It's literally a drug, and I've watched so many of my peers become addicts to it and just they feel like slaves to their phone, to the media, to constant need of gratification. And you think that you're getting that when you kind of just tell the world, hey, this is what I'm eating, or this is what I look like today, or I'm working, and it and I just I kind of got tired of people thinking that they know me. I also got really tired of feeling like, why do I know so much about you? And you're not really necessarily in my life. It's just so not real. So I unplugged. I've been off of Instagram for man, maybe eight months now. I've lost track. I'm I'm honestly almost at the year mark, and it feels uh amazing to not have an identity tied to social media. I honestly feel like I'm more certain of myself now that I don't have a presence on social media. I never have just been more confident and more proud to be myself walking into a room. And I think that has a big part to do with having an identity that I'm not showing to other people. I also think there's uh a coolness to not being so loud, not everything needs to be shared. I think the greatest things in life you actually are quiet about. You don't want to necessarily boast about. I what do they say? They say wealth is quiet and rich is loud. And in my life, I yearn to be wealthy. I I don't want to give too many people too much information about me unless it's helpful. Because you also have to be mindful of what you share. Unfortunately, there are a lot of people who prey on your downfall. There's a lot of people who like to tune into your life because they want to see what your next thing is. A lot of people want to see you fail. A lot of people don't, when they feel like they're in competition with you, they're waiting for you for them to shine or maybe take something from you. Sometimes we share information that isn't necessarily at the point of needing to be shared. You know, I which brings me back to the point of why I stopped talking because I felt like God called me for a season of stillness. God called me for a season of better yet, not stillness, but to learn how to be quiet, to learn when to use my voice and to and when to use my ears. It's it's really, really, really a skill. But I also understand, too, with building a platform, you build a connection with people. And I'm honored that there have been some people that have brought to my attention that me telling my story has helped them and that they're interested in in what's going on with me now, and that they wish that I would pick up the microphone and keep talking. And I honestly really needed that push because sometimes I'm like, I feel crazy. Like, how in the world could little me be helping somebody? But you know, sometimes you put on this life because you have a grander calling and it's not for me to understand right now. But I know that I was called today to kind of just give a little bit of insight on what my life has been like the past year or so since I stopped podcasting, and I said that I've been quiet, but I also have taken my self-love to another level. See, for a while I was not dating, and I wasn't dating because to be very transparent, my last relationship was pretty traumatic for me, and I needed space to just really heal from that, and I still am, and I know that'll probably be triggers whenever a new person comes around, and and I'll have to work through that. But learning how to be my own boyfriend, be my own boyfriend. There's a song by Olivia Dean called Be My Own Boyfriend, and I just like if you go listen to that, it's literally been my life. Like, I I don't want to wait on other people, or especially like a man to come and fulfill me and make me happy. I've learned exactly what I need to fill my own cup. I've gotten really good at spoiling myself. Like, I've talked about making sure you know how to show up for yourself, but you also want to be that person that spoils yourself. Like, if you take yourself out shopping, you're not gonna be the one to tell you no. But if you go out shopping with a man, he could easily dictate what you can and can't get. Or if you are dating women, whatever your preference is, like someone is always gonna be able to cap your happiness. You, my friend, you have the power to make sure you do not cap your happiness. And I have really taken what fills my cup entirely into my own hands at a level that I've never done before, and it feels amazing. I've talked a lot about wanting to build my closet and find my sense of style. Like I feel like I've done just that. I found my favorite store, y'all. Free people is my favorite store. And at first, when I first started going there, I felt like I can't afford this, I don't know if I'm worth this. The truth was, I didn't know if I could afford buying myself things that expensive, that nice. But my closet honestly reflects how my mind has changed with that. I have continued taking solo trips. I went to Montana in the summer. There's a part of me that always wanted to venture out in nature and go hiking and continue traveling by myself and being outdoorsy. And I really have done that. Montana was life-changing. I went to Glacier National State Park, I rented a car, I went whitewater rafting for the first time. Like, how fucking cool was that, dude? I, you know, allowed myself to just be confident and be myself and show up as my silly, goofy, down to earth, deep self. All of these different parts of myself that I kind of had to choose when it would come out, when it could be safe. But I'm like, man, I'm me, you know, and I'm always going to be me. Why do I need to hide any of that? And I just went out there and and I flaunted me wholeheartedly, and I felt like it was given back to me tenfold. I feel like whatever you give to the earth confidently in your day-to-day actions are going to be given back to you. My tour guide at Whitewater Ofting was so nice. I was staying on a ranch, and there's like multiple Airbnbs on the property. The owner of there, that place was so kind. Um, I went out to eat. The owners of the restaurant were so good that took very care, like very good care of me. You get what I'm saying. I'm so hyped up, I can't even talk English. That's how great the trip was. And where else did I go? I went to uh like a super small town called Morrow Bay for my birthday. I turned 31 this year, and that was so cute, very low-key. I went hiking yet again. That was the first time I traveled and I was able to bring my dog. You know, I love my dog, and being able to just celebrate my birthday in a beautiful coastal town because you know I also love water, was just like, damn, I'm really doing this for myself. Like, I'm taking the trips, I'm driving myself there, I'm flying myself there, I'm booking the Airbnbs, and and Airbnbs that I'm obsessed with, like they're so cute, they fit my boho aesthetic. I'm opening myself up to like new areas, and it's so vital for you to put yourself in rooms and places around people that you aspire to be. And I've been doing that, you know, I've been exposing myself to that. Another big thing that I've committed myself to is I'm going back to school, y'all. I start school actually May 1st. I'm becoming a therapist. I did an interview uh on one of my episodes with Rose, and during that episode, I just really realized that man, not only do I really help other people, I have this gift of listening. I enjoy helping people really heal and get to the root of their problems and holding your hand while you grow the confidence and the strength and the courage to evolve into your best self. And I've been waitressing for 10 years, man. And I'm thankful that I've been able to be so great at a job that's helped me live such a great life, and yeah, I there's not much else to say, but I've also yearned to be more, to be bigger, to be better, to have my own, and I never really knew what that looked like. And honestly, I had a lot of fear of what that could look like for me. And because a version of myself didn't know who I was, I was trying everything. Should I model? Should I act? Should I rely wholeheartedly on being a podcaster? Do I interview people? Do I this, that, that, this? You know, I went to school for broadcast journalism, but me trusting and owning the fact that I am a healer, a healer of the throat. I'm very good at talking and listening. What better avenue than becoming a therapist is there? So I'm swallowing the pill. I'm going back to school. To be honest, it's not something that I wanted to do. I'm not excited about going back to school. Like, or maybe I am. Maybe this version of me is academic. Maybe I am a scholar because I do read a ton. So who knows what this version of me will be like in college this time around. But I'm getting my master's degree, and I'll tell you what, I'm really excited to say I have a master's, and I'll probably go for my Psy D, which means I'll be able to have a doctor in front of my name. Which means one day you'll refer to me as Dr. Mary Leah Boucher. And it feels really good to be confident and knowing what direction I'm moving towards, and you know what I came a truth with? Time is gonna pass. Regardless. And so fear is not a good enough answer to keep you stagnant. It's just not. Because if you choose to not move because you're scared, you'll regret if you see yourself in 10 years, and instead of saying, I did, I am, I became, you'll be saying I wish instead. If there's anything to take note from, it's your elders. Many people on their deathbed don't reminisce on the greatness of their life, they reminisce on what they missed out on. And I, my friend, do not want to be that person. And I'm not going to be. I'm really excited to go back to school. I'm so excited to go back to school. I'm still sober. I'm not drinking, I'm not smoking with each passing day. It's the best decision I've ever made. It's I've just never been more clear in my life. And with more time that passes, the ease with being sober is just like second nature. I have three years coming up in May, and when I had my first day under my belt, it was just hard to see this day, this three-year mark coming up. But there's just not a doubt in my mind that I'm gonna make it there. And I'm damn proud. Becoming sober was one of the best decisions I've ever made in my life. Another thing that has really been life-changing for me is I was so reluctant to being on medication, and in therapy, I'm given like an anxiety questionnaire and a depression questionnaire, and my statistics shown that I was very much a roller coaster, up down, up down, up down, up down. And I thought yoga was gonna be enough to sustain some type of equilibrium, but it wasn't. And my therapist had asked if I would be open to getting on medication, and I was very hesitant. I wasn't hesitant, I was straight up like, nah, I don't want to do that. And her response kind of shipped my core, and that was that most black people are actually very uh against getting on medication, and sometimes the truth is we need assistance to kind of get ourselves to a baseline, and with the reality of the trauma that I endured and having all of this weight that I do carry because being independent and black and a woman is not easy. I'm not complaining, but it isn't easy. I have a lot on my shoulders, so combining all of that, you know, it was highly recommended by a doctor that I get on antidepressants. So, you know what? Six months ago I did, and I've never been more equal in my entire life. If anybody who's listening has struggled with depression or anxiety, like and you you're hesitant because you feel like there's a taboo on taking medication, that's why you seek medical guidance. Go to someone that you trust, see what their advice is, start off slow, try to get on the lowest milligram and see where it takes you. I mean, when I tell you I have just been so even, no episodes, no thoughts of hurting myself, no struggling with my self-worth. Like it's really, really helped. And I'm actually have I actually have a follow-up visit with my doctor in like two weeks, and we're gonna talk about um the process of me getting off because I feel like okay, it's done its job. Let's see what it's like without it. Because I, you know, I'm also firm on not becoming addicted on anything, and you know, she definitely assured me that antidepressants, this particular one isn't um addicting, and I can attest to that. But I don't want to be reliant, I don't want to be dependent on anything to be stable, you know. I feel like it's done its job, and I'm kind of ready to do this by myself, but I have to give credit where it's due. It helped a ton with me being this version of myself. I mean, man, just life has been really, really good, and I'm happy that I can attest to that. All glory to God, all glory to listening to that intuition, to that inner wisdom. All of us have it. Sometimes the world is too loud, we got too many things going on. We're not locked in for us to be able to allow ourselves to flourish, and it's not easy. I've shared my journey, I've been very transparent, I've done the work, and I'll continue to do the work. Like, let me be humble. There's always ways to improve, but I'm also gonna give myself credit because damn, I'm amazing. Um, if you're listening to this podcast, still, I really appreciate the support. I mean, again, me doing this has helped so much. The comments, the feedback that I've gotten from everyone through this process has been amazing. And I'll tell you what, I also stopped because I didn't, I stopped podcasting because I felt like there was a pressure of me having to be consistent and continue putting out content and do this, do that. Maybe I need to be interviewing, maybe I need to go into a studio, maybe I don't need to do none of that. Maybe I don't need to listen to nobody. Maybe I just need to do this, and this is good enough for me. Me being confident that this is my hobby. Some people have their diary, some people talk to their best friends every day, some people journal, some people write music, some people, everybody has their avenue of processing, healing, sharing, feeling good. Mine just happens to be this podcast. Mine is talking to this microphone. There's something about this very moment that is my outlet of healing. Like how beautiful. And I just want to be confident in that. So hold my hand with this and let me move to the beat of my own drum. Isn't that what life is all about? Doing doing you at the end of the day. Fuck what everybody else gotta say, boo. Do you um so whenever I'm called to sit down and talk again, I look forward to that next moment. But one thing I'm not gonna do is make a promise. Cause I can't stand a promise that can't be kept. One thing about me, I'm gonna stay true to my word. God bless y'all. Keep going, keep moving. I send you strength, courage, wisdom, and love. As always. Till next time, it's your favorite girl, Mary B. Bye.